North West is only 14 months old, and already she’s mastered an expert-level “over it” expression, which is insane, because babies don’t usually start learning how to pull such flawless baby resting bitch face till at least their second birthday (at least according to Today’s Parent). But 1-year-old North West is already slaying all the other babies by emoting just how genuinely unimpressed with her mother she is. Remember when just a few short months ago, North used to stare quizzically at Kim Kardashian, like “Harpo, who dis hooker?”. Now she stares at the ground disappointed, like “Sadly I’m aware of who this hooker is”. Clearly living with such a useless piece of cheap trash has fast-tracked her development. HA! “Living“. Listen to me, talking as if Kim has seen her baby enough in the past year to be considered anything more than “casually visiting”.
She’s also managed to perfect the art of subtlety, which, again, very difficult at this age. Where most babies being held by Kim Kardashian would roll their eyes or cry or take a smelly shit in their diaper, North is more reserved with her emotions and chooses only to show how completely uninterested she is in her stripper-looking mom’s tits-out attention whore antics. For someone created from the busted DNA of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, baby North is actually incredibly smart.
Here’s more of Kim, Kim’s kurrent husband Kanye, and the baby they sometimes take pictures with at LAX last night at 1am (you know who loves flying at 1am? BABIES!). I love how North is staring at the TSA guards like “Hey guys! I’m larger than 3.4 ounces! Confiscate me!”
Ugh, surfbort. Beyoncé shot some pics and co-wrote a poem about her favorite subject (herself) for CR Fashion Book. Beyhivers, please copy down this latest missive from on high onto your sacred scrolls with your gold-tipped feather pens. This the word of your Lord (when Oprah’s off that day), thanks Bey to God.
In “Bey The Light” (words by Beyonce, “remixed” by poet Forrest Gander – whatever the eff that means), Beyonce spills intimate details about her life with the not-fake husband (?) and the baby. Did you know she has to channel Sasha Fierce when she gets on that hump?
I learned at a very young age,
when I need to tap some extra strength,
to put my persona, Sasha, on stage.
Though we’re different as blue and red,
I’m not afraid to draw from her
in performance, rifts, and even in bed
There’s a lot more were that came from, but what’s really interesting is the confirmation that Kanye West definitely hates her. Because his down-low dude Riccardo Tisci styled this shoot. Which means not only did he cover her face up in one pic (how Bey allowed someone to cover up her extra-worldly glory for even a minute we’ll never know), but he had her wear stretch pants and wrestle with a giant, exploded Mickey Mouse doll (?) in another. What the hell? I understand the concept of not ready-to-wear but you’d look really silly trying to enter establishments in that. You’d get stuck and they’d have to call the fire department.
That sound you hear is Tisci and Kanye tee-hee-heeing over her dumb ass. You know Riccardo got an extra tug or two for a job well done.
Check out more pics of Beyoncé’s photoshoot for CR Fashion Book below.
This is when we realize just how much Robin Williams was a part of our culture, because as I was typing the words “used to be one”, my brain immediately cut to the scene in Mrs. Doubtfire where he pretends to be Elsa Immerman. Oh Robin, I am so so sorry to mention your name in the same post as such arrogant trash.
There were so many insane butt nuggets of insanity in Kanye West’s desposition in the case of him grabbing a pap’s camera and trying to whoop a trick, like claiming he’s a celebrity civil rights leader or that the paparazzi are worse than the Nazis, so it should come as no surprise that some crumbs from Kanye’s crazy would fall through the cracks. For instance, TMZ says that Kim Kardashian’s kurrent husband played the ‘I don’t hate ___ people, some of my best friends are ___!’ card by claiming that he can’t actually hate the paparazzi, because his father once worked as a paparazzi, and added that his parents didn’t raise him to “be out here wrestling with random paparazzi in front of LAX.” Well, I should hope not! I don’t believe Dr. Benjamin Spock ever said anything about the importance of taking your child to the airport and teaching them to fight with photographers.
