Category: Kanye West

Kanye West Swears President Obama Has Called His House

March 14, 2015 / Posted by:

During Kanye West’s lecture series on egotistical tricks with chronic narcissistic personality disorder at Oxford University last week (working title: Kanye’s Thoughts), Kanye claimed that he has a super-special friendship with President Barack Obama by saying “Obama calls the home phone, by the way.” However, during an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Thursday night, President Obama sort of pulled a Mimi-style I don’t know him by saying that he’s only met Kanye twice and he doesn’t think he has his home phone number, thus confirming that Kanye is still a giant ball of delusional crazy and all is right with the world.

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Shirley Manson Goes Off Again On Someone Who Is Probably Kanye (UPDATE)

March 9, 2015 / Posted by:

 

UPDATE: Shirley said on Facebook that she wasn’t talking about Kanye West, but was talking about some non-famous “industry insider.” So Shirley decided to blast some no namer on Facebook and not name names while doing so. Shirley IS your passive-aggressive cousin.

Kanye West doesn’t know what that smashed paper bag lunch, wood and Lucite trophy is for, but he still wishes he could take a time machine back to that moment and snatch that award out of Shirley Manson’s hands so that he can give it to a true artist like Beyonce.

Last month, the Internet stood and slow clapped for Shirley Manson after she tore a new one into Kanye West (Calm down and pull your chonies back up, Riccardo Tisci, I didn’t mean that literally) for spitting out some nonsensical shit about artistry and for saying that the Best Album of the Year Grammy should’ve went to Beyonce instead of Beck. Well, I guess Kanye clapped back at Shirley in an email he sent to her privately, because she has Crisco’d up her face, put on all her rings and dragged him again on Facebook. Shirley could’ve responded to the private email with a private email, but that wouldn’t be fun and she wouldn’t get any attention from it. So she wrote this mystery trick an open letter on Facebook.

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Kanye West Is The Black Madonna, So Says Madonna

March 8, 2015 / Posted by:

But wait, I thought Madonna thinks that she’s the black Madonna, which is why she thinks it’s cool to throw around “#disnigga.

While sitting on a chaise covered with the skin of Giorgio Armani, Madge talked to the NYDN to pimp out Rebel Heart. Madge talked about showing her seasoned ass cheeks at the Grammys and said that she works really hard for that ass and that she’ll show her ass if she wants to. She likes to kick, stretch, kick and show her ass. She’s FIFTY…six. Madge also let Lady CaCa, RiRi and those other pop hos know that they’re not next in line for the Queen of Pop crown. That crown is going to go to Kanye West, because Madge thinks he’s the black Madonna. I know it’s Sunday and you’re probably all out of energy and cannot bust out another eye roll, but this little dingle may force you to do the eyeball roll just one more time.

“Kanye is the new Madonna,” she tells the Daily News. “Kanye is the black Madonna.”

Madonna says she and Kanye have talked about their shared flair for pushing people’s buttons. “We know, and recognize, that we have that in common,” she says. “We’re comrades in the envelope-pushing genre.”

Never mind that the only button Madge has been pushing lately is the one marked “eye roll inducer,” she’s kind of right about Kanye and her being cut from the same cloth. I mean, both of them live in an out-of-touch fart bubble of delusion and their heads are currently taking up permanent residency up their asses. So yeah, they’re kind of the same. But Kanye isn’t going to like being called the black Madonna. To Kanye, Kanye isn’t the black Madonna. Madonna is the white Kanye, just like Jesus is the Jewish Kanye and the Sun is the star Kanye and the moon is the satellite Kanye and God is the cloud Kanye!!

And here’s the black Madonna with his dress-up Real Doll (and my daily dose of HAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHA) in Paris yesterday.

Pics: Splash, Getty

Kanye West’s Busted Fashion Collection For Adidas Is Very Expensive

March 7, 2015 / Posted by:

If life is Pretty Woman, then we are all Vivian Ward and Kanye West is the snobby blonde saleslady.

Okay, so remember earlier this week when Kim’s Kurrent Husband gave a next-level bonkers lecture at Oxford University and said “Clothing should be like food. There should never be a $5000 sweater. You know what should cost $5000? A car” and we were all “That’s rich coming from the same asshole who tried to sell a plain white t-shirt for $120“. Well, High Snobriety (via Refinery29) has the pricing information from Kanye’s recent Mugatu-meets-a bootleg DVD copy of Center Stage fashion collection for Adidas and – surprise surprise – it’s as expensive as hell.

