Usually my feelings toward Jennifer Aniston go between complete indifference and minor interest. The former 97% of the time and the latter when Friends reruns are on and I’m feeling nostalgic about 1995′s Must See TV schedule. Today I’m filled with so much ugly, misplaced anger that I’m pretty sure if I looked in a mirror, a mash up of Chris Brown’s face and Nancy Grace’s nostrils would be staring back at me. Two days ago I was in California. Granted, it’s not the sun and fun of Cabo where Jen is vacationing for the bajillionth time with her friends, but I came home to the Midwest temperatures below zero, so I’m having a hard time mustering up any enthusiasm for those in a warmer climate. For my say something nice: Jen looks good, decidedly not pregnant, I’m not getting any shades of jealousy or anger over the Holy Brood That Must Not Be Named and she looks a lot less like a wax statue of herself than usual.
Also pictured are Jennifer’s fiancé Justin Theroux, BFF Courteney Cox who looks a little less Lady Elaine Fairchilde in the face thanks to the blurriness that comes with a telephoto lens and Howard Stern wearing an ensemble out of the Harpo Marx beachwear collection.
Here’s Goopy Paltrow and Chris Martin driving into Jennifer Aniston’s ridiculous ass Bel Air estate for a holiday party last night and in that picture it kind of looks like they’re just blindly driving along the road, which is the perfect metaphor for their lives.
So Jennifer Aniston threw a holiday party for her celebwhore friends and I’m sure it was just like your holiday party. But instead of serving food from Boston Market and Trader Joe’s frozen appetizers section on napkins, she served food made by a chef flown in on her private jet from wherever and served that food on brand new Hermes plates, which they later threw into the trash because reusing plates is gross. Instead of keeping bottles of Andre and cans of Cran-Brr-Rita chilled in a plastic trash can full of ice, she had three open bars and a giant wine fountain full of wine from her own damn vineyard. (Side note: The tanks of all of Jen’s toilets were filled with Miraval Rose.) And instead of the party ending after someone’s auntie projectile barfed up spiked egg nog, the party ended when Goopy Paltrow took a bite of chorizo in a blanket and barfed at the mouth in Spanish about her native Spain. FYI: Every country is Goopy’s native country. She’s that international.
Both UsWeekly and The Daily Mail made a big deal about Jennifer Aniston inviting a fellow ex of Brad Pitt’s to her party. It’s not that big of a deal really. Aniston invited Goopy, because she and Chelsea Handler needed a bitch to make fun of. But I’m sure Aniston and Goopy bonded at the cheese table when they both took a bite of warm munster cheese which reminded them of going down on Brad Pitt.
And here’s a few riveting pictures of famous hos like Courteney Cox (with a hot piece) and Will Arnett driving themselves to Aniston’s party. Why oh why didn’t the LAPD give us a beautiful Christmas gift by setting up a DUI checkpoint in front of Aniston’s gates?
It’s been way too long since Jennifer Aniston has delivered a good old-fashioned staged bikini photo-op in Mexico (sponsored by SmartWater), so she gave us one yesterday. Although, those pictures are so damn blurry that it could be Brad Pitt kissing on Joan Jett for all we know.
To celebrate the fact that We’re The Millers didn’t flop, Jennifer, her piece Justin Theroux, Jason Bateman and his wife Amanda Anka all went down to Los Cabos. Jennifer is killing two birds with this shit. She started the latest pregnancy rumors by bumping it at her premiere a few weeks ago and now she’s killing those rumors by struttin’ around in a two piece. And she’s struttin’ around in a two piece while carrying a bottle of SmartWater. My favorite picture is the one above. Romance IS Jennifer Aniston whispering sweet nothings to Justin Theroux and by “sweet nothings” I mean: “Stop bitching about how my razor-sharp nipples are cutting into your chest and lean in closer. That SmartWater bottle needs to get in the shot, because I need that bonus! Your black skinny jeans aren’t cheap, whore!”
Here’s Jennifer Aniston at the premiere of another one of her movies that I’ll probably watch in a few years on basic cable when it’s late at night, I’m vulnerable and need something to do while inhaling two bags of Milanos. So whenever Jennifer Aniston’s got a premiere, she puts on some tight satin dress and makes sure her next cover of UsWeekly is bumping all the way out. I see you, Aniston, and I see your first trimester Beyonce™ brand pillow baby. Or maybe that’s a bag of gin and it’s attached to a straw that sticks out of the top of her dress so she can suck on it and get shit-faced while watching her mess of a movie. That’s totally it.
