I really wish Justin Timberlake would keep his scat queen fantasies (or should I say, “fantafeces“?) to himself, but he didn’t during his interview with GQ for their Men of the Year issue. The Keratin Kween told GQ’s Amy Wallace that critics have shit on him so much that he feels like the only working toilet in the Paltrow-Martin mansion during a family cleanse. After Runner Runner (which sounds like something you’d call a ho with the runs) turned out to be a floating turd that nobody paid to see, Variety wrote a long ass piece titled “Justin Timberlake: Why He Should Stop Acting” and reading it made him feel like he was getting a feces facial.
“So I find it ironic that I’m doing an interview with you about Man of the Year when I feel—literally—like a bunch of people just took a shit on my face.”
JT’s talk with GQ happened right when Variety told him to shred his SAG card for once and for all, so his throbbing b-hole was still hot about it and he let it out. JT said that the “vitriol” is just mean and he’s not cut out for it. And as he wiped the skid marks from his face, he spit out this doody bubble:
“This face. This recognizable face that you work so hard to get—not because you want the recognition but because you know you’re made to do it. The movie didn’t do well at the box office, so I should quit? Hold on a second. If I was somebody else, you wouldn’t have said that. I have the number one album this week, and I shouldn’t have released it? Come on, man. You sound like a dickhead…. It just shocked me because, like, you’re trade magazines. None of your opinions count. And by the way, none of you can do it.”
Am I the only one who pictured him saying, “THIS FACE” while he had caca all over it? Haha, JT, you’ve got poo poo on your face.
This is the way that I see it. Variety didn’t tell any lies, Justin ShitterLake is pissing off people who critique movies for a living and I just can’t feel sorry for him. Cry me a river, Justin! Actually, since a bunch of people just shat on your face, don’t do that. Nobody wants a diarrhea river the same way nobody wants a Runner Runner 2.
If you’re anything like me, you started your morning out sitting somewhere in a daze, desperately reaching for the coffee maker from across the room like some kind of bunkassed Jedi while inviting Daylight Saving Time to blow you. Reading that Chris Kirkpatrick got married and watching some old N’SYNC videos on YouTube is doing a better job breathing life into me than coffee ever could. Between the TLC-wore-it-better satin pajamas, Justin’s moldy Top Ramen hair, JC dry humping a padded cell and Lance Bass as a chick magnet, this is better than caffeine.
Anyway, fifth runner up in a 1998 spring break Adam Duritz lookalike contest Chris married Karly Skladany on Saturday with all his band members in attendance. Loose-lipped Lance (also his Craigslist username) gave a few details about the wedding during his XM Satellite radio show Dirty Pop (via USWeekly) on October 29, including Chris having little interest in the “finer things”, resulting in the renting of Joey-Fatone-size-fits-all tuxedos.
“What’s really hilarious to me is that we went to get fitted for our tuxes at Men’s Warehouse — and he got us the cheapest tuxes there he could possibly get, which I think is so Chris and very lovely,” Bass revealed during his show. “I mean that’s just who he is.”
He joked: “I think its hilarious to know that Justin Timberlake is going to be in a Men’s Warehouse tux ushering the wedding.”
“Chris is a cheap ass motherfucker and should know I don’t get out of bed for less than Armani! The only good part about this crap is knowing Timberlake will be at the reception, busting out the Electric Slide in rented pants steeped in so much dried groomsman ball sweat, no amount of dry cleaning will ever get it out.”
Weddings these days seem so over the top and self-indulgent, knowing someone had a shitload of money to spend and didn’t is a nice change of pace. Looking at you, Kanye. All this wedding really needed to be successful was some floor-clearing “Bye Bye Bye” marionette choreography, Justin doing an impromptu “Dick In A Box” performance while grinding on Chris’s grandma, and the always classy Reichen Lehmkuhl crashing the open bar, declaring his love for Lance and being forcefully removed from the premises by Jessica Biel.
(Pic via Twitter)
“Know when to walk away” isn’t only one of the taglines for Runner Runner. It’s also what everybody said to themselves after they thought about buying tickets to see Justin Timberlake’s latest contribution to cinema’s growing mountain of turds. Justin Timberlake is still trying to be a huge A-list movie star and America is still trying to tell him to shut up and sing (or become a regular cast member on SNL already), because nobody wants to see his face on the big screen.
While some of us were jizzing at the eyeballs over all the special effects in Gravity (Side note: The most impressive part of Gravity was Sandra Bullock’s zero gravity-defying wig. It stayed on through all that shit. That brand of wig glue deserves an honorary Oscah!), tumbleweeds blew through all the theaters showing Runner Runner. Box Office Mojo says that Gravity broke October box office records in the US and debuted at #1 with $56 million. Runner Runner flopped with $7.6 million and it came in at #3 behind Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2.
The critics also let JT know that he should probably install a shelf over his toilet to put the Razzie he’ll get for his performance in Runner Runner (which according to UrbanDictionary is the name for a stubborn shit that refuses to flush, fitting).
I didn’t even know what this mess was about until I looked up the plot on Wikipedia just now. This crap is about the dangerous and thrilling world of ONLINE GAMBLING?! Online gambling! I knew an online gambler and dude’s skin was grey from barely ever going outside (like mine!) and he’d only go outside to buy his meals (aka beer, Top Ramen and Totino’s Pizza Rolls) for the week at Costco. If they turned that dude’s everyday life into a movie, it would probably be a better movie than Runner Runner as long as Justin Timberlake didn’t star in it.
And here’s JT celebrating his latest flop by playing golf in Burbank, CA yesterday.
I see JT photo bombing in the alleyway between their legs…
Justin Timberlake must’ve inhaled too many fumes during his daily Keratin treatment, because he did something he never does: he unlocked Jessica Biel’s cage door and let her go to his premiere in Las Vegas AND he posed next to her. Anything can happen now that Justin Timberlake posed with his wife on the red carpet. Even he looks surprised over this shocking new development.
Last night, the world premiere of Runner, Runner starring JT, Ben Affleck and Gemma Arterton happened at the Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas. UsWeekly compared JT and Jessica Biel’s “matching” tuxedos to the legendary “King and Queen of the Canadian Prom” outfits that he and Brit Brit wore a million lives ago. Nothing offends me, but UsWeekly comparing these basic bitch outfits to Brit Brit and JT’s double denim rainbow is highly offensive.
Brit Brit and JT’s outfits belong in a museum and these outfits don’t. He looks like the back-up saxophone player in a Rat Pack-themed show in Reno and she’s dressed like a catering waiter at a matador-themed party.
I expect a full apology from UsWeekly for this!
For about three seconds during Justin Timberlake’s 45-hour-long performance, he made the clits and ass lips of every 20-something and 30-something fly off of their bodies by reuniting with ‘N Sync. If you blinked, you missed it all, but keep your eyes open to watch all 20 seconds of it, because Chris Kirkpatrick was EVERYTHING. He looked like my 50-something-year-old Tio Pablo dancing to a mariachi band while completely sober. I know Chris Kirkpatrick’s not old, but he looked like the slowest member of the retirement home dance troupe. I kind of wanted to spread Ben-Gay all over my screen while watching this shit, because he’s going to be sore tomorrow. You can hear the puffing and you can hear joints crack.
Even though it was kind of like “Justin Timberlake and his back-up dancers,” I loved it! They’re definitely thinking about a reunion tour and by “they,” I every member but Justin Timberlake.
I should’ve warned you to put on a pair of goggles and a mouth mask before staring at that picture, because now you’ve probably got L.A. Looks gel crusties stuck to your eyeballs and you’re choking on a cloud of White Rain hairspray fumes.
Millions of 20-somethings and 30-somethings are recovering this morning after the teenager inside of them blew up while reading about how ‘N Sync may reunite at the MTV VMAs this Sunday. Justin Timberlake is getting the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award and Page Six says that during his performance, Lance Bass, JC Chasez, Chris Kirkpatrick and Joey Fatone will sashay out for an ‘N Sync reunion. ‘N Sync all hung out together on Friday night at Justin’s show in Miami, so that means their reunion is TOTALLY going to happen or Lance, JC, Chris and Joey were only there for the open bar.
I am all for this reunion, but only if they reunite with those outfits and hairstyles too. Justin needs to break up with Keratin and bring back his uncooked Ramen noodle hair and JC needs to remind George Clooney who the true King of the 90s Caesar Cut was. And I really miss Lance Bass looking like a middle-aged lesbian comedian from the 90s who never really made it and always accuses Ellen DeGeneres of stealing her life! And those pajama tops….. and Joey Fatone’s gorgeous brunette angel wing bangs. I am lost in this picture and could go on and on…
Before Justin Timberlake stepped onto the NYC set of his music video for the trademark-infringing song “Take Back The Night,” he prepared his hair for a serious battle against the humidity. Bitch was not going to let the humidity take back the straight from his hair. Justin got three Kertain treatments, smothered his hair with some Luster’s Pink Smooth Touch Relaxer, ironed it on an ironing board Hairspray-style, made Gabourey Sidibe and CoCo sit on his hair for a few hours and then he shellacked the whole thing. Bitch killed the curl and his glorious ramen noodle hair is never coming back. JT looks like he’s wearing a plastic hair wig inspired by Macklemore’s ‘do and that’s just the way he likes it.
And while he was killing his curls, I wish somebody killed that outfit before it ended up on his body. He’s got a damn trompe l’oeil bullet-proof vest on his white shirt. I wish International Male (RIP!) would take back that outfit.
While dressed like an off-duty yoga teacher, Jessica Biel took her pit bull Tina and one of her boxers for a walk in NYC yesterday and she held onto a remote control for their shock collars which made The Daily Mail say that she “may face a backlash from some fans.” The Daily Mail is so crazy and out of touch as always. Jessica Biel face backlash from her fans?! Jessica Biel doesn’t have fans! Stop playing, Daily Mail.
Tina Biel (that’s a really hot name for a pit bull, actually) and one of Jessica’s boxers had Cesar Milan-approved shock collars around their necks as they strolled around NYC yesterday and I’m guessing it’s because Jessica never knows when an obese squirrel (or Donald Trump’s hair) is going to pass by causing her dogs to freak out. I don’t know. But Tina Biel and the boxers (Note: That’s my band name, so don’t you even THINK about) aren’t alone, though. Jessica makes Justin Timberlake wear one too. How do you think Justin hits those high notes? Whenever you see Justin hitting a high note on stage, just know that Jessica Biel is somewhere off stage pressing the button on the remote that controls his shock cock ring.
And really, I know a few humans who should wear a shock collar or twenty. (I’m talking to you, chick at the Trader Joe’s who asked if she could cut in front of me in the cashier line since she only had two items and then let her friend cut in front of her. Shock collar for both of you bitches!)
Keratin spokesmodel Justin Timberlake queefed out the art for his new single “Tunnel Vision” and I don’t know if this ugliest single art I’ve ever seen or the greatest. It looks like a low-budget, MS Paint-made bachelor party invitation for a groom who has a weird obsession with James Bond. I didn’t even see the silhouette of the naked lady at fist. All I saw was NOSE! and then realized his nose is that chick’s saggy chichi. Saggy ass nose tit. If Justin Timberlake’s going to be using his nose as a chichi, he should really get a tit lift on his schnoz. But using his juicy pimple as her nipple was an elegant touch.
Here’s Justin leaving the relaunch of MySpace in Hollywood last night. I’m afraid to go to my old MySpace page, because I’m afraid to hear what my last MySpace page “theme song” was . Probably something by Cleopatra.
Speaking of meaningless titles that magazines give, because why not?
TIME celebrated their 100 Most Influential People at a gala in NYC last night and one of those most influential showed up looking like a terracotta Siamese Cat figurine covered in oil-based lacquer. You might be wondering how exactly is Xtina one of the most influential people of the year? Well, Xtina has influenced many to not wear leggings out in public and if you’re going to wear leggings out in public, make sure to not bend over in front of a camera unless you want your ass to look like two baby warthogs butting heads under a Hefty bag. Xtina is also extremely influential, because she has influenced people to bleach the life out of their hair and throw all the make-up on their faces if they want to look like a demure oyster. And she’s also influenced me to immediately buy a red lips mic stand, because it looks like a giant string of anal beads inspired by Mick Jagger’s mouth.
See, Xtina is influenza (Freudian typo) in so many ways!
And here’s the other most influential influentials being all influential at Time’s most influential gala. Influentialness in order: Influentialtina, Lena Dunham (looking like one of Sleeping Beauty’s fairies gone wrong), Robin Thicke’s stand-in with Jessica Biel, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, Frank Ocean, Mia Farrow (wearing an outfit from the fashion label DontGiveAFuck) with her son, Mark Burnett with Roma “Touched By A Plastic Surgeon” Downey, Jimmy Fallon with his wife, Olivia Munn, Tracy Anderson, my mom’s boo Dr. Oz and Barbara Walters.