“Quitter!” just hissed Tan Mom, as she smeared a layer of Crisco onto her skin, stuffed a handful of cornbread stuffing up her ass, and slid herself into a 425-degree oven for the next 6 hours.
America’s unofficial cultural suntanning attaché to Cabo Jennifer Aniston recently admitted to People that her days of laying out in the sun until her skin resembles that of the dust on a Nacho Cheese Dorito are over. And the Candy Finnigans of the world better watch out, because SPF 50’s former arch enemy says she held her own intervention.
“I gave myself a sun-tanning intervention a few years ago, where I was basically saying, ‘Let’s just quit while we’re ahead.’ I was not great as a kid with sunscreen. That’s one of my big regrets.”
I just pictured a tan-desperate Jennifer Aniston driving past a strip mall tanning salon called U-FRY 4 LESS, walking in, slapping a crumpled $20 bill on the counter, opening the lid of a filthy tanning bed and finding a pair of tanning goggles floating in a greasy puddle of accelerator, and thinking “Well, this is it – this is my rock bottom.”
Jennifer Aniston also wants you to know that she’s pumped the breaks on makeup too, which is something her fiance Justin Theroux is into:
“I’m less attached to [makeup] now. And Justin loves me without.”
Speaking of personal interventions, it sounds like Justin has a pretty heavy addiction to jewelery:
“He’s got a lot of hardware. He wears a chain. He has a gold chunky ring. When we get married he will be wearing his ring. It just won’t say Justin anymore,” she says of the ring he currently wears, adding that perhaps instead it will say Jen “on the inside.”
All that jewelery may seem harmless, even fun, right now, but it’s a slippery slope. Just ask Johnny Depp! If Jenny doesn’t act fast and get him some help, it’s only a matter of time before Justin is knuckles-deep in skull rings and gold teeth.
No, Jennifer Aniston is not shoving pie filling from a jar into her mouth hole to keep herself from bawling while listening to “Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)” over and over again after Oscar became the latest asshole to screw with her emotions. As The Hollywood Reporter says, Jennifer Aniston is doing fine! She’s rich, she’s got Justin Theroux and she’s not wearing pants. She’s fine and you shouldn’t believe all the future tabloid covers that will read: “Poor, Miserable Jen In A Tailspin Of Emotions After Getting Rejected Again!”
Seen above looking like she’s taking a really happy shit, Jennifer Aniston did a really, really, long, long interview with The Hollywood Reporter where she talked about having Dyslexia, talking to Brad Pitt and having kids. You know, the usual.
If you haven’t been able to guess by the sound of gleeful cackling coming from a fancy weed-scented chateau in France, Jennifer Aniston didn’t with that Best Most Serious Actress Who Isn’t Rachel Green Anymore award at the Golden Globes last night. Even though she’s been hustling Cake like the rent was due yesterday (see: that time she promoted Cake on The Dr. Oz Show), it doesn’t look like it really bothered her that much that she lost to Julianne Moore, because Jennifer Aniston truly is everyone’s no-fucks-given aunt.
First off, she arrived with the right attitude: be drunk and stay drunk, which she proved by grabbing Kate Hudson’s ass on the red carpet. Then she remained totally unfazed as she presented an award with America’s Current Lizard Sweetheart, Benedict Cumberbatch. That bitch was so chill, I bet that when she lost, she turned to Justin Theroux and was like “Well, that’s that. I’m going to the bathroom to take off my Spanx. Watch my purse, will ya?” Even when she was waiting for her ride at the end of the night, this TMZ video proves she was still a buzzed ball of fun:
As if calling someone a “fucker” wasn’t enough to win my heart for eternity, she was also dressed like the coolest girl at my high school prom: tits covered in sequins, thigh-high slit, wearing some random rented cummerbund she found on the floor of a limo, and her hair done up in a french twist with one single face-framing strand that she styled in the bathroom using a flask of Malibu. Basically = the coolest.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston, as well as a bunch of other well-dressed types last night, like Emma Stone wearing pants and a fancy tube top and Naomi Watts wearing a diamond snake:
Jennifer Aniston Admits That The Giant-Ass Engagement Ring Justin Theroux Gave Her Isn’t Exactly Her Style
I’ve always been a sucker for a gremlin-sized diamond ring. I like ’em big and gaudy and glassy and cheap-looking (I also thought that Bonnie Rumsfield from The ‘Burbs was the epitome of high class when I was a little girl), which is why I’ve always liked the 78-carat diamond behemoth engagement ring Justin Theroux gave to Jennifer Aniston. It’s so classy, in an exquisite Florida scented candle tycoon sort of way. However, it sounds like Jennifer Aniston has a different definition of classy than I do, because she tells The New York Times (via People) that it’s not really her thing.
