And of course, I meant the opposite of all that…
Yes, yes, Jon Gosselin hates Kate Gosselin as much as Kate Gosselin hates the off switch on a camera. We all know that Kate Gosselin is the baked-on, permanent skid mark on Jon’s favorite pair Ed Hardy Underoos, but in case you didn’t already know that, he makes it perfectly clear on tonight’s episode of Couples Therapy. The clip below starts out with Jon talking about how he has written his memoirs (which is probably one page that says “Dedicated to my soulmate Christian Audigier” followed by 280 pages of nothing but “DIE KATE DIE KATE” written over and over), but her lawyers are trying to muzzle him and she’s suing him for millions (she later dropped that lawsuit). Then about 2 minutes into the clip, Jon gets off the phone with Kate and goes off while his girlfriend, who always looks like a strung out, gas tank-huffing drifter, calls Kate a bitch. Jon says that Kate only wants to be on TV and he says this while on TV. I’ve put a piece of Jon’s rant in poetry form, because it truly is a touching piece of romantic art:
She can go
There’s your honest depiction
So fuck it. Piece of fucking shit.
What a shitty
Oh, those two. The spark is still there, I see! They should really get a room already and not so they can hate fuck, but so they can eat each other alive, which now that I think about it, is probably their idea of “hate fucking.”
Is there a division of Animal Control that is able to remove reality has-beens who won’t leave? I have a Kate Gosselin problem. No matter how often she’s kicked out, Kate keeps coming back with her pups and trying to nest, and it’s becoming a real pain in the ass. I tried searching the Animal Control website, but all I could find was a number for possum extermination (which might work).
When Kate sold her soul for fame (it involved murdering those gorgeous piece-y bangs and dumping them in a ditch somewhere in rural PA) she burned a million bridges, including most of the ones leading to her family. No surprise there. But Kate’s sister Kendra Wilber recently told The Daily Mail that she hasn’t seen or heard from Kate in almost 6 years (I’m sorry, she’s complaining about this?) and wants to repair the relationship. Unfortunately, she’s afraid she’s just not Hollywood enough for the former A-list coupon blogger:
“I guess we weren’t totally on board with what was going on with the kids, I guess we weren’t excited enough for her and were concerned about her family.”
Kendra added, ”Years later the divorce came about and we had every right to be. But there was no conversation and no argument. I guess we have our own life and she wants a big life and we don’t fit in. We are just normal everyday people and she doesn’t want us to be part of her life.”
“My sister-in-law Jodi [Kreider] and I get talking about the past and we don’t understand what she’s thinking. When the kids get old enough are they going to come and try to find us? I hope so,” Kendra said.
I personally hope they find good therapists, but finding you is a close second.
Kendra is either workshopping her acting skills in preparation for a Lifetime audition or she lives in a fantasy world where she’s blissfully oblivious to the truth, because it’s common fucking knowledge that Kate Gosselin is a Grade-A, 5-star bitch who’d throw herself under the bus if it meant a role on FOX’s Celebrity Bus Injury. What I’m trying to say is, I’m not buying what Kendra’s selling. My sister and I get in fights over shit all the time (01/16/2014 – Allison tries to eat the last strawberry turnover) but we make up because we both like each other. But if my sister was a raging, egomaniacal insane person? Hell to the no would I be calling her ass begging for a relationship with her and her brats. Oh, and newsflash Kendra: kids couldn’t give a shit about adults they don’t know because there too busy with Pokemon, Laffy Taffy, and Minecraft. If Kendra wants one of Kate’s kids in her life so badly, she should track down Jon Gosselin at his cabin in the woods and take him to dinner at Chuck E Cheese.
(Pic via Splash)
I need to correct that headline. It should read: When Pimping Out Your Teenage Kids On TV Goes RIGHT, because seeing Kate Gosselin contort that silicone oven mitt she calls a face into a “SING OUT, LOUISE!” look is like extra chunky chicken soup for my soul.
Shockingly enough, 13-year-old twins Cara and Mady Gosselin haven’t cut all ties with their bitch monster of a mother, sold her out in a tell-all and used the money to get as far away from her possible and run off to a land she’ll never go (aka a place with no cameras or access to Botox). But Cara and Mady are still with their mom and she’s still using them to keep the Gosselin name on people’s eyeballs. Kate, Cara and Mady were on Today this morning to whore out the interview they did with People last week and when it came time to turn it on, the twins choked and Kate transformed into a low-rent Disney villainess and her hand started sweating, because she wish she had a wooden spoon to spank the words out of them with. The awkward non-conversation went like this:
Savannah: Mady, what would you want to say about how you, your sister and your family are doing?
Kate: Mady, your words. It’s your chance, spit it out.
