Not pictured: Volunteers from UNICEF who are standing by with jugs and waiting for Salma Hayek’s suffocating tits to explode so they can collect her miracle chichi leche and feed it to dozens of starving orphans.
Last night in London, Salma Hayek went to something called The Evening Standard Theatre Awards and I bet that the people who went to that event couldn’t even tell you who won awards or what happened. The only thing they remember is Salma Hayek’s squeezed honeydew titty sacks. Salma Hayek’s magnificent chichis will make a ho forget everything.
Thanks to that ugly clown collar, Salma’s tits look like two face-less babies in bonnets sleeping next to each other. They also look like overfilled water balloons lying on a table and the next time I’m at a family party and see overfilled water balloons lying on a table, I’ll have to resist the urge to motorboat them.
And here’s more pictures of Salma Hayek’s TITS as well as pictures of Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman, Kate Beckinsale and Ralph Fine-ass looking like the most charming flasher ever.
People has stamped “100% TRUE” on the rumor that Kate Beckinsale and director Len Wiseman’s 11-year marriage is gasping for breath while lying in the gutter. A source tells People that Kate and Len went their separate ways months ago and we shouldn’t expect things to get messy. They aren’t going to smear each other’s pristine reputations by leaking stories to TMZ, because Kate’s not about the drama. I was going to joke that it’s apparent Kate’s not about the drama, because I’ve seen her acting in Brokedown Palace, but I actually liked her in that movie. Although, it’s pretty much her fault that Angela Chase is in a Thai women’s prison FOREVER!
The rumor started when 42-year-old Len was seen hanging out with a 24-year-old chick several times. A source says that Len and his 24-year-old piece have a “genuine connection based on friendship” and you may think that means that they have long conversations about the meaning of life and art, but I think that’s just magazine source talk for “he likes fucking her for now.”
The source also gave the generic answer of “SCHEDULING CONFLICTS!” for why Kate and Len pressed the stop button on their marriage.
“They are still friendly and spend time together in L.A. when Kate is there. There has been no drama. It’s just not Kate’s style. They have both had complicated schedules and have grown apart. Kate is not dating and only focused on her daughter and work.”
So, this means that they’ll probably get a divorce, which means that in the future I won’t see the names “Len Wiseman and Kate Beckinsale” in the same sentence together as often. That’s a good thing, because every time I see the name “Len Wiseman,” I read it as “Len Goodman” and thinking about the old dude from Dancing with the Stars humping on Kate Beckinsale’s naked body truly gave me the weirdest of weird boners.
TMZ said this morning that Kate Beckinsale’s 11-year-old marriage to director Len Wiseman may soon be buried in a shallow grave next to Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani’s marriage. Emily Blunt, John Krasinski, George Clooney and Amal Clooney better watch it, because all of the American/British marriages of Hollywood are biting a big pile of dust.
For the past few weeks, Len has been seen with a piece who isn’t his wife. 42-year-old Len and a 24-year-old named CJ Franco have been papped going to clubs in Hollywood together. Len also hasn’t been wearing his wedding ring, but that may be a thing that he and Kate do. In that picture above, Kate’s not wearing one either. Kate is currently in Prague shooting Underworld 5, because we really need another Underworld.
Those of us who have our PhDs in messy celebrity relationships know how Len and Kate started. Kate was with Michael Sheen for 8 years and they made a daughter, Lily Mo Sheen (That name!), together. Kate got cast in 2003’s Underworld and convinced the director, Len Wiseman, to cast Michael in it. The rumor is that Kate and Len boned during filming in Budapest and eventually she dumped Michael and he dumped his wife at the time. Kate says it didn’t happen like that and Len’s first wife Dana said it did. Kate and Len got married in 2004. And here we are now…
But I bet nothing is going on. I’m sure that Kate will piss on this rumor by releasing this statement: “Oh bollocks! This is rubbish! CJ’s my nanny… Wait a blimey minute. Oh, karma, you wanker, you!”
Here’s some pics from October of Len going to a club with CJ, who judging by her fug outfit, just got back from 1992 where she failed her audition as a Fly Girl on In Living Color.
