Category: Kanye West

Kim Kardashian Says She’d Like It If North West Took Over The Family Business One Day

October 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Don’t worry guys, she means the family fashion business. I know, I got nervous for a second there too.

Even though North West is barely 16 months old, it sounds like Kim Kardashian has already started planning out how she will click-clack make that money. Kim has stated in the past that she expects North to work like she had to growing up (cut to teenage Kim fishing quarters out of the fountain at the Beverly Center and dropping them into a jar marked “KIMBERLY’S BUTT FUND”), but recently she told ITN (via The Daily Mail) that she hopes that North will follow in her footsteps and become a fashion designer. This just in: Kim thinks her job is ‘fashion designer’. When asked if she’d ever consider letting her favorite fashion accessory design some hooker-looking clothes for TRASH by Kim Kardashian (or whatever the hell it’s called), Kim answered:

“I would if she has good style, she’d have to prove herself. She’d have to show me that she wants to work, but that would be in years and years and years. So we have some time. I hope the collection grows until then and maybe one day she can take over.”

I know Kim hopes her klothing kollekshun grows into a too-tight cheap n’ tacky empire by the time North is old enough to start working, but North is no dummy (I’ve seen that “Hooker, PLEASE” look on her face every time she’s photographed with her mother). I’m sure North is hoping that years and years from now, there will be a worldwide drought of cheap polyester and her mom’s klothing line will go out of business. Then she can go into the other family business: mass-producing next-level glamour with Grampa Bruce.

Here’s North’s mom (looking like a cross between The Incredible Mr. Limpet and a Real Doll) and North’s dad on their way to a tech conference in San Francisco yesterday. Yes, someone hired The Human Butt to speak at a tech conference. I guess the Dancing Baby had a previous commitment.

Pics: Splash

As Expected, Kim Kardashian Brought Tons Of Klass And Sophistikation To Her Birthday Party

October 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Aspiring drowsy-faced pimp mama and current drowsy-faced hooker Kim Kardashian celebrated her 34th birthday last night at Tao in Las Vegas, and even though she’s another year older, she proved she’s still just as cheap n’ tacky as ever by arriving with her sloppy spray-tanned tits hanging out of her dress. I know it’s Las Vegas, but why do I get the feeling that even the drunkest, messiest pieces of trash on the strip would look at Kim and think “Put them away, hooker!” What in the world is she wearing? She looks like a slutty mummy (change one letter, and that statement is 100% accurate).

Or maybe Pimp Mama Kris instructed Kim to make a little extra cash while she was in Vegas by “entertaining” some wealthy gentlemen looking for the come-to-life knock-off Real Doll experience. All she has to do is park Kanye Kardashian at a slot machine with a cup of change and promise she’ll be back before they put the scrambled eggs out at the breakfast buffet.

And can you believe that Kim and her Charmin-covered chichis weren’t actually the messiest messes at her birthday party? That honor goes to Kim’s old understudy Khloe Kardashian, who showed up wearing a gold grill and 8 layers of bronzer caked onto her forehead:

Kim Kardashian Birthday Celebration at TAO Nightclub Las Vegas

Well, I think we finally know who Khloe’s real father is! NO! Jaws would never! He may be an evil henchman, but even he draws the line at hooking up with that evil rubber-faced viper Pimp Mama Kris!

Here’s more of Kim looking like a poorly-iced Lady Baltimore cake (I picked Lady Baltimore, because Kim is used to being covered in nuts) with her kurrent husband Kanye, as well as Khloe serving up bath salts brothel madame realness with Salacious B. Cheban last night:

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

October 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Kanye West is a spiked anal bead shoved up humanity’s culo, but we can still count on him to bring the HAHAHAs by making his waxed mannequin dress up doll Kim Kartrashians look like 10 pounds of messiness in a 2 pound sack by doing her up like a day-shift She-Hulk hooker. Thank you, Kanye!

Kuntye and Kummy Cakes went to a movie in Calabasas, CA today and nothing says “casual movie matinee” like a tight, backless bib shirt, dad jorts and suede heels. Since Kim’s mirror is covered with a thick layer of delusion and it constantly lies to her, she probably looked at it before leaving the house and saw this:

kimkjortshotness

Kim wishes her jorts game was as piping hot and sexy as this beauty’s. Kim, leave jorts wearing to the true professionals who really know how to work it.

You know, if you took the Kartrashian out of that outfit, it would actually be kind of elegant, demure and sophisticated. A Kartrashian cheapens everything. If Shauna Sand was wearing that outfit it would like Coco Chanel designed it and sewed it onto Shauna’s body herself.

“Are You There God? It’s Me, North West. Please Rescue Me From These Pieces Of Trash!”