Not pictured: North West’s mother (read: the nanny) standing to the side and showing her a picture of Pimp Mama Kim and Pimp Daddy Kanye to bring that confused “Who’s that?” pout out of her.
Last month, Kanye Kardashian (née West) mouth farted out this shit dingle of lies during one of his rants:
“I want my daughter to have that opportunity to decide whether she wants to be famous or not. I think to myself, what the fuck am I going to do, how can I change it and how can I give my daughter her childhood?”
And here’s his daughter being pimped out while wearing Chanel in a picture shot by Michael Avedon, Richard Avedon’s grandson, for CR Fashion Book. It’s the nepotism issue! And Kunty Karl is so right. It’s never too early to care about fashion and I’m sure North West is showing she cares by taking a Chanel logo-shaped dump in her Chanel diaper.
via The Telegraph
If a red bandanna hanging out of a back pocket means you’re into fisting, then what does an entire coat made from red bandannas mean? You know what, don’t answer that.
Former porn star, Playboy model, failed tone-deaf pop star, and diet pill spokesperson Kim Kardashian recently admitted to People that the nine times her current husband Kanye West has woken up beside her, he’s been disappointed the living Real Doll laying in a deep Botoxed slumber beside him doesn’t have piss-kissed blonde hair anymore. Even though though she could always put on a cheap wig, Kim says it’s not the same; Kanye wants to play dress-up with Barbie, NOT Teresa!
“Kanye likes the blonde. But I think I’m going to stay dark. I was talking about this yesterday actually with Kanye. He asked if I would ever go back to blonde. I was like, ‘Not right after a baby, because my face was so swollen and it looked like my lips were huge’. My face was just off.”
“My face was just off.”
NEWSFLASH HOOKER, YOUR HAIR COLOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! Don’t throw blonde hair under the bus because you can’t stop stuffing collagen into your duck-lipped dick receiver and injecting Botox into every pore in your face! Aside from that, I don’t believe Kanye ever told Kim he liked her better as a blonde. Kanye would NEVER give someone else a compliment! He probably said: “Kanye West looks very good when Kanye West is standing next to something with blonde hair.”
And I love how she says “Not right after baby” as if she’s planning for a second baby. “You don’t even look after the one you already have!” – is what North West would say to Kim if they were ever in the same room together. NO! That’s not true! Kim is a great mother who totally spends time with North West. See? Here’s Kim and North doing some mommy-daughter bonding at the airport together! Sure, North has the type of terrified look on her face that says she’s searching for an Air Marshal (“Halp! I’m being kidnapped by a sedated stripper!”), but they’re totally technically spending time together!
And now for the kontinuing saga of Kanye West vs. The Paparazzi. Yesterday, TMZ began releasing the details of Kanye West’s messy deposition in the case of him smacking the shit out of a pap, starting with an embarrassingly ignorant quote from Kanye comparing his actions against the paparazzi to the black civil rights movement of the 60s (Dr. Donda West, stop whatever fun angel shit you’re doing in heaven and come get your son). Today, TMZ has released more from Kanye’s deposition, and – surprise surprise – it’s the same stinky shit, different delusional pile. Color me a Kim Kardashian shade of shocked (PANTONE 138C – Dirty Sunset).
Nate Goldberg, the pap’s lawyer and Kanye’s current object of cunty affection, asks him once again to explain the lyrics from his pap-hating ballad “Flashing Lights”, this time the line: ”I hate these niggas more than a Nazi.” Goldberg asks Kanye: “So why did you say that you hate the paparazzi more than the Nazis?” and Kanye, who might actually be Justin Bieber in adult asshole disguise, smugly responds:
“Cause that’s what I wanted to say in that song.”