Usually Christina Hendricks uses scaffolding, two tire jacks and five rolls of duct tape to hike her magnificent chichis all the way past her face until they’re touching her eyebrows. But at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night, her Mount Everest titty balls weren’t suffocating and they weren’t touching God’s feet and hos probably said to her, “So that’s what your face looks like, bitch!”
Christina Hendricks’ chichi domes look magnificent when they’re squeezed up to the roof of heaven or when they look like two extra large mounds of uncooked sourdough cooling on a rack (see: above), but what in Mrs. Roper’s cleaning dress HELL is that on her body?! When I was in the 4th grade, I had a friend whose mom didn’t have money to buy her a Halloween costume, so I helped her make a witch costume using a nun’s gown I wore the year before (yes, I was a nun for Halloween in the 3rd grade, don’t ask how much shit I got for that), a black curtain panel from Ikea and black construction paper. My friend’s costume cost zero dollars, was busted as fuck and was made by two brats whose hands were shaking from eating too much candy and it still looked more luxurious and fashion forward than that shit Christina wore. That dress looks like something Endora would wear to the funeral of a whore she hated. It looks like something from the American Horror Story: Coven collection at Dress Barn.
With all that being said, Christina Hendricks, hausfrau in mourning dress and all, was still the hottest look at that VF party (no, it wasn’t), because mostly everybody else (just Kate Beckinsale) looked like the last place loser at the Miss Bolivia 1993 pageant.
Jessica Biel has said in interviews that before she leaves the house, Justin Timberlake swishes into the room, puts his hand under his chin, sticks his pinky finger out and gives her the Suri look over to make sure she’s keeping it cute. Well, the next time Justin tries to style her ass, she needs to tell him to suck on a dirty butt plug, because he’s doing her wrong. Jessica wore this mess to the Total Recall premiere in L.A. last night and I’m guessing she wanted her to look to match the reviews. The whole thing is a rotten mess. This is what it would look like if someone barfed up Pepto-Bismol into a costume jooree box full of twisted pearl and rhinestone necklaces.
1. The face is just one color. Isn’t there a Rite-Aid on Hollywood Blvd. where Jessica could’ve bought some hot pink Wet ‘n Wild lip gloss or something?
2. The necklace is scraping three layers off of of my OCD nerve, because I just want to spend the rest of the day untangling it.
3. THAT DRESS. Does bitch need that many pockets? Bitch is just going to a premiere, she’s not running away from home. The only good parts on that dress are the tititty pockets. I love a good titty pocket. It’s the best place for you to stuff a Capri Sun pouch in, so you can sip up fruity deliciousness while keeping your hands free.
Jessica could’ve made herself look hotter, though, by standing next to Kate Beckinsale. Who ever told Kate that it’s okay to skin an alien lizard from V in the name of fashion IS wrong.
Here’s more pictures from last night’s premiere, which brought out Jessica, Kate, Kate’s husband Len (who directed that mess), Colin Farrell and Colin’s sister.
Posh Beckham is the sleepiest zombie in the graveyard, but she still had enough energy to pull herself out of her crypt to party with Eva Longoria and Kate Beckinsale at a Vanity Fair party in L.A. last night. Last week Posh was grabbing Becks’ balls through the power of the optical illusion, this week she’s grabbing on Eva’s titty balls and let’s hope that next week she’s grabbing on a pair of meat balls from Ikea. That sinister “nibbling on the fat-free parts of your soul” smirk is scaring/scarring me! Posh looks like Mr. Burns dragging it up in disguise as a Pan Am flight attendant so that he can join the zombie mile high club by eating brains in the lavatory.
You know how at the end of the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland you face a mirror that shows ghosts and ghouls sitting on your head and shit? That’s what this looks like. Although, Eva Longoria is too busy flirting with the camera to know that she’s wearing a cold zombie hand bra.
