It’s Monday, so you might as well start stretching your eye roll muscle and prepare it for a week’s worth of eye rolling by scanning Kanye West’s latest cold puddle of verbal wet shit. Seen above looking like a constipated, bitchy toddler throwing a pout tantrum after you tell him he can’t wear his favorite black leather jogging pants, Kuntye farted at the mouth to GQ about his stupid wedding, stupid fashion shit and how Kim Kartrashian is the greatest thing to happen to the world. Most of us are so used to Kanye filling our heads with dried dingles of delusion, so he said, “I AM LIKE THE JEWS AND THE PAPARAZZI ARE LIKE HITLER,” we’d just roll our eyes a little to the left and continue chewing our breakfast sandwich. Kanye doesn’t compare the paparazzi to Hitler, but he does say that being a celebrity today is like being black in the 1960s. Either I wasn’t totally paying attention during the lesson on the Civil Rights Movement in the 6th grade or Kanye’s brain has been switched with that of a dead sloth, because I somehow missed the part where black people were given Givenchy gowns to wear to their protests and instead of getting attacked by police dogs and beaten by racists, they had their picture taken and were asked to sign autographs. I was taught wrong! The American education system is really leaving every child behind. Kuntye should be named Secretary of Education, so he can teach the children how history really went.
As soon as the interview starts, Kanye opens up his insufferable delusion dispenser and he completely loses me. I have no idea what he’s talking about most of the time and I smoke weed. Spam emails make sense to me. Kanye dribbles out some shit about the wedding, being a blowfish and Carine Roitfeld . If you really want to hurt your brain, you can read the entire interview here. I’ve thrown up a few highlights (and by “highlights” I mean “lowlights“) after the cut. WARNING: A severe flash flood of delusion and insanity is ahead:
I hope they left a little room at the bottom of those jackets to paint the words “for the” and “publicity”, that way when their lawyer asks the reason why they’re filing for divorce, they can just turn around and point to their backs.
Yes, it’s that time again! Purgatory’s most famous attention-thirsty hooker, Kim Kardashian, is ready to slowly shuffle her hooves and waddle away from her latest husband. According to Radar, Kanye West has forced Kim to change from a vapid, soulless plastic robot into a self-aware vapid, soulless plastic robot, and that’s made her sadder than the time Khloe polished off the last of the Fix-A-Flat:
“Kim has totally morphed into the person that Kanye envisioned her to be,” the insider said. “She’s changed. From demanding Kim overhaul her wardrobe, to forcing her to hang out with his friends, Kanye has just completely taken over her life. Kim doesn’t have any interests of her own that Kanye doesn’t approve of.”
“He constantly scrutinizes Kim, and she’s constantly walking on eggshells around him,” the source claimed. “She begins every sentence with ‘Kanye thinks so and so,’ and ‘Kanye wants this and that.’”
“She tells everyone how happy she is with Kanye,” the source said. “But if that’s true, why does she look so sad all the time?”
Well, source, she looks sad because that’s what happens when you deep-six every muscle in your face by pumping it full of ten gallons of Botox every morning.
Then again, she probably looks so sad because she’s scared Kanye might try to come after her $85 million iPhone game fortune. Yes, that narcoleptic porn star mouth breather with a pile of coagulated NBA jizz for a brain made $85 million, and she didn’t even have to blow a sleazy foreign businessman in the back of a limo first! “My whore’s gone legit!” – Pimp Mama Kris.
“That’s nothing; she’s only spent 9 hours with me since I was born” – North West.
It seems that clever hooker Kim Kardashian has found a krafty way to make sure her latest sham of a marriage lasts longer than the previous one. According to Radar, Kim and her current husband Kanye West have only spent 9 days together since getting married 48 days ago, the majority of which were spent during their honeymoons. Ugh, remember how those assholes had two honeymoons? LOOKS LIKE IT WAS WORTH IT.