“Entry level” pieces like hoodies and sweatshirts start at around $420. Knitwear, like the hole-covered sweaters above, range between $860 to $1600. Outerwear, like the camo jacket Kim Kardashian wore to the show, will start around $1700 and go up to $3800. Footwear starts at $200; Kanye’s version of a duck boot is almost $500. High Snobriety says that Kanye’s shitty klothing is priced so high because it’s all made in Italy at some of the world’s best factories using the finest material. It’s true! I heard the wool used to make Kanye’s ripped-up sweaters comes from a rare imported sheep-creature native to a faraway galaxy called oh wait no, it comes from a normal fucking sheep.

I stopped I CAN’T-ing with Kanye a long long time ago, but this is too damn much. It’s one thing to sell a jacket for nearly $4000 and be like “whatever, it’s $4000 – deal with it”,  but to rant about clothing being too expensive and how society is lead by greedy types and that cars should cost $5000 and how there should never be a $5000 sweater is BEYOND. Is Kanye that much of a delusional out-of-touch asshole that he thinks $5000 for a sweater is too much, but $1600 isn’t? Wait, don’t answer that – I already know the answer.

Speaking of things that cost a lot of money and look cheap as hell, here’s Kanye’s My Size Tiffany Taylor doll in Paris earlier today wearing a pair of grey stretch pants that make her ass look like a low-budget Cloud Gate (no offense to Anish Kapoor):

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

If Draco Malfoy Was A Skanky Alien From V

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

As with most pictures of Kim Kartrashian, my first reaction to this is:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

My second reaction is to slow clap for Kanye West, because just when I think there’s no way he can make his dress-up silicone mannequin doll look more ridiculous, he proves me wrong. Kanye really has a gift for turning nearly everything he touches into busted fuckery. I see him throwing a side-eye that says, “I can’t believe this bitch believed me when I said that bleaching her hair with Sally Hansen creme bleach is high fash-un.

Kim showed up to the Balmain show in Paris today looking like what you’d get if you mashed up a picture of a drowned, malnourished Afghan hound and a picture of one of the Matrix twins in MorphThing.com. She looks like the least popular and cheapest Rita Ora impersonator (and Rita Ora is already the least popular and cheapest RiRi impersonator). The look is very “piss on Kum.”

In short: I love it!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Kanye West’s Lecture At Oxford Was Every Bit As Kanye West-y As You’d Imagine

March 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a next-level batshit crazy version of Steve Jobs, Kanye West gave a lecture at Oxford University in London on Monday afternoon, and it was pretty much exactly what you’d imagine a lecture at a fancy English university from America’s delusional tantrum-throwing adult toddler would sound like. Picture the nonsense public bus rantings of a dude who wears a coat made from McDonald’s burger wrappers and a mangy ferret on his shoulder like a pirate’s parrot, except if that dude was rich and famous and married to Kim Kardashian.

Kanye’s lecture wasn’t recorded and no pictures were allowed, probably because technology hasn’t advanced enough to truly capture his genius or some such bullshit, but thankfully student news site The Tab Oxford managed to capture the best, most Kanye-y bits and post them on Twitter.

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Pimp Mama Kris’ Dark Powers Are Growing: E! Signs The Kartrashians To A $100 Million Deal

February 26, 2015 / Posted by:

Yes, that is the O face Pimp Mama Kris made after she drew a pentagram (that’s her official signature) in blood on her new contract with E!. I understand if you need to clear your cookies, shut down your browser, turn off your laptop and dip it in holy water while vowing to never ever think of Dlisted again. I deserve it for throwing this dark-sided, unholy shit at you.

Page Six says that this country’s nightmare has been extended for another 4 years. Pimp Mama Kris has once again earned the title of Pimp of the Year by brokering a “record breaking” deal worth $100 million. PMK’s wax-covered, Botox-filled ATMs including Kummy Kakes, Khlozilla, The Slow One, Kendull and Kylie Jenner are all part of the deal. Bruce Jenner is not and neither is that one who lives under the stairs and only scurries out to grab a sandwich or a cupcake left on the kitchen island. I forgot his name and I’m sure they have too. Page Six says this deal is the biggest in reality shit show history.

The deal that is making the flames in Hell rise higher covers at least 4 more seasons of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians as well as new seasons of those Kourtney and Khloe Take (insert the name of the poor city they’re terrorizing here) shows. Thanks to E!’s deal with the devil, Khlozilla will continue to do red carpet stuff for them, Kummy Kakes will produce her own shows and PMK may open up a Kartrashian channel on YouTube. The source also spit out these fightin’ words:

“You’ll be seeing a lot more of the Kardashian family. This is a huge deal, which will see their involvement with the network and its digital properties expand well into the future.”

