And now we know what it looks like when Kris Jenner calls her son-in-law into the Kardashian Khompound’s “lower office” for a business meeting.
According to TMZ, Dr. Kanye West is very very mad at the Billboard Music Awards. So mad. Madder than his wife after discovering Botox no longer makes suppositories for on-the-go sphincter wrinkle removal. Kanye is mad at Billboard for censoring the hell out of his performance on Sunday night. A “source” claims Kanye gave the producers the lyrics to “All Day” and “Black Skinhead” exactly how he planned on performing them, and there weren’t that many no-no words. But they still went ahead and hit the mute button on a good chunk of his audio, including lyrics like “my leather black jeans on” and “Middle America.” How dare they! Don’t they know how important Kanye West thinks Kanye West is?
Not surprisingly, Kanye released a statement through his publicist on Tuesday swatting at ABC for allowing the Billboard Music Awards to silence his genius.
“Kanye West was grossly over-censored at the Billboard Music Awards. Non-profane lyrics such as ‘with my leather black jeans on’ were muted for over 30-second intervals. As a result, his voice and performance were seriously misrepresented. It is ridiculous that in 2015, unwarranted censorship is something that artists still have to fight against. Although West was clearly set up to face elements beyond his control during the live broadcast, he would like to apologize to the television audience who were unable to enjoy the performance the way he envisioned.”
His voice was misrepresented? Are you kidding? That might have been the best I’ve heard Kanye West sound in years! I’m so used to a non-stop stream of asshole-isms and egotistical thought farts pouring out of his talk hole that hearing him say nothing was actually a nice change of pace. Not to mention all that silence gave me a chance to focus and reflect on the sound that truly mattered: that beautiful symphony of boos.
Or should I say, the Bill-boored Awards? (Don’t get up, I’ll show myself out for that one). When 19-year-old model Kendall Jenner and 17-year-old aspiring Kim Kardashian impersonator Kylie Jenner crawled on stage at the Billboard Music Awards to introduce their sister’s current husband Kanye West last night, they were met with a wall of boos thicker than the high-density foam padding in the Build-A-Butt room at the Kardashian Khompound.
There are many reasons for why Pimp Mama Kris’ two youngest earners got booed: the room was filled with ghosts, the audience was yelling the first syllable of the Kardashian family’s favorite word (Botox), it was the same crowd from that Clippers game Kendall went to last weekend, they were actually saying “To” in an attempt to summon Chris Hansen and the To Catch A Predator crew and catch Kylie’s shameless pedo boyfriend Tyga. But if I had to put money on it, I’m going with: because people are sick of their asses.
Then again, those boos might not have been meant for Kendall and Kim Jr.; they were introducing a performance by their brother-in-law Kanye, and that audience had already sat through enough eyeroll-inducing antics for one night. Plus, we can’t even be sure if anyone booed through Kanye’s performance, since most of it was censored.
Yes, that is Kanye hiding behind 400 lbs of flames. He handles it like a pro, but that’s not surprising. If you watched your wife get re-built every 6 days by a team of highly-skilled welders, you’d know exactly when to shield your face from the sparks too.
Here’s more of Kendall doing the Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious band all kinds of disrespect in that jacket and Kylie looking like napkin in a napkin holder at the BBMAs last night.
The School of Art Institute of Chicago has gone and done it. They have injected forty five hundred gallons of steroids into Kanye West’s already inflated ego by giving him an honory doctorate. Great, now every one of his rants will end with, “And I’m a doctor, bitch!”
Kanye Kardashian (née West) followed in the footsteps of Kermit the Frog, Kylie Minogue, Alexander Skarsgard, Steven Tyler and Mike Tyson yesterday by getting an honorary degree, which sometimes is a school’s way of saying, “Here is a meaningless piece of paper that we’re giving you in hopes that you’ll buy us a library one day.” No, he didn’t get an honorary doctorate for advanced fuckery. The Chicago Tribune said that the college drop-out finally graduated yesterday with 900 students of the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Apparently, before the ceremony, many students rolled their eyes over their school giving Kanye an honorary doctorate. Did those students learn nothing during all their years there? Don’t they know that Kanye is thee sole creator of leather jogging pants and for that alone he deserves ALL the honorary doctorates in every subject.
