The last time I wrote about Jon Gosselin’s living and job situation, he was working as a waiter and living in a cabin in the woods. Jon was fired from his waiter job last May because he didn’t show up to a lot of his shifts and he was always late. Jon later got a job at a credit card company and moved out of his cabin in the woods and into an apartment. But now UsWeekly is saying that he might soon be living in a tent made out of Ed Hardy t-shirts, because he doesn’t have a job anymore and his ass got evicted. Kate Gosselin’s plastic face just moved for the first time in months when she smiled and let out a high-pitched HAHA.
I guess shitting on the mother of his ten million kids to the tabloids doesn’t pay as much as it used to, because UsWeekly’s source says that he fell behind on rent and was kicked out of his place. Jon also broke up with the crazy trick he was on Couples Therapy with. Jon worked in IT before reality TV destroyed his life, but he says he can’t find a job in that field anymore. The source says that bad financial decisions (cut to the giant pile of Ed Hardy shit in his closet) are to blame for why he’s broke. A different source tells E! that he still doesn’t pay child support, but he sees his kids. Jon moved into a new place, but it’s way too small to fit his mountain of children.
“The saddest part of it is he now has nowhere to take the kids. He’s not allowed at the house, so he was taking them to his old apartment. But the new one is too small for eight children. It’s heartbreaking. Jon has asked friends for help, but no one wants to lend him money because they don’t see how he’d be able to pay it back.”
But you know, if you ask me, going from partying on the S.S. Douche with a French piece of fried salmon jerky to living in a studio apartment in rural Pennsylvania is an upgrade. If he needs a place to fit all of his kids, he can rent one of those U-Pack PODS for cheap.
Why do I have a feeling that the year 2007 is about to regurgitate on our eyes? TLC is only giving Kate “specials” and she’s hard-up for a full show. Jon is hard-up for cash. So I expect them to join together again to star in a reality show about two crazy divorced bitches living under one roof. Jon will once again have enough money to wine and dine his skanks and Kate will have another child to terrorize.
And if the tortured and mangled possum that used to live on Kate’s head comes back, it’ll really be like old times!
Every clip that TLC has released to promote their 2-hour special on Kate Gosselin’s never-ending quest to pimp out her litter of pups has done nothing but remind everyone that Kate’s still an awful, greedy, horrible shameless fame whore who would volunteer all 8 of her children as tribute for The Hunger Games if it meant she could get her rubber face on television. Someone at TLC must have finally realized that no one is going to tune in to their 2-hour documentary on Pennsylvania’s Pimp Mama Kris when they can tune in to E! and watch the real thing, so today they released a clip to People of a humbled, struggling Kate in an attempt to make her seem more sympathetic and less evil (not possible, but good try TLC):
“I’m one of many single moms out there. It’s not ideal. On a very busy day where the logistics aren’t lining up – I have to be here to pick this kid up and I have to be there to do whatever, that happens so often now I can’t even tell you. It’s really easy to feel like just saying, ‘It’s too much.'”
“I mean, I cry behind closed doors, I struggle. But I have to remind myself, this is my one shot. You’re going to mess up. Just don’t give up.”
Bitch PLEASE! Her eyes haven’t leaked anything but salty Botox discharge since 2010. Besides, any real tears that might have pushed their way through her busted tear ducts are the ones that come from not knowing where she’ll get the money for new clip-in hair extensions AND new acrylic nails. “Don’t make me choose! I can’t choose! I need both!” she cries from behind the door of her plastic surgeon’s office as she leaves her 16th voicemail that month to TLC. “Remember, I won’t give up. I need the money…er…I mean…my kids need the money. Yeah, that works. Speaking of work, if you’re just going to call me back and tell me to get a real job, save your breath, because being a desperate fame whore IS my real job now.”
