Riccardo Tisci, Givenchy’s creative director and the genius fashion troll responsible for doing Kim Kartrashian up like a Laura Ashley sausage casing, spilled out a caca river of ridiculousness that is so delusional that if any of us said it our family members would drop a giant net over our bodies and drag us off to a padded room somewhere. A few months ago, Kanye Kardashian (née West) went Defcon level 1 when he declared his plastic Just My Size dress-up doll as the Marilyn Monroe of our time. Well, there’s an echo in Fame Whore Valley, because the trick who shares a Best Friends Forever necklace with Kanye said the same thing to The Sunday Times (via E! Online). While his tongue was pressed firmly up against Kanye’s freshly waxed asshole, Riccardo Tisci managed to say this:
“I met her as the girlfriend of a good friend. I just wanted a moment with her to understand—and I fell in love. She’s the Monroe of our age. People think she’s like a doll, but actually she’s tough and clever.
It’s not so much the beauty of people, but the talent, the roots and the intelligence that concern me. I love people who are not scared to fight for their own rights and have their own point of view. The world is big: the music world is big, the art world is big and the fashion world is big, but I think you can recognize a tribe in the similarity of people.”
If Riccardo Tisci’s friends and family truly cared about him, they’ll tell him that is not something you say out loud in public. If you have to say it, it’s only something you say into Kanye’s ear while spooning on a gold-beaded mink bedspread below a mirrored ceiling. Riccardo must be suffering from stage 10 dickmatization and the only cure is to immediately stop and callate la boca.
And a Botox-filled melting wax mannequin that wears whatever fugness her fiancé tells her to wear is definitely a ho I’d describe as not being afraid to “fight for her own rights.”
Here’s Kim looking like a curdled cream puff while walking from Kanye’s apartment to the car in NYC yesterday.
Nervous giggling is pretty much what came out of the chapped whine hole on Kanye West’s face when Charlamagne Tha God spit truth bomb after truth bomb at him during an interview The Breakfast Club a few months ago. Charlamagne stamped the word “HYPOCRITE” on Kanye’s forehead and told him that the video for “Bound 2” was like wet shit splattered on a green screen. Kanye didn’t even look at Charlamagne and when he wasn’t giggling nervously, he kind of spoke calmly for once and didn’t shout out a rant. Kanye did what forest rangers tell you to do when you come across a rabid Khloe Kardashian in the wild. You don’t make eye contact and you don’t make any sudden moves. But I guess Charlamagne wasn’t at Kuntye’s show in University Park, PA last night. Because Kanye suddenly had something to say and screamed so loud that he burnt the tips of Kendall Jenner’s nips in NYC.
While dressed like the member of the most annoying cult ever (or like a chorus member in a low-budget community theater production of Jesus Christ Superstar), Riccardo Tisci’s special Valentine punched the pause button on his performance of “Touch The Sky” to bust out another toddler tantrum that Justin Bieber’s au pair usually hears when she forgets to pour the codeine in his SpongeBob sippy cup full of Fanta.
Today is not the day, so I’m not going to transcribe all the shit nuggets of rage that shot out of Kanye’s mouth, but here’s a few quotes. I did them ALL-CAPS-style, because it’s the only way.
IF I GO TO A RADIO INTERVIEW SHUT THE FUCK UP!
IF YOU’RE ON YOUR TALK SHOW AT NIGHTTIME SHOWING A PICTURE OF ME WALKING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
WE THINKING ABOUT SHAKESPEARE! WE THINKING ABOUT BEY-TOE-VEN!
2013! SPOOFING AND TRYING TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT WHAT WE DO! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THE PAST 10 YEARS OF YOUR PAST MOTHERFUCKING LIFE? CHARLAMAGNE! SWAY! THE FUCK YOU DID?
I AM YEEEEEEEZUS!
When the crowd starting chanting “Yeezus” (which still sounds like a cutesy named you’d give your yeast infection), it was like watching a sermon at a fucked up cult. Pass me the donation basket, because I’d like to drop a clue and a tranquilizer disguised as a Skittle in there. But I guess all those people got what they paid for. When you go to a Kanye show, you expect to see him dressed like a citizen of Tatooine and you really expect him to split your last nerve with his screaming.
I bet every poor dog wearing a shock collar within a ten mile radius of that show hates Kanye a little something extra today, because when he started screaming like an extra mad Cartman, they got zapped to hell and back.
