I know we joke a lot about Justin Bieber living his life like an unsupervised child with a checking account, but this latest stunt is straight out of elementary school. Back in May 2016, an indie artist named Casey Dienel accused Justin and Skrillex of jacking a sample from her song Ring The Bell and using it without permission in the opening of Sorry. TMZ says that Justin Bieber was scheduled to attend a deposition last week to give his testimony about that. We all know how seriously Justin Bieber takes depositions (not very). But this time he couldn’t even be bothered to show up. He called in sick. Coincidentally, I believe most people are sick to death of his bullshit. But Casey Dienel’s lawyers think he was faking and they’ve got receipts.
Earlier we found out that police in Cleveland are investigating Justin Bieber for allegedly delivering a concussion-causing beatdown back in June. And now TMZ is saying that he’s currently being investigated for allegedly headbutting someone at a restaurant last weekend. It’s like he’s on a mission to disprove the stereotype that Canadians are a polite, peace-loving people.
Bieber’s latest alleged assault antics happened at around 2am last Saturday in West Hollywood. While at a pre-Grammys party that was hosted by his friend Poo Bear, Bieber was play fighting with Kyle Massey. Poo Bear? Corey from That’s So Raven? You know you’re not exactly hanging with a hard crew when it sounds like it was assembled by Mickey Mouse. Anyway, Bieber noticed that someone from the restaurant staff was recording their play fight. And we all know he doesn’t like that. A pissed-off Bieber demanded he delete the video, and that in turn caused more people to hit record on their cameras. Justin allegedly then lunged at one of the people and headbutted them.
On the bright side, Justin Bieber doesn’t have a brain, so I doubt he caused that much damage. Getting hit with something hollow tends not to hurt as much.
The police were called after the incident, but Bieber was gone by the time they arrived. The alleged victim doesn’t want to press charges, but the police are still investigating.
Justin Bieber has just about covered all his assault bases. He’s used his arms for throwing (both punches and eggs), his mouth for spitting (both words and actual spit), and now he’s headbutting people. He’s like a one-man Street Fighter game. The next thing you know he’ll be firing a surge of shitty energy out of his hands. Ha-douche-en!
In an alternate universe, this story is about Justin Bieber’s nanny finally getting revenge on him for the time he threw a tantrum and made her miss Hot in Cleveland. But in this world, it’s about the time Justin Bieber tried to whoop a dude’s ass in Cleveland ten months ago.
Warning: The following story will make you picture Justin Bieber going down on a girl. Please prepare your gag reflex accordingly.
The Weeknd must have finally gotten sick and tired of Selena Gomez’s jealous ex-boyfriend taking so many swipes at him, because it appears as though he might have finally slapped back. On Sunday night, Justin trolled The Weeknd by joking that Starboy is his favorite song. Justin is probably not laughing at The Weeknd’s latest song. The Weeknd appears on a song released earlier today by Toronto rapper Nav called Some Way in which he sings about getting with someone else’s girl. Around the 1:07 mark, he sings this lyric:
I think your girl, think your girl, fell in love with me
She say my fuck and my tongue game a remedy
TMZ says that fans are taking that as a slap to Justin Bieber.
I don’t want to speculate one way or the other, because this lame war between The Weeknd and Justin Bieber is a lose-lose situation for everybody involved. But I hope for Selena Gomez’s sake that The Weeknd’s lyrics are hypothetical ones. It’s just too depressing to think that she put up with Bieber’s bedroom laziness for as long as she did. If only there was a charitable organization out there called Save-a-Snatch that was dedicated to spreading awareness about sub-par oral skills, Selena might not have suffered so long.
In the real world, when adults see that one of their exes has started dating someone new, they might whisper, “Yeah, good luck with that,” to themselves before continuing to scroll through Instagram. Or they might just shrug, because who even cares. But since Justin Bieber hasn’t matured past middle school, he reacted to the news that his ex is getting railed by someone new a little differently. Shortly after Justin found out that his ex Selena Gomez was getting with The Weeknd, Justin puffed out his little chest and told paps that The Weeknd’s music was “wack.” Almost a month later, Justin is acting like a douchebag spurned again.
We already knew that Justin Bieber had no intention of going to the Grammys on Sunday night. But what did he do instead? He trolled The Weeknd on Instagram Live. Mashable says that it happened while driving around with a friend on Sunday night. Justin’s friend asks him what his favorite song is right now. That little shit-starter jokes that it’s Starboy, then laughs extra hard about it.
I wonder how long it took for Justin and his friend to come up with that sick burn? I bet they spent most of their time trying to decide between that, or having Justin’s friend ask him what part of the week he likes the best. “And then I’ll say the weekend! And then we’ll laugh! Oh my god, we’re so savage.”
Justin really thinks he’s really ripped a hot one there, but the joke’s on him. Starboy totally seems like the song Justin Bieber would play on repeat while watching himself flex his abs in a full-length mirror.
The Super Bowl is the biggest day for nacho eaters, but it’s also the biggest day of the year for Don Draper types. The Super Bowl is the Super Bowl of advertising; it’s the day commercials go extra. What other time of year could you watch Sexy Mr. Clean thrust his tight CGI ass and think “Yeah, no, this is totally normal.”
So way back in 2015, Veruca Salt’s Canadian counterpart Justin Bieber demanded his own Super Bowl commercial.
I want a super bowl commercial 🙂
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) December 10, 2015
His dream came true this year when T-Mobile put him in a Super Bowl commercial.