If the commercial for Quaker Oatmeal Swirlers has taught me anything, it’s that the only way to dress up a boring bowl of oatmeal is to throw a bunch of shit on it, which is why Kaley Glencoco decided to leave her yoga class in Studio City last night wearing a giant mess of Hobby Lobby-looking fake flowers on her head. I know silk flowers are the definition of budget, but those flowers are jacked. That crown couldn’t have cost any more than $2.99, and that’s including the gas it took to drive to the store and back (I guess she’s getting paid that $90 million in instalments). But I will say this: I am very happy to see that the handmade wreath that hung on my crafty-ass neighbour’s front door in the Spring of 1993 didn’t end up buried in her basement under a damp one-eyed mop doll and a box full of busted sand candles.
And if you live in California and woke up to the toxic smell of burning plastic, it was just the result of Lana Del Rey, Vanessa Hudgens, the ghost of Frida Kahlo, Ozma from Oz, Princess Paw Paw, and every hipster who attended Coachella in the past 3 years meeting behind the parking lot of an Urban Outfitters and collectively setting fire to their floral headbands to mark the official death of the flower headband trend.
The grandmas of the world who have been begging the Gods to save their favorite show while kneeling in front of their Jim Parsons saint candles can stop and get up, because their prayers were answered! Production on season 8 of The Big Bang Theory is supposed to start on August 6th, but as of yesterday, it didn’t seem like that was going to happen, because the show’s three main stars, Johnny Galecki (aka forever David from Roseanne to me), Jim Parsons and Henry Cavill’s former STUNT QUEEN partner Kaley Cuoco held hands and refused to show up to work if CBS didn’t drop a mountain of money on their heads. CBS should’ve fired their asses and replaced Johnny Galecki with DJ Connor, Jim Parsons with Estelle Parsons and Kaley Cuoco with Crystal Anderson-Connor (Basically, I want The Big Bang Theory to completely Roseanne-ize itself). But CBS didn’t do that. They showed them the money instead.
Johnny, Kaley and Jim made $325,000 an episode last season, but they asked for Friends money for season 8 and they got it. Deadline says that Johnny, Kaley and Jim will sign on for three more seasons of The Big Bang Theory and in return they’ll get $1 million per episode. Three seasons = 72 episodes = $72 million EACH. They also got a bump in their ownership of the show, so when you add that to the $72 million, they’ll make at least $90 million by 2017. If the show continues to make a lot of money in syndication, that $90 million will turn into $100 million. Basically, we’re all living in a world where Kaley Fucking Cuoco is making more money than REAL TV legends like Joan Collins, Morgan Fairchild and Heather Locklear combined.
Deadline says that the show’s other original cast members, Simon Helberg and Kunal Nayyar, are still working out their deals and they’ll definitely get a raise, but they won’t be shitting out solid gold bars like Johnny, Kaley and Jim.
With Parsons, Galecki and Cuoco signed on and co-stars Melissa Rauch and Mayim Bialik already on board for Season 8 after renegotiating their contracts last fall, the focus is on wrapping negotiations with the last remaining original cast members, Simon Helberg and Kunal Nayyar, before the table read planned for Wednesday. I hear the two are close and there is a possibility for them to reach new deals today though there have been some bumps in the back-and-forth.
I’m all for #getmoneybitches getting more money, but $90 million?! CBS knows they’re not actual experimental physicists and shit, right?
And if Kaley’s husband Ryan Sweeting didn’t sign a prenup, he’s the real winner here. Who knew that the mess who tattooed Kaley’s name into his arm after knowing her for three seconds could turn out to be the gold digging icon of the decade?
DUH! Of course the house is cursed! You don’t have to be Father Karras to know that anything touched by, breathed on, owned by, looked at, sat on, or birthed out of a Kardashian had been marked by Satan. He and Kris Jenner are like a recently-engaged couple enthusiastically scanning shit at Bed Bath & Beyond for their bridal registry. Kaley Glencoco should have known better than to buy anything that used to belong to a Kardashian; the term “damaged goods” exists for a reason.
Back in January, Kaley Cuoco dropped nearly $6 million in Big Bang Theory dollars (they’re like regular dollars, but they come with the shame of knowing how you earned them) on the home Khloe Kardashian’s marriage to Lamar Odom died in. Now 3 months later, InTouch is saying that a source claims Kaley and her husband Ryan Sweeting have taken a proactive approach to cleansing their home of all the bad divorce juju that it came with:
“Kaley and Ryan hired a feng shui expert to restore the positive energy. Kaley doesn’t want their future affected by anything left behind.”
And unless one of the things left behind was a crack pipe that Ryan picks up and stuffs with crack, there’s nothing from Khloe and Lamar’s busted marriage that will cause Kaley and Ryans to do the same. Besides, cursed home or not, their relationship got the kiss of death the second Kaley got the date of her wedding tattooed on her back.
