Kate Gosselin hasn’t been completely useless in her tenure as a ball-busting shrew who will sacrifice anything to remain in the spotlight for a few more seconds. She’s provided many a TV watcher stress release in the form of chucking anything handy- remote control, lightweight toddler, vodka bottle (empty of course, let’s not get carried away)- at their screens. Her porcupine-flattened-on-the-side-of-the-road hairstyle that debuted in 2007 gave scrapbooking housewives everywhere more pages to hustle right by when showing off photo albums to friends and neighbors who could not give less of a crap, along with the off-shoulder, puffed sleeve wedding dress and straight legged acid wash Jordache jeans with the 14″ long zipper.
Kate’s latest contribution to the You’re Still Here? files is a cookbook titled “Kate Gosselin’s Love Is in the Mix: Making Meals into Memories”. Recipes include “Stewed Jon Balls”, “Slow Cooked Children’s Spirit Smothered In Crushed Dreams” and “Sugar Cookies Everyone In Group Therapy Is Going To Love”. Fine, that’s a fat lie but I wish.
Kate is being accused of cranking out a book filled with unhealthy recipes anybody with a can opener and a third grade reading level could pull off while tripping balls, as long as they had a hot plate and Jesus on their side. The recipes are getting more shade than a midget sitting in a forest for being basic as fuck, high in sodium and filled with about as much love as a $10 hand job in a gas station parking lot. Take it away, Amazon reviewers:
“Then we have recipes for applesauce, broccoli, hamburgers and boxed macaroni and cheese with tuna and peas! As someone had commented to me earlier it is no better than a dorm room cookbook.”
“Some pictures don’t match recipe. I’m not sure why this was even published.”
“Not very appealing or healthy. I now understand why there is a disclaimer when you first open the book.”
“My daughter and daughter-in-law would shoot me if I fed their children most of these recipes.”“This forced me to enter a star but the book does not deserve even one star. All she does is open cans and dump the contents.”
“Kate Gosselin has no more business putting out a cookbook than she does putting out a how to keep your man happy self help book!”
The Daily Mail says the book was ranked 10,039 on Amazon’s bestsellers list on Sunday, and also mentioned a sudden jump in positive reviews in the last few days. It must have been a busy weekend at the Gosselin household with Kate standing behind the kids, smacking a ruler on her hand and screaming, “NO. NEGATIVE. REVIEWS. EVER!!!’ while they each type from a script.
A picture of Kate Gosselin doing an impersonation of Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s mysteriously sprouted up on Twitter yesterday like an unannounced herp sore and not much was known about the picture. Some defended Kate and said that she’s not a racist and others said that Kate was being as racist as the charming gentlemen who wrote my Asian friend on Match.com and said that he’d fuck her sideways-pussy straight. (She went on to marry that charming gentlemen. No, she didn’t.)
Kate went on her website (via Radar) today to explain that picture. Back when Kate was still married to Jon Gosselin and their mailbox was filled with fan mail instead of notices from CPS and invitations from the Illuminati, a fan sent them a plastic sumo toy wig. I guess Kate and her family always joked about how she was the only non-Asian on the show, so the fan sent her an Asian starter kit. Kate writes that she completed her “Asian” look by slanting her eyes. Kate says that the picture was snatched from her computer and she’s obviously not a racist. She has a black friend! She has 8 biracial kids!
Clarification on my personal photo that was stored on our “home computer,” that recently surfaced and was released to the public, without my permission:
This was a happy memory of mine. It was a happy time for me and Jon, smiling and “goofing off” together. Jon and I were opening fan mail together one afternoon — which often filled the garage of our Elizabethtown home — and when we opened this plastic Asian dress up wig sent from a caring fan, we smiled, each taking turns posing in it and snapping photos (on my phone) of each other. Naturally, I “slanted” my eyes to show him my best Asian impression, which made him smile.
Evidently, a fan sent it for me to wear so that I too could “be Asian” like the rest of my family. At that time, a common topic of our show was “everybody’s Asian” — except for mommy, so a thoughtful fan figured she’d help me look Asian too! It’s normal to talk about and even “exaggerate” the feature differences between family members of a biracial family as they are noticed by curious growing children within the family. These types of discoveries and at home discussions are a normal part of being a loving accepting biracial family and it does not make any of us prejudice!
I married an Asian. I have eight biracial children therefore I’m quite certain that I’m the last person that could be called a racist. I learned to cook Korean foods from Jon’s mom and grandmother. I couldn’t be more proud of my eight beautiful children and wouldn’t change anything about them or their heritage. They are absolutely perfect just the way they are.
So update your records and scratch out the words “noted racist” from “noted racist and noted cunt” on Kate’s file.
