Last month, Tom Cruise compared his job to that of a soldier’s and got enough “fuck yous” to be able to have his custom lifts manufactured from them until Xenu returns. Skype Daddy Cruise must have taken a moment out of his very special relationship with Suri to reach out to Kanye West, because Radar says Bitchpleezus opened up his favorite hole and farted out his own version of the analogy.
“When I think about when I’m on the ‘Can’t Tell Me Nothing,’ and ‘Coldest Winter’ moment, like that mountain goes really, really high. And if I slipped… You never know. And I think about it. I think about my family and I’m like, wow, this is like being a police officer or something, or like a war or something. Like you’re literally going out to do your job every day you know, knowing something can happen to you… verbally from the press bashing you… you know, people not liking you anymore… you could actually slip on that stage.”
ACCURATE!!! Fighting in a war or spending your days on the streets chasing down crackheads is EXACTLY the same as the potential of a little whoopsiedoodle on stage! Inform the military that the Purple Heart is no longer for combat bravery- Kanye’s willingness to put himself on the line every day knowing he he could twist an ankle and leave Kimmy alone for an extra hour of selfie-taking while he runs to urgent care is the stuff heroes are made of.
I salute you, Mr. West and offer you this collaboratively architected medal of honor:
Here is a snippet of the interview where Kanye mentions war and goes on to say how he hopes his daughter will someday understand the hardships he and Kim have gone through. Bitch had better share his award with Kris Jenner because she built Kim from the toilet bowl up and it’s hard out there for a PMK! If you want to hear the entire interview, here is is, courtesy of SaturdayNightOnline.
If you want to piss off Kim Kardashian (OFF, not on- nobody called your number, Ray J.), tell her she’s a shitty parent.
Yesterday, Kim tweeted, “We took our baby girl swimming today for the 1st time, she loved it so much! #BestDayEver” and a commenter called her ass out according to Ok!, saying it must be nice for NorthSouthEastWestUTurn to finally spend some time with her parents. I guess KK’s typing fingers aren’t as overblown as her fish lips, because she unleashed all the fury you’d find pent up in a 14 year old girl and tweeted this in response:
Ah, behold the ignorant hater defense! Anybody looking for solid parenting tips definitely needs to tune into the Twitter account of someone who is with their baby “247″, yet jet sets to Paris when said baby is 3 months old and goes to every show where their fiancé is ranting on stage wearing clothes that would make a blind man cry and masks I’m pretty sure were made during my five year old’s craft time at school. I know my idea of a good time when my kids were infants was to take slut dress selfies in public bathrooms while my husband stood behind me looking like he’d rather be blowing a hobo in Macy’s window than be in the same room, so I’m glad that Kim and I finally have something in common.
At 5 months, North is most likely already rolling her eyes at her mom’s Instagram captions of shit like “Foreva eva” and is waiting for the day she can aim herself for the pool filter and be shot out the other side into the arms of parents who aren’t so far up their own asses.
I’ve been laughing at this picture of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West for a long fucking time and still can’t decide what my favorite part is. The finely architected public bathroom with the utopian automatic paper towel dispenser? The slits in that dress one can only imagine makes her hips look like mashed potatoes being squeezed through a baby’s fist when she sits down? The look on Kanye’s face, which I’m choosing to believe is a silent plead to that majestic eagle on his shirt to come to life and carry him away from anything Kardashian?
You know your shtick is played out when Kanye of all people is standing behind your Cream of What ass (that was supposed to be “wheat” but whatever), looking like he’d rather be sitting in the middle of a Skechers outlet seconds store surrounded by bargain shoppers and design mediocrity than be near you.
While Kanye performed in Miami, Kim hung out with my lesbi-honest girl crush, Gabrielle Union, some basketball wives and living Picasso Jonathan Cheban, who put his PR background to good use trying to convince anybody with a pair of eyes that whatever the hell this plate of crap is that KK cooked for Thanksgiving was edible.
If this was a game of charades, I’d guess that Kanye Kardashian is a dimming sparkle in the middle of a doody bubble (aka Kanye in Kanye’s word). Or maybe he’s the lone, trapped, scared and dying brain cell in Kim’s empty Spanx-covered brain? Or maybe he’s a douche-filled cream puff. I can play this game all through Skanksgiving.
