This year’s 4th of July is turning out to be one for the books. We learned what it means to exercise your rights as an American via Christie Brinkley. Taylor Swift showed us what patriotism looks like for the young, rich and in love (with a contract). And then we had a little blip of patriotic controversy courtesy of Kaley Cuoco.
Woe is Ryan Sweeting! Poor Ryan Sweeting probably thought that when he scores a giant monthly spousal support check from Kaley Cuoco, he’d finally be able to switch from ironing his locks straight with an actual iron Tracy Turnblad-style to regular Keratin treatments. But sadly for him, he’s can’t throw that iron out anytime soon. Because Ryan Sweeting and Kaley Cuoco’s divorce has been finalized and it doesn’t look like he’ll be inducted into the Gold Digger Hall of Fame.
Damn, I knew Kaley Cuoco moved fast, but this is clearly some kind of new relationship landspeed record. Kaley Cuoco has been un-married for a little more than seven months, and according to Star Magazine (via Celebitchy) she’s already thinking about getting married again.
About three months after Kaley called it quits with her tennis-playing husband Ryan Sweeting, she hitched her cooch up to British actor Paul Blackthorne. I don’t know what happened between Kaley and Paul, but it didn’t work out. A little while later she started dating a dude who rides horses named Karl Cook, who I’m guessing she met on a blind date that was set up by her pony. Thanks to Kaley’s commitment to Instagram, we know that she’s been seeing Karl for at least six weeks. Apparently six weeks is more than long enough for her to start thinking about getting fitted for an engagement ring.
Sources say Cuoco is hoping to become engaged to equestrian Karl Cook just as quickly [as she did with Ryan Sweeting]. During a recent visit to a newsstand in LA, a tipster says Kaley purchased a stack of bridal magazines with a friend.”They flipped through them all, cover to cover, and commented on which dresses looked the best. She went on and on about how much she loves Karl and confessed that she was hoping for a proposal – and soon.”
Okay, I’m calling bullshit on part of this story. No, not the part about Kaley Cuoco wanting to make it legal with a man she’s been dating for six seconds – I believe that. It’s the part about going to a newsstand and looking at bridal magazines that I’m side-eyeing. Who buys magazines anymore? Especially those expensive-ass bridal bibles. Besides, if Kaley was truly serious about marrying her new man, she’d be flipping through the latest issue of Inked.
Asking random famous people about feminism felt like the sort of thing that had been left back in 2014 along with the ice bucket challenge and Alex from Target. However, Cosmopolitan decided to revisit some past feelings Kaley Cuoco once had about feminism and ask her if she still felt the same way.
Back in 2014, Kaley rustled a few jimmies by telling Redbook that she didn’t want to call herself a feminist because she liked to make dinner for her (now ex) husband, Ryan Sweeting. She later tried to clear it up by saying her words were taken out of context. It sounds like Kaley might have replaced all the time she used to spend making food for her husband with self-reflection, because she told Cosmo that she definitely considers herself a feminist now.
“Of course I’m a fucking feminist. Look at me. I bleed feminism. I get equal pay to my male costars on a big show, I have my own home, I’m as independent as you could possibly be.”
“You get paid as much as your male costars? How nice for you” said the Kaley Cuoco of movies, Jennifer Lawrence.
She also sort of got into the death of her marriage by saying that it makes her sad and it changed the way she looks at marriage. I’m guessing one of those changes is that she won’t celebrate her next marriage by getting a tattoo of the wedding date.
So there you have it. Kaley Cuoco is a feminist. Now if only she’d give us some news we could really get excited about. Like that they’re planning a sequel to my favorite made-for-TV movie, Growing Up Brady, that would focus on all the behind-the-scenes dirt of A Very Brady Christmas. Surely I can’t be the only one who wants that.
Oh, don’t mind Russell Wilson; he’s just been trying so hard not to stare into Ciara’s front no no hole that he’s fallen into some kind of catatonic state. I’m sure he’s fine.
If there’s one night of the year when a famous type can throw out everything they know about class, taste, style, common sense, and Spanx, it’s the Grammys. I’m pretty sure if you look on your invitation, the dress code is simply a picture of Toni Braxton from the 43rd Grammy Awards. Unfortunately, only a handful of people observed the dress code and came barely-draped in their tacky finest. The most elegant of which was Ciara, who showed up in a table runner held together with a bunch of ribbons and damn near flashed everyone her panty goodies.
