Jessica Biel’s either got a human growing in her body or she’s suffering from the same shit I suffer from, skinny fat, because she’s been looking swole. The hobo’s Blake Lively (or is Blake Lively the hobo’s Jessica Biel?) and Justin Timberlake haven’t said anything about her being knocked up, because it’s pretty obvious that she is and they’re way too ~famous~ and way too ~ private~ for that. Besides, they don’t need to announce that shit when they’ve got Joey Fat One to do it for them.
Just like the editor of InStyle before him, the brown-headed Guy Fieri let everyone know that in a few months Jessica Biel’s body will eject a baby that will be all ass and Ramen hair. Joey EXCLUSIVELY told InTouch that he’s known about the TimberFetus for a long time now.
“He told me a while ago, and I kept my mouth shut,” Joey says in the new issue of ‘In Touch.’ “But now I can talk about it!”
And though Justin and Jessica have kept mum on the subject, Joey is confident they’re more than ready to become parents. “Jessica is awesome, and Justin is a kid at heart,” he adds. “[They’ll have] fun.”
If JT is pissed that Joey Fat One is blabbing about his oh-so-private private life, he shouldn’t be. JT thinks he’s too good for an NSYNC reunion tour, so how else is Joey supposed to get money? Being the guest host of The Price Is Right Live! show at Bally’s in Las Vegas only pays so much (and by “so much” I do mean drink tickets and a free dinner at the buffet). Joey has no choice but to trade info about the most famous NSYNCer for a check made out to cash from InTouch Weekly. You did this to yourself, JT!
And here’s JT and Jay-Z leaving Taylor Swift’s apartment in NYC yesterday. Are they doing a song together? Did they have a spit roast threesome? Or did Jay-Z and JT come over to make Christmas cookies in her Easy Bake oven while singing along to the Chipmunks Christmas album? This is Tay Tay we’re talking about. It’s the last one.
And Here’s Taylor Swift Dancing With Her Current Best Friend Beyonce At A Justin Timberlake Concert Last Night
In case you can’t tell from this crystal-clear picture, the one on the right in the Lady from Lady and the Tramp wig is Beyonce.
On Saturday, we found out that the newest members of Taylor Swift’s Homecoming Court included her majesty Beyonce, her humanoid camel husband, the HAIM girls, and Justin Timberlake, and on Sunday it looks like they all decided to celebrate their induction into Tay Tay’s current super-famous friends club by going to watch Justin Timberlake bust out some high-pitched dog whistle yodels at the Barclays Center. And not surprisingly, there’s footage of Taylor getting her awkward-suburban-white-girl-at-her-best-friend’s-Sweet 16 on. When Tay Tay hears music, Tay Tay gotta dance! And Beyonce did her good deed of the year by joining in instead of throwing Taylor a “Oh girl, no” face.
The video is after the cut:
And of course I mean the opposite of that.
The head cheerleader and runner-up homecoming queen of Celeb High, Taylor Swift, turns 25 today and she started celebrating early by throwing herself a party at her Tribeca penthouse last night. After performing at the Z100 Jingle Ball earlier in the night, Tay Tay of Sunnybrook Farms showed up to her penthouse which looked like the Grammy’s threw up in it. Beyonce, Jay-Z, Sam Smith, Justin Timberlake and the HAIM chicks were all there. So were Tay’s not-partner-in-pussy Karlie Kloss, Emma Roberts, Nick Jonas, Ansel Elgort, Chrissy Teigen, Selena Gomez and more. If you replaced the Tribeca penthouse, the famous hos and the top shelf booze in crystal goblets with a 6-floor walkup apartment, three plebs and a chihuahua and Smirnoff in red cups, it’d be just like my 25th birthday party.
Because Taylor wants all of us to know that her 25th birthday party was better than our 25 birthday party, she Instagrammed this picture. Don’t ask me why Justin Timberlake is wearing a Justin Bieber mask.
That picture becomes 100% better when you imagine how Kim Kartrashian felt while looking at it. Beyonce and Jay-Z skipped her STUNT QUEEN wedding yet they went to Taylor Swift’s 25th birthday party. The Botox mask Kim calls a face probably cracked as she screamed internally.
And as JT partied with Tay Tay and Beyonce, Jessica Biel’s lonely knocked up ass sat at home hoping that he’ll bring her a slice of birthday cake.
Damn, those eyes! If Justin Timberlake ever decides to switch careers and get into cult leadership, we’re in trouble. Those are some “Come try this delicious punch I just made” eyes. Anyways, enough about what’s going on in those crazy eyes and more about what’s going on in Jessica Biel’s baby pouch.
