Open Post: Hosted By Justin Theroux Wearing Everything Found In A Stereotypical Douche Hipster Starter Kit
The official start of slow summer gossip season started today when for the 9,123,980th time, a tabloid declared that a “miracle baby” has taken out a 9-month lease on Jennifer Aniston’s womb. InTouch Weekly screamed that Aniston is knocked up with Justin Theroux’s baby and they posted pictures of her in a bikini. Her belly looks like my gut when I suck in. But anyway, the Baby News Denial Department of Aniston’s PR Team quickly dropped a non-pregnant fart on that news.
But even though she denied the rumors, Aniston still hit the pap stroll in NYC today with a 16-foot long scarf and a wrinkled trench covering THAT area. She also looks kind of tired, but then again, you’d be tired too if you spent 3 hours of your morning using your body strength to pull your husband’s painted-on jeggings onto his body. If I was Aniston, I’d be using that giant scarf to cover my face, because I wouldn’t want to be seen with a grown dude who’s dressed like a cross between a 16-year-old circa 1992 who got suspended from high school for trying to start an anarchy club and a rejected member of the Village People who started his own music group in Brooklyn called the Borough People.
One of the most dangerous games of Russian Roulette you’ll ever play is with the movies on Jennifer Aniston’s IMDB page. Sure, you might get lucky and land on a good one, like Office Space or Wanderlust (or if you’re really lucky, Leprechaun). But sadly, there’s an even greater chance you’ll get Rumor Has It or The Bounty Hunter. Apparently this is something Jennifer Aniston is aware of.
Jenny, who is currently promoting that Mother’s Day movie, recently admitted to Harper’s Bazaar that she’s not exactly proud of some of the things she’s done for a paycheck. I don’t have a dictionary handy, but I think that might be the definition of Irony?
Whenever I see the name “Evil DJ” I think it’s the nickname the cast of Full House called Candace Cameron behind her back. It probably was/is.
At the Zoolander 2 premiere in NYC last night, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell and Penelope Cruz walked the purple carpet in character. That was part of the premiere everyone there called the “This Is An Embarrassing Mess, Let’s Go To The Open Bar” portion of the night. Justin Theroux helped write Zoolander 2 and his character from the first one is in it, so he also hopped (or whatever you call what he’s doing) down the runway. It was some real “Um, you’re a millionaire and you’re married to a multi-multi-millionaire so you don’t need to do this crap for a check” shit.
Evil DJ always looks like Linda Perry circa 1994 if Linda Perry circa 1994 was styled by Kevin Federline using shit from Riff Raff’s closet. When I first saw these pictures, I wondered what in the hell happened to Jason Castro and then I wondered why in the hell do I remember Jason Castro.
And I hope they cover this look on Fashion Police, because I really to see Giuliana Rancic’s lollipop head shake and pop off while she tries to figure out what to say about his dreads.
Justin Theroux was nominated for Best Actor in a Drama Series at the Critics’ Choice Awards last night (SPOILER: He lost to Rami Malek) and he brought his wedded piece Jennifer Aniston as his date. You know, I was going to hate on Jennifer Aniston’s peek-a-cooch dress for looking like two dusty retirement home curtains sewn together by an impatient frog with arthritis, but I’m not going to. I mean, it’s obvious that she went through a whole lot to be there.
When Jennifer Aniston first got to the Critics’ Choice Awards, she got out of the car while wearing her original dress and when she took three steps, a pack of asshole wolves (probably die-hard members of Team Jolie who won’t let go) smelled the Baby Alive food that she spilled on herself and they tore her outfit into a million pieces. She had to run her naked ass into the nearest store, which happened to be a David’s Bridal. Aniston quickly bought a factory-defective clearance rack bridesmaid dress and as she made her way back to the Critics’ Choice Awards, that goddamn pack of wolves jumped her again and tore her new dress in two. Aniston ran into a Rite-Aid where she bought a stapler and sloppily stapled her dress back together. She finally made it to the CCAs and yes, she looked like a raggedy mess, but she suffered through an ordeal and made it!
And when Justin presented on stage, someone was blocking Jennifer’s view and she told that trick to move, bitch, get out the way.
You have to keep an eye on your man at all times because you never know when some hussy harlot whore is going to sweep in and snatch him up. Rude ho. Aniston should’ve pulled a Beanie Baby out of her purse and threw it at their head.
And here’s a million more pictures from the CCAs including some of the return of Julian McMahon!