Because Kate Gosselin is such a wonderful, caring, loving mother, she only ever has the best interests of her 8 children in mind. Like her most recent decision to pimp them out in a 2-hour special on TLC, even though it’s very clear they would rather eat sandwiches made from Jon Gosselin’s hair plugs and unemployment checks for a month than have cameras following them around.
The Pennsylvania Pimp Mama Kris told E! News that she knows that it looks like she’s pushing her 8 little money makers onto the ho stroll because she’s a desperate fame whore with desperate fame whore blood running through her Botoxed veins, but she’s actually doing it because she’s a poor single mom who’s just trying to feed her litter:
“Hear me very clearly: If there was another way to singly support eight children, you would not know this name and I would be on an island, and so would they. You would never hear from us again.”
Allow me to translate that from Famewhore-ese to English:
“Hear me very clearly: If there is another way to pimp out my eight children on television, please tell me, because the money I’ll make off this 2-hour TLC special will only pay for 3 weeks of Botox injections and half a pack of polyester My Little Pony hair. I’d skipper a boat named The Minnow and take them all on a fateful 3-hour tour if it could get me a 22-episode reality show called Gosselin’s Island. When do you want to start filming? I can have the kids on a boat in 90 minutes.”
Here’s more of the prototype for Busted Bitch Barbie at GMA on Thursday. Damn, Kate, if your goal is to convince people you’re only pimping out your children and forcing them to DANCE, MONKEYS, DANCE on television so you can afford frozen Costco lasagnas and shit, at least try not to look so much like a thirsty Atlantic City dayshift hooker sniffing around for someone who will treat her to a Juicy Couture closeout sale.
Hmm, where have I seen that horrifying, serial killer-like manufactured smile, those dead glazed-over eyes and that plastic hair before. I know:
If you’ve got a Barbie styling head in your house, burn it immediately and mix the ashes with low-grade coke and give that low-grade coke mixed with Barbie styling head ashes to Charlie Sheen to snort up. You must get that dark-sided thing out of your house before Lucifer brings it to life and it terrorizes you for the rest of your life by bossing you around! Because daily Botox injections and polyester weaves in a bag cost a lot, Pennsylvania nurse turned rubber-faced fame whore Kate Gosselin is trotting her herd of money makers out again for a 2-hour special on TLC. Earlier this year, the oldest Gosselin kids, Cara and Mady, defied their plastic pimp of a mom by not performing during an interview on Today.
Well, Mady is still defying her mom and in this clip from their 2-hour torture piece of a special, Sergeant Asshole McPlasticFace tells her child army that she (read: the producers) have all sorts of “fun things” planned for Spring Break. Nobody makes “fun things” sound like the opposite of fun the way Kate Gosselin does. After 13-year-old Mady lets her mom know that she isn’t into “fun things,” Kate goes full dramatic Game of Thrones and tells her daughter that she has one last chance at REDEMPTION! When Mady stomps back to the sofa, Kate says that all her stomping is shaking the floor and is making her sway around like a drunk Glenn Close having a seizure on the high seas. Basically, Kate Gosselin knows this is really HER show and the bitch is going to perform.
After Kate and Mady’s little power-struggle, Kate takes her daughter’s cell phone away and you can almost feel her dark orb of a heart throb with glee when she does it. Kate tells her best friend, the camera, that she got her kids cell phones and iPads just so she can take them away when they misbehave and so that her evil powers can regenerate from their cries and moans. It almost makes me want to be a parent. And what I don’t understand is, there’s 8 of those kids. Can’t they band together and go after her Children of the Corn-style? They can shoot it for another 2-hour special called 8 Minus Kate.
And of course, I meant the opposite of all that…
Yes, yes, Jon Gosselin hates Kate Gosselin as much as Kate Gosselin hates the off switch on a camera. We all know that Kate Gosselin is the baked-on, permanent skid mark on Jon’s favorite pair Ed Hardy Underoos, but in case you didn’t already know that, he makes it perfectly clear on tonight’s episode of Couples Therapy. The clip below starts out with Jon talking about how he has written his memoirs (which is probably one page that says “Dedicated to my soulmate Christian Audigier” followed by 280 pages of nothing but “DIE KATE DIE KATE” written over and over), but her lawyers are trying to muzzle him and she’s suing him for millions (she later dropped that lawsuit). Then about 2 minutes into the clip, Jon gets off the phone with Kate and goes off while his girlfriend, who always looks like a strung out, gas tank-huffing drifter, calls Kate a bitch. Jon says that Kate only wants to be on TV and he says this while on TV. I’ve put a piece of Jon’s rant in poetry form, because it truly is a touching piece of romantic art:
She can go
There’s your honest depiction
So fuck it. Piece of fucking shit.
What a shitty
Oh, those two. The spark is still there, I see! They should really get a room already and not so they can hate fuck, but so they can eat each other alive, which now that I think about it, is probably their idea of “hate fucking.”
Is there a division of Animal Control that is able to remove reality has-beens who won’t leave? I have a Kate Gosselin problem. No matter how often she’s kicked out, Kate keeps coming back with her pups and trying to nest, and it’s becoming a real pain in the ass. I tried searching the Animal Control website, but all I could find was a number for possum extermination (which might work).
When Kate sold her soul for fame (it involved murdering those gorgeous piece-y bangs and dumping them in a ditch somewhere in rural PA) she burned a million bridges, including most of the ones leading to her family. No surprise there. But Kate’s sister Kendra Wilber recently told The Daily Mail that she hasn’t seen or heard from Kate in almost 6 years (I’m sorry, she’s complaining about this?) and wants to repair the relationship. Unfortunately, she’s afraid she’s just not Hollywood enough for the former A-list coupon blogger:
“I guess we weren’t totally on board with what was going on with the kids, I guess we weren’t excited enough for her and were concerned about her family.”
Kendra added, ”Years later the divorce came about and we had every right to be. But there was no conversation and no argument. I guess we have our own life and she wants a big life and we don’t fit in. We are just normal everyday people and she doesn’t want us to be part of her life.”
“My sister-in-law Jodi [Kreider] and I get talking about the past and we don’t understand what she’s thinking. When the kids get old enough are they going to come and try to find us? I hope so,” Kendra said.
I personally hope they find good therapists, but finding you is a close second.
Kendra is either workshopping her acting skills in preparation for a Lifetime audition or she lives in a fantasy world where she’s blissfully oblivious to the truth, because it’s common fucking knowledge that Kate Gosselin is a Grade-A, 5-star bitch who’d throw herself under the bus if it meant a role on FOX’s Celebrity Bus Injury. What I’m trying to say is, I’m not buying what Kendra’s selling. My sister and I get in fights over shit all the time (01/16/2014 – Allison tries to eat the last strawberry turnover) but we make up because we both like each other. But if my sister was a raging, egomaniacal insane person? Hell to the no would I be calling her ass begging for a relationship with her and her brats. Oh, and newsflash Kendra: kids couldn’t give a shit about adults they don’t know because there too busy with Pokemon, Laffy Taffy, and Minecraft. If Kendra wants one of Kate’s kids in her life so badly, she should track down Jon Gosselin at his cabin in the woods and take him to dinner at Chuck E Cheese.
(Pic via Splash)
I need to correct that headline. It should read: When Pimping Out Your Teenage Kids On TV Goes RIGHT, because seeing Kate Gosselin contort that silicone oven mitt she calls a face into a “SING OUT, LOUISE!” look is like extra chunky chicken soup for my soul.
Shockingly enough, 13-year-old twins Cara and Mady Gosselin haven’t cut all ties with their bitch monster of a mother, sold her out in a tell-all and used the money to get as far away from her possible and run off to a land she’ll never go (aka a place with no cameras or access to Botox). But Cara and Mady are still with their mom and she’s still using them to keep the Gosselin name on people’s eyeballs. Kate, Cara and Mady were on Today this morning to whore out the interview they did with People last week and when it came time to turn it on, the twins choked and Kate transformed into a low-rent Disney villainess and her hand started sweating, because she wish she had a wooden spoon to spank the words out of them with. The awkward non-conversation went like this:
Savannah: Mady, what would you want to say about how you, your sister and your family are doing?