Last week, InStyle Editor-in-Chief Ariel Foxman accidentally announced (then quickly deleted) that Jessica Biel has a fetus living rent-free in her womb, and now Us Weekly is chiming in as well by saying that, yes, Jessica Biel is in fact knocked up. Us Weekly says that several blabbermouths have confirmed that Justin Timberlake put his dick in her box, said “Iiiiii wanna see you out that door, baby bye bye bye” to his fastest ramen noodle-haired sperm, and now Jessica Biel is knocked up with his high-energy offspring. One of the sources says:
“Right now they are just enjoying the news for themselves. They just want a happy baby.“
They just want a happy baby? Good luck with that. Unless Baby Timby is given a complimentary pair of noise-cancelling headphones at the hospital, I give it 0.3 seconds before Justin’s high-pitched dog whistle voice lullabies give it a permanent case of Grumpy Cat NO face.
Neither Justin’s rep (Joey Fatone) nor Jessica’s rep (the dog from 7th Heaven) have commented on the existence of said Timberfetus, probably because they’re waiting for a fat check from People, but we do know when the baby is due:
Lordy, I’ll show myself out for that one. But for real though, Justin probably planned that shit on purpose. “Jessica, hurry up and ovulate! ‘It’s gonna be June’ doesn’t work!“
The Editor-In-Chief Of InStyle Might Have Let It Slip That Jessica Biel Is Knocked Up With A Timberfetus
After appearing in public looking like she might have a timberbun in the oven and sources “claiming” that she’s currently renting her womb to a high-energy ramen-haired fetus, it seems like there’s a good chance Justin Timberlake might actually have gotten Jessica Biel pregnant. But like all good Hollywood attention-humpers, they’re won’t be ready to announce it until a six-figure check from People makes its way into their hands first.
Unfortunately, one of Jessica’s thunder-stealing friends might have broke the news before they got the chance to do it themselves on a magazine cover. According to Us Weekly, the Editor-in-Chief of InStyle Ariel Foxman posted a picture of Jessica and himself at the 2012 premiere of Total Recall to Instagram on Thursday with the caption: “Congrats @jessicabiel on your impending motherhood. Looking forward to the red carpet maternity style pix to come.” Then I guess he received a visit from Justin’s hired muscle Joey Fatone advising him to make that shit disappear, because he yanked the picture down and set his profile to private.
So who knows? Maybe Ariel Foxman isn’t actually tight with Jessica Biel, and he was simply assuming that if she looked knocked up she must be knocked up. Or maybe he’s just legitimately excited to see what a pregnant Jessica Biel stuffed into a gown will look like. Or maybe Ariel Foxman and Jessica Biel are frenemies from way back, and this is all Ariel’s way of exacting revenge for the time Jessica did him dirty by stealing his look or his man or something! That sly fox-man laid in wait for the opportunity for some devastating retribution, and what better way than stealing someone’s pregnancy announcement thunder? Oh Ariel, you sneaky bitch, you!
I’m sure you’re like “Punk’d? How current. What’s next, a BREAKING story from the set of Pimp My Ride?“, but honestly, this story is worth traveling back in time to 2003. Dust off your Von Dutch trucker hat and grab a Pepsi Twist (remember that shit? It was like drinking cola-flavored Pledge), it’s time to talk about that time Justin Timberlake threatened to fight Dax Shepard during the filming of Punk’d!
During an interview with WTF with Marc Maron (via Uproxx), Kristen Bell’s husband admitted that he used to be a bit of a rage case and get into fights a lot. Ashton Kutcher knew this when he hired him for MTV’s Punk’d, and he warned him that no matter how messy shit might get with a celebrity during a prank (like if the person being pranked can’t take a joke and turns Punk’d into Punch’d), he wasn’t allowed to fight back. Ashton doesn’t have that kind of insurance, brah! Dax says it was never really a problem, since most people laughed it off when they found out it was all a joke. Except for one very butthurt boybander named Justin Timberlake, who wanted to whoop a trick, NSYNC-style.
So, Madge’s original parts turned 56 years old yesterday and to celebrate her born day, Justin Timberlake tweeted (and quickly deleted) this message to her ass:
If you’re squinting at that tweet and thinking to yourself that JT just outed Madge as a Juggalo, that’s not what he meant. Mother chucking ninja = Motherfucking nigga. Some hos (read: suburban skater boys who hang outside of malls and Goopy Paltrow) substitute the word “ninja” for the n-word, because it’s a “safe” way of saying the n-word without saying the n-word. The screeching Ramen noodle wedge who is single-handedly responsible for stretching out Jessica Biel’s 15 minutes quickly hit the delete button on that tweet, but by then, dozens of people had already RT’d it and began pulling out his Keratin-straightened locks by the root. Who knows if Madge saw the tweet, but I’m sure JT will tell it to her face the next time he sees her and she’ll reply by saying, “#thanksmynigga!” And yes, she’ll say hash tag out loud, because Madge is the kind of cool mom who says “hash tag” out loud.
