“Excuse me? Are they not aware that I’m the greatest Kanye in the world? What about that mug I bought for myself – the one that says ‘World’s Greatest Kanye’? Is that mug a lie?”
The Pan Am Games – which are sort of like the Rita Ora to the Olympics’ Rihanna – are currently happening in Toronto, Canada. Just like the Olympics, the Pan Am Games have an opening and closing ceremony, and it was announced on Wednesday that Kanye West will headline the closing ceremony on July 26th. Not everyone is happy with this and according to a Change.org petition titled “Don’t have Kanye West headline the closing ceremony for the Toronto Pan American Games, it looks like Canada doesn’t want him.
CBC says the petition was started by a Canadian person named Allen Simans (damn, I was really hoping Bryan LaCróix was behind this) because he was pissed off that the organizers of the Pam Am Games outsourced the closing ceremony performance to America. Allen Simans suggests that instead of Kanye, they should have picked a Canadian like Drake, Feist, Shania Twain, The Weeknd, or deadmau5. I’m not sure why Allen Simans went straight for Kanye’s nuts, because the closing ceremony performance will also feature Pitbull and Canadian Serena Ryder.
So far, the petition to cancel Kanye’s performance has almost 37,600 signatures, and they’ve issued an ultimatum if their demands aren’t met:
“Toronto Pan Am Games organizing committee please reconsider your decision as we will NOT be attending Kanye West’s show.”
“We will NOT be attending.” How delightfully Canadian. Speaking of, this comment that was left on the “Reasons for signing” section of the petition regarding Kanye’s performance might be my favorite thing about all of this:
“I would rather spend my tax dollars on watching grass grow.”
Only a Canadian would be so polite that they’d write “grass” instead of the much more appropriate “Kim Kardashian’s ass.”
Noted asshole Scott Disick has been especially asshole-y this week. After he “got caught” trying to hook-up with one of his ex-girlfriends in Monte Carlo, Kourtney Kardashian dumped him and he just shrugged his shoulders and told people he was single and ready to mingle. He followed that up by bailing on his daughter’s 3rd birthday and posting a lazy “Happy Birthday, or whatever” message on Instagram. As you can probably guess, Scott Disick isn’t exactly the most popular person at the Botox Kompound right now. And according to People, the person who is most pissed off at Scoot Douchebag is his brother-in-law, Kanye West.
A source close to Kanye claims that Kanye is “furious” at Scott, adding that he’s “maybe the most furious of everyone.” That might technically be true, since the last time I checked, Kanye was the only Kardashian who’s face muscles could still move freely and show a range of emotions. Kanye has also apparently been really vocal about Scott’s recent asshole behavior.
“He’s saying that a real man doesn’t abandon his family like Scott is doing.”
The source also claims that Kanye has offered to step up and be a “strong male figure” to Scott and Kourtney’s three kids. “Cool, when you get a chance, can you do the same for me?” thought North West. The source goes on to say that every member of the Kardashian Koven will forgive Scott for being an asshole if he comes home and does the right thing. Scott allegedly attempted to do the right thing by checking in to rehab, but he left after one hour. So yeah, they might not want to start planning that forgiveness party just yet.
If I were Kanye West, I’d be so pissed at Scott Disick too. Without Scott, Kanye has no one to help him escape from another four hour conversation that starts with “OMG I just found the best industrial-grade expandable butt foam…”
Speaking of rubber and latex, here’s Kim Kardashian celebrating Scott and Kourtney’s daughter Penelope’s 3rd birthday at Disneyland with North and their attention-thirsty grandma Kris Jenner. They really got into the Disneyland spirit too: Kourtney dressed up as Tinker Bell, while Kim’s face appears to be channeling Sleepy. I’ve also thrown in some pics of Kim and Kanye looking ~so artsy~ for System magazine.
