The future Emmy-sweeping biopic of my Cheetos dust-covered dreams, Lifetime’s Britney, isn’t going to grace our television screens until 2017 and that is a long time away. (Not to mention, that if “President Trump” becomes a real thing, it’ll be a little difficult to watch Lifetime’s Britney after fire falling from the sky torches our houses and TVs.) But Lifetime has already let us know that their Britney Spears biopic will be the television event of 2017 by releasing the first picture of their Justin Timberlake. The actors must be working pro brono, because it’s obvious that Lifetime used their entire budget on that gorgeous wig. Although, that’s not hard to do since Lifetime’s budget was probably a Party City coupon and whatever change was in the ash tray of the network president’s car.
That’s right, Justin Timberlake, put your hands together and pray to the heavens above that St. Starbucks will bless you with the chance to work with an angel like Britney Spears. And also if you have the time, ask St. Starbucks to send you a sacred Frapp in the event she needs a little convincing.
A few weeks ago, Britney admitted during an interview with Most Requested Live With Romeo that she would like to work with Steven Tyler, Katy Perry, and Justin Timberlake, who she called “very good.” The only name in that list that anyone cared about was Justin Timberlake, because who wouldn’t want to take a trip back to 2001? Let me just grab my magenta Motorola RAZR, a 12-pack of stick-in hair gems, and my nicest hanky-hem halter dress real quick and we’ll be off.
The last ballot I cast was in the election that saw Hottié McStud become Prime Minister of Canada, so I don’t get to vote in this one. But that doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s going on. I know one of the candidates is a dry Buffalo chicken tender in a suit. I know that the other one is Hillary Clinton. I also know that they’ve got to make a lot of money before the election, so they hold fundraisers. Yesterday, a fancy money-making lunch was held in honor of Hillary at the Los Angeles home of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel.
The last time I wrote about NSYNC, a group dumb teenage me spent $55 to watch from behind a pole in the nosebleed section, Lance Bass was talking about how no one from NSYNC got an invitation to Justin Timberlake’s 2012 wedding. It was really upsetting news. How dare he do his four stage brothers like that?
It was JC Chasez’s 40th birthday yesterday, and he could have served up some pettiness by not inviting Justin Timberlake to his party, but he didn’t. Every member of NSYNC showed up to JC’s birthday party at The Nice Guy last night. They even posed for a group pic that Justin put on Instagram. At least I think that’s Justin; it could also be Martin Freeman in Jason Mraz drag.
The Nice Guy usually has a strict no photography policy, but they were obviously willing to make an exception for such an important reunion. Maybe Justin asked them to bend the rules because he was afraid that nobody would believe he hung out with the other members of NSYNC if he wasn’t getting paid to. That’s smart of him. Without seeing photographic proof that he was there, I would fully believe that Justin RSVP’d to JC’s party with a note that said: “Sorry, but I still think I’m too good for the rest of you NSUCKERS, so don’t count on it.”
Here’s a bunch of pictures of Justin, Jessica Biel, Chris, and Lance leaving JC’s party last night. When Joey Fatone left The Nice Guy, he grabbed a TMZ camera and pretended to be a pap. Then he “pretended” to ask them if they’re hiring and who he should contact with his resume.
Justin Timberlake can say “bye, bye, bye” to being on the list of people that have not worked with a lil’ ol’ creeper. Joining the ranks of true thespians like Blake Lively and Kristen Stewart, JT has signed on for Woody Allen’s latest movie.
There’s no word on the title or plot of Woody’s newest feature. Casting is underway, and The Hollywood Reporter has a short list of the people just dying to spend intimate months with him. Kate Winslet signed on earlier in the summer, as well as Jim Belushi. Yes, According to Jim Jim Belushi. Justin has been cast in a supporting role. Joining him for second-tier billing is Juno Temple, the chick from Vinyl. Amazon, who is distributing Cafe Society and producing the TV show he’s doing with Miley Cyrus, is back on board and committed.
Even though I’m assuming that Kate will get the brunt of the questions ranging from “How can you work with Woody Allen?” to “What do you think about Woody Allen rape jokes?“, it’ll be fun to see how Justin responds to a similar line of questioning. That is, if he’s even allowed to answer. You know, since the last time he tried to put his two-cents in went so well.
This is the same movie that Woody claimed earlier this year that he wants to set in an amusement park. And since it’s a Woody Allen film, it’s most likely going to be more early 20th century costumes, some zippy lines, and a guy mumbling. I assume that means Justin has been hired to do a mix of his SNL “classics“, like singing costume mascot and Dick In A Box. What else could it be? Other than his extraordinary and not-creepy work in The Love Guru. Justin also has his natural hair working in his favor, which we know Woody likes; see Jesse Eisenberg, star of Cafe Society. Mark my words, this is gonna be about a down-on-his-luck singing mascot for a salon that specializes in perms. Yeah, that’s it.
At last night’s BET Awards, actor and noted hot piece Jesse Williams won the Humanitarian Award for his dedication to many important social issues including the Black Lives Matter movement. Jesse used his time at the mic to give a sermon about cultural appropriation, gentrification, fighting for equality and much more. The house came all the way down several times during Jesse’s speech. If Samuel L. Jackson, who was honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award last night, was wearing his signature Kangol hat, that shit would’ve flown right off of his head. Because Samuel L. Jackson said that Jesse’s speech was something his ears haven’t heard since the Civil Rights Movement in the 1960s. The video of Jesse’s full speech auto-plays, so I put it after the cut, but here’s what he said at the end of his speech:
“We’ve been floating this country on credit for centuries, and we’re done watching and waiting while this invention called whiteness uses and abuses us, burying black people out of sight and out of mind while extracting our culture, our dollars, our entertainment like oil — black gold! — ghettoizing and demeaning our creations and stealing them, gentrifying our genius and then trying us on like costumes before discarding our bodies like rinds of strange fruit.
Just because we’re magic doesn’t mean we’re not real. Thank you.”