Anyone who has ever turned 25 (or 15 or 30 or 96) knows that there’s going to be at least one melodramatic trick who gets all kinds of messy and turns your party into an episode of Intervention. Crying. Screaming. Hissing “YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN JEALOUS OF ME!!!” to no one in particular before storming out, then returning 4 minutes later with a bottle of wine asking “Who wants some wine? It’s wine time! Weeeew!” and acting like nothing happened. Well, according to UsWeekly, that person at Taylor Swift’s super sweet 25th birthday party last weekend was none other than toddler-faced chipmunk Selena Gomez.
An insider (either Meredith or the SVU cat) says that everyone was having a great time at Tay Tay’s party, until Selena started getting emotional and turning into THAT girl. Selena reportedly started crying and was heard shouting: “No one understands me! My boyfriend doesn’t even understand me!” According to the insider, the only response she got was from singer Sam Smith, who “just stared” at her. Probably because it’s all he could do to keep from grabbing her by the shoulders and screaming “GOOD GOD TODDLER, GET A GRIP!”
I know that Selena is next-level dickmatized when it comes to that bottle blonde brat Justin Bieber, but this is getting ridiculous. Crying over that pint-sized douche in the privacy of your own home is one thing, but doing it in the middle of a birthday party full of famous people? And how especially rude of Selena to yank the attention away from the star of the party. No, I’m not talking about Tay Tay – I’m talking about her majesty Beyonce. “If Beyonce had known Beyonce was going to get upstaged by a sad chipmunk, Beyonce would have stayed home.”
Some dudes choke the chicken and others like Justin Bieber choke the cock.
Dried smegma dingle Justin Bieber shat up this picture on Instagram of him getting kinky with fellow shit head Chris Brown. I know, these two were in the same room together and nobody unleashed a hungry tiger into the room before locking the door. What is wrong with people?!
Those two really go together like an enema and a bowel full of hard shit. But who knew that Justin Bieber is the dom and Chris Brown is the sub in that relationship? These two look like they’re getting into some rough trade in the backroom of the worst S&M club ever. This is like something out of Fifty Shades of Douche. If you were browsing disgusting pictures on 4Chan (example: a picture of My Little Pony disintegrating in a jar of jizz, etc…) and laid eyes on this picture, you’d probably say, “Nope. TOO FAR.” If this picture wasn’t gross enough, the Biebs upped the grossness with this little air kiss blown at Chris Brown:
Had fun with the homey @Chrisbrownofficial
E! thinks that the picture is tasteless and insensitive since The Difficult Brown punched and choked RiRi in 2009. Did they expect anything less?
The Biebs and Fist Brown are having fun and sharing their kinky homey love on Instagram today, but we all know how this is going to play out. They’re going to break up and Fist Brown is going to accuse the Biebs of fucking Wheelchair Jimmy in Toronto.
The only thing that’s really missing is Parasite Hilton’s tongue on his mouth and Robin Thicke humping his ass (insert JealousUsher.Gif here).
Justin Bieber took a break from ruining the health and lives of animals to bleach his mop blond. He’s just being Miley! All that bleach and he still looks sucio. If the Biebs was going for “Vanilla Ice’s bleached asshole,” then he nailed it. But whatever, the Beliebers (yes, those still exist) seem to love it and are fapping over his “6th grade dropout who ran away from his Florida trailer park home at 16 and traded ass for meth at truck stops throughout the south” look (in other words, the Aaron Carter look). The most tragic thing about the Biebs’ new look is his eyebrow situation. Bitch, you ain’t Mariel Hemingway. You can’t work the blond hair/dark brows look.
In other constipated toddler douche news, Curbed says that the Biebs got a new house to go with his new look. He’s apparently spending $59,000 a month on a Beverly Hills mansion that looks like a Texas office park shit on a pile of vomit that a biotech lab barfed up. Well, the good news for Justin’s dogs is that I don’t see any balconies in these pictures.
Don’t worry, the dog is fine. Sure, he might suffer from chronic doggy lung damage after breathing in Justin Bieber’s douche fumes, but that has nothing to do with the two-storey fall off a balcony. But how did Justin Bieber’s dog end up being tossed over a balcony in the first place, you may be asking. According to TMZ, it all started a year ago when the human expired Go-Gurt tube and his father Jeremy adopted an American Bulldog puppy they named Karma. Yes, they gave their dog a stripper name. Would you expect anything less from these two dildos? Anyways, I guess Justin is still too little to take care of a puppy, so Karma went to live with Bieber Sr. in Canada. Because Justin is living proof that Jeremy is really good at raising things.