September 28, 2014 / Posted by:

As a look of pride covered Pimp Mama Kris’ face and she thought to herself, “Awww, my little whore is a pimp like me now,” junior pimp Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West dragged their baby North West to another fashion show in Paris for the second time in 4 days. Pimp Mama Kim dressed up her newest fashion accessory in a black sheer Givenchy shirt and made that poor child sit front row with her and Kanye at Riccardo Tisci’s show for Givenchy today.  I know North is always making the same pained face you make when we crap up another Kardashian post on Dlisted, but she really looks like she’d rather be doing ANYTHING else besides sitting on the lap of the strange lady who pays her nanny while at some dumb fashion show. (Examples of things North would rather be doing: warthog hunting with Tia Khloezilla, watching the drool on the corner of Auntie Kourtney’s mouth dry and trying on new shades of lip gloss at the MAC counter with Pepaw Bruce. North West would rather be watching an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians than be at that show. That’s how much she doesn’t want to be at that show.)

While Kim was done up like the corpse of a bottom-level gothic hooker, she gave her full attention to her true love, the cameras, as North screamed, “ayúdame,” with her face. Kanye didn’t even try to soothe North West’s nerves, because if he picked her up, she might barf on him and baby barf didn’t go with his outfit. Kanye was not going to let baby barf jack up his sexy.

And behind Kim in that picture above, Riccardo is totally using his finger to spell out the note, “Your titties look extra scrumptious tonight, boo,” on Kanye’s palm.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com

Kim And Kanye Kardashian Got Booed By Photographers At The Lanvin Show For Showing Up Late

September 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Oh lord. These two boobs again (and I’m not talking about the ones who made North West). Kalm down with the tits, Kim! You don’t have to keep reminding us that you used to be a porn star. WE KNOW.

So it sounds like Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s trip to Paris has been nothing but a goddamn mess. First Kim gets ambushed by that obnoxious crotch-hugging red carpet menace at the Balmain show. Then Kim and Kanye both show up to the Lanvin show with their sloppy tits hanging out (I want to make a Bosom Buddies joke, but Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari don’t deserve to be dragged into trash town with these two). And now a video has surfaced of Kim and Kanye getting booed after they arrived at the Lanvin show. According to Page Six, Kim and her kurrent husband showed up when they felt like it and delayed the show by 40 minutes. So when the Cheap n’ Tacky Twins finally arrived, they were greeted by a bunch of photographers booing them. At least I think they’re booing them; they might also be saying “Boooooooobs“, since that’s the first thing you see when the Narcoleptic Hooker Queen walks towards you.

Kanye confronting the boo’ers looks like my pajama-wearing 58-year-old neighbor during a stand-off with two garbage men last week at 7am after he accused them of being “too rough” with the cans.

And now TMZ is saying that Kim and Kanye’s karefree Parisian vacation is OVER. Ever since Kim got tackled at Balmain, they’ve started traveling in armored cars with armed guards, because they claim Paris is full of crazy fans and crazy paps. DUH! Of course they’re crazy! Anyone who gets legitimately excited to see those two losers is mentally insane.

Who Would You Rather Motorboat?

September 25, 2014 / Posted by:

I know. That has to be the meanest question I’ve ever asked you. It’s like asking you if you’d rather get a blow job from a Vitamix or an anal pap smear from a hawk. But go with Kanye. Sure, you’d get a mouthful of hair, but if you motorboated Kim, you’d scratch your tongue on her chichi stubble as soon as the clock struck 5 o’clock.

Kim Kartrashian was nearly trampled to death before the Balmain show in Paris today when that Ukrainian attention whore who tried to give Brad Pitt a dry blow job rammed into her. TMZ has the video and it’s worth a watch, because it looks like Pimp Mama Kris is kicking that Ukrainian bitch for screwing with her money and you can almost hear Kanye screaming, “You’re on your own, bitch. This face is too pretty to meet the concrete,” as he runs away. After they lived through that ordeal, which they probably staged themselves, they went back to their hotel and shoved their titties into some more HIGH FASHION for the Lanvin show.

While sitting in the front row, Kim and Kanye served up some his-and-hers tit action. I really want to say that Kanye’s cleavage outdid Kim’s, but I can’t. Kanye’s meaty man tit looks depressed, sad and tired. It looks like me when I listen to one of his rants. I don’t really blame it. Being that close to Kim would put anything to sleep. But he’s getting his picture taken. His tits should be looking their best. He should’ve whispered, “Riccardo,” at them, so they’d perk up and sit up real nice in that shawl blouse thing. Or he should’ve worn a leather jogging bra, so in six years when every motherfucker is wearing a leather jogging bra, he can say he worked it first.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com

North West Sat Front Row At The Balenciaga Show, Seemed Really Into It

September 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Pimp Mama Kim and Kanye West continued to show everyone that they’re not going to push their baby out into the spotlight by pushing their baby out into the spotlight at the Balenciaga show in Paris today. How do you say “CALL CPS!” in French? Those evil bitches. Kimye rips North West from the family of nannies she loves the most and they dress her up like a doll and parade her around like a fashion accessory at a loud ass fashion show. How dreadful. North should’ve started crying during the show. If she did, Kuntye would’ve told her that no spawn of his cries during ~FASHUN~ and he would’ve immediately disowned her. She would’ve been FREE!

