Some people are just naturally remorseful. They carry this sense of personal accountability, constantly apologizing for some behavior or comment. It’s safe to say Kanye West—or Yeezus if you’re sacrilegious—isn’t one of those people. And nothing screams, “I need a prayer circle as soon as possible” like bringing a toddler into an already bizarre feud that may or may not be fueled by your unwavering lust for your ex and her fingers.
A few days ago Yeezus claimed in a Twitter fight that he “owns” Amber Rose’s 2-year-old son with Wiz Khalifa and that neither “wouldn’t have a child if it wasn’t for me.” Yeah, it was pretty awful but not awful enough to garner an apology out of Yeezus. Beyonce’s most dedicated super fan went on Twitter and pretty much told Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose, “I’m sorry” without ever mentioning the words “I’m sorry.”
God’s dream… Never speak on kids again… all love … all blessings…
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) January 30, 2016
Call it the tweet representation of the Kanye shrug.
You know who else is unapologetic? The scallywag that is Amber Rose who started her Friday night by celebrating her total annihilation of Yeezus by wearing a curve-hugging black-and-white mini dress to Lure nightclub. Yeah, her shoe game was on point, but I’m more concerned about Amber trying to make sunglasses in the club happen in 2016.
She does know she’s not T-Pain, right?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with some finger in the ass fun and any dude, straight, gay, fluid and in between can get into the joys of getting their wrinkled donut hole worked over. But Kanye West wants everyone to think that his face doesn’t light up and his asshole doesn’t twitch when he’s at a baseball game and sees one of those giant foam fingers. Amber Rose definitely hit a sore spot and not in the way Kanye likes.
Amber Rose called Kanye a #FingersInTheBootyAssBitch and said that his hungry, hungry b-hole likes to suck on fingers when he brought her and her son into his Twitter fight with Wiz Khalifa. Kanye stripper-shamed Amber and Amber fingerbuttfuck-shamed Kanye, basically. Out of all the shit that was thrown in that Twitter fight, Kanye decided to bring up Amber saying that his idea of heaven is a finger breaking his prostate the same way he broke his MacBook Air. Kanye basically butt burped up a “NO HOMO” with this tweet:
Exes can be mad but just know I never let them play with my ass… I don’t do that… I stay away from that area all together
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) January 29, 2016
If the brown eye could throw a side-eye, Kanye’s would’ve done that after he tweeted that tweet. Kanye also tweeted this out and I have no idea what he’s trying to say. Maybe all that asshole play talk got him excited and it twisted up his brains:
I’m not into that kind of shit… I like pictures and videos Me and my wife got the kind of love that can turn exes into best friends
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) January 29, 2016
And with that, Kanye pretty much confirmed that his booty hole’s favorite song is Ten Little Fingers. Dumbass should’ve just kept quiet, but he just had to let us all know that he’s full masc and in doing so, he played right into Amber Rose’s hands. And again, not in the sexy way he likes.
Since Amber Rose shut down Kanye West’s hilarious Waves-induced meltdown by telling everyone his b-hole gets hungry for finger boning action, a lot of shit has happened. Wiz Khalifa shouted “fuck Kanye” at a show in Argentina, porn star Lisa Ann threatened to put out dick pics Kanye supposedly sent her a while back and Time released an op-ed piece that Amber Rose wrote about how she’s been slut-shamed so much in her life that she doesn’t even care what people think anymore. And in an interview with the podcast Allegedly that airs in full tomorrow, Amber got into the shit that Kanye said about her during his tweet fight with the father of her son. In case you forgot, here’s a few of the stones that broke every wall in Kanye’s glass house full of fame whores:
“You let a stripper trap you.”
“I know you mad every time you look at your child that this girl got you for 18 years.”
“You wouldn’t have a child if it wasn’t for me.”
TMZ posted a preview of her interview on Allegedly and in it, she said that she would’ve kept her tweets to herself if Kanye didn’t drag her son into it. But as soon as he went there, she let everybody smell her finger.
