Open Post: Hosted By Justin Theroux Wearing Everything Found In A Stereotypical Douche Hipster Starter Kit
The official start of slow summer gossip season started today when for the 9,123,980th time, a tabloid declared that a “miracle baby” has taken out a 9-month lease on Jennifer Aniston’s womb. InTouch Weekly screamed that Aniston is knocked up with Justin Theroux’s baby and they posted pictures of her in a bikini. Her belly looks like my gut when I suck in. But anyway, the Baby News Denial Department of Aniston’s PR Team quickly dropped a non-pregnant fart on that news.
But even though she denied the rumors, Aniston still hit the pap stroll in NYC today with a 16-foot long scarf and a wrinkled trench covering THAT area. She also looks kind of tired, but then again, you’d be tired too if you spent 3 hours of your morning using your body strength to pull your husband’s painted-on jeggings onto his body. If I was Aniston, I’d be using that giant scarf to cover my face, because I wouldn’t want to be seen with a grown dude who’s dressed like a cross between a 16-year-old circa 1992 who got suspended from high school for trying to start an anarchy club and a rejected member of the Village People who started his own music group in Brooklyn called the Borough People.
One of the most dangerous games of Russian Roulette you’ll ever play is with the movies on Jennifer Aniston’s IMDB page. Sure, you might get lucky and land on a good one, like Office Space or Wanderlust (or if you’re really lucky, Leprechaun). But sadly, there’s an even greater chance you’ll get Rumor Has It or The Bounty Hunter. Apparently this is something Jennifer Aniston is aware of.
Jenny, who is currently promoting that Mother’s Day movie, recently admitted to Harper’s Bazaar that she’s not exactly proud of some of the things she’s done for a paycheck. I don’t have a dictionary handy, but I think that might be the definition of Irony?
Whenever I see the name “Evil DJ” I think it’s the nickname the cast of Full House called Candace Cameron behind her back. It probably was/is.
At the Zoolander 2 premiere in NYC last night, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Will Ferrell and Penelope Cruz walked the purple carpet in character. That was part of the premiere everyone there called the “This Is An Embarrassing Mess, Let’s Go To The Open Bar” portion of the night. Justin Theroux helped write Zoolander 2 and his character from the first one is in it, so he also hopped (or whatever you call what he’s doing) down the runway. It was some real “Um, you’re a millionaire and you’re married to a multi-multi-millionaire so you don’t need to do this crap for a check” shit.
Evil DJ always looks like Linda Perry circa 1994 if Linda Perry circa 1994 was styled by Kevin Federline using shit from Riff Raff’s closet. When I first saw these pictures, I wondered what in the hell happened to Jason Castro and then I wondered why in the hell do I remember Jason Castro.
And I hope they cover this look on Fashion Police, because I really to see Giuliana Rancic’s lollipop head shake and pop off while she tries to figure out what to say about his dreads.
Justin Theroux was nominated for Best Actor in a Drama Series at the Critics’ Choice Awards last night (SPOILER: He lost to Rami Malek) and he brought his wedded piece Jennifer Aniston as his date. You know, I was going to hate on Jennifer Aniston’s peek-a-cooch dress for looking like two dusty retirement home curtains sewn together by an impatient frog with arthritis, but I’m not going to. I mean, it’s obvious that she went through a whole lot to be there.
When Jennifer Aniston first got to the Critics’ Choice Awards, she got out of the car while wearing her original dress and when she took three steps, a pack of asshole wolves (probably die-hard members of Team Jolie who won’t let go) smelled the Baby Alive food that she spilled on herself and they tore her outfit into a million pieces. She had to run her naked ass into the nearest store, which happened to be a David’s Bridal. Aniston quickly bought a factory-defective clearance rack bridesmaid dress and as she made her way back to the Critics’ Choice Awards, that goddamn pack of wolves jumped her again and tore her new dress in two. Aniston ran into a Rite-Aid where she bought a stapler and sloppily stapled her dress back together. She finally made it to the CCAs and yes, she looked like a raggedy mess, but she suffered through an ordeal and made it!