Kanye and Kim Kartrashian gave an interview via satellite from their own asses to Hot 97 (via UsWeekly) yesterday and it was your regular old Kanye interview and by that I mean ridiculous shit spilled out of his mouth hole. Kanye called Kim the most beautiful woman in human existence (it’s not known if he’s talking about Kim with her original face, her second face or her third face) and he compared their love to Romeo & Juliet’s love. (Did Kanye just spoil the ending to his and Kim’s “love story”?) Kanye squirted out this laughing fluid about his trophy:
“Okay, ladies and gentlemen. All barber shops, fashion designers, architects, corner stores, Wall Street, all over the world: Y’all acting like this ain’t the most beautiful woman of all time! I’m talkin’, like, arguably of human existence — the top 10 of human existence. I don’t give a fuck what type of jacket she’s got on!
Our love story’s a love story for the ages. I felt like when we first got together, it was like a Romeo and Juliet kind of thing, where it’s like, she’s a reality star and I’m a rapper, and people talk about how our brands connect and what doesn’t fit. And I’m just so tired of the conversation of brands.”
Immanot let you finish, but Shauna Sand is the most beautiful woman of all time!
The ridiculous shit nuggets of verbal fuckery that come out of Kanye’s mouth really don’t have an affect on me anymore. He’s like that spoiled, delusional brat ass 6-year-old whose parents never told him to shut up and who hasn’t yet learned the adult art of keeping your crazy thoughts to yourself sometimes. You just want to smirk and hand him a juice box along with a mayonnaise sandwich.
And in a different interview, Kanye pretty much called the Kardashians the Rosa Parks of interracial relationships:
“A lot of what the Kardshians do, I don’t think they get enough credit for what they do. They prep America to accept interracial relationships. I’m not talking about me, I can hope on a plane. I can date a white woman, I can date a black woman, and no matter what they say in the barber shop don’t matter, because I don’t get my haircut there. For the people that do, though, there’s a white woman that’s getting talked down to by her friends because she’s dating a black guy. Now you’ve got a point of reference, that you can say, ‘Well, actually this couple right here, that’s dope.’”
I know Kanye West has always said some shit that doesn’t really make sense, but ever since he got some of that Kardashidrug in him, he’s really dove down into new levels of delusional. Pimp Mama Kris somehow found a way to inject even more delusion into his head. I think this means that PMK is the true supreme and that’s not a good thing. Call Fiona Goode! Call Marie Laveau!
And here’s Kanye wearing a coat made from Kim’s waxed-off anus fur while going shopping with her in NYC last night.
Kanye West (pictured here looking like he’s having a tough time evicting a difficult doodie) and Bret Easton Ellis recently recorded a podcast in which they engaged in an hour-long conversation/circle-jerk about film, fashion, and creativity, and it’s just as insanely delusional as you would imagine a podcast starring Kanye West could be. Complex has transcribed a few of the better parts, including this truly WTF comment on slavery (those prone to SMDH Syndrome should be advised that the following passage is very long and could seriously aggravate their condition):
“I felt like the main character [in Twelve Years a Slave]. And what I’m dealing with even as a mega-popular rich celebrity, you know, ‘Fuck you, who do you think you are to complain about anything?’ situation that I’m in. In the past when I’ve dealt with attempting to create in other fields, or attempting to create in clothing. I’ve kind of been on this campaign that started with, ironically, my song, ‘New Slaves.’ Where I was sitting in Paris and dealing with all of these companies that I had promoted, and I saw my friends promote it. And the reason, literally, why they would sell on Barneys’ floors is because me and Jay Z and everyone wore it. It’d be something that maybe I kind of discovered four years before then me and Don C started putting it on-trend.
Then you start doing more research and say, ‘Hey, I want to be a part of the creative conversation and be able to make money off of that also.’ They stop you right there and say, ‘You can’t be a part of that conversation,’ or they’ll give you a one-off. At Louis Vuitton I did one shoe. At Nike I did two shoes but they spread them apart over four years and they had the most impact possible. I kind of saw that side of what it was, as a creative, to be free, the parallel to the main character in Twelve Years a Slave. When it was taken away from me, it felt like what it felt like as a creative to be enslaved.”
Since it’s impossible for you to see my reaction, I’ll use the gif which most accurately represents my feelings. Take it away, Donna Meagle!
WHAT. THE. FUCK, YOU GUYS?!? Is Kanye West out of his goddamned mind?!? I literally have no words. He just compared designing a single shoe for Louis Vuitton with American Slavery. Do we have to wait till he puts on a ratty wig before we realize he’s fucking insane? It doesn’t really end there, though. Kanye also pulled the bug up his butt and flicked it at Zappos:
“I got into this giant argument with the head of Zappos, that he’s trying to tell me what I needed to focus on. Meanwhile he sells all this shit product to everybody, and his whole thing is based off of selling shit product.”