Even though some students were not amused by Kanye getting honored, none of them grabbed the mic during his speech to say, “Imma let you finish, but us 900 students who actually finished and have a shit load of student loans to pay off are the greatest graduates of all-time!” Kanye’s graduation speech only lasted 5 minutes, which may be a record low for him since his speeches usually last about as long as it takes a fart to travel out of Kim Kartrashian’s ass (approximately 6 hours, 45 minutes and 13 seconds). Kanye gave a short pep talk and then told the students that he praised the School of Art Institute of Chicago during his lecture at Oxford.
After the graduation, one graduate talked to the Chicago Tribune about some people having a problem with Kanye’s honorary doctorate:
“Not everyone loved Jesus at first. Not everyone loves Yeezus. That’s how I see it.”
I mean…. Either that 20-something graduate was Kanye wearing a 20-something graduate mask or that graduate needs to have their diploma snatched away and put in the shredder. They need to do college over again, because they obviously have a lot more to learn if they’re freely and causally spewing out crazy shit like that. That’s how I see it!
Kim Kartrashian Instagrammed the above picture of Kanye knowingly smiling in front of a camera and added the caption: “Dr. Kanye West!!!!!!! I’m so proud of you baby & I know your mom would be so proud too!!!!” I’m sure Dr. Yeezus will write the same kind of Instagram caption for her when she finally receives an honorary doctorate in ho shit from my alma mater UTI (University of Trashy Imbeciles).
And here’s the doctor’s wife (you know she’s going to write that on her Twitter bio) at some event in São Paulo yesterday.
Because Justin Bieber is basically the rich kid equivalent to a lazy 10-year-old who takes forever to clean his room, the fact that he hasn’t had a concert in two years should be surprising to absolutely no one. I’m sure Scooter Braun practically had to drag him the whole way there while Justin whined, “Noooooo, I don’t wanna! I got obnoxious rich kid stuff to do!” But by some miracle, Justin Bieber turned off his LeapPad, put down his sippy cup of Smirnoff Ice, and put on a Tiny Talent Time show at KIIS FM’s Wango Tango 2015 on Saturday night.
According to TMZ, Justin went on stage around 8:30pm (awwww, somebody got to stay up past his bedtime!) and Kanye West closed the show. I don’t know who I feel worse for: Kanye for having to share a stage with Lil’ Vanilla Ice, or the audience for having to sit through a double dose of douche. Actually, maybe not Kanye; sure he had to share at stage with Justin, but at least Justin never called his ass out for not writing his own songs, like some blonde pretty-in-the-face types did last week. Either way, I’m sure when he heard Justin was opening for him, his face did one of these.
Speaking of that audience, TMZ says that somewhere slithering among the masses was Pimp Mama Kris – who, thanks to all the Botox that has leeched into her brain, probably got Wango Tango confused with Cabo Wabo and was sad there were no all-you-can-chug Waboritas – and Justin’s maybe girlfriend Hailey Baldwin.
But Justin didn’t spend the whole weekend struggling to remember the choreography to “Boyfriend”; he also gave a shout out to the lady who made him on Instagram by posting a picture of his mom with the caption:
“If it wasn’t for this woman lets just say I would have had a way LONGER stupid phase. I love u and thank u for not giving up on me”
“Of course I’d never give up on you, money…I mean, honey” replied Justin’s mom.