Goldberg then tries to explain that the Nazis were responsible for the murder of six million Jews, at which point Kanye’s lawyer Shawn Holley (aka LiLo’s old lawyer, which pretty much says EVERYTHING about Kanye’s level of intelligence) nervously interrupts Goldberg and tries to suggest they take a recess. Goldberg tells her to STFU and says he’s asking legitimate questions, but Kanye refuses to answer because Goldberg said the n-word again, even though he was directly quoting Kanye:
“But not legitimate to say nigga … ever … ever.”
I guess Kanye wasn’t yet tired of sounding like an obnoxious stupid spoiled teenager, because according to TMZ, he started drilling Nate Goldberg about the use of drones to get exclusive pics of some baby he sort-of knows named North West hanging out with her nannies:
“Is your daughter stalked by like drones? Are there drones flying where she’s trying to learn how to swim at age 1? Wouldn’t you like to just teach your daughter how to swim without a drone flying? What happens if a drone falls right next to her? Would it electrocute her? Could it fall and hit her if that paparazzi doesn’t understand how to remote control the drone over their house?”
Meanwhile, cut to his dumb hooker wife in the backyard of the Kardashian Kumpound with a giant sign painted on her lumpy billboard of an ass that reads “HEY DRONES, OVER HERE!” and texting one of the nannies to bring her “the kid”, while Pimp Mama Kris waves a set of LED airport traffic batons directing them to the area with the most overhead visibility.
Kanye West Says That The Celebrities Who Fight Back Against The Paparazzi Are The New Civil Rights Activists
Good news for those of you who like to start your morning off with a heaping helping of piping-hot delusion spit from the mouth of an obnoxious narcissist: TMZ has obtained a copy of Kanye West’s deposition in the case where he’s accused of whooping a pap and smashing his camera, and it’s truly Kanye at his most Kanye-iest. Which is to say, he comes across as an egotistical pampered asshole who chugs 2L bottles of liquid arrogance to stays hydrated. »
“LOL, remember when people still cared about you?” – Kim Kardashian
“You mean when you were still just a barnacle on my ass?” – Paris Hilton
Just when you think it couldn’t get any worse than seeing a picture of horny pimp grandma Kris Jenner snuggled up to a butch-looking P.J. Sparkles doll, her dumb hooker daughter goes ahead and Instagramming a picture of her joyful reunion with wonky-eyed DJ and former somebody Paris Hilton. Reuuuunited and it feels like craaaaabs.
Kim and Paris used to be close friends back in the day (aka they sucked the same dicks and shared a prescription of Valtrex) but then Kim started getting more popular (aka sucking more dicks) and Wonky got jealous and started saying mean shit about Kim, like the now-famous quote about her ass looking like a trash bag filled with cottage cheese. But it looks like Paris and Kim decided to bury the cum-covered hatchet at Riccardo Tisci’s birthday party in Ibiza. While Kanye West was preparing to pop out of a giant cake and sing a sexy rendition of “Happy Birthday” to his boo, Kim was uploading a picture of her and her former BFF giggling like two stupid spoiled whores as they tried to remember all the random dicks they fucked for coke (Paris) and money (Kim) the last time they terrorized Ibiza:
“Reminiscing about the 1st time we went to Ibiza in 2006! @parishilton it was so good to see you & catch up!! Loves it lol”
It looks like Paris Hilton would rather get pissed on by Ray J than spend another second listening to Kim’s drowsy monotone mouth sounds, but she can’t get up to leave because sitting with The Rubber-Faced Goblin Slut means she gets an extra :30 seconds on her already long-expired 15 minutes. SUCH a Katch-22. And speaking of catching, pray for the people of Ibiza, who all caught a case of the dreaded Hoe-bola virus after these two skanky hoes came in contact with each other. Officials in Spain have warned citizens that if their breath smells like rotten jizz to get to a hospital immediately.
Here’s more of everyone’s favourite cheap-looking filler-faced porn star returning home from Ibiza with her pimp and her future third ex-husband. What in the name of Neverland Ranch hell is Kris wearing??? She looks like a third-rate Michael Jackson from a Kansas City touring production of Legends in Concert.