An “insider” (Pimp Mama Kris, do you ever take a break?) claims that Kim and Kanye have started living separate lives ever since Kanye discovered that his My Size Barbie only cares about Botox, herself, mirrors, herself, herself, herself, and Botox:
“Kanye now recognizes that Kim’s main interest are shopping and lounging around a pool,” the insider said. “It’s really concerning to Kanye that Kim doesn’t even want to try to experience new things.”
That’s not exactly fair; Kim tries plenty of new things. For starters, she’s sampled nearly every penis in the NBA. She’s always on the look-out for new black-market facial fillers. Not to mention how she tries a new husband every two years. Hell, she’s even trying to be a working mother, even though she neither works nor spends time with her child. If that’s not ambitious, I don’t know what is.
Besides, why does Kim need to spend time with Kanye right now? Filming for the 2-part KUWTK divorce episode doesn’t start for another couple of months.
And in case you need more pictures of Satan’s klassiest narcoleptic-faced hooker in your life, here’s Kim looking well-rested and alert at the Valentino show in Paris yesterday, as well as attending a Vogue party with the illiterate model one. Both times she decided to wear those sandals that make her feet look like stale loaves of challah, I see.
Drunk Uncle’s favourite channel, Fox News, took a break from being the backwards voice of batshit insanity to address Kanye West’s cringeworthy rant comparing paparazzi attention to rape (#yesallkanyes) on Tuesday night’s round-table talk show Outnumbered (I bet 50% of their audience comes from people expecting to see an MTV dating show from 2004). The majority of the panel agreed that Kim Kardashian’s latest husband is an insensitive, deluded dick sore who’s totally out-of-touch with reality, but when it came time for “Hollywood actress” Stacey Dash to comment, she pulled a Dionne and drove the conversation onto the freeway by chiming in with this WTF nugget:
“For Kanye to say ‘rape,’ maybe he needs to spend some time on Rikers Island, go to Rikers for a while, and then he’ll know what rape is.”
Clearly she could tell by the panel’s dead silence that if they weren’t live, they’d start screaming “NOOOOO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!” like Dionne’s boyfriend Murray, so she put those “Hollywood actress” skills to good use and attempted a flawless um and I-i-i filled segue into a defense of the paparazzi:
“I don’t get celebrities not understanding that the paparazzi are doing their job.”
That’s easy for Stacey Dash to say; the only person who wants a current picture of Dionne from Clueless is the chick at the DMV. But seriously, Stacey’s probably swiping at Kanye because he didn’t let her keep that hot blue and orange tube dress from the “All Falls Down” video.
And doesn’t she realize how redundant it is to suggest Kanye spend some time at Rikers? He’s already serving time in the worst prison in America: The Kardashian Kompound.
One of the half-digested ass raisins floating in the 20-minute-long diarrhea puddle that Kanye West shat out during his set at the Wireless Festival in London was about how he’s so sick of the paparazzi constantly “violating” him. Yes, this is the same paparazzi that his gutter tramp of a wife has listed under “favorites” in her iPhone above North West’s head nanny. While getting booed by the crowd who paid money to hear him rap and wasn’t there to listen to the heave-inducing whines coming out of the bruised anus slit he calls a mouth, Kanye brought up Brit Brit Spears’ paparazzi drama and then quoted the definition of “rape” from Kristen Stewart’s dictionary when he said that the paps taking his picture is just like getting sexually violated. I was going to say that Kanye’s Liberace gimp mask was obviously on too tight and squeezing his brain, but he always spits out fuckery like that with or without a Liberace gimp mask on. via The Independent
“I don’t care what you do in life, everybody needs a day off, everybody has the right to say, ‘You know what, I need a minute to breathe’. I want to bring my family to the movies without 30 motherfuckers following me. Everybody here, they like sex right? Sex is great when you and your partner are like, ‘Hey, this is what we both want to do’. But if one of those people don’t want to do that, what is that called? That’s called rape. That is called violation. So if I walk around and say look sir, I’m not feeling so good today, I need some space, can you please not fuck with me today? I need cut-off space, not violation.”