Attention screenwriters: this is your next Captain Phillips. Get writing.
It looks like the attention she got from her fake haircut scored high enough on the Publicity-O-Meter, because Kaley Glencoco (who you may know as Penny from The Big Bang Theory, or “Who??” from everywhere else) has gone ahead and extended the 15 minutes of that first stunt by chopping off all her hair for real this time. I know, turn off the CNN; this is more important.
- The inspiration came from her fake haircut, which she quote – “fell in love with”
- Kaley had to wait for shooting to wrap on TBBT Tuesday night before she cut her hair Wednesday morning
- She was “extremely excited” for her new look
There you have it. That’s all we know for now, but hopefully more information will be released soon (I’m sure The Guardian will bring us frequent updates). And praise be Dorito jesus that she went with a bob and didn’t get bangs; I don’t think I have the self control needed not to make a corny ‘Big BANGS Theory’ joke.
Here’s the first round of hair cut pictures in what will no doubt be a series of 20 (or until Kaley cooks up something else for publicity, like resting her hand on her stomach). At first glance, I honestly thought her stylist was Leann Rimes, but then I remembered that no sane person would ever let Leann Rimes near a pair of scissors.
Coming from someone who moved a dude into her house after knowing him for 2 hours and had the date of their wedding tattooed on the back of her neck, I’d say that’s a correct statement.
The May issue of Sorority Newz (aka Cosmopolitan) featuring Kaley Glencoco is still days away from being released to the public, and yet 99.999% of it has already leaked online, probably by Kaley herself. And here’s one more fact about the Jennifer Aniston for a dumber generation (that really says a lot) that you didn’t know before. According to Entertainment Tonight, Kaley admitted to Cosmo that when she was 18 years old, she decided to go under the knife and have two sides of a Pogo Ball inserted into her chest, an act she now considers to be the best decision she ever made. Really Kaley? Even better than your decision to reach for the stunt queen stars with a PR showmance?!?
She doesn’t elaborate on why she decided to get tittays, but I’ll guess/assume it was for work, since it’s practically a requirement in Hollywood to be injected with some kind of clear chemical, whether it be titty juice, Botox, or syringes filled with vodka (a procedure known as The Lohan). And I sort of like that she’s not ashamed of her decision to get a pair of bought-and-paid-for double Ds at 18. I wish I was proud of any decision I made at 18; unfortunately, the best I can come up with is that I’m proud I didn’t go through with legally changing the spelling of my name to Ali’sinn (oh, but I came so dangerously close).
Seen above on the cover of May’s Cosmopolitan looking like a plastic and wooden Jennifer Aniston puppet that’s taking the most cheerful shit ever, Kaley Cuoco tells the magazine that before her week-long PRomance with Henry Cavill, she was a stranger bitch to many and after their trial contract expired, everybody suddenly knew her face. In the future, publicists trying to talk their clients into a fake relationship for attention, will bring up this quote from Kaley Cuoco and tell them that PRomances work for even the most basic of hos. They’ll follow it up by asking, “Now, do you want the Gyllenhaal or the Cooper?” Kaley spit this out about her 10 days with Superman:
“I had no one following me until I met Superman. I’ve been in this business for 20 years, and my whole life, I could go anywhere, do anything. There had not been one paparazzi photo of me until like several months ago. The recognition was crazy.”
Kaley Cuoco fame whoring her way onto our eyeballs isn’t the crazy part. The crazy part is that it’s been months since she held hands with Superman on the ho stroll and I’m still writing about her damn ass. This past weekend, I dropped half of my ice cream Drumstick on the patio floor and picked it up and ate it. That doesn’t disgust me as much as me being able to type Kaley Cuoco’s last name without Googling. What is wrong with me?
And Kaley also said that she reads comments about herself online:
“I started reading [the social media comments] and thought, Maybe I need to make more of an effort and not go out in my UGGs and be disgusting. So I started putting on makeup. And they started writing, ‘Wow, someone really likes being in front of the camera’ and ‘Her hair’s done now for coffee.’ I couldn’t do anything right. Why am I reading this stuff? But I’m obsessed. I openly admit to being totally insane about that.”
If she chopped off the “about that” part of the last sentence, I’d pat her on her stupid tattoo for summing herself up perfectly. Since there’s a chance that Kaley is reading this mess, let me tell her ass a really easy way to get hos to say she has never ever looked hotter. All she has to do is get a plain white t-shirt, pull out a Sharpie, write the exact measurements of Henry Cavill’s peen on it and wear it everywhere. Bonus points if she sketches a portrait of Superman’s peen on that back of that t-shirt.
“Desperate dumb fuck!” said Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Aniston in unison.
Superman’s former photo-op co-stroller Kaley Cuoco got engaged and married tennis player Ryan Sweeting within six months of meeting him face-to-face for the first time in both of their lives and she told David Letterman (via UsWeekly) last night that they both pressed the forward button on their relationship one second after their first date. Kaley Cuckoo claims that Ryan didn’t even know who she was and never saw the Big Bang Theory before they met on a blind date. Ryan flew into L.A. just for that blind date, so either she’s telling lies, he’s telling lies or he’s been hit in the head with a tennis ball one too many times, because everybody Googles a trick before a blind date, especially if they’re traveling for that shit.
Kaley told Letterman that she and Ryan instantly knew they were meant to be together forever and she took him home that night and he never left:
“We actually met on a blind date. I had never met him, and he had really never met me. He still tells me he had never seen the show, he didn’t know who I was.
He came to L.A. for a blind date — and he never left. We had been texting, we texted a little bit. Dinner was great, and then he moved in the next day. I know, it sounds so slutty, but it wasn’t! It all did move quite fast on paper, but we really did know…And I know you’re all thinking, ‘She’s nuts!’ I swear I’m not nuts. We just fell in love.”
Slutty? All of us slutty sluts should be highly offended! Moving a ho in the day after your first blind date is the complete opposite of slutty. Call it “beyond desperate,” “Hewitt-ey,” “stupid,” “crazy,” and “afraid of being FOREVER ALONE,” but I wouldn’t call it slutty. Every word that comes out of her mouth is like a hot pin stabbing into the rawest part of my nerves.
Everybody jokes about how lesbian and New Yorkers move in together fast (New Yorkers do it, because the rent is TOO DAMN HIGH), but they at least wait a couple of dates. But then again, if the dick is good (or my date’s name is Anderson Cooper), I’d move him in, give him my ATM passcode (joke’s on him when he tries to take out $200 and gets a slip with a laughing emoji on it) , let him eat from my stash of bacon jerky (not a euphemism) and I wouldn’t scream at him if he changed the channel from HGTV.
Here’s Kaley Cuckoo and her future ex-husband at LAX yesterday.
Obviously Ryan Sweeting, the poor sap who is legally obligated to fawn over Kaley Cuoco ’til imploding Hollywood marriage do they part, didn’t get the memo that NOBODY who isn’t saying something nice for PR’s sake is putting money on their marital bliss lasting.
Someone couldn’t have thrown a Magic 8 Ball his way? A Ouija board? A Google image of Johnny Depp’s “Wino Forever” tattoo? Their crazy uncle’s glass eye that he swears has magical powers? Anything Ryan could have used to look into the future to see that he should spend some of his kept boy toy allowance on a gift certificate for laser tattoo removal with an expiration date no more than a year away?
Someone once told me a story about an 18-year-old girl who got the name “Richard” tattooed on her inner thigh with an arrow pointing up toward her holla bits. At the very least, she should have had it say “Dick” so it would be universal for every guy that came after him (pun 100% intended).
Malin Akerman brings the T, you bring the shade.
While flipping channels last night, I stopped on CBS to watch the People’s Choice Awards and as soon as Malin Akerman popped up on my screen with her tits looking like two sick kids staring sadly out the window at the healthy kids playing in the front yard, I said “nope” to myself and kept it moving. Malin Akerman’s pocket hottie husband filed papers to legally quit her ass last month and I am all for dealing with a divorce by putting your chichis out, but this is not the way to do it. Bitch’s chichis look like they had a serious fight and the right one drew a line between them and told the left one to stay on its side of the chest. Aunt Sassy does not want this for you, Juna! (That’s a The Comeback reference for the three of you who watched that masterpiece.)
It looks like she put on her dress backwards, but the back of her dress is pretty much backless except for a long strip, so she didn’t wear it backwards. But she should’ve and slapped on some pasties that matched the fabric of her dress. It would’ve been a better look and I wouldn’t have the urge to organize a march or a rally to free her imprisoned titty balls.
Here’s tons of pictures from that shit last night. A tip: Just take your eyes to Kat Dennings’ powdered dough ball chichis and keep them there. Almost everything else is a wreck.
Watching this video of Kaley Cuoco’s wedding was a shit way to start out Day 2 of the kids’ school being closed due to Coldmageddon and what feels like Day 376 of having some kind of phlegmy plague. Kaley’s natural speaking voice is one step below “screeching drunk bitch at the bar” and hearing her up the exuberance to squeal about it being her wedding day makes me want to hunt her down and slap a piece of duct tape over her mouth. That’s a lot of excitement for a marriage that started with the bride wearing a dress the color of barfed up Pepto Bismol and will inevitably end before the year mark (I have $20 riding on it in the Dlisted office pool).
The video is pretty much a long ass commercial for Kaley’s hair and makeup artists and she looks nice but kind of same old, same old. At least she didn’t have any weird ass bangs this time like she did for the SAG Awards, but they don’t make a hairpiece big enough to cover her level of Try Hard.
Here are some pics of Kaley making artsy stuff and checking for zits at Color Me Mine Studio in Studio City the other day.