It goes without saying, but yeah, Rebel Wilson makes a better Victoria’s Secret model than Kendall Jenner.
Rebel Wilson was a guest on the Australian radio show, Kyle & Jackie O, not long ago and she told them about the time she said “HELL NO” to presenting an award with Kendull and Kylie Jenner at the MTV VMAs. Rebel said that the Kartrashians stand for everything she is against and they didn’t work for their fame. As far as I know, Rebel’s comments didn’t get any backlash at all. Everyone pretty much slow clapped for her. Well, everyone but Oprah’s Kartrashian-loving ass slow clapped for her. But according to Rebel, deep down in Pimp Mama Kris’ lair of evil, a publicist is carrying out a diabolical plan to smear her!!
And just like that, Tim Gunn received an invoice from Kardashian family pimp Kris Jenner with a copy of that headline and a note saying: “Just letting you know that sort of thing costs extra.”
If you woke up this morning with a little extra pep in your step, you can thank the no-fucks-giving angel of truth Tim Gunn. Once again, Tim opened his heart and released a million warm feelings during a recent interview with the Huffington Post while talking about America’s First Family of Frozen-Faced Tackiness. It all started when Tim was asked his thoughts on Kanye West’s latest collection of crappy clothing. Somewhere in Hell, Satan is already sweating the angry conference call he’s about to get from Pimp Mama Kris and her kurrent favorite son-in-law.
If you own goats and live in the Calabasas area, throw a rosary around their necks and keep them inside, because Pimp Mama Kris is going to send Khlozilla out to catch a few of them since she’ll need their blood to cast a black magic kurse on Rebel Wilson for shitting on her koven of hos.
And everyone gets an F! That’s not how you dress up as a pregnant Kim Kartrashian. What you have to do is buy 5 of the biggest plastic beach balls you can find, fill them with gallons upon gallons of soil jelly and strap 2 to your chest, 2 to your ass cheeks and 1 to your belly. Once you’ve done that, put on 6 pairs of Spanx and wrap your body in several layers of Saran Wrap before you get 4 of your strongest friends and a truck with a trailer hitch to squeeze you into a size 2 Spandex dress in either black or beige. If you’re able to breathe through your mouth while wearing that dress, it’s not tight enough. So get your friends to cut you out of it and put you in a smaller one. You will know if the dress is the right size if it’s so tight that you have to breathe out of your asshole. After you achieve that, slap a rubber trout mask over your face and get someone to spray you down with orange paint. There you go! Knocked Up Kim!
Our future president Kanye West is everywhere. Go pee. Right now. I guarantee you he’ll be in your damn shower. Hopefully he didn’t bring that wife. In the latest It’s Yeezy’s World news, President Obama gave him some advice on running for POTUS, and Kanye showed up to American Idol.
Kanye West, the real-life version of OLD MAN YELLS AT CLOUD, is very mad about something and wants you to know about it. Last night, Kanye took a break from his usual Friday night routine (reassuring Kim Kardashian that she’s still the most beautiful factory-made fuck doll while staring at himself in a reflective surface) to hop on Twitter and rage hard against Kanye’s latest foe: IN-APP PURCHASES! Sorry, Hatfields and McCoys, but you’ve clearly been replaced as American history’s most hard-core feud.
It all started after Kanye and Kim’s tax write-off (“Miscellaneous photography expense“) North West wandered away from the nanny’s quarters and into Daddy’s room with her iPad. I guess North’s money manager, Pimp Granny Kris Jenner, forgot to link up her My First Black Card with the App Store, because she kept getting notices for in-app purchases on the game she was playing and brought it to Daddy’s attention.
Apparently, Kanye isn’t into hustling little kids for money. So Kanye did what Kanye does when Kanye is mad: Kanye ranted on Twitter about it. “Oh shit” thought Kim while kounting the mountain of kash she makes off the 12-year-olds who hit BUY on every in-app purchase notification in Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.