Here’s more of Justin looking, as always, like a possessed Rollerblade Dude doll going through a grunge phase on Saturday night:
I understand if you need to shut down Dlisted, toss your cookies in a red infectious waste bin and run the “exorcism” tool on Norton while throwing holy water at the screen as you scream, “I rebuke you demon of fame whores in the name of the Lord!” It’s a natural reaction to that dark-sided picture.
When Pimp Mama Kris showed up on the Met Gala red carpet in a cloud of black smoke and flames, Twitter erupted into a thousand “Adam Lambert, get yourself together, girl” jokes. What did Glamberace ever do to deserve to be compared to Lucifer’s hardest-whoring minion? Glamberts, I’ll hold your Hot Topic purses, as you go after the mean bitches who are saying that PMK looks like a melting Adam Lambert Claymation figurine that’s been dipped in the blood of Satan and shellacked.
But the sad part is that I would like PMK’s ensemble on anybody else. It’s an outfit that Krystle Carrington would wear to her wedding reception after marrying a Chinese military admiral. I was going to say that it’s something Alexis Carrington would wear, but that would be wrong and against my religion. Comparing PMK to a goddess like Alexis Carrington is like a Scientologist telling the truth. It’s blasphemous and goes against everything I believe in.
If you have enough holy water left, here’s more pictures of PMK as well as pictures of Kim Kartrashian (wearing one of Beyonce’s old ones), Kanye West, Kendall™, Tyga and Kylie™ who worked the “Panama City Beach lot lizard” look at an after-party.
Since Tidal was backed by a thousand egos, it was supposed to be a powerful tsunami that will eventually take Spotify out. But well, so far it has turned to be as powerful as a dripping bathroom faucet. (That was a bad example, because dripping bathroom faucets are pretty powerful. They have been known to drive people to MURDER.)
The Los Angeles Times says that Tidal has already dropped out of iTunes Top 700 apps after only a few weeks. Its arch rival Spotify is #12. (Side note: MyIdol, that highly addictive Chinese app that lets you turn yourself into a cartoon stripper, is at #20.) Tidal has also dropped its CEO and pink-slipped 25 employees. Bitches are so hard up that Jay-Z and Jack White are personally calling Tidal subscribers. They are thisclose to working the stroll and stopping cars to tell the driver, “I’ll suck yer dick if you subscribe to Tidal, honey.”
Even Jay-Z and Beyonce’s bottom bitch Kanye West slowly moved away from Tidal for a second. Kanye wiped his Twitter page clean of any mention of Tidal. But I guess Beyonce called Kanye up and let him know that she’s not going to let him brush her weave and guzzle down her dirty bathwater if he doesn’t fix it, Yeezus. So yesterday afternoon, he suckled on the tip of Tidal’s dick by tweeting about it. On top of all of that, New York Magazine says that Tidal’s slow death is giving Spotify life!
In the middle of all that bad press for Tidal, someone named DJ Skee of Skee TV (via Uproxx) popped up to say that the joint album that Beyonce and Jay-Z have been working on will premiere on Tidal. This is about as surprising as a Grindr trick saying to me, “Errr, I gotta go. I just remembered that I have diarrhea,” after seeing me in person for the first time when I open the door. DJ Skee put the shocking news like this:
“I first reported last year that Jay Z and Beyonce were working on a joint album, which by the way is finally nearing completion. And now my sources are saying it will be released exclusively on Tidal.”
I’ve seen some people putting on their tap shoes to dance on the almost dead corpse of Tidal and that’s just plain cunty. I mean, if Tidal flops, how will Jay-Z, Kanye, Beyonce, Madonna and all those other multi-multi millionaires get more millions? They’ll probably have to downgrade their Gulfstream to an embarrassing Learjet (aka the private jets of the poors). Goopy Paltrow is totally going to laugh at them as she boards her giant solid gold jet. Poor things. Pray for them.
But seriously, Beyonce and Jay-Z’s joint album will definitely be a major traffic getter for Tidal…for about 3 seconds before a wave carries it to services people actually use.