Savannah: What about you, Cara?
For the rest of the interview, Kate Gosselin did what she does best: talk out of her ass. At the very end, Cara and Mady must’ve realized that if they don’t try to save the interview their biological mother will punish them by spending the rest of the day with them. Because Mady piped up and said that she and Cara want to do another TV show. When Savannah asked Mady if they want to do another TV show, she said, “Yeah, it was fun. I miss it. Isn’t that how we rehearsed it, Ms. Gosselin? I did just like you said. Please don’t punish us by making us spend time with you. Please give us back to our real mother, the nanny. Please!”
And Jon Gosselin will obviously show up on The Insider to cry about this interview and then Kate Gosselin will show up on another show to cry about Jon crying about this interview and while they’re both fighting, Mady and Cara will put all their belongings into a hobo sack and make a run for it.
Of course, I really mean the opposite of that headline. And that picture, Eve and Holly Hunter must’ve really fallen hard if they’re hanging around with that asshole.
So, for reasons I’ll never understand, Jon Gosselin was allowed to leave the woods and he’ll be smearing your TV screens with his douche nectar once again in Vh1′s Couples Therapy. To promote that wet turd of a reality show, Jon talked to Philadelphia Magazine (via HuffPo) and of course he used his time with them to spit poetic words of hate about his ex-wife, the leader of his child army and overall insufferable bitch Kate Gosselin. Jon called Kate out for being an asshole piece of trash fame whore who wants to be on TV, and it’s amazing that he didn’t overdose on irony and hypocriticalness since he said this while being an asshole piece of trash fame whore who is promoting some shitty TV show he’s on. Jon shat this pile of butt nuggets up:
“Everyone thinks I’m out to get Kate. I don’t give a fuck! What would I get out of it? Everyone knows she’s an asshole, you know what I mean? I don’t have to — she’s proven that! Kate wants to still be on television. She’s now digging into the past, because that’s what sells. Too late, honey. No one gives a fuck, really.
She tweets everything. To the world, all about my children. I think it’s disgusting and awful. They can’t even have a normal life.”
It’s kind of sad that these two didn’t work out. They belong together. He’s a dried up period berry clinging to a used tampon at the bottom of a dirty, plastic trash can in the bathroom of a roadside motel and so she is. I bet that sometimes when Kate drops all thirty million of those kids off at Jon’s cabin for the day, he and she go off into the woods somewhere and hate fuck like old times. Now the police know why they sometimes get calls from people who hear what they think is a grizzly bear attacking a screeching possum.
Kate Gosselin hasn’t been completely useless in her tenure as a ball-busting shrew who will sacrifice anything to remain in the spotlight for a few more seconds. She’s provided many a TV watcher stress release in the form of chucking anything handy- remote control, lightweight toddler, vodka bottle (empty of course, let’s not get carried away)- at their screens. Her porcupine-flattened-on-the-side-of-the-road hairstyle that debuted in 2007 gave scrapbooking housewives everywhere more pages to hustle right by when showing off photo albums to friends and neighbors who could not give less of a crap, along with the off-shoulder, puffed sleeve wedding dress and straight legged acid wash Jordache jeans with the 14″ long zipper.
Kate’s latest contribution to the You’re Still Here? files is a cookbook titled “Kate Gosselin’s Love Is in the Mix: Making Meals into Memories”. Recipes include “Stewed Jon Balls”, “Slow Cooked Children’s Spirit Smothered In Crushed Dreams” and “Sugar Cookies Everyone In Group Therapy Is Going To Love”. Fine, that’s a fat lie but I wish.
Kate is being accused of cranking out a book filled with unhealthy recipes anybody with a can opener and a third grade reading level could pull off while tripping balls, as long as they had a hot plate and Jesus on their side. The recipes are getting more shade than a midget sitting in a forest for being basic as fuck, high in sodium and filled with about as much love as a $10 hand job in a gas station parking lot. Take it away, Amazon reviewers:
“Then we have recipes for applesauce, broccoli, hamburgers and boxed macaroni and cheese with tuna and peas! As someone had commented to me earlier it is no better than a dorm room cookbook.”
“Some pictures don’t match recipe. I’m not sure why this was even published.”
“Not very appealing or healthy. I now understand why there is a disclaimer when you first open the book.”
“My daughter and daughter-in-law would shoot me if I fed their children most of these recipes.”“This forced me to enter a star but the book does not deserve even one star. All she does is open cans and dump the contents.”
“Kate Gosselin has no more business putting out a cookbook than she does putting out a how to keep your man happy self help book!”
