Lindsay Lohan’s snatch has probably seen more peen than the Scientology glory hole on John Travolta’s birthday (yes, potent jealousy oozed out of my finger pores when I typed that), so when I read that she made a fuck list of the 36 famous dicks that have visited her freckled crotch carniceria at least once, I thought to myself, “Only 36?!” LiLo needs to step up her star fucker game, because I would’ve guessed that her celebrity fuck list would be longer than a Jonathan Franzen novel or had just three words on it: ALL OF THEM.
InTouch Weekly claims that on a night in January 2013, LiLo and her friends were getting drunk at a bar in the Beverly Hills Hotel and she made a list of every piece of famous (or semi-not-really famous) ass she’s had. The source shat this out:
“They were giggling and talking shit about people in the industry. It was her personal conquest list. She was trying to impress her friends with the list and then tossed it aside. The list has some pretty big names on it, and they’re not all single guys. This getting out now could rock several Hollywood relationships to the core.”
And LiLo just so happened to have a Scattergories (more like Scatterwhories, no, I don’t know what that means) score sheet on her to write the list on.
On the list is PC Valmorbida, Joaquin Phoenix, Nico Tortorella, Evan Peters, Wilmer Valderrama, Jamie Burke, Jamie Dornan, Zac Efron (coke really does make you do some fucked up shit), Justin Timberlake, Colin Farrell, Heath Ledger, Ryan Rottman, Max George, Guy Berryman, James Franco and Adam Levine.
InTouch didn’t burp out all of the names, because they’re milking this. In their next issue, they will reveal more names including the name of a really rich and newly engaged TV star (Charlie Sheen, duh), a newly single A-lister and an Oscar-winning actress’ ex-husband.
If that list is real and it isn’t a figment of LiLo’s coked-up imagination, her pussy should clap for itself, because there’s some hot pieces on that list. And speaking of the clap, the Beverly Hills free clinic would like to see every dude on this list, except for Adam Levine and Colin Farrell since those two sluts are already VIP patients.
Even though Jimmy Fallon’s rapping makes these two look like Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, he still decided to cap off The Tonight Show’s Parade of Stars week by rapping The History of Rap Pt. 5 with his bff Justin Timberlake. And I’m giving it zero stars, two thumbs down, and a sour-looking pissed-off face because it left me disappointed and crestfallen. YES, CRESTFALLEN. No Addams Groove? No Ninja Rap? NO TOP THAT??? It should be considered a Class 4 Felony to exclude Top That from a historical account of rap. You’d think that by the fifth time around they’d have worked through the filler like Biggie Smalls and NWA and gotten to the real underground shit (or maybe he’s saving it for Brian Williams? Fingers crossed).
YAAASSSS!!! Taco Bell is finally getting the A-list respect it deserves! Nothing says ‘Congratulations’ like the reward of 2 Doritos Locos tacos, nachos supreme, and a 24oz Mountain Dew Baja Blast, and apparently Justin Timberlake agrees. After taking home 3 People’s Choice Awards last night, Justin decided to celebrate his winnings in the same way I celebrate my cellphone company turning my phone back on by taking the party to Taco Bell and posting a picture to Instagram.
Now, we all know that Justin’s b-hole is probably too precious for the asshole-tearing that is Taco Bell Meat-Style Filling™, so I don’t believe for a damn minute that he ate anything from Taco Bell besides a Diet Pepsi and a packet of mild Border Sauce. I doubt he’s built up the tolerance needed to handle Taco Bell without shitting your pants. I mean, I have, but my training involved eating it at least once a week for a year. I could walk into a Taco Bell in the middle of Kansas (where they pronounce it tay-koes), watch them assemble my food with items pulled from a box labeled with a question mark, and not spend a moment on the toilet. I believe that’s called ‘living the dream’.
Regardless, Justin seemed to have a good time riding high off taco farts and freedom at Taco Bell, since he left his boring-ass bowl of Cream of Wheat wife, Jessica Biel, at home; but he was kind enough to acknowledge her during his acceptance speech:
“I’d like to thank all the fans who voted. I’ll take it — people’s champ, I love it. And I’d like to thank my beautiful wife for teaching me patience and the little things like just putting the dishes in the dish washer. It goes a long way — fellas, you’re welcome!”
Isn’t it cute when rich people act like they know what a dishwasher is? As if they don’t have a disgruntled Eastern European housekeeper who silently curses in Polish under her breath every time she finds a 3-day old bowl of Lucky Charms in the den. I bet JT hasn’t loaded a dishwasher since his ‘N Sync days, and even then, something tells me Chris Kirkpatrick was the dishwasher if the group (he had to do something, right?)
The New York Times (via EOnline) says Bruno Mars was named the most illegally downloaded artist of 2013 with nearly 5.8 million downloads. The runner up was Rihanna with 5.4 million, followed by Daft Punk with 4.2 million and Mr. Jessica Biel with 3.9 million.
I had to Wiki Bruno and what he released in 2013 because he lost me with that “catch a grenade fuh yuhhhh” song a few years ago. That shit was the musical version of a drug-resistant strain of herpes; it was EVERYDAMNWHERE. Going through the list, it would seem Joe Francis, Woody Allen and Roman Polanski could have been responsible for at least some of those downloads, thanks to Bruno’s creepy little ditty called “Young Girls“.
Jessica Biel may be getting tired of being Mrs. Justin Timberlake. Wait- or is it the other way around? He’s tired of being Mr. Jessica Biel? I’m still not 100% on who wears the pants with these two. Anyway, Radar is reporting that Jessica’s notable absence from both the rehearsal and after party for his SNL gig, along with his missing wedding ring while on tour means their marriage may have shit the bed.
“Justin was solo again at the Saturday Night Live after party and he stayed until nearly 5 a.m.,” a fellow partygoer exclusively told Radar.
“Everyone was buzzing about her absence.”
Biel was also noticeably absent from Timberlake’s American Music Awards appearance in Nov. which she addressed on Twitter saying, “I’m watching from home tonight. Calm down, Internet.”
Nice try, Jessica, but telling the Internet to calm down is like slapping a piece of duct tape over somebody’s mouth to get them to stop throwing up. That shit does NOT work.
Here are my theories on Jessica’s mysterious absences:
1. They are divorcing because she’s tired of finding Justin singing and flipping through his Britney scrapbook, dressed in his half of those sweet his-and-hers Canadian tuxedoes and is one more teary “cry me a riiiiiiver” whisper away from shoving his ass down a flight of stairs and getting her own Snapped episode.
2. Justin is leaving Jessica for Jimmy Fallon.
3. She’s knocked up and hiding it after Justin put his dick in her box (please don’t put me in the corner- the fact that I slapped my own knee and almost fell backwards off the counter stool I’m sitting on is punishment enough). This would be good news for comic book fans everywhere because if Jessica has kept up her upper body workout, all they would need to do is borrow the bottom half of Danica Patrick’s muscle suit, film her delivery and with a little post-production work, there could finally be a decent Hulk movie.
4. SNL parties suck and Jessica is just exercising some self-preservation by skipping that shit.
I really wish Justin Timberlake would keep his scat queen fantasies (or should I say, “fantafeces“?) to himself, but he didn’t during his interview with GQ for their Men of the Year issue. The Keratin Kween told GQ’s Amy Wallace that critics have shit on him so much that he feels like the only working toilet in the Paltrow-Martin mansion during a family cleanse. After Runner Runner (which sounds like something you’d call a ho with the runs) turned out to be a floating turd that nobody paid to see, Variety wrote a long ass piece titled “Justin Timberlake: Why He Should Stop Acting” and reading it made him feel like he was getting a feces facial.
“So I find it ironic that I’m doing an interview with you about Man of the Year when I feel—literally—like a bunch of people just took a shit on my face.”
JT’s talk with GQ happened right when Variety told him to shred his SAG card for once and for all, so his throbbing b-hole was still hot about it and he let it out. JT said that the “vitriol” is just mean and he’s not cut out for it. And as he wiped the skid marks from his face, he spit out this doody bubble:
“This face. This recognizable face that you work so hard to get—not because you want the recognition but because you know you’re made to do it. The movie didn’t do well at the box office, so I should quit? Hold on a second. If I was somebody else, you wouldn’t have said that. I have the number one album this week, and I shouldn’t have released it? Come on, man. You sound like a dickhead…. It just shocked me because, like, you’re trade magazines. None of your opinions count. And by the way, none of you can do it.”
Am I the only one who pictured him saying, “THIS FACE” while he had caca all over it? Haha, JT, you’ve got poo poo on your face.
This is the way that I see it. Variety didn’t tell any lies, Justin ShitterLake is pissing off people who critique movies for a living and I just can’t feel sorry for him. Cry me a river, Justin! Actually, since a bunch of people just shat on your face, don’t do that. Nobody wants a diarrhea river the same way nobody wants a Runner Runner 2.
If you’re anything like me, you started your morning out sitting somewhere in a daze, desperately reaching for the coffee maker from across the room like some kind of bunkassed Jedi while inviting Daylight Saving Time to blow you. Reading that Chris Kirkpatrick got married and watching some old N’SYNC videos on YouTube is doing a better job breathing life into me than coffee ever could. Between the TLC-wore-it-better satin pajamas, Justin’s moldy Top Ramen hair, JC dry humping a padded cell and Lance Bass as a chick magnet, this is better than caffeine.
Anyway, fifth runner up in a 1998 spring break Adam Duritz lookalike contest Chris married Karly Skladany on Saturday with all his band members in attendance. Loose-lipped Lance (also his Craigslist username) gave a few details about the wedding during his XM Satellite radio show Dirty Pop (via USWeekly) on October 29, including Chris having little interest in the “finer things”, resulting in the renting of Joey-Fatone-size-fits-all tuxedos.
“What’s really hilarious to me is that we went to get fitted for our tuxes at Men’s Warehouse — and he got us the cheapest tuxes there he could possibly get, which I think is so Chris and very lovely,” Bass revealed during his show. “I mean that’s just who he is.”
He joked: “I think its hilarious to know that Justin Timberlake is going to be in a Men’s Warehouse tux ushering the wedding.”
“Chris is a cheap ass motherfucker and should know I don’t get out of bed for less than Armani! The only good part about this crap is knowing Timberlake will be at the reception, busting out the Electric Slide in rented pants steeped in so much dried groomsman ball sweat, no amount of dry cleaning will ever get it out.”
Weddings these days seem so over the top and self-indulgent, knowing someone had a shitload of money to spend and didn’t is a nice change of pace. Looking at you, Kanye. All this wedding really needed to be successful was some floor-clearing “Bye Bye Bye” marionette choreography, Justin doing an impromptu “Dick In A Box” performance while grinding on Chris’s grandma, and the always classy Reichen Lehmkuhl crashing the open bar, declaring his love for Lance and being forcefully removed from the premises by Jessica Biel.
(Pic via Twitter)
“Know when to walk away” isn’t only one of the taglines for Runner Runner. It’s also what everybody said to themselves after they thought about buying tickets to see Justin Timberlake’s latest contribution to cinema’s growing mountain of turds. Justin Timberlake is still trying to be a huge A-list movie star and America is still trying to tell him to shut up and sing (or become a regular cast member on SNL already), because nobody wants to see his face on the big screen.
While some of us were jizzing at the eyeballs over all the special effects in Gravity (Side note: The most impressive part of Gravity was Sandra Bullock’s zero gravity-defying wig. It stayed on through all that shit. That brand of wig glue deserves an honorary Oscah!), tumbleweeds blew through all the theaters showing Runner Runner. Box Office Mojo says that Gravity broke October box office records in the US and debuted at #1 with $56 million. Runner Runner flopped with $7.6 million and it came in at #3 behind Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2.
The critics also let JT know that he should probably install a shelf over his toilet to put the Razzie he’ll get for his performance in Runner Runner (which according to UrbanDictionary is the name for a stubborn shit that refuses to flush, fitting).
I didn’t even know what this mess was about until I looked up the plot on Wikipedia just now. This crap is about the dangerous and thrilling world of ONLINE GAMBLING?! Online gambling! I knew an online gambler and dude’s skin was grey from barely ever going outside (like mine!) and he’d only go outside to buy his meals (aka beer, Top Ramen and Totino’s Pizza Rolls) for the week at Costco. If they turned that dude’s everyday life into a movie, it would probably be a better movie than Runner Runner as long as Justin Timberlake didn’t star in it.
And here’s JT celebrating his latest flop by playing golf in Burbank, CA yesterday.
I see JT photo bombing in the alleyway between their legs…
Justin Timberlake must’ve inhaled too many fumes during his daily Keratin treatment, because he did something he never does: he unlocked Jessica Biel’s cage door and let her go to his premiere in Las Vegas AND he posed next to her. Anything can happen now that Justin Timberlake posed with his wife on the red carpet. Even he looks surprised over this shocking new development.
Last night, the world premiere of Runner, Runner starring JT, Ben Affleck and Gemma Arterton happened at the Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas. UsWeekly compared JT and Jessica Biel’s “matching” tuxedos to the legendary “King and Queen of the Canadian Prom” outfits that he and Brit Brit wore a million lives ago. Nothing offends me, but UsWeekly comparing these basic bitch outfits to Brit Brit and JT’s double denim rainbow is highly offensive.
Brit Brit and JT’s outfits belong in a museum and these outfits don’t. He looks like the back-up saxophone player in a Rat Pack-themed show in Reno and she’s dressed like a catering waiter at a matador-themed party.
I expect a full apology from UsWeekly for this!
For about three seconds during Justin Timberlake’s 45-hour-long performance, he made the clits and ass lips of every 20-something and 30-something fly off of their bodies by reuniting with ‘N Sync. If you blinked, you missed it all, but keep your eyes open to watch all 20 seconds of it, because Chris Kirkpatrick was EVERYTHING. He looked like my 50-something-year-old Tio Pablo dancing to a mariachi band while completely sober. I know Chris Kirkpatrick’s not old, but he looked like the slowest member of the retirement home dance troupe. I kind of wanted to spread Ben-Gay all over my screen while watching this shit, because he’s going to be sore tomorrow. You can hear the puffing and you can hear joints crack.
Even though it was kind of like “Justin Timberlake and his back-up dancers,” I loved it! They’re definitely thinking about a reunion tour and by “they,” I every member but Justin Timberlake.