Back in April, it was rumoured that pre-pubescent rat boy Justin Bieber had shot a bunch of Calvin Klein ads with Pimp Mama Kris’s backup-Kim Kendull Jenner, but nobody really paid it much thought, since those two attention-desperate teens are always taking pictures in their underwear. But it looks like the rumours were true. The Daily Mail says that Calvin Klein has gone ahead and spit on the legacy of Marky Mark and his funky bulge by hiring Jack Gleeson’s non-union Canadian equivalent to be the baby face of an upcoming campaign.
A Calvin Klein source (whatever the hell that is) told The Daily Mail that Justin Bieber has shot for Calvin Klein and that they “hope the results will be released later this year” and that Baby Bieber’s campaign will be used to launch CK’s new line of upscale potty training pants (needs verification).
Calvin Klein has a rich history of hiring jailbait-looking models for their underwear ads, so it makes sense that they’d hire eternal toddler Justin Bieber to pose in his pull-ups. But it does feel a little weird having Justin model underwear when I’m not entirely sure his balls have dropped yet. Or maybe they really ARE launching a line of CK Juniors? Regardless, Chris Hansen should probably keep his schedule free for “later this year”.
And maybe this explains why Justin Bieber was recently cruising around Disneyland in a wheelchair. I’m guessing he showed up for his modelling gig and went straight for the big boy boxers, only to discover that the pair of XXS men’s undies were still too big for his little baby body. But because he’s a stubborn toddler, he put them on and demanded they start the shoot. Unfortunately, they almost instantly fell down past his knees, causing him to trip and fall and twist his ankle. Calvin Klein didn’t want to get sued, so they shut the little brat up by sending him on an all-expenses paid trip to Disneyland. Mystery solved!
Here’s more of Mahky Mahk Jr. in Beverly Hills earlier today. Oh my god, he can walk again! It’s a miracle!
Cops Have Advised Justin Bieber’s Neighbors To Put Him Under Citizen’s Arrest The Next Time He Throws A Party
This weekend, Justin Bieber threw a 2-day toddler rager at his condo in Beverly Hills in which the police were called six times for noise complaints and general assholery. Unfortunately for the poor souls who have to share a building with Canada’s constantly itchy butthole, there’s nothing the cops can do to prevent Justin from throwing more loud parties for his asshole friends, since he always turns down the music when they ask him to (sounds like someone was paying attention during the Backyardigans episode on manners).
But according to TMZ, his neighbors are right pissed, because it’s not just the noise; he’s turning their condo building into the island for obnoxious pre-teen shitheads from Pinocchio. TMZ obtained pictures showing the mess he left on the condo’s rooftop lounge, and residents have told them the elevators and hallways reeked of pot all weekend, adding that “There were bimbos lining up to do drugs in the lobby bathroom.” (I literally just pictured Kelly Bundy and her friends).
Despite photographic proof and numerous witnesses that claim Justin Bieber is a pint-sized nuisance, the cops claim they can’t arrest someone for a misdemeanour if they don’t see it happen. But they also claim that it is well within their legal rights to take matters into their own hands, since he’s currently on probation. The police have advised Justin’s condo neighbors that if they witness the human version of Babs Seed the Pony doing hoodrat shit in the building, they can put him under citizen’s arrest. Did you hear that? The police literally just gave Justin’s neighbors permission to ground him. The shade, the shade of it all.
And as much as I want to see a 60-year-old woman tackle Justin Bieber to the ground for smoking a joint in the vestibule, is that picture of the rooftop seriously the “mess” he left? Yikes. You know you throw a lame-ass party when you’re able to make Aaron Carter look like Studio 54 fucked Caligula.
Looking at this picture of lil’ Justin Bieber sucking on a brewski just made me nostalgic for all the times I tried to get my hands on a beer as a kid. I never did succeed; I’d always end up getting distracted by Glo Friends. But Justin Bieber is a much more determined child than I ever was, and his thirst for taking swigs out of the grown-ups beer bottles has landed a West Hollywood club in trouble.
According to TMZ, Justin Bieber and his new BFF Chris Brown (like moths to a flame, two assholes meet in the night) went to David Arquette’s club Bootsy Bellows. Because Boosty Bellows sells food, they can let anyone in, but only people 21 and older can order booze. Unfortunately, someone snapped a picture of 20-year-old Justin Bieber walking around Bootsy Bellows holding a beer bottle, and now the California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control is ready to slap them with a giant fine and law enforcement are planning on sending in a bunch of undercover cops to try see if they can bust them for selling liquid happiness to minors.
I don’t think there’s any need to call Gene Parmesan, because this is clearly an open and shut case. Justin Bieber wanted to impress Chris Brown’s friends, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up with the big boys (because two sips of beer and Justin goes night-night). So he filled an empty beer bottle with apple juice and pretended he was drinking just like them. Trust me – if the cops look through the trash, I’ll bet they’ll find a Heineken bottle that smells like Motts for Tots with his animal cracker-crusted finger prints on it. CASE CLOSED!