Pics: Splash, Juergen Teller
Kim Kardashian’s objectification lecture with the Commonwealth Club of California happened last night, and if you couldn’t tell from that Rolling Stone cover above, the jist of her lecture was that she doesn’t really have a problem with objectification. We’ll get to that lecture in a second, but let’s get this Rolling Stone business out of the way first. Two thoughts on that cover:
1) Kim looks like an honorary Kaptain of a rubber dinghy called the S. S. Seamen (the first mate of which would be chum bucket Terry Richardson, who shot Kim’s kover).
2) A round of applause goes to the editors who showed an enormous level of restraint by not reversing the order of the words so that it read “Inside Kim“. Or maybe they did, but the second the first copy came out of the printer, Kris Jenner appeared through a firey hole in the floor and demanded a cut of the profits from people who bought the magazine expecting to find porn.
On to the interview. Kim really has nothing to sell or promote, so Kim just talks about Kim. And her kreator Kanye West. She also talks about her Where’s Waldo of a brother, Rob Kardashian, and manages to read his ass while doing so. Awww, what a great big sister!
Kanye West headlined the Glastonbury Festival on Saturday night, and British comedian Simon Brodkin bum-rushed the show as his “Lee Nelson” character. Instead of realizing he’s had this coming for a long time and playing along, Kanye acted like a gaping asshole. Which is not a character. He had security yank Brodkin away. He also demanded that the guy backstage who pushes the play button press pause so he could start “Black Skinhead” over again. Cut to a Scientology-approved yert in which Beck is nodding approvingly. Then cut over to Karlie Kloss’ hotel room where Taylor Swift is French-braiding Karlie’s hair and beginning every sentence with “Imma let you finish but Lee Nelson had…” before tee-hee-heeing.
“Lee Nelson” mimed that he was rapping during his brief appearance and those mere seconds were better than any performance that Kanye has ever given. There was more life, more soul, more spirit in Mr. Brodkin’s actions than in anything Kanye has ever done. Kanye realized this. Seeking validation, he later informed the crowd that they were “watching the greatest living rock star on the planet!” The definition of humble:
Glastonbury was equally problematic for Kim Kardashian West. Some resourceful youngster in the crowd made a flag depicting Kim Kardashian sucking off Ray J.
Finally! That sex tape that ruined all of our lives is useful.
Check out Kuntye and wife boarding a helicopter for the festival:
“We brought the cream mock turtleneck sweatshirt six years ago to Fendi, and they said, ‘No.’ How many motherfuckers you done seen with a cream mock turtleneck sweatshirt” – Kanye West in six years while talking about how he’s the godfather of cream mock turtleneck sweatshirts that look like a half Snuggie.
Fresh off from putting a crack in the planet’s core by admitting that even an all-knowing god like him is wrong sometimes, Kanye West recently said a few words about the death of his mother to a magazine. Kanye’s mom Dr. Donda West died in 2007 due to complications from getting lipo and a breast reduction. Kanye said before that he feels like the plastic superficiality of Los Angeles is what drove his mother to get surgery. During an interview with Q Magazine (via People), Kanye became sad Kanye when he pointed the finger at himself over his mom’s death. And he also spit out a few rocks from the river of delusion:
On how his time with North West comes first: “While [Nori’s] here in Europe I have to have six hours a day with her because otherwise I’ll just work and she’ll get scheduled around meetings. Instead, the meetings get scheduled around her.”
On how most celeb whores only open their mouths for money (He’s obviously not talking about any of the celebrities he knows or is married to, because all of them are modest and humble): “When people expect a celebrity to do or say anything, you’re talking to the wrong group of people. They won’t use their voice for the people. They’ll only use their voice for money. Ninety percent of celebrities only use their voice for the purpose of making money for themselves.”
On how living in L.A. killed his mom: “If I had never moved to L.A. she’d be alive. I don’t want to go far into it because it will bring me to tears.”
So, Kanye thinks that the pressure to look like an L.A. brand rubber mannequin is what took his mother, but yet he married into a family of vapid money-grubbing fame whores whose body parts are made by DuPont and who had their souls lipo’d out because it made them look fat? Hmm, I guess you should keep your friends close and keep your enemies so damn close that you marry and have a baby with them.
