The last time I wrote about Jon Gosselin’s living and job situation, he was working as a waiter and living in a cabin in the woods. Jon was fired from his waiter job last May because he didn’t show up to a lot of his shifts and he was always late. Jon later got a job at a credit card company and moved out of his cabin in the woods and into an apartment. But now UsWeekly is saying that he might soon be living in a tent made out of Ed Hardy t-shirts, because he doesn’t have a job anymore and his ass got evicted. Kate Gosselin’s plastic face just moved for the first time in months when she smiled and let out a high-pitched HAHA.
I guess shitting on the mother of his ten million kids to the tabloids doesn’t pay as much as it used to, because UsWeekly’s source says that he fell behind on rent and was kicked out of his place. Jon also broke up with the crazy trick he was on Couples Therapy with. Jon worked in IT before reality TV destroyed his life, but he says he can’t find a job in that field anymore. The source says that bad financial decisions (cut to the giant pile of Ed Hardy shit in his closet) are to blame for why he’s broke. A different source tells E! that he still doesn’t pay child support, but he sees his kids. Jon moved into a new place, but it’s way too small to fit his mountain of children.
“The saddest part of it is he now has nowhere to take the kids. He’s not allowed at the house, so he was taking them to his old apartment. But the new one is too small for eight children. It’s heartbreaking. Jon has asked friends for help, but no one wants to lend him money because they don’t see how he’d be able to pay it back.”
But you know, if you ask me, going from partying on the S.S. Douche with a French piece of fried salmon jerky to living in a studio apartment in rural Pennsylvania is an upgrade. If he needs a place to fit all of his kids, he can rent one of those U-Pack PODS for cheap.
Why do I have a feeling that the year 2007 is about to regurgitate on our eyes? TLC is only giving Kate “specials” and she’s hard-up for a full show. Jon is hard-up for cash. So I expect them to join together again to star in a reality show about two crazy divorced bitches living under one roof. Jon will once again have enough money to wine and dine his skanks and Kate will have another child to terrorize.
And if the tortured and mangled possum that used to live on Kate’s head comes back, it’ll really be like old times!
Every clip that TLC has released to promote their 2-hour special on Kate Gosselin’s never-ending quest to pimp out her litter of pups has done nothing but remind everyone that Kate’s still an awful, greedy, horrible shameless fame whore who would volunteer all 8 of her children as tribute for The Hunger Games if it meant she could get her rubber face on television. Someone at TLC must have finally realized that no one is going to tune in to their 2-hour documentary on Pennsylvania’s Pimp Mama Kris when they can tune in to E! and watch the real thing, so today they released a clip to People of a humbled, struggling Kate in an attempt to make her seem more sympathetic and less evil (not possible, but good try TLC):
“I’m one of many single moms out there. It’s not ideal. On a very busy day where the logistics aren’t lining up – I have to be here to pick this kid up and I have to be there to do whatever, that happens so often now I can’t even tell you. It’s really easy to feel like just saying, ‘It’s too much.'”
“I mean, I cry behind closed doors, I struggle. But I have to remind myself, this is my one shot. You’re going to mess up. Just don’t give up.”
Bitch PLEASE! Her eyes haven’t leaked anything but salty Botox discharge since 2010. Besides, any real tears that might have pushed their way through her busted tear ducts are the ones that come from not knowing where she’ll get the money for new clip-in hair extensions AND new acrylic nails. “Don’t make me choose! I can’t choose! I need both!” she cries from behind the door of her plastic surgeon’s office as she leaves her 16th voicemail that month to TLC. “Remember, I won’t give up. I need the money…er…I mean…my kids need the money. Yeah, that works. Speaking of work, if you’re just going to call me back and tell me to get a real job, save your breath, because being a desperate fame whore IS my real job now.”
Because Kate Gosselin is such a wonderful, caring, loving mother, she only ever has the best interests of her 8 children in mind. Like her most recent decision to pimp them out in a 2-hour special on TLC, even though it’s very clear they would rather eat sandwiches made from Jon Gosselin’s hair plugs and unemployment checks for a month than have cameras following them around.
The Pennsylvania Pimp Mama Kris told E! News that she knows that it looks like she’s pushing her 8 little money makers onto the ho stroll because she’s a desperate fame whore with desperate fame whore blood running through her Botoxed veins, but she’s actually doing it because she’s a poor single mom who’s just trying to feed her litter:
“Hear me very clearly: If there was another way to singly support eight children, you would not know this name and I would be on an island, and so would they. You would never hear from us again.”
Allow me to translate that from Famewhore-ese to English:
“Hear me very clearly: If there is another way to pimp out my eight children on television, please tell me, because the money I’ll make off this 2-hour TLC special will only pay for 3 weeks of Botox injections and half a pack of polyester My Little Pony hair. I’d skipper a boat named The Minnow and take them all on a fateful 3-hour tour if it could get me a 22-episode reality show called Gosselin’s Island. When do you want to start filming? I can have the kids on a boat in 90 minutes.”
Here’s more of the prototype for Busted Bitch Barbie at GMA on Thursday. Damn, Kate, if your goal is to convince people you’re only pimping out your children and forcing them to DANCE, MONKEYS, DANCE on television so you can afford frozen Costco lasagnas and shit, at least try not to look so much like a thirsty Atlantic City dayshift hooker sniffing around for someone who will treat her to a Juicy Couture closeout sale.
