Usually Christina Hendricks uses scaffolding, two tire jacks and five rolls of duct tape to hike her magnificent chichis all the way past her face until they’re touching her eyebrows. But at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night, her Mount Everest titty balls weren’t suffocating and they weren’t touching God’s feet and hos probably said to her, “So that’s what your face looks like, bitch!”
Christina Hendricks’ chichi domes look magnificent when they’re squeezed up to the roof of heaven or when they look like two extra large mounds of uncooked sourdough cooling on a rack (see: above), but what in Mrs. Roper’s cleaning dress HELL is that on her body?! When I was in the 4th grade, I had a friend whose mom didn’t have money to buy her a Halloween costume, so I helped her make a witch costume using a nun’s gown I wore the year before (yes, I was a nun for Halloween in the 3rd grade, don’t ask how much shit I got for that), a black curtain panel from Ikea and black construction paper. My friend’s costume cost zero dollars, was busted as fuck and was made by two brats whose hands were shaking from eating too much candy and it still looked more luxurious and fashion forward than that shit Christina wore. That dress looks like something Endora would wear to the funeral of a whore she hated. It looks like something from the American Horror Story: Coven collection at Dress Barn.
With all that being said, Christina Hendricks, hausfrau in mourning dress and all, was still the hottest look at that VF party (no, it wasn’t), because mostly everybody else (just Kate Beckinsale) looked like the last place loser at the Miss Bolivia 1993 pageant.
Jessica Biel has said in interviews that before she leaves the house, Justin Timberlake swishes into the room, puts his hand under his chin, sticks his pinky finger out and gives her the Suri look over to make sure she’s keeping it cute. Well, the next time Justin tries to style her ass, she needs to tell him to suck on a dirty butt plug, because he’s doing her wrong. Jessica wore this mess to the Total Recall premiere in L.A. last night and I’m guessing she wanted her to look to match the reviews. The whole thing is a rotten mess. This is what it would look like if someone barfed up Pepto-Bismol into a costume jooree box full of twisted pearl and rhinestone necklaces.
1. The face is just one color. Isn’t there a Rite-Aid on Hollywood Blvd. where Jessica could’ve bought some hot pink Wet ‘n Wild lip gloss or something?
2. The necklace is scraping three layers off of of my OCD nerve, because I just want to spend the rest of the day untangling it.
3. THAT DRESS. Does bitch need that many pockets? Bitch is just going to a premiere, she’s not running away from home. The only good parts on that dress are the tititty pockets. I love a good titty pocket. It’s the best place for you to stuff a Capri Sun pouch in, so you can sip up fruity deliciousness while keeping your hands free.
Jessica could’ve made herself look hotter, though, by standing next to Kate Beckinsale. Who ever told Kate that it’s okay to skin an alien lizard from V in the name of fashion IS wrong.
Here’s more pictures from last night’s premiere, which brought out Jessica, Kate, Kate’s husband Len (who directed that mess), Colin Farrell and Colin’s sister.
Posh Beckham is the sleepiest zombie in the graveyard, but she still had enough energy to pull herself out of her crypt to party with Eva Longoria and Kate Beckinsale at a Vanity Fair party in L.A. last night. Last week Posh was grabbing Becks’ balls through the power of the optical illusion, this week she’s grabbing on Eva’s titty balls and let’s hope that next week she’s grabbing on a pair of meat balls from Ikea. That sinister “nibbling on the fat-free parts of your soul” smirk is scaring/scarring me! Posh looks like Mr. Burns dragging it up in disguise as a Pan Am flight attendant so that he can join the zombie mile high club by eating brains in the lavatory.
You know how at the end of the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland you face a mirror that shows ghosts and ghouls sitting on your head and shit? That’s what this looks like. Although, Eva Longoria is too busy flirting with the camera to know that she’s wearing a cold zombie hand bra.
That said, I’d rather see Posh’s zombie hands over Eva’s chesticles than the shit she’s wearing. That dress is a world of NO on Eva. If my free clinic therapist held up one of these pictures of Eva and asked me what I see in her titty area, I’d say I see two side shadowy profiles of the triangle bird from Angry Birds and a whole lot of desperation. Eva just doesn’t have the demure grace of Courtney Stodden and Anne V to pull off a dress of elegance like this.
The Cannes Film Festival started tonight with a big premiere for Robin Hoody Hoo, and Kate Beckinsale, who isn’t even in that mess, showed up thinking she was the fanciest Barbie Cake at the party. No girl no. If you’re a Barbie Cake, then nobody wants a slice and we’ll stick with the sheet cake from Costco.
You know how pissed off I would be if I was sitting in that theater and Kate sat next to me with her big ass dress. Tulle knocking the straw in my extra large coke! Tulle getting in my popcorn! Tulle blocking my view of Russell Crowe’s bulge on the big screen! Tulle ruining my life! If bitch wants to look like the aftermath of a swan massacre then she needs to stand in the back out of everyone’s way.