Once Karma moved up north, Jeremy hired a trainer to make sure the dog didn’t go all Cujo, but Karma was still a bit of a mess and he ended up biting one of Jeremy’s other kids, Jaxon. Karma’s trainer Trevor Dvernichuk says that’s when Jeremy allegedly grabbed Karma and threw him off a second storey balcony into a snowbank, hissing at Trevor to take the dog and not to bring him back till Karma is properly socialized.
The only problem (well, besides the fact that assholes are still allowed to own dogs) is that Trevor still has Karma and has been telling everyone that Justin and Jeremy pretty much abandoned his ass. However, Jeremy says Trevor stole Karma, and now he’s getting the police involved so he can get Karma back. Meanwhile in California, Karma’s other deadbeat daddy Justin Bieber is also dealing with the police, but it’s because somebody called the cops on him for being an obnoxious little shit on his skateboard.
Say it with me now: THIS FAMILY IS TRASH! Throwing a dog off a balcony? Hay-zoos, even Michael Vick is like “Errr…“. Although part of me thinks that Jeremy didn’t actually throw Karma off the balcony, but that Karma jumped to get away from those awful garbage people.
And I really hope that if Karma is returned to Jeremy, he lives up to his name and comes back to literally bite Jeremy in the ass.
First things first, we need to talk about whoever at Billboard is responsible for that wonderful Usher pun. Usher in a new era. I love you. Your muffin basket is in the mail.
Usher recently spoke to Billboard about the tiny Canadian terror toddler he released into the world (aka Justin Bieber), specifically how their relationship has changed over the years. You see, when Usher first went to Canada to adopt the unruly gerbil, it was more of a big brother/little brother relationship. Usher took Justin under his wing and showed him the ropes. But then Justin turned 12 (or however old he is) and became a little shit, and started doing hoodrat stuff with his friends. Usher says that now that Justin has grown, their relationship is more “man-to-man” now, which has ushered in a new era where he ain’t afraid to whoop a trick if he steps out of line:
“He’s making his own decisions and it’s important to show support. I can say I’m not happy with all the choices my friend has made, but I’m supportive of him. I try my hardest to give as much positive reinforcement as I can. I’ll punch him in the fucking chest when I need to, and give him a hug and kiss when I need to. It’s more than just mentoring. I love the kid.”
I wonder which Justin likes more, getting a hug and kiss or taking one of Usher’s fists? My guess is the hug and the kiss, especially if they come with a lullaby sung through Usher’s beautiful dog whistle voice.
Either way, Usher and Justin’s new relationship sounds like some low-budget Beyond Scared Straight shit, and it kind of reminds me of the time I watched two teenage dirtbags attempt to fight each other at the end of my driveway. They started by blowing each other very aggressive air-kisses, which escalated to staring furiously into each others eyes, which escalated to one hissing “puta!” and poking at the other one’s chest. This went on for about 10 minutes and literally not one punch was thrown. It was so weird. Shit, maybe that was actually Justin and Usher! One did have a patchy little teen ‘stache.
Paris Fashion Week is happening right now (RIGHT NOW! GET IN THE CHOPPAH!), which means that lots of famous hos have flown to France for the week. Obviously when there are that many famous people in one place, you’re bound to bump into someone you share a penis ride or two with. For example, the most common words spoken backstage at every fashion show are “You let Leo DiCaprio drunk-bang you on a yacht too?” And sometimes if you’re really lucky, there’s a photographer close by to capture the awkward moment two side-pieces are forced to pretend they don’t totally hate each other’s guts. Like on Wednesday, when toddler-faced panty model Miranda Kerr ran into toddler-faced singer Selena Gomez at the Louis Vuitton show. It’s like the basic bitch fetus-faced version of “The Boy Is Mine“!
In case you’ve forgotten, shit is toddler-tense because Miranda once maybe-humped on come-to-life teen ‘stache Justin Bieber while he was maybe still with Selena, so she decided to get revenge by maybe-humping on Miranda’s ex-husband Orlando Bloom. Then Orlando tried to fight Justin at a club in Ibiza. Basically it was a four-way loser square of losers (especially Orlando, who should have gone into witness protection after getting involved with this trash). But just like every bad decision that comes back to haunt your ass, Justin and Orlando’s former drama-starting side-pieces crossed paths in Paris. And God sent us an angel from Heaven to capture it forever, because God is clearly real and loves us very much. The only thing that would have been better is if Justin (who is in Paris right now) had been at the Louis Vuitton show too, but he was too busy punching paps like the spoiled baby shitbag he is.
Besides, he probably would have been too smitten with the toddler-face in the middle (aka Odeya Rush from The Giver) to even notice Miranda and Selena. “Scooter! Bring my Power Wheels around to the front of the hotel and have the good people at Charles E. Fromage prepare my table with their most expensive bottle of sparkling grape juice. I believe I’ve found a new fetus-faced angel to woo.”