The little racist who got a face full of gay fish fist for spitting racial slurs into Kim Kardashian’s ear at her chiropractor’s office now has $250,000 more in his checking account. TMZ says that Kanye West pulled a stack of hundred dollar bills out of his butt cleavage and threw $250,000 at the bitch he punched to not press charges and to go away. Yes, that 18-year-old kid got that much money and all he had to do was get fisted by Kanye. (“Where’s my $250,000?!” – Riccardo Tisci) Pimp Mama Kris now knows that if she ever needs some quick Botox money, all she has to do is get one of her low-level whores (see: Rob) to spit a racial slur at Kim before getting punched by Kanye and she’ll have an instant $250,000!
A source (Pimp Mama Kris should just legally change her name to A Source and get it over with) tells TMZ that the little racist wanted high-six figures and after a little back and forth both sides agreed on a quarter of a million dollars. Kanye’s farts are worth more than that and I’m not making that up. Kanye shoves gold pills up his asshole so his farts are solid gold. The kid took the money and because he refuses to work with the D.A. now, Kanye won’t face battery charges. The case is closed.
So to recap: Some racist kid said a bunch of racist shit to Kim’s face while opening up the door to her chiropractor’s office and then Kanye showed up and beat his ass up. To make it all go away, Kanye is paying that racist kid off. And none of that was caught on camera. Kourtney has pushed out a kid on camera and Pimp Mama Kris got a new face installed on her head on camera, and yet that didn’t happen on camera. That might be the first time in history when a piece of Kim’s life wasn’t caught on camera. I’m not saying it was a publicity stunt (okay, I sort of am), but if it was, then it wasn’t one of PMK’s best. She has got to stunt harder.
But before we get into the PlasticFace vs. PlasticFace war of 2014, let’s all slow clap for the artiste who pasted Kanye West’s head onto that picture in Photoshop. It almost looks like he was actually spending time with his kid and she isn’t hugging on her favorite weekday nanny instead.
So, during her stand-up show at the Saban Theater in L.A. on Friday night, Joan Rivers did what Joan Rivers does: drag hos and this time she dragged a baby. Joan told the audience about how Kim Kartrashian brought North into the E! offices one day and she got a good look at the Illuminati’s chosen one. According to Radar, the woman who gave birth to Melissa Rivers said this about Baby Seaweed’s looks and all-natural eyebrow situation:
“That baby is ugly… I’ve never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a waxing.”
That is everyone’s cue to put on a gas mask and stay inside until the US Environmental Protection Agency tells us it’s clear, because the air will fill with toxic clouds of burnt plastic, charred silicone, melting rubber, scorched Botox and exploding gay fish anus when Pimp Mama Kris, Kanye and Joan Rivers go at it over this. Oh, what am I saying. PMK probably sent Joan a basket full of Liquid Nails (Botox is for amateurs) and labia bleaching cream as a thank you gift for giving her future little money maker more attention.
The LAPD are currently putting their Detective La Toya-brand magnifying glasses over that little incident where Kanye Kardashian allegedly fisted a little racist for shitting out racial slurs at Kim Kartrashian and threatening to kill her. Radar says that you can’t tell by looking at Kim’s face since it’s frozen in time forever, but she is traumatized by the whole experience the same way a dude gets traumatized when he tries to toss her salad without taking a long deep breath first. Kim still hasn’t filed a police report against the little racist who threatened to murder her, but a source tells Radar that it’ll be interesting when she does, because nobody heard that little asshole spit a death threat at her.
“Kim hasn’t filed an official police report yet, but it will be very interesting if she does, because cops want to question her about what she saw and heard when Kanye entered the office, and allegedly began hitting him. If Kim was in such fear for her life, why did she call her fiancee and not the cops? She could have — and should have — done that instead of Kanye seeking some sort of vigilante justice.”
Whatever, everyone will see the truth when Pimp Mama Kris gives that little racist a mountain of money to re-enact that scene on a soundstage for the reality show cameras and add the line “I will kill you.” The truth will come out then! And while Kim takes selfies of sorrow, Kanye is showing her he’s there for her by running off to Paris for fashion week. While dressed like an UES widow who lost everything in a Ponzi scheme but refuses to pawn her favorite fur coat, Kanye hit a few fashion shows without Kim. Of course Kanye’s in Paris. If he’s going to go to trial for felony assault (he won’t), then he’s going to need some forward and glamorous ensembles to wear to court. Besides, Kanye’s probably got a few boo boos on his fisting hand and nobody kisses away his boo boos the way Riccardo Tisci does.