Zappos, proving they’re deserving of all your high-fives today, responded to Kanye’s slam with this picture on Facebook:
The only thing that would have made this picture 100% accurate is if there was a bottle of Kim Kardashian’s perfume floating in the bowl (on sale now at Zappos!)
I hate Kanye West a little more today, because when I woke up this morning and saw a headline for something called “Bound 2,” the nipples on my soul got hard thinking that Hollywood was finally doing something right by making a long-awaited and highly-anticipated sequel to this lesbian erotic thriller masterpiece extravaganza:
But no, I’m not going to get fresh scenes of a butch Gina Gershon scissoring with a glamorous chola Betty Boop played by Jennifer Tilly. “Bound 2″ is the name of the song that Kanye just shat out a video for. This is not the Bound 2 that anybody wanted. Instead of getting shots of Gina Rob Ford’ing Jennifer Tilly, we get Kanye boning a naked and lifeless Kim on a motorcycle in front a bunch of moving landscape paintings bought at the swap meet.
Kanye Kardashian debuted his video for “Bound 2” on Ellen and I don’t know whether to tell you that it’s best if you watch it with your eyes closed or with the mute button on, so I’ll just tell you to watch with your eyes closed and with the mute button on.
That video is the opposite of an inspiration poster. At the dentist office in the ninth circle of hell, that video is on the ceiling instead of a Where’s Waldo? poster. These two dildos have the on-screen chemistry of Backdoor Farrah’s gaping b-hole and James Deens’ soft dick. They make Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley look like two horny rabbits who actually love fucking each other.
I kept waiting for Ellen to jump out of that Sears Portrait Studio background and declare that this is just a prank, but that didn’t happen. Kanye West is serious with this shit and Kanye West is delusional enough to be serious with this shit. I just wish that Ellen’s cameras showed reaction shots from her audience, because the Internet definitely needs more GIFs of middle-aged women making “…the fuck is this life?” faces.
I can’t even lie, I studied this photo Kim Kardashian posted on Instagram of Kanye West speaking at the Harvard School of Design for a sleeping James Franco because it is far more plausible that James could be found in the corner of that stairwell passed out like a stoner version of Where’s Waldo while Kanye talks than the fact that a group is actually listening to him. According to USWeekly, Kanye was at Harvard as part of the “DONDA Design Lecture” series.
“I just wanted to tell you guys: I really do believe that the world can be saved through design, and everything needs to actually be ‘architected.’” he said. “And this is the reason why even some of the first DONDA employees were architects that started designing T-shirts instead of buildings. But just to see the work actually be actualized,”
“If I sit down and talk to Oprah for two hours, the conversation is about realization, self realization, and actually seeing your creativity happen in front of you,” he reasoned. “So the reason why I turn up so much in interviews is because I’ve tasted what it means to create and be able to impact, and affect in a positive way.”
“I believe that utopia is actually possible,” West said before complaining, “But we’re led by the least noble, the least dignified, the least tasteful, the dumbest, and the most political. So in no way am I a politician–I’m usually at my best politically incorrect and very direct. I really appreciate you guys’ willingness to learn and hone your craft, and not be lazy about creation.
I’m sure it took a lot of effort and creative genius to pool together the design resources necessary to architect the fuck out of a $120 plain white tee shirt. There’s also no chance in hell of anything good coming of Kanye and Oprah talking to each other for two hours. Most of us would make it about 26 seconds in that room before the only thing in front of us would be our own two feet as we go at either one of them with a kangaroo kick to the face.
The best part was Kanye saying that only the dumbest, tasteless and undignified of fucks are running the world, and it’s hard to disagree after watching his onstage rant in Boston last night. If you’re not inclined to waste over 6 minutes of your life listening to Deep Thoughts With Yeezus: Autotuned and Angry, the highlights include him saying shit and fuck over and over again while asking the audience what one has to do to prove creativity, all while wearing a mask that may be the internet troll face.
Who doesn’t love a motivational speech that starts with, “They get they panties in such a bunch”?
“Whoopsies, I got divorced” is my ringtone, my Visa security question, and my potential neck tattoo (one day I might join a gang, you never know), so it goes without saying that I was pretty happy to see Saturday Night Live spoof Kim Kardashian and Kanye West last night. Was Waking Up with Kimye written by Stefon? Because it has everything: dat voice, Bobby Moynihan as The Fat Sock One (aka Rob), Lady Gaga doing her best Louis Tully, Kanye West reappropriating dumb shit like macaroni necklaces. The only thing missing was Kim holding baby NorthernExposure (so…just like in real life? BURN).
