Maybe I’m sitting in a kiddie pool full of bitter bitch water this morning because it’s fucking snowing and I’m not prepared to shift from tolerable weather to slipping and humping my mailbox in front of my neighbors, but I have no patience for Kaley Cuoco’s latest attempt to make me give a damn about her life.
Her friends are telling us that she is right around the twelve-week mark. She is not quite ready to announce, but will instead spend the next few weeks wearing loose-fitting clothing and hoping that you don’t notice (just like Kerry Washington). She will definitely announce before the end of the year.
Kaley turned around after slipping her friends some Starbucks gift cards for helping a bitch out and tweeted:
That’s some serious indignation for someone who is four trips to the coffee shop, one more failed engagement and a glittery, bedazzled crotchal area away from Jennifer Love Hewitt status. Maybe people wouldn’t assume it’s possible you were EFFING pregnant (I’m shocked she didn’t spell it “pregnate”) if you didn’t seem like the type who will swing from dick to dick until one looks dumb enough to marry your knocked up ass after you spent 2 months poking holes in condoms every night when he was brushing his teeth. Ryan had better hope he goes the way of the Cavill before she gets pregnant, just to save the inevitable, epic meltdown Kaley looks like she’d have when she realizes in the hospital room that he didn’t take her countless hints that she was expecting a jewel-encrusted push present.
This gif sums up the quick engagement, fake wedding on Ellen, bitch your uterus looks fine to me whirlwind of PR bullshit pretty well…
Everyone else does. The world stopped spinning 3 days ago when Kaley Cuoco Instagrammed a pic of her ass in a wedding dress and eating yogurt. Of course, this world stoppage is according to Kaley and an equally vapid woman from E!. “I caused a stir. I caused a viral stir,” Kaley says. Jesus.
It was bad enough that Kaley Coocoocajoo here is in every single commercial known to man and will not leave my television. But now she’s all pompous about stupid shit like her costume from an upcoming movie called The Wedding Ringer being mistaken for real. I looked it up. This movie sounds like the green matter that comes out of a horse, misses that bag, and lies strewn across the cobblestones attracting flies. She knows it, too. When she says the title in this clip, she has a little face seizure. She knows.
“Well, we’re shooting The Wedding Ringer…it’s so funny, I’ve been in a wedding dress every day on this movie so I figured I’d post a picture of me in my dress because I knew it would cause a ripple effect,” she said. Kaley got engaged to tennis dude Ryan Sweeting a quick second after she met him so the United Nations obviously declared it ”OHMYGOD IS THAT THE DRESS” Day after checking their Instagram feed this week.
When you’re lucky enough to be pretty, blonde, work with Jim Parsons and get some beard work, you get all self-important and cocky.
Here’s Kaley and her dude at a polo match.
Remember two long months ago when we all questioned the existence of real love after that Big Bang Theory chick Kaley Cuoco and Superman broke up? We all figured that Kaley’s fragile heart was smashed into a million pieces and she’d never learn to love again, because how do you put yourself back together after breaking up with a dude whose publicist forced him to date you and who shared many memorable staged photo-op moments with you? How do you get back to happy after being at that place?! I wouldn’t have blamed Kaley if she became a love-hating spinster who spent her days slashing romantic greeting cards at Walgreens and punching at empty Starbucks cups. But Kaley pulled herself back up and found a way to love again. She is so strong!
UsWeekly says that Kaley and her tennis-playing boyfriend Ryan Sweeting are engaged after three months of dating. She’s been dating this Ryan dude for three months, yet she broke up with Superman in July? Well, I guess there’s no such thing as MATHS when true love is involved. A source tells UsWeekly that Kaley knows that Ryan is the one even though they’ve only been together for a second. And by “the one” I think she means “the one” who’s going to get her ass into UsWeekly again. UsWeekly says that Kaley got engaged yesterday and tweeted this afterward:
Flying high, I could literally touch the sky with you….
— Kaley Cuoco (@KaleyCuoco) September 25, 2013
Did she forget that she’s not fake dating Superman anymore?! That’s some crap you tweet if you’re fake engaged to Superman. Dumbass. She’s engaged to a tennis player, so she should’ve tweeted something like, “Soaring fast, we could literally beat Serena with our love...”
But bitterness aside, congratulations to Kaley’s publicist for another job well done! And if Kaley’s trying to look like she’s in love, she should probably stop making the “ugh, where do I spit this out?” face when she’s posing next to her piece.
The “Kaley Cuoco Starbucks For Two” Watch ended before it even began. Who’s Starbucks will she carry now?!!!!
E! News says that Kaley Cuoco and Henry Cavill’s totally natural and not-at-all staged hand-holding photo-ops are done. It’s always a sad day in Hollywood when two publicists can’t make the details of a contract work. Shit, they didn’t even have a short-term contract. Their relationship (or whatever you want to call it) was a test drive. The milk they bought during their staged grocery store photo-op lasted longer than their entire relationship did. E! says that even though you could count the dates they went on together on two fingers, they will stay friends (HA!) and Kaley is going to shellac the hand that touched Superman’s hand.
