Kanye West shot an appearance on Ellen (it aired today), and they really should’ve temporarily changed the show’s name to KANYE! During her interview time with Kanye, Ellen DeGeneres should’ve just quietly exited stage left and chilled out in her dressing room until he was done (which would’ve been the day after never), because he took control. At one point, Kanye turned away from Ellen and addressed the audience as though he was giving a TED Talk if TED stood for Titanic-sized Egomaniacal Delusions.
Fresh off from once again flipping the fashion world on its ass by wearing groundbreaking $15 colored contacts from a Halloween store to the Met Gala, Kanye West called into Steve Harvey in the Morning on iHeart radio (via Vulture), because it’s been much too long (read: like 6 minutes) since he’s redefined the definition of “delusional.” Kanye spit out words about his album The Life of Pablo, called slaves “unpaid interns who got promoted to assistants by Abraham Lincoln” and continued to beat a pile of horse bone dust by saying that he acted as an activist when he interrupted Taylor Swift at the MTV VMAs 500 years ago. But Kanye’s mouth really created an important piece for the Museum of Delusion when he said that his wife Kim Kartrashian has broken many things other than four-sizes-too-small dresses and nerves.
Well, it’s nice to see that the contacts John Travolta wore to play Robert Shapiro found another gig on Kanye West’s eyeballs.
Kanye really does live inside of a fart bubble of delusion where he believe he’s a major trendsetter, because what in the hell is new about some beauty supply contacts and a bedazzled Levi’s jean jacket? (Although, THE QUEEN probably loves his goatee since it’s shaped like one of her pocketbooks.)
Nearly ever other girl in the early-90s had to go to the doctor for some pink eye shit they got from sleeping in discount colored contacts. Zillions of chicks wore some Siberian Husky contacts and also had a jean jacket that she glamour’d up with rhinestones and puffy paint from the craft store. And they all wore that shit better than Kanye did at the Met Gala tonight.
Anna Wintour probably has an assistant whose sole job is to provide an arm for her to dig her claws into when she fills with rage over a bitch fucking with her nerves. Well, that assistant probably almost lost their arm when Kanye showed up to the Met Gala in ripped jeans. And speaking of things ripping apart…
I will never be able to eat stovetop popcorn again without smelling burnt plastic, lead paint and piss, because Twitter ruined it for me by comparing Kim Kartrashian’s ass in that dress to Jiffy Pop that was left on the stove too long.
It’s the weekend, which means most of you are happy. But I’m working to entertain you people. So let me bring a little darkness into your otherwise bright, shiny day. Prepare your mind for a trip to a place so dark, so twisted, one might call it a dark, twisted fantasy. I wouldn’t. But the person in question definitely would and would tell you it was an honor and a privilege to enter this nightmare realm. I present to you, The Bootyhole Baron aka Kanye Kardashian telling the world that he has never watched porn with the sound on. You’re welcome. Now you’ll be thinking of this heaving mound of ego playing skin flute by himself.
I guess going all of six weeks without seeing his name in the news accompanied by the words “… started ranting about (insert name of famous person)” was irritating Kanye West’s attention-hole, because he recently dragged a famous person into a rant. This time it was his on-again/off-again enemy Taylor Swift. Billboard says that Kanye once again got into his never-ending messy relationship with her during a concert in the Philippines on Saturday.
Kanye West, seen above doing what looks like an interpretive dance called “The Finger and the Booty Ass Bitch” with a photographer at LAX in 2013, has a bit of a history with the paparazzi. Back in 2013, Kanye got in a bit of trouble after he angrily swatted at a photographer and put another one in a headlock. In 2014, Kayne plead no contest to getting handsy, and ended up with 24 months on probation and 250 hours of community service.
