The Screen Actors Guild Awards was last night and as you know big things happened in diversity. (Well, hello #SAGsSoBlack) But as you also know in life, the good comes with the bad. And if you need further proof of the latter statement take a look at the nominees who walked the red carpet. While many actresses effortlessly slayed (I’m looking at you Rachel McAdams.. “And I’m looking at you, Lori Petty!” – Michael), others lost sense of the space-time continuum and common sense, showing up dressed like a Project Runway reject designed their gowns. The latter remark is best applied to actress Alicia Vikander who wore a long-sleeved, sparkly Louis Vuitton dress that bore a striking resemblance to the afghan on Roseanne’s couch. The dress just screams, “We were short on material while sewing this number” with its large patchwork of mismatched colors and unflattering large squares. Instead of shutting down questions, Alicia’s dress incited a lot more. I ask you, “When has gold and blue ever worked as a color combination?”
I’m sure the snooty fashion mavericks at Louis Vuitton convinced her on that wolf ticket of a dress by saying, “Darling! It’s gorgeous on you! What more can you ask for: chic and 70s-inspired? Voila!” And of course, because she’s obligated by contract as the face of Louis Vuitton to wear it, she fell for it. But I don’t blame Alicia because her thought process is technically hazy considering she’s at stage 10 of dickmatization courtesy of her, er, well-equipped boyfriend Michael Fassbender. Yes, she did nab an award for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Movie for her performance in The Danish Girl which is lovely. But I’m positive all she was concerned about was running back to her hotel room to get some Fassbender lovin.’ “Who cares about this God-forsaken borrowed dress,” Alicia mumbled to herself, statue clutched in her hand, as the elevator ascended back to her complimentary room. “I’m going to get plowed by the best of them as soon as I enter my room.”
My thoughts exactly, Alicia. My thoughts exactly.
For more of the horror show known as the red carpet, browse the slideshow below for WTF moments from some of your favorite actresses such as Nicole Kidman, Kaley Cuoco, Christina Hendricks, Laverne Cox, Rooney Mara, Kate Mara, January Jones, and many more.
When it was rumored that the entire cast of Friends was going to reunite, people who watched all of that shit religiously had the same reaction I would have if an It’s A Living reunion was announced. They squirted out a foamy stream of excitement. But it turns out it wasn’t really a reunion. They just sat at the same table and said words together at NBC’s tribute to James Burrows which taped in L.A. last night. Johnny Galecki, who dressed up like a snobby French gallery owner, posted a picture on Instagram of the cast of Friends with the cast of The Big Bang Theory. Matthew Perry isn’t in the picture because even he doesn’t want to be seen with Kaley Cuoco. No, Chandler’s in London doing some play, so he couldn’t make it.
Never mind that Courteney Cox’s transformation into the plastic baby of Pete Burns and Michael Jackson is almost complete, I don’t think I ever really noticed how much of a hot silver top daddy Matt LeBlanc is now. And seeing him behind Jim Parsons and David Schwimmer is giving me Joey/Ross/Sheldon gay spit roast fantasies.
This might be the first time Amber Heard is scrunching up her nose because she thinks it looks cute and not because her nose hairs are violently cringing at Johnny Depp’s stank. Mark it in your calendars!
The last time human cigarette butt Johnny Depp and his midlife crisis wife strolled down the red carpet, he left behind a toxic trail of rancid hair grease and stinky tooth fumes, and the red carpet died. It was tragic. I guess Johnny was afraid of a future class action lawsuit if he killed any more red carpets with his grossness, because he showed up to The Art of Elysium’s 9th annual HEAVEN Gala last night in Los Angeles looking clean and showered. I know, I can’t believe it either.
I have no idea how this happened. Maybe he accidentally slipped into a soapy bathtub. Maybe he took a tour of the EPA head office in Washington and wandered into a decontamination room on his way to the men’s room. Or maybe this is actually an alien disguised to look like Johnny Depp, but the only reference it had to go off of was a 15-year-old VHS copy of Chocolat. Yeah, that’s got to be it.
Since Johnny Depp took a temporary break (I’m sure he’ll be back to looking like the dirty reusable rag from a truck stop hand dryer in no time) from being the unofficial red carpet mess, Ed Westwick generously stepped up and filled in.
I have no idea why the douchey dude from Gossip Girl is dressed like “The Older One” from a late-90s boy band, but it’s happening. If I had to guess more about Ed’s boy band persona based off of this look, I’d say his nickname is either Shaydz or Sensual D, and his signature music video dance move is intensely staring into the camera while doing prayer hands.
Here’s more from last night’s Art of Elysium event, including some of special guest Vivienne Westwood, who legit looks like an alien and isn’t trying to hide it.
Kaley Cuoco quit her husband of 21 months Ryan Sweetsomethingoranother three months ago and in between fighting over money and other stuff, she found time to get herself a brand new piece. UsWeekly says that 30-year-old Kaley is humping on 46-year-old British actor Paul Blackthorne from Arrow and Lipstick Jungle (Never 4get Lipstick Jungle). Kaley recently posted that picture on Instagram of her wearing a t-shirt from Paul Blackthorne’s anti-poaching charity and she probably did it because he’s currently poaching her pussy.
The “insider” said these riveting words about Kaley and this Blackthorne dude:
“It’s new, but she’s really excited about it,” says an insider.
Adds the source, “Kaley’s doing great postdivorce.”
I’m sure a bunch of hating whores are rolling their eyes while saying, “That trick has always gotta be on a man.” Um, they obviously didn’t read what the insider said. The insider said that it’s NEW. It’s been three long months since Kaley broke up with her husband. You’d think that by now, she would’ve fast-tracked her divorce, married a new piece and already picked out their side-by-side grave sites for when they die after spending a lifetime together. Although, “new” to Kaley might mean that she’s engaged and has already tattooed the date that he touched her genitals onto her crotch.
But really, I won’t believe that these two are a thing until I see staged pictures of them holding hands in a grocery store parking lot.
And here’s pictures of Kaley’s new piece at the TCAs a few months ago.
After their marriage bit and swallowed the dust, Kaley Cuoco and her husband of a second Ryan Sweeting learned a lesson many of us hos already knew: It’s probably not the best idea to marry a trick and honor your “love” with a tattoo minutes after you touched genitals for the first time. Kaley got their wedding date inked into her back and Ryan got her name tattooed on his arm. As soon as I saw Kaley’s tattoo, my cynical ass figured that in the future she’d either have to laser it off or she’d have to marry her next husband on New Year’s or she’d have to cover that mess up with another tattoo. Kaley did the latter and today, she Instagrammed a picture of what she covered it up with. Her back now looks like an unfinished Silence of the Lambs poster. Buffalo Bill’s going to think that Kaley is flirting with him.
Kaley thanked the tattoo artiste who erased her wedding date from her back and also added that she got a moth tattoo because it got the job done:
Thank you @nero_sct @studiocitytattoo for helping me right my wrongs.. note to self- do not mark your body with any future wedding dates #under30mistakes #donttakeyourselftooseriouslykids
the deep, meaningful, larger than life meaning behind this beautiful piece of ink, is….. It covered the last one.
Moths are annoying and are attention whores who are always trying to hog up the light, so that tattoo is perfect! But really, I actually like it for 3 reasons. If you look at the bottom of the moth, it looks like a short dick with two wart-covered nuts. The best kind of tattoo is a tattoo that has a peen on it.
And here’s Kaley in Colonel Sanders cosplay at a dog charity event a few days ago:
In the 21 months they were married, Kaley Cuoco brought in millions upon millions of dollars since she reportedly makes $1 million an episode for The Big Bang Theory, and Ryan Sweeting probably brought in nothing but a half dozen couch farts since he allegedly spent most of his time popping pills while watching TV. Ryan is a pro tennis player but he didn’t really make any money during their marriage because injuries supposedly kept him from the court. So it makes sense that he wants Kaley to drop a lump of money into his checking account every month. The Gold Diggers Union better start printing out Ryan’s membership card.
Kaley filed for divorce on September 25th. E! says that Ryan recently responded to her filing by filing legal documents where he asked for spousal support and of course, let it be known that he doesn’t want to pay her any spousal support. In the divorce papers Kaley filed last month, she said that all property and spousal support shit was worked out in the prenup, which they signed a month before they got married. The prenup also states that Kaley and Ryan must pay their own legal fees, but he’s asked the court to shit on that clause. He wants Kaley to pay his legal fees too.
Screw a spousal support check! Ryan should fight Kaley for half of her entire fortune! He’d probably get it, because all he’d have to do is go to court and show the judge the ugly tattoo of her name he got inked into his arm. If that isn’t a clear cut sign of pain, suffering and humiliation, I don’t know what is.
Ryan Sweeting’s hair in that picture is a painful reminder of when I fried my hair while trying to relax it myself. My ends have never been the same again.
When Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting announced that they were divorcing after only 21 months of being married, I figured that they just got around to getting to know each other and decided that they hate each other. It happens. But a “source” tells UsWeekly (via The Daily Mail) that their marriage fell apart after he got addicted to dolls.
Apparently, Ryan had problems with pills long before he met Kaley, but he had sobered up before they had their first date. A few months after they met, Ryan, who’s a tennis player, injured his back and the doctor gave him painkillers. That fucked up his sobriety majorly and it probably didn’t help that Kaley made him watch The Big Bang Theory every week. The source claims that Ryan’s pill addiction came back and Kaley tried to get him into rehab, but when nothing worked she busted out some tough love and left him. The source said this:
“She supported him but she said he couldn’t make the commitment to get sober. He’d tell her he was working on it and instead go get wasted. She couldn’t fix him. He wasn’t the man she thought he was. It was also noted, She couldn’t take his ups and downs.’ And there were the fights. He’d lash out at her.”