During the same interview where Jennifer said that Justin is a gift sent to her from one of her exes, she also sort of alludes to the fact that her ex might have forgotten to send her a dude with good taste by describing the engagement ring he gave her as follows:
“It’s a rock, I know. He rocked it up. It took me a while to get used to it. I’m not a diamond girl. I’m more Indian jewelry and stuff.”
You hear that Justin? It’s not too late to take it back and pick out something nice at Namaste Depot. But I think I understand what she’s saying; some people just can’t handle the type of ring that could potentially sprain your wrist. A huge-ass ring like Jen’s is meant for a hand that does dick-all all day, like those belonging to fancy society wives, professional pretty people, aspiring gold diggers, full-time glamorous humans, and Joan Collins.
Justin needs to remember that he didn’t need to go overboard in the ring department just because her first husband was Brad Pitt. Brad may be a big-time movie star, but he was also stoned for 90% of their marriage, so as long as Justin doesn’t give her an onion ring (then ask for it back, because he’s got a wicked case of “snack fever“), I think he’ll be fine.
Well, one thing is for sure – his double-stuffed Pillsbury dough bulge is a gift from God.
During an interview with The New York Times, Jennifer Aniston shared a sort of sweet/sort of spooky theory about one of her ex-boyfriends and her current piece Justin Theroux. After being asked a bunch of questions about the paps and the tabloids and her ex-husband Brad Pitt (which would bring this week’s tally up to…), Jenny changed the subject and decided to talk about her “first love”, a guy she dated for 5 years who later passed away from a brain tumor. Apparently she didn’t fully appreciate him at the time, but 20 years later, she thinks maybe she’s been given a second chance, courtesy of her ex:
“He would have been the one. But I was 25, and I was stupid. He must have sent me Justin to make up for it all.”
I’ve never been to Heaven, so I have no idea what it’s like. But I can imagine it gets boring sometimes (it’s literally filled with old people, and old people spend 87% of the day napping) and you have to make your own fun. So why not set your exes up with hot younger dudes? It’s the nice thing to do, and you are an angel, after all. Plus I’m sure that all that charity work gets you some major points with Jesus, and that’s never a bad thing.
Long before Damon Lindelof’s depressing grief porn The Leftovers started airing, Justin Theroux’s Brazilian steakhouse dick and balls became the breakout stars of the show when paparazzi took pictures of them doing jumping jacks in his tight sweats while filming a running scene for the pilot on Long Island last year. Justin’s Chuck Full O’Nuts made its first appearance on the pilot episode and a second appearance on the most recent episode. I’m glad that producers didn’t try to cover it up with a shrub or a bear or something, because now his flopping bulge is a shoo-in to win Best Guest Actor in a Drama at the Emmys next year.
Justin was on Conan last night and Conan O’Brien did his job as a citizen by bringing up the floppy piece in Justin’s sweats. Conan said that all the women on his staff wanted to know everything about the bouncing bulge. Was it a twisted mic cord? Was he free balling it? Was he wearing a mold of Cisco Adler’s yo yo nuts? Is his bulge a major plot point and soon we’ll learn that the missing are in Justin’s pants? Justin said that he didn’t know his pendulum peen was a thing until he shot the second running scene. When Justin went to get his costume for the second scene, there were two pairs of underwear hanging in the dressing room and he thought he got to choose. But the costumer let him know that he had to wear both, because when he runs, his dick and balls look like three Beanie Babies fighting in a small tent.
