“Desperate dumb fuck!” said Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Aniston in unison.
Superman’s former photo-op co-stroller Kaley Cuoco got engaged and married tennis player Ryan Sweeting within six months of meeting him face-to-face for the first time in both of their lives and she told David Letterman (via UsWeekly) last night that they both pressed the forward button on their relationship one second after their first date. Kaley Cuckoo claims that Ryan didn’t even know who she was and never saw the Big Bang Theory before they met on a blind date. Ryan flew into L.A. just for that blind date, so either she’s telling lies, he’s telling lies or he’s been hit in the head with a tennis ball one too many times, because everybody Googles a trick before a blind date, especially if they’re traveling for that shit.
Kaley told Letterman that she and Ryan instantly knew they were meant to be together forever and she took him home that night and he never left:
“We actually met on a blind date. I had never met him, and he had really never met me. He still tells me he had never seen the show, he didn’t know who I was.
He came to L.A. for a blind date — and he never left. We had been texting, we texted a little bit. Dinner was great, and then he moved in the next day. I know, it sounds so slutty, but it wasn’t! It all did move quite fast on paper, but we really did know…And I know you’re all thinking, ‘She’s nuts!’ I swear I’m not nuts. We just fell in love.”
Slutty? All of us slutty sluts should be highly offended! Moving a ho in the day after your first blind date is the complete opposite of slutty. Call it “beyond desperate,” “Hewitt-ey,” “stupid,” “crazy,” and “afraid of being FOREVER ALONE,” but I wouldn’t call it slutty. Every word that comes out of her mouth is like a hot pin stabbing into the rawest part of my nerves.
Everybody jokes about how lesbian and New Yorkers move in together fast (New Yorkers do it, because the rent is TOO DAMN HIGH), but they at least wait a couple of dates. But then again, if the dick is good (or my date’s name is Anderson Cooper), I’d move him in, give him my ATM passcode (joke’s on him when he tries to take out $200 and gets a slip with a laughing emoji on it) , let him eat from my stash of bacon jerky (not a euphemism) and I wouldn’t scream at him if he changed the channel from HGTV.
Here’s Kaley Cuckoo and her future ex-husband at LAX yesterday.
Obviously Ryan Sweeting, the poor sap who is legally obligated to fawn over Kaley Cuoco ’til imploding Hollywood marriage do they part, didn’t get the memo that NOBODY who isn’t saying something nice for PR’s sake is putting money on their marital bliss lasting.
Someone couldn’t have thrown a Magic 8 Ball his way? A Ouija board? A Google image of Johnny Depp’s “Wino Forever” tattoo? Their crazy uncle’s glass eye that he swears has magical powers? Anything Ryan could have used to look into the future to see that he should spend some of his kept boy toy allowance on a gift certificate for laser tattoo removal with an expiration date no more than a year away?
Someone once told me a story about an 18-year-old girl who got the name “Richard” tattooed on her inner thigh with an arrow pointing up toward her holla bits. At the very least, she should have had it say “Dick” so it would be universal for every guy that came after him (pun 100% intended).
Malin Akerman brings the T, you bring the shade.
While flipping channels last night, I stopped on CBS to watch the People’s Choice Awards and as soon as Malin Akerman popped up on my screen with her tits looking like two sick kids staring sadly out the window at the healthy kids playing in the front yard, I said “nope” to myself and kept it moving. Malin Akerman’s pocket hottie husband filed papers to legally quit her ass last month and I am all for dealing with a divorce by putting your chichis out, but this is not the way to do it. Bitch’s chichis look like they had a serious fight and the right one drew a line between them and told the left one to stay on its side of the chest. Aunt Sassy does not want this for you, Juna! (That’s a The Comeback reference for the three of you who watched that masterpiece.)
It looks like she put on her dress backwards, but the back of her dress is pretty much backless except for a long strip, so she didn’t wear it backwards. But she should’ve and slapped on some pasties that matched the fabric of her dress. It would’ve been a better look and I wouldn’t have the urge to organize a march or a rally to free her imprisoned titty balls.
Here’s tons of pictures from that shit last night. A tip: Just take your eyes to Kat Dennings’ powdered dough ball chichis and keep them there. Almost everything else is a wreck.