Ever since then, Kanye has been trying really hard to reform his image as a violent pap-slapping menace. Kanye is no longer the self-appointed leader of the celebrity civil rights movement. Kanye stops and talks to the paps now. He lets them follow his family around Disneyland. Kanye even breaks up pap fights with hugs. And now Kanye wants to erase the pap-attacking part of his permanent record. According to TMZ, Kanye has completed all of his community service (which was served at L.A. Trade Tech’s fashion school) and has come to the end of his 24 month probation, which means he’s now eligible for a do-over. TMZ says Kanye has recently filed papers asking a judge to expunge his record.
A judge will have to rule on it, but TMZ seems pretty confident his criminal record will be erased. And with that, Kanye will have officially passed the pap-punching torch to his sister-in-law, Kendall Jenner.
Two years ago, Kanye was swinging and screaming at the paps with more anger than the drunk girl who gets kicked out of the club before last call. Now he’s all Kumbaya with them? That’s a little suspicious. It’s almost like someone has cast a paparazzi-loving spell on him. Does anyone know if a student by the name of Kris Jenner was recently enrolled in Introduction to Dark Fame Whore Arts at the University of Southern Hell?
Here’s Kanye and the rest of the 2 Tacky Krew leaving Rob Kardashian’s fake (at least according to Radar) 29th birthday dinner at Nobu on Saturday night. And no, I can’t with Kanye’s Sharpie-covered high school baby punk jean jacket either.
As her black sheep brother got all the attention on Instagram the other night, Pimp Mama Kris’ former #1 ho Kim Kartrashian was feeling lonely and unloved in the corner, so she tried to get attention by posting an old picture of her looking thirsty and Photoshopped. You know, like we’ve never seen her before and by “like we’ve never seen her before,” I mean “like we’ve seen her a zillion times.” Kim’s fame whore energy bars filled up, just like she wanted, because she got a lot of attention including some from international treasure Bette Midler who piped in because she knows all about trash.
Either Kanye West really is as broke as he says he is or he’s just really really dumb (“Why not both?” said the Old El Paso taco kit girl), because last night he was caught trying to steal something. No, not a loaf of bread for his poor starving family. Kanye was caught trying to steal music editing software. And how did he get caught? By tweeting a screen grab of a bunch of open browser tabs, one of which was for the illegal torrent site The Pirate Bay. In the words of DJ Khaled: Congratulations, you played yourself.
So much for swearing up and down that you’ll keep other people’s children out of your angry Twitter tantrums.
When Kanye West released The Life of Pablo to the world, he probably assumed that people would love it so much that he’d open his front door one morning and find all of humanity gathered together, with joyful tears streaming down their faces, waiting to kiss his ass (or throw in a finger, Kanye’s choice).
Some people did really like it. And some people didn’t. One such person was a music producer named Bob Ezrin. Bob had some things to say about TLOP and Kanye’s kurrent behavior for the Lefsetz Letter (via UsWeekly), and it was pretty much the opposite of what Kanye wanted to read.
He looks like…A BABY! Can you even believe it? I can’t.
In the grand Kardashian family tradition of sleepy-faced selfies, Kim Kardashian threw up the first real picture of her three-month-old baby Saint West on her website early this morning. Kim chose today to show us what Saint West’s face looks like because it would have been her dad’s 72nd birthday and that “there’s nothing more in the world he would have wanted than to meet his grandchildren.” Which is a little surprising. I always assumed the reason we hadn’t seen Saint yet was because Kim was holding out for a cover of VOGUE or Son of God Weekly. You know, only the best for Kanye West’s kid.
But back to Saint. I know babies sleep a lot, but I like to pretend that Baby Saint has his eyes closed on purpose. It was probably the first time he’s seen Kim since his birth, and he realized it would be better to pretend to be asleep than to make small talk with the rubber-faced stranger and her kamera krew.
Of course, Kim also made sure to give some internet attention to her two other children this weekend by throwing up a picture of Kanye and North West taking a nap at a baby store yesterday to Instagram.
I’ll be honest, if I had to listen to Kim’s white noise vacuum cleaner voice, I’d be fast asleep too. Here’s more of Kim, North, and the No.1 threat to Kris Jenner’s decades-long investment shopping for baby shit with Chrissy Teigen and John Legend yesterday.