You know you’re a legend-in-the-making when you roll up to the SAG Awards and serve up a hot slice of red carpet eleganza better than the SAG Awards red carpet itself. I bet the red carpet spent the rest of the night hissing “That bitch stole my look!” to anyone who would listen before finally accepting the fact that Lupita Nyong’o did it better. Bitch color-coordinated her dress to everything around her! That’s commitment.
Yes, technically Lupita’s dress is a typical fancy awards show dress, but it also sort of looks like what I imagine Beetlejuice’s prom date wore to the Netherworld High prom, or a piece of avant-garde Christmas wrapping paper. Lupita’s dress looks like the curtains Maria would use to make power suits for the von Trapp children if they ever remade The Sound of Music and set it in 1984. But more than anything, it reminds me a piece of goth Fruit Stripe gum, and I love it, because I love goths and I love Fruit Stripe gum.
Also, it’s got one of those huge-ass skirts you can sit with your legs wide open in all night and won’t show wine stains, which always gets two ketchup chip crumb-covered thumbs up from a slob like me.
Here’s more of Lupita working it out on the red carpet, as well as Emma Stone (whose shady goth real estate agent dress tried to take out Naomi Watts), a My Little Victoria Pony-looking Lorelei Linklater, Laverne Cox who – as usual – did Beyonce better than Beyonce, and everyone else:
American Treasure Betty White Won A People’s Choice Award And Was Escorted To The Stage By Captain America
I’m sure my 94-year-old neighbor Mrs. Lee saw this tender moment between Betty White and Chris Evans at the 2015 People’s Choice Awards and was like “Oh, that Spider Man – such a gentleman” (because everyone is Spider Man to grandma types).
Because I stopped giving my brain exercise a long time ago, I watched the People’s Choice Awards last night. Or at least as much as my brain could handle, till it began screaming “ENOUGH!!!” and made me change the channel to something more mentally stimulating, like Pick A Puppy. But what I did see was 93-year-old life legend and sassy lil’ slice of lemon meringue pie Betty White accepting the award for Favorite TV Icon (how kind of Bruce Jenner to decline the award and give it to the next in line). Of course, an icon like Betty should never walk anywhere without a hot entourage, so hot hottie Chris Evans popped out of his seat and escorted her to the stage. Not shown: what I assume was at least 50 other dudes behind him fighting over the privilege of offering their arm to one of the Golden Girls.
But it wasn’t all about Betty. How rude, I know. Other people took home awards too, including 2014’s version of Jenna Elfman Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting for Favorite Comedic TV Actress, The Big Bang Theory for Favorite TV Show and Favorite Network TV Comedy, Melissa & Joey for Favorite Cable TV Comedy (wait, WHAT?), Tay Tay Swift and her BFF Ed Sheeran as Favorite Female and Male Artist, and Maleficent for Favorite Movie. Unfortunately, Angelina Jolie couldn’t be there in person to accept her award, because she was too busy working miracles for the Pope in Italy. You can see the whole list of winners is here, if you need that in your life.
Sadly, Betty didn’t walk the red carpet before or after the show (probably because a true icon gives the poor 2s and 3s of the world a moment in the spotlight every once in a while), but everyone else did, so here’s all the famous types from the People’s Choice awards, including Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting wearing some kind of sheer-paneled classy/slutty jumpsuit culottes thing, Anna Faris looking like a fancy Vegas bride, and Kat Dennings working that A+ goth brothel madame game:
Kaley Cuoco Wants You To Know That Stuff She Said About Feminism In Redbook Was Taken Out Of Context
Oh, here we go. It’s only the second day of 2015, and already a famous type is back-pedaling on comments they made in 2014. Earlier this week, an interview between busted butter-haired Big Bang Theory billionaire Kaley Cuoco and Redbook sort of made the eyebrows of the internet raise up in a “you want me to grab you a dictionary?” way when she answered the question of whether or not she consider herself a feminist by saying, no, she’s not, because she likes cooking dinner for her husband. Well, I guess she was tired of people sending her Why Not Both memes, because yesterday she took to Instagram to clarify that what she said about feminism wasn’t actually what she said:
Meanwhile, all the ladies in sensible shoes at Redbook just added the name KALEY CUOCO to their Two-Faced Skanks Who Done Did Redbook Dirty list. Nobody throws Redbook under the bus! “I don’t care if she does have a flattering hair cut – she’ll never describe her favorite way to unwind after a long day in Redbook again! Let Women’s World have her.”
And I’m still not sure what Kaley is trying to say, but I’m glad she did it this time without using lyrics from a Taylor Swift song. My brain thanks you, Kaley!