Watching this video of Kaley Cuoco’s wedding was a shit way to start out Day 2 of the kids’ school being closed due to Coldmageddon and what feels like Day 376 of having some kind of phlegmy plague. Kaley’s natural speaking voice is one step below “screeching drunk bitch at the bar” and hearing her up the exuberance to squeal about it being her wedding day makes me want to hunt her down and slap a piece of duct tape over her mouth. That’s a lot of excitement for a marriage that started with the bride wearing a dress the color of barfed up Pepto Bismol and will inevitably end before the year mark (I have $20 riding on it in the Dlisted office pool).
The video is pretty much a long ass commercial for Kaley’s hair and makeup artists and she looks nice but kind of same old, same old. At least she didn’t have any weird ass bangs this time like she did for the SAG Awards, but they don’t make a hairpiece big enough to cover her level of Try Hard.
Here are some pics of Kaley making artsy stuff and checking for zits at Color Me Mine Studio in Studio City the other day.
After the most natural and organic true love union between Kaley Cuoco and Superman bloomed and quickly died, I figured that she’d swear off love forever and spend her nights trolling the streets for in-love couples to stab in the throat. But Kaley Cuoco somehow managed to pick herself up, jump on a new dick, get engaged and get married. Kaley started boning professional tennis player Ryan Sweeting six months ago, three months later they were engaged to be married and now they’re husband and wife. And I’m sure they’ll stay married for the rest of eternity, or until Kaley needs more attention from People magazines and files for divorce, which will probably happen before the red velvet curtain closes on 2014. That’s real love!
People says that Kaley and Ryan’s pre-divorce ceremony happened at the Hummingbird Nest Ranch in Santa Susana, CA last night. 150 guests all spent their New Year’s Eve watching Kaley get married to the man who will probably become her first ex-husband.
I usually side-eye selfish whores who get married on Christmas Day or New Year’s Eve, but I’m sure there was an open bar and Kaley provided visual entertainment by looking like she was drowning in a jar of strawberry Fluff. And I’m sure Kaley has at least one drunk auntie who shook her head through the ceremony while saying, “From fake fucking Henry Cavill’s hot ass to this?! How dreadful, indeed.”
(Pic via Instagram)
Maybe I’m sitting in a kiddie pool full of bitter bitch water this morning because it’s fucking snowing and I’m not prepared to shift from tolerable weather to slipping and humping my mailbox in front of my neighbors, but I have no patience for Kaley Cuoco’s latest attempt to make me give a damn about her life.
Her friends are telling us that she is right around the twelve-week mark. She is not quite ready to announce, but will instead spend the next few weeks wearing loose-fitting clothing and hoping that you don’t notice (just like Kerry Washington). She will definitely announce before the end of the year.
Kaley turned around after slipping her friends some Starbucks gift cards for helping a bitch out and tweeted:
That’s some serious indignation for someone who is four trips to the coffee shop, one more failed engagement and a glittery, bedazzled crotchal area away from Jennifer Love Hewitt status. Maybe people wouldn’t assume it’s possible you were EFFING pregnant (I’m shocked she didn’t spell it “pregnate”) if you didn’t seem like the type who will swing from dick to dick until one looks dumb enough to marry your knocked up ass after you spent 2 months poking holes in condoms every night when he was brushing his teeth. Ryan had better hope he goes the way of the Cavill before she gets pregnant, just to save the inevitable, epic meltdown Kaley looks like she’d have when she realizes in the hospital room that he didn’t take her countless hints that she was expecting a jewel-encrusted push present.
This gif sums up the quick engagement, fake wedding on Ellen, bitch your uterus looks fine to me whirlwind of PR bullshit pretty well…
Everyone else does. The world stopped spinning 3 days ago when Kaley Cuoco Instagrammed a pic of her ass in a wedding dress and eating yogurt. Of course, this world stoppage is according to Kaley and an equally vapid woman from E!. “I caused a stir. I caused a viral stir,” Kaley says. Jesus.
It was bad enough that Kaley Coocoocajoo here is in every single commercial known to man and will not leave my television. But now she’s all pompous about stupid shit like her costume from an upcoming movie called The Wedding Ringer being mistaken for real. I looked it up. This movie sounds like the green matter that comes out of a horse, misses that bag, and lies strewn across the cobblestones attracting flies. She knows it, too. When she says the title in this clip, she has a little face seizure. She knows.
