How fitting: a place famous for taking two buns and stuffing them with greasy questionable meat topped with plastic cheese volunteering to cater the wedding of a cheesy plastic-faced woman most famous for stuffing greasy questionable meat in her buns.
Burger King responded to a story released earlier this week by the Daily Star that said Kanye West was planning on buying 10 European Burger King restaurants as a wedding present for the Grade-F meat patty herself, Kim Kardashian; and knowing that it was most likely untrue, and proving that they have a good sense of humour, they released the following statement to NME:
Burger King Corp. is familiar with the recent news stories regarding Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. We are unaware of any purchase of BURGER KING® restaurants made by either Mr. West or Ms. Kardashian, but we’re available to cater the wedding!
If Kim and Kanye were smart, they’d take Burger King up on that offer, because the scent of Whoppers and BK onion rings is the only thing strong enough to mask the stench of their obnoxious shit-show of a wedding. Plus, the promise of Burger King also works as an incentive to get people to actually show up, since there probably won’t be an open bar (Pimp Mama Kris is a cheap penny-pinching pimp). Then again, the lure of Whoppers might not be enough to make people want to risk being trampled to death by Khloe and The Sock One during the bouquet toss.
And they would have had all 4, but Kris Jenner wasn’t able to reschedule her appointment with Satan (it’s tax time and he’s suuuuper busy). So it was just a greasum threesome between frightening lifelike praying mantis Anna Wintour, human basket of kittens Kanye West, and the heavily-sedated slow-roasted turkey leg know as Kim Kardashian. Anna, Kanye, and Kim all went out to celebrate successfully pulling off the world’s most elaborate and rotten April Fool’s prank by going out for dinner and bathing in the blood of a sacrificial ram slaughtered beneath the pits of Hell. I’m just speculating, of course; I didn’t actually see them eating dinner.
Some of you may be looking at Kim and wondering what in the name of The Sock One would posses someone to go out for a fancy dinner in nothing but her underwear and a dining room table runner. It’s just Kim’s way of reminding everyone that just because her kurdled milk ass has graced the cover of a high-class magazine like Vogue, she’s still the same old hooker-looking call girl you know and love. For more information regarding pricing and services, please contact Pimp Mama Kris at 1-800-KIMPIMP.
Here’s more of the Triad of Terror out for dinner last night. I’m having trouble trying to figure out exactly what color Kim’s sausage casing is, because it’s not quite green and it’s not quite brown. Hideous taupe? Is hideous taupe a color? Rotten tuna caught in a net of trash? Hold on, let me get out my 64 box of Crayolas…
Supermodel, proud mega bitch and gold medal-winning BlackBerry-thrower Naomi Campbell was on Australia’s The Morning Show today and since she’s been on the cover of US Vogue before, she was asked for her thoughts on the cover that will soon grace the bottom of thousands of birds cages. If you’re Nan from American Horror Story: Coven and can read minds, you’d probably hear a tornado of fuck words forming in Naomi’s head as she turns on her filter. You can see the words, “Fuck Kanye! Fuck Kim! Fuck Anna! Fuck Vogue!,” form in Naomi’s brain and after they pass through her filter, she says, “I do not want to comment.” And then she let out a blood-freezing, bitchified villainess cackle that’d even make Lucifer’s fluffer Pimp Mama Kris run for cover. Here’s Kylie and Naomi’s little conversation about the “Nail in the Coffin” issue of Vogue.
Kylie: What do you think of Kim and Kanye’s US Vogue cover, given that you have been on the cover yourself countless times?
Naomi: I do not want to comment.
Naomi: Bahahahahahahahhahaaa…. Because I am a fashion model and I’ve been working for 28 years. When you get a Vogue cover, it’s a build in your career, it’s a stepping stone to achieve that. I’m a fashion model, so what more can I say?
Kylie: So you think that Kim and Kanye haven’t earned the right to be on the cover of Vogue?
Naomi: Those are YOUR words. I’m being politically correct. That’s Anna Wintour’s choice to put them on the cover of her magazine. Who’s to question it?
Kylie: Well, I just did.
Naomi’s only response should’ve been this:
Yes, Naomi, snatch the stubble off of Kanye’s bald head with that cackle. Yes, Naomi, yank Kim’s hair until her hairline is on a missing poster next to your hairline. That GIF should really be filed as the official response to that cover.
And in case you didn’t hear it the first time or the second time, Naomi is A. FASHION. MODEL. A. FASHION. MODEL. So she knows!