Kate: Mady, your words. It’s your chance, spit it out.
Savannah: What about you, Cara?
For the rest of the interview, Kate Gosselin did what she does best: talk out of her ass. At the very end, Cara and Mady must’ve realized that if they don’t try to save the interview their biological mother will punish them by spending the rest of the day with them. Because Mady piped up and said that she and Cara want to do another TV show. When Savannah asked Mady if they want to do another TV show, she said, “Yeah, it was fun. I miss it. Isn’t that how we rehearsed it, Ms. Gosselin? I did just like you said. Please don’t punish us by making us spend time with you. Please give us back to our real mother, the nanny. Please!”
And Jon Gosselin will obviously show up on The Insider to cry about this interview and then Kate Gosselin will show up on another show to cry about Jon crying about this interview and while they’re both fighting, Mady and Cara will put all their belongings into a hobo sack and make a run for it.
Of course, I really mean the opposite of that headline. And that picture, Eve and Holly Hunter must’ve really fallen hard if they’re hanging around with that asshole.
So, for reasons I’ll never understand, Jon Gosselin was allowed to leave the woods and he’ll be smearing your TV screens with his douche nectar once again in Vh1’s Couples Therapy. To promote that wet turd of a reality show, Jon talked to Philadelphia Magazine (via HuffPo) and of course he used his time with them to spit poetic words of hate about his ex-wife, the leader of his child army and overall insufferable bitch Kate Gosselin. Jon called Kate out for being an asshole piece of trash fame whore who wants to be on TV, and it’s amazing that he didn’t overdose on irony and hypocriticalness since he said this while being an asshole piece of trash fame whore who is promoting some shitty TV show he’s on. Jon shat this pile of butt nuggets up:
“Everyone thinks I’m out to get Kate. I don’t give a fuck! What would I get out of it? Everyone knows she’s an asshole, you know what I mean? I don’t have to — she’s proven that! Kate wants to still be on television. She’s now digging into the past, because that’s what sells. Too late, honey. No one gives a fuck, really.
She tweets everything. To the world, all about my children. I think it’s disgusting and awful. They can’t even have a normal life.”
It’s kind of sad that these two didn’t work out. They belong together. He’s a dried up period berry clinging to a used tampon at the bottom of a dirty, plastic trash can in the bathroom of a roadside motel and so she is. I bet that sometimes when Kate drops all thirty million of those kids off at Jon’s cabin for the day, he and she go off into the woods somewhere and hate fuck like old times. Now the police know why they sometimes get calls from people who hear what they think is a grizzly bear attacking a screeching possum.
Kate Gosselin hasn’t been completely useless in her tenure as a ball-busting shrew who will sacrifice anything to remain in the spotlight for a few more seconds. She’s provided many a TV watcher stress release in the form of chucking anything handy- remote control, lightweight toddler, vodka bottle (empty of course, let’s not get carried away)- at their screens. Her porcupine-flattened-on-the-side-of-the-road hairstyle that debuted in 2007 gave scrapbooking housewives everywhere more pages to hustle right by when showing off photo albums to friends and neighbors who could not give less of a crap, along with the off-shoulder, puffed sleeve wedding dress and straight legged acid wash Jordache jeans with the 14″ long zipper.
Kate’s latest contribution to the You’re Still Here? files is a cookbook titled “Kate Gosselin’s Love Is in the Mix: Making Meals into Memories”. Recipes include “Stewed Jon Balls”, “Slow Cooked Children’s Spirit Smothered In Crushed Dreams” and “Sugar Cookies Everyone In Group Therapy Is Going To Love”. Fine, that’s a fat lie but I wish.