“I would never talk about kids in an argument. It just shows the type of person he is. Even him saying stuff about my son, I still didn’t say anything about his kids. I’m not going to. This is ridiculous. They’re innocent babies. You don’t ever, ever talk about a baby, ever. That just shows how fucking ridiculous he is.”
Amber also said that she’s not at all surprised that Kanye pissed on her (“Baby, why don’t you ever do that to me?!” – Kim) like that, because that’s what he does:
“Um, no. Because I know him. I know he’s a fucking clown. The crazy thing is he came out with a song last week saying that I had my son for a meal ticket. I didn’t even say anything. I was just like, man, he’s a cornball. I’m not saying shit. Then he’s on the Internet like, ‘A stripper trapped you, Wiz.’ But like you took me around the world. We dated for like 2 years. But you’re talking shit about Wiz and my baby? He still talks about me in songs. He still talks about me all day.”
If you read that as, “I know he fucks clowns,” that works too. And really, there’s an easy explanation for why Kanye is obsessed with Amber. Amber’s prostate massage game must be so next level that it drives dudes crazy, or in Kanye’s case, drives crazy douches even crazier. So Kanye is always talking about her because he’s fingermatized. That’s it.
When God’s god Kanye West announced that he has changed the title of his new album from Swish to Waves, many didn’t like it because “swish” is the sound that a toilet makes when it flushes and that seemed more fitting. Wiz Khalifa also wasn’t happy about Kanye naming his album Waves, because according to the tattooed scarecrow, the words “wave” and “wavy” belong to rapper Max B. I guess you could say that Waves caused waves. I know, I know….
Kanye tweeted “all respect” to Max B when he announced his new album title, but Wiz still wasn’t into it. Wiz told Kanye that he needs to go back to Swish and “hit this KK and become yourself.” Wiz wasn’t talking about Kim Kartrashian when he typed KK, he was talking about his own strain of weed called Khalifa Kush. That tweet still set Kanye off and he went after a trick.
Kanye handed his black unicorn pelt Givenchy fanny pack to North West, pulled off his $2000 army bomber jacket (you know, the one you can get for $35 at the army surplus store) and asked Riccardo Tisci to hand him a bottle of lube before he greased up his face and stepped into the ring. Kanye’s MacBook Air (or whatever he’s using now) is probably lying on a table in the morgue section of the Genius Bar, because he pounded the shit out of it while throwing poetic tweets at Wiz. Many of Kanye’s tweets (which he deleted) are after the cut. Warning: You will overdose on Vitamin D (for delusion) while reading them:
In news that’ll probably make God’s administrative offices file a copyright infringement lawsuit against Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West, the two throbbing ego-filled pimples confirmed today that giving their kid a name that will get them as much attention as possible is more important than giving their kid a name that won’t make him cringe.
There was a rumor that Kim and Kanye were going to name their brand new son “Robert” after her dad, but ho please. The day they give their kid a normal, boring name like “Robert West” is the day that Pimp Mama Kris stops re-energizing her evil by feeding on the blood of her victims. We all figured they’d bring the foolery with their baby’s name, but I was hoping they’d go with something like “Go West” or “Wild Wild West” or the more honest “Why Me West.” But they decided to name him Saint West, which sounds like the name of the third most busiest hospital in the Seattle area. It sounds like the name of a hospital that Shonda Rhimes would write a show about.
Kim burped up the announcement with emojis, of kourse, on her site today:
Well, if you were a newborn baby and found out your parents are Kanye and Kim, your first words would probably be, “SANTO DIOS,” so I guess that name is pretty fitting. But what’s even more dreadful is that the name Saint West isn’t even original. Pete Wentz named his son Saint Laszlo Wentz last year. So Kanye basically copied a member of Fall Out Boy.
Believe it or not, but naming one of their own Saint West isn’t the most ridiculous thing the Kartrashians have done today. That achievement goes to St. West’s pimp lovey who made crucifixes turn upside down and genitals shrivel up and die with this dark-sided video of her swimming in a pool of Caitlyn Jenner and Lamar Odom’s tears for Love Magazine’s advent calendar. This is the real war on Christmas.
And I’m sure that before I even finish typing this sentence, a team of plastic surgeons will have already nipped, tucked, sucked, rotated, and filled Kim Kardashian back to her original pre-pregnancy rubber glory.
After being knocked up for what felt like six weeks (none of which could hold a candle to her museum-worthy first pregnancy), professional drowsy-faced reality TV star Kim Kardashian and her current husband Kanye West announced earlier today on her website that she’s finally given birth to her second kid, a baby boy. Somewhere in the Kardashian Khompound (let’s be honest – the nanny’s quarters), North West just let out a giant sigh of relief after realizing she no longer had to go to Pimp Mama Kris’ weekly 4-hour fame whore workshops by herself.
Kim and Kanye haven’t released anything else about their baby’s birth – like if he came out, took one look at who his parents are, and tried to crawl back in. But really, it’s the Kardashians, so it’s only a matter of time. A kamera krew was probably there to record the whole thing (Kris Jenner probably hired the original crew from Kim’s sex tape, since they already had experience with lighting her crotch) and Kim’s intern Kylie has no doubt already started Photoshopping all the wrinkles and womb goo off baby’s face for his first Instagram selfie (“I woke up like this #nomakeup #natural #kuwtk #fittea“).
Obviously, the only thing that matters is what kind of messy name nonsense Kanye wrote on the birth certificate. You’re right, it’s definitely SON OF GOD, in all-caps.
It goes without saying, but yeah, Rebel Wilson makes a better Victoria’s Secret model than Kendall Jenner.
Rebel Wilson was a guest on the Australian radio show, Kyle & Jackie O, not long ago and she told them about the time she said “HELL NO” to presenting an award with Kendull and Kylie Jenner at the MTV VMAs. Rebel said that the Kartrashians stand for everything she is against and they didn’t work for their fame. As far as I know, Rebel’s comments didn’t get any backlash at all. Everyone pretty much slow clapped for her. Well, everyone but Oprah’s Kartrashian-loving ass slow clapped for her. But according to Rebel, deep down in Pimp Mama Kris’ lair of evil, a publicist is carrying out a diabolical plan to smear her!!
And just like that, Tim Gunn received an invoice from Kardashian family pimp Kris Jenner with a copy of that headline and a note saying: “Just letting you know that sort of thing costs extra.”
If you woke up this morning with a little extra pep in your step, you can thank the no-fucks-giving angel of truth Tim Gunn. Once again, Tim opened his heart and released a million warm feelings during a recent interview with the Huffington Post while talking about America’s First Family of Frozen-Faced Tackiness. It all started when Tim was asked his thoughts on Kanye West’s latest collection of crappy clothing. Somewhere in Hell, Satan is already sweating the angry conference call he’s about to get from Pimp Mama Kris and her kurrent favorite son-in-law.
If you own goats and live in the Calabasas area, throw a rosary around their necks and keep them inside, because Pimp Mama Kris is going to send Khlozilla out to catch a few of them since she’ll need their blood to cast a black magic kurse on Rebel Wilson for shitting on her koven of hos.
And everyone gets an F! That’s not how you dress up as a pregnant Kim Kartrashian. What you have to do is buy 5 of the biggest plastic beach balls you can find, fill them with gallons upon gallons of soil jelly and strap 2 to your chest, 2 to your ass cheeks and 1 to your belly. Once you’ve done that, put on 6 pairs of Spanx and wrap your body in several layers of Saran Wrap before you get 4 of your strongest friends and a truck with a trailer hitch to squeeze you into a size 2 Spandex dress in either black or beige. If you’re able to breathe through your mouth while wearing that dress, it’s not tight enough. So get your friends to cut you out of it and put you in a smaller one. You will know if the dress is the right size if it’s so tight that you have to breathe out of your asshole. After you achieve that, slap a rubber trout mask over your face and get someone to spray you down with orange paint. There you go! Knocked Up Kim!