Ryan Sweeting’s hair in that picture is a painful reminder of when I fried my hair while trying to relax it myself. My ends have never been the same again.
When Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting announced that they were divorcing after only 21 months of being married, I figured that they just got around to getting to know each other and decided that they hate each other. It happens. But a “source” tells UsWeekly (via The Daily Mail) that their marriage fell apart after he got addicted to dolls.
Apparently, Ryan had problems with pills long before he met Kaley, but he had sobered up before they had their first date. A few months after they met, Ryan, who’s a tennis player, injured his back and the doctor gave him painkillers. That fucked up his sobriety majorly and it probably didn’t help that Kaley made him watch The Big Bang Theory every week. The source claims that Ryan’s pill addiction came back and Kaley tried to get him into rehab, but when nothing worked she busted out some tough love and left him. The source said this:
“She supported him but she said he couldn’t make the commitment to get sober. He’d tell her he was working on it and instead go get wasted. She couldn’t fix him. He wasn’t the man she thought he was. It was also noted, She couldn’t take his ups and downs.’ And there were the fights. He’d lash out at her.”
This story is coming from sources with no faces, so it’s to be taken with an entire salt lick, but…. Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting did live in the same house that Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom lived in. Khloe and Lamar’s marriage ended in that house. Kaley and Ryan’s marriage ended in that house. Lamar got addicted to the bad shit. Ryan may be addicted to pills. That house is cursed! Since Tangina is longer here to clean that house, that house must be burned to the ground, the earth on which it stood should be salted and Khlozilla needs to be jailed for not warning Kaley about it!
Many of us spent our weekends with an ice pack on top of our heads, because we knocked a knot into our skulls when we fell over after reading the shocking news about how Kaley Cuoco’s marriage of 21 months threw itself into a casket. But well, Kaley isn’t sitting at home crying into a bowl of cake batter while Tinder swiping her way to her next quickie husband. Kaley is back in the saddle and yes, it’s only Monday and I already hate myself for making that pun.
No, that picture above isn’t Kaley kissing on her new rebound Trace Cyrus. That picture is of Kaley kissing on one of her horses who is a sneeze away from giving her a horse snot facial. Kaley spent the weekend mending her broken heart with horse love (and not in an Equus way, I think). Kaley competed in some horse-jumping event in La Cañada Flintridge, CA and she Instagrammed pictures of her horses including a picture of her divorce present to herself: a new horse named Zaza. Kaley was busy on Instagram, because when she wasn’t posting pictures of her horse friends, she was busy doing the social media version of cutting your man’s face out of pictures. Kaley erased Ryan Sweeting’s face from her Instagram page. Kaley also took off her wedding ring, so it seems like she’s happy to be done with Whatshisname. A source also tells People that before they broke up, Kaley and Ryan seemed like they hated each other, which sometimes happens when you a marry trick you’ve known for 5 seconds.
“The few times Kaley and Ryan were out together recently, the tension was noticeable. You could tell the honeymoon phase had ended. It seemed they were trying to work out their marriage by going on dates, but they both seemed miserable.”
Kaley will probably have a new fiancé by the end of the month, but she shouldn’t bother with human dudes when horse friends are much better. Yes, a horse is a freeloader as much as Ryan Sweeting is, but a horse lives somewhere else, won’t argue with you since it can’t speak human words and…and…and I better stop here before I write some gross crap that sounds like it was ripped out of Zoo.
Kaley Cuoco moved one-time pro tennis player Ryan Sweeting into her house after their first blind date, and three months later they were engaged, and three months after that they were married. Bitch was like a Jennifer Love Hewitt in heat. She was ready for that ring. Because they got married faster than a strict Catholic after finding out she’s knocked up, us bitter hating bitches gave the marriage a total of 11 months max. But well, Kaley and Ryan really showed us, because they lasted 21 months! I guess Kaley’s high from being a good old-fashioned little housewife ended, because her rep tells People that she and her man are getting divorced.
“Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting have mutually decided to end their marriage. They ask for privacy at this time. No further statement will be issued regarding this matter.”
I hope Kaley rebounds with her ex-pap stroller Henry Cavill, because I really miss their shameless STUNT QUEEN struts to the supermarket.
And well, Kaley got her wedding date (12/31/13) tattooed on her back, so I’m guessing she’s either going to be spending a little time with a laser in the near future or she’s hunting for a dude she can quickie marry on New Year’s Eve.
But seriously, it’s Fall and the Summer of Splits is still eating true love whole. Just this week we learned that Glenn Close is single and today we find out that Amanda Carrington AND Kaley Cuoco are getting a divorce. I’m just going to go ahead and take a wild guess and say that all these women are divorcing their dudes, because Jon Hamm is single and they want to spend all their free time trying to catch the Hammaconda. I don’t blame them.
Here’s Kaley and her future ex-husband at some event last month.
You know you’re a legend-in-the-making when you roll up to the SAG Awards and serve up a hot slice of red carpet eleganza better than the SAG Awards red carpet itself. I bet the red carpet spent the rest of the night hissing “That bitch stole my look!” to anyone who would listen before finally accepting the fact that Lupita Nyong’o did it better. Bitch color-coordinated her dress to everything around her! That’s commitment.
