I understand if you need to shut down Dlisted, toss your cookies in a red infectious waste bin and run the “exorcism” tool on Norton while throwing holy water at the screen as you scream, “I rebuke you demon of fame whores in the name of the Lord!” It’s a natural reaction to that dark-sided picture.
When Pimp Mama Kris showed up on the Met Gala red carpet in a cloud of black smoke and flames, Twitter erupted into a thousand “Adam Lambert, get yourself together, girl” jokes. What did Glamberace ever do to deserve to be compared to Lucifer’s hardest-whoring minion? Glamberts, I’ll hold your Hot Topic purses, as you go after the mean bitches who are saying that PMK looks like a melting Adam Lambert Claymation figurine that’s been dipped in the blood of Satan and shellacked.
But the sad part is that I would like PMK’s ensemble on anybody else. It’s an outfit that Krystle Carrington would wear to her wedding reception after marrying a Chinese military admiral. I was going to say that it’s something Alexis Carrington would wear, but that would be wrong and against my religion. Comparing PMK to a goddess like Alexis Carrington is like a Scientologist telling the truth. It’s blasphemous and goes against everything I believe in.
If you have enough holy water left, here’s more pictures of PMK as well as pictures of Kim Kartrashian (wearing one of Beyonce’s old ones), Kanye West, Kendall™, Tyga and Kylie™ who worked the “Panama City Beach lot lizard” look at an after-party.
Since Tidal was backed by a thousand egos, it was supposed to be a powerful tsunami that will eventually take Spotify out. But well, so far it has turned to be as powerful as a dripping bathroom faucet. (That was a bad example, because dripping bathroom faucets are pretty powerful. They have been known to drive people to MURDER.)
The Los Angeles Times says that Tidal has already dropped out of iTunes Top 700 apps after only a few weeks. Its arch rival Spotify is #12. (Side note: MyIdol, that highly addictive Chinese app that lets you turn yourself into a cartoon stripper, is at #20.) Tidal has also dropped its CEO and pink-slipped 25 employees. Bitches are so hard up that Jay-Z and Jack White are personally calling Tidal subscribers. They are thisclose to working the stroll and stopping cars to tell the driver, “I’ll suck yer dick if you subscribe to Tidal, honey.”
Even Jay-Z and Beyonce’s bottom bitch Kanye West slowly moved away from Tidal for a second. Kanye wiped his Twitter page clean of any mention of Tidal. But I guess Beyonce called Kanye up and let him know that she’s not going to let him brush her weave and guzzle down her dirty bathwater if he doesn’t fix it, Yeezus. So yesterday afternoon, he suckled on the tip of Tidal’s dick by tweeting about it. On top of all of that, New York Magazine says that Tidal’s slow death is giving Spotify life!
In the middle of all that bad press for Tidal, someone named DJ Skee of Skee TV (via Uproxx) popped up to say that the joint album that Beyonce and Jay-Z have been working on will premiere on Tidal. This is about as surprising as a Grindr trick saying to me, “Errr, I gotta go. I just remembered that I have diarrhea,” after seeing me in person for the first time when I open the door. DJ Skee put the shocking news like this:
“I first reported last year that Jay Z and Beyonce were working on a joint album, which by the way is finally nearing completion. And now my sources are saying it will be released exclusively on Tidal.”
I’ve seen some people putting on their tap shoes to dance on the almost dead corpse of Tidal and that’s just plain cunty. I mean, if Tidal flops, how will Jay-Z, Kanye, Beyonce, Madonna and all those other multi-multi millionaires get more millions? They’ll probably have to downgrade their Gulfstream to an embarrassing Learjet (aka the private jets of the poors). Goopy Paltrow is totally going to laugh at them as she boards her giant solid gold jet. Poor things. Pray for them.
But seriously, Beyonce and Jay-Z’s joint album will definitely be a major traffic getter for Tidal…for about 3 seconds before a wave carries it to services people actually use.
