When the piss-haired egomaniac met the piss-haired egomaniac at Trump Tower in December, many of us guessed that Donald Trump was either going to offer Kanye West a cabinet position (Secretary of the Interior, because Kanye is into interior design and shit) or ask him to perform at the inauguration. Neither happened. I figured that Kanye wasn’t ask to perform at Trump’s inauguration, because he’s just not a big enough star to join the A-list extravaganza that includes an America’s Got Talent runner-up, Tony Orlando and 3 Doors Down. But it turns out that Kanye wasn’t asked to perform because he just doesn’t fit the “traditionally American” vibe that organizers are going for.
One of Kim Kardashian’s favorite Paris chauffeurs is off the hook after getting arrested, along with several others, on Monday in connection with Kim’s jewel heist. TMZ says that the driver, Michael Madar, has been released from custody without being charged. Michael, seen above holding an umbrella in an attempt to keep Kim from melting, was arrested along with his brother Gary Madar.
Michael and Gary sometimes drive the Kardashians when they come to Paris, and Michael was the last person to drive Kim before she got robbedy. Police thought Michael might have been in on the suspected inside job, but the company he works for, UNIC Worldpass, tells TMZ that he was in custody for testimony purposes only. Gary Madar, on the other hand, might be a different story. The Daily Mail says he’s still in custody.
The police are still interrogating the robbers, but it sounds like one thing they might be giving up on is finding Kim’s gaudy jewels. Sources tell TMZ that Kim’s legal team has been told by police that her jewelry – including the $4 million diamond ring Kanye West gave her – is pretty much le gone. Police claim that most robbed diamonds are shipped off to Belgium and then disappear. I’m sure Kim and Kanye don’t really care. After all, having Kim covered in millions of dollars worth of jewels would really klash with the “pretend poor” aesthetic they’re going for on social media.
I know what you’re thinking. “When the hell did Cher and Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man drag have kids?!!!” Believe me I said the same thing, but that is not them. 2016’s winner for Most Miserable Khristmas Kard is brought to you by none other than Kim Kardashian-West and her beloved Frank Ocean impersonator hubby Kanye West. I believe if Charles Dickens were still alive, first off, he’d be old as fuck. But secondly, I believe that he would have based his ghosts from A Christmas Carol off of the Kardashians, with Caitlyn Jenner as the ghost of Christmas Past, Kris Jenner as the ghost of Christmas Present (because her children are the world’s favorite stocking stuffers) and all the little Kid-Dashians as the ghosts of Christmas Future, which is a scary thought. And also in his updated tale, Kim is Tiny Tim to Kanye’s evil Scrooge.
When Kanye West had a meltdown and needed to spend time in the mental ward, the remaining dates on the first leg of his Saint Pablo Tour were thrown into the fire pit along with the bones of the woodland creatures his wife’s family sacrifices to their overlord Lucifer. The second leg of the tour was “postponed,” but now TMZ is reporting it’s not happening either. The Saint Pablo Tour now has no legs. I wasn’t planning on referencing the most depressing part in Kids, but yet here we are.
The peroxide-headed distraction that Jabba the Trump recently dangled in front of the media was apparently planning to re-start his tour in 2017. No dates for the second leg of the Saint Pablo Tour were announced, but TMZ says that it was supposed to mainly play Europe. The tour was planning to make stops in Germany, France and the UK. But Kanye’s team reportedly told Live Nation that the chances of the tour starting up again are as slim as the chances of Kylie Jenner’s inflated cartoon titties being real. The second leg isn’t happening.
TMZ also points out that Kanye took out an insurance policy on the tour, which means he’ll probably get a check for lost profits and expenses since it was canceled for medical reasons.
The good news for artsy Sisqó is that now that he doesn’t have to spend time preparing for the next leg on the Rapping And Ranting Tour, he can spend more time inside of Pimp Mama Kris’ Kristmas lair of vulgar trashiness. Architectural Digest once again pledged their allegiance to the dark-side by tweeting a soul-ruining episode of Kribs, which answers the question, “What does Christmas in HELL look like?”
— Architectural Digest (@ArchDigest) December 19, 2016
Hmmm…do I smell divorce seeds being planted? No, of course I’m not. “Sources” have already informed us that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West aren’t getting a divorce right now. But, let’s say, hypothetically here, if they were to get divorced, it wouldn’t be that much of a surprise, right? According to People magazine’s latest round of sources, it might not have been a surprise before Kanye checked into the hospital.
A source claims that there was divorce talk about KimYe before his mental breakdown. They were apparently under a lot of stress after Kim’s robbery in Paris and weren’t spending a lot of time together, thanks to Kanye being away on the (now-cancelled) Saint Pablo Tour. When Kanye started acting erratic, like verbally slapping at Jay Z and Beyonce, Kim didn’t know what was going on, and it made things weird between them. We now know that what was going: Kanye’s mental state was crashing like a Kardashian’s phone with too many face-editing apps open.
The source says that Kim finally got clued in once she realized Kanye was having a mental breakdown and she is a kind soul who would never divorce someone because of a mental breakdown.
“Truly no truth behind divorce rumor. It’s not something she would divorce him over. He had a breakdown, but it does not pertain to them not getting along.”
It looks like Kim’s going to have to come up with a new reason for why she doesn’t want to be married to Kanye anymore. Luckily, she’s got the perfect excuse in the form of Kanye’s current friendship with Donald Trump. “I’m sorry Kanye, it’s over. If I wanted you to start hanging out with a delusional millionaire who wears too much makeup, I’d pick one of my sisters.”
Despite reports that Kim Kardashian has been going into power saver mode while attempting to read all the big words in her divorce papers, a source tells People that she “currently has no imminent plans to file for divorce” from Kanye West. But of course Kim isn’t quite ready to be done with Kanye West. There’s still at least five or six more months worth of material for the Kim Saves Kanye storyline that haven’t been
exploited explored yet.