This story is coming from sources with no faces, so it’s to be taken with an entire salt lick, but…. Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting did live in the same house that Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom lived in. Khloe and Lamar’s marriage ended in that house. Kaley and Ryan’s marriage ended in that house. Lamar got addicted to the bad shit. Ryan may be addicted to pills. That house is cursed! Since Tangina is longer here to clean that house, that house must be burned to the ground, the earth on which it stood should be salted and Khlozilla needs to be jailed for not warning Kaley about it!
Many of us spent our weekends with an ice pack on top of our heads, because we knocked a knot into our skulls when we fell over after reading the shocking news about how Kaley Cuoco’s marriage of 21 months threw itself into a casket. But well, Kaley isn’t sitting at home crying into a bowl of cake batter while Tinder swiping her way to her next quickie husband. Kaley is back in the saddle and yes, it’s only Monday and I already hate myself for making that pun.
No, that picture above isn’t Kaley kissing on her new rebound Trace Cyrus. That picture is of Kaley kissing on one of her horses who is a sneeze away from giving her a horse snot facial. Kaley spent the weekend mending her broken heart with horse love (and not in an Equus way, I think). Kaley competed in some horse-jumping event in La Cañada Flintridge, CA and she Instagrammed pictures of her horses including a picture of her divorce present to herself: a new horse named Zaza. Kaley was busy on Instagram, because when she wasn’t posting pictures of her horse friends, she was busy doing the social media version of cutting your man’s face out of pictures. Kaley erased Ryan Sweeting’s face from her Instagram page. Kaley also took off her wedding ring, so it seems like she’s happy to be done with Whatshisname. A source also tells People that before they broke up, Kaley and Ryan seemed like they hated each other, which sometimes happens when you a marry trick you’ve known for 5 seconds.
“The few times Kaley and Ryan were out together recently, the tension was noticeable. You could tell the honeymoon phase had ended. It seemed they were trying to work out their marriage by going on dates, but they both seemed miserable.”
Kaley will probably have a new fiancé by the end of the month, but she shouldn’t bother with human dudes when horse friends are much better. Yes, a horse is a freeloader as much as Ryan Sweeting is, but a horse lives somewhere else, won’t argue with you since it can’t speak human words and…and…and I better stop here before I write some gross crap that sounds like it was ripped out of Zoo.
Kaley Cuoco moved one-time pro tennis player Ryan Sweeting into her house after their first blind date, and three months later they were engaged, and three months after that they were married. Bitch was like a Jennifer Love Hewitt in heat. She was ready for that ring. Because they got married faster than a strict Catholic after finding out she’s knocked up, us bitter hating bitches gave the marriage a total of 11 months max. But well, Kaley and Ryan really showed us, because they lasted 21 months! I guess Kaley’s high from being a good old-fashioned little housewife ended, because her rep tells People that she and her man are getting divorced.
“Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting have mutually decided to end their marriage. They ask for privacy at this time. No further statement will be issued regarding this matter.”
I hope Kaley rebounds with her ex-pap stroller Henry Cavill, because I really miss their shameless STUNT QUEEN struts to the supermarket.
And well, Kaley got her wedding date (12/31/13) tattooed on her back, so I’m guessing she’s either going to be spending a little time with a laser in the near future or she’s hunting for a dude she can quickie marry on New Year’s Eve.
But seriously, it’s Fall and the Summer of Splits is still eating true love whole. Just this week we learned that Glenn Close is single and today we find out that Amanda Carrington AND Kaley Cuoco are getting a divorce. I’m just going to go ahead and take a wild guess and say that all these women are divorcing their dudes, because Jon Hamm is single and they want to spend all their free time trying to catch the Hammaconda. I don’t blame them.
Here’s Kaley and her future ex-husband at some event last month.
You know you’re a legend-in-the-making when you roll up to the SAG Awards and serve up a hot slice of red carpet eleganza better than the SAG Awards red carpet itself. I bet the red carpet spent the rest of the night hissing “That bitch stole my look!” to anyone who would listen before finally accepting the fact that Lupita Nyong’o did it better. Bitch color-coordinated her dress to everything around her! That’s commitment.
Yes, technically Lupita’s dress is a typical fancy awards show dress, but it also sort of looks like what I imagine Beetlejuice’s prom date wore to the Netherworld High prom, or a piece of avant-garde Christmas wrapping paper. Lupita’s dress looks like the curtains Maria would use to make power suits for the von Trapp children if they ever remade The Sound of Music and set it in 1984. But more than anything, it reminds me a piece of goth Fruit Stripe gum, and I love it, because I love goths and I love Fruit Stripe gum.
Also, it’s got one of those huge-ass skirts you can sit with your legs wide open in all night and won’t show wine stains, which always gets two ketchup chip crumb-covered thumbs up from a slob like me.
Here’s more of Lupita working it out on the red carpet, as well as Emma Stone (whose shady goth real estate agent dress tried to take out Naomi Watts), a My Little Victoria Pony-looking Lorelei Linklater, Laverne Cox who – as usual – did Beyonce better than Beyonce, and everyone else: