Category: Kara DioGuardi

Kara DioGuardi Is A Dramatic Lightweight

May 26, 2011 / Posted by:

Paula Abdul must be embarrassed as all shit today. Not because Kara DioGuardi publicly admitted that she ate 6 pot brownies at her house. No, because Kara DioGuardi publicly admitted that eating 6 pot brownies put her in the emergency room. Paula Abdul has a reputation to uphold and just can’t associate herself with a lightweight ho who almost died from eating pot! Lightweight bunny-toothed bitch! That’s what Paula said. Not me.

On Lopez Tonight last night, Kara said that she was staying at Paula Abdul’s house and “accidentally” ate 6 pot brownies in a row and didn’t know they were pot brownies even though pot brownies taste just like pot brownies. Paula Abdul was on vacation at the time.

About six hours later, Kara said she fell out of bed and started going on a beautiful trip that most of us will pay good money for. Kara’s stupid ass went on:

“There were these, little nuggets, little, you know, take six, not a lot. Six hours later I was like, ‘heeeey, what’s going on?’ I fell out of bed, on the floor, I stumbled downstairs and I was like, ‘I ate too much.’ And the ambulance comes and is like, ‘this bitch is as high as a kite.’ I was hallucinating, I was on an IV. I stumbled out like junkie … it was bad news!

I had six, I almost died.”

That description pretty much sums up Paula Abdul on American Idol.

Kara covered Paula’s ass by saying that the pot brownies were left by a friend after a party. I believe her. Paula doesn’t fuck with that toddler shit. Pot brownies are for babies who can’t hang! Paula only messes with OxyContin cakes and Adderall frosting.

But seriously, methinks that wasn’t pot in those brownies. Me also thinks that Paula Abdul now knows where her chocolate LSD balls went.

via HuffPo

Kara DioGuardi Admits She Was Molested

April 19, 2011 / Posted by:

In addition to starring in a new Bravo reality show with Jewel (???), Kara DioGuardi (formerly of the American Idol DioGuardis) has a new memoir out called “A Helluva High Note.” Yeah, I’m a little underwhelmed with that title too. If you’re going to put out a memoir, you have to use a pun in its title. These are the rules of life. “DIOgraphy” and “Karafications” both would’ve worked. Something for Kara to consider if there’s a second printing. But I digress…

In between chapters devoted to unraveling the mystery of Simon Cowell’s hair part*, Kara writes about how she was repeatedly child touched as a girl and was later drugged and raped by a fairly known Spanish-speaking music producer. Is Paula Abdul going to drink the rest of that morning Vicodin tea, but I’m going to need a sip or two. Here’s a few excerpts from HuffPo:

The pre-teen assaults came at the hands of a family friend who was in his late teens.

“On one particular day, he took me into the back shed of his house and put his hands all over my breasts and vagina,” she remembers in the book. “I remember freezing and not knowing what to do.”

Later, as she was moving up the music ladder, she fell victim to a music producer with bad intentions and a secret supply of date rape drugs.

“[W]ithin a few hours, he was on top of me, pumping, sweating, and speaking to me in Spanish, not a word of which I could understand,” she writes of what was a terribly ill-fated business dinner.

This confirms what I’ve known all along: most sheds are nightmares houses where only terrible things occur. I don’t think I’ve ever walked into a shed and thought to myself (over the Nightmare on Elm Street theme blasting in my head): “I want to be in here!!!” My mom refused to pay someone to tear our backyard shed down, so I tried to de-terrify it with old yellow paint, Strawberry Shortcake curtains and plastic flowers from Pic ‘N Save, but it actually looked creepier afterwards. Like something out of The Lovely Bones.

Do we really need sheds? There has to be a better place where everyone can keep their dusty earthquake kits and rusted over hedge clippers.

* These chapters do not exist, unfortunately.

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