Or maybe Kate was smart and ripped that Kleenex orgy off revealing a pair of Body Glove biker shorts underneath. But she isn’t, so you know she effed up somebody’s viewing experience.
Anyway, here’s some other hos from tonight’s premiere. In order: Kate’s annoying ass, Cate Blanchett, Russell Crowe with his wife, Salma Hayek, Helen Mirren, Eva “WHY ARE YOU THERE?” Longoria, Hofit Golan, Benicio Del Toro, Gael Garcia Bernal, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Aishwarya Rai.
Look at this adorable puppy. Don’t you just want to have him surgically attached to your heart so that he never ever leaves you? Well, his owner, Kate Beckinsale, doesn’t feel the same way, because she left him in her car for hours while she went to get her hair done. That’s what the paps claim anyway.
They say that while Kate was inside the Byron Tracy Salon in L.A., her dog sat in the car with all the windows up and without water. Kate must have learned that trick from reading “How to Care For Your New Puppy by Michael Vick (with foreword by Cruella de Vil)“.
If this is true, then why would bitches just standing around while the puppy baked in the damn sun?! All they would have to do is scream, “PUPPEH ABUZE,” and Annemarie Lucas from Animal Precinct would’ve parachuted in to take care of this situation. Annemarie would’ve yanked Kate out of the salon, threw her into the car and forced her to stay in there while her puppy enjoyed a loooooooong day of beauty inside the salon.
Kate Beckinsale has refused to show her bare ass in her new movie “Whiteout.” It’s not because she’s shy or has a hairy ass. Kate seems think her ass is just too fat for the big screen. What ass?! Yeah, it’s fucking gigantic. She makes Kim Kardashian’s ass look a surfboard.
According to the Daily Mail, Kate made the producers hire a $2,000 a day booty double. They should have tricked Kate’s crazy ass and hired Kim Kardashian as her booty double.
A source on the movie said, “Kate has a terrible self-image. She thinks she is fat and she is always complaining how certain outfits make her bottom look big. Of course, the reality is that she has the most amazing body. The script called for her character to be filmed nude in a shower, focusing in on her bottom and thighs. Kate insisted on a double being hired. She was quite open on the set about not liking her body and said she particularly loathed her bottom and was not comfortable baring it.”
Hopefully, she’s one of those chicks that says shit like “I’m so fat,” just so people can coo over them and say, “No, you’re not!!! You’re pefect.” If not, then she’s fucking certifiable.
Kate Beckinsale can’t cook worth shit, but she said that doesn’t really matter since she’s excellent when it comes to sexay times. Put Kate in the “bitches who love themselves way too much” file.
The dumb fuck told Glamour Magazine, “I’m the worst wife in the cooking department. I always thought you can’t be good at food and sex, but you can always order the food in. I’d rather he didn’t order in the sex.”
Did we suddenly wake up in the 1950s? Don’t get me wrong, I’d suck Nutella off Kate’s toes, but she really needs to shut the hell up. If she’s so amazing when it comes to fucking, she should go film a sex tape with her hunky ass husband and upload it to Xtube right away. Let me be the judge.
VIA The Sun
Kate Beckinsale can be really hot sometimes. She’s usually broccoli boring, but then she says shit like “she would rather eat vagina than sushi.” She also is not afraid to dress like a high-class call girl for dinner and I can appreciate that. I love everything from her fake horse man to her expensively cheap dress. Kate and her husband joined Posh and Becks at STK in West Hollywood last night. The waiter should have brought her a plate of pussy.
And just for shits, below are some pictures of Fred Savage, his pregnant wife and the hot homo from “American Gladiators” at the same restaurant.
Kate Beckinsale really hates sushi. Kate recently told a magazine that she would rather eat pussy than eat sushi.
Moviefone asked her to elaborate and she said, “I have to say, sushi freaks me out more than almost anything. At least a vagina would be warm. My publicist has literally turned a funny color and is going to go have a lie-down. He’s throwing up now, as well. I find a lot of things kind of funny and I often say what’s on my mind, and then get nine texts from all my friends going, ‘What’s the matter with you?’ But I haven’t ever made a big attempt to have any particular image. And I don’t really worry about it.”
Sounds to me like bitch has been eating some rank ass sushi. She’s alone on this one. At least sushi doesn’t squirt lady juice all over your mouth. Sushi also doesn’t get yeast infections. Have you seen yeast infection tongue? Barf.
Kate Beckinsale told People that she had a little trouble with her pussy while getting ready for the SAG Awards last night. Kate said, “Our cat [Clive] caught fire on a candle. As I was getting ready, there was like ‘whoosh’ a fireball and he went up like a rocket.” She then laughed about it.
What a bitch! Burning pussy is no joke! Clive should set hers on fire and see how she likes it. Kate said Clive is fine, but the smell of “burnt cat” is stinking up their house. Burnt cat probably smells better than the usual Beckinsale household scent of desperation and doucheness. Her husband is pretty foxy though.