I should’ve warned you in the headline to protect your monitor with Saran Wrap before lowering your innocent eyeballs to that picture, because most of your screen is probably covered with bile. Although, your bile is a lot more attractive than that picture of Satan’s proudest creations. Seen above looking like Hell’s answer to Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi, the ball of crusted milk stuck in humanity’s nipple slit known as Justin Bieber and Pimp Mama Kris joined unholy forces to take this picture at the birthday part of Kanye West’s boo Riccardo Tisci in Ibiza last night. The Biebs really wanted to push your hangover over the edge and into a pool of boiling barf by adding the note: “@kendalljenner @kyliejenner who’s your daddy.” The thought of the Biebs creating a dusty cloud of death dust by humping on PMK is enough to make your brain melt and drip out of your ears, but maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing. Because PMK’s succubus snatch would swallow that bitch whole and after the dark orb in her body sucked out all of his youth and fame, she’d spit him out of her asshole and he’d be nothing but a wrinkled shell of a human (like Bruce Jenner, basically).
Ibiza became Hell on EARTH last night when PMK, the Biebs, Kim Kartrashian, Kanye West and Kendull Jenner all gathered together for Riccardo Tisci’s birthday. If you’re like me and wondering where Orlando Bloom’s flying fist was when we needed it most, apparently, Justin Bieber is the King Joffrey of Ibiza, because he got that ho banned from Riccardo’s party. Page Six says that Orlando Bloom tried to get in, but Justin Bieber whined to the party’s “organizers” and told them to block that ho. The Biebs probably threatened to cry if the organizers let that big, bad Orlando in and the organizers did what he said, because nobody likes a crying baby.
And after the party, Kim Instagramm’d this picture of her terrifying Billy the Puppet whore face in front of a sleeping Gay Fish with the note: “Side chicks be like….”
We’ve all given Kim shit for her crappy Photoshop skills, but she’s obviously gotten a lot better. I mean, she completely erased a naked Riccardo Tisci from Kanye’s side and you can’t even tell. That looks like the original picture. Good job, Kummy Cakes!
It’s Monday, so you might as well start stretching your eye roll muscle and prepare it for a week’s worth of eye rolling by scanning Kanye West’s latest cold puddle of verbal wet shit. Seen above looking like a constipated, bitchy toddler throwing a pout tantrum after you tell him he can’t wear his favorite black leather jogging pants, Kuntye farted at the mouth to GQ about his stupid wedding, stupid fashion shit and how Kim Kartrashian is the greatest thing to happen to the world. Most of us are so used to Kanye filling our heads with dried dingles of delusion, so he said, “I AM LIKE THE JEWS AND THE PAPARAZZI ARE LIKE HITLER,” we’d just roll our eyes a little to the left and continue chewing our breakfast sandwich. Kanye doesn’t compare the paparazzi to Hitler, but he does say that being a celebrity today is like being black in the 1960s. Either I wasn’t totally paying attention during the lesson on the Civil Rights Movement in the 6th grade or Kanye’s brain has been switched with that of a dead sloth, because I somehow missed the part where black people were given Givenchy gowns to wear to their protests and instead of getting attacked by police dogs and beaten by racists, they had their picture taken and were asked to sign autographs. I was taught wrong! The American education system is really leaving every child behind. Kuntye should be named Secretary of Education, so he can teach the children how history really went.
As soon as the interview starts, Kanye opens up his insufferable delusion dispenser and he completely loses me. I have no idea what he’s talking about most of the time and I smoke weed. Spam emails make sense to me. Kanye dribbles out some shit about the wedding, being a blowfish and Carine Roitfeld . If you really want to hurt your brain, you can read the entire interview here. I’ve thrown up a few highlights (and by “highlights” I mean “lowlights“) after the cut. WARNING: A severe flash flood of delusion and insanity is ahead: »