“Well, we’re shooting The Wedding Ringer…it’s so funny, I’ve been in a wedding dress every day on this movie so I figured I’d post a picture of me in my dress because I knew it would cause a ripple effect,” she said. Kaley got engaged to tennis dude Ryan Sweeting a quick second after she met him so the United Nations obviously declared it ”OHMYGOD IS THAT THE DRESS” Day after checking their Instagram feed this week.
When you’re lucky enough to be pretty, blonde, work with Jim Parsons and get some beard work, you get all self-important and cocky.
Here’s Kaley and her dude at a polo match.
Remember two long months ago when we all questioned the existence of real love after that Big Bang Theory chick Kaley Cuoco and Superman broke up? We all figured that Kaley’s fragile heart was smashed into a million pieces and she’d never learn to love again, because how do you put yourself back together after breaking up with a dude whose publicist forced him to date you and who shared many memorable staged photo-op moments with you? How do you get back to happy after being at that place?! I wouldn’t have blamed Kaley if she became a love-hating spinster who spent her days slashing romantic greeting cards at Walgreens and punching at empty Starbucks cups. But Kaley pulled herself back up and found a way to love again. She is so strong!
UsWeekly says that Kaley and her tennis-playing boyfriend Ryan Sweeting are engaged after three months of dating. She’s been dating this Ryan dude for three months, yet she broke up with Superman in July? Well, I guess there’s no such thing as MATHS when true love is involved. A source tells UsWeekly that Kaley knows that Ryan is the one even though they’ve only been together for a second. And by “the one” I think she means “the one” who’s going to get her ass into UsWeekly again. UsWeekly says that Kaley got engaged yesterday and tweeted this afterward:
Flying high, I could literally touch the sky with you….
— Kaley Cuoco (@KaleyCuoco) September 25, 2013
Did she forget that she’s not fake dating Superman anymore?! That’s some crap you tweet if you’re fake engaged to Superman. Dumbass. She’s engaged to a tennis player, so she should’ve tweeted something like, “Soaring fast, we could literally beat Serena with our love...”
But bitterness aside, congratulations to Kaley’s publicist for another job well done! And if Kaley’s trying to look like she’s in love, she should probably stop making the “ugh, where do I spit this out?” face when she’s posing next to her piece.
The “Kaley Cuoco Starbucks For Two” Watch ended before it even began. Who’s Starbucks will she carry now?!!!!
E! News says that Kaley Cuoco and Henry Cavill’s totally natural and not-at-all staged hand-holding photo-ops are done. It’s always a sad day in Hollywood when two publicists can’t make the details of a contract work. Shit, they didn’t even have a short-term contract. Their relationship (or whatever you want to call it) was a test drive. The milk they bought during their staged grocery store photo-op lasted longer than their entire relationship did. E! says that even though you could count the dates they went on together on two fingers, they will stay friends (HA!) and Kaley is going to shellac the hand that touched Superman’s hand.
Oh well, I was kind of hoping that Kaley and Henry would go on a couple more staged dates, get engaged in front of the paps and marry in front of the paps so the heads of his fangirls would explode, but I guess that’s not going to happen. Kaley and Henry can learn something from this. What did all of our moms say? You can fuck right away, but you should wait until at least the third date before you call the paparazzi. At least Kaley got some Superman peen out of it. I think.
A quick second after Kaley Cuoco’s publicist put on their “anonymous source” disguise to tell UsWeekly that she’s wet humping on Superman, she was papped getting two drinks at the Starbucks near her house in Sherman Oaks, CA. It was her subtle way of letting us know that Henry Cavill was at her house, waiting naked in her bed and she didn’t pick up a stirrer from Starbucks, because she was planning on using his dick to stir in the sugar. Then the day of Kaley and Henry’s totally natural and not-at-all-choreographed hand-holding trip to the grocery store, she was papped getting two drinks at Starbucks AGAIN! And now here she is strolling out of a Starbucks in Sherman Oaks on Saturday morning with two drinks. Even my uncle in the background knows what this bitch is up to. Bitch is rubbing her Superman-blessed coochie in all of our faces while drinking a Venti serving of your jealousy.
I’m surprised that Kaley didn’t make sure the paps got a full shot of the part of her cup where the barista wrote “the TV star who’s fucking Superman” with a black Sharpie. She probably didn’t show us, because the barista wrote “THAT BITCH” instead.