TMZ says that once again, Justin Bieber has avoided being crowned the cutest lil’ cupcake in juvie because he’s plead no contest to egging his neighbor’s house back in January. The L.A. County District Attorney took 5 months trying to decide if egging your neighbor’s house like a punk bitch baby is a misdemeanour or a felony, and they settled on charging him with “misdemeanour vandalism”.
Sources say that the only bars Justin will be behind are the ones in his crib, because this afternoon his lawyers are sweeping all the eggshells under the rug by taking a plea deal. So instead of real-life Scared Straight, that constipated brat will be on probation for a year, be forced to do some bullshit community service, and pay $20,000 to his old neighbor to repair the egg damage done to his house. Basically the TL:DR of that plea deal is that Justin will be punished with nothing, nothing, and nothing.
I thought that getting caught on tape trespassing on your neighbor’s property and covering their house with breakfast foods while acting like a total piece of human garbage would be the kind of thing you do a bit of time for, but I guess Lady Justice just does not give a fuck. Bitch probably pawned her sword and a scale for an 8-ball and a bottle of vodka. Every day is like 2-for-1 Margarita Hour at Baja Sharkeez for Lady Justice now. I’m sure you can find her every night at the club wearing her blindfold as a tube-top and working under the name Lady Just-A$$. “I sentence you to a good time! WOOO! I don’t gotta work tomorrow, pour shots in my mouth!”
Maybe I need to brush up on my boating safety, but it was my understanding that any child under 90 lbs or 12 years of age was required by law to wear a PFD with one of those foam headrest things and a crotch belt. Then again, would it even matter? The rules don’t apply to Caillou’s spoiled Stratford cousin Justin Bieber. Forget wearing a life jacket, I bet it was difficult enough getting him to wear his Little Swimmers.
It looks like Justin Bieber is spending Independence Day chartering the S.S. Douchecanoe around Miami. Since I’m a maple-dipped dum-dum, I don’t know much about Independence Day, but what I’ve pieced together from beer commercials and Jeopardy! is that July 4th is the day Benjamin Franklin dumped several crates of tea into Boston Harbour and then got into a fist-fight with Uncle Sam. Then Betsey Ross (who I think is George Washington’s daughter?) made the American flag, and also something about a guy named Yankee Candle Dandy and flying a kite in a thunderstorm? Anyways, what I’m trying to get at is that I have no idea if you’re supposed to celebrate Independence Day in your underwear on a rented boat surrounded by bodyguards and budget Kardashian-looking call girls like Justin Bieber has chosen to do, but it seems about right to me.
Here’s more of Justin Bieber celebrating America’s Birthday (I think??) on a boat with some hoes. In the event they aren’t hookers (they are, but whatever, let’s pretend), that one in the red mesh swimsuit needs to take a good look in the mirror and ask herself why in the hell would she spend a day hanging out with Justin Bieber in taped-up nipples for free?? And don’t say it was for the booze; for $0 she could have gotten drunk in Mr. Turtle the backyard without torturing her nipple bumps with electrical tape. Rip off that tape and set your nipples free, bitch! It’s America Day! U-S-A! U-S-A!
During Wednesday night’s show in Miami for their “On The Run From Kim and Kanye” Tour, Her Majesty Beyoncé and smooth camel Jay-Z came for human diaper rash Justin Bieber by projecting his Barbizon-approved mug shot. Shocking, I know; Beyoncé ACTUALLY allowed a giant picture of someone else’s face to be shown. Maybe they ran out of super-secret wedding footage?
The picture of Canada’s swaggy preteen gerbil was shown during a performance of “Izzo” along with a collection of various celebrity mugshots, like Robert Downey Jr. and Bill Gates. However, those shady bitches timed it so that Justin Bieber’s birth announcement photo would appear at the part of the song where Jay-Z says “So poof, vamoose son of a bitch.” That high school drama queen even holds out his mic so that the audience can shout the lyrics along with him. It all goes down at the 0:57 mark.
According to the Mirror, after Beyoncé finished charging her batteries back stage, she came out and proved she’s still one of the greatest living professional trolls out there by saying of Bieber’s mugshot: “Even the greatest can fail.” Oh Stuntyoncé, you subtle robot you. Of course, Justin Bieber will probably find a douchey shitty baby way to respond to Jay-Z and Yawncé, but first he needs to fully wake up from his nap.
Selena Gomez really wanted to get a part-time job working at the mall this summer, but despite stapling her resume to a copy of her birth certificate, driver’s license, a recent bone scan, several birthday cards, and a photograph of her holding a newspaper from 1994, nobody would believe she wasn’t a toddler and refused to hire her because they didn’t want a visit from the child labor board. So Selena was forced to take the job she had last summer: babysitting Justin Bieber.
