A little over 70 guests watched HISTORY BEING MADE when they witnessed the former president of the Forever Alone Club, Jennifer Aniston, marry an actual living and breathing man. On the guest list was Courteney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, Chelsea Handler, Uncle Terry, Lake Bell, Howard Stern, Emily Blunt, John Krasinski, Jimmy Kimmel, Orlando, Bloom, Ellen DeGeneres, Portia de Rossi, Jason Bateman, Tobey Maguire, Whitney Cummings, Will Arnett and nearly every famous ho alive except for Matthew Perry and Matt LeBlanc. Jennifer Aniston needs to spend a long time in a class titled “Priorities: Learn How To Get Them Together” at the Learning Annex, because there’s something wrong when she invites Uncle Terry’s nasty smegma ass, but not Chandler and Joey, to her wedding.
Just two days after Jennifer Aniston got married to Justin Theroux (which caused the makers of the the boyfriend pillow to close shop since there’s no use for their company anymore), we have learned all sorts of thrilling details about the wedding and honeymoon. I know you really care.
UsWeekly says that Courteney Cox was Jennifer’s maid of honor and Lake Bell’s husband was Justin’s best man. During the reception, Sia sang some songs, Lindsay Lohan’s former partner in pussy Samantha Ronson
DJ’d pressed the play button on her iPod touch, everyone ate pasta and Uncle Terry took the pictures. (I can’t wait to see the pictures of him fucking the wedding cake.) TMZ says that Jennifer and Justin kept everything on the shush by using a vacant $10.7 million house next door to hers to hide all the tables, chairs and decorations for the reception. She had a temporary pathway built from the vacant house to her house so workers could transport everything without the paps finding out.
The day after the wedding, Justin, Jennifer and their friends got on a private jet headed for Bora Bora. People says that Jennifer and Justin are also in Bora Bora to celebrate his 44th birthday, so they asked a bunch of friends to come along. Chelsea Handler, Courteney Cox, her man, Jason Bateman and his wife all tagged along for Jennifer and Justin’s honeymoon/birthday party. UsWeekly says that everyone is staying at the Four Seasons. Jennifer is a good sugar mama, because they celebrated Justin’s birthday in Bora Bora last year too.
Basically, all those words I typed above add up to one simple fact: Bitch is RICH as shit. Specifically, she’s as rich as Oprah’s shit since Oprah shits pure gold and diamonds.
At first I thought that a group honeymoon (which I guess is like group sex without the sex) sounded kind of a fun, because looking at the same face every day for a week can get boring. But then I saw grainy pictures of the group. Children came along! That sounds like a nightmare in paradise. Not only does Jennifer have to deal with screaming children, but she also has to deal with seeing Chelsea Handler strut her naked body all over the place since Chelsea doesn’t wear clothes anymore. If I was Jennifer I’d be afraid that there wasn’t enough booze on the island for me to deal with that shit.
And if you want to see a picture of Jennifer and Justin in Bora Bora, People has one. It’s so clear! It looks like a Monet painting of two turnips in hats.
Those shameless bitches just couldn’t let Jennifer Aniston have one day. ONE DAY! They had to try to upstage her by releasing the trailer for their 70s perfume commercial of a high art movie. Surprisingly, there’s not a scene in the trailer where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie-Pitt (she’s going by that now) dance around a pile of burning Aveeno and Smart Water bottles. But you know, I doubt Jennifer Aniston cares. She’s too busy picking dried cum balls out of her hair since Uncle Terry probably jizzed all over her and Justin Theroux instead of throwing rice at them.
Here’s the trailer for By The Sea, which St. Angie Jolie-Pitt directed, wrote and of course, stars in with Brad Pitt. /Film says that By The Sea takes place in the mid-70s and St. Angie plays a former dancer named Vanessa who goes to a seaside resort town in France with her American writer husband Roland (B. Pitt) as their marriage bites the dust. It’s like Mr. and Mrs. Smith get moody in a commercial for Dolce & Gabbana’s newest fragrance “Mascara Tears.” Get swept away by the pretentiousness and DRAMA:
It looks like their W Magazine photo shoot characters went to Europe where they smoked cigarettes, stared at things, took baths, got the sads and cried. This is their Eyes Wide Shut and we all know how that worked out for Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise. No, I’m sure it won’t end with them breaking up for real. It’ll end with them drowning in a million OSCUHS!
Tabloid editors just dumped all their pre-written “Lonely Jen Cries Into A Bowl Of Ice Cream Soup After Justin Calls Off The Wedding” cover stories into the trash and are yelling at their minions to quickly write stories about how Jen is trying for baby even though her new marriage is on the rocks. Because according to both People and E!, sources (aka either Jennifer’s publicist or her greediest Cabbage Patch doll looking for some easy cash) confirm that Jennifer Aniston made Justin Theroux her second husband yesterday. This probably means that the Summer of Splits has finally come to an end now that Jennifer Fucking Aniston got married.