Since there was no video of Kanye West going all Million Dollar Baby on that racist 18-year-old who said awful shit to Kim Kardashian at a Beverly Hills chiropractor’s office, I was forced to be creative and imagine what the fight looked like in my head. After my brain hit the snooze button 7 times, it finally rolled out of bed and painted a picture of Kanye busting out his sharpest hood rat moves by handing Kim his daughter and saying “Yo, hold my kid” before bitch-slapping that mouthy motherfucker. Yes, my brain imagined Kanye as Maritza from Orange is the New Black.
But that never happened. According to TMZ, it was actually way more violent and involved little-to-no wig-snatching (is it even considered a fight if a wig doesn’t get snatched?) An eyewitness claims that after Kim identified the kid, Kanye literally took him to downtown pound down 30 times:
The 18-year-old was sitting in a chair as Kanye made a beeline for him and, without saying a word, started slugging him in the face. The kid was covering his face but Kanye was unrelenting. Kim just stood there and silently watched the beating.
Kim stood there silently and watched while Kanye punched someone 30 times? Daaaaamn, Gina; that’s some Goodfellas shit. I knew Kim’s thing was getting a pussy get pounded hard by a black dude, but this is, as Cousin Balki would say, ridiculous.
If you’ve ever punched someone in the face (shout out to all the readers in lock-up!) you know that it feels like your fist is exploding into a million hateful wasps, so even doing it once is an instant regret. But to do it 30 times? 30 punches is marathon-level fisting; who knew Kanye would have the stamina needed to repeatedly pound a dude in the – oh wait, it all makes sense now.
And how did that kid survive 30 blows to the head? Unless Kanye was grabbing his hand and going “stop punching yourself” 30 times, that kid should be, by all accounts, dead, brain dead, or just a body with a mushy pile where his head used to be. Unless he’s some kind of self-healing mutant, like Wolverine; in which case, watch out for Marvel’s newest superhero, the racist loudmouth ‘Captain ‘Murrica’.
(Pic via Wenn)
Kim Kardashian has already met with her lawyer following Kanye West becoming a suspect in a criminal battery investigation following yesterday’s weird ass scuffle in a chiropractor’s office after an 18-year-old threw a bunch of racial slurs at Kim, then patiently waited for Kanye to show up to whomp on his ass. Sources told TMZ the man screamed, “I WILL KILL YOU, SLUT!” and they say she is going to file a police report over the death threat as a counterattack to Kanye’s suspect status.
JUST over the death threat, right? Because if you can go to jail for calling Kim a slut, most of the Dlisted community is fucked (but then again, this could be a great opportunity for a meet up as long as everybody is okay with wearing orange jump suits instead of the Slut Dress and lucite heels).
TMZ also said that given Kanye’s general inability to keep his damn hands to himself and his pending battery charges stemming from an attack on a pap at LAX, he may be F-U-C-K fucked if charges are brought following this investigation. Maybe it’s the mix of meds I took trying to make my stupid face stop hurting from a sinus infection, but this whole thing is so confusing. I don’t get why that kid stuck around to wait for Kanye unless he’s related to this previous Open Post host. I’m also torn between wanting to scream, “use your words, not your hands you idiot motherfucker!” at Kanye and the self loathing that comes with even suggesting he should talk any more than he already fucking has.
A strange, bizarre and extremely unnatural thing might’ve happened in Beverly Hills today. Kanye Kardashian might’ve punched a trick who deserved it. The end of days are coming.
TMZ says that Kim Kardashian was going into a chiropractor’s office in Beverly Hills today when some 18-year-old kid held the door for her while saying, “Fuck these faggot ass niggers.” No, the 18-year-old piece of trash was not reciting a lyric from Kanye West’s song “Don’t Stop.” He was talking about the paparazzi who were taking pictures of Kim. Kim, being the lady she is, told him it was not okay for him to say “nigger” (but it’s totally okay for him to say “faggot“). The kid shot back at Kim with, “Fuck you bitch. Just trying to help you. Shut up nigger lover, stupid slut.”