Here’s more of Kanye in Paris as well as pictures of him going to dinner in London with ALS charity angel Kummy Kakes and her deflating hot air balloon ass.
Since Kanye West thinks he’s God on earth, he really wants his own personal Jesus and so he made sure that all the embryos implanted in his wife’s rubber chew toy body were dude embryos. When Kim Kartrashian said that she and Kanye were furiously fucking like a desperate prison tailor shop instructor and a convicted killer, she really meant that doctors were furiously working to make an embryo that would grow into a dude heir and continue his dad’s legacy of making eyes roll.
A source tells UsWeekly that both Kim and Kanye wanted a boy to go with their girl and so they shook out the loose change from their cleavage to pay for an expensive procedure where doctors “isolate fertilized embryos of the preferred sex in a lab.” The procedure starts at $17,000, apparently. Kanye’s platinum leaf anus treatments cost more than that, so that money isn’t shit to them. The source claims that Kim and Kanye ordered and bought the perfect boy they’ll name either Wild Wild West, Go West, Kanye The Second or Boyoncé West. The source spilled this out:
“Kanye and Kim are so excited to complete their family. Kanye loves Nori more than anything, but to make his world complete, he wanted a little boy, an heir. Kim always wanted two kids. A girl and a boy.”
This doesn’t surprise me, because Kimye have a little girl to parade around in leather girl tunics for the paps and now they just need a little boy to parade around in leather boy tunics for the paps. But what does surprise me is that Kanye didn’t want to klone himself Dolly-style instead. Why have a “male heir” with half Kanye genes when he could have a “male heir” with full Kanye genes?! It’s what Henry VIII would’ve done! I need to stop, because I’m giving Yeezus ideas and this world is barely big enough for one Kanye-sized ego.
In other Kummy Kakes “news,” Kim is at the Cannes Lions Festival right now and she tweeted about how some drunk, naked crazy bitch tried to get into her hotel room last night. Kim didn’t let her in. What a rude, ungrateful asshole Kim is. I mean, she’s wrong for not letting her mother into her room. Pimp Mama Kris turned Kim into the richest inanimate object in the world and that’s how she gets treated? Rude and uncalled for.
Here’s some pics of Kummy and PMK in Cannes as well as pictures of Kanye partying with Drake, 2 Chainz and Future in Atlanta while wearing a parachute jumpsuit that Blanche Devereaux would’ve worn if she was in the army.
Mark this day in your calendars. Self-appointed legendary genius and authority of everything Kanye West admitted he was WRONG about something. Sounds like Jesus finally took the wheel, pulled the car over, and told Yeezus he’s had damn near enough of his bullshit before threatening to leave his ass at the next rest stop.
During an interview with the Sunday Times (via NME), Kanye konfessed that maybe he might have been wrong about that time he verbally dry fucked Beck for not “respecting artistry” after he won the Grammy award for Album of the Year over Beyonce. At the time, Kanye blamed his little backstage temper tantrum on the voices inside his head. And now he’s throwing those voices under the bus, because he’s admitting the words they made him say might have been not so true:
“I’m fine to apologize for inaccuracies. You know, I send flowers for inaccuracies. I talked to Beck’s wife, and I think I had a point about Beyonce’s album, but I think I was inaccurate with the concept of a gentleman who plays 14 instruments not respecting artistry.”
I can just picture Beck’s wife (Cynthia from Dazed and Confused) realizing she’s been listening to Kanye West talking at her for 148 minutes and thinking “I never should have answered the phone.” But don’t get too used to this new self-aware humble Kanye; right after he apologized, he yanked it all away by saying this:
“Isn’t it amazing that people are so constantly shocked by the commonly agreed-in truth? How much bullshit are we in if, every single time I give not just my opinion, but a vast 80%, 90% opinion, I get into that much trouble? When the truth is a mass opinion. That’s not about accuracy, it’s the definition of truth.
He also mumbled some nonsense about a chair, saying: “I could compare myself to this chair, I’m saying, ‘I’ve got all this on my back, so I’m a chair.’ People get really uptight about my comparisons, but I’m an extreme speaker, and I speak through comparisons.” And just like that, Kanye yanks the wheel back from Jesus and starts weaving around the streets of Crazytown once again.
While we’re on the topic of comparisons, here’s Kanye’s bronzer-covered yoga ball Kim Kardashian reminding her little sister Kylie that she’s still the queen of the tits-out game while walking through the airport yesterday.
That’s pretty much it. That’s all of it.
Yesterday, Madonna threatened to show up twee corn husk Taylor Swift in the “Love Boat of music videos” department by Instagramming a “Bitch, I’m Madonna” promo poster with the faces of Beyonce, Nicki Minaj, Katy Perry and Rita Ora on it. Well, the video for “Bitch, I’m Avril” came out today and most of those cameos can be labeled “queef and you missed it.” It looks like Beyonce, Miley, Kanye and Katy Perry FaceTimed in their cameos while taking a quick shit on a toilet in their water closet. It wasn’t even a long shit. It was a “dump, wipe and go” shit. The things Beyonce and Kanye will do to make Tidal happen. Nicki Minaj couldn’t even be bothered with showing up on set and she rapped her part in a TV like she’s Jambi from Pee-wee’s Playhouse or some shit. But at least Chris Rock (???) and Rita Ora (who really has nothing else to do) showed up. And Rita did herself up in Rachel Dolezal drag. Topical!
The video premiered on Madge’s newest cult Tidal before ending up everywhere else 1 second later. As for the video itself, if Beyonce’s video for 7/11 freebased 2009 Ke$ha’s saliva and used sweat from a third tier Betsey Johnson impersonator as lube to have bareback sex with Regina George’s mom, it would give birth to this 9 months later:
Watching that felt like having a seizure during an acid trip. On a positive note, Madge looked more like Jem than the new Jem looks like Jem.
And here’s some riveting pictures from the past few days of the only pop “star” who truly showed up for Madge, and her low-rent Billie Joe Armstrong-looking ass boyfriend Ricky Hilfiger walking around London.
During a recent interview with The Watchtower for basics and sorority girls (aka Cosmopolitan), Amazonian Snu-Snu stripper goddess Amber Rose spoke about that time she was a stripper. For those of you thinking “Wait, she’s not still a stripper?” – no, Amber Rose isn’t a stripper anymore. She’s a professional sexy lady who wears stripper clothes, and that’s a totally different thing. But she was once a stripper, and she’d like to talk about those times. Sadly, she doesn’t also rip a fat word fart in Khloe Kardashian’s direction, like the last time she talked about stripping. But she does sort of throw a little subtle shade Kanye West’s way, so there’s that. Amber Rose truly knows what the people want.
Yes, the person above knows what the word “future” means. I can’t believe it either. Full-time drowsy-faced Instagram model and part-time mother Kim Kardashian “wrote” a letter to her future self for Glamour.com containing a list of her hopes and dreams for the next 10 years. Naturally, I assumed that letter was just a piece of paper with a bunch of dicks drawn on it in black pen, but it turns out it was an actual letter with actual words.
According to Kim’s letter, Kim wants Future Kim to “remember to be kind” to herself about her body and to enjoy how she looks right now because she’s “not getting any younger.” Damn, present-day Kim is a cold-ass bitch. Kim also hopes that Future Kim is patient with her 12-year-old daughter, North West, who no doubt wants nothing to do with the vulcanized tire she calls a mother. Once she got all the superficial shit out of the way, Kim got into her real wishes: Kim hopes that Future Kim is still really good at contouring her face, and that science will have invented a green juice that keeps you tan forever. “Me too, girl,” thought Rachel Dolezal.
“Am I still on fleek? Am I still hot? Please tell me I’m still hot. Oh lord, I’m not hot anymore, am I? Am I at least still hotter than Khloe?”
Here’s more of present-day Kim, Kanye West, and about 2/3 of the Kardashian Koven at Disneyland for North’s 2nd birthday. I heard they couldn’t go on the It’s A Small World ride. Apparently, there was too great a chance Kim would steal the head off the hippo and use it to pad the ass of her pants.