So that’s why I heard a high-pitched cackle echo through the land this morning. It was Ryan Seacrest, that evil midget minotaur with a blonde wig covering his whittled down horns, cackling as even more gold coins filled his pot.

This deal isn’t surprising. PMK has the E! exclamation point wrapped around her claw. If E! didn’t have the Kartrashians, what would they do? Greenlight a cooking show hosted by Giuliana Rancic? This world. It really is a sad day in America when Krapping Up on the Kartrashians is renewed for 4 more seasons and yet quality television like Flavor of Love isn’t on the air anymore.

And here’s Kim dressed like a day-shift Hunts Point hooker circa 1991 (no offense to day-shift Hunts Point hookers circa 1991) while going to the Brit Awards with Kanye yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com

Amber Rose Teases All Of Us By Threatening To Expose Kanye

February 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Amber Rose finally aimed and fired at her ex-piece Kanye West for saying during an interview with The Breakfast Club this morning that no woman wants to be with a man who has been with her and he had to take 30 showers before getting with Kim Kartrashian. Amber squirted a load of hypocrisy into Kanye’s face by reminding him that his precious wife, whom he had to cleanse himself for, once let Brandy’s brother bust a spoonful of man chowder on her in a sex tape.

After that tweet, I brought out the popping topping and began making a giant bowl of popcorn, because I thought Amber Rose was going to let all the emotions out and read every inch of Kanye. Amber pulled out her dick, slapped our b-holes with it and stuck the tip in just a little with this tweet:

But then she pulled out:

That teasing ass trick! My body and soul was ready for her to spill it all and expose Kanye. Screw taking the high road or whatever. The high road doesn’t lead to us finding out some ESCANDALOSO shit like how she and Kanye never boned and how he cuddles with a Riccardo Tisci Real Doll every night and how he secretly hates Apple products so his laptop is an Acer in MacBook Air clothing.

Amber went on to tweet that she’ll let the Kartrashians destroy him when they’re done using him and she knows that she and Kummy Kakes are basically making money the same way, but the difference is she doesn’t think she’s better than anyone:

I’ll leave that up to the Kartrashians to humiliate u when they’re done with u. I’m always so quiet and just a cool fun girl. The funny thing is I’m all for a woman making something out of nothing. Ppl make mistakes in life trust me I have. But when u bully other ppl and ur not perfect its so fucked. I own up to every piece of my life.

That’s nice and everything, cool fun girl, but now I have blue balls. Way to tease.

Kanye West Thinks Amber Rose Is A Dirtier Skank Than His Wife (UPDATE)

February 20, 2015 / Posted by:

If you listened to Kanye West’s interview with Power 105.1′s The Breakfast Club this morning, you’re probably pulling out the dried bullshit dingles and corroded nuggets of delusion that he spewed into your ears. Kanye was on a roll. Kanye basically confirmed and applauded 25-year-old Tyga fucking on his 17-year-old sister-in-law Kylie Jenner and said that he needed to cleanse himself of Amber Rose’s filthy whoriness after dating her. I mean…

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Kelly Cutrone Has Thoughts About Kanye West The Fashion Designer

February 19, 2015 / Posted by:

And guess what? None of them have to do with him being a good fashion designer. Shocking, I know. People asked Kelly Cutrone, aka Lauren and Whitney’s bitchy boss on The Hills who seriously looked completely over it 99.9% of the time, what she thought of Kanye West’s latest attempt at being a fashion designer, and she blew this beautiful slap-scented air kiss to Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband:

“I’m not into his fashion thing. I think he’s fine as a rapper. I think he’s a joke as a fashion designer.”

Be still my beating heart. But Cunty Cuntrone wasn’t done dragging Kanye just yet; when asked if she liked the shoes he did, Kelly hissed:

“I mean, it’s not, he’s not legit. Have you seen the product? Didn’t he have his own line in London, which was a disaster that he spent $10 million to do, that no one wore?”

Then like a true bitch, Kelly yanked the wig right off Kanye’s head by telling that no-talent trick to go back to rapping, while also throwing a little shade in Diddy’s direction:

“I just think that you should stay focused at what you’re good at. Just because you’re a good rapper doesn’t mean you’re going to be a good fashion designer. I mean, we’ve seen that over and over. Sean John is a really successful line, but you know, no one in the fashion industry is waking up and going, ‘Hey did you get that … did you like, trade up your Moncler for your Sean John?’ No. Nobody’s saying that.

I’m sure at this very moment, Amber Rose is thinking: “Yaaaassss bitch, do Khloe Kardashian next! Open the library and read her to filth!

But even though Kelly’s review of Kanye’s stupid fashion show killed me, buried me, and brought me back to life, it’s still nowhere near as perfect as one he got from his own daughter.

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