Damn, those eyes! If Justin Timberlake ever decides to switch careers and get into cult leadership, we’re in trouble. Those are some “Come try this delicious punch I just made” eyes. Anyways, enough about what’s going on in those crazy eyes and more about what’s going on in Jessica Biel’s baby pouch.
Last week, InStyle Editor-in-Chief Ariel Foxman accidentally announced (then quickly deleted) that Jessica Biel has a fetus living rent-free in her womb, and now Us Weekly is chiming in as well by saying that, yes, Jessica Biel is in fact knocked up. Us Weekly says that several blabbermouths have confirmed that Justin Timberlake put his dick in her box, said “Iiiiii wanna see you out that door, baby bye bye bye” to his fastest ramen noodle-haired sperm, and now Jessica Biel is knocked up with his high-energy offspring. One of the sources says:
“Right now they are just enjoying the news for themselves. They just want a happy baby.“
They just want a happy baby? Good luck with that. Unless Baby Timby is given a complimentary pair of noise-cancelling headphones at the hospital, I give it 0.3 seconds before Justin’s high-pitched dog whistle voice lullabies give it a permanent case of Grumpy Cat NO face.
Neither Justin’s rep (Joey Fatone) nor Jessica’s rep (the dog from 7th Heaven) have commented on the existence of said Timberfetus, probably because they’re waiting for a fat check from People, but we do know when the baby is due:
Lordy, I’ll show myself out for that one. But for real though, Justin probably planned that shit on purpose. “Jessica, hurry up and ovulate! ‘It’s gonna be June’ doesn’t work!“
The Editor-In-Chief Of InStyle Might Have Let It Slip That Jessica Biel Is Knocked Up With A Timberfetus
After appearing in public looking like she might have a timberbun in the oven and sources “claiming” that she’s currently renting her womb to a high-energy ramen-haired fetus, it seems like there’s a good chance Justin Timberlake might actually have gotten Jessica Biel pregnant. But like all good Hollywood attention-humpers, they’re won’t be ready to announce it until a six-figure check from People makes its way into their hands first.
Unfortunately, one of Jessica’s thunder-stealing friends might have broke the news before they got the chance to do it themselves on a magazine cover. According to Us Weekly, the Editor-in-Chief of InStyle Ariel Foxman posted a picture of Jessica and himself at the 2012 premiere of Total Recall to Instagram on Thursday with the caption: “Congrats @jessicabiel on your impending motherhood. Looking forward to the red carpet maternity style pix to come.” Then I guess he received a visit from Justin’s hired muscle Joey Fatone advising him to make that shit disappear, because he yanked the picture down and set his profile to private.
So who knows? Maybe Ariel Foxman isn’t actually tight with Jessica Biel, and he was simply assuming that if she looked knocked up she must be knocked up. Or maybe he’s just legitimately excited to see what a pregnant Jessica Biel stuffed into a gown will look like. Or maybe Ariel Foxman and Jessica Biel are frenemies from way back, and this is all Ariel’s way of exacting revenge for the time Jessica did him dirty by stealing his look or his man or something! That sly fox-man laid in wait for the opportunity for some devastating retribution, and what better way than stealing someone’s pregnancy announcement thunder? Oh Ariel, you sneaky bitch, you!
I’m sure you’re like “Punk’d? How current. What’s next, a BREAKING story from the set of Pimp My Ride?“, but honestly, this story is worth traveling back in time to 2003. Dust off your Von Dutch trucker hat and grab a Pepsi Twist (remember that shit? It was like drinking cola-flavored Pledge), it’s time to talk about that time Justin Timberlake threatened to fight Dax Shepard during the filming of Punk’d!
During an interview with WTF with Marc Maron (via Uproxx), Kristen Bell’s husband admitted that he used to be a bit of a rage case and get into fights a lot. Ashton Kutcher knew this when he hired him for MTV’s Punk’d, and he warned him that no matter how messy shit might get with a celebrity during a prank (like if the person being pranked can’t take a joke and turns Punk’d into Punch’d), he wasn’t allowed to fight back. Ashton doesn’t have that kind of insurance, brah! Dax says it was never really a problem, since most people laughed it off when they found out it was all a joke. Except for one very butthurt boybander named Justin Timberlake, who wanted to whoop a trick, NSYNC-style.
So, Madge’s original parts turned 56 years old yesterday and to celebrate her born day, Justin Timberlake tweeted (and quickly deleted) this message to her ass:
If you’re squinting at that tweet and thinking to yourself that JT just outed Madge as a Juggalo, that’s not what he meant. Mother chucking ninja = Motherfucking nigga. Some hos (read: suburban skater boys who hang outside of malls and Goopy Paltrow) substitute the word “ninja” for the n-word, because it’s a “safe” way of saying the n-word without saying the n-word. The screeching Ramen noodle wedge who is single-handedly responsible for stretching out Jessica Biel’s 15 minutes quickly hit the delete button on that tweet, but by then, dozens of people had already RT’d it and began pulling out his Keratin-straightened locks by the root. Who knows if Madge saw the tweet, but I’m sure JT will tell it to her face the next time he sees her and she’ll reply by saying, “#thanksmynigga!” And yes, she’ll say hash tag out loud, because Madge is the kind of cool mom who says “hash tag” out loud.
And I’m sure JT and Madge will respond to the outrage on Twitter by tweeting a picture of them throwing mothers while in warrior gear. Yes, that’s what he meant by “mother chucking ninja.”
Lindsay Lohan’s snatch has probably seen more peen than the Scientology glory hole on John Travolta’s birthday (yes, potent jealousy oozed out of my finger pores when I typed that), so when I read that she made a fuck list of the 36 famous dicks that have visited her freckled crotch carniceria at least once, I thought to myself, “Only 36?!” LiLo needs to step up her star fucker game, because I would’ve guessed that her celebrity fuck list would be longer than a Jonathan Franzen novel or had just three words on it: ALL OF THEM.
InTouch Weekly claims that on a night in January 2013, LiLo and her friends were getting drunk at a bar in the Beverly Hills Hotel and she made a list of every piece of famous (or semi-not-really famous) ass she’s had. The source shat this out:
“They were giggling and talking shit about people in the industry. It was her personal conquest list. She was trying to impress her friends with the list and then tossed it aside. The list has some pretty big names on it, and they’re not all single guys. This getting out now could rock several Hollywood relationships to the core.”
And LiLo just so happened to have a Scattergories (more like Scatterwhories, no, I don’t know what that means) score sheet on her to write the list on.
On the list is PC Valmorbida, Joaquin Phoenix, Nico Tortorella, Evan Peters, Wilmer Valderrama, Jamie Burke, Jamie Dornan, Zac Efron (coke really does make you do some fucked up shit), Justin Timberlake, Colin Farrell, Heath Ledger, Ryan Rottman, Max George, Guy Berryman, James Franco and Adam Levine.
InTouch didn’t burp out all of the names, because they’re milking this. In their next issue, they will reveal more names including the name of a really rich and newly engaged TV star (Charlie Sheen, duh), a newly single A-lister and an Oscar-winning actress’ ex-husband.
If that list is real and it isn’t a figment of LiLo’s coked-up imagination, her pussy should clap for itself, because there’s some hot pieces on that list. And speaking of the clap, the Beverly Hills free clinic would like to see every dude on this list, except for Adam Levine and Colin Farrell since those two sluts are already VIP patients.
Even though Jimmy Fallon’s rapping makes these two look like Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, he still decided to cap off The Tonight Show’s Parade of Stars week by rapping The History of Rap Pt. 5 with his bff Justin Timberlake. And I’m giving it zero stars, two thumbs down, and a sour-looking pissed-off face because it left me disappointed and crestfallen. YES, CRESTFALLEN. No Addams Groove? No Ninja Rap? NO TOP THAT??? It should be considered a Class 4 Felony to exclude Top That from a historical account of rap. You’d think that by the fifth time around they’d have worked through the filler like Biggie Smalls and NWA and gotten to the real underground shit (or maybe he’s saving it for Brian Williams? Fingers crossed).
YAAASSSS!!! Taco Bell is finally getting the A-list respect it deserves! Nothing says ‘Congratulations’ like the reward of 2 Doritos Locos tacos, nachos supreme, and a 24oz Mountain Dew Baja Blast, and apparently Justin Timberlake agrees. After taking home 3 People’s Choice Awards last night, Justin decided to celebrate his winnings in the same way I celebrate my cellphone company turning my phone back on by taking the party to Taco Bell and posting a picture to Instagram.
Now, we all know that Justin’s b-hole is probably too precious for the asshole-tearing that is Taco Bell Meat-Style Filling™, so I don’t believe for a damn minute that he ate anything from Taco Bell besides a Diet Pepsi and a packet of mild Border Sauce. I doubt he’s built up the tolerance needed to handle Taco Bell without shitting your pants. I mean, I have, but my training involved eating it at least once a week for a year. I could walk into a Taco Bell in the middle of Kansas (where they pronounce it tay-koes), watch them assemble my food with items pulled from a box labeled with a question mark, and not spend a moment on the toilet. I believe that’s called ‘living the dream’.
Regardless, Justin seemed to have a good time riding high off taco farts and freedom at Taco Bell, since he left his boring-ass bowl of Cream of Wheat wife, Jessica Biel, at home; but he was kind enough to acknowledge her during his acceptance speech:
“I’d like to thank all the fans who voted. I’ll take it — people’s champ, I love it. And I’d like to thank my beautiful wife for teaching me patience and the little things like just putting the dishes in the dish washer. It goes a long way — fellas, you’re welcome!”
Isn’t it cute when rich people act like they know what a dishwasher is? As if they don’t have a disgruntled Eastern European housekeeper who silently curses in Polish under her breath every time she finds a 3-day old bowl of Lucky Charms in the den. I bet JT hasn’t loaded a dishwasher since his ‘N Sync days, and even then, something tells me Chris Kirkpatrick was the dishwasher if the group (he had to do something, right?)
The New York Times (via EOnline) says Bruno Mars was named the most illegally downloaded artist of 2013 with nearly 5.8 million downloads. The runner up was Rihanna with 5.4 million, followed by Daft Punk with 4.2 million and Mr. Jessica Biel with 3.9 million.
I had to Wiki Bruno and what he released in 2013 because he lost me with that “catch a grenade fuh yuhhhh” song a few years ago. That shit was the musical version of a drug-resistant strain of herpes; it was EVERYDAMNWHERE. Going through the list, it would seem Joe Francis, Woody Allen and Roman Polanski could have been responsible for at least some of those downloads, thanks to Bruno’s creepy little ditty called “Young Girls“.
Jessica Biel may be getting tired of being Mrs. Justin Timberlake. Wait- or is it the other way around? He’s tired of being Mr. Jessica Biel? I’m still not 100% on who wears the pants with these two. Anyway, Radar is reporting that Jessica’s notable absence from both the rehearsal and after party for his SNL gig, along with his missing wedding ring while on tour means their marriage may have shit the bed.
“Justin was solo again at the Saturday Night Live after party and he stayed until nearly 5 a.m.,” a fellow partygoer exclusively told Radar.
“Everyone was buzzing about her absence.”
Biel was also noticeably absent from Timberlake’s American Music Awards appearance in Nov. which she addressed on Twitter saying, “I’m watching from home tonight. Calm down, Internet.”
Nice try, Jessica, but telling the Internet to calm down is like slapping a piece of duct tape over somebody’s mouth to get them to stop throwing up. That shit does NOT work.
Here are my theories on Jessica’s mysterious absences:
1. They are divorcing because she’s tired of finding Justin singing and flipping through his Britney scrapbook, dressed in his half of those sweet his-and-hers Canadian tuxedoes and is one more teary “cry me a riiiiiiver” whisper away from shoving his ass down a flight of stairs and getting her own Snapped episode.
2. Justin is leaving Jessica for Jimmy Fallon.
3. She’s knocked up and hiding it after Justin put his dick in her box (please don’t put me in the corner- the fact that I slapped my own knee and almost fell backwards off the counter stool I’m sitting on is punishment enough). This would be good news for comic book fans everywhere because if Jessica has kept up her upper body workout, all they would need to do is borrow the bottom half of Danica Patrick’s muscle suit, film her delivery and with a little post-production work, there could finally be a decent Hulk movie.
4. SNL parties suck and Jessica is just exercising some self-preservation by skipping that shit.
I really wish Justin Timberlake would keep his scat queen fantasies (or should I say, “fantafeces“?) to himself, but he didn’t during his interview with GQ for their Men of the Year issue. The Keratin Kween told GQ’s Amy Wallace that critics have shit on him so much that he feels like the only working toilet in the Paltrow-Martin mansion during a family cleanse. After Runner Runner (which sounds like something you’d call a ho with the runs) turned out to be a floating turd that nobody paid to see, Variety wrote a long ass piece titled “Justin Timberlake: Why He Should Stop Acting” and reading it made him feel like he was getting a feces facial.
“So I find it ironic that I’m doing an interview with you about Man of the Year when I feel—literally—like a bunch of people just took a shit on my face.”
JT’s talk with GQ happened right when Variety told him to shred his SAG card for once and for all, so his throbbing b-hole was still hot about it and he let it out. JT said that the “vitriol” is just mean and he’s not cut out for it. And as he wiped the skid marks from his face, he spit out this doody bubble:
“This face. This recognizable face that you work so hard to get—not because you want the recognition but because you know you’re made to do it. The movie didn’t do well at the box office, so I should quit? Hold on a second. If I was somebody else, you wouldn’t have said that. I have the number one album this week, and I shouldn’t have released it? Come on, man. You sound like a dickhead…. It just shocked me because, like, you’re trade magazines. None of your opinions count. And by the way, none of you can do it.”
Am I the only one who pictured him saying, “THIS FACE” while he had caca all over it? Haha, JT, you’ve got poo poo on your face.
This is the way that I see it. Variety didn’t tell any lies, Justin ShitterLake is pissing off people who critique movies for a living and I just can’t feel sorry for him. Cry me a river, Justin! Actually, since a bunch of people just shat on your face, don’t do that. Nobody wants a diarrhea river the same way nobody wants a Runner Runner 2.