Category: Kanye West

“Are You There God? It’s Me, North West. Please Rescue Me From These Pieces Of Trash!”

September 28, 2014 / Posted by:

As a look of pride covered Pimp Mama Kris’ face and she thought to herself, “Awww, my little whore is a pimp like me now,” junior pimp Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West dragged their baby North West to another fashion show in Paris for the second time in 4 days. Pimp Mama Kim dressed up her newest fashion accessory in a black sheer Givenchy shirt and made that poor child sit front row with her and Kanye at Riccardo Tisci’s show for Givenchy today.  I know North is always making the same pained face you make when we crap up another Kardashian post on Dlisted, but she really looks like she’d rather be doing ANYTHING else besides sitting on the lap of the strange lady who pays her nanny while at some dumb fashion show. (Examples of things North would rather be doing: warthog hunting with Tia Khloezilla, watching the drool on the corner of Auntie Kourtney’s mouth dry and trying on new shades of lip gloss at the MAC counter with Pepaw Bruce. North West would rather be watching an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians than be at that show. That’s how much she doesn’t want to be at that show.)

While Kim was done up like the corpse of a bottom-level gothic hooker, she gave her full attention to her true love, the cameras, as North screamed, “ayúdame,” with her face. Kanye didn’t even try to soothe North West’s nerves, because if he picked her up, she might barf on him and baby barf didn’t go with his outfit. Kanye was not going to let baby barf jack up his sexy.

And behind Kim in that picture above, Riccardo is totally using his finger to spell out the note, “Your titties look extra scrumptious tonight, boo,” on Kanye’s palm.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com

Kim And Kanye Kardashian Got Booed By Photographers At The Lanvin Show For Showing Up Late

September 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Oh lord. These two boobs again (and I’m not talking about the ones who made North West). Kalm down with the tits, Kim! You don’t have to keep reminding us that you used to be a porn star. WE KNOW.

So it sounds like Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s trip to Paris has been nothing but a goddamn mess. First Kim gets ambushed by that obnoxious crotch-hugging red carpet menace at the Balmain show. Then Kim and Kanye both show up to the Lanvin show with their sloppy tits hanging out (I want to make a Bosom Buddies joke, but Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari don’t deserve to be dragged into trash town with these two). And now a video has surfaced of Kim and Kanye getting booed after they arrived at the Lanvin show. According to Page Six, Kim and her kurrent husband showed up when they felt like it and delayed the show by 40 minutes. So when the Cheap n’ Tacky Twins finally arrived, they were greeted by a bunch of photographers booing them. At least I think they’re booing them; they might also be saying “Boooooooobs“, since that’s the first thing you see when the Narcoleptic Hooker Queen walks towards you.

Kanye confronting the boo’ers looks like my pajama-wearing 58-year-old neighbor during a stand-off with two garbage men last week at 7am after he accused them of being “too rough” with the cans.

And now TMZ is saying that Kim and Kanye’s karefree Parisian vacation is OVER. Ever since Kim got tackled at Balmain, they’ve started traveling in armored cars with armed guards, because they claim Paris is full of crazy fans and crazy paps. DUH! Of course they’re crazy! Anyone who gets legitimately excited to see those two losers is mentally insane.

Who Would You Rather Motorboat?

September 25, 2014 / Posted by:

I know. That has to be the meanest question I’ve ever asked you. It’s like asking you if you’d rather get a blow job from a Vitamix or an anal pap smear from a hawk. But go with Kanye. Sure, you’d get a mouthful of hair, but if you motorboated Kim, you’d scratch your tongue on her chichi stubble as soon as the clock struck 5 o’clock.

Kim Kartrashian was nearly trampled to death before the Balmain show in Paris today when that Ukrainian attention whore who tried to give Brad Pitt a dry blow job rammed into her. TMZ has the video and it’s worth a watch, because it looks like Pimp Mama Kris is kicking that Ukrainian bitch for screwing with her money and you can almost hear Kanye screaming, “You’re on your own, bitch. This face is too pretty to meet the concrete,” as he runs away. After they lived through that ordeal, which they probably staged themselves, they went back to their hotel and shoved their titties into some more HIGH FASHION for the Lanvin show.