Selena learned from last year that if she doesn’t keep Justin busy with activities, he’s bound to sneak off and do hoodrat stuff, so on Sunday Selena took Justin to the L.A. Zoo. Us Weekly says that Justin’s grandparents also went to help her keep an eye on Pattie Mallette’s future retirement fund (one day she’ll retire from being a shameless pimp) and it sounds like Justin was on his best behavior:
“In front of the piranha tank, there was a little [disabled] girl in a wheelchair. Justin walked over, put his arm around her, and asked the family to take a picture.”
He took a picture with a wheelchair girl AND was so well-behaved he didn’t need to wear a child leash?! Usually watching Justin all summer is a fucking headache because his mom lets him do whatever he wants and he’s always running away on his Big Wheels. But it sounds like he’s trying to be a good boy ever since he was grounded for saying the n-word. This summer will be a piece of cake! Selena gets a break every day when he goes down for his 3-hour post-sizzurp afternoon nap, he’s always on his best behavior when they go out in public, plus she doesn’t have to change any diapers, since he’s finally potty trained now (well, save for a few accidents here and there, but give him a break, he’s still learning).
Someone get sex expert Sue Johanson on the phone! I know next to nothing about sexual reproduction because I went to the kind of no-budget high school where Sex Ed was limited to huddling around the VCR in the library and watching the two-part episode of Degrassi High where Dwayne admits to Joey Jeremiah that he’s got AIDS, so I depend on that sassy memaw to fill in the blanks and I need to know if it’s even possible for a pre-pubescent toddler to bust a nap time nut.
According to InTouch (via Radar), the rancid not-so-fresh feeling in society’s down-there Justin Bieber has reportedly been bareback baby humping groupies and has gotten at least two girls pregnant in the past 4 years. “Only two in four years? Damn, is everything working ok down there buddy?” – K-Fed. A source claims Justin never worries about knocking up random chicks because he “expects his team to handle it” in the event one of his Muppet Baby-looking sperms rides its tricycle into the girl’s uterus.
In the event a girl comes forward to say she’s with child (ironically, the same thing she probably texted to her friends just before she was about to sleep with Justin Bieber) his team investigates the claim to see if it’s legit, then stuffs a pile of money into a Cars 2 Lightning McQueen backpack and tells her never to contact him again.
Besides the obvious mechanical issues (his balls haven’t dropped yet) I don’t for a second believe that Justin Bieber has gotten anyone pregnant, because there’s no way in hell his greedy mother Pattie Mallette would ever let a precious money-making gift from God slip through her greasy dollar-counting fingers.
The other day, Justin Bieber Instagrammed (and later deleted) this picture of him looking like he’s getting burped by Selena Gomez and those of you who cared, guessed they were back together again, because she missed all the attention she gets when she’s with his ass and he missed her giving him a raspberry after changing his diaper.
I guess those junior high school messes are really back together again, because TMZ posted a riveting, 20-second-long video of Selena and Justin partying together at Bootsy Bellows on Monday night after spending the day in Malibu together. Selena apparently never left his side.
This Kids Inc. version of RiRi and Chris Brown…..
If this was an episode of Kids Inc., Martika would take Selena out to the basketball court set, sit her down on a bench and say to her, “Selena, I know you think you’re madly in love. You probably don’t care that he’s a jerk and is out there doing bad things, because you don’t think you can do any better. But you’re young and I need to tell you that once you start passing your pussy to other dudes, you’ll realize that the dick you thought was good, the dick you were dickmatized over, was actually shit and there’s better dick out there. These are the best years of your pussy’s life and don’t waste it on some chewed-off scab.” Then Fergie and that one whose name I always forget will come out and they’ll all sing a mash-up of He’s A Rebel/Not Tonight.
What I’m saying is that Selena really need a Martika in her life.
TMZ says that human snot-filled baby nasal aspirator Justin Bieber (seen here with the toy Scooter Braun bought him as a reward for going a whole night without a pair of Pull-Ups) can stop practicing his best Ally McBeal pout, because he’ll be plea bargaining his Miami DUI case and won’t be going to court.
Last January, Tantrum Toddler was arrested by Miami police for drag racing his Fisher-Price Power Wheels, drinking too many sips from his daddy’s unattended beer, and staying up way too late past his bedtime. Sadly, a sobriety test later proved he wasn’t drunk and it turned out he wasn’t actually drag racing, but he did test positive for weed, so charged him with reckless driving. TMZ originally reported said that Justin and his dirty teen ‘stache planned to turn down a plea deal, because admitting he did something wrong is as foreign concept to Justin as not being a blister-filled asshole. However “sources familiar to the situation” (Scooter Braun floating in a giant pool of cash) say that he will take the deal.
One of the reasons it took Justin so long to accept the plea deal (aside from sounding out all the big words) is that the original conditions were messy. The judge had originally wanted Justin to star in an anti-drug PSA, but his lawyers thought that was redundant, since “Don’t You Put It In Your Mouth” already exists. The judge also wanted Justin to attend a drug and alcohol education course, but again – redundant. Instead, he’ll give them a portion of his allowance and attend an anger management course. I believe the curriculum will include the episode of Caillou where he throws a block at his sister, and and a short essay on why Little Critter was “So Mad”.