During an appearance on Live! with Kelly and Michael on Friday, Justin Theroux admitted that Jennifer Aniston almost became a widow during their group honeymoon in Bora Bora, thanks to a scuba diving fuck-up. Justin says he had such a fun time looking for Nemo and Dory during a scuba diving excursion one day, that he decided to go back again the next day and bring some of his friends. This time though, they went much deeper and it wasn’t long before Justin realized that his oxygen supply was floating somewhere between “Uh oh” and “You’re fucked“. So he motioned to the instructor that it was time to haul ass to the surface.
Unfortunately, the instructor wasn’t the same one from the day before, and he didn’t really understand English, so communication wasn’t happening. Eventually Justin resorted to a game of panicky charades, and the instructor finally clued in. If you can believe it, this is where shit gets worse. The instructor then threw an emergency respirator into Justin’s mouth, but the only thing it filled him with was more water. You’d think Justin would be used to that feeling, on account of all the times Jenny has whipped out a bottle of SmartWater and started pouring it into his mouth (“Shut up and start chugging!“) after spotting a pap out of the corner of her eye. But no, he wasn’t expecting it. He also wasn’t expecting that his brain would pull on a tiny tinfoil hat and start thinking his near-death experience wasn’t an accident.
“Your brain goes into a crazy place. Oh my God, this is some plot to kill me.”
I’m sure one of the crazy places his brain went was trying to remember the name his diving instructor’s scuba license. “Oh my god, it was totally Bran J. Loonie, I’m sure of it.”
One of the reasons why Justin says he couldn’t just swim up to the surface was that he was afraid of getting “the bends“, which the Internet tells me is decompression sickness. I guess the lack of oxygen caused Justin to forget that he was already equipped with a flotation device that was buoyant enough to bring him safely back up to the surface. Yes, I’m talking about the PFD in his pants. Next time, Justin. Next time.
It’s been almost two months since Jennifer Aniston made Justin Theroux husband no. 2, and apparently they hadn’t been photographed together since before their wedding. Although to be honest, I wasn’t really checking. The Brangeloonies, however, were no doubt joyfully cackling that Jen and her sloppy seconds (you know they call him that) hadn’t been seen in public since they got married, and therefore were on a one-way train headed for divorce town.
Well, the Brangeloonies can rest assured that Jen and Justin are still totally together and not digging a grave for their marriage. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux walked the red carpet of the season 2 premiere of The Leftovers in Austin last night. UsWeekly says that an eyewitness at the premiere gave them this EXTRA EXTRA hot tip scoop by telling them: “When Jen and Justin got out of the car, Justin’s body was angled toward Jen, almost protectively.” So for those of you wondering if Justin pushed Jen out of the way before yelling “Beep beep, move it or lose it” after they got out of the car, he did not.
I know I should be filing Jenniroux’s first sighting as Mr. and Mrs. away into a folder marked VERY IMPORTANT NEWS in my brain, but once again I can’t focus on anything besides Justin’s flare. Like…what is that belt. Are those studs? And is that a skinny leather tie? Maybe that’s why Jenny’s head is angled the way it is. She’s like “Just a little bit lower…a bit lower…is my hair covering the tie yet?”
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux at the premiere of The Leftovers last night. I wish Justin had walked the red carpet in character and given us a heaping helping of lumpy trackpant bulge. THAT’S how you really make the most out of your first public appearance as couple!
“Bitch, please – like you had any say outside of choosing which of your $125 leather hipster bracelets to wear.”
No, the planning was totally a joint effort. And apparently Justin Theroux had about as much fun doing it as he does when Jennifer Aniston hollers at him from the garage and tells him to get his ass in there and help her organize her Aveeno inventory. Justin Theroux recently spoke to the NY Daily News about the day he finally made it legal with Jennifer Aniston, and according to him, planning it was kind of a drag, because they had to keep it so secret.
“I wouldn’t say it was fun to plan. Part of the fun of planning a wedding is telling people and we had to keep it under wrap.” But once the deed was done he felt a shift, he says.
“I noticed it almost immediately. It was like your blood pressure goes down two PSI. It’s not like life is completely different. It’s a beautiful thing.”
Justin also swatted at people whispering that he and Jenny’s 7 week old marriage is dead by saying that they’re “happily married.” And just like that, a million Brangeloonies gave Justin a “Sure, Jan.”
I guess I sort of get why you’d want to keep your wedding on the hush, but really, it is kind of nice to fill your guests in before hand. For example, I once went to a wedding where the bride was all secretive and wouldn’t tell anyone anything, and the biggest surprise was that there was no cake. None. If I had known ahead of time that I’d be pouring packets of sugar from the coffee station onto buttered dinner rolls and pretending it was cake, I might have been better prepared and brought my own. Pocket cake isn’t rude, it’s practical.
Here’s Jennifer Aniston’s husband looking all kinds of hot while walking around New York last week.
A little over 70 guests watched HISTORY BEING MADE when they witnessed the former president of the Forever Alone Club, Jennifer Aniston, marry an actual living and breathing man. On the guest list was Courteney Cox, Lisa Kudrow, Chelsea Handler, Uncle Terry, Lake Bell, Howard Stern, Emily Blunt, John Krasinski, Jimmy Kimmel, Orlando, Bloom, Ellen DeGeneres, Portia de Rossi, Jason Bateman, Tobey Maguire, Whitney Cummings, Will Arnett and nearly every famous ho alive except for Matthew Perry and Matt LeBlanc. Jennifer Aniston needs to spend a long time in a class titled “Priorities: Learn How To Get Them Together” at the Learning Annex, because there’s something wrong when she invites Uncle Terry’s nasty smegma ass, but not Chandler and Joey, to her wedding.
Just two days after Jennifer Aniston got married to Justin Theroux (which caused the makers of the the boyfriend pillow to close shop since there’s no use for their company anymore), we have learned all sorts of thrilling details about the wedding and honeymoon. I know you really care.
UsWeekly says that Courteney Cox was Jennifer’s maid of honor and Lake Bell’s husband was Justin’s best man. During the reception, Sia sang some songs, Lindsay Lohan’s former partner in pussy Samantha Ronson
DJ’d pressed the play button on her iPod touch, everyone ate pasta and Uncle Terry took the pictures. (I can’t wait to see the pictures of him fucking the wedding cake.) TMZ says that Jennifer and Justin kept everything on the shush by using a vacant $10.7 million house next door to hers to hide all the tables, chairs and decorations for the reception. She had a temporary pathway built from the vacant house to her house so workers could transport everything without the paps finding out.
The day after the wedding, Justin, Jennifer and their friends got on a private jet headed for Bora Bora. People says that Jennifer and Justin are also in Bora Bora to celebrate his 44th birthday, so they asked a bunch of friends to come along. Chelsea Handler, Courteney Cox, her man, Jason Bateman and his wife all tagged along for Jennifer and Justin’s honeymoon/birthday party. UsWeekly says that everyone is staying at the Four Seasons. Jennifer is a good sugar mama, because they celebrated Justin’s birthday in Bora Bora last year too.
Basically, all those words I typed above add up to one simple fact: Bitch is RICH as shit. Specifically, she’s as rich as Oprah’s shit since Oprah shits pure gold and diamonds.
At first I thought that a group honeymoon (which I guess is like group sex without the sex) sounded kind of a fun, because looking at the same face every day for a week can get boring. But then I saw grainy pictures of the group. Children came along! That sounds like a nightmare in paradise. Not only does Jennifer have to deal with screaming children, but she also has to deal with seeing Chelsea Handler strut her naked body all over the place since Chelsea doesn’t wear clothes anymore. If I was Jennifer I’d be afraid that there wasn’t enough booze on the island for me to deal with that shit.
And if you want to see a picture of Jennifer and Justin in Bora Bora, People has one. It’s so clear! It looks like a Monet painting of two turnips in hats.
Those shameless bitches just couldn’t let Jennifer Aniston have one day. ONE DAY! They had to try to upstage her by releasing the trailer for their 70s perfume commercial of a high art movie. Surprisingly, there’s not a scene in the trailer where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie-Pitt (she’s going by that now) dance around a pile of burning Aveeno and Smart Water bottles. But you know, I doubt Jennifer Aniston cares. She’s too busy picking dried cum balls out of her hair since Uncle Terry probably jizzed all over her and Justin Theroux instead of throwing rice at them.
Here’s the trailer for By The Sea, which St. Angie Jolie-Pitt directed, wrote and of course, stars in with Brad Pitt. /Film says that By The Sea takes place in the mid-70s and St. Angie plays a former dancer named Vanessa who goes to a seaside resort town in France with her American writer husband Roland (B. Pitt) as their marriage bites the dust. It’s like Mr. and Mrs. Smith get moody in a commercial for Dolce & Gabbana’s newest fragrance “Mascara Tears.” Get swept away by the pretentiousness and DRAMA:
It looks like their W Magazine photo shoot characters went to Europe where they smoked cigarettes, stared at things, took baths, got the sads and cried. This is their Eyes Wide Shut and we all know how that worked out for Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise. No, I’m sure it won’t end with them breaking up for real. It’ll end with them drowning in a million OSCUHS!