Vogue is really going full troll for their April Fool’s Month issue with a Hobbit and a Gay Fish on the cover. Just like Ray-J’s boomerang dick over Kim Kardashian’s ass, pictures from the spread have leaked and they’re all made of one hundred percent ridiculousness, but this one of a scared North West and a maniacal Pimp Mama Kris takes it all. A dude with a tattoo sleeve throws a “ha, this is really happening” look as a suffocating Kim tries not to rip that too-small-dress open by breathing and PMK throws a creepy clown whore smile that any child should run from. The “looking for the nearest exit” side-eye that Baby Seaweed is giving tops it all off.
North is scared for her young life, because when you press your ear up to PMK’s face, you hear the sound of Lucifer cackling as his minions chant his name. North is also scared, because the last time she saw PMK holding a baby that close, PMK swallowed the baby whole before screaming about how her dark powers have been rejuvenated. So yeah, North isn’t exactly having a good time.
And seriously, this picture says so much.
Vogue didn’t stop there. The article is also full of foolery. Vogue’s Hamish Bowles did the interview and I’m guessing he strolled in, threw a blank notepad on the floor and said, “Write whatever you want, whores, I can’t with this. I’m going to Fatburger” instead. Because the article is full of delusional dingles like this:
“Anybody need anything?” asks the agelessly glamorous, apricot-skinned Kris, fluttering eyelashes as thick, long, and lustrous as a hummingbird’s wings. “Water? Vodka? Get on my train!” she laughs. “Just kidding!” Kris (who, as Kim notes, “goes by the name of Lovey, not Grandma!”) is an astute businesswoman and an executive producer of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, now in its eighth season. Her home office is stacked with Kardashian product and magazine spreads—there is even a framed copy of her estranged husband Olympic gold medalist Bruce Jenner’s 1979 GQ cover.
Are we sure HAMish didn’t run into Bruce Jenner instead and that’s who he’s describing in that paragraph? If by all of that Hamish means that PMK is “pathetically holding onto her youth,” has skin like Belphegor’s foreskin, eyelashes as thick and spiny as the tarantulas in the afterworld and is a shameless pimp, then he nailed it.
And in almost every picture, North West’s SOS face says it all and then some.
Pics: Vogue/Annie Leibovitz
Anna Wintour took a little time away from editing the May issue of Vogue with Courtney Stodden on the cover (I WISH!!!) to release her editor’s note explaining why she decided to put a soulless, hallowed out, talentless wax mannequin with the personality of popped bubble wrap on the April cover. Anna could’ve just said, “Um, I put Blake NotSoLively on the cover of Vogue TWICE, so putting soulless mannequins on the cover is sort of my thing as of late,” and we’d all be like, okay, okay, you’re right. But instead, the head madam of the Death Eaters spewed out some lukewarm shit about how Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West are currently the sheer definition of influential. Methinks Anna hasn’t been getting her usual supply of virgin’s blood and her brain isn’t operating at its fullest, because I’m pretty sure she’s mixing up “influential” and “influenza.” Here’s a piece of her note:
“Part of the pleasure of editing Vogue, one that lies in a long tradition of this magazine, is being able to feature those who define the culture at any given moment, who stir things up, whose presence in the world shapes the way it looks and influences the way we see it. I think we can all agree on the fact that that role is currently being played by Kim and Kanye to a T. (Or perhaps that should be to a K?)
As for the cover, my opinion is that it is both charming and touching, and it was, I should add, entirely our idea to do it; you may have read that Kanye begged me to put his fiancee on Vogue’s cover. He did nothing of the sort. The gossip might make better reading, but the simple fact of the matter is that it isn’t true.”
Death Eater, please. Here are the 4 reasons why Anna Wintour did it:
1. Every time she’d open her closet to pull out another $3,000 dress to wear, Kanye would pop out and scream, “PUTKIMONVOGUE!” Every time she opened up the door to the basement that’s full of the blood slaves she feeds from, Kanye would pop out and scream, “PUTKIMONVOGUE!” It screwed with her appetite, so she finally gave in.
2. Even though she’s a die-hard Death Eater, putting Kim on the cover gives her bonus points with the Illuminati.
3. Anna is a future-seer and knew that Buffy the Vampire Slayer would hate this. Buffy has killed a few of Anna’s kind, so this is payback.
4. She knows that shit will sell. Pimp Mama Kris will buy at least 200,000 copies to wallpaper the outside of her whore house headquarters with. And every medical professional will use the cover to treat patients with constipation. One look at Kim on the cover of Vogue and BOOM the runs.
Here’s Vogue’s newest
darling dingle going camera shopping while wearing a dress that a Midwestern, pregnant high school senior wore to her prom in 1968. The hell is she doing with her hands? Did someone ask her how wide her vag is or is she trying to make the Illuminati sign. Bitch can’t even make the Illuminati sign right.