[INTERNALLY SCREAMING] – Kanye West in that picture
Speaking of overblown titles that don’t really mean anything, the party for Time’s annual 100 Most Influential of 2015 list happened in NYC last night. Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian were there, because in addition to being on Summer’s Eve Most Influential list and Botox’s Most Influential list, they were also on the Time 100. While Kuntye and Kummy Kakes posed for photographers, Amy Schumer, whose face is all over the Internet right now, decided to screw with their ho stroll game a bit by throwing herself on the carpet in front of them. At first Kanye probably though it was just another one of his disciples worshiping at the godly feet of Yeezus. But his ego nearly throbbed to the point of exploding when he realized it was just that All About That Bass chick stealing the spotlight from him. If you looked inside of Kanye’s head in that picture, you’d probably see the rose garden scene from Mommie Dearest. Bitch is ready to chop down a tree over this shit.
He probably got off the red carpet and started fisting the air and firing people over someone snatching away his STUNT QUEEN tiara right in front of him.
Amy told Time that she did it, because why the hell not:
“I saw them and said to my publicist: ‘Can I pretend to fall?’ and she said, ‘I can’t stop you,”
Kim didn’t really seem to mind. She even cracked the Botox mask she calls a face by smiling a little. Kim smiled because she thought Amy was playing a fun game of charades and she knew the answer. Seeing Amy with dead eyes and on all fours made Kim think to herself, “I know, I know! The answer is, ‘How I got famous!’”
And here’s more of the Time 100 wearing boring outfits at last night’s gala thing.
I’m sure Kanye West looked at these two covers and thought: “I’m sorry, why is American Hustle’s head bigger than mine? I was told my head would take up at least 89% of the cover, and I see it has not. You’re still able to see the word TIME. This is bullshit. Kim, get Stefan Sagmeister on the phone, I wanna design a new cover.”
After Beyonce made TIME’s list of 100 Most Influential Hos last year, I assumed they were going to retire the title most influential and replace it with until Beyonce makes it back on the list, these people are ok too, I guess, as per the expressed wishes of her majesty Beyonce. But then I saw a couple copies of this year’s TIME 100 in the waiting room of my Brazilian plastic surgeon (real truth: I was at the Swift Suck Lipo Depot in Tampa) and it appears they’re still going with the most influential thing. Although if we’re talking about Kanye, most influential in their own minds might be more fitting. Because all the TIME 100 people are written about by other famous types, Kanye’s ass was kissed by Elon Musk, and that makes zero sense to me. What does the guy who makes electric cars have to do with the guy who turned his wife into a mindless fashion drone? Oh, they’re both into robotics. I get it now.
This year’s list of people who apparently are very influential also included Kanye’s living Hot Looks doll Kim Kardashian, Bradley Cooper, Lorne Michaels, Tay Tay Swift, wait…go back a second. Kim Kardashian? As in drowsy monotone-voiced reality star Kim Kardashian? Of the 7th Circle of Hell Kardashians? Eh, she’s probably a lot more influential than we think; I’m sure “…just don’t make me look like Kim Kardashian” is the phrase most commonly uttered before 90% of cosmetic procedures, and that’s a type of influence, right? You can see the list of all 100 influential people here.
But Bradley Cooper is an odd choice too. How could TIME pick him over his American Sniper co-star, the fake baby?!? That fake baby had more influence on me than any other famous type last year, and that includes real babies too. Everything I needed to learn about life I learned from fake baby. For instance, when in doubt, keep quiet and make it look like you’re sleeping. That’s true inspiration. Fake baby was robbed!
Kim Kartrashian Cut Her Self-Promotion Tour Through Armenia Short To Baptize North West In Jerusalem
Alternate title: North West Baptized In The Middle East
Kim Kartrashian, Khlozilla, Kanye West, North West and E!’s camera crew were supposed to stay in Armenia for 8 days, but I guess they got all the footage they needed and if they need to do reshoots they can always build an exact replica of the Armenian Genocide Memorialin a studio in the San Fernando Valley somewhere. So after Kummy Kakes got her bleached b-hole sucked by the Prime Minster and made sure everyone could see her at the Armenian Genocide Memorial and greeted the people like she’s the fucking Princess Diana of Armenia, she cut her visit short by 3 days to take her goodwhore ambassador tour to Israel. Just when you think that Israel has been through it all, the Kartrashians visit it.
E! News says that Kim, Kanye, Khlozilla and North West all left Armenia early this morning and took a private plane to Jerusalem to baptize the Kardashian family’s newest little money maker. North West’s baptism was an intimate, low-key event and what I mean by that is that they were mobbed by the paparazzi Kim called and E!’s camera crew shot the whole thing for an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. North West’s baptism happened at the St. James. Cathedral in the Armenian Quarter of the Old City in Jerusalem. Kim must have gotten a look-alike to go into the church with North West, because I haven’t read any reports about how the church burst into flames and collapsed as soon as she walked in.
Since Anna Wintour and Beyonce probably said “no thank you” to being North West’s godmother, Khlozilla did the honors. North isn’t going to have a godfather so the priest played that role during the ceremony.
North West’s baptism was just one, great big stunt for Kim’s reality shit show, but it’s still a good thing for North West. Because now that she’s been dipped in the holy water of the holy hand, Pimp Mama Kris can never hold her. The next time PMK tries to hold North West, that baby’s blessed skin will burn off the demon leather on PMK’s claws and the only way she’ll be able to stop the burning is to dip her hands in the blood of a sacrificed goat. It’s just not worth it. So YAY for North West for that.
And before Kanye left Armenia, he did a free concert in Yerevan where he baptized himself as an attention whore by jumping into Swan Lake:
You’d think that as a Gay Fish, he’d be a lot more graceful in the water.
Here’s more of Kim and Khlozilla being treated like damn royalty in Armenia:
Warning: Just like 99.999% of the words that fall out of Kanye West’s hubris hole (aka his mouth), the following will make you feel like you just took a deep inhale on a permanent marker. Kanye recently gave an interview to the New York Times’ T Magazine, and obviously it’s a huge pile of WTF, but one of the more Kanye-y things he said was about his ego.
I always thought that if Kanye’s ego was a physical object, it would be his wife’s two-holiday-hams-in-a-plastic-bag ass. As it turns out, it’s actually a giant marble table. Don’t worry, I’ll let Kanye explain (“Oh here we go” says everybody, as they reach for the Tylenol).
“I have this table in my new house. They put this table in without asking. It was some weird nouveau riche marble table, and I hated it. But it was literally so heavy that it took a crane to move it. We would try to set up different things around it, but it never really worked. I realized that table was my ego. No matter what you put around it, under it, no matter who photographed it, the douchebaggery would always come through.”
“They put it in without asking.” Welcome to life with your in-laws, dude. But Kanye’s ego has more in common with that marble table than them both being severely douchebaggy. Doesn’t marble absorb water? And doesn’t Kanye the fashion designer have a tendency to “absorb” other people’s ideas? Yeah, this marble table metaphor makes total sense.
Speaking of fashion, Kanye also talked about how he’s always wanted to be Kanye West: FASHION TASTE MAKER!
“I dreamed, since I was a little kid, of having my own store where I could curate every shoe, sweatshirt and color. I have sketches of it. I cried over the idea of having my own store.”
I wouldn’t be surprised if Kanye’s obsession with clothes started way earlier than that. I’m sure he was hanging out in the womb, curating his amniotic fluid and styling his umbilical cord. Then when he finally came out of his mom’s cooch, his first cries happened after he realized he was in such close proximity of such a tragically unstylish hospital gown.
Here’s more of Kanye looking like a future times emo teen for T Magazine:
If you live in the southern California area and have noticed a sudden surplus of injectable face fillers, this would be why. Kim Kardashian, her current husband Kanye West, the baby thing that she sometimes hangs out with North West, and their bodyguard Khloe Kardashian have landed in Armenia. Dear Armenia: on behalf of humanity, I am truly, truly sorry.
TMZ says Kim took the trip because she wanted to get in touch with her Armenian roots. “Uh…yeah…me too” thought Khloe, as she nervously shifted her eyes from side to side. I guess Kim figured it was time to reconnect with her father’s culture since she’s spent so much time fully embracing her mother’s (being a hard-core fame-whore is considered a culture, right?). And I’m assuming she brought North so that her daughter wouldn’t grow up thinking her mother’s heritage was Silicone-American.
Speaking of heritage, Kanye West must not want to identify as a pap-swatting hater anymore, because he finally settled that lawsuit that was filed against him by that pap he whooped outside LAX in 2013. Even weirder, he publicly apologized to the pap and shook his hand WHILE SMILING. And we all know Kanye never smiles, so I don’t know what’s up with that. My guess is Pimp Mama Kris pulled some kind of Invasion of the Body Snatchers shit on him. PMK is half pod person, right?
And while Kim and the krew are in Armenia, TMZ says they’ll visit the Armenian Genocide monument, museums (LOL – more like the museum bathroom to take porn face selfies in the mirror), visit the town where Robert Kardashian’s family is from. And hopefully while they’re doing all that, America finds a way to prevent them from re-entering the country. “Sorry Armenia, they’re your problem now! XO Uncle Sam.”
Here’s Kim, Kanye, Khloe, and an over-it North West flying out of LAX yesterday:
People attending Easter Sunday service at West Hills Church in the San Fernando Valley were forced to watch the Fame Whorey of Easter pageant when the Dark Mistress of the Ninth Circle Pimp Mama Kris and her pack of moneymakers strolled on through while looking like the blind members of a cult who were dressed by hos who hate them.
When PMK let the paparazzi know the exact time that they’d be doing the ho stroll to church, the paps should’ve made sure that they had a mob of strict Catholic abuelitas waiting for them. Because those abuelitas would’ve had the time of their lives slapping down those Godless heathens with chanclas for bringing exposed belly button, teenage kamel toe and pure trashiness to church! Kanye West may have thought that his holey t-shirt is appropriate for that holy occasion, but Jesus does not like puns.
While Bruce Jenner, Rob Kartrashian and Scott Disick were at home breathing out several sighs of relief over not being a part of this ridiculous unholy Easter stunt, PMK, her boy toy, the KKKs, the Jenner girls, Tyga, Kanye West and a bunch of kids did a little staged photo-op in the parking lot of West Hills Church (not to be confused with that fake church PMK supposedly uses to dodge taxes). The truth is, I don’t know why anyone is clutching their rosaries over their outfits. First of all, it’s the Kartrashians. Do you expect anything less? Second of all, it’s just church! It’s not a sacred place like In-N-Out where you should always show up in your finest outfit. Third of all, I doubt they even stayed for the service.
After they did their photo-op, they got to the front door of the church and PMK jumped into the arms of her fabulous pucker-inducing boy toy. PMK will burst into flames if her hooves touch the floor of a holy place, so her boy toy carried her through the church to the backdoor. Once they left the church through the backdoor, they walked to a dumpster where a hidden elevator took them down to the basement. While in the basement, PMK did her annual virgin sacrifice to her maker Lucifer as everybody else took selfies. After the sacrifice, they took the elevator back up and left the church through the front door as though they attended Easter Sunday service.
And North West’s look of shame says everything that needs to be said.
Nicki Minaj, Madge, Kanye, Jay-Z, Chris Martin’s face, Jack White and Beyonce were all on the same stage together and the earth beneath them didn’t collapse from the weight of their massive, throbbing egos. Basement Baby and the rejected children of Destiny were probably under the stage, holding it up to make sure that didn’t happen.
If you went to urgent care last night with a pulled neck muscle, then I’m guessing you pulled that neck muscle from shaking your head back and forth while watching the ridiculously awkward press conference for Tidal, a revolutionary new music streaming service that’s like Spotify except shittier and more expensive. Seen above seconds before they pulled their empty pockets out to show all of us how broke they are, RiRi, Nicki, Madge, DeadMau5, Kanye, Jay-Z and many, many others gathered together
for an Illuminati board meeting at a press conference to announce that they want more of your money. They’re all sick of barely scraping their rent money together from singing on street corners for loose change. So they joined forces to try to take out Spotify and make more cash while doing so.
During Kanye West’s lecture series on egotistical tricks with chronic narcissistic personality disorder at Oxford University last week (working title: Kanye’s Thoughts), Kanye claimed that he has a super-special friendship with President Barack Obama by saying “Obama calls the home phone, by the way.” However, during an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Thursday night, President Obama sort of pulled a Mimi-style I don’t know him by saying that he’s only met Kanye twice and he doesn’t think he has his home phone number, thus confirming that Kanye is still a giant ball of delusional crazy and all is right with the world.