Oh well, I was kind of hoping that Kaley and Henry would go on a couple more staged dates, get engaged in front of the paps and marry in front of the paps so the heads of his fangirls would explode, but I guess that’s not going to happen. Kaley and Henry can learn something from this. What did all of our moms say? You can fuck right away, but you should wait until at least the third date before you call the paparazzi. At least Kaley got some Superman peen out of it. I think.
A quick second after Kaley Cuoco’s publicist put on their “anonymous source” disguise to tell UsWeekly that she’s wet humping on Superman, she was papped getting two drinks at the Starbucks near her house in Sherman Oaks, CA. It was her subtle way of letting us know that Henry Cavill was at her house, waiting naked in her bed and she didn’t pick up a stirrer from Starbucks, because she was planning on using his dick to stir in the sugar. Then the day of Kaley and Henry’s totally natural and not-at-all-choreographed hand-holding trip to the grocery store, she was papped getting two drinks at Starbucks AGAIN! And now here she is strolling out of a Starbucks in Sherman Oaks on Saturday morning with two drinks. Even my uncle in the background knows what this bitch is up to. Bitch is rubbing her Superman-blessed coochie in all of our faces while drinking a Venti serving of your jealousy.
I’m surprised that Kaley didn’t make sure the paps got a full shot of the part of her cup where the barista wrote “the TV star who’s fucking Superman” with a black Sharpie. She probably didn’t show us, because the barista wrote “THAT BITCH” instead.
Because Kaley Cuoco and Henry Cavill know that the tabloids are going to need a picture of them holding hands for their “Yep, We’re Fucking!” covers next week, they held hands while going
grocery shopping for a ho stroll stroll in front of the paps in Sherman Oaks, CA yesterday. You can almost hear their publicists saying into the earpieces they’re wearing, “Okay Henry, put your hand in your pocket and make it look real casual. Okay, Kaley, do that McKayla face so it looks like you’re ‘meh’ about boning Superman even though we all know that we had to sedate your coochie for this photo-op, because it kept howling every time you touched him.”
These two just told us that they were doing it earlier this week and they’re already working those paps like Pimp Mama Kris is pulling their strings. They’re going to be papped house hunting tomorrow, shopping for engagement rings on Saturday, getting a marriage license on Sunday, buying baby clothes on Monday and coming out of the hospital with their new baby on Tuesday. These two are quickly becoming my favorite PRomance of all PRomances. Because just like Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes, jealous whores on Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook are hating on Kaley like it’s their full-time job (aka like a blogger). Who knew that the blond Katy Perry meets Tori Spelling-looking trick from The Big Bang Theory could bring out emotions in anybody. I love it.
Oh, and here comes trouble….
She’s like a young Kimmy Gibbler. I don’t know if she’s saying “Gaaaaarl, the hell is he doing with you?” or “Gaaaaaarl, get that PR!”
Here’s Kaley Cuoco in Sherman Oaks, CA this morning, smiling for the paps while walking to her car with two coffees in each hand. TWO COFFEES! TWO COFFEES! Kaley’s publicist already bluntly let us know that she’s slurping on Henry Cavill’s peen and now here she is shoving it down our throats. (For reference: Here’s what she’s shoving down our throats. It obviously won’t go all the way down our throats, but it might touch our uvulas.) One coffee is for her and the other is for Superman, obviously. Or maybe one coffee is for her to down so she can get more energy to fuck Superman some more and the other cup is full of ice water to throw on her chocha when it starts to overheat. Evil bitch!
And in other news, the hell is she wearing?
Both People and UsWeekly say that Henry Cavill has stopped humping Gina Carano and is now humping Kaley Cuoco from the The Big Bang Theory. If I was writing this post on my phone, auto-correct would change that last sentence to read: WHAT THE HELL?!
Kaley’s rep called UsWeekly from a blocked phone and said, “Hello, this is an anonymous source and I am calling to tell you that the multi-talented, gorgeous, People’s Choice-nominated actress Kaley Cuoco is dating Henry Cavill. Henry is a massive Big Bang Theory fan and he’s always wanted to date Kaley Cuoco. That’s K-A-L-E-Y space C-U-O-C-O. Goodbye!” The “source” really said that part about Henry always wanting to date Kaley. The laughs: Kaley’s publicist knows how to bring them.
The source also said that it’s just beginning stages of their relationship and they’re trying to keep it hush hush. Keep it hush hush? That’s the part that doesn’t make sense to me. When you’re doing Henry Cavill, you never close your mouth. When you’re not opening your mouth to wrap your lips around Henry’s peen, you’re opening your mouth to tell everyone that you’ve just wrapped your lips around Henry’s peen. You’d change your voicemail message to say, “Hi, I can’t come to the phone right now, because I’m too busy cumming on Superman’s crotch.” You’d change your e-mail signature to read, “If there’s any spelling or grammatical errors, blame it on the fact that Henry Cavill was doing me hard from behind while I typed this email.” Every time you had to sign a receipt, you’d sign it as the lucky bitch who gets to fuck Superman.
And I can’t hate on Kaley. A trick who wore a busted blond-Elvira-gone-wrong wig to the SAGs (see above) can pull in some hot British dick. Kaley Cuoco is truly living fucking the dream.