Sorry, it’s not Kaley Cuoco – it’s Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting. Ah, the Hollywood Hyphen; almost as terrible an idea as getting your piece’s name tattooed on you (but not quite). For some reason, Kaley Cucoco is on the cover of this month’s Redbook looking like the sassiest most-helpful manager at an Ann Taylor LOFT outlet store, and inside she’s channeling that chick in your office who begins every conversation with “The hubs and I…” (ie: “The hubs and I made chili this weekend! The hubs loves his chili“). Redbook asked Kaley the #1 question every famous female type was asked in 2014 – if she considered herself to be a feminist – and according to Kaley, she’s not a feminist because she’s too busy cooking dinner for her husband, tennis player Ryan Sweeting:
“Is it bad if I say no? It’s not really something I think about. Things are different now, and I know a lot of the work that paved the way for women happened before I was around… I was never that feminist girl demanding equality, but maybe that’s because I’ve never really faced inequality. I cook for Ryan five nights a week: It makes me feel like a housewife; I love that. I know it sounds old-fashioned, but I like the idea of women taking care of their men. I’m so in control of my work that I like coming home and serving him. My mom was like that, so I think it kind of rubbed off.”
I don’t want to get all Inigo Montoya here, but I don’t think that word means what she thinks it means. Unless Kaley knows of a secret definition for feminist that says something about a feminist being one who does not prepare evening foodstuffs for a male person. In which case I’m fucked, because I love cooking dinner for people (those with peens and vageens) all the time. Especially a tasty little number I like to call Beefaroni Casserole Surprise. Surprise! It’s just a can of Beefaroni in a casserole dish.
Here’s more of Kaley working some of that sexy catalogue casual realness in Redbook:
For the past 4 days, Superman’s former contract ho and current Big Bang Theory billionaire Kaley Cuoco has been throwing up hospital selfies on Instagram in honor of her recent sinus surgery. Usually whenever a famous type checks in to the hospital for “sinus surgery”, that usually means they’re getting a new nose. And it wouldn’t be that shocking if Kaley Glencoco got some cosmetic snout work done, since she’s been pretty honest about that time she got her titties put in. HOWEVER, Kaley wants the haters to take whatever shady side-eye they threw at the words “sinus surgery” and stuff it up their ass, because she didn’t get the Ashlee Simpson Special:
Normally if I saw a famous type bragging about their sinus surgery on Instagram, I’d also be hand-delivering a “yeah, sure” set of raised eyebrows, but I believe Kaley Cuoco when she says she didn’t get a nose job. Kaley is an incredibly proficient aspiring attention snatcher, so if Kaley got a nose job, you’d know it. There would be 12 paps waiting for her as she entered a building marked PLASTIC SURGERY CLINIC, 9 Instagram selfies of her and her doctor captioned “love my surgeon! #nosejob #blessed #newnose“, and a soft-focus picture of her gently holding her nose on the cover of UsWeekly with the headline “MY NOSE JOB JOY!”
Here’s more of Kaley recovering from her NOT nose job surgery, and wearing a thick white bandage under her nose that sort of makes her look like a young Wilford Brimley, right?
Ah, the People Magazine Awards! What better place to oil up your titties and half-cover them in a beaded onesie. Yes, Jennifer Lopez is wearing a beaded onesie – don’t worry, I have many questions about that too. Just thinking about all that all-over beading is giving me flashbacks to my figure skating years (all 7 of which are deeply embarrassing), along with the feeling of prickly sequins scraping against bare skin and the taste of wet mittens and hairspray in my mouth. Thanks JLo.
I’m not sure I’m feeling whatever it is JLo is serving up here. Don’t get me wrong, JLo always looks hot, it’s just that there is a lot going on, and all of it is making me do Target Lady face. First off, what is going on with her shoulderpads? It looks like she’s got two extra-thick Cuchinis stuck in there. Second, why is she so Kardashian in the face? And my follow-up question to that is, why is her hairline 10 shades darker than the rest of her face? Finally, JLo needs to go easy on the body glitter. I had an old roommate who was obsessed with Urban Decay Sparkling Lickable Body Powder (bitch went through a box a week, I’m serious) and even she would be looking at JLo’s disco ball arms like “Too much.”
“But what about me?” cried JLo’s thirsty extensions. Aw, you’re ok. Any hair that looks like it was cut off an old Cut N’ Style Barbie doll is fine by me.
Here’s more of JLo looking like a sexy back-up dancer from The Brady Bunch Variety Hour, as well as a bunch of other famous types at the People Magazine Awards, including The Hammaconda’s human handler Jon Hamm, Kate Hudson – who seems to think she’s at the Golden Globes, and the definition of a People Magazine Awards attendee Kaley Cuoco:
If the commercial for Quaker Oatmeal Swirlers has taught me anything, it’s that the only way to dress up a boring bowl of oatmeal is to throw a bunch of shit on it, which is why Kaley Glencoco decided to leave her yoga class in Studio City last night wearing a giant mess of Hobby Lobby-looking fake flowers on her head. I know silk flowers are the definition of budget, but those flowers are jacked. That crown couldn’t have cost any more than $2.99, and that’s including the gas it took to drive to the store and back (I guess she’s getting paid that $90 million in instalments). But I will say this: I am very happy to see that the handmade wreath that hung on my crafty-ass neighbour’s front door in the Spring of 1993 didn’t end up buried in her basement under a damp one-eyed mop doll and a box full of busted sand candles.