And I’m sure JT and Madge will respond to the outrage on Twitter by tweeting a picture of them throwing mothers while in warrior gear. Yes, that’s what he meant by “mother chucking ninja.”
Lindsay Lohan’s snatch has probably seen more peen than the Scientology glory hole on John Travolta’s birthday (yes, potent jealousy oozed out of my finger pores when I typed that), so when I read that she made a fuck list of the 36 famous dicks that have visited her freckled crotch carniceria at least once, I thought to myself, “Only 36?!” LiLo needs to step up her star fucker game, because I would’ve guessed that her celebrity fuck list would be longer than a Jonathan Franzen novel or had just three words on it: ALL OF THEM.
InTouch Weekly claims that on a night in January 2013, LiLo and her friends were getting drunk at a bar in the Beverly Hills Hotel and she made a list of every piece of famous (or semi-not-really famous) ass she’s had. The source shat this out:
“They were giggling and talking shit about people in the industry. It was her personal conquest list. She was trying to impress her friends with the list and then tossed it aside. The list has some pretty big names on it, and they’re not all single guys. This getting out now could rock several Hollywood relationships to the core.”
And LiLo just so happened to have a Scattergories (more like Scatterwhories, no, I don’t know what that means) score sheet on her to write the list on.
On the list is PC Valmorbida, Joaquin Phoenix, Nico Tortorella, Evan Peters, Wilmer Valderrama, Jamie Burke, Jamie Dornan, Zac Efron (coke really does make you do some fucked up shit), Justin Timberlake, Colin Farrell, Heath Ledger, Ryan Rottman, Max George, Guy Berryman, James Franco and Adam Levine.
InTouch didn’t burp out all of the names, because they’re milking this. In their next issue, they will reveal more names including the name of a really rich and newly engaged TV star (Charlie Sheen, duh), a newly single A-lister and an Oscar-winning actress’ ex-husband.
If that list is real and it isn’t a figment of LiLo’s coked-up imagination, her pussy should clap for itself, because there’s some hot pieces on that list. And speaking of the clap, the Beverly Hills free clinic would like to see every dude on this list, except for Adam Levine and Colin Farrell since those two sluts are already VIP patients.
Even though Jimmy Fallon’s rapping makes these two look like Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, he still decided to cap off The Tonight Show’s Parade of Stars week by rapping The History of Rap Pt. 5 with his bff Justin Timberlake. And I’m giving it zero stars, two thumbs down, and a sour-looking pissed-off face because it left me disappointed and crestfallen. YES, CRESTFALLEN. No Addams Groove? No Ninja Rap? NO TOP THAT??? It should be considered a Class 4 Felony to exclude Top That from a historical account of rap. You’d think that by the fifth time around they’d have worked through the filler like Biggie Smalls and NWA and gotten to the real underground shit (or maybe he’s saving it for Brian Williams? Fingers crossed).
YAAASSSS!!! Taco Bell is finally getting the A-list respect it deserves! Nothing says ‘Congratulations’ like the reward of 2 Doritos Locos tacos, nachos supreme, and a 24oz Mountain Dew Baja Blast, and apparently Justin Timberlake agrees. After taking home 3 People’s Choice Awards last night, Justin decided to celebrate his winnings in the same way I celebrate my cellphone company turning my phone back on by taking the party to Taco Bell and posting a picture to Instagram.
Now, we all know that Justin’s b-hole is probably too precious for the asshole-tearing that is Taco Bell Meat-Style Filling™, so I don’t believe for a damn minute that he ate anything from Taco Bell besides a Diet Pepsi and a packet of mild Border Sauce. I doubt he’s built up the tolerance needed to handle Taco Bell without shitting your pants. I mean, I have, but my training involved eating it at least once a week for a year. I could walk into a Taco Bell in the middle of Kansas (where they pronounce it tay-koes), watch them assemble my food with items pulled from a box labeled with a question mark, and not spend a moment on the toilet. I believe that’s called ‘living the dream’.
Regardless, Justin seemed to have a good time riding high off taco farts and freedom at Taco Bell, since he left his boring-ass bowl of Cream of Wheat wife, Jessica Biel, at home; but he was kind enough to acknowledge her during his acceptance speech:
“I’d like to thank all the fans who voted. I’ll take it — people’s champ, I love it. And I’d like to thank my beautiful wife for teaching me patience and the little things like just putting the dishes in the dish washer. It goes a long way — fellas, you’re welcome!”
Isn’t it cute when rich people act like they know what a dishwasher is? As if they don’t have a disgruntled Eastern European housekeeper who silently curses in Polish under her breath every time she finds a 3-day old bowl of Lucky Charms in the den. I bet JT hasn’t loaded a dishwasher since his ‘N Sync days, and even then, something tells me Chris Kirkpatrick was the dishwasher if the group (he had to do something, right?)