Here’s more of Selena and Miranda before their show-down at the LV show:
Today, all of our thoughts about a topless Justin Bieber are best expressed through Lara Stone screaming, “don’t look down, DON’T look down,” on the inside.
The Kid Sister on HGH doll made an appearance at Fashion Rocks on CBS last night and when he sashayed out onto the stage to introduce a performance by Rita Whora with model Lara Stone, some people in the audience greeted his ass the way everyone should greet him: they slapped him down with a wave of BOOOOOOOOS. Most toddlers would bust out a silent cry before melting into a puddle of rejection if they were booed, but not the Biebs. The Biebs pulled off his blazer from Gymboree’s Miami Vice Collection and stripped down to his Calvins. Those are the weirdest diapers I’ve ever seen.
The good news for all of us is that the Biebs wore boxers briefs instead of tighty whities. I don’t think any of us were built to take in the image of Justin Bieber’s camel toe. Some people continued to throw boos at the Biebs, but some sucio bitches who should be arrested screamed and their loud screeches are still echoing through the Barclays Center this morning. Workers are cursing those nasty whores as they scrub the stickiness from the floor.
One time while waiting in line at McDonald’s (that is going to be the title of my memoirs, FYI), there was a lady a couple of people in front of me with three brats who were screaming at the top of their lungs and acting like hyenas on speed. They were running around and the mom was on the verge. The mom’s two boys started slapping each other and as she tried to break them up, her little girl started taking off all her clothes. The mom saw what was going down, screamed and covered her daughter with her body while running off to the bathroom. That’s what Lara Stone should’ve done. Lara should’ve screamed, covered Justin’s body and pulled him to the bathroom. But instead she just nervously giggled while waiting for Chris Hansen to show up.
The clip of this mess is below (click here for a clip where you can hear the boos more clearly):
Those grown man moans… I didn’t know Bryan Singer had such a deep voice!
Pics: Getty, Splash
Literally every American is screaming “QUICK! CLOSE THE BORDER!” at this very moment. And I’m eye-shanking all of you, because it looks like that little shithead is our problem once again. According to CBC News, Canada’s crown prince of shitty spoiled asshole behavior Justin Bieber has once again proved what a shitty spoiled asshole he is by crashing his ATV into a minivan and then picking a fight with the driver on Friday just east of Statford, Ontario. Caillou’s rotten cousin was taken in by police and charged with assault and dangerous driving, but he was released on the promise that he appear in a Stratford court on September 29th. How Canadian, right? “We’ll let you go if you pinky-swear to come back.”
Bieber is currently on probation for egging his neighbor’s house, so he could be majorly fucked. But speaking as a Canadian person with a basic understanding of the legal system (thanks to reruns of Street Legal), that lil’ asshole will probably get off with barely a slap on the wrist. He’ll be sentenced to a 12-pack of maple-dip donuts and asked to be more careful next time before the judge musses up his hair and tells him: “Get on now, scoot! And stay outta trouble you little scamp!” Then Stratford will declare September 29th Justin Bieber Assault Day and everyone will get the day off work. No, that won’t happen – I’m sure the people of Stratford hate him just as much as the rest of North America. But they do have this weird sort of pride for him, so who knows?
But getting arrested in rural Ontario after crashing your ATV into a minivan and instigating a fist-fight with the driver? Even Ricky from Trailer Park Boys is like “Damn, that’s trashy.”
Justin Bieber was on his way back from another try at beating Chipmunkra’s score at Down the Clown at Dave & Buster’s when some amusing pap rear-ended him. Dickus noted the photographer following him and hit the brakes, getting rear-ended. This went down on Tuesday afternoon in West Hollywood.
Yes, I find his Ferrari being dinged by a Prius induces chuckles. He’s like the villainy cunt in every bad teen movie from the 80s, caring only about himself and his bitchin’ ride and he should be called Chet. Or Chad. Something “CH-.” You just want him to end up wedgied or covered in horseshit or taped into a gorilla suit by the end of the movie. This post just got really kinky.
Justin Bieber (seen above trying for “sexy” and ending up with “shart”) has been feeling very liberated after shaving his poopstache so he allegedly tried to grab a cellphone off a guy at Dave & Buster’s in Hollywood last night.
TMZ reports that Asshole and his on-again/off-again girlfriend Chipmunkra (Selena Gomez) were hanging at the chain restaurant/arcade when another patron reportedly started clicking away at them on his phone. Justin refused to be snapped losing to his piece at the giant Connect Four game so he went for the dude’s phone. His security held him back, someone called the authorities, and his ass left before they got there. I hope someone mopped his prize tickets and used them to buy some gum Serves him right. (I never win enough tickets at that bullshit so I always end up getting gum or a plastic bird you can whistle through after adding water.)