Even though that dress is a STUNT QUEEN prop and she’s only wearing it because she wants everyone to think she’s knocked up with an entire child army that will take down St. Angie’s child army, I sort of like that dress. That line across her chest makes it look like her tits are squinting. No, I’m not stoned. I think.
When Jimmy Kimmel marries his co-head writer Molly McNearney at the Ojai Valley Inn & Spa, every trick and tramp in Hollywood shows up. They all showed up. It looked like the drink line at the People’s Choice Awards. (I almost said the Golden Globes, but Johnny Knoxville was there and they’d never let his ass in.) Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux, Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell, Ellen Degeneres, Portia de Rossi, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner and Matt Damon all showed their faces, and Gabourey Sidibe made everyone’s rings get tight and feet swell when she strolled in looking like an exploding Cool Whip factory.
I’m guessing that Jimmy is putting some of his wedding on his show and that’s why the Big Bombshell of Brooklyn showed up in a wedding dress. So on the next Jimmy Kimmel Live, expect to see Gabourey bum rushing down the aisle and body slamming Molly. We’re all going to laugh while watching workers scrape off pieces of Molly that’s stuck between those stones in the ground. But really, I’m surprised that Ben Affleck didn’t crash the wedding in a white dress so Jimmy Kimmel would have a reason to sing an acoustic version of “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck” at the altar.
And I hope that on his show, Jimmy shows the part of his wedding where Molly threw the bouquet and Jennifer Aniston chinned every bitch to get to it.
Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston’s wedding is on hold, because he hates living in L.A. and she doesn’t want to live anywhere else. That’s what Radar says, anyway. Justin’s entire life is in NYC and when he asked Jennifer if she’d consider living there for just six months out of the year, she shook her head HELL NO, because she feels like Manhattan is no place for her to raise her Cabbage Patch Dolls.
Justin and Jennifer were supposed to get married this summer, but he got the sads when he asked her if she’d live in NYC half of the year and she told him to shut up about that talk and get back to measuring her dog for its maid of honor dress. The source put it like this:
“He suggested the couple could live in New York City part-time, no more than six months a year (and L.A. the rest of the time). Justin misses the Big Apple, and his friends. His entire life was in New York, and he uprooted his entire life to move to LA to be with Jen. He thinks it’s time Jen start to compromise, but she is absolutely refusing to live on the East Coast, even part-time.”
Moving from NYC to L.A. does take some getting used to. I almost packed up my chihuahua and quit this bitch when I was at dinner with my mom and as I was scanning the cocktail menu she says, “Um, aren’t you driving?” “Yes, mom, but I want to see what I can’t have.” Just let me have my intimate moment with the cocktail menu even though our love sometimes cannot be consummated. Not being able to get shit-faced drunk in a restaurant is a sacrifice us messes who live in L.A. have to make. But Justin doesn’t even have to make that sacrifice. Bitch can easily get drunk in a restaurant because a) Jen’s probably got a driver and; b) Jen’s house is so goddamn big that it’s probably got several restaurants in it.
Jennifer’s $21 million estate has a chicken coop, a private vineyard, a butler’s kitchen, a pool, a waterfall and even a margarita fountain. So please, boo hoo right into your margarita fountain, Justin. Living in a $21 million Bel Air mansion is hard!
And here’s Justin shooting scenes for the HBO series The Leftovers in Queens, NY yesterday.
Seen here yelling at dumb and rude New Yorkers who almost walked in front of the paparazzo’s camera during their staged photo-op stroll, Justin Theroux, Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Aniston’s ice pick nipples (perfect for when you need to crack open a block of ice for a vodka on the rocks) were in NYC over the weekend. People says that they went shopping for bikinis at Barney’s and they drank martinis at Nobu. Riveting shit!
If Justin had a shaved head and carried a black plastic folder covered in anarchy sign stickers, he’d look like every wannabe skinhead at my junior high school. And I don’t know if Jennifer Aniston looks like she’s having a Chico’s kind of day or looks like a come-to-life J. Jill catalog with nipples.
And Aniston’s publicist owes her several round of martinis for lighting a match to the never-ending fart known as the pregnancy rumors by covering her stomach with that sweater thing. He trained her well!
After downloading and cropping that pic, I got second hand coke high, so I took a warm shower, drank two cups of Benzos tea, came back and I’m still grinding my teeth and suffering from the coke sweats. That is your face on coke. That explains why Jennifer Aniston isn’t making Justin Theroux sign his name on a money-saving clause (aka a prenup).