Yes, technically Lupita’s dress is a typical fancy awards show dress, but it also sort of looks like what I imagine Beetlejuice’s prom date wore to the Netherworld High prom, or a piece of avant-garde Christmas wrapping paper. Lupita’s dress looks like the curtains Maria would use to make power suits for the von Trapp children if they ever remade The Sound of Music and set it in 1984. But more than anything, it reminds me a piece of goth Fruit Stripe gum, and I love it, because I love goths and I love Fruit Stripe gum.
Also, it’s got one of those huge-ass skirts you can sit with your legs wide open in all night and won’t show wine stains, which always gets two ketchup chip crumb-covered thumbs up from a slob like me.
Here’s more of Lupita working it out on the red carpet, as well as Emma Stone (whose shady goth real estate agent dress tried to take out Naomi Watts), a My Little Victoria Pony-looking Lorelei Linklater, Laverne Cox who – as usual – did Beyonce better than Beyonce, and everyone else:
American Treasure Betty White Won A People’s Choice Award And Was Escorted To The Stage By Captain America
I’m sure my 94-year-old neighbor Mrs. Lee saw this tender moment between Betty White and Chris Evans at the 2015 People’s Choice Awards and was like “Oh, that Spider Man – such a gentleman” (because everyone is Spider Man to grandma types).
Because I stopped giving my brain exercise a long time ago, I watched the People’s Choice Awards last night. Or at least as much as my brain could handle, till it began screaming “ENOUGH!!!” and made me change the channel to something more mentally stimulating, like Pick A Puppy. But what I did see was 93-year-old life legend and sassy lil’ slice of lemon meringue pie Betty White accepting the award for Favorite TV Icon (how kind of Bruce Jenner to decline the award and give it to the next in line). Of course, an icon like Betty should never walk anywhere without a hot entourage, so hot hottie Chris Evans popped out of his seat and escorted her to the stage. Not shown: what I assume was at least 50 other dudes behind him fighting over the privilege of offering their arm to one of the Golden Girls.
But it wasn’t all about Betty. How rude, I know. Other people took home awards too, including 2014’s version of Jenna Elfman Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting for Favorite Comedic TV Actress, The Big Bang Theory for Favorite TV Show and Favorite Network TV Comedy, Melissa & Joey for Favorite Cable TV Comedy (wait, WHAT?), Tay Tay Swift and her BFF Ed Sheeran as Favorite Female and Male Artist, and Maleficent for Favorite Movie. Unfortunately, Angelina Jolie couldn’t be there in person to accept her award, because she was too busy working miracles for the Pope in Italy. You can see the whole list of winners is here, if you need that in your life.
Sadly, Betty didn’t walk the red carpet before or after the show (probably because a true icon gives the poor 2s and 3s of the world a moment in the spotlight every once in a while), but everyone else did, so here’s all the famous types from the People’s Choice awards, including Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting wearing some kind of sheer-paneled classy/slutty jumpsuit culottes thing, Anna Faris looking like a fancy Vegas bride, and Kat Dennings working that A+ goth brothel madame game:
Kaley Cuoco Wants You To Know That Stuff She Said About Feminism In Redbook Was Taken Out Of Context
Oh, here we go. It’s only the second day of 2015, and already a famous type is back-pedaling on comments they made in 2014. Earlier this week, an interview between busted butter-haired Big Bang Theory billionaire Kaley Cuoco and Redbook sort of made the eyebrows of the internet raise up in a “you want me to grab you a dictionary?” way when she answered the question of whether or not she consider herself a feminist by saying, no, she’s not, because she likes cooking dinner for her husband. Well, I guess she was tired of people sending her Why Not Both memes, because yesterday she took to Instagram to clarify that what she said about feminism wasn’t actually what she said:
Meanwhile, all the ladies in sensible shoes at Redbook just added the name KALEY CUOCO to their Two-Faced Skanks Who Done Did Redbook Dirty list. Nobody throws Redbook under the bus! “I don’t care if she does have a flattering hair cut – she’ll never describe her favorite way to unwind after a long day in Redbook again! Let Women’s World have her.”
And I’m still not sure what Kaley is trying to say, but I’m glad she did it this time without using lyrics from a Taylor Swift song. My brain thanks you, Kaley!
Sorry, it’s not Kaley Cuoco – it’s Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting. Ah, the Hollywood Hyphen; almost as terrible an idea as getting your piece’s name tattooed on you (but not quite). For some reason, Kaley Cucoco is on the cover of this month’s Redbook looking like the sassiest most-helpful manager at an Ann Taylor LOFT outlet store, and inside she’s channeling that chick in your office who begins every conversation with “The hubs and I…” (ie: “The hubs and I made chili this weekend! The hubs loves his chili“). Redbook asked Kaley the #1 question every famous female type was asked in 2014 – if she considered herself to be a feminist – and according to Kaley, she’s not a feminist because she’s too busy cooking dinner for her husband, tennis player Ryan Sweeting:
“Is it bad if I say no? It’s not really something I think about. Things are different now, and I know a lot of the work that paved the way for women happened before I was around… I was never that feminist girl demanding equality, but maybe that’s because I’ve never really faced inequality. I cook for Ryan five nights a week: It makes me feel like a housewife; I love that. I know it sounds old-fashioned, but I like the idea of women taking care of their men. I’m so in control of my work that I like coming home and serving him. My mom was like that, so I think it kind of rubbed off.”