And when Justin presented on stage, someone was blocking Jennifer’s view and she told that trick to move, bitch, get out the way.
You have to keep an eye on your man at all times because you never know when some hussy harlot whore is going to sweep in and snatch him up. Rude ho. Aniston should’ve pulled a Beanie Baby out of her purse and threw it at their head.
And here’s a million more pictures from the CCAs including some of the return of Julian McMahon!
During an appearance on Live! with Kelly and Michael on Friday, Justin Theroux admitted that Jennifer Aniston almost became a widow during their group honeymoon in Bora Bora, thanks to a scuba diving fuck-up. Justin says he had such a fun time looking for Nemo and Dory during a scuba diving excursion one day, that he decided to go back again the next day and bring some of his friends. This time though, they went much deeper and it wasn’t long before Justin realized that his oxygen supply was floating somewhere between “Uh oh” and “You’re fucked“. So he motioned to the instructor that it was time to haul ass to the surface.
Unfortunately, the instructor wasn’t the same one from the day before, and he didn’t really understand English, so communication wasn’t happening. Eventually Justin resorted to a game of panicky charades, and the instructor finally clued in. If you can believe it, this is where shit gets worse. The instructor then threw an emergency respirator into Justin’s mouth, but the only thing it filled him with was more water. You’d think Justin would be used to that feeling, on account of all the times Jenny has whipped out a bottle of SmartWater and started pouring it into his mouth (“Shut up and start chugging!“) after spotting a pap out of the corner of her eye. But no, he wasn’t expecting it. He also wasn’t expecting that his brain would pull on a tiny tinfoil hat and start thinking his near-death experience wasn’t an accident.
“Your brain goes into a crazy place. Oh my God, this is some plot to kill me.”
I’m sure one of the crazy places his brain went was trying to remember the name his diving instructor’s scuba license. “Oh my god, it was totally Bran J. Loonie, I’m sure of it.”
One of the reasons why Justin says he couldn’t just swim up to the surface was that he was afraid of getting “the bends“, which the Internet tells me is decompression sickness. I guess the lack of oxygen caused Justin to forget that he was already equipped with a flotation device that was buoyant enough to bring him safely back up to the surface. Yes, I’m talking about the PFD in his pants. Next time, Justin. Next time.
It’s been almost two months since Jennifer Aniston made Justin Theroux husband no. 2, and apparently they hadn’t been photographed together since before their wedding. Although to be honest, I wasn’t really checking. The Brangeloonies, however, were no doubt joyfully cackling that Jen and her sloppy seconds (you know they call him that) hadn’t been seen in public since they got married, and therefore were on a one-way train headed for divorce town.
Well, the Brangeloonies can rest assured that Jen and Justin are still totally together and not digging a grave for their marriage. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux walked the red carpet of the season 2 premiere of The Leftovers in Austin last night. UsWeekly says that an eyewitness at the premiere gave them this EXTRA EXTRA hot tip scoop by telling them: “When Jen and Justin got out of the car, Justin’s body was angled toward Jen, almost protectively.” So for those of you wondering if Justin pushed Jen out of the way before yelling “Beep beep, move it or lose it” after they got out of the car, he did not.
I know I should be filing Jenniroux’s first sighting as Mr. and Mrs. away into a folder marked VERY IMPORTANT NEWS in my brain, but once again I can’t focus on anything besides Justin’s flare. Like…what is that belt. Are those studs? And is that a skinny leather tie? Maybe that’s why Jenny’s head is angled the way it is. She’s like “Just a little bit lower…a bit lower…is my hair covering the tie yet?”
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux at the premiere of The Leftovers last night. I wish Justin had walked the red carpet in character and given us a heaping helping of lumpy trackpant bulge. THAT’S how you really make the most out of your first public appearance as couple!