The little racist kept shit talking and when Kim called Kanye on the phone for help, he shouted, “Fuck you, nigger!” Kanye was on his way when Kim called and a few minutes later he showed up at the chiropractor’s office, found the little racist and punched him. I know, it’s a shocking turn of events when Kim isn’t the one getting pounded by a black guy. The massage therapist in the office separated Kanye and the little racist while Kim screamed, “We have it all on tape!”
The 18-year-old wants to press charges and the cops want to interview Kanye about it. Kanye could face charges.
Are we sure this isn’t really a Chapelle’s Show skit? Damn.
This whole story is an odd mess. So that 18-year-old just sat in the office waiting to get his ass whooped by Kanye? Why was Kim at the chiropractor anyway? She doesn’t have any bones, joints or human organs. Her insides are filled with nothing but silicone, the blood of Lucifer and that clear soil jelly you buy at the swap meet. I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole thing was staged for their shitty reality show and Pimp Mama Kris was later seen handing the kid a stack of hundreds while saying, “Adding ‘faggot’ was a nice touch. Here’s another $200, kid!”
And here’s Kim and Kanye at Mr. Chow last night.
Wordy motherfucker Kanye West can add “comedian” to the long list of skills on his resume alongside rapper, creator, architector, genius, CAPS LOCK aficionado and really the only redeeming quality he has- skillful shade thrower. During his Bitchpleezus show on December 23rd, USWeekly says Kanye spent 27 minutes vowing to give us all a fucking break for the first half of 2014.
”Everything I’m saying that’s not allowed, soak it in right now. This might be the last time y’all hear me talk s–t for a long time,” he told the crowd. “Might be another, like, six months. At least. You’re just gonna have to run back the interviews and s–t if you wanna hear some realness!”
“I’m gonna tell y’all right now: All of the ideas, the things they call rants…save those tapes and everything,” he continued. “Because I’ve decided to completely focus everything in 2014 on all the new ideas, all the creative outlets.“
I’ll keep the tapes, alright. Right next to this middle finger and all the invisible fucks. And ”all the creative outlets” sounds like a firm threat that more enormous finger painted handbags are coming, which is good news for Khloe. Now Kim can put her in a carry on instead of in a kennel in the cargo hold when they travel. You can bet your left nut Kanye has already drafted his letter to PETA demanding Kim and her plasticine jelly face be named their Person of the Year for her kindness to animals. He promised to not talk shit, not to let the delusions of grandeur go.
“So I’m letting y’all know in this last Yeezus show that this is the last time you’ll ever hear me say anything negative about anyone,” he vowed. “Because you only get the energy that you put out into the world.“
Oooh, look who’s finally toeing the Kompany line! Kris Jenner must have taken a break from not letting Bruce become his true sparkly unicorn self and pimping out Thing 1 and Thing 2 to hold up some cue cards in the wings for Kanye to read, now that her dreams of a Kardashian/West empire are going down in flames not even R. Kelly would piss on if he found out they were underaged.
I hope Kris is ready slip a shock collar around Kanye’s neck that will give him a little reminder jolt when he opens his mouth to vomit negativity on the universe and his place in it because he won’t last six days not talking shit, much less six months. “Nike!” Bzzzzz. “Grammys!” Bzzzzz. “Louis Vuitton!” Bzzzz. “They won’t let me great!” Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Now THAT is an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians I would watch. It’s the closest I’ll get to my dream of an All-Taser Channel on TV.
I know, what a hideous, trashy bag. I’m talking about the purse, but that statement works for anybody in this picture (except for you, Sea Green Tank Top Lady. Werk!)
Last night, the Internet had a collective waking night terror when Kim Kardashian Instragramm’d a picture of the hand-painted Birkin bag that Kanye West gave to her for Khristmas. Like klockwork, Pimp Mama Kris’ main ho hit the stroll with Kanye and her dark-sided, unholy bag, and DAMN, it’s HUGE. That bag could double as a carrying case for Kanye’s massive, throbbing ego. Kim could fit her entire turducken ass in that bag. North West is probably living in a corner in that big and it’s still too much square footage for her. That bag might be bigger than Kim’s pussy. It’s that big. And because it’s enormous, that George Condo-painted Kardashian whore orgy scene looks even more terrifying.
I don’t know what’s more horrifying: that bag or the fact that Kim has completely Who-ified her face.