TMZ reported this morning that some kind of party went down at Jennifer Aniston’s house in Bel Air yesterday and it looked and smelled like a wedding. Well, it turns out it was a wedding. Paps caught a pastor going into her house and workers were spotted with a cake that had a groom puppet and a bride puppet on top of it. The likes of Chelsea Handler, Howard Stern, Sia, Ellen DeGeneres, Lisa Kudrow and John Krasinski all showed up.
Jennifer and Justin started doing it full-time in 2010. They got engaged around his birthday, which is August 10th, in 2012 and many hos thought that pigs would sprout wings and learn to fly before these two actually got married.
There aren’t many details about the wedding, but I’m sure that in the next couple of weeks, we’ll see all the pictures in every magazine from People to Dogster Magazine to Haute Doll Magazine (her American Girl dolls, who were her bridesmaids probably, will get an exclusive spread in that one), because Jennifer’s publicist doesn’t play around. I’m guessing that Jennifer wore a dress made from her dried ~lonely~ tears and that everyone passed out at the end of the night. Jennifer passed out from doing celebratory tequila shots off of Chelsea Handler’s ass and Justin passed out after his tuxedo jeggings cut off his circulation completely. Congrats!
“Quitter!” just hissed Tan Mom, as she smeared a layer of Crisco onto her skin, stuffed a handful of cornbread stuffing up her ass, and slid herself into a 425-degree oven for the next 6 hours.
America’s unofficial cultural suntanning attaché to Cabo Jennifer Aniston recently admitted to People that her days of laying out in the sun until her skin resembles that of the dust on a Nacho Cheese Dorito are over. And the Candy Finnigans of the world better watch out, because SPF 50’s former arch enemy says she held her own intervention.
“I gave myself a sun-tanning intervention a few years ago, where I was basically saying, ‘Let’s just quit while we’re ahead.’ I was not great as a kid with sunscreen. That’s one of my big regrets.”
I just pictured a tan-desperate Jennifer Aniston driving past a strip mall tanning salon called U-FRY 4 LESS, walking in, slapping a crumpled $20 bill on the counter, opening the lid of a filthy tanning bed and finding a pair of tanning goggles floating in a greasy puddle of accelerator, and thinking “Well, this is it – this is my rock bottom.”
Jennifer Aniston also wants you to know that she’s pumped the breaks on makeup too, which is something her fiance Justin Theroux is into:
“I’m less attached to [makeup] now. And Justin loves me without.”
Speaking of personal interventions, it sounds like Justin has a pretty heavy addiction to jewelery:
“He’s got a lot of hardware. He wears a chain. He has a gold chunky ring. When we get married he will be wearing his ring. It just won’t say Justin anymore,” she says of the ring he currently wears, adding that perhaps instead it will say Jen “on the inside.”
All that jewelery may seem harmless, even fun, right now, but it’s a slippery slope. Just ask Johnny Depp! If Jenny doesn’t act fast and get him some help, it’s only a matter of time before Justin is knuckles-deep in skull rings and gold teeth.
No, Jennifer Aniston is not shoving pie filling from a jar into her mouth hole to keep herself from bawling while listening to “Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)” over and over again after Oscar became the latest asshole to screw with her emotions. As The Hollywood Reporter says, Jennifer Aniston is doing fine! She’s rich, she’s got Justin Theroux and she’s not wearing pants. She’s fine and you shouldn’t believe all the future tabloid covers that will read: “Poor, Miserable Jen In A Tailspin Of Emotions After Getting Rejected Again!”
Seen above looking like she’s taking a really happy shit, Jennifer Aniston did a really, really, long, long interview with The Hollywood Reporter where she talked about having Dyslexia, talking to Brad Pitt and having kids. You know, the usual.
If you haven’t been able to guess by the sound of gleeful cackling coming from a fancy weed-scented chateau in France, Jennifer Aniston didn’t with that Best Most Serious Actress Who Isn’t Rachel Green Anymore award at the Golden Globes last night. Even though she’s been hustling Cake like the rent was due yesterday (see: that time she promoted Cake on The Dr. Oz Show), it doesn’t look like it really bothered her that much that she lost to Julianne Moore, because Jennifer Aniston truly is everyone’s no-fucks-given aunt.
First off, she arrived with the right attitude: be drunk and stay drunk, which she proved by grabbing Kate Hudson’s ass on the red carpet. Then she remained totally unfazed as she presented an award with America’s Current Lizard Sweetheart, Benedict Cumberbatch. That bitch was so chill, I bet that when she lost, she turned to Justin Theroux and was like “Well, that’s that. I’m going to the bathroom to take off my Spanx. Watch my purse, will ya?” Even when she was waiting for her ride at the end of the night, this TMZ video proves she was still a buzzed ball of fun:
As if calling someone a “fucker” wasn’t enough to win my heart for eternity, she was also dressed like the coolest girl at my high school prom: tits covered in sequins, thigh-high slit, wearing some random rented cummerbund she found on the floor of a limo, and her hair done up in a french twist with one single face-framing strand that she styled in the bathroom using a flask of Malibu. Basically = the coolest.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston, as well as a bunch of other well-dressed types last night, like Emma Stone wearing pants and a fancy tube top and Naomi Watts wearing a diamond snake:
Jennifer Aniston Admits That The Giant-Ass Engagement Ring Justin Theroux Gave Her Isn’t Exactly Her Style
I’ve always been a sucker for a gremlin-sized diamond ring. I like ’em big and gaudy and glassy and cheap-looking (I also thought that Bonnie Rumsfield from The ‘Burbs was the epitome of high class when I was a little girl), which is why I’ve always liked the 78-carat diamond behemoth engagement ring Justin Theroux gave to Jennifer Aniston. It’s so classy, in an exquisite Florida scented candle tycoon sort of way. However, it sounds like Jennifer Aniston has a different definition of classy than I do, because she tells The New York Times (via People) that it’s not really her thing.
During the same interview where Jennifer said that Justin is a gift sent to her from one of her exes, she also sort of alludes to the fact that her ex might have forgotten to send her a dude with good taste by describing the engagement ring he gave her as follows:
“It’s a rock, I know. He rocked it up. It took me a while to get used to it. I’m not a diamond girl. I’m more Indian jewelry and stuff.”
You hear that Justin? It’s not too late to take it back and pick out something nice at Namaste Depot. But I think I understand what she’s saying; some people just can’t handle the type of ring that could potentially sprain your wrist. A huge-ass ring like Jen’s is meant for a hand that does dick-all all day, like those belonging to fancy society wives, professional pretty people, aspiring gold diggers, full-time glamorous humans, and Joan Collins.
Justin needs to remember that he didn’t need to go overboard in the ring department just because her first husband was Brad Pitt. Brad may be a big-time movie star, but he was also stoned for 90% of their marriage, so as long as Justin doesn’t give her an onion ring (then ask for it back, because he’s got a wicked case of “snack fever“), I think he’ll be fine.
Well, one thing is for sure – his double-stuffed Pillsbury dough bulge is a gift from God.
During an interview with The New York Times, Jennifer Aniston shared a sort of sweet/sort of spooky theory about one of her ex-boyfriends and her current piece Justin Theroux. After being asked a bunch of questions about the paps and the tabloids and her ex-husband Brad Pitt (which would bring this week’s tally up to…), Jenny changed the subject and decided to talk about her “first love”, a guy she dated for 5 years who later passed away from a brain tumor. Apparently she didn’t fully appreciate him at the time, but 20 years later, she thinks maybe she’s been given a second chance, courtesy of her ex:
“He would have been the one. But I was 25, and I was stupid. He must have sent me Justin to make up for it all.”
I’ve never been to Heaven, so I have no idea what it’s like. But I can imagine it gets boring sometimes (it’s literally filled with old people, and old people spend 87% of the day napping) and you have to make your own fun. So why not set your exes up with hot younger dudes? It’s the nice thing to do, and you are an angel, after all. Plus I’m sure that all that charity work gets you some major points with Jesus, and that’s never a bad thing.
Long before Damon Lindelof’s depressing grief porn The Leftovers started airing, Justin Theroux’s Brazilian steakhouse dick and balls became the breakout stars of the show when paparazzi took pictures of them doing jumping jacks in his tight sweats while filming a running scene for the pilot on Long Island last year. Justin’s Chuck Full O’Nuts made its first appearance on the pilot episode and a second appearance on the most recent episode. I’m glad that producers didn’t try to cover it up with a shrub or a bear or something, because now his flopping bulge is a shoo-in to win Best Guest Actor in a Drama at the Emmys next year.
Justin was on Conan last night and Conan O’Brien did his job as a citizen by bringing up the floppy piece in Justin’s sweats. Conan said that all the women on his staff wanted to know everything about the bouncing bulge. Was it a twisted mic cord? Was he free balling it? Was he wearing a mold of Cisco Adler’s yo yo nuts? Is his bulge a major plot point and soon we’ll learn that the missing are in Justin’s pants? Justin said that he didn’t know his pendulum peen was a thing until he shot the second running scene. When Justin went to get his costume for the second scene, there were two pairs of underwear hanging in the dressing room and he thought he got to choose. But the costumer let him know that he had to wear both, because when he runs, his dick and balls look like three Beanie Babies fighting in a small tent.
So on the last episode of The Leftovers, Justin was wearing TWO pairs of panties and his dick still swung around so much that my eyes went back and forth like I was watching a tennis game in fast forward. Dear The Hammaconda, a new challenger has arrived!
But really, Jon Hamm is not impressed. The Mad Men costumers have to hold The Hammaconda down with duct tape, Super Glue, chains and four professional alligator wrestlers and it still can’t be contained.