Kate is being accused of cranking out a book filled with unhealthy recipes anybody with a can opener and a third grade reading level could pull off while tripping balls, as long as they had a hot plate and Jesus on their side. The recipes are getting more shade than a midget sitting in a forest for being basic as fuck, high in sodium and filled with about as much love as a $10 hand job in a gas station parking lot. Take it away, Amazon reviewers:
“Then we have recipes for applesauce, broccoli, hamburgers and boxed macaroni and cheese with tuna and peas! As someone had commented to me earlier it is no better than a dorm room cookbook.”
“Some pictures don’t match recipe. I’m not sure why this was even published.”
“Not very appealing or healthy. I now understand why there is a disclaimer when you first open the book.”
“My daughter and daughter-in-law would shoot me if I fed their children most of these recipes.”“This forced me to enter a star but the book does not deserve even one star. All she does is open cans and dump the contents.”
“Kate Gosselin has no more business putting out a cookbook than she does putting out a how to keep your man happy self help book!”
The Daily Mail says the book was ranked 10,039 on Amazon’s bestsellers list on Sunday, and also mentioned a sudden jump in positive reviews in the last few days. It must have been a busy weekend at the Gosselin household with Kate standing behind the kids, smacking a ruler on her hand and screaming, “NO. NEGATIVE. REVIEWS. EVER!!!’ while they each type from a script.
A picture of Kate Gosselin doing an impersonation of Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s mysteriously sprouted up on Twitter yesterday like an unannounced herp sore and not much was known about the picture. Some defended Kate and said that she’s not a racist and others said that Kate was being as racist as the charming gentlemen who wrote my Asian friend on Match.com and said that he’d fuck her sideways-pussy straight. (She went on to marry that charming gentlemen. No, she didn’t.)
Kate went on her website (via Radar) today to explain that picture. Back when Kate was still married to Jon Gosselin and their mailbox was filled with fan mail instead of notices from CPS and invitations from the Illuminati, a fan sent them a plastic sumo toy wig. I guess Kate and her family always joked about how she was the only non-Asian on the show, so the fan sent her an Asian starter kit. Kate writes that she completed her “Asian” look by slanting her eyes. Kate says that the picture was snatched from her computer and she’s obviously not a racist. She has a black friend! She has 8 biracial kids!
Clarification on my personal photo that was stored on our “home computer,” that recently surfaced and was released to the public, without my permission:
This was a happy memory of mine. It was a happy time for me and Jon, smiling and “goofing off” together. Jon and I were opening fan mail together one afternoon — which often filled the garage of our Elizabethtown home — and when we opened this plastic Asian dress up wig sent from a caring fan, we smiled, each taking turns posing in it and snapping photos (on my phone) of each other. Naturally, I “slanted” my eyes to show him my best Asian impression, which made him smile.
Evidently, a fan sent it for me to wear so that I too could “be Asian” like the rest of my family. At that time, a common topic of our show was “everybody’s Asian” — except for mommy, so a thoughtful fan figured she’d help me look Asian too! It’s normal to talk about and even “exaggerate” the feature differences between family members of a biracial family as they are noticed by curious growing children within the family. These types of discoveries and at home discussions are a normal part of being a loving accepting biracial family and it does not make any of us prejudice!
I married an Asian. I have eight biracial children therefore I’m quite certain that I’m the last person that could be called a racist. I learned to cook Korean foods from Jon’s mom and grandmother. I couldn’t be more proud of my eight beautiful children and wouldn’t change anything about them or their heritage. They are absolutely perfect just the way they are.
So update your records and scratch out the words “noted racist” from “noted racist and noted cunt” on Kate’s file.
Kate went on to say (no, she didn’t) that she still wears that wig and slants her eyes to remind her 8 biracial children what their dad looks like since he’s off the grid and living up in a tree in the woods somewhere. I bet Jon’s tree roommate is Kate’s old possum hair. Full circle, full circle….