And now Anna Wintour has officially officially entered the “fuck it” phase of her reign at Vogue. It really happened. Lazy amateur porn star turned fame whore of all fame whores Kim Kartrashian is on the cover the magazine that Pimp Mama Kris is going to roll up, lube up and fuck herself with until the end of time. I guess Kanye West threatened to release incriminating pictures of Anna Wintour buying fake UGGs from Walmart (or swallowing something other than virgin’s blood), because that’s the only reason I can come up with for this happening. That cover looks like the cover of a catalog from a David’s Bridal franchise in the 9th Circle of HELL. But I do love how Kanye’s hands are keeping a safe distance from Kim’s kooch. Of course, Kim is never going to stop barfing and queefing at the mouth about this and she immediately twatted about it. Newsflash, whore, you haven’t breathed for at least a couple of years since your body has been suffocating in a cocoon of Spanx.
Vogue also shat up a behind-the-scenes video which North West makes a cameo in. This is probably the fourth time (I’m being genius) that North has seen her parents in person. If that isn’t a “Harpo, who deez people?” look, I don’t know what is.
And Posh Beckham was just put on suicide watch.
Kanye Kardashian pleaded “no contest” to getting physical with a pap at LAX last year and yesterday a judge sentenced Riccardo Tisci’s boo to two years probation, 24 anger management classes and 250 hours of community service. In doing so, the judge also punished the community and the poor angry whores who have to sit with Kanye in anger management class.
The Los Angeles Times says that Kanye, who was not in court, was also ordered to stay away from the pap, Bobby Ramos, and he’ll have to pay restitution to the pap he smeared. A judge will determine a dollar amount at another hearing. Bobby Ramos’ spotlight-chasing lawyer Gloria Allred held one of her signature press conferences afterward and told reporters that they are not happy with the sentence and they will be going after the bars of diamond-encrusted platinum that Kanye keeps in his custom-made dolphin leather Givenchy man puss (on purpose typo):
Attorney Gloria Allred on Monday said the two years of probation Kanye West was sentenced to for assaulting her paprazzo client at Los Angeles International Airport last summer was “not sufficient” and that she is still “vigorously” litigating a civil lawsuit against the rapper.
Photographer Bobby Ramos said he was still suffering physically and emotionally from the caught-on-video altercation in which he was forced to the ground in a headlock by West.
What would really be shocking is if Gloria Allred and that pap joined forces and didn’t try to sue the Cartier diamond anal ring off of Kanye. When Gloria AllGreen and a pap get together, the nipples of the money hungry Gods get moist like they’ve never gotten moist before. But I’m sure that Bobby Ramos has somewhat of a case since he can’t even walk past the fish section of a grocery store without having a panic attack and crying himself into a puddle on the floor, because it brings back the terrifying memories of being trapped in a Gay Fish’s fin for 5 seconds.
You know what would really be a disservice to the community? If there isn’t a live-feed of Kween Kanye doing community service. The community deserves to see Kanye sissy that walk as he stomps into community service Naomi-style in a $12,000 panther hide caftan and cashmere balloon pants. And the community really deserves to see Kanye dramatically screech and scream when a used condom gets on his gold Versace crocodile sneakers while he’s picking up garbage on the side of the highway with a custom-made Chanel trash picker. The community deserves that at least!
And here’s Kim Kartrashian looking like a generic brand jumbo maxi-pad with wings while going to Dash in West Hollywood yesterday.
Riccardo Tisci, Givenchy’s creative director and the genius fashion troll responsible for doing Kim Kartrashian up like a Laura Ashley sausage casing, spilled out a caca river of ridiculousness that is so delusional that if any of us said it our family members would drop a giant net over our bodies and drag us off to a padded room somewhere. A few months ago, Kanye Kardashian (née West) went Defcon level 1 when he declared his plastic Just My Size dress-up doll as the Marilyn Monroe of our time. Well, there’s an echo in Fame Whore Valley, because the trick who shares a Best Friends Forever necklace with Kanye said the same thing to The Sunday Times (via E! Online). While his tongue was pressed firmly up against Kanye’s freshly waxed asshole, Riccardo Tisci managed to say this:
“I met her as the girlfriend of a good friend. I just wanted a moment with her to understand—and I fell in love. She’s the Monroe of our age. People think she’s like a doll, but actually she’s tough and clever.
It’s not so much the beauty of people, but the talent, the roots and the intelligence that concern me. I love people who are not scared to fight for their own rights and have their own point of view. The world is big: the music world is big, the art world is big and the fashion world is big, but I think you can recognize a tribe in the similarity of people.”
If Riccardo Tisci’s friends and family truly cared about him, they’ll tell him that is not something you say out loud in public. If you have to say it, it’s only something you say into Kanye’s ear while spooning on a gold-beaded mink bedspread below a mirrored ceiling. Riccardo must be suffering from stage 10 dickmatization and the only cure is to immediately stop and callate la boca.