If you can’t with Kanye today, just let the hipster lumberjack behind him express your thoughts and feelings for you so you can keep it moving. And no, I don’t know if that’s stretched-out pizza dough or a big cum web on Kanye’s body.
Kanye West must not know who Tommy Hilfiger, Ralph Lauren, Yohji Yamamoto and Robert Cavalli are, because he thinks it’s hard out there for a straight dude in the fashion world. Kanye did a 2-hour long interview for SHOWStudio’s “In Camera” series (via HuffPo) and strangely enough, after 25 minutes of listening to him talk, the interviewer didn’t bang her head against the floor until her skull cracked. She made it through the whole interview and was able to ask Kanye about ~fashion~. Kanye thinks that the fashion industry discriminated against him and not because he strolled on in there thinking he was the reincarnation of Coco Chanel and designed overpriced clothes that look like zombie rags. Kanye was discriminated against because he doesn’t like dick like that.
“I feel like I got discriminated in fashion for not being gay. In music, you definitely get discriminated in music if you are gay. It takes amazing talents to break down barriers. Everyone thought that when Frank Ocean dropped that it was going to be bad for his career. I feel like it’s so cliché to speak about him as it relates to this subject, but there are people who broke the ground and he broke the ground. The people that break the stereotypes make history.”
Oh, how I wish I was a fly on a wall in Givenchy’s offices, because I really want to see the look on Riccardo Tisci’s face right about now…
If you’re a ho (or a ho at heart) who woke up with a little extra pep in your step this morning, this would be the reason why. The Amber Rose SlutWalk was held in downtown Los Angeles earlier today by proud slut type Amber Rose to celebrate a slut’s choice to be a shameless tramp. Well, technically it’s a walk to fight against “sexual injustice, victim blaming, derogatory labeling and gender inequality” according to the Amber Rose SlutWalk website. But I can’t imagine she’d have a problem with my description of it, because there’s no shame in the tramp game.
To be completely honest, I am SHOCKED that this is what Amber Rose wore to the SlutWalk. This is downright demure compared to Amber Rose’s usual wardrobe. I was fully expecting her to march through the streets wearing nothing but a set of nipple pasties and a g-string made from a single piece of dental floss. Although I can’t totally hate on that black satin slip thing, because it looks like something Vampirella would wear to her great uncle’s funeral after her friends assured her it was modest enough, and that’s a pretty good look.
Of course, if seeing Amber Rose dressed in her boudoir best isn’t enough to warm your heart, please enjoy this picture of Amber Rose’s mama ripping a hot slutty fart all over Kanye West.
In case you’ve forgotten, “Fuck yo 30 showers” is a reference to the time Kanye hissed that he had to take 30 showers after he left Amber and got with Kim Kardashian. Sadly, Amber’s mom’s message will never reach Kanye, since Kanye’s assistant Kim will no doubt keep getting distracted by the exclamation point every time she tries to read it (“It’s my favorite cause it looks like a dick!“).
Here’s more of Amber Rose at the Amber Rose SlutWalk. Also, Nick Cannon was there. Sure, why not.
The current President of Delusion and future President of the United States, Kanye West, is supposed to perform at a Democratic National Committee fundraiser in San Francisco next month, because I’m guessing he’s going to try to destroy the Democrats from the inside so Ben Carson, the presidential candidate that makes his b-hole tingle, gets the presidency and will make him VP. Or better yet, Secretary of Sweatshirts. But Page Six says that the DNC is ready for Kanye and will tell him to stick to rapping and to keep his opinions about the country to himself.
When Donald Trump wins the presidential election next year, there’s a good chance hell will swallow the country whole, but if that doesn’t happen, Kanye West plans to run for president in 2020. Some of us took Kanye West’s presidential announcement at the VMAs as a joke from a professional troll. Others took it as a fact since being beyond delusional is a quality many presidential candidates possess. Besides, Donald Trump is still at the top of the polls, which has proven to us that nightmares can become real-life and anything is possible.