While sitting in the front row, Kim and Kanye served up some his-and-hers tit action. I really want to say that Kanye’s cleavage outdid Kim’s, but I can’t. Kanye’s meaty man tit looks depressed, sad and tired. It looks like me when I listen to one of his rants. I don’t really blame it. Being that close to Kim would put anything to sleep. But he’s getting his picture taken. His tits should be looking their best. He should’ve whispered, “Riccardo,” at them, so they’d perk up and sit up real nice in that shawl blouse thing. Or he should’ve worn a leather jogging bra, so in six years when every motherfucker is wearing a leather jogging bra, he can say he worked it first.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com

North West Sat Front Row At The Balenciaga Show, Seemed Really Into It

September 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Pimp Mama Kim and Kanye West continued to show everyone that they’re not going to push their baby out into the spotlight by pushing their baby out into the spotlight at the Balenciaga show in Paris today. How do you say “CALL CPS!” in French? Those evil bitches. Kimye rips North West from the family of nannies she loves the most and they dress her up like a doll and parade her around like a fashion accessory at a loud ass fashion show. How dreadful. North should’ve started crying during the show. If she did, Kuntye would’ve told her that no spawn of his cries during ~FASHUN~ and he would’ve immediately disowned her. She would’ve been FREE!

But seriously, a slobbery, non-potty-trained baby doesn’t belong at a fashion show. I’m talking about Kanye. I’m sure North West was really enthralled by all the crap going down the runway. When asked what she thought of the collection, she took a dump in her pony hair-lined black leather Balenciaga diaper. Or maybe she took that dump after she was asked what she thought of her daddy’s stupid, busted Chevron logo hair.

And while looking at these pictures on her red diamond iWatch 2 as she lounges on the beach of her private island in the Seychelles, Blue Ivy Carter cackles away. BIC already wore toddler versions of all the looks at Balenciaga’s show today and as she looks up at the sky, she sees her gold drone delivering boxes full of toddler versions of Balenciaga’s NEXT collection. Going to fashion shows… How provincial!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

And Just Like That, Millions Of Christians Decide To Convert To Atheism

September 16, 2014 / Posted by:

After Kanye West told a fan in a wheelchair to stand up at one of his shows in Sydney, he should’ve just said, “Sowwy. *Kanye shrug*,” and moved onto his next act of buffoonery. But Kanye West wouldn’t be Kanye West if he didn’t use a situation to nail himself to the cross and mouth shit out a long-winded stream of cold farts about how the media keeps painting him, an egotistical ass, as an egotistical ass. During his last show in Sydney last night, Kanye queefed up another WOE IS ME rant where he said that the media has the wrong target and he’s a married Christian man. Sorry, Christians, but Kanye belongs to you now and you can’t give him back. No refunds or exchanges! “Well, we had a good run. RIP Christianity 1-2014″ - Paul, Jesus or whoever the founder and president of Christianity is (was)

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So Here’s That Video Of Kanye West Telling A Dude In A Wheelchair To Stand Up

September 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Allison wrote about how egotistical ass lip clamp Kanye West yelled at a fan in a wheelchair to stand up during his show in Sydney on Friday night and now here’s the video. The video is where awkward goes to feel even more awkward.

As Allison said yesterday, Kuntye stopped performing and refused to go on unless everybody in the audience got on their feet. It’s a little funny when the douche who is in dire, dire need of a seat tells everyone to get off of theirs. When some fans don’t get up, Kanye singles them out in front of everyone and demands to know why one fan is not getting up. Kanye keeps asking if he’s in a wheelchair and the whole thing is a cringe-inducing mess. It’s like a parody written by Christopher Guest.

I hate it when I go to a show and the trick onstage is telling me to stand up, clap, sing along, dance, put my left foot in, put my left foot out, etc… Bitch, I paid you. If I want to sit down and sip on my beer while quietly braiding my pubes, then take my money and let me. If I’m going to get up and sing and dance on your command, then you better give me a percentage of the house.

I thought Yeezus was supposed to be the son of God? If Kanye’s going to claim that he’s the chosen one and is a God, then he needs to make sure that the dude in the wheelchair he’s screaming at to stand up is actually a paid assistant who can walk and will jump up and say, “I can walk! I can walk! It’s a miracle! Yeezus healed me! Yeezus is real!Oral Roberts needs to heal himself back to life so he can teach Kanye how it’s really done.

Kanye West Stopped A Show To Demand That A Fan In A Wheelchair “Stand Up And Dance”

September 13, 2014 / Posted by:

We all know that Kanye West has a lukewarm puddle of soggy delusion for a brain (it was a wedding present from his mother-in-law as a way to help him fit-in with the rest of the family), so this story should surprise no one. The Daily Mail says that during a performance in Sydney, Australia on Friday night, Kim’s Kurrent Husband told the audience to stand up and dance and threw a tempter-tantrum when he noticed that some people weren’t obeying King Kanye. HOW DARE THEY! DON’T THEY KNOW HOW IMPORTANT KANYE WEST IS??