And a Botox-filled melting wax mannequin that wears whatever fugness her fiancé tells her to wear is definitely a ho I’d describe as not being afraid to “fight for her own rights.”
Here’s Kim looking like a curdled cream puff while walking from Kanye’s apartment to the car in NYC yesterday.
Nervous giggling is pretty much what came out of the chapped whine hole on Kanye West’s face when Charlamagne Tha God spit truth bomb after truth bomb at him during an interview The Breakfast Club a few months ago. Charlamagne stamped the word “HYPOCRITE” on Kanye’s forehead and told him that the video for “Bound 2” was like wet shit splattered on a green screen. Kanye didn’t even look at Charlamagne and when he wasn’t giggling nervously, he kind of spoke calmly for once and didn’t shout out a rant. Kanye did what forest rangers tell you to do when you come across a rabid Khloe Kardashian in the wild. You don’t make eye contact and you don’t make any sudden moves. But I guess Charlamagne wasn’t at Kuntye’s show in University Park, PA last night. Because Kanye suddenly had something to say and screamed so loud that he burnt the tips of Kendall Jenner’s nips in NYC.
While dressed like the member of the most annoying cult ever (or like a chorus member in a low-budget community theater production of Jesus Christ Superstar), Riccardo Tisci’s special Valentine punched the pause button on his performance of “Touch The Sky” to bust out another toddler tantrum that Justin Bieber’s au pair usually hears when she forgets to pour the codeine in his SpongeBob sippy cup full of Fanta.
Today is not the day, so I’m not going to transcribe all the shit nuggets of rage that shot out of Kanye’s mouth, but here’s a few quotes. I did them ALL-CAPS-style, because it’s the only way.
IF I GO TO A RADIO INTERVIEW SHUT THE FUCK UP!
IF YOU’RE ON YOUR TALK SHOW AT NIGHTTIME SHOWING A PICTURE OF ME WALKING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
WE THINKING ABOUT SHAKESPEARE! WE THINKING ABOUT BEY-TOE-VEN!
2013! SPOOFING AND TRYING TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT WHAT WE DO! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THE PAST 10 YEARS OF YOUR PAST MOTHERFUCKING LIFE? CHARLAMAGNE! SWAY! THE FUCK YOU DID?
I AM YEEEEEEEZUS!
When the crowd starting chanting “Yeezus” (which still sounds like a cutesy named you’d give your yeast infection), it was like watching a sermon at a fucked up cult. Pass me the donation basket, because I’d like to drop a clue and a tranquilizer disguised as a Skittle in there. But I guess all those people got what they paid for. When you go to a Kanye show, you expect to see him dressed like a citizen of Tatooine and you really expect him to split your last nerve with his screaming.
I bet every poor dog wearing a shock collar within a ten mile radius of that show hates Kanye a little something extra today, because when he started screaming like an extra mad Cartman, they got zapped to hell and back.
The little racist who got a face full of gay fish fist for spitting racial slurs into Kim Kardashian’s ear at her chiropractor’s office now has $250,000 more in his checking account. TMZ says that Kanye West pulled a stack of hundred dollar bills out of his butt cleavage and threw $250,000 at the bitch he punched to not press charges and to go away. Yes, that 18-year-old kid got that much money and all he had to do was get fisted by Kanye. (“Where’s my $250,000?!” – Riccardo Tisci) Pimp Mama Kris now knows that if she ever needs some quick Botox money, all she has to do is get one of her low-level whores (see: Rob) to spit a racial slur at Kim before getting punched by Kanye and she’ll have an instant $250,000!
A source (Pimp Mama Kris should just legally change her name to A Source and get it over with) tells TMZ that the little racist wanted high-six figures and after a little back and forth both sides agreed on a quarter of a million dollars. Kanye’s farts are worth more than that and I’m not making that up. Kanye shoves gold pills up his asshole so his farts are solid gold. The kid took the money and because he refuses to work with the D.A. now, Kanye won’t face battery charges. The case is closed.
So to recap: Some racist kid said a bunch of racist shit to Kim’s face while opening up the door to her chiropractor’s office and then Kanye showed up and beat his ass up. To make it all go away, Kanye is paying that racist kid off. And none of that was caught on camera. Kourtney has pushed out a kid on camera and Pimp Mama Kris got a new face installed on her head on camera, and yet that didn’t happen on camera. That might be the first time in history when a piece of Kim’s life wasn’t caught on camera. I’m not saying it was a publicity stunt (okay, I sort of am), but if it was, then it wasn’t one of PMK’s best. She has got to stunt harder.