The holy kingdom of eternal love that was Brangelina crumbled into the gutter and Jennifer Aniston has been married to the Emo Eddie Munster known as Justin Theroux for over a year, so I guess it was time for the tabloids to move on from “Poor Jen.” Enter: Poor Brad! Now Brad Pitt is the one who’s sitting in a sea of Hostess pie wrappers and cry-singing to All By Myself before picking up his phone to text Jennifer Aniston with: U up?
We all know that when it comes to dressing for the Oscars, everyone takes it very seriously. They put on a tux or fancy gown that definitely didn’t come with a check attached to the garment bag. Most of the time the result is a one-way ticket to Zzzzzz town (see: a good 75% of the looks from last night). But then everyone gets to let loose at Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar afterparty and put on what they really want to wear (see: The Gold Standard). Like many people at the Vanity Fair party, Diane Kruger wasn’t at the Oscars and she showed up wearing that.
Katy Perry threw her man Orlando Bloom a surprise 40th birthday party at a hotel in Palm Springs, CA on Saturday night and even though Justin Theroux was there, the biggest dick in the room was the blown-up picture of Legolas’ (sadly censored) peen. Katy apparently took the picture that launched a thousand boners and throbbing clits, blew it up and used it as a backdrop for party guests to pose in front of. Some guests made fun of Orly’s salchicha (see: picture above) and others posed normal. It doesn’t look like any of them put their mouths on that black box. I know, Katy and Orlando have weird friends.
After Justin Theroux’s wife Jennifer Aniston was dropped into the Brangelina drama, he said that it’s surprising how everyone focuses on trash gossip when there are more important things to focus on. But over the weekend, some thought that Justin was joining all of us garbage whores in the dumpster when he posted a picture on Instagram of graffiti art in Berlin done by artist Nick Flatt. As everyone noticed, between “fuck politics” and “fuck condoms” are the words “fuck Brad Pitt.” Some of us who love to reach hard for drama, thought that either Justin Theroux was burning Brad Pitt, or he was telling us that he really wants to forget the condoms and bareback fuck Brad Pitt.
UsWeekly says that Justin’s original caption for that pic was: “#currentelectionmood #berlin #graffiti #fuckingnickflatt.” But when everyone thought he was hating on his wife’s cheating slut of an ex-husband, he changed the caption and became Snooki’s #1 enemy while doing so:
Bitch may not shade like he’s “elevem” years old. But he hashtags like he’s eleven years old. And I wonder why Justin shat on pickles out of all the things in that pic to shit on. Could it be because Jennifer Aniston is knocked up and is craving pickles all the time and the constant smell of them has grossed him out? That’s it. Next week on Star Magazine: Pickles Tore Them Apart! Justin Theroux Abandons A Pregnant Jennifer Aniston!
The picture you’re looking at was taken a few days ago while Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston went furniture shopping in NYC. I’m sure it took about six seconds before someone at UsWeekly or In Touch shouted “Furniture for what? A new baby? That must be why she’s covering her stomach with a jacket!” and got to working on laying out a JEN’S BABY JOY cover. Well, you know what? Justin Theroux wants people to cut the “womb watch” shit out.
Justin Theroux has started doing promo for The Girl On The Train and so we should expect that every interview he does will start with the question, “The Girl On The Train is about a girl on a train and Angelina Jolie is a girl and I’m sure she’s been on a train before, so what do you think about her dumping Brad and can you even hear this question since I’m sure your eardrums burst from the sound barrier-breaking laugh that Jennifer Aniston let out over the news?” Business Insider asked Jennifer Aniston’s hot hipster piece about the breakup of our modern day Adam and Eve and he said that his heart feels for the child army and saying anything other than that is yawn worthy.