I don’t want to get all Inigo Montoya here, but I don’t think that word means what she thinks it means. Unless Kaley knows of a secret definition for feminist that says something about a feminist being one who does not prepare evening foodstuffs for a male person. In which case I’m fucked, because I love cooking dinner for people (those with peens and vageens) all the time. Especially a tasty little number I like to call Beefaroni Casserole Surprise. Surprise! It’s just a can of Beefaroni in a casserole dish.
Here’s more of Kaley working some of that sexy catalogue casual realness in Redbook:
For the past 4 days, Superman’s former contract ho and current Big Bang Theory billionaire Kaley Cuoco has been throwing up hospital selfies on Instagram in honor of her recent sinus surgery. Usually whenever a famous type checks in to the hospital for “sinus surgery”, that usually means they’re getting a new nose. And it wouldn’t be that shocking if Kaley Glencoco got some cosmetic snout work done, since she’s been pretty honest about that time she got her titties put in. HOWEVER, Kaley wants the haters to take whatever shady side-eye they threw at the words “sinus surgery” and stuff it up their ass, because she didn’t get the Ashlee Simpson Special:
Normally if I saw a famous type bragging about their sinus surgery on Instagram, I’d also be hand-delivering a “yeah, sure” set of raised eyebrows, but I believe Kaley Cuoco when she says she didn’t get a nose job. Kaley is an incredibly proficient aspiring attention snatcher, so if Kaley got a nose job, you’d know it. There would be 12 paps waiting for her as she entered a building marked PLASTIC SURGERY CLINIC, 9 Instagram selfies of her and her doctor captioned “love my surgeon! #nosejob #blessed #newnose“, and a soft-focus picture of her gently holding her nose on the cover of UsWeekly with the headline “MY NOSE JOB JOY!”
Here’s more of Kaley recovering from her NOT nose job surgery, and wearing a thick white bandage under her nose that sort of makes her look like a young Wilford Brimley, right?
Ah, the People Magazine Awards! What better place to oil up your titties and half-cover them in a beaded onesie. Yes, Jennifer Lopez is wearing a beaded onesie – don’t worry, I have many questions about that too. Just thinking about all that all-over beading is giving me flashbacks to my figure skating years (all 7 of which are deeply embarrassing), along with the feeling of prickly sequins scraping against bare skin and the taste of wet mittens and hairspray in my mouth. Thanks JLo.
I’m not sure I’m feeling whatever it is JLo is serving up here. Don’t get me wrong, JLo always looks hot, it’s just that there is a lot going on, and all of it is making me do Target Lady face. First off, what is going on with her shoulderpads? It looks like she’s got two extra-thick Cuchinis stuck in there. Second, why is she so Kardashian in the face? And my follow-up question to that is, why is her hairline 10 shades darker than the rest of her face? Finally, JLo needs to go easy on the body glitter. I had an old roommate who was obsessed with Urban Decay Sparkling Lickable Body Powder (bitch went through a box a week, I’m serious) and even she would be looking at JLo’s disco ball arms like “Too much.”
“But what about me?” cried JLo’s thirsty extensions. Aw, you’re ok. Any hair that looks like it was cut off an old Cut N’ Style Barbie doll is fine by me.
Here’s more of JLo looking like a sexy back-up dancer from The Brady Bunch Variety Hour, as well as a bunch of other famous types at the People Magazine Awards, including The Hammaconda’s human handler Jon Hamm, Kate Hudson – who seems to think she’s at the Golden Globes, and the definition of a People Magazine Awards attendee Kaley Cuoco:
If the commercial for Quaker Oatmeal Swirlers has taught me anything, it’s that the only way to dress up a boring bowl of oatmeal is to throw a bunch of shit on it, which is why Kaley Glencoco decided to leave her yoga class in Studio City last night wearing a giant mess of Hobby Lobby-looking fake flowers on her head. I know silk flowers are the definition of budget, but those flowers are jacked. That crown couldn’t have cost any more than $2.99, and that’s including the gas it took to drive to the store and back (I guess she’s getting paid that $90 million in instalments). But I will say this: I am very happy to see that the handmade wreath that hung on my crafty-ass neighbour’s front door in the Spring of 1993 didn’t end up buried in her basement under a damp one-eyed mop doll and a box full of busted sand candles.
And if you live in California and woke up to the toxic smell of burning plastic, it was just the result of Lana Del Rey, Vanessa Hudgens, the ghost of Frida Kahlo, Ozma from Oz, Princess Paw Paw, and every hipster who attended Coachella in the past 3 years meeting behind the parking lot of an Urban Outfitters and collectively setting fire to their floral headbands to mark the official death of the flower headband trend.