Kate went on to say (no, she didn’t) that she still wears that wig and slants her eyes to remind her 8 biracial children what their dad looks like since he’s off the grid and living up in a tree in the woods somewhere. I bet Jon’s tree roommate is Kate’s old possum hair. Full circle, full circle….
Because Kate Gosselin sees all the attention that Paula Deen is getting, she’s probably trying to create her own OMGYOUSORACIST controversy to get her name back on people’s eyeballs.
HuffPo says that this picture of Kate pulling her eyes while wearing a plastic geisha headpiece randomly showed up on Twitter. The person who tweeted it just created their account and hasn’t tweeted anything else so far. Nobody knows when the picture was taken or why it was taken. HuffPo asked Kate for a comment, but she didn’t get back to them.
Kate doesn’t have a TV show anymore, so people can’t scream:
CANCEL THAT BITCH’S SHOW!!!!!!!!
Kate doesn’t have a job at Coupon Cabin anymore, so people can’t scream:
And Kate’s team of nannies probably take care of her kids most of the time, so people can’t really scream:
TAKE HER POOR CHILDREN AWAY!!!
So what are we supposed to say? “PUSH HER OFF THE PLANET?!” Yeah, I like that one the best.
I’m sure Kate has a reasonable explanation for this. I’m sure she’s just showing us what she’s going to look like after her next plastic surgery procedure. That’s all.
Kate Gosselin’s whiny screams power the furnace in Hell and so if she’s not bitching and moaning about something, her creator Lucifer will freeze his horns off. So a couple of days ago, Kate Gosselin oh-so-passive-aggressively threw hate on pictures that Jon Gosselin’s piece of the moment took of her pit bull with a member of the Gosselin child army. Kate thinks that children shouldn’t hang around with pit bulls, because they eat children or something. Kate is right. Just look at how that vicious pit bull is attacking that child! It’s obviously trying to suffocate him to death by plugging up one of his breathing holes with its tongue!
Radar says that instead of Kate going to Jon and saying, “Listen, keep those pit bulls away from my money makers, because if any rabid beast is going to attack my children, it’s going to be me“, she re-tweeted a couple of tweets about pit bulls from one of her followers:
@JenWheeler @Kateplusmy8 Children who were victims of pit bulls Take a look & see why people care. http://walkforvictimsofpitbulls.blogspot.com
@Kateplusmy8 @OneMomsOpinion Pictures & stories of pit bull victims http://walkforvictimsofpitbulls.blogspot.com
I’ve only met a couple of pit bulls and one of them tried to attack me with its lipstick, so I’m not exactly an expert when it comes to pit bulls. But even though I’m not exactly a pit bull whisperer, I know that I’m speaking the truth when I say that those kids would be less screwed if they were raised by a pack of pit bulls instead of Jon and Kate. If only Kate shut her trap hole and fell to the ground when you poked her side while going, “TSST! TSST!“
Just like “professional gossip blogger,” “professional couple blogger” is an actual job that actual humans do and pays actual money. But Kate Gosselin has lost that job title, because CouponCabin.com did what humanity has been waiting years to do: they pink-slipped her ass and banished her from their presence. After spending a year blogging about coupons for Coupon Cabin, the company’s CEO Scott Kluth wrote a letter to his readers yesterday telling them in professional words approved by Human Resources that Kate is a raging bitch monster and in her severance package they gave her a 50% off coupon for a bitcherectomy.
A series of recent events have made it clear to me that Kate Gosselin and her contributions do not align with the authenticity which we set out to build almost a decade ago, and that Ms. Gosselin is simply not a good fit with the wonderful team and culture at CouponCabin.
It’s with this that I am writing to inform you of our decision to discontinue Ms. Gosselin’s feature blog on CouponCabin.com. Ms. Gosselin’s contributions garnered both positive attention and criticism, but as always, I respect and appreciate your candid opinions, which often encourage us not to lose sight of our mission — to help YOU save money.
We wish Kate, her family and her support staff all the best.
A series of recent events? I’m taking that to mean that Scott Kluth knocked his head against binders full of coupons and realized what all of us have known for centuries: Kate Gosselin is the worst and is about as pleasant as sticking your dick in a garbage disposal while buttchugging boiled battery acid. Kate probably tried to get a bunch of free crap and attacked the receptionist with a wooden spoon when the receptionist asked her what coupon she used for her Botox treatments.
Kate said on her Twitter that she’s fine and she’s keeping busy and blah blah blah blah blah blah.
The truth is, Coupon Cabin’s readers will suffer the most, because they won’t get more amazing tips like this one:
My most recent splurge was an industrial grade meat slicer. By roasting and slicing my own organic chicken and beef roasts into lunchmeat instead of buying it from the deli, I save major bucks! And the cycle repeats itself, because my splurge that helps me save on lunchmeat is the beginning of planning my next splurge. Got it? You can do it, too!
Wait, so Kate is out of a paycheck AND she has an industrial grade meat slicer? Please don’t tell me she’s suddenly selling “Asian sandwiches” from a cart in front of her house. Somebody do a head count of Kate’s child army NOW!
Any plastic surgeon who compares Kate Gosselin’s pre-fame whore face (side note: Kate’s glorious hair in that picture is making me do the reverse Baumgartner) to her full-on fame whore face will tell you that a Botox needle has never touched her mug and age is what naturally transformed her face into that of a plastic devil covered in sheets of wax. Kate was on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live last week and Andy Cohen asked her about the rumor that she nipped and tucked her face almost the same way she nipped Jon’s balls off and tucked his dick in. Kate brought the laughs when she said she has something called THAT BENJAMIN BUTTON’S SHIT. via UsWeekly:
“I am probably one of the rare few who de-age,” Gosselin — who welcomed sextuplets in 2004 — told Bravo’s Andy Cohen during an appearance last week on Watch What Happens Live. Cohen wondered aloud about Gosselin’s potential enhancement after he showed off a “vintage” picture of Gosselin famously taken three days after she welcomed her babies with ex-husband Jon.
Kate Gosselin is a lying dumb ass, but I actually believe her this time. Kate didn’t get Botox. Kate’s eyebrows are naturally frozen in the Lucifer position, because that’s the face she makes when she beats her kids with THE WOODEN SPOON OF DOOM and she does that a lot, so her brows just stayed that way. Kate has no open pores, because she fills them with the fear of innocent animals when she curses them out. And that’s not sparkly make-up on Kate’s lids. You see, one day one of her daughters came home from school and told Kate that her teacher said she can do anything in life and should reach for the stars. So being the dream-killing bitch that she is, Kate reached for the stars, grabbed them, threw them to the ground, stomped them into dust and smeared that star dust all over her eyes as her daughter cried.
See! Kate didn’t have any plastic surgery. Being a cunt is her beauty secret.
A few years ago, bitches lost their minds and called all the numbers to Child Protective Services when Kate “The Kunt” Gosselin was caught by the paps spanking a member of her child army on the driveway of her house. Well, a reporter named Robert Hoffman tells Star Magazine (via Radar) that Kate got a lot more hardcore than just a spank on the nalgas. Mady, Ady, Pady and the rest of the Gosselin children don’t have to worry about writing a Mommie Dearest-like tell-all in 15 years, because apparently Kate kept diaries where she wrote all about how she whooped some 2-year-old ass.
Robert is writing his own book (DUH) called Kate Gosselin: How She Fooled The World and he wrote it using some of Kate’s journals that he somehow got a hold of (SPOILER ALERT: Her old possum head hair betrayed her by giving them to him). Robert says that in one entry, Kate writes that when the kids ate some M&Ms without asking, she pulled Collin up by the hair and spanked him into a different race and back again. In another entry, Kate wrote about how she regularly used a wooden spoon that she called The Spanker. And Radar goes on with the fuckery:
Kate herself often worried about her excessive physicality, allegedly writing in the diary that she told her ex-husband, Jon Gosselin, that she “felt like I may hurt his children,” and that she preferred it when the kids were “out of her sight” whenever she flew off the handle, because then she knew “that they are safe.”
In another frightening entry, claims Hoffman, Kate wrote that she was so incensed after Collin threw a tantrum, “I sent him to his crib and whipped him into it very hard…I never felt that I may really seriously injure a child, but today was that day.”
In an abuelita’s belt of whoopin’ tools, I’ve seen a rubber chancla, a leather chancla, several kinds of belts, electrical cords, a switch and tree branches of all sizes, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a wooden spoon. You know, Kate Gosselin is an evil, greedy bitch who would repeatedly punch a baby bunny if someone told her it was filled with quarters, so none of this is surprising, but I have a question about the wooden spoon thing. Does she have a special spoon she uses just for spanking or does she use the same one she mixes cake batter and oatmeal with? Because if it’s the latter, that’s just unhygienic and barbaric!
UsWeekly put together this Kate Gosselin gallery that leads us on a long trail of Botox from when she looked like an everyday ho (who understood the glamour of an AquaNetted wave bang) to Ashley Tisdale in 20 years (third picture) to a scheming lizard overlord (fourth picture) to today. They asked NYC plastic surgeon Dr. Jon Turk to analyze the Botoxization of Kate’s mug and give his professional opinion on why this bitch’s face now looks like a factory defected Real Doll based on the Kim Cattrall alien from the SATC2 poster. According to Dr. Jon, Kate pulled her face skin sort of like how she pulled out cash from her chirrun’s college education fund to pay for this shit.
“She’s consumed with her appearance,” a source says of Gosselin, 36, whose TLC reality show Kate Plus 8 was canceled in August.
New York City plastic surgeon Jon Turk tells the new issue of Us Weekly (on sale Monday) that based on recent photos, it looks like Gosselin’s gone more extreme this time: A defined jawline and changed eye shape “suggest a facelift.”
It’s not surprising, the source tells Us: “Kate wants to look 10 years younger.”
If your faced morphed into an expression of shock after reading that QUELLE SURPRISE news, then hold it for about an hour and get your co-worker to shellack your entire head. Then you’ll have Kate Gosselin face #5 for free!
You know, the face that belongs to the Kate of today looks like a Sunset Orange Crayon with cartoon ant eyes and teefs on it, so I’m sure the ho Real Housewived herself. Kate now has a full-time job at some site called Coupon Cabin (position: Head STUNT QUEEN Coordinator), so I, for one, can’t wait to read her article on how she paid for all of her new face work with double coupons and savings cards.
After God showed us he existed by getting the executives at TLC to put Kate Plus 8 to bed forever, Jon Gosselin shimmied out of his douche cave to say that now is the time for Kate Gosselin to get a real job like he did and stop pushing their chirruns in front of the camera for a check. That was also the day that God showed us he existed by getting Jon Gosselin to make a sense! However, peroxide, a too-tight weave and a camera light on her face 24/7 has fried the part of Kate’s brain that operates reason and she no longer knows what a real job is. When you ask Kate to get a real job, she says the same shit my abuelita would tell the border guards after they asked to see her papers: NO SE? US Citizen.
During an interview on Today this morning, Matt Lauer brought up Jon’s advice and Kate the Kunt responded by basically saying that anybody who works a real job is a loser who doesn’t care if they raise loser kids:
“Well, it’s a situation where Jon may be accepting of mediocre for his kids and working a regular job. I want the best for my kids and the best opportunities not unlike every parent. I think that to be a good parent is to work as hard as you can and give them the best opportunities in life, and this has provided that.
I think at this point, the best opportunity for all of us would be me continuing on TV as a way to provide for my kids. Something that’s exciting and challenging for me has been TV, and I wouldn’t be opposed to it.”
Translation: “I want the best for ME ME ME ME ME including a credit card from Bisou Bisou, weekly Juvederm appointments, monthly weave appointments with Beyonce’s weavemaster’s cousin and a team of nannies so that I can spend as little time with my money makers as possible and don’t have to hear them call me by my stage name of ‘mom‘ off camera. I want all of this with minimal effort. If doing so, completely damages all of my children and makes them run away from home as soon as they’re old enough to throw their bodies into the car of a runaway train, then YAY! More money and free party time for me!
I think at this point, the best opportunity for ME would be ME continuing on TV or any other kind of job where I don’t have to wear a company ID. PLEASE! SOMEBODY GIVE ME A TV SHOW! I can’t go back to buying off the rack at Dress Barn and wearing clip-on hair from Sally’s. PLEASE!!!!!”
After weeks of rumors that TLC would become the less one cunt network (so that’s what TLC really stands for) by dropping Kate Gosselin completely, they have officially announced that Kate Plus 8′s current season will be its last and it will soon disappear like the rabid possum who used to feed on the dandruff balls on top of her head. The sound that was made when TLC brought down the ax sounded like this:
“TLC has decided not to renew another season of Kate Plus 8,” a network rep said in a statement. “By the end of this season Kate Plus 8 will have hit the 150 episode mark (including Jon & Kate Plus 8); an exceptional milestone. TLC hopes to check in with Kate and the family periodically with specials in the future.”
Well, those ten million children have been living the high life for way too long, anyway. It’s about time they live like normal people by only surviving on garden hose water from the neighbor’s yard and popcorn kernels. They’ll have to get jobs selling dirt pies off the interstate and make all their clothes from FedEx sacks. Sure, they have millions upon millions of dollars from being whored out by their mother, but Kate needs that money to stretch so she can still maintain her $2000 a month weave and get her carcass sprayed with liquid copper every week. But on the bright side, now that the cameras will no longer be crawling all over their house, the kids won’t to see their lens-fucking mom as much.
We might think that this is the end of a nightmare, but it’s the only beginning. Now that Kate doesn’t have an outlet for her famewhoreness, she’s going to hit the ho stroll even harder. There is no God.
via E! Online