When Anna Chlumsky came strolling up the red carpet of the Emmys last night in an ensemble Michael accurately described as looking very bed in a bag, I knew it was only a matter of time before someone in a set of deluxe full/queen sheets sashayed behind her. And that person was Kristen Bell. To be honest, I don’t know who hit the red carpet first, Kristen or Anna. It’s a real “Which came first, the sheets or the duvet” situation.
Regardless, Kristen is doing just as much for me as Anna’s look was. Maybe more, actually, because I’ve always loved a printed bed sheet. I don’t know if everyone did this, but when I was a kid, I used to make my bed with my sheets pattern-side-down. That way, when I made my bed and pulled back my comforter, you got a subtle hint of my elegant bed linens (ie. my Little Mermaid sheets). I felt so classy, like “I bet this is how Margo from Punky Brewster does her bed.” But while I love Kristen’s expensive floral sheet dress, I don’t know if many of us would want to sleep on it. I think I see beading, and I’m pretty sure none of us would want to roll over in the middle of the night and land cheek-first on a cluster of sharp glass beads.
Of course, the cherry on top of a formal bedding situation has got to be the useless satin runner that lives at the foot of the bed. Luckily, Sarah Hyland has got us covered.
When the all-lady reboot of Ghostbusters was released last month, it didn’t pull in Suicide Squad numbers, but it didn’t do Nine Lives numbers either. It brought in $46 million on its opening weekend, and has proceeded to make more than $180 million worldwide. Shortly after the opening weekend numbers were added up, Sony’s president of worldwide marketing and distribution announced that it was the “restart” of a brand relaunch. I was already bracing myself for Ghostbusters 2: Electric BOO-galoo and Ghosbusters 3: Freddy vs. Jason vs. Slimer. I can stop though, because The Hollywood Reporter says it won’t get a sequel.
When Leslie Jones threw a non-sample sized side-eye at the designers who refused to dress her for the Hollywood premiere of Ghostbusters, many tricks said some shit like, “Use that Ghostbusters money to buy your own damn dress!” To which I said, “FOR WHY?” First of all, unless Leslie bought something classic like The Slut Dress (Never 4Get), she might be able to wear her Ghostbusters premiere dress again. Second of all, the designer will get some press out of it. Third of all, if some trick from Vanderpump Rules can get her hands on a borrowed dress for an event, so should Leslie Jones. Fourth of all, even my cousin, who is a regular like us, gets big name designers to dress her for events. And yes, by “gets big name designers to dress her for events,” I mean she buys a dress from T.J. Maxx and returns it the next day.
Newly married Christian Siriano offered to dress Leslie and this is what they came up with. Allison mentioned the iconic Snobby Saleswoman #2 in her post about this, and Leslie is definitely serving up some “Big mistake. Big. HUGE.” glamour. It’s very “Vivian Ward going to the opera” and Leslie really should’ve gone all the way. Leslie should’ve worn long white gloves with it. You know, the gloves that Vivian only wore because she knew she’d have to pull gerbils out of Edward Lewis’ culo hole later that night.
In other Ghostbusters news, despite the trailer looking like a dried-up Slimer dingle, the critics say that it’s not awful. It’s gotten mixed to very positive reviews and many critics say that Kate McKinnon’s performance is worth the price of a ticket. I still don’t know if I’m going to see Ghostbusters this weekend for the sole fact that none of the reviews I read mentioned a scene where a naked Chris Hemsworth gets slimed in slow-motion for 10 minutes straight. What’s the point of casting Thor in a Ghostbusters movie if you’re not going to shoot a scene where he gets slimed while naked for 10 minutes straight? That’s like casting Alexander Skarsgard at Tarzan and not putting him a loin cloth. Boggled: The mind is.
Here’s many more pictures from the premiere including some of ANNIE POTTS and Todd Chrisley (hey, every premiere needs a seat filler) who looked like Slimer if Slimer got a skin graft from a wax figure.
No, you’re not looking at the money shot from a food play porno sponsored by Key Lime Slime Twinkies. But I’m sure that exists somewhere if that’s the kind of thing that does it for your down-lows. The day that Ghostbusters fans have been waiting for/dreading (depending on what side of the Ghostbusters all-lady reboot argument you’re on) is finally here. Sony released the first official trailer for the new Ghostbusters movie starring Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon, and Leslie Jones earlier today, and it truly has everything. Ghosts. Slime. Wigs. Chris Hemsworth kicking down a door in nerd glasses. A melancholy CGI Victorian ghost that I’m pretty sure is actually Rooney Mara trying her hand at some Andy Serkis-style motion capture.
Overall, I’m into it (Kate McKinnon dressed in Forever 21 Tank Girl drag sold it for me). But I do have two notes:
1. Where’s the ghost blowjob scene?!? Ghostbusters is nothing without a sexy ghost going down on a horny buster.
2. They updated a lot, but for some reason Slimer is still the same old Slimer? This is 2016 New York, not 1984 New York. There’s no way Slimer can still afford to live downtown. Unless Slimer found a way to get rich by injecting himself into the lips of Manhattan socialites, he’s definitely living with 18 strangers in Brooklyn.
I’m also a little shocked they didn’t extend the whole gender-reversal thing to the the surprised ghost in the Ghostbusters logo. Or maybe they did try it, but it ended up looking too much like the undead version of KFC’s sexy chicken nugget from Japan and they didn’t want to get sued.
I’m going to need a GIF of Killlary (Kate McKinnon as Hillary Clinton) chucking that cigarette and making that face. Curb Your Enthusiasm’s beloved cranky guy Larry David answered the cries from Twitter Nation and beyond beseeching him to play presidential candidate Bernie Sanders on SNL. There’s a striking resemblance! It just fits! It fits perfectly.
Larry did everything but drop a mic the end. Even perennial SNL drop-in Alec Baldwin couldn’t upstage his longest-arms-in-existence ass. Mission accomplished, sir.
Oh, and fun fact! David was a writer for SNL in the 80s and only got one sketch on the air. Look how far he’s come since then! Don’t give up your dreams, kids. Or don’t go write for SNL cuz’ I heard it tends to be a soul-crushing gig. Ask Janeane Garofalo.
Watch Larry David as Bernie Sanders in the vid below.
Then again, it’s not exactly hard. You just squint your eyes, react to every question as if you caught a whiff of a stinky steak fart, and call everyone a “LEW-sur.” But Hillary Clinton is doing the future presidential hustle, so it’s not surprising that she yanked at Donald Trump’s stale cotton candy weave on SNL last night.
Just like the last time she was trying to tip-toe into the White House, Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance in a sketch about Hillary Clinton (played by Kate McKinnon), but this time she didn’t play herself. She played a bartender named Val, who…was pretty much just Hillary Clinton. Still, it wasn’t the worst. Especially when Hillary vanishes at the end and leaves nothing but a “hard tan business shoe” behind.
Plus she got in a sloppy impression of Donald Trump, and that’s never a bad thing. Donald Trump impressions are like pizza and sex; even when they’re bad, they’re still pretty good. It was actually the second one of the night; the show opened with Taran Killam and Cecily Strong as Donald and his gorgeous wife Melania Trump. But we won’t talk about that, because I’m still sore over how dirty they did Melania (the impression is NOTHING unless you commit 100% to Melania’s squinty-eyed frozen-faced glamour).
Obviously, the best part was the return of Darrell Hammond as Bill Clinton at the 3:50 mark. I actually would have loved if the camera followed him out of the bar. Where did Bill go? That’s the sketch I want to see! What am I saying? Bill totally went to Hooters.