Yes, that is the O face Pimp Mama Kris made after she drew a pentagram (that’s her official signature) in blood on her new contract with E!. I understand if you need to clear your cookies, shut down your browser, turn off your laptop and dip it in holy water while vowing to never ever think of Dlisted again. I deserve it for throwing this dark-sided, unholy shit at you.
Page Six says that this country’s nightmare has been extended for another 4 years. Pimp Mama Kris has once again earned the title of Pimp of the Year by brokering a “record breaking” deal worth $100 million. PMK’s wax-covered, Botox-filled ATMs including Kummy Kakes, Khlozilla, The Slow One, Kendull and Kylie Jenner are all part of the deal. Bruce Jenner is not and neither is that one who lives under the stairs and only scurries out to grab a sandwich or a cupcake left on the kitchen island. I forgot his name and I’m sure they have too. Page Six says this deal is the biggest in reality shit show history.
The deal that is making the flames in Hell rise higher covers at least 4 more seasons of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians as well as new seasons of those Kourtney and Khloe Take (insert the name of the poor city they’re terrorizing here) shows. Thanks to E!’s deal with the devil, Khlozilla will continue to do red carpet stuff for them, Kummy Kakes will produce her own shows and PMK may open up a Kartrashian channel on YouTube. The source also spit out these fightin’ words:
“You’ll be seeing a lot more of the Kardashian family. This is a huge deal, which will see their involvement with the network and its digital properties expand well into the future.”
So that’s why I heard a high-pitched cackle echo through the land this morning. It was Ryan Seacrest, that evil midget minotaur with a blonde wig covering his whittled down horns, cackling as even more gold coins filled his pot.
This deal isn’t surprising. PMK has the E! exclamation point wrapped around her claw. If E! didn’t have the Kartrashians, what would they do? Greenlight a cooking show hosted by Giuliana Rancic? This world. It really is a sad day in America when Krapping Up on the Kartrashians is renewed for 4 more seasons and yet quality television like Flavor of Love isn’t on the air anymore.
And here’s Kim dressed like a day-shift Hunts Point hooker circa 1991 (no offense to day-shift Hunts Point hookers circa 1991) while going to the Brit Awards with Kanye yesterday.
Amber Rose finally aimed and fired at her ex-piece Kanye West for saying during an interview with The Breakfast Club this morning that no woman wants to be with a man who has been with her and he had to take 30 showers before getting with Kim Kartrashian. Amber squirted a load of hypocrisy into Kanye’s face by reminding him that his precious wife, whom he had to cleanse himself for, once let Brandy’s brother bust a spoonful of man chowder on her in a sex tape.
Wait 30 showers? But Kim let RayJ nut on her…. Never mind.
— Amber Rose (@DaRealAmberRose) February 20, 2015
After that tweet, I brought out the popping topping and began making a giant bowl of popcorn, because I thought Amber Rose was going to let all the emotions out and read every inch of Kanye. Amber pulled out her dick, slapped our b-holes with it and stuck the tip in just a little with this tweet:
@kanyewest This is my moment to let the world know who u really are and the things you've done to me.
— Amber Rose (@DaRealAmberRose) February 20, 2015
But then she pulled out:
@kanyewest after all these years I never snitched on u and I don't plan on starting now. We once loved each other so I won't do u like that.
— Amber Rose (@DaRealAmberRose) February 20, 2015
That teasing ass trick! My body and soul was ready for her to spill it all and expose Kanye. Screw taking the high road or whatever. The high road doesn’t lead to us finding out some ESCANDALOSO shit like how she and Kanye never boned and how he cuddles with a Riccardo Tisci Real Doll every night and how he secretly hates Apple products so his laptop is an Acer in MacBook Air clothing.
Amber went on to tweet that she’ll let the Kartrashians destroy him when they’re done using him and she knows that she and Kummy Kakes are basically making money the same way, but the difference is she doesn’t think she’s better than anyone:
I’ll leave that up to the Kartrashians to humiliate u when they’re done with u. I’m always so quiet and just a cool fun girl. The funny thing is I’m all for a woman making something out of nothing. Ppl make mistakes in life trust me I have. But when u bully other ppl and ur not perfect its so fucked. I own up to every piece of my life.
That’s nice and everything, cool fun girl, but now I have blue balls. Way to tease.
If you listened to Kanye West’s interview with Power 105.1′s The Breakfast Club this morning, you’re probably pulling out the dried bullshit dingles and corroded nuggets of delusion that he spewed into your ears. Kanye was on a roll. Kanye basically confirmed and applauded 25-year-old Tyga fucking on his 17-year-old sister-in-law Kylie Jenner and said that he needed to cleanse himself of Amber Rose’s filthy whoriness after dating her. I mean…
And guess what? None of them have to do with him being a good fashion designer. Shocking, I know. People asked Kelly Cutrone, aka Lauren and Whitney’s bitchy boss on The Hills who seriously looked completely over it 99.9% of the time, what she thought of Kanye West’s latest attempt at being a fashion designer, and she blew this beautiful slap-scented air kiss to Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband:
“I’m not into his fashion thing. I think he’s fine as a rapper. I think he’s a joke as a fashion designer.”
Be still my beating heart. But Cunty Cuntrone wasn’t done dragging Kanye just yet; when asked if she liked the shoes he did, Kelly hissed:
“I mean, it’s not, he’s not legit. Have you seen the product? Didn’t he have his own line in London, which was a disaster that he spent $10 million to do, that no one wore?”
Then like a true bitch, Kelly yanked the wig right off Kanye’s head by telling that no-talent trick to go back to rapping, while also throwing a little shade in Diddy’s direction:
“I just think that you should stay focused at what you’re good at. Just because you’re a good rapper doesn’t mean you’re going to be a good fashion designer. I mean, we’ve seen that over and over. Sean John is a really successful line, but you know, no one in the fashion industry is waking up and going, ‘Hey did you get that … did you like, trade up your Moncler for your Sean John?’ No. Nobody’s saying that.
I’m sure at this very moment, Amber Rose is thinking: “Yaaaassss bitch, do Khloe Kardashian next! Open the library and read her to filth!”
But even though Kelly’s review of Kanye’s stupid fashion show killed me, buried me, and brought me back to life, it’s still nowhere near as perfect as one he got from his own daughter.
While the rest of us on the east coast spent last night humping the hottest heat source in our house while wrapped in so many blankets we look like a quilted Jabba the Hutt, silently praying for the sweet hand of death to take us away from this snow-covered hell hole (just me? Ok then), Taylor Swift was attaching a set of walking cane ice picks to the backs of her favorite pair of cold weather kitten heels so she could skip safely down the streets of NYC and meet Kanye West for dinner. Random, thy name is whatever name they gave for the reservation.
According to the NY Daily News, the come-to-life Homecoming Queen Skipper doll and Kim Kardashian’s kurrent krazy husband had dinner together last night at The Spotted Pig. No word on whether or not during their meal he grabbed the fork out of her hand and said “Yo Taylor, Imma let you finish, but…“.
Also no word on what those two even talked about, since I can only imagine how awkward and weird a conversation between those two would be (“Kayne, do you like cats? I sure do. Wanna make some cutesy surprised faces with me?“), but the Daily News seems to think it might have something to do with that time Kanye told wealthy elf Ryan Seacrest that he’d be open to the idea of a collaboration with Taylor. Oh boy, I can see it now: Kanye West ft. Lil’ Butterscotch. I’m sure Tay Tay is searching Etsy for a pair of fug colored contacts as we speak.
And when I pictured Kanye West getting dressed up to have dinner with Taylor Swift, I definitely didn’t imagine he’d settle on lazy Shia LaBeouf drag. Here’s Tay Tay’s newest best friend Kanye-ye leaving his apartment for his dinner date last night:
Kanye West Did Some Kind Of Kanye West-y Post-Modern Art Performance On The SNL 40th Anniversary Show
And shockingly, for the first time this week, North West wasn’t sitting in the front row and screaming through the whole thing. During last night’s Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary show that I’m still pissed off included zero appearances by the greatest SNL character ever, Toonces, but whatever, music’s version of Shia LaBeouf Kanye West opened his performance in the most Kanye way possible: by lying on the floor in some kind of white light box while looking like Blade’s fancy fashion brother in a pair of colored contacts and a gold grill in his mouth.
Kanye, or “Candy West” if you’re Christopher Walken, performed “Jesus Walks” (which I am surprised that egotistical trick hasn’t changed to “Yeezus Walks” by now), “Only One”, and “Wolves”, which he was joined on the floor by rapper Vic Mensa and Sia, who were also dressed like Derelicte by Kanye West by Mugatu. The whole thing was a mess; it was like a 1st year college performance art piece in association with an expired bottle of NyQuil and the NYC sanitation department. Somewhere in a cocktail lounge in Atlantic City and a cocktail lounge up in Heaven, The Sweeney Sisters are like “We got bumped for this? RUDE.”
And as if that wasn’t enough attention, he also got a shout out by his former partner in Hurricane Katrina awkwardness Mike Myers and the surprisingly still hot Dana Carvey during a Wayne’s World sketch. Live, from New York, it’s Kanye West! ….and some other people. And if you really want a side of the dry heaves with your morning coffee, I’ve included two up-close pictures of Kanye and his come-to-life Real Doll Kim Kardashian wearing those busted mall contact lenses after the cut.
Cathy Horyn of The New York Times, who? North West is the only fashion critic we need. On Thursday, North West made it perfectly clear that Kanye West’s collection for Adidas is an 80s aerobics fugly nightmare when she screamed during the show and demanded to be led far, far away from those nasty rags. North West pretty much gave Alexander Wang’s Fall/Winter 2015 collection the same review. You’d bawl too if a model came stomping toward you in those 90s gothic shit brick shoes.
The Illuminati’s parents of the year, Kim Kartrashian and Kuntye West, once again dragged their little, living fashion accessory to the last place she wants to be: a New York Fashion Week show. Why won’t those dumb fucks let North West live her life? I know as much about babies as I do about proper sentence structure, but I’m pretty sure listening to ear drum-busting music while watching The Grudge-looking ass models with constipation face is not their idea of a good time. Babies like to drool on their stuffed animals while watching mindless cartoons. They’re like stoners that way.
Pimp Mama Kris must be so disappointed in Kim. PMK taught Kim everything she knows about the pimp game and that hallowed-out mannequin of dumb made a rookie mistake. Doesn’t Kim know that you’re supposed to sell your child’s soul five seconds after they’re born so that they become vain and shallow inside and won’t act up when you parade them in front of the cameras? PMK is so ashamed! But I hope North West keeps rebelling against those messes, because we really need a Mommie Dearest-like tell-all from her in 20 years titled Pimpie Dearest.
Pics: Getty, Splash
And after you look at the pictures of Kanye’s collection, you’l feel exactly the same.
Soulless fame whore mannequin Kim Kartrashian learned today that sometimes your living and breathing fashion accessory is tired of being your living and breathing fashion accessory and fights back. At the New York Fashion Week show for Kanye West’s collection for Adidas tonight, Kummy Kakes once again dragged North West out for photo-ops and that child was not having it. She did not want to be there. Beyonce, Jay-Z and Anna Wintour were totally over it and I’m surprised Anna didn’t shush that child up by sucking her soul.
Can you even blame North West? The clothes are awful, the music is probably loud and she’s sitting next to the Queen of the Death Eaters who can eat her youth at any moment. North West just wants to be at home with her mommy aka the nanny.
With that being said, North West is my new favorite fashion critic.
And here’s a million pictures of Kummy, Anna (who was not amused by these ugly clothes), North West, RiRi, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Diddy (whose head looks like a clit between two furry coochie lips) and the collection which looks like “homeless ballerina as seen through the eyes of Mugatu.”
Pics: Reuters, Getty, Wenn.com
Here it is, the first of Kanye West’s many delusional non-apologies for behaving like a spoiled twat (copyright: Shirley Manson) at the Grammys on Sunday night. During a radio interview with Satan’s human helper in the field of Kardashian media exposure Ryan Seacrest this morning, Kanye admitted that the reason he ran up on stage after Beck won the Grammy for Album of the Year is because he’s a giant stupid asshole. NO! It’s because the voices in his head told him to do it:
“You know, I felt like just the whole Grammys, right when that happened, everybody was looking at me, and then people started screaming, ‘Kanye! Kanye! Go do it!’ Okay, that didn’t really happen, these were voices in my head. So the voices in my head told me to go up, and then I just walked up, like, halfway up the stage.”
“You know, what I really wanted to do is just joke around with what had happened before [with Taylor Swift at the 2009 VMAs], but I just really didn’t want to take away from Beck’s moment or the time he’s having to talk, because, you know, the Grammys, they play music really quick no matter who you are and everything. So I didn’t want anything to take away from his screen time. So I just walked back down because, you know, it was kind of a joke, like the Grammys themselves.”
Ryan Seacrest also asked him to explain the comments he made after the show. You know, the ones where he said Beck needs to show some respect for artistry and give his Grammy to Beyonce:
“Well, you know what happened? It’s because I sat there and I kind of let that [smolder] and I was asked my opinion and I was given a platform. And when given a platform, it’s very hard, as we know — and I’m going to talk in third person like I’m a crazy person — but it’s very hard for Kanye West to not be very true and vocal to what he feels.”
If you take out every word except for “I’m a crazy person”, then that’s the most self-aware thing Kanye West has ever said. And I know that Kanye has always talked about Kanye in the third person, but part of me thinks he still does it because it helps the not-smart voices in Kim Kardashian’s head remember the name of the man she’s currently married to. That Kanye, such a romantic.
Sometimes we just need a ginger rock goddess from Scotland to strap a trick in his high chair and spoon feed him a whole lot of truth. Shirley Manson of Garbage watched with all of us as Kanye West pulled an “Imma” fake out on Beck at the Grammys before later telling E! that he wasn’t joking and Beyonce should have won Album of the Year, because artistry must be respected. I’m sure the Grammy hos heard Kry Baby Kanye loud and clear and next year will belatedly pay tribute to his wife’s highly artistic contributions to the music world by naming “Jam (Turn It Up” as Best Song By A Soulless Hose Beast.
Even though Beck isn’t bothered, Shirley just couldn’t stay quiet as Kanye shit on Beck’s win and continued to defend a woman who already has her own team of bodyguards (led by welterweight elevator fighter Basement Baby), so she spit out her rant on Facebook.