Even though this dried crotch berry gave us the definition of “rape,” I still don’t think he knows what that word really means. Nobody with a half a working brain cell would ever define the Kartrashian’s relationship with the paparazzi as “rape.” It is the complete opposite of “rape.” There’s nothing more opposite than that. If Kanye wants to compare paparazzi attention to “sex,” then I’d say that the Kartrashian’s dealings with the paps are more like a trick putting their address in a Craigslist casual encounters ad where they invite absolutely anybody to a full, blown orgy at their house. Kim getting papped is such a traumatic experience for her that she calls them all the time, texts them her exact location and then posts pictures from the “attack” on Instagram with hashtags like #Hermes.
And that wasn’t the only nugget of delusion that the former rapper turned full-time ranter barfed up:
“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”
Says the level 10 attention whore who yanked at Anna Wintour’s asshole until she put his baby in Vogue, solely named his kid North West because he knew it would get them trending on Twitter and has a pimp-in-law who has already planned his daughter’s first scandal. Nothing says “I want a private family life” like procreating and marrying the fame whore of all fame whores.
And once PMK finishes cackling at Kanye’s cute, little “I want my daughter to decide whether she wants to be famous or not” comment, she’s going to try to smooth things over with the paps by calling each and every one of them to say, “He didn’t mean RAPE rape.”
Here’s Kim shooting her reality shit show in the Hamptons last week while spending time with the people she sees more than her own kid. No, I’m not talking about The Slow One and Lord Douche. I’m talking about the paps.
Just typing the words “fashion rant” took me back to the time in 7th grade when this hay-haired skank named Cory told me I was wearing the wrong kind of white knee socks and ranted at me for like 5 minutes about how you’re supposed to wear the kind that pull over your knees like Cher in Clueless and not under your knee like Jan Brady. I should have hissed back “Bitch, don’t come for me when you’re wearing a Chip and Pepper t-shirt well past 1991″ but I didn’t. I know, it’s one of my only regrets in this life.
Thankfully, the crowd at London’s Wireless Festival was braver than I and told Kanye West exactly how they felt when he took a break in the middle of his performance of “Runaway” to give a TED Talk on fashion. According to The Daily Mail, Kim’s kurrent husband began his rant by reminding the audience that he still has a massive God Complex:
“They taking the idea of celebrity and make me seem like I was stupid or something! I just want to be awesome and hang around my awesome friends and change the world!”
Followed by pulling out his Burn Book and taking a swipe at the mean girls who won’t let him sit at their lunch table anymore.
“I’m not going to mention any names but… Nike, Louis Vuitton and Gucci. Don’t discriminate against me ’cause I’m a black man making music.”
He also went on and on about creating and being a genius and bla bla bla, basically regular Kanye shit. Since the last thing people want while they’re rolling hard on molly and jungle juice is a lecture, the crowd started booing, and when booing got boring, several hundred decided to leave before his set was even finished.
I’m happy Kanye is into something, but he has NO RIGHT preaching about the fashion industry while wearing a jank-ass Hobby Lobby-looking beaded mask and baby blue tie-dye pajamas. He looks like a gay Cobra Commander. North West, come get your father! Yes, you have a father. You also have a mother. I know, it’s shocking, just trust me on this one.
Khlozilla Got Shit Thrown At Her For Wearing This Mess To North West’s Coachella-Themed First Birthday Party
Kim and Kanye Kartrashian’s people managed to achieve the impossible: they managed to make an even more insufferable and douche-tastic version of Coachella. To celebrate their money (and whatshername’s first birthday), Kim and Kanye threw a kids version of Coachella called Kidchella in Kourtney Kartrashian’s backyard yesterday afternoon. There was a Ferris wheel, food carts, teepees and a bouncy house, and I’m not talking about Kim Kardashian’s ass, which we all wish would be picked up by the wind and blown far, far away. North West will definitely remember this lavish ass birthday party and that was not served on a plate made of sarcasm. North West will fondly remember her first birthday party when in 15 years she tells her therapist it’s the first memory she has of looking at her family and wishing she was born into a pack of wolves instead of a pack of fame whores. “If this is a Coachella-themed party, where’s the molly, because I need some to get through this wreck.” – North West at her own party
Because no version of Coachella is complete without a heaping spoon of shit-covered cultural appropriation, Khloe Kardashian Instagramm’d this picture of her sitting in a front of a teepee with a Native American headdress on top her Sasquatch head. Some of Khlozilla’s Instagram followers squatted out shit nuggets of outrage on top of her for this and asked, “How did she not know?” To which I say, “Are you new here?”, because of course she knew this kind of fuckery would get her as much attention as possible. But you know, for once, I don’t think this was solely about getting her name to trend on Twatter. Khlozilla was getting a little revenge for her kind. For decades and decades, Native American chiefs have worn bear heads as a headdress like this:
So Khlozilla the waxed grizzly bear got back at those tribal chiefs by wearing a Native American headdress on her beastly head. Revenge IS a rabies-infested, rabid grizzly bear wearing a Native American headdress. Payback’s an ugly bitch.
And speaking of messy, this was the entertainment at Kidchella. It puts the HELL in Kidchella.
And I don’t even know if North West was at her own party. She wasn’t in any of the pictures. She was probably having her own party in the catering kitchen with her REAL family: her nannies, drivers and bodyguards.
Every morning when Kanye Kardashian wakes up, he carefully slips out of bed (so as not to wake Riccardo), tiptoes past the Botox-filled isolation tank where Kim Kardashian is held in a perpetual state of frozen slumber, and makes his way outside to kneel before his Anger Shrine and rage pray to the CAPS LOCK GODS above to bless him with an excuse to throw bitchy shade at one of his enemies that day. After many days of prayer, the clouds opened up yesterday morning and an angry voice shouted “THY WILL IS DONE! I PRESENT UNTO YOU A RADIO INTERVIEW, MY SON! NOW GO AND BE A DELUSIONAL ASSHOLE UNTO THEE.”
Sensing that he may not get another opportunity to publicly burp out his deluded thoughts before Pimp Mama Kris ships him off the next photo shoot disguised as a honeymoon, Kanye used his appearance on Power 106FM on Thursday to really go full-Kanye. According to The Daily Mail, Kanye began by opening his Burn Book to the page with an 8×10 glossy of President Obama and hissing:
“You can’t effect change from inside the White House like that. You gotta have the money. Good ideas usually aren’t connected to money as much. Creativity and extreme genius are extremely cheap.”
The only way I can make any sense out of what Kanye said is if I took that last sentence and replaced the words “creativity” and “extreme genius” with “all the Kardashian hookers”. I seriously have no idea what he’s trying to say; the meth head who sat beside me on the bus rambling on about something called “carpet corn” for 20 minutes made more goddamn sense. But it doesn’t matter what Kanye said, according to Kanye, because he’s ON A MISSION FROM GOD:
“Don’t worry about how I’m saying what I’m saying. Look at what I’m saying and how I feel and how my intent is. You do not want to go against the power. I’m working on one mission, and that’s a mission from God.”
Excuse you bitch, but you are neither Jake nor Elwood Blues, so please take several seats with that “mission from God” bullshit. The only mission Kanye is on is a mission from PMK to stay married to her narcoleptic hooker daughter for at least 73 days.
Here’s more of Kanye at the Miami airport today on a mission to find out who this “North West” person is who keeps leaving voicemails on his phone:
Kanye West And Kim Kartrashian Spent 4 Days Photoshopping This Picture From Their Pre-Divorce Ceremony
We all know that Annie Leibovitz is just a little, old humble photographer who only shoots regular people like Mick Jagger, John Lennon, Meryl Streep, St. Angie Jolie, Demi Moore and Nicole Kidman. Annie Leibovitz never shoots famous hos and by that I mean she ONLY shoots famous hos and she’s made millions upon millions of dollars shooting celebrities. If you ain’t famous, bitch is not pulling out her camera for you. That is why I am bowing at Annie’s feet for the hilarious and bullshit excuse she gave Kanye West for why she pulled out of shooting his wedding 4 days before the ceremony. Annie told Kanye that she was “scared of the idea of celebrity.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Priceless! That’s like Terry Richardson saying that he doesn’t want to shoot Bryan Singer, because he’s not comfortable shooting a predator who preys on youngins. I think what Annie Leibovitz meant to say is, “If I wanted to shoot trash for a check, I’d book an ad campaign with Waste Management.”