But seriously, a slobbery, non-potty-trained baby doesn’t belong at a fashion show. I’m talking about Kanye. I’m sure North West was really enthralled by all the crap going down the runway. When asked what she thought of the collection, she took a dump in her pony hair-lined black leather Balenciaga diaper. Or maybe she took that dump after she was asked what she thought of her daddy’s stupid, busted Chevron logo hair.

And while looking at these pictures on her red diamond iWatch 2 as she lounges on the beach of her private island in the Seychelles, Blue Ivy Carter cackles away. BIC already wore toddler versions of all the looks at Balenciaga’s show today and as she looks up at the sky, she sees her gold drone delivering boxes full of toddler versions of Balenciaga’s NEXT collection. Going to fashion shows… How provincial!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

And Just Like That, Millions Of Christians Decide To Convert To Atheism

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

After Kanye West told a fan in a wheelchair to stand up at one of his shows in Sydney, he should’ve just said, “Sowwy. *Kanye shrug*,” and moved onto his next act of buffoonery. But Kanye West wouldn’t be Kanye West if he didn’t use a situation to nail himself to the cross and mouth shit out a long-winded stream of cold farts about how the media keeps painting him, an egotistical ass, as an egotistical ass. During his last show in Sydney last night, Kanye queefed up another WOE IS ME rant where he said that the media has the wrong target and he’s a married Christian man. Sorry, Christians, but Kanye belongs to you now and you can’t give him back. No refunds or exchanges! “Well, we had a good run. RIP Christianity 1-2014″ - Paul, Jesus or whoever the founder and president of Christianity is (was)

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So Here’s That Video Of Kanye West Telling A Dude In A Wheelchair To Stand Up

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Allison wrote about how egotistical ass lip clamp Kanye West yelled at a fan in a wheelchair to stand up during his show in Sydney on Friday night and now here’s the video. The video is where awkward goes to feel even more awkward.

As Allison said yesterday, Kuntye stopped performing and refused to go on unless everybody in the audience got on their feet. It’s a little funny when the douche who is in dire, dire need of a seat tells everyone to get off of theirs. When some fans don’t get up, Kanye singles them out in front of everyone and demands to know why one fan is not getting up. Kanye keeps asking if he’s in a wheelchair and the whole thing is a cringe-inducing mess. It’s like a parody written by Christopher Guest.

I hate it when I go to a show and the trick onstage is telling me to stand up, clap, sing along, dance, put my left foot in, put my left foot out, etc… Bitch, I paid you. If I want to sit down and sip on my beer while quietly braiding my pubes, then take my money and let me. If I’m going to get up and sing and dance on your command, then you better give me a percentage of the house.

I thought Yeezus was supposed to be the son of God? If Kanye’s going to claim that he’s the chosen one and is a God, then he needs to make sure that the dude in the wheelchair he’s screaming at to stand up is actually a paid assistant who can walk and will jump up and say, “I can walk! I can walk! It’s a miracle! Yeezus healed me! Yeezus is real!Oral Roberts needs to heal himself back to life so he can teach Kanye how it’s really done.

Kanye West Stopped A Show To Demand That A Fan In A Wheelchair “Stand Up And Dance”

September 13, 2014 / Posted by:

We all know that Kanye West has a lukewarm puddle of soggy delusion for a brain (it was a wedding present from his mother-in-law as a way to help him fit-in with the rest of the family), so this story should surprise no one. The Daily Mail says that during a performance in Sydney, Australia on Friday night, Kim’s Kurrent Husband told the audience to stand up and dance and threw a tempter-tantrum when he noticed that some people weren’t obeying King Kanye. HOW DARE THEY! DON’T THEY KNOW HOW IMPORTANT KANYE WEST IS??

Concertgoers claim that Kanye got all kunty when realized there might still be one or two people in the audience who hadn’t stood up, so he stopped the music and announced:

“I can’t do this song, I can’t do this show until everybody stand up. Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and shit. Imma see you if you ain’t standing up, believe me, I’m very good at that”

Sure enough, he located one of the seated persons and demanded to know why they weren’t standing up and worshiping at the altar of Yeezus, to which they held up a prosthetic leg as proof that they weren’t able to stand, a reason Kanye deemed an acceptable excuse. Then he managed to locate the other person in the audience who was still seated and insisted that they get their ass out of their seat and dance, GODDAMN IT. But they remained seated BECAUSE THEY WERE IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR.

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