I’m sorry everyone, the world’s most relevant and inspiring couple, Michael Lohan and Kate Major Lohan, have broken up. Tragic! Does true love even exist anymore? First Lil Xan and Noah Cyrus and now this? My heart just can’t take it.
The Blast is reporting that Kate filed papers in Florida yesterday to legally make her a divorcee, claiming that the four-year marriage was “irretrievably broken”. I think Michael Lohan has a few relationships in his life which can be described as “irretrievably broken”.
Kate Major landed herself in some hot Lohan-scented water (it smells like jail and clipped cigarettes) back in October for pulling her usual stunt: getting sloppy drunk and attacking an authority figure. This time the figure in question was a cop. In The Idiot’s Guide to Fucking Up they call this “El Clasico.”
Last we heard, Kate and Michael lost custody of their boys, 3-year-old Landon and 1-year-old Logan, and his mom Marilyn Lohan had flown to Florida and became their temporary guardian. According to TMZ, Kate got into some Lohan-level messiness on Saturday while dropping her sons off at Michael’s house in Florida. After Kate dropped the boys at their daddy’s house in Florida, Kate dropped herself off at a neighbor’s house for a drink. Sources say that when Kate left said neighbor’s house, she was as drunk as Dina Lohan after finding a Parent Trap residual check that fell behind the couch. Kate was about to get in her car and drive home, but Michael grabbed her keys and refused to let her drive. I’m sure you can already see where this is going.
It took them only two years, but last week the Florida Department of Children and Families snatched away Michael Lohan and Kate Major’s little sons after finally figuring out that these two train wrecks shouldn’t be allowed to care for a rock, let alone two human children. Michael and Kate’s sons, 2-year-old Landon and 10-month-old Logan, were put in foster care overnight before his mother Marilyn Lohan flew in from Long Island to be their temporary guardian. The ghost of The Situation’s future and broke down Tara Reid went to court in Florida today to try to get their boys back. It didn’t happen. Marilyn Lohan now has custody of them.
The Lohans have been one of America’s first family of fuckery for a while now and those wrecks aren’t slowing down anytime soon. Lindsay Lohan is pathetically flashing a fake engagement ring for attention. Michael Lohan Jr. got arrested in NYC for allegedly using a fake “executive branch” place card on his car. And now Michael Lohan got his kids taken away by the Florida Department of Children and Families. White Oprah is not going to let them get all of the shine and I expect her to show them all up by stealing an orphan before drunkenly crashing into a jewelry store with a fake handicapped permit on her car.
Alternate title: Just another Thursday night at the Lohan-Major house. Seen above in her most recent post-fight selfie, Kate Major and her husband of 5 months Michael Lohan are at it again, and by it, I of course mean being next-level life messes. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you wipe the look of fake shock off your face.
TMZ says that on Thursday night, Kate Major proved that she’s coming for Lindsay Lohan’s crown as Messiest Lohan (“Here, you can have it – I tried to pawn it last week, but they told me vodka labels wrapped around American Spirit boxes was worthless” said Lindsay over Skype from an internet cafe in London) by getting drunk and pulling some Street Fighter moves on Michael. Michael claims Kate came home drunk last night and they started fighting, which turned into brawling, which turned into Kate whipping out her legendary acrylic porn star blow job nail tips and scratching him up like a cat on a new couch.