Jon and Kate Gosselin are like the roaches you see scattering around the kitchen that come out to taunt you with their existence every now and again. These mu’fuckas just refuse to call the time of death on their “celebrity,” because Kate is still pimping the kids out on TLC and Jon is now a stripper.
Yes, I know, you need a moment to go grab the lotion of your choice because the mental image of his pasty, busted biscuit can shaped body gyrating for the masses is setting your loins to BROIL. Well, unfortunately for all of us, Jon is more of a cock tease than the girl in high school who only gives out hand jobs.
For the past several years, Jon Gosselin (seen above with his look-alike brother) and his ex-wife (and high-class hair pioneer/career harpy) Kate Gosselin have worked out a custody agreement so that their 8 kids have visitation with him while she has full physical custody. Every once in awhile, Jon seems to pop his head out of his Ed Hardy-lined gopher hole to tell the world that he wants more time with his kids. Unfortunately for him, it seems the feeling isn’t entirely mutual and his 15-year-old twin daughters Mady and Cara hit him with a very public “No Thanks” back in August. But Jon won’t let that stop him from trying to get joint custody.
Kate Gosselin’s “irate Bath & BodyWorks customer” hair from the Jon & Kate Plus 8 days might be long gone, but the awkward awfulness between her and her ex-husband Jon Gosselin lives on. The latest real-life episode of Jon & Kate Still H8 Each Other happened earlier this week, and of course it’s a mess.
The last time I wrote about Jon Gosselin’s living and job situation, he was working as a waiter and living in a cabin in the woods. Jon was fired from his waiter job last May because he didn’t show up to a lot of his shifts and he was always late. Jon later got a job at a credit card company and moved out of his cabin in the woods and into an apartment. But now UsWeekly is saying that he might soon be living in a tent made out of Ed Hardy t-shirts, because he doesn’t have a job anymore and his ass got evicted. Kate Gosselin’s plastic face just moved for the first time in months when she smiled and let out a high-pitched HAHA.
I guess shitting on the mother of his ten million kids to the tabloids doesn’t pay as much as it used to, because UsWeekly’s source says that he fell behind on rent and was kicked out of his place. Jon also broke up with the crazy trick he was on Couples Therapy with. Jon worked in IT before reality TV destroyed his life, but he says he can’t find a job in that field anymore. The source says that bad financial decisions (cut to the giant pile of Ed Hardy shit in his closet) are to blame for why he’s broke. A different source tells E! that he still doesn’t pay child support, but he sees his kids. Jon moved into a new place, but it’s way too small to fit his mountain of children.
“The saddest part of it is he now has nowhere to take the kids. He’s not allowed at the house, so he was taking them to his old apartment. But the new one is too small for eight children. It’s heartbreaking. Jon has asked friends for help, but no one wants to lend him money because they don’t see how he’d be able to pay it back.”
But you know, if you ask me, going from partying on the S.S. Douche with a French piece of fried salmon jerky to living in a studio apartment in rural Pennsylvania is an upgrade. If he needs a place to fit all of his kids, he can rent one of those U-Pack PODS for cheap.
Why do I have a feeling that the year 2007 is about to regurgitate on our eyes? TLC is only giving Kate “specials” and she’s hard-up for a full show. Jon is hard-up for cash. So I expect them to join together again to star in a reality show about two crazy divorced bitches living under one roof. Jon will once again have enough money to wine and dine his skanks and Kate will have another child to terrorize.
And if the tortured and mangled possum that used to live on Kate’s head comes back, it’ll really be like old times!
Every clip that TLC has released to promote their 2-hour special on Kate Gosselin’s never-ending quest to pimp out her litter of pups has done nothing but remind everyone that Kate’s still an awful, greedy, horrible shameless fame whore who would volunteer all 8 of her children as tribute for The Hunger Games if it meant she could get her rubber face on television. Someone at TLC must have finally realized that no one is going to tune in to their 2-hour documentary on Pennsylvania’s Pimp Mama Kris when they can tune in to E! and watch the real thing, so today they released a clip to People of a humbled, struggling Kate in an attempt to make her seem more sympathetic and less evil (not possible, but good try TLC):
“I’m one of many single moms out there. It’s not ideal. On a very busy day where the logistics aren’t lining up – I have to be here to pick this kid up and I have to be there to do whatever, that happens so often now I can’t even tell you. It’s really easy to feel like just saying, ‘It’s too much.'”
“I mean, I cry behind closed doors, I struggle. But I have to remind myself, this is my one shot. You’re going to mess up. Just don’t give up.”
Bitch PLEASE! Her eyes haven’t leaked anything but salty Botox discharge since 2010. Besides, any real tears that might have pushed their way through her busted tear ducts are the ones that come from not knowing where she’ll get the money for new clip-in hair extensions AND new acrylic nails. “Don’t make me choose! I can’t choose! I need both!” she cries from behind the door of her plastic surgeon’s office as she leaves her 16th voicemail that month to TLC. “Remember, I won’t give up. I need the money…er…I mean…my kids need the money. Yeah, that works. Speaking of work, if you’re just going to call me back and tell me to get a real job, save your breath, because being a desperate fame whore IS my real job now.”
Because Kate Gosselin is such a wonderful, caring, loving mother, she only ever has the best interests of her 8 children in mind. Like her most recent decision to pimp them out in a 2-hour special on TLC, even though it’s very clear they would rather eat sandwiches made from Jon Gosselin’s hair plugs and unemployment checks for a month than have cameras following them around.
The Pennsylvania Pimp Mama Kris told E! News that she knows that it looks like she’s pushing her 8 little money makers onto the ho stroll because she’s a desperate fame whore with desperate fame whore blood running through her Botoxed veins, but she’s actually doing it because she’s a poor single mom who’s just trying to feed her litter:
“Hear me very clearly: If there was another way to singly support eight children, you would not know this name and I would be on an island, and so would they. You would never hear from us again.”
Allow me to translate that from Famewhore-ese to English:
“Hear me very clearly: If there is another way to pimp out my eight children on television, please tell me, because the money I’ll make off this 2-hour TLC special will only pay for 3 weeks of Botox injections and half a pack of polyester My Little Pony hair. I’d skipper a boat named The Minnow and take them all on a fateful 3-hour tour if it could get me a 22-episode reality show called Gosselin’s Island. When do you want to start filming? I can have the kids on a boat in 90 minutes.”
Here’s more of the prototype for Busted Bitch Barbie at GMA on Thursday. Damn, Kate, if your goal is to convince people you’re only pimping out your children and forcing them to DANCE, MONKEYS, DANCE on television so you can afford frozen Costco lasagnas and shit, at least try not to look so much like a thirsty Atlantic City dayshift hooker sniffing around for someone who will treat her to a Juicy Couture closeout sale.