[INTERNALLY SCREAMING] – Kanye West in that picture
Speaking of overblown titles that don’t really mean anything, the party for Time’s annual 100 Most Influential of 2015 list happened in NYC last night. Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian were there, because in addition to being on Summer’s Eve Most Influential list and Botox’s Most Influential list, they were also on the Time 100. While Kuntye and Kummy Kakes posed for photographers, Amy Schumer, whose face is all over the Internet right now, decided to screw with their ho stroll game a bit by throwing herself on the carpet in front of them. At first Kanye probably though it was just another one of his disciples worshiping at the godly feet of Yeezus. But his ego nearly throbbed to the point of exploding when he realized it was just that All About That Bass chick stealing the spotlight from him. If you looked inside of Kanye’s head in that picture, you’d probably see the rose garden scene from Mommie Dearest. Bitch is ready to chop down a tree over this shit.
He probably got off the red carpet and started fisting the air and firing people over someone snatching away his STUNT QUEEN tiara right in front of him.
Amy told Time that she did it, because why the hell not:
“I saw them and said to my publicist: ‘Can I pretend to fall?’ and she said, ‘I can’t stop you,”
Kim didn’t really seem to mind. She even cracked the Botox mask she calls a face by smiling a little. Kim smiled because she thought Amy was playing a fun game of charades and she knew the answer. Seeing Amy with dead eyes and on all fours made Kim think to herself, “I know, I know! The answer is, ‘How I got famous!’”
And here’s more of the Time 100 wearing boring outfits at last night’s gala thing.
I’m sure Kanye West looked at these two covers and thought: “I’m sorry, why is American Hustle’s head bigger than mine? I was told my head would take up at least 89% of the cover, and I see it has not. You’re still able to see the word TIME. This is bullshit. Kim, get Stefan Sagmeister on the phone, I wanna design a new cover.”
After Beyonce made TIME’s list of 100 Most Influential Hos last year, I assumed they were going to retire the title most influential and replace it with until Beyonce makes it back on the list, these people are ok too, I guess, as per the expressed wishes of her majesty Beyonce. But then I saw a couple copies of this year’s TIME 100 in the waiting room of my Brazilian plastic surgeon (real truth: I was at the Swift Suck Lipo Depot in Tampa) and it appears they’re still going with the most influential thing. Although if we’re talking about Kanye, most influential in their own minds might be more fitting. Because all the TIME 100 people are written about by other famous types, Kanye’s ass was kissed by Elon Musk, and that makes zero sense to me. What does the guy who makes electric cars have to do with the guy who turned his wife into a mindless fashion drone? Oh, they’re both into robotics. I get it now.
This year’s list of people who apparently are very influential also included Kanye’s living Hot Looks doll Kim Kardashian, Bradley Cooper, Lorne Michaels, Tay Tay Swift, wait…go back a second. Kim Kardashian? As in drowsy monotone-voiced reality star Kim Kardashian? Of the 7th Circle of Hell Kardashians? Eh, she’s probably a lot more influential than we think; I’m sure “…just don’t make me look like Kim Kardashian” is the phrase most commonly uttered before 90% of cosmetic procedures, and that’s a type of influence, right? You can see the list of all 100 influential people here.
But Bradley Cooper is an odd choice too. How could TIME pick him over his American Sniper co-star, the fake baby?!? That fake baby had more influence on me than any other famous type last year, and that includes real babies too. Everything I needed to learn about life I learned from fake baby. For instance, when in doubt, keep quiet and make it look like you’re sleeping. That’s true inspiration. Fake baby was robbed!