Hmm, where have I seen that horrifying, serial killer-like manufactured smile, those dead glazed-over eyes and that plastic hair before. I know:
If you’ve got a Barbie styling head in your house, burn it immediately and mix the ashes with low-grade coke and give that low-grade coke mixed with Barbie styling head ashes to Charlie Sheen to snort up. You must get that dark-sided thing out of your house before Lucifer brings it to life and it terrorizes you for the rest of your life by bossing you around! Because daily Botox injections and polyester weaves in a bag cost a lot, Pennsylvania nurse turned rubber-faced fame whore Kate Gosselin is trotting her herd of money makers out again for a 2-hour special on TLC. Earlier this year, the oldest Gosselin kids, Cara and Mady, defied their plastic pimp of a mom by not performing during an interview on Today.
Well, Mady is still defying her mom and in this clip from their 2-hour torture piece of a special, Sergeant Asshole McPlasticFace tells her child army that she (read: the producers) have all sorts of “fun things” planned for Spring Break. Nobody makes “fun things” sound like the opposite of fun the way Kate Gosselin does. After 13-year-old Mady lets her mom know that she isn’t into “fun things,” Kate goes full dramatic Game of Thrones and tells her daughter that she has one last chance at REDEMPTION! When Mady stomps back to the sofa, Kate says that all her stomping is shaking the floor and is making her sway around like a drunk Glenn Close having a seizure on the high seas. Basically, Kate Gosselin knows this is really HER show and the bitch is going to perform.
After Kate and Mady’s little power-struggle, Kate takes her daughter’s cell phone away and you can almost feel her dark orb of a heart throb with glee when she does it. Kate tells her best friend, the camera, that she got her kids cell phones and iPads just so she can take them away when they misbehave and so that her evil powers can regenerate from their cries and moans. It almost makes me want to be a parent. And what I don’t understand is, there’s 8 of those kids. Can’t they band together and go after her Children of the Corn-style? They can shoot it for another 2-hour special called 8 Minus Kate.
And of course, I meant the opposite of all that…
Yes, yes, Jon Gosselin hates Kate Gosselin as much as Kate Gosselin hates the off switch on a camera. We all know that Kate Gosselin is the baked-on, permanent skid mark on Jon’s favorite pair Ed Hardy Underoos, but in case you didn’t already know that, he makes it perfectly clear on tonight’s episode of Couples Therapy. The clip below starts out with Jon talking about how he has written his memoirs (which is probably one page that says “Dedicated to my soulmate Christian Audigier” followed by 280 pages of nothing but “DIE KATE DIE KATE” written over and over), but her lawyers are trying to muzzle him and she’s suing him for millions (she later dropped that lawsuit). Then about 2 minutes into the clip, Jon gets off the phone with Kate and goes off while his girlfriend, who always looks like a strung out, gas tank-huffing drifter, calls Kate a bitch. Jon says that Kate only wants to be on TV and he says this while on TV. I’ve put a piece of Jon’s rant in poetry form, because it truly is a touching piece of romantic art:
She can go
There’s your honest depiction
So fuck it. Piece of fucking shit.
What a shitty
Oh, those two. The spark is still there, I see! They should really get a room already and not so they can hate fuck, but so they can eat each other alive, which now that I think about it, is probably their idea of “hate fucking.”
Is there a division of Animal Control that is able to remove reality has-beens who won’t leave? I have a Kate Gosselin problem. No matter how often she’s kicked out, Kate keeps coming back with her pups and trying to nest, and it’s becoming a real pain in the ass. I tried searching the Animal Control website, but all I could find was a number for possum extermination (which might work).
When Kate sold her soul for fame (it involved murdering those gorgeous piece-y bangs and dumping them in a ditch somewhere in rural PA) she burned a million bridges, including most of the ones leading to her family. No surprise there. But Kate’s sister Kendra Wilber recently told The Daily Mail that she hasn’t seen or heard from Kate in almost 6 years (I’m sorry, she’s complaining about this?) and wants to repair the relationship. Unfortunately, she’s afraid she’s just not Hollywood enough for the former A-list coupon blogger:
“I guess we weren’t totally on board with what was going on with the kids, I guess we weren’t excited enough for her and were concerned about her family.”
Kendra added, ”Years later the divorce came about and we had every right to be. But there was no conversation and no argument. I guess we have our own life and she wants a big life and we don’t fit in. We are just normal everyday people and she doesn’t want us to be part of her life.”
“My sister-in-law Jodi [Kreider] and I get talking about the past and we don’t understand what she’s thinking. When the kids get old enough are they going to come and try to find us? I hope so,” Kendra said.
I personally hope they find good therapists, but finding you is a close second.
Kendra is either workshopping her acting skills in preparation for a Lifetime audition or she lives in a fantasy world where she’s blissfully oblivious to the truth, because it’s common fucking knowledge that Kate Gosselin is a Grade-A, 5-star bitch who’d throw herself under the bus if it meant a role on FOX’s Celebrity Bus Injury. What I’m trying to say is, I’m not buying what Kendra’s selling. My sister and I get in fights over shit all the time (01/16/2014 – Allison tries to eat the last strawberry turnover) but we make up because we both like each other. But if my sister was a raging, egomaniacal insane person? Hell to the no would I be calling her ass begging for a relationship with her and her brats. Oh, and newsflash Kendra: kids couldn’t give a shit about adults they don’t know because there too busy with Pokemon, Laffy Taffy, and Minecraft. If Kendra wants one of Kate’s kids in her life so badly, she should track down Jon Gosselin at his cabin in the woods and take him to dinner at Chuck E Cheese.
(Pic via Splash)