Category: JWoww

JWoww Is Getting Divorced From Her Husband Of Three Years

September 28, 2018 / Posted by:

During the first season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation that aired earlier this year, The Situation proposed to his girlfriend Lauren Pesce (sadly, she did not replace “yes” with “it would be my honor to join you in this life-long situation” before fist pumping her ring in the air). Little did we know that among the clouds of romance and self-tanner spray spray, that while one marriage was beginning, another Jersey Shore marriage had ended.

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The “Jersey Shore” Cast Isn’t Exactly Happy About “Floribama Shore”

November 6, 2017 / Posted by:

Like covers of “Imagine,” that “Melrose Place” reboot and fanny packs, sometimes it’s best to just let the original speak for itself…and never try to revive it. So when word got out that the same production team behind Jersey Shore were heading to the Florida Panhandle to revive it in the form of Floribama Shore, some people thought that might not work. Especially the original Jersey Shore wrecks cast. Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By Baddie Winkle Showing The Young Tricks How It’s Really Done

August 29, 2016 / Posted by:

Former HSOTD Baddie Winkle has come a long way! Just a couple of years ago, she was bestowing her wisdom on home wrecking, the good shit and being a slut to her growing number of disciples, and yesterday, she was the biggest star at the MTV VMAs. That last part was served without a sliver of sarcasm in it. She truly was the biggest star there. Fun fact: That carpet wasn’t white before Baddie stepped on it. As soon as she sashayed in, everyone busted bright white nuts all over the place.

When Baddie Winkle showed up to the VMAs in Britney’s Toxic catsuit and a Liberace-approved pimp cane, a few hating haters I follow on Twitter spewed out shit like, “Madonna is up to her old tricks again.” Well, I never! How dare they! Baddie Winkle is a true original and only she can work the hell out of a pimp cane and a jumpsuit that looks like it’s covered with a unicorn’s syphilis rash. Besides, Baddie’s look is more like, “Phyllis Diller after dropping acid with Miley Cyrus at a circus-themed rave on the outskirts of Las Vegas,” and that IS the look.

Here’s more of the hottest trick at the VMAs, and I also threw in a few pictures of my other favorite looks of the night including Ansel Elgort looking like a patient in the Hot Topic Insane Asylum and a goth mannequin they tell me is JWoww. Although, I am pretty sure it’s really a creation that Dr. Frankenstein made using the DNA of Kat Von D and Morticia Addams. It’s Morticia Von D!

Pics: Wenn.com

JWoww Treated Herself To A Post-Baby Boob Job

February 12, 2015 / Posted by:

The humanoid silicone space goddess known to us mere mortals as JWoww recently revealed on her blog (via People) that she treated herself to a boob tune-up. JWoww says that her boob job journey began 10 years ago when she was inspired by her “girl crush” Carmen Electra to get a fake pair of 34F tits installed in her chest.

Unfortunately, shortly after the birth of her daughter Meilani, her gorgeous plastic titties became all warped and fucked up from breastfeeding. Obviously JWoww would never, ever want to look like a pile of messy plastic surgery, so she went back to her doctor and had him swap out her old busted boob inserts with some brand new 34Fs (seen above, looking like a pair of over-inflated Pogo Balls).

JWoww says that thanks to her amazing doctor, her tits still have a “soft, natural look to them”, which leads me to believe that JWoww’s home was built on the site of an old abandoned Fun House and she might want to call the New Jersey equivalent of the Ghostbusters, because clearly all her mirrors are now haunted.

But this isn’t the last time JWoww’s boobs will be replaced. She says that after she’s done breastfeeding her second child (that doesn’t currently exist, but she’s apparently trying to make happen), she’ll swap out her busted beach ball tits for brand new ones once again. And good news for any of you who are looking at JWoww’s plastic chichis and thinking “Hmm…that is some truly exquisite craftsmanship“, she’s linked to her doctor’s Twitter and Facebook on her blog.

I’m glad JWoww is upgrading her titties and all, but I’m a little concerned about that comment she made about Carmen Electra being the reason she got fake ones in the first place. As someone who bought all 5 volumes of Carmen Electra’s Fit To Strip on DVD 10 years ago, I’m starting to think Carmen Electra has some kind of psychic mind control power we’re not aware of. I’m on to you, Carmen!

Pic: Instagram

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JWoww’s Baby Didn’t Do That To Herself

January 25, 2015 / Posted by:

Her mother did. Jersey Shore refuse JWoww and her husband Roger Mathews must have already watched everything on their DVR.  The hours can feel like centuries sometimes, can’t they? So they decided to torment the future version of their daughter Meilani by dressing her baby self up to look like more Jersey Shore refuse. Cuz’ we need that/ You keep your eye on them in case they try to leave while I call Child Protective Services.

In a come-to-life PSA against drinking and parenting, JWoww explained on her blog (via E!) that they were trying to figure out which one of them their daughter most resembled.

“Roger decided to give Meilani a baby beard, faux hawk, and a muscle-tee so she would look like him,” JWoww wrote on her blog earlier this week. “But then we gave her some hair extensions, fake boobs and some hot pink sunglasses and she definitely looks more like me! LMAO!”

Fun! In this case, “LMAO” should be translated as “Leave Meilani Alone, Oafs.” It all worked out in the end, though.

“Just kidding, we decided that our baby is the perfect combo of both mommy and daddy!!!”

Not sure “perfect” is the descriptor I would go with on this one. I’d rather you photograph your baby posing with a gun or right up against the lion cage at the zoo than doing this to her. There’s just no need.

You can check out the “Roger” version of their unfortunate child below. I’ve also included some pics of Roger in Miami from back in November. Why? It hurts my soul (and I’m assuming yours) to admit that I’d let him spelunk in my crevasse. What can I say? I have a douche fetish.

Photo credit: Splash

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Snooki Got Married And Her Wedding Was The Understated Elegant Affair You’d Expect It To Be

November 30, 2014 / Posted by:

That lady in the front making a “Fuck this shit, where’s the open bar?” face is all of us.

At the St. Rose of Lima Catholic church in East Hanover, NJ yesterday, history was made when an Ewok married a juicehead gorilla. It was a major event for interspecies marriage activists. 27-year-old Snooki married her 27-year-old two-time baby father Jionni LaValle in a Catholic church while wearing white. So that rumble you heard yesterday wasn’t only from your stomach continuing to die a slow death after being filled with Stove Top and gallons of the sweet nectar. That rumble was also the sound of a thousand Catholic abuelitas collapsing to the floor from the ESCANDALOSONESS of it all.

UsWeekly says that the Chilean Ewok’s bridesmaids party included elegant Thundercat JWoww and Danny DeVito impersonator Deena Cortese. Pauly D was also there, but who knows about the other Jersey Shore messes. UsWeekly also says that Snooki wore two gowns, one of which looked like something straight out of Say Fuck No To The Dress. It’s a bridal nightmare that made her look like an Ewok mermaid drowning in a swamp of merengue.

Snooki and Jionni’s reception went down at the Venetian in Garfield, NJ and it was a Great Gatsby theme. I wonder how many times Snooki screamed, “No, you fricken moron, Great Gatsby is that Leonardo DiCaprio movie! It’s not a book!” after someone said to her, “Oh, I didn’t know you were a fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s book.” I know, nobody said that to her. We all know she can’t read.

But seriously, who knew that Snooki would turn out to be the normal, stable and semi-sane one from Jersey Shore. It seemed like it was just yesterday when she was pissing on the floor of a bar. Now she’s all grown up and marrying her future ex-husband in front of MTV’s cameras (Snooki can’t take a shit without them, so I’m guessing they were there). Fame whores usually never grow up, so it’s shocking when one does.

And since you can never have too much grace and sophistication in one post, here’s what Snooki’s bridal heels looked like:

snookibridalshoes2014

There’s really something poetic about Snooki getting married in shoes that look like bedazzled mold.

Pics: Splash, SnookiNicole.com, Instagram

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