Kim Kartrashian Cut Her Self-Promotion Tour Through Armenia Short To Baptize North West In Jerusalem
Alternate title: North West Baptized In The Middle East
Kim Kartrashian, Khlozilla, Kanye West, North West and E!’s camera crew were supposed to stay in Armenia for 8 days, but I guess they got all the footage they needed and if they need to do reshoots they can always build an exact replica of the Armenian Genocide Memorialin a studio in the San Fernando Valley somewhere. So after Kummy Kakes got her bleached b-hole sucked by the Prime Minster and made sure everyone could see her at the Armenian Genocide Memorial and greeted the people like she’s the fucking Princess Diana of Armenia, she cut her visit short by 3 days to take her goodwhore ambassador tour to Israel. Just when you think that Israel has been through it all, the Kartrashians visit it.
E! News says that Kim, Kanye, Khlozilla and North West all left Armenia early this morning and took a private plane to Jerusalem to baptize the Kardashian family’s newest little money maker. North West’s baptism was an intimate, low-key event and what I mean by that is that they were mobbed by the paparazzi Kim called and E!’s camera crew shot the whole thing for an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. North West’s baptism happened at the St. James. Cathedral in the Armenian Quarter of the Old City in Jerusalem. Kim must have gotten a look-alike to go into the church with North West, because I haven’t read any reports about how the church burst into flames and collapsed as soon as she walked in.
Since Anna Wintour and Beyonce probably said “no thank you” to being North West’s godmother, Khlozilla did the honors. North isn’t going to have a godfather so the priest played that role during the ceremony.
North West’s baptism was just one, great big stunt for Kim’s reality shit show, but it’s still a good thing for North West. Because now that she’s been dipped in the holy water of the holy hand, Pimp Mama Kris can never hold her. The next time PMK tries to hold North West, that baby’s blessed skin will burn off the demon leather on PMK’s claws and the only way she’ll be able to stop the burning is to dip her hands in the blood of a sacrificed goat. It’s just not worth it. So YAY for North West for that.
And before Kanye left Armenia, he did a free concert in Yerevan where he baptized himself as an attention whore by jumping into Swan Lake:
You’d think that as a Gay Fish, he’d be a lot more graceful in the water.
Here’s more of Kim and Khlozilla being treated like damn royalty in Armenia:
Warning: Just like 99.999% of the words that fall out of Kanye West’s hubris hole (aka his mouth), the following will make you feel like you just took a deep inhale on a permanent marker. Kanye recently gave an interview to the New York Times’ T Magazine, and obviously it’s a huge pile of WTF, but one of the more Kanye-y things he said was about his ego.
I always thought that if Kanye’s ego was a physical object, it would be his wife’s two-holiday-hams-in-a-plastic-bag ass. As it turns out, it’s actually a giant marble table. Don’t worry, I’ll let Kanye explain (“Oh here we go” says everybody, as they reach for the Tylenol).
“I have this table in my new house. They put this table in without asking. It was some weird nouveau riche marble table, and I hated it. But it was literally so heavy that it took a crane to move it. We would try to set up different things around it, but it never really worked. I realized that table was my ego. No matter what you put around it, under it, no matter who photographed it, the douchebaggery would always come through.”
“They put it in without asking.” Welcome to life with your in-laws, dude. But Kanye’s ego has more in common with that marble table than them both being severely douchebaggy. Doesn’t marble absorb water? And doesn’t Kanye the fashion designer have a tendency to “absorb” other people’s ideas? Yeah, this marble table metaphor makes total sense.
Speaking of fashion, Kanye also talked about how he’s always wanted to be Kanye West: FASHION TASTE MAKER!
“I dreamed, since I was a little kid, of having my own store where I could curate every shoe, sweatshirt and color. I have sketches of it. I cried over the idea of having my own store.”
I wouldn’t be surprised if Kanye’s obsession with clothes started way earlier than that. I’m sure he was hanging out in the womb, curating his amniotic fluid and styling his umbilical cord. Then when he finally came out of his mom’s cooch, his first cries happened after he realized he was in such close proximity of such a tragically unstylish hospital gown.
Here’s more of Kanye looking like a future times emo teen for T Magazine: