It’s the weekend, which means most of you are happy. But I’m working to entertain you people. So let me bring a little darkness into your otherwise bright, shiny day. Prepare your mind for a trip to a place so dark, so twisted, one might call it a dark, twisted fantasy. I wouldn’t. But the person in question definitely would and would tell you it was an honor and a privilege to enter this nightmare realm. I present to you, The Bootyhole Baron aka Kanye Kardashian telling the world that he has never watched porn with the sound on. You’re welcome. Now you’ll be thinking of this heaving mound of ego playing skin flute by himself.
I guess going all of six weeks without seeing his name in the news accompanied by the words “… started ranting about (insert name of famous person)” was irritating Kanye West’s attention-hole, because he recently dragged a famous person into a rant. This time it was his on-again/off-again enemy Taylor Swift. Billboard says that Kanye once again got into his never-ending messy relationship with her during a concert in the Philippines on Saturday.
Kanye West, seen above doing what looks like an interpretive dance called “The Finger and the Booty Ass Bitch” with a photographer at LAX in 2013, has a bit of a history with the paparazzi. Back in 2013, Kanye got in a bit of trouble after he angrily swatted at a photographer and put another one in a headlock. In 2014, Kayne plead no contest to getting handsy, and ended up with 24 months on probation and 250 hours of community service.
Ever since then, Kanye has been trying really hard to reform his image as a violent pap-slapping menace. Kanye is no longer the self-appointed leader of the celebrity civil rights movement. Kanye stops and talks to the paps now. He lets them follow his family around Disneyland. Kanye even breaks up pap fights with hugs. And now Kanye wants to erase the pap-attacking part of his permanent record. According to TMZ, Kanye has completed all of his community service (which was served at L.A. Trade Tech’s fashion school) and has come to the end of his 24 month probation, which means he’s now eligible for a do-over. TMZ says Kanye has recently filed papers asking a judge to expunge his record.
A judge will have to rule on it, but TMZ seems pretty confident his criminal record will be erased. And with that, Kanye will have officially passed the pap-punching torch to his sister-in-law, Kendall Jenner.
Two years ago, Kanye was swinging and screaming at the paps with more anger than the drunk girl who gets kicked out of the club before last call. Now he’s all Kumbaya with them? That’s a little suspicious. It’s almost like someone has cast a paparazzi-loving spell on him. Does anyone know if a student by the name of Kris Jenner was recently enrolled in Introduction to Dark Fame Whore Arts at the University of Southern Hell?
Here’s Kanye and the rest of the 2 Tacky Krew leaving Rob Kardashian’s fake (at least according to Radar) 29th birthday dinner at Nobu on Saturday night. And no, I can’t with Kanye’s Sharpie-covered high school baby punk jean jacket either.
As her black sheep brother got all the attention on Instagram the other night, Pimp Mama Kris’ former #1 ho Kim Kartrashian was feeling lonely and unloved in the corner, so she tried to get attention by posting an old picture of her looking thirsty and Photoshopped. You know, like we’ve never seen her before and by “like we’ve never seen her before,” I mean “like we’ve seen her a zillion times.” Kim’s fame whore energy bars filled up, just like she wanted, because she got a lot of attention including some from international treasure Bette Midler who piped in because she knows all about trash.
Either Kanye West really is as broke as he says he is or he’s just really really dumb (“Why not both?” said the Old El Paso taco kit girl), because last night he was caught trying to steal something. No, not a loaf of bread for his poor starving family. Kanye was caught trying to steal music editing software. And how did he get caught? By tweeting a screen grab of a bunch of open browser tabs, one of which was for the illegal torrent site The Pirate Bay. In the words of DJ Khaled: Congratulations, you played yourself.
So much for swearing up and down that you’ll keep other people’s children out of your angry Twitter tantrums.
When Kanye West released The Life of Pablo to the world, he probably assumed that people would love it so much that he’d open his front door one morning and find all of humanity gathered together, with joyful tears streaming down their faces, waiting to kiss his ass (or throw in a finger, Kanye’s choice).
Some people did really like it. And some people didn’t. One such person was a music producer named Bob Ezrin. Bob had some things to say about TLOP and Kanye’s kurrent behavior for the Lefsetz Letter (via UsWeekly), and it was pretty much the opposite of what Kanye wanted to read.
He looks like…A BABY! Can you even believe it? I can’t.
In the grand Kardashian family tradition of sleepy-faced selfies, Kim Kardashian threw up the first real picture of her three-month-old baby Saint West on her website early this morning. Kim chose today to show us what Saint West’s face looks like because it would have been her dad’s 72nd birthday and that “there’s nothing more in the world he would have wanted than to meet his grandchildren.” Which is a little surprising. I always assumed the reason we hadn’t seen Saint yet was because Kim was holding out for a cover of VOGUE or Son of God Weekly. You know, only the best for Kanye West’s kid.
But back to Saint. I know babies sleep a lot, but I like to pretend that Baby Saint has his eyes closed on purpose. It was probably the first time he’s seen Kim since his birth, and he realized it would be better to pretend to be asleep than to make small talk with the rubber-faced stranger and her kamera krew.
Of course, Kim also made sure to give some internet attention to her two other children this weekend by throwing up a picture of Kanye and North West taking a nap at a baby store yesterday to Instagram.
I’ll be honest, if I had to listen to Kim’s white noise vacuum cleaner voice, I’d be fast asleep too. Here’s more of Kim, North, and the No.1 threat to Kris Jenner’s decades-long investment shopping for baby shit with Chrissy Teigen and John Legend yesterday.
Kanye Kardashian made another stop on his most recent publicity tour – read acting a fool tour – at LAX on Friday. Shockingly, this junket makes him look good and not like the crazy street preacher who talks about God, Jesus and love but also tells you to go fuck yourself and that you’re going to Hell. Maybe Kris Jenner is getting through to him? Or maybe she promised to fund some of his creative endeavours which make him “50 percent more influential than any other human being.”
The alleged fingers in the booty ass bitch landed at LAX on Friday night and was greeted by the usual swarm of fans and photographers. Not to get sidetracked, but the swarm of people and paps that seem to always be there is such a mystery to me. I live in New York and never see shit like that at JFK. Do they live there? Are they hired by THE BIZ to keep up LA’s celeb capital appearance? Are they from central casting and this is all some meta acting on acting on acting reality warp? Anyway. Think about that!
According to TMZ, two paps got into a big ol’ brawl while waiting to get snaps of the Bootyfinger Baron. They were photographed trying to snatch each other’s camera equipment but with much less finesse than this person. Kanye was breezing and beaming through the crowd when he saw what happened and decided to Mother Teresa the fuck out that shit. The grateful pap thanked him and gave him a hug. This doesn’t smell suspect at all! This totally, definitely doesn’t bring to mind the legendary phrase, “Something in the milk ain’t clean.” (Thank you eternally, Khia.)
Speaking of hugs, here’s something to warm your heart. Kris Jenner got booed off stage while introducing Culture Club at the iHeart80s Radio concert in L.A.
And here’s Kanye leaving for what I’m sure is another stop on his whirlwind adventure to confuse and baffle:
There are a lot of ways you could taint the Kardashian name: not wanting to be famous, actually working, dating someone who isn’t a jailbait-chasing creep, refusing to let your family profit off your sex tape, having the same face and ass you were born with. But apparently ranting about being poor on Twitter is by-far the worst thing you could do. “Worse than going on Fashion Police and calling me the worst dressed Kardashian at the Yeezy show? Yeah, okay” thought Caitlyn Jenner.
According to Page Six, what was once the most shimmering jewel in Kris Jenner’s pimp chalice is now apparently a chipped rhinestone that keeps catching on her claws. A source klaims that just like her favorite daughter, Kris is worried that Kanye West’s recent Twitter fuckery and backstage meltdowns are “damaging the Kardashian brand.” On the upside, Kris thinks she might have found a solution to her Kanye problem.
A source tells Page Six that Kanye has been ordered by The Plastic Puppetmaster to hire a publicist who deals with crisis management. Kris wants Kanye to focus more on his music and less on being a crazy unpredictable mess. Unfortunately, none of their calls have been returned because nobody wants to work with him. Quelle-fucking-surprise, I know. When asked about working with Kanye, one top publicist replied: “You couldn’t pay us enough to represent Kanye. He’s too much to handle.” Somewhere in Hell, Satan is watching all this unfold and cackling “Oh, the irony! All the money in the world and no one to take it. Bwahahahaha!!!”
Oh dear oh dear, what is a poor pimp to do? What am I saying, I know exactly what she’ll do. She’ll drive him out to the middle of nowhere (or if the location is still saved in her GPS, wherever she left Kris Humphries), slow down just long enough to kick him out of the car, and scream “SEE YA NEVER!” as she peels away.
Kanye West took a break from throwing darts at his Lil’ Chatty Narcissist™ phrase wall and tweeting whatever words he landed on to catch a plane out of LAX yesterday. I’m not sure why, but it could be because he finally got a meeting with two rich investors named Scrooge McDuck and Rich Uncle Pennybags. And from what Mr. Peanut told him, they’re very interested.
While walking though the airport, TMZ asked him what he thought about Kylie Jenner’s million-dollar deal with Puma. Remember when Kanye said that the deal would never ever happen because she would never go against the family like that? Well, Kanye knows that Kanye sort of fucked up on that one. According to Kanye, his tweets couldn’t have had any influence on Kylie’s decision because he wrote them after she had signed a contract with Puma. Kanye says he “was mad for a little bit” (I wonder if he called her a “fake ass” when he found out?), but that he’s “really happy for her now.”
Kanye also told the paps at LAX that he’s ok with everyone laughing at him while he begs billionaires for money because we can “feel his energy” and know where he’ll be in the future. I wonder if Kanye’s future includes all those people who bought The Life of Pablo actually getting a finished copy of it.
“It’s like, I want the best for that person, but there’s people going through real issues out here. There’s people out of work. There’s people in debt that can’t make it out of the debt. There’s people that’s in debt that don’t have a shoe.”
“If they’re looking for a shoe, they could always check the dumpster behind my brother’s house” giggled Tay Tay.
Here’s Kanye’s sister-in-law all kleaned up for a fashion show yesterday. You know, I almost didn’t recognize her. But then I saw the contrast in color between her face and hands and everything clicked into place.