That said, I’d rather see Posh’s zombie hands over Eva’s chesticles than the shit she’s wearing. That dress is a world of NO on Eva. If my free clinic therapist held up one of these pictures of Eva and asked me what I see in her titty area, I’d say I see two side shadowy profiles of the triangle bird from Angry Birds and a whole lot of desperation. Eva just doesn’t have the demure grace of Courtney Stodden and Anne V to pull off a dress of elegance like this.
The Cannes Film Festival started tonight with a big premiere for Robin Hoody Hoo, and Kate Beckinsale, who isn’t even in that mess, showed up thinking she was the fanciest Barbie Cake at the party. No girl no. If you’re a Barbie Cake, then nobody wants a slice and we’ll stick with the sheet cake from Costco.
You know how pissed off I would be if I was sitting in that theater and Kate sat next to me with her big ass dress. Tulle knocking the straw in my extra large coke! Tulle getting in my popcorn! Tulle blocking my view of Russell Crowe’s bulge on the big screen! Tulle ruining my life! If bitch wants to look like the aftermath of a swan massacre then she needs to stand in the back out of everyone’s way.
Or maybe Kate was smart and ripped that Kleenex orgy off revealing a pair of Body Glove biker shorts underneath. But she isn’t, so you know she effed up somebody’s viewing experience.
Anyway, here’s some other hos from tonight’s premiere. In order: Kate’s annoying ass, Cate Blanchett, Russell Crowe with his wife, Salma Hayek, Helen Mirren, Eva “WHY ARE YOU THERE?” Longoria, Hofit Golan, Benicio Del Toro, Gael Garcia Bernal, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Aishwarya Rai.
Look at this adorable puppy. Don’t you just want to have him surgically attached to your heart so that he never ever leaves you? Well, his owner, Kate Beckinsale, doesn’t feel the same way, because she left him in her car for hours while she went to get her hair done. That’s what the paps claim anyway.
They say that while Kate was inside the Byron Tracy Salon in L.A., her dog sat in the car with all the windows up and without water. Kate must have learned that trick from reading “How to Care For Your New Puppy by Michael Vick (with foreword by Cruella de Vil)“.
If this is true, then why would bitches just standing around while the puppy baked in the damn sun?! All they would have to do is scream, “PUPPEH ABUZE,” and Annemarie Lucas from Animal Precinct would’ve parachuted in to take care of this situation. Annemarie would’ve yanked Kate out of the salon, threw her into the car and forced her to stay in there while her puppy enjoyed a loooooooong day of beauty inside the salon.
Kate Beckinsale has refused to show her bare ass in her new movie “Whiteout.” It’s not because she’s shy or has a hairy ass. Kate seems think her ass is just too fat for the big screen. What ass?! Yeah, it’s fucking gigantic. She makes Kim Kardashian’s ass look a surfboard.
According to the Daily Mail, Kate made the producers hire a $2,000 a day booty double. They should have tricked Kate’s crazy ass and hired Kim Kardashian as her booty double.
A source on the movie said, “Kate has a terrible self-image. She thinks she is fat and she is always complaining how certain outfits make her bottom look big. Of course, the reality is that she has the most amazing body. The script called for her character to be filmed nude in a shower, focusing in on her bottom and thighs. Kate insisted on a double being hired. She was quite open on the set about not liking her body and said she particularly loathed her bottom and was not comfortable baring it.”
Hopefully, she’s one of those chicks that says shit like “I’m so fat,” just so people can coo over them and say, “No, you’re not!!! You’re pefect.” If not, then she’s fucking certifiable.
Kate Beckinsale can’t cook worth shit, but she said that doesn’t really matter since she’s excellent when it comes to sexay times. Put Kate in the “bitches who love themselves way too much” file.
The dumb fuck told Glamour Magazine, “I’m the worst wife in the cooking department. I always thought you can’t be good at food and sex, but you can always order the food in. I’d rather he didn’t order in the sex.”
Did we suddenly wake up in the 1950s? Don’t get me wrong, I’d suck Nutella off Kate’s toes, but she really needs to shut the hell up. If she’s so amazing when it comes to fucking, she should go film a sex tape with her hunky ass husband and upload it to Xtube right away. Let me be the judge.
VIA The Sun