So on the last episode of The Leftovers, Justin was wearing TWO pairs of panties and his dick still swung around so much that my eyes went back and forth like I was watching a tennis game in fast forward. Dear The Hammaconda, a new challenger has arrived!
But really, Jon Hamm is not impressed. The Mad Men costumers have to hold The Hammaconda down with duct tape, Super Glue, chains and four professional alligator wrestlers and it still can’t be contained.
Jennifer Aniston has said many times before that she tried Botox once, but she’ll never do it again, because she thinks it makes you look older and if she froze her face with that Nicole Kidman nectar how would she squirt out lonely tears of sadness into a bowl of ice cream soup after her man left her? While talking about her line of hair products and other shit with Bobbi Brown for Yahoo! Beauty, Aniston once again spit on Botox and said that Justin Theroux would threaten to murder her if she got plastic surgery on her face. So Jennifer Aniston keeps her face as smooth as a Cabbage Patch Doll’s ass by cleansing it with Smart Water and moisturizing it with Aveeno, obviously.
On how she wants to lose 5 pounds and is a freak of disgusting nature who only eats delicious carbs on the weekends: “I usually give myself bread on the weekends, but really, my body doesn’t love carbs. These days, if I was being super picky, I would love to drop 5 pounds. That is just where I have always been really comfortable at about 110 to 113 pounds. But it is harder at this age.”
On how women (cough cough Courteney Cox) who fill their face full of Botox look a mess: “There is also this pressure in Hollywood to be ageless. I think what I have been witness to, is seeing women trying to stay ageless with what they are doing to themselves. I am grateful to learn from their mistakes, because I am not injecting shit into my face. No honestly, I see them and my heart breaks. I think, ‘Oh god if you only know how much older you look.’ They are trying to stop the clock and all you can see is an insecure person who won’t let themselves just age. I also have a fiancé; who will put a gun to my head if I touch my face in any way.”
On how she uses lights and shit on her face and wishes she could tell her friends (cough cough hack cough Courteney Cox cough cough) in her life to stop Wildensteining themselves: “There are also so many things that women can do today with technology in terms of LED light therapy, good lasers that tighten the muscles, and massages for your face—and don’t forget great creams. I think that’s the route to go. I also understand that age is kind of awesome. I am fortunate enough to know women like Gloria Steinem, who I think is one of the most stunning women on the planet, and doesn’t touch her face. Diane Keaton, Annette Bening, all of these fabulous fearless women who are flawless, they embrace it! You know, to each their own; I don’t judge it if you do it, but sometimes I wish I could beg the people I know, who I am very near and dear to, to not touch their face.”
Um, I’m not a doctor or anything, but I’m pretty sure that a bullet to the face would screw up Aniston’s face more than a Botox injection would.
Aniston’s crazy, though. Like Justin Theroux is really going to hold a gun to the sole reason why he lives in a multi-million dollar Bel Air mansion with a coop full of chickens that poot out eggs. Real eggs! But I wonder if Justin would be mad if Aniston had plastic surgery before she got with his ass. Because if so, it’s going to be really awkward when he finds out that her nose didn’t get thinner from her hot, miserable tears burning off her nose skin after Brad Pitt left her for that hussy whore skank slut.
Here’s Aniston at some clinic the other day. No, it wasn’t a plastic surgery clinic, Justin, so you can put down the gun and go back to dying your hair with black shoe polish.
Details Magazine threw a party for their current cover ho Justin Theroux at the Tower Bar in L.A.’s Sunset Tower Hotel on Tuesday night and WWD got Jennifer Aniston to say a few words about the man who puts her Cabbage Patch Dolls to sleep every night and talks her off of the ledge when her maid misplaces one of her Beanie Babies. The WWD reporter who talked to Jennifer Aniston is probably still stoned, because when she opened her mouth, out came forty waves of the good shit smoke and vodka fumes. Jennifer was either six kinds of stoned or she was six kinds of drunk or six kinds of both. Or maybe she’s just suffering from stage 10 dickmatization and getting good dick has warped her brain. Because Jennifer didn’t only jack Justin Theroux off with her words. She jacked him, sucked him, rode him and let him finish in her butt. She laid it on thick. Jennifer talking about Justin sounds a lot like the looniest loon in Bellevue’s Brangeloonie department talking about St. Angie Jolie.
“I commend him for his courage. This is not normal for him. He’s so graceful and utterly kind and golden. It is amazing. He’s just so beautiful and handsome to me, and I love that his eyeballs are so beautifully captured because those eyes just knock me out every day. He just gets better every year. He’s just like a lost gem in the sand, and he’s just always been there and been brilliant, and now this is just in a different light.”
Whether it be Justin’s dick, weed or booze, bitch is on something, because she’s talking crazy. “His eyeballs are so beautifully captured.” That’s some serial killer shit. If Justin ever decides that being with Jennifer is not worth living in a multi-million dollar estate in Bel Air and he leaves her, dude better either join the Witness Protection Program immediately or get a SWAT team to protect his beautifully captured eyeballs. Because if he ever breaks up with her, he won’t remember a thing after saying, “It’s over.” He’ll wake up to the darkness in the ER as Jennifer Aniston is in her bed, kissing his torn-off eyeballs in between telling them, “Now we’ll always be together….“
File under “DUH” (and also under “FOR WHY didn’t the pap use a telephoto lens??”) (and also under “Thank god no one saw me touch my computer screen just now”). On Wednesday night, Liv Tyler admitted on Watch What Happens Live that she had a difficult time paying attention during Justin Theroux’s jogging scene in the pilot episode of The Leftovers because it looked like her co-star had rented out the crotch of his sweatpants to a family of fat squirrels:
“There was this scene where he was jogging. And there was quite a large bulge in his sweatpants, and it was all over. I get distracted when I watch the pilot, definitely. I’m like, ‘Can’t help but look there.’ But I’ve never noticed the bulge other times.”
Obviously the gold standard for lumpy bulges belongs to Jon Hamm and his incredible two oranges in a plastic shopping bag bulge, but Mr. Jennifer Aniston’s nut pile deserves at least a runner-up ribbon. And I think Liv Tyler might have just discovered a new way to draw in viewers. Just like how The Walking Dead has Talking Dead, The Leftovers could have a talk show called The Lowhangers, where Liv Tyler and guests discuss the bulges featured in the episode they just watched, as well as teasing clips of bulges from next week’s show. You want to know how I know it will be a success? I literally had 0 interest in The Leftovers until I heard the word “bulge”, and then all of a sudden I got the urge to delete old episodes of Mad Men off my computer to make room for an HD rip of the pilot episode. Bulges get viewers!
The premiere of HBO’s The Leftovers (aka The Others from Lost Move To Long Island) happened in NYC last night and Jennifer Aniston figured it was the perfect time to kill all those break-up rumors her publicist probably leaked himself by getting on Justin Theroux like he was a Cabbage Patch doll knocked up with a litter of Beanie Babies. Jennifer Aniston truly gave the tabloids several gifts. She gave them the perfect picture to use for their “Justin Storms Out! Calls Jen ‘Too Clingy!'” cover story and the perfect picture (see above) for their “Jen Doesn’t Want To Ruin Her Bikini Body! Makes Justin Carry Their Unborn Triplets!” cover story.
Bitches are so orange that they look like two Chick-O-Sticks in fancy clothes. Justin did himself up like a sleazy, traveling hipster preacher who seduces dumb, religious housewives so he can do them hard and steal their TV and purses as they sleep it off. And Jennifer’s skin looked as glowing as ever. Fillers, tequila, chemical peels, Baby Alive slobber, tears and $500 dolphin placenta cream works wonders. I mean, Aveeno and Smart Water. Aveeno and Smart Water works wonders!
Here’s a few more pictures of Justin, Jen and his co-stars Liv Tyler and Amy Brenneman at last night’s premiere. Justin’s beaming like, “Finally, you’re all here for ME,” as the photographers screamed, “Over here, Jen! Over here!”