Some source tells OK! Magazine (via Hollywood Life) that Justin offered to sign a prenup since she’s worth over $100 million and all of his fortune is in his collection of black skinny jeans. Justin’s reverse gold digger psychology worked, because Jennifer turned his offer down. The source says:
“Jen’s absolutely adamant about not having a prenup. She told several friends: ‘I’m choosing love, not money. And people are just going to have to deal with it.’ It’s a sweet and romantic thing to do. But a number of friends are desperately worried her decision could come back to haunt her one day.
Everything is going so well between Jen and Justin right now, she doesn’t want to taint the romance.
Why are her friends worried? Aniston has finally found a dude who loves to exfoliate his face with coke as much as she does (see picture above), tucks her Beanie Babies into bed each night for and they can share skinny jeans. That saves them money. They’re going to be together forever (which in Hollywood time is 3 years at most). Let’s say Justin does get half of her money when they eventually break up, she still has at least $50 million! That’ll still buy her a lot of coke to exfoliate her face with.
And now I need to take another warm shower and drink two more cups of Benzos tea.
Jennifer Aniston taped an episode of Ellen yesterday (that shit airs today) and right after she farted on the fake rumor that a Friends reunion is happening next year, Ellen showed a clip of what happened when Jennifer Aniston tried to scare a ho. Jennifer Aniston is as good at scaring hos as she is at playing anybody but herself in movies. Ellen asked Aniston if she ever scares her piece Justin Theroux and she said that he’s the one who scares her ass. Justin is always hiding behind drapes and jumping out at her.
“He calls it trickery. But he’s constantly hiding behind drapes. And I’m constantly scared. It’s like, it doesn’t get old on me.”
Oh, that Aniston births out a million laughs a second. Justin Theroux isn’t hiding behind the drapes, because he wants to scare her. Justin Theroux is hiding behind the drapes, because he’s the scared one. You too would be hiding behind whatever you could if before she left the house, your girlfriend chained you to something heavy and put her most trustworthy Cabbage Patch Police Kids in front of you so you won’t try anything funny. (Officer Cutey McPatches sees EVERYTHING.)
Justin isn’t jumping out at Aniston, because he’s trying to spook her ass. He’s jumping out, because he hears the foot steps of another human and thinks that help has finally arrived to rescue him! Then when he finds out it’s just Aniston, he sighs and goes back to his place behind the drapes to drink his Smart Water and cuddle with the blanket she made for him using her dog’s shed fur.
Here’s Aniston talking about Justin’s “trickery” on Ellen.
Jennifer Aniston is supposed to break the forever alone curse put on her by an evil witch (no comment) by licking the grease off of Justin Theroux’s lips when they kiss at their wedding in a few months. Jennifer is supposed to get all the attention and all the covers of every magazine and everybody should be talking about her her her her her! But because Brad Pitt has to ruin everything, he’s probably going to ruin her wedding day.
The Sun (I know, I know) says that Brad got a marriage license about a month ago and that he and Angie Jolie are planning to throw a wedding at their chateau in France in May. Jennifer also wants to get married around May, so she’s pissing into Brad’s bong, because he’s ruining her damn life once again. Some source said that Jennifer was thinking of going to Brad’s wedding (file that under: things that will only happen if Maddox lures her there by leaving a trail of Beanie Babies from her door to Brangie’s wedding), but she’s changed her mind.
“All that goodwill would go out the window if Brad’s wedding date comes close to hers. Jennifer will see it as an attempt to upstage her and there will be a battle over Hollywood guests. She knows they will be judged on who had the better wedding by pulling in the biggest stars.”
I know, I’ve typed this a million times before (what else is new?), but Brangie and TinAnis should really make the world explode by having a double wedding. If they had a double wedding, the sheer force of the Brangeloonies’ heads exploding would make the Earth tilt on its axis and we’d all free fall into the universe before landing on a planet far, far away. We’d get up, wipe the foreign planet dust off of our body and just as we all breathed out sighs of relief over never hearing about the Brangie and Aniston triangle again, some alien will come up to us and say in our native tongue, “So who’s dress was hotter? Jen or Angie’s?”
But really, Brad and Angie are never getting married. They’re just dragging this out to torture all of us forever.
And here’s Brad dressed like a middle-aged lesbian architect while walking through LAX yesterday.