That memory you have from yesterday of you deep throating two charbroiled hot dogs as your friend lit a sparkler that was stuck in your asshole in the name of freedom is just a figment of your imagination. That didn’t happen, because Fourth of July didn’t happen. There were no fireworks. There were no BBQs. There was no family party where your auntie got drunk on Svedka and La Vie (aka Aldi’s bootleg La Croix) while dropping it low on the concrete patio to Night Ranger’s (You Can Still Rock) In America. None of that happened yesterday because Fourth of July got canceled since it seems like Taylor Swift didn’t throw her annual Taymerica extravaganza. Every bald eagle is probably drowning in a puddle of their own tears while in the fetal position on the ground somewhere.
The strange thing was that everyone wasn’t told to go home as soon as this feathery vision of dusty pink gluh-moore whipped his boa train on the carpet. Why even bother going on with the 2017 CFDA Awards when it was already shut down by an exquisite bejeweled pink ostrich? I’m sure that is a question that fashion professors will ponder with their students for years to come.
Here I was thinking that the most shocking thing to happen to me today would be the fact that I didn’t immediately try to shove my entire head into a turned-on garbage disposal after I discovered that I was out of coffee this morning. (I kept it together and snorted some green tea instead.) But that moment has been outdone by the fact that I’m sitting here praising the fashion stylings of Kristin Scott Thomas of all people!
I don’t think I’ve ever written a full post on Kristin Scott Thomas, but I’m breaking my KST cherry to slow clap for the crazy rich auntie look she worked at The Naked Heart Foundation’s Fabulous Fund Fair in London last night. That charity event is a big carnival, so Kristin Scott Thomas went with the theme by doing herself up as a fortune-telling Florence Welch who was styled by Edina Monsoon (as GoFugYourself pointed out). Kristin Scott Thomas also looks like that girl from Brave after she grew up, moved to Palm Springs and opened up a mid-century antiques furniture store.
And those people in the background are frozen because they saw all that red hair and thought that Jackie Stallone was in front of them. They’re starstruck, obviously!
And here’s more from last night including pics of Karlie Kloss and Liv Tyler who obviously thought the dress code was: BASIC AND BORING!
Fresh off from mistaking a TLC song for a Destiny’s Child song, Karlie Kloss has fucked up again and managed to outdo herself. Karlie went all Shirley MacLaine in My Geisha for a spread in American Vogue.
Ah youth. Like hot ass Jon Snow from Game of Thrones, they know nothing. For example, Karlie Kloss is the supermodel BFF of everyone’s favorite Use ‘Em and Leave ‘Em queen Taylor Swift and she’s admittedly a huge Beyonce fan. Karlie filled out a “mega fan profile” for Love Magazine and dedicated it to Beysus herself. Karlie claimed she’s been a fan since the Destiny’s Child days back in 2003 (when Karlie was 10, which should make you feel like you’re a hundred and one years old right now). Continue reading
Lately, Jared Leto has been looking like the pure definition of a fashion victim, and at The Fashion Awards 2016 in London last night, he turned it all the way up. If Jared and his stylist were going for “Willy Wonka after getting a bootleg Beatles haircut and dye job and moving to The Valley to become a sleazy porn producer,” they nailed it hard. That Gucci’d out ensemble just screams, “I’m going to make you a STAH, baby, now let’s go back to my place to sign the contracts….” Trick looks like the orgy baby that every character in Boogie Nights made together.
Well, I guess if you’re going to look like Liberace as seen through the eyes of Terry Richardson, a fashion awards show is the place to do it. And Jared Leto, who is becoming a Fighting The Hot Grand Champion, must’ve gotten sick of hos throwing their coochies and assholes at him all the time, so he turned himself into a walking boner killer by getting a janky bowl cut that looks like it was done with safety scissors. That’ll do it!
Here’s a million more pictures from The Fashion Awards. Come for David Gandy (“You can say that again.” – your genitals) and stay for Donatella Versace serving up Solid Gold Muppet sexiness.