And if you live in California and woke up to the toxic smell of burning plastic, it was just the result of Lana Del Rey, Vanessa Hudgens, the ghost of Frida Kahlo, Ozma from Oz, Princess Paw Paw, and every hipster who attended Coachella in the past 3 years meeting behind the parking lot of an Urban Outfitters and collectively setting fire to their floral headbands to mark the official death of the flower headband trend.
The grandmas of the world who have been begging the Gods to save their favorite show while kneeling in front of their Jim Parsons saint candles can stop and get up, because their prayers were answered! Production on season 8 of The Big Bang Theory is supposed to start on August 6th, but as of yesterday, it didn’t seem like that was going to happen, because the show’s three main stars, Johnny Galecki (aka forever David from Roseanne to me), Jim Parsons and Henry Cavill’s former STUNT QUEEN partner Kaley Cuoco held hands and refused to show up to work if CBS didn’t drop a mountain of money on their heads. CBS should’ve fired their asses and replaced Johnny Galecki with DJ Connor, Jim Parsons with Estelle Parsons and Kaley Cuoco with Crystal Anderson-Connor (Basically, I want The Big Bang Theory to completely Roseanne-ize itself). But CBS didn’t do that. They showed them the money instead.
Johnny, Kaley and Jim made $325,000 an episode last season, but they asked for Friends money for season 8 and they got it. Deadline says that Johnny, Kaley and Jim will sign on for three more seasons of The Big Bang Theory and in return they’ll get $1 million per episode. Three seasons = 72 episodes = $72 million EACH. They also got a bump in their ownership of the show, so when you add that to the $72 million, they’ll make at least $90 million by 2017. If the show continues to make a lot of money in syndication, that $90 million will turn into $100 million. Basically, we’re all living in a world where Kaley Fucking Cuoco is making more money than REAL TV legends like Joan Collins, Morgan Fairchild and Heather Locklear combined.
Deadline says that the show’s other original cast members, Simon Helberg and Kunal Nayyar, are still working out their deals and they’ll definitely get a raise, but they won’t be shitting out solid gold bars like Johnny, Kaley and Jim.
With Parsons, Galecki and Cuoco signed on and co-stars Melissa Rauch and Mayim Bialik already on board for Season 8 after renegotiating their contracts last fall, the focus is on wrapping negotiations with the last remaining original cast members, Simon Helberg and Kunal Nayyar, before the table read planned for Wednesday. I hear the two are close and there is a possibility for them to reach new deals today though there have been some bumps in the back-and-forth.
I’m all for #getmoneybitches getting more money, but $90 million?! CBS knows they’re not actual experimental physicists and shit, right?
And if Kaley’s husband Ryan Sweeting didn’t sign a prenup, he’s the real winner here. Who knew that the mess who tattooed Kaley’s name into his arm after knowing her for three seconds could turn out to be the gold digging icon of the decade?
DUH! Of course the house is cursed! You don’t have to be Father Karras to know that anything touched by, breathed on, owned by, looked at, sat on, or birthed out of a Kardashian had been marked by Satan. He and Kris Jenner are like a recently-engaged couple enthusiastically scanning shit at Bed Bath & Beyond for their bridal registry. Kaley Glencoco should have known better than to buy anything that used to belong to a Kardashian; the term “damaged goods” exists for a reason.
Back in January, Kaley Cuoco dropped nearly $6 million in Big Bang Theory dollars (they’re like regular dollars, but they come with the shame of knowing how you earned them) on the home Khloe Kardashian’s marriage to Lamar Odom died in. Now 3 months later, InTouch is saying that a source claims Kaley and her husband Ryan Sweeting have taken a proactive approach to cleansing their home of all the bad divorce juju that it came with:
“Kaley and Ryan hired a feng shui expert to restore the positive energy. Kaley doesn’t want their future affected by anything left behind.”
And unless one of the things left behind was a crack pipe that Ryan picks up and stuffs with crack, there’s nothing from Khloe and Lamar’s busted marriage that will cause Kaley and Ryans to do the same. Besides, cursed home or not, their relationship got the kiss of death the second Kaley got the date of her wedding tattooed on her back.
Attention screenwriters: this is your next Captain Phillips. Get writing.
It looks like the attention she got from her fake haircut scored high enough on the Publicity-O-Meter, because Kaley Glencoco (who you may know as Penny from The Big Bang Theory, or “Who??” from everywhere else) has gone ahead and extended the 15 minutes of that first stunt by chopping off all her hair for real this time. I know, turn off the CNN; this is more important.
– The inspiration came from her fake haircut, which she quote – “fell in love with”
– Kaley had to wait for shooting to wrap on TBBT Tuesday night before she cut her hair Wednesday morning
– She was “extremely excited” for her new look
There you have it. That’s all we know for now, but hopefully more information will be released soon (I’m sure The Guardian will bring us frequent updates). And praise be Dorito jesus that she went with a bob and didn’t get bangs; I don’t think I have the self control needed not to make a corny ‘Big BANGS Theory’ joke.
Here’s the first round of hair cut pictures in what will no doubt be a series of 20 (or until Kaley cooks up something else for publicity, like resting her hand on her stomach). At first glance, I honestly thought her stylist was Leann Rimes, but then I remembered that no sane person would ever let Leann Rimes near a pair of scissors.