My favourite line is probably: “Kim is wearing a Givenchy piece that she initially didn’t want to wear, so I had to put her in it while she was asleep” (never before has one sentence so accurately summed up an entire relationship, amirite?) It’s a decent sketch, but it’s far from perfect (perfection is Kristen Wiig as Kris Jenner, THE END). What I’m saying is, I have notes:
1. Nasim Pedrad’s Kim is decent, but there’ still too much life to the face. I guess if I were an acting coach, I’d tell her to pretend all the muscles in her face were frozen; almost as if it was pumped hard full of fillers and botox. It should be a struggle to even blink.
2. Whomever is doing makeup, you went waaay too light on the contouring. Kim’s face should look like it’s been carved out of a brick of cheddar cheese.
3. Kim would never get that excited about the macaroni necklace; homegirl’s reaction time is similar to that of someone who accidentally took 6 tabs of Ambien.
4. Kris Jenner would NEVER be off-camera for as long as she was; she should have been perched on the back of the couch behind Kim.
5. Finally, Kanye would never get a computer fixed. Kanye and Kim order MacBooks by the case and open a new one every morning. At night, they throw them into the fireplace and cozy up under a $90,000 blanket to watch them burn. Then they burn the blanket. Then they burn the house down and build a new house. Then they call E! to come film it all.
Just when I’m starting to think that there’s no way that Kanye West can’t troll harder and has re-defined the definition of sofuckingdelusion for the last time, he spits out this ass nugget of delusion on On Air with Ryan Seacrest:
“There’s no way Kim Kardashian shouldn’t be on the cover of Vogue. She’s like the most intriguing woman right now. She’s got Barbara Walters calling her like everyday. And collectively, we’re the most influential with clothing. No one is looking at what [Barack Obama] is wearing. Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a [bikini] pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.”
Somebody back up one million dump trucks full of MichelleObamaSideEyes.GIFs in front of Kanye and drop them all on his ass. I’d say that Pimp Mama Kris probably opened up Kanye’s asshole, crawled up in there, took over his body and said that insane mess of words to Ryan Seacrest, but Kanye is messy enough to say that shit. I’m pretty sure that what he said is the only thing needed for a psychiatrist to diagnose him as a new kind of crazy and qualifies him for a lifetime 5150 hold. That’s on page 1 of the Obamacare handbook, I think.
Unless you’ve been living in a van down by the river for the past 6 years, you already know that Kanye West is a massive control freak, so this story should come as no surprise to you. At Kim Kardashian’s birthday party last night at Tao in Las Vegas, People reports that when asked about her upcoming nuptials, Kim says “they haven’t had a moment to talk about it” (since the Kanye West Privacy-Soaked Diamond Ring Spectacular only happened a couple of days ago and Kim’s been re-applying bronzer and highlighter to her ring finger ever since) but knows that when it comes to wedding planning, it’s “whatever he wants”.
Ruh-roh, I’ve seen this a million times before on Bridezillas. Kanye’s been dreaming of this day since he was a little girl, and if the cake isn’t the perfect shade of Tiffany blue, he’ll throw a major tantrum. But really, ‘Total Kontrol Kanye’ is old hat for Kim; held immediately after Kanye’s concert at the MGM Grand, Kim entered her birthday party to a DJ playing Kanye songs and Kanye wearing the loudest jacket in the room (“IT’S ALL ABOUT ME” – Kanye’s favourite coffee mug).
All jokes aside (and I don’t mean to get too Intro to Women’s Studies 101 on you) but Kanye feels a little too controlling, right? I get the feeling that he sees Kim as a willing female robot to act out his Rom-com come-to-life fantasies with him. Meanwhile, Kim is giving off such strong I-give-up-bring-on-the-Stockholm-syndrome vibes, I feel like SEAL Team 6 should be sent in to rescue her (don’t give her back to Pimp Mama Kris, it’s just as bad there!).
Here’s Kim, Khloé Odom (is she still going by that? Let me check with PMK and get back to you), Kourtney Kardashian-Disick with Eddie Munster hair, Kim, Kanye (looking like a young Liberace in that red sateen jacket) at Kim’s 33rd birthday at Tao in Las Vegas.
(Pics via Wenn)