Concertgoers claim that Kanye got all kunty when realized there might still be one or two people in the audience who hadn’t stood up, so he stopped the music and announced:

“I can’t do this song, I can’t do this show until everybody stand up. Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and shit. Imma see you if you ain’t standing up, believe me, I’m very good at that”

Sure enough, he located one of the seated persons and demanded to know why they weren’t standing up and worshiping at the altar of Yeezus, to which they held up a prosthetic leg as proof that they weren’t able to stand, a reason Kanye deemed an acceptable excuse. Then he managed to locate the other person in the audience who was still seated and insisted that they get their ass out of their seat and dance, GODDAMN IT. But they remained seated BECAUSE THEY WERE IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR.

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Kanye West Was Rushed To The Hospital In Australia Because He Had A Headache

September 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Poor poor precious human Fabergé egg Kanye West. While playing a game of basketball with his entourage (“Shirts vs. Delusional Egomaniacs!“) yesterday in Australia, Kim’s Kurrent Husband got a headache. A HEADACHE! Delicate hand-carved crystal butt plug Kanye Kardashian got a headache! Except he got scurred it might be something more than a headache, like his last rational brain cell trying to escape from the non-stop fuckery that happens inside his head, so he hauled ass to the emergency room.

Australian media originally reported that Kanye Kardashian had suffered a seizure or seizure-like symptoms, but E! News says it’s not that dramatic. Basically, bitch had a bad headache. Doctors gave him an MRI and told him he was fine and that he just had a migraine. I know migraines are NO JOKE, but this is Kanye we’re talking about, so you know that drama queen was probably rolling his eyes into the back of his head and acting like it was his time to go. “Just a second Jesus, I want to say goodbye to my loved ones. Kim, bring me a mirror.

Kanye is kurrently doing fine; he left the hospital after the doctors gave him the thumbs-up and performed a show later that night.

Obviously Australian doctors are unfamiliar with Kanye’s wife, otherwise they would have known that he wasn’t suffering from merely a migraine. What Kanye was experiencing was the growth of the fame whore demon seed implanted in his brain by Lucifer and Kim Kardashian on their wedding night. Once it reaches full maturity, it will burst forth from its spanx-wrapped cocoon and slowly feast on Kanye’s brain until there’s nothing left but a puddle of cheap self-tanner. The host then becomes nothing more than a drowsy-looking mouth-breathing braindead fame whore like the rest of Lucifer’s drowsy hookers. But I thought Kanye already knew this. Didn’t he get the welcome package from Pimp Mama Kris on his first day?

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Like A Can Of Biscuits Exploding In Slow Motion….

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Dear Kanye,

Thank you for this. Just thank you.

Love,
The world

Kanye West might be a tampon dipped in liquid delusion, but when it comes to making the world barf up a river of HAHAHAs by making Kim Kartrashian look as ridiculously messy as possible, he’s the master. Kanye continued to do great work tonight by doing Kim up like an S&M medieval mermaid who just swallowed a seal whole and is having a bitch of a time trying to pass it. Kim wore this beautiful and stunning ensemble to the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London where she was named Woman of the Year. Yes, I mean to write “GQ Men of the Year Awards” and not “The Fame Whores Of The Year Awards.” And yes, I mean to write “Woman of the Year” and not “Gutter Tramp of the Year.” If you’re wondering why GQ named Kim “Woman of the Year,” your question will be answered next month when GQ publishes highly artistic, black and white photographs of Kendall and Kylie Jenner dry scissoring while topless. Pimp Mama Kris really knows how to work a trade.

And I don’t know why those people in the background look so calm. That skirt is moments away from letting go and exploding, sending pieces of metal flying everywhere. They should be running for their lives!

Kanye West Doesn’t Understand How Comedy Works

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Kanye West has repeatedly told us that he’s the smartest man in the world (or whatever he claims during his daily crazy pants ranting) except he clearly doesn’t understand what impressions are, or how comedy works, or what humor is. Ironic, really, considering he’s married to a clown.

During the Made in America festival in Philadelphia on Saturday, Us Weekly says that Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband took deliver said crazy pants rant to the audience about SNL comedian Jay Pharoah’s impression of him at the VMAs last Sunday. Pharoah, seen above at the VMAs looking like Kanye if Kanye was an active granny from Boca Raton, kept it pretty inoffensive, but Kanye was SO upset that someone would DARE have the audacity to poke fun at him, so Kanye called Jay Pharoah to inform him that his Kanye spoof at the VMAs and his “Waking Up with Kimye” sketch from SNL isn’t funny. Kanye explained to the audience (who probably had 0.00 fucks to give, honestly) that Jay should be PRAISING him, not parodying him. »

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