I’m not sure why Ciara and Russell Wilson were at the Grammys, since she hasn’t been nominated for one in six years and he doesn’t sing, but I’m really glad they did. Otherwise, we might have missed out on Ciara’s gorgeously trampy formal nightgown thing. Ciara looks like a slutty Miami dancer (I’ll let you decide what kind of dancer) named Porquoi? who works for diamonds and really really wants to fuck Scarface, and I’m into it.
With that being said, if this is how Ciara dresses now, I can’t wait to see what kind of high-end classiness $15 million lawsuit winner Ciara shows up in next year.
Of course, there were a few close seconds in terms of pure class and elegance, like Joy Villa and the always stunning Z LaLa (who came dressed like an IKEA As-Is section version of Cher). On the other end of the spectrum was Dancia, who said “Fuck it” to sexy and covered herself in whatever she could grab from Nicki Minaj’s storage locker from 2010 and glue to her pink onesie.
The Screen Actors Guild Awards was last night and as you know big things happened in diversity. (Well, hello #SAGsSoBlack) But as you also know in life, the good comes with the bad. And if you need further proof of the latter statement take a look at the nominees who walked the red carpet. While many actresses effortlessly slayed (I’m looking at you Rachel McAdams.. “And I’m looking at you, Lori Petty!” – Michael), others lost sense of the space-time continuum and common sense, showing up dressed like a Project Runway reject designed their gowns. The latter remark is best applied to actress Alicia Vikander who wore a long-sleeved, sparkly Louis Vuitton dress that bore a striking resemblance to the afghan on Roseanne’s couch. The dress just screams, “We were short on material while sewing this number” with its large patchwork of mismatched colors and unflattering large squares. Instead of shutting down questions, Alicia’s dress incited a lot more. I ask you, “When has gold and blue ever worked as a color combination?”
I’m sure the snooty fashion mavericks at Louis Vuitton convinced her on that wolf ticket of a dress by saying, “Darling! It’s gorgeous on you! What more can you ask for: chic and 70s-inspired? Voila!” And of course, because she’s obligated by contract as the face of Louis Vuitton to wear it, she fell for it. But I don’t blame Alicia because her thought process is technically hazy considering she’s at stage 10 of dickmatization courtesy of her, er, well-equipped boyfriend Michael Fassbender. Yes, she did nab an award for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Movie for her performance in The Danish Girl which is lovely. But I’m positive all she was concerned about was running back to her hotel room to get some Fassbender lovin.’ “Who cares about this God-forsaken borrowed dress,” Alicia mumbled to herself, statue clutched in her hand, as the elevator ascended back to her complimentary room. “I’m going to get plowed by the best of them as soon as I enter my room.”
My thoughts exactly, Alicia. My thoughts exactly.
For more of the horror show known as the red carpet, browse the slideshow below for WTF moments from some of your favorite actresses such as Nicole Kidman, Kaley Cuoco, Christina Hendricks, Laverne Cox, Rooney Mara, Kate Mara, January Jones, and many more.
When it was rumored that the entire cast of Friends was going to reunite, people who watched all of that shit religiously had the same reaction I would have if an It’s A Living reunion was announced. They squirted out a foamy stream of excitement. But it turns out it wasn’t really a reunion. They just sat at the same table and said words together at NBC’s tribute to James Burrows which taped in L.A. last night. Johnny Galecki, who dressed up like a snobby French gallery owner, posted a picture on Instagram of the cast of Friends with the cast of The Big Bang Theory. Matthew Perry isn’t in the picture because even he doesn’t want to be seen with Kaley Cuoco. No, Chandler’s in London doing some play, so he couldn’t make it.
Never mind that Courteney Cox’s transformation into the plastic baby of Pete Burns and Michael Jackson is almost complete, I don’t think I ever really noticed how much of a hot silver top daddy Matt LeBlanc is now. And seeing him behind Jim Parsons and David Schwimmer is giving me Joey/Ross/Sheldon gay spit roast fantasies.
This might be the first time Amber Heard is scrunching up her nose because she thinks it looks cute and not because her nose hairs are violently cringing at Johnny Depp’s stank. Mark it in your calendars!