During a panel at Cannes Lions (whatever that is) today, Kanye Kardashian said that even though Annie didn’t want to shoot the union between Lucifer’s minion and the Illuminati joker, he still wanted that Annie Leibovitz look. So before they released that picture of them kissing in front of the Gates of Hell, they spent 4 hours Photoshopping it. via The Daily Mail:
“I’ll tell you a little story about the kiss photo that my girl put up. This was pissing my girl off during the honeymoon. She was exhausted because we worked on the photo so much because Annie Leibovitz pulled out right before the wedding. I think that she was, like, scared of the idea of celebrity.
Because Annie pulled out, I was like, ‘Okay, I still want my wedding photos to look like Annie Leibovitz,’ and we sat there and worked on that photo for, like, four days because the flowers were off-color. Can you imagine telling someone who wants to just Instagram a photo, who’s the No. 1 person on Instagram, ‘We need to work on the color of the flower wall,’ or the idea that it’s a Givenchy dress, and it’s not about the name Givenchy, it’s about the talent that is Riccardo Tisci — and how important Kim is to the Internet. And the fact the No. 1 most-liked photo [on Instagram] has a kind of aesthetic was a win for what the mission is, which is raising the palette.”
So during the first four days of their honeymoon, Kanye ranted at his graphic artist about the color of the flowers while Kim blankly stared at the mirror and Riccardo Tisci cooed from the bedroom, “Hurry, boo, I want to cuddle.” That makes sense. During those 4 days of Photoshopping that shit, I wonder how many times Kanye asked his graphic artist to paste his head over Kim’s face, just to see. For aesthetics! And 4 days of Photoshop work and that wall still looks like moldy cauliflower covered in dead maggots, foam from a rabid dog’s mouth and giant dried jizz balls. He should’ve spent more time Photoshopping some life into that kiss. Spending 4 days of your honeymoon getting a wedding picture Instagram-ready says all that needs to be said.
And here’s THE INTERNET looking demure and modest as always while trying to figure out how a stroller works in NYC yesterday.
Bonnaroo, the moonshine-drinkin’ country cousin of Coachella, is happening this weekend on a farm in Tennessee, and Satan’s highest-earning hooker with facial narcolepsy (it’s a niche market, but money is money) decided to join her current husband Kanye Kardashian as he performed last night. Sadly, it looks like nobody informed Kim Kardashian that Bonnaroo is a casual music festival, because she arrived a bit over-dressed for the occasion. She probably got confused when Kanye told her where they were going, and she assumed it was a fancy French restaurant, spelled “Bon à Roux”.
Kim flew to Tennessee with Kanye so that she could
watch his performance Instagram pictures of herself looking like a ladylike vision of refined class and good taste. Did you feel the earth move just now? That was Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn spinning in their graves like goddamned Black & Decker drills as they marvel at such natural, not-at-all Botoxed to hell and back beauty.
Sadly, the audience behind Kim didn’t get a chance to appreciate her klass and sophistikation; they were too busy wondering where the smell of rancid cosmetics was coming from and checking the bottom of their shoes to see if they’d accidentally stepped in cow shit.
Here’s more of High Klass Kim showing off what $200 will get you from Kris’s Diskount Kall Girls (“Drowsy, dumb, diskreet…call Satan now”) at Bonnaroo. I heard this morning that in honor of Kim’s visit to Tennessee, they’re changing the state flower from an iris to a coco de mer.