The Daily Mail says the book was ranked 10,039 on Amazon’s bestsellers list on Sunday, and also mentioned a sudden jump in positive reviews in the last few days. It must have been a busy weekend at the Gosselin household with Kate standing behind the kids, smacking a ruler on her hand and screaming, “NO. NEGATIVE. REVIEWS. EVER!!!’ while they each type from a script.
A picture of Kate Gosselin doing an impersonation of Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s mysteriously sprouted up on Twitter yesterday like an unannounced herp sore and not much was known about the picture. Some defended Kate and said that she’s not a racist and others said that Kate was being as racist as the charming gentlemen who wrote my Asian friend on Match.com and said that he’d fuck her sideways-pussy straight. (She went on to marry that charming gentlemen. No, she didn’t.)
Kate went on her website (via Radar) today to explain that picture. Back when Kate was still married to Jon Gosselin and their mailbox was filled with fan mail instead of notices from CPS and invitations from the Illuminati, a fan sent them a plastic sumo toy wig. I guess Kate and her family always joked about how she was the only non-Asian on the show, so the fan sent her an Asian starter kit. Kate writes that she completed her “Asian” look by slanting her eyes. Kate says that the picture was snatched from her computer and she’s obviously not a racist. She has a black friend! She has 8 biracial kids!
Clarification on my personal photo that was stored on our “home computer,” that recently surfaced and was released to the public, without my permission:
This was a happy memory of mine. It was a happy time for me and Jon, smiling and “goofing off” together. Jon and I were opening fan mail together one afternoon — which often filled the garage of our Elizabethtown home — and when we opened this plastic Asian dress up wig sent from a caring fan, we smiled, each taking turns posing in it and snapping photos (on my phone) of each other. Naturally, I “slanted” my eyes to show him my best Asian impression, which made him smile.
Evidently, a fan sent it for me to wear so that I too could “be Asian” like the rest of my family. At that time, a common topic of our show was “everybody’s Asian” — except for mommy, so a thoughtful fan figured she’d help me look Asian too! It’s normal to talk about and even “exaggerate” the feature differences between family members of a biracial family as they are noticed by curious growing children within the family. These types of discoveries and at home discussions are a normal part of being a loving accepting biracial family and it does not make any of us prejudice!
I married an Asian. I have eight biracial children therefore I’m quite certain that I’m the last person that could be called a racist. I learned to cook Korean foods from Jon’s mom and grandmother. I couldn’t be more proud of my eight beautiful children and wouldn’t change anything about them or their heritage. They are absolutely perfect just the way they are.
So update your records and scratch out the words “noted racist” from “noted racist and noted cunt” on Kate’s file.
Kate went on to say (no, she didn’t) that she still wears that wig and slants her eyes to remind her 8 biracial children what their dad looks like since he’s off the grid and living up in a tree in the woods somewhere. I bet Jon’s tree roommate is Kate’s old possum hair. Full circle, full circle….
Because Kate Gosselin sees all the attention that Paula Deen is getting, she’s probably trying to create her own OMGYOUSORACIST controversy to get her name back on people’s eyeballs.
HuffPo says that this picture of Kate pulling her eyes while wearing a plastic geisha headpiece randomly showed up on Twitter. The person who tweeted it just created their account and hasn’t tweeted anything else so far. Nobody knows when the picture was taken or why it was taken. HuffPo asked Kate for a comment, but she didn’t get back to them.
Kate doesn’t have a TV show anymore, so people can’t scream:
CANCEL THAT BITCH’S SHOW!!!!!!!!
Kate doesn’t have a job at Coupon Cabin anymore, so people can’t scream:
And Kate’s team of nannies probably take care of her kids most of the time, so people can’t really scream:
TAKE HER POOR CHILDREN AWAY!!!
So what are we supposed to say? “PUSH HER OFF THE PLANET?!” Yeah, I like that one the best.
I’m sure Kate has a reasonable explanation for this. I’m sure she’s just showing us what she’s going to look like after her next plastic surgery procedure. That’s all.
Kate Gosselin’s whiny screams power the furnace in Hell and so if she’s not bitching and moaning about something, her creator Lucifer will freeze his horns off. So a couple of days ago, Kate Gosselin oh-so-passive-aggressively threw hate on pictures that Jon Gosselin’s piece of the moment took of her pit bull with a member of the Gosselin child army. Kate thinks that children shouldn’t hang around with pit bulls, because they eat children or something. Kate is right. Just look at how that vicious pit bull is attacking that child! It’s obviously trying to suffocate him to death by plugging up one of his breathing holes with its tongue!
Radar says that instead of Kate going to Jon and saying, “Listen, keep those pit bulls away from my money makers, because if any rabid beast is going to attack my children, it’s going to be me“, she re-tweeted a couple of tweets about pit bulls from one of her followers:
@JenWheeler @Kateplusmy8 Children who were victims of pit bulls Take a look & see why people care. http://walkforvictimsofpitbulls.blogspot.com
@Kateplusmy8 @OneMomsOpinion Pictures & stories of pit bull victims http://walkforvictimsofpitbulls.blogspot.com
I’ve only met a couple of pit bulls and one of them tried to attack me with its lipstick, so I’m not exactly an expert when it comes to pit bulls. But even though I’m not exactly a pit bull whisperer, I know that I’m speaking the truth when I say that those kids would be less screwed if they were raised by a pack of pit bulls instead of Jon and Kate. If only Kate shut her trap hole and fell to the ground when you poked her side while going, “TSST! TSST!“
Just like “professional gossip blogger,” “professional couple blogger” is an actual job that actual humans do and pays actual money. But Kate Gosselin has lost that job title, because CouponCabin.com did what humanity has been waiting years to do: they pink-slipped her ass and banished her from their presence. After spending a year blogging about coupons for Coupon Cabin, the company’s CEO Scott Kluth wrote a letter to his readers yesterday telling them in professional words approved by Human Resources that Kate is a raging bitch monster and in her severance package they gave her a 50% off coupon for a bitcherectomy.
A series of recent events have made it clear to me that Kate Gosselin and her contributions do not align with the authenticity which we set out to build almost a decade ago, and that Ms. Gosselin is simply not a good fit with the wonderful team and culture at CouponCabin.
It’s with this that I am writing to inform you of our decision to discontinue Ms. Gosselin’s feature blog on CouponCabin.com. Ms. Gosselin’s contributions garnered both positive attention and criticism, but as always, I respect and appreciate your candid opinions, which often encourage us not to lose sight of our mission — to help YOU save money.
We wish Kate, her family and her support staff all the best.
A series of recent events? I’m taking that to mean that Scott Kluth knocked his head against binders full of coupons and realized what all of us have known for centuries: Kate Gosselin is the worst and is about as pleasant as sticking your dick in a garbage disposal while buttchugging boiled battery acid. Kate probably tried to get a bunch of free crap and attacked the receptionist with a wooden spoon when the receptionist asked her what coupon she used for her Botox treatments.
Kate said on her Twitter that she’s fine and she’s keeping busy and blah blah blah blah blah blah.
The truth is, Coupon Cabin’s readers will suffer the most, because they won’t get more amazing tips like this one:
My most recent splurge was an industrial grade meat slicer. By roasting and slicing my own organic chicken and beef roasts into lunchmeat instead of buying it from the deli, I save major bucks! And the cycle repeats itself, because my splurge that helps me save on lunchmeat is the beginning of planning my next splurge. Got it? You can do it, too!
Wait, so Kate is out of a paycheck AND she has an industrial grade meat slicer? Please don’t tell me she’s suddenly selling “Asian sandwiches” from a cart in front of her house. Somebody do a head count of Kate’s child army NOW!
Any plastic surgeon who compares Kate Gosselin’s pre-fame whore face (side note: Kate’s glorious hair in that picture is making me do the reverse Baumgartner) to her full-on fame whore face will tell you that a Botox needle has never touched her mug and age is what naturally transformed her face into that of a plastic devil covered in sheets of wax. Kate was on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live last week and Andy Cohen asked her about the rumor that she nipped and tucked her face almost the same way she nipped Jon’s balls off and tucked his dick in. Kate brought the laughs when she said she has something called THAT BENJAMIN BUTTON’S SHIT. via UsWeekly:
“I am probably one of the rare few who de-age,” Gosselin — who welcomed sextuplets in 2004 — told Bravo’s Andy Cohen during an appearance last week on Watch What Happens Live. Cohen wondered aloud about Gosselin’s potential enhancement after he showed off a “vintage” picture of Gosselin famously taken three days after she welcomed her babies with ex-husband Jon.
Kate Gosselin is a lying dumb ass, but I actually believe her this time. Kate didn’t get Botox. Kate’s eyebrows are naturally frozen in the Lucifer position, because that’s the face she makes when she beats her kids with THE WOODEN SPOON OF DOOM and she does that a lot, so her brows just stayed that way. Kate has no open pores, because she fills them with the fear of innocent animals when she curses them out. And that’s not sparkly make-up on Kate’s lids. You see, one day one of her daughters came home from school and told Kate that her teacher said she can do anything in life and should reach for the stars. So being the dream-killing bitch that she is, Kate reached for the stars, grabbed them, threw them to the ground, stomped them into dust and smeared that star dust all over her eyes as her daughter cried.
See! Kate didn’t have any plastic surgery. Being a cunt is her beauty secret.