The last time human cigarette butt Johnny Depp and his midlife crisis wife strolled down the red carpet, he left behind a toxic trail of rancid hair grease and stinky tooth fumes, and the red carpet died. It was tragic. I guess Johnny was afraid of a future class action lawsuit if he killed any more red carpets with his grossness, because he showed up to The Art of Elysium’s 9th annual HEAVEN Gala last night in Los Angeles looking clean and showered. I know, I can’t believe it either.
I have no idea how this happened. Maybe he accidentally slipped into a soapy bathtub. Maybe he took a tour of the EPA head office in Washington and wandered into a decontamination room on his way to the men’s room. Or maybe this is actually an alien disguised to look like Johnny Depp, but the only reference it had to go off of was a 15-year-old VHS copy of Chocolat. Yeah, that’s got to be it.
Since Johnny Depp took a temporary break (I’m sure he’ll be back to looking like the dirty reusable rag from a truck stop hand dryer in no time) from being the unofficial red carpet mess, Ed Westwick generously stepped up and filled in.
I have no idea why the douchey dude from Gossip Girl is dressed like “The Older One” from a late-90s boy band, but it’s happening. If I had to guess more about Ed’s boy band persona based off of this look, I’d say his nickname is either Shaydz or Sensual D, and his signature music video dance move is intensely staring into the camera while doing prayer hands.
Here’s more from last night’s Art of Elysium event, including some of special guest Vivienne Westwood, who legit looks like an alien and isn’t trying to hide it.
Kaley Cuoco quit her husband of 21 months Ryan Sweetsomethingoranother three months ago and in between fighting over money and other stuff, she found time to get herself a brand new piece. UsWeekly says that 30-year-old Kaley is humping on 46-year-old British actor Paul Blackthorne from Arrow and Lipstick Jungle (Never 4get Lipstick Jungle). Kaley recently posted that picture on Instagram of her wearing a t-shirt from Paul Blackthorne’s anti-poaching charity and she probably did it because he’s currently poaching her pussy.
The “insider” said these riveting words about Kaley and this Blackthorne dude:
“It’s new, but she’s really excited about it,” says an insider.
Adds the source, “Kaley’s doing great postdivorce.”
I’m sure a bunch of hating whores are rolling their eyes while saying, “That trick has always gotta be on a man.” Um, they obviously didn’t read what the insider said. The insider said that it’s NEW. It’s been three long months since Kaley broke up with her husband. You’d think that by now, she would’ve fast-tracked her divorce, married a new piece and already picked out their side-by-side grave sites for when they die after spending a lifetime together. Although, “new” to Kaley might mean that she’s engaged and has already tattooed the date that he touched her genitals onto her crotch.
But really, I won’t believe that these two are a thing until I see staged pictures of them holding hands in a grocery store parking lot.
And here’s pictures of Kaley’s new piece at the TCAs a few months ago.
After their marriage bit and swallowed the dust, Kaley Cuoco and her husband of a second Ryan Sweeting learned a lesson many of us hos already knew: It’s probably not the best idea to marry a trick and honor your “love” with a tattoo minutes after you touched genitals for the first time. Kaley got their wedding date inked into her back and Ryan got her name tattooed on his arm. As soon as I saw Kaley’s tattoo, my cynical ass figured that in the future she’d either have to laser it off or she’d have to marry her next husband on New Year’s or she’d have to cover that mess up with another tattoo. Kaley did the latter and today, she Instagrammed a picture of what she covered it up with. Her back now looks like an unfinished Silence of the Lambs poster. Buffalo Bill’s going to think that Kaley is flirting with him.
Kaley thanked the tattoo artiste who erased her wedding date from her back and also added that she got a moth tattoo because it got the job done:
Thank you @nero_sct @studiocitytattoo for helping me right my wrongs.. note to self- do not mark your body with any future wedding dates #under30mistakes #donttakeyourselftooseriouslykids
the deep, meaningful, larger than life meaning behind this beautiful piece of ink, is….. It covered the last one.
Moths are annoying and are attention whores who are always trying to hog up the light, so that tattoo is perfect! But really, I actually like it for 3 reasons. If you look at the bottom of the moth, it looks like a short dick with two wart-covered nuts. The best kind of tattoo is a tattoo that has a peen on it.
And here’s Kaley in Colonel Sanders cosplay at a dog charity event a few days ago: