That poor screen shot. I can only imagine the number of dicks that have been Photoshopped over that banana. So it turns out the video that was released with Justin Timberlake’s new song “Can’t Stop The Feeling” earlier this month wasn’t the official video. Nope, this one is. The one featuring Justin and a whole bunch of wacky characters dancing like no one is watching all around sunny Los Angeles. I hope Pharrell Williams has a good lawyer (“Um…” said Pharrell’s lawyer), because I think I’ve seen this video before. You know what, the Minions might want to call their lawyer too, because I’m pretty sure they own the right to bananas.
I do appreciate the cameo from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s Sweet Dee at the 2:26 mark.
Since the song was recorded for DreamWorks’ Trolls, I would have assumed the video for “Can’t Stop The Feeling” would have featured a few more trolls than just the measly handful that show up on the television wall in the electronics store. How pitiful! Whatever happened to the days of shameless pandering? JT should have been dressed up in an oversized foam troll costume dance dance dance dancing with a bunch of half-naked models wearing plastic gemstone pasties and troll fur merkins. That’s the video I want to see.
Speaking of hustling, here’s Justin and his Trolls co-star Anna Kendrick at Cannes last week. I’m a little disappointed that they didn’t walk the red carpet in 3-foot tall neon funfur troll wigs. But I guess they realized it would have been pointless to try to compete with the reigning queen of the Cannes, Elena Lenina.
Actually, Justin Timberlake’s face above is actually a pretty good description of his new song. It’s a “This isn’t bad” smile that turns into an “Okay, I got the gist of it…you can turn it off now.”
Justin Timberlake hasn’t released a new song since 2013, presumably because he was too busy making a baby and teaching said baby to mug for the cameras and training his hair to curl into gorgeous little Ramen ringlets to make new music. After teasing the release of his newest single “Can’t Stop the Feeling” all damn day on Twitter and Instagram (JT acting like he was releasing the damn McRib II or something), he finally threw it up online. Justin recorded “Can’t Stop the Feeling” for the upcoming DreamWorks film Trolls (which Justin also voices a character in), and yeah, it sounds pretty much like something from a DreamWorks movie. I can practically see the animated Troll in a fedora doing that cocky DreamWorks smirk while singing to it.
All those random cameos in that video aren’t actually that random. Gwen Stefani, James Corden, Anna Kendrick, Kunal Nayyar, Ron Funches, and Icona Pop all voice characters in Trolls.
Michael and I talked about this earlier, and his verdict was that it sounded like Bruno Mars meets The Weeknd. Which it absolutely does. It sounds like Pharrell Williams wrote it for Bruno Mars, who passed on it and gave it to The Weekend, who passed on it because it was too vague as to whether or not “the feeling” he was singing about was from cocaine. Then it ended up in Justin Timberlake’s hands, who agreed to do it, because damn if Britney Spears is going to be the only former Mickey Mouse Club member to record a song for a CGI movie about freaky little creatures.
“Can’t Stop the Feeling” isn’t the worst song (although I’m sure my opinion will change after I hear it for the 1 billionth time in the mall this summer). But it really seems like a missed opportunity not to have the lead single from a movie called Trolls performed by troll expert Demi Lovato.
I’m sorry, but in that hat and those pants, Justin Timberlake is in no position to be busting out such hardcore “embarrassed to be standing next to you” body language on Lance Bass. But back to what’s really important: the fact that Lance Bass apparently wasn’t invited to Justin Timberlake’s Italian wedding (ft. Jessica Biel) back in 2012. Okay, I could see not mailing an invitation to Joey Fatone, because that dude strikes me as the type of wedding guest to get drunk on red wine and try to have a three-way with Grandma Timberlake and the ice sculpture swan on the buffet table. But Lance Bass? I said it up top and I’ll say it again. Rude!
Lance admitted that he never got to RSVP to Justin’s $6.5 million marriage spectacular/poor-taste short film screening on a recent episode of Kancelled with Khloe (via Entertainment Tonight). Khloe Kardashian began by asking Lance if Justin Timberlake showed up to his 2014 wedding. The non-blond members of *NSYNC showed up (Joey, JC Chasez, and Chris Kirkpatrick), but no JT, because JT was on tour. Then Khloe asked point-blank if he was invited to JT’s wedding, and Lance gave us this awkward moment:
The “we” that Lance is referring to in his “we were not” is the rest of *NSYNC. Shortly after Justin’s wedding, Chris Kirkpatrick admitted to Orlando’s XL 106.7 that he wasn’t invited, and heard that the rest of the boy band wasn’t either because Justin didn’t want their reunion to yank the spotlight away from his bride. “If anyone is going to steal the spotlight from my bride, it’s gonna be me.“
Justin wasn’t exactly wrong. I don’t know about the rest of *NSYNC, but Lance Bass would definitely steal every last ounce of attention from Jessica Biel. All it would take is for Lance Bass to accidentally flash that dazzling incandescent light bulb smile of his as she begins walking down the aisle, and everyone would be like “Ugh, Jessica, go around!”
Here’s more of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel at the Tribeca Film Festival premiere of The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea last night. I don’t know why Jessica is dressed like a goth Col. Sanders at the club, but I’m into it.
Last week, it seemed like there was trouble in the squad (Side note: Hello, my name is Michael. I’m a grown up and I just wrote “trouble in the squad.“) when Lorde was seen with Taylor Swift enemy Diplo. Diplo once said that someone should start a Kickstarter to buy Taylor Swift an ass. I figured that Girl Squad Captain Taylor would immediately tell Lorde to shred her Hello Kitty membership card and then ask for the copy of the key to the treasure box where they keep the friendship bracelet supplies. But I don’t think that happened, because here’s Taylor Swift (giving you Dollar Tree Elvira Hancock) and Lorde (giving you constipated and stoned Emily the Strange in an Ice Capades show directed by Tim Burton) at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night.
But maybe something is up. Lorde does look like she was sedated and is only posing with Taylor because Taylor threatened to expose secrets that could ruin her career. You know, secrets like she really hates the color black, she loves the color pink, Nicholas Sparks is her favorite author, she really feels whole when she smiles and nothing brightens up her day like sunshine. But then again, Lorde always looks like a goth ghost who took too much Ambien, so everything’s probably fine. However, nothing is fine with the blood explosion messiness that Gwen Stefani wore.
While Blake Shelton looked like the most dressed up dude at a hillbilly wedding, Gwen Stefani looked like she was about to star in Carrie On Ice!
It looks like her belly button is barfing blood. She looks like a slutty blood clot. We get it, Gwen. You’re hot. You still got it, bitch. I’m all for a trick trying to get attention by showing her granny panties in a sheer dress, but Gwen could’ve done it without wearing an ensemble that makes me want to throw tampons, Band-Aids and cotton balls at her.
And here’s more pictures from last night’s VF party including some of Justin Timberlake being annoying and Anne Hathaway wearing Mrs. Roper’s favorite disco freakum muumuu.
Now that InTouch Weekly mentions it, Justin Timberlake does look like he’s got a touch of consumption in that picture or maybe his eyes just hurt from looking at Jessica Biel’s fugly ruffle bukkake ice skating dress.
InTouch Weekly (so this is served on top of a giant salt mountain) heard from a “friend” that Jessica Biel have joined the likes of Jenny McCarthy, Alicia Silverstone and Kristin CavaImTooLazyToGoogleHerLastName in the anti-vaxx movement by refusing to vaccine her 7-month-old son Silas. Jessica Biel’s friend didn’t really say how Justin Timberlake feels, but they probably asked him and it was hard to hear his answer over the sound of him giving himself a Brazilian Blowout in the bathroom.
A friend of the couple claims so, telling In Touch that “Jessica is refusing to vaccinate him. She feels that vaccination could cause complications.”
The friend who alleges that Jessica and Justin aren’t vaccinating their son adds: “I’m sure Jessica believes that she’s making the right decision, but hopefully she and Justin will do some more research on this and change their minds.”
InTouch says that they left 9 messages for Jessica and Justin’s reps over the past few weeks, but got a whole lot of nothing back. InTouch claims that the reps received their messages. Oh so, the people at InTouch are those kind of messes who ask for a return receipt email.
Great, Jessica (may) have gone and done it. Every time a famous type decides not to vaccinate their baby, the horns on Jenny McCarthy’s head grow half an inch more and her evil powers get stronger. And really, I won’t totally believe this until Justin Timberlake released an anti-vaxx remix of his greatest hits which will include “I’m Bringing Measles Back” and “Cry Me A River…Of Smallpox.”
Because I know you all love the phrase “post-baby body” and you’ve been wondering what Jessica Biel’s post-baby body looks like, here’s Jessica Biel and her post-baby body with batshit-eyed Justin Timberlake at the 1st Annual Unveiling of Jessica Biel’s Post-Baby Body Ceremony in NYC last night. No, they were at something called the Fashion Group International Night of the Stars Gala.
The dried piece of bland celery leaf gave birth to a Weeds character last April and in case you didn’t get it the first 5,000 times I said it, she flaunted her post-baby body last night. Jessica Biel’s post-baby body is not to be confused with a regular’s post-baby body, which is probably covered in newborn barf, dried tears and chunks of hair that were yanked out from not being able to get 1 second of any fucking sleep.
Jessica covered her post-baby body with one of Laura Bush’s favorite Christmas party dresses and Justin Timberlake dressed up and gave off looks like a psychotic lounge piano player who makes piano keys out of the bones of his victims. But who cares about him. It’s all about Jessica Biel’s’s POST-BABY BODY!
Two “Friends” Down, Four More To Go: Taylor Swift Performed “Smelly Cat” With Lisa Kudrow Last Night
“Random” got a new definition this past weekend when the long-lost twin sister of American Girl doll Kit brought out Joey Tribbiani during her first of five shows at the Staples Center in L.A. Last night was Taylor Swift’s final show in L.A. and she continued with the “Friends” theme by bringing out Lisa Kudrow to sing the song that Brandi Glanville has dedicated to Joanna Krupa’s twat.
When “Smelly Cat” first popped up in a “Friends” episode in November 1995, Taylor Swift was only a tiny 5-year-old being raised by woodland creatures and enchanted elves on a Christmas tree farm in Pennsylvania. But since “Smelly Cat” is a classic and Taylor is a diabolical demon who won’t stop until all of your favorites belong to her, she sang that song with Lisa Kudrow. As this happened, Taylor’s Girl Squad held Lisa’s family hostage while screaming at them, “Shut the fuck up, we’ll let your asses go when Lisa does what we told her to do!”
If the world was a perfect place where dreams really do come true, Taylor would’ve exited stage left and let Phoebe Buffay do the rest of the show by herself.
Of course, Phoebe Buffay wasn’t Tay Tay’s only special guest last night. Taylor is trying hard to make that “Please Welcome to the Stage” parody a reality, so she also brought out Selena Gomez and she sang “Mirrors” with Justin Timberlake, who was dressed like a member of an all-white Run DMC tribute group.
Whatever, I won’t be impressed until Taylor brings out Charo, the cast of Models Inc. and the real-life Tupac. (Actually, please don’t bring out Charo, Taylor. If you do, I’ll have to judge Charo’s life choices and I don’t want to know what that feels like.)
That sound you just heard was every person on the planet reading the headline above and shouting “Sure, Jan” at the same time. But according to Kevin Federline, it’s totally true, you mean PopoZaos! KFed recently spoke to UsWeekly (insert all your slow news day jokes here) and admitted that he considers Britney Spears’ down-home denim eleganza partner Justin Timberlake one of his friends. KFed claims there was some drama with JT when he became Britney’s baby daddy, but they’re totally cool and go golfing.
“In the beginning when [Britney and I] first got together, it was awkward and I felt bad – I felt like maybe I should have called [Justin] and talked to him. But I didn’t have his number.”
We’re cool. Me and J are. I actually just went to his last show in Vegas and hung out with him, got to see a lot of old friends. I’m friends with all the security guys. [They’re] great, they’re incredible. We’ve actually – guys that work with him have worked with us and still work with me, still to this day. You know everybody, you’re friends with everybody. And yeah, me and J are cool.
My best friend is his choreographer so we have mutual friends, and I mean, we’ve gone out golfing, we’ve hung out. You get older, you grow up, and you realize that was just a time in your life. Shit happens.”
I totally read that whole thing in KFed’s voice, especially the “Shit happens” thing at the end. I’d love to know what UsWeekly edited out, because you know there was probably way more KFed-isms in there that they didn’t have room to publish. “Whatever bro, mad shit happens sometimes. C’est la vie playa. Sunrise, sunset, dawg.”
Speaking of, now I want to know what it’s like when KFed hangs out with JT. What the hell do they even talk about? How many times they’ve woken up with one of Britney’s ratty polyester tracks stuck to their face with her sticky frapp drool? Actually, that’s a conversation I’d love to hear.
Yesterday, Justin Timberlake did the least Justin Timberlake-y thing noted attention enthusiast Justin Timberlake has ever done: he introduced the world to Silas Randall Timberlake, the week-old baby he made with Jessica Biel, by throwing up a picture on Instagram.
That’s right – Instagram. No 80-foot tall billboard in Times Square teasing the release of said picture on an upcoming pay-per-view website called TimberBabyPics.com followed by a secret midnight iTunes release of an album titled Songz 4 Silas? “What is the world coming to when an attention-humper like Justin Timberlake is casually releasing the first picture of his offspring FOR FREE on Instagram?” thought People, as they threw their HERE’S MY BABAAAAY!!! mock-up cover template into the trash.
Not only that, but Justin he couldn’t even be bothered to pay tribute to his greatest look ever by debuting Baby Silas in a custom-made denim infant ensemble like I was hoping he would? Rude.
Baby Silas is barely over a week old, and I know that’s a little early to tell whether he looks like mommy or daddy, because all babies look like Mr. Burns at that age, but I don’t see much of Justin in Justin’s new baby. Where’s the tiny newborn-sized patch of crunch ramen noodle hair? Where’s the smug look of self-satisfaction? Where’s the video of him crying in dog whistle falsetto? Actually, now that I think of it, that open hungry mouth, just-woke-up-from-a-nap look in his eyes, and sweatpants/jersey look is more Unky Joey Fatone than anything. Joey Fatone, NO! How could you?!?
Go ahead and yank me off stage with a Vaudeville hook for that headline.
People says that after what feels like YEARS of talking about it, Jessica Biel finally gave birth to Justin Timberlake’s tiny Top Ramen-haired fetus that was growing in her baby maker. Reps for both Justin and Jessica have confirmed that they’re the parents of a little boy named Silas Randall Timberlake. Both Jessica and Silas are doing a-ok and Justin is “ecstatic”.
Nothing else is known about the birth, but I’m sure after it happened, Justin Timberlake started running around the hospital screaming “I’m a dad, I’m a dad, I’m a daAaAAaAaAaaAaAaAd!!!” in that falsetto dog whistle voice of his while Unky Joey Fatone sat there in the waiting room, paws-deep in a bag of vending machine Fritos, thinking “I wonder if he wants someone to sing the bass on that? Eh, he’s fine.”
I’m completely shocked that Justin Timblerlake didn’t name his son Justin Timberlake Jr., but then again, we don’t know if he tried and Jessica stopped him before he could submit the baby’s birth certificate. Instead, they paid tribute to Justin’s Tennessee roots by giving him the name of an old tymey moonshiner from the Appalachian mountains. Do y’all need something special for your next hootenanny? Just holler on over to Silas Timberlake, he’ll be happy to hook you up with some top-shelf jug whiskey for 2 squirrels and a slice of corn pone.