Whispers From The Junior High School Cafeteria: Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Are Hanging Out Again
Selena Gomez was recently in rehab for her addiction to booze, the good shit, Ambien and Justin Bieber, and while she was in there her family should’ve handcuffed her to a sturdy bed and brought in a Catholic priest to bust an exorcism on her. Because if you’re “addicted” to that Sizzurp-filled boil, then it’s obvious some dark-sided shit is possessing your body. Or you’re just dumber than a dried dingle clinging to a dog’s hairy ass. Well, whatever the case may be, Selena can’t stop getting her fix of the worst kind of bad shit. TMZ posted this picture of Selena and the swaggy Kid Sister doll coming out of a restaurant in McAllen, TX today after having breakfast together. It was like old times again when Selena had to change the Biebs Pampers in the bathroom after he made an oopsie poopy from eating too many chocolate chip pancakes.
TMZ says that after breakfast, Selena and the Biebs went to Starbucks and then to a perfumeria where he bought Obsession by Calvin Klein and Pour Homme by Givenchy. Selena is in Texas for a show on Saturday night and TMZ says that the Biebs has no other reason to be there, so he probably flew in just for her.
Yesterday, Justin Bieber was in Miami for a deposition in a civil suit filed by a pap who claims to have gotten whooped by one his bodyguards, and apparently he threw another hissy fit and left the room when lawyers started asking questions about Selena Gomez. So the emotions are still raw and nobody can burp the Biebs like Selena can. You know, a lot of hos say that Selena Gomez can do better, but after reading that she went to la perfumeria with him and allowed him to buy Obsession by CK in the year 2014, it’s obvious to me that she’s as much of a gross monster as he is. They deserve each other!
When I was in the 7th grade, I would sit at the cafeteria table gossiping with my cholita friends about the on-and-off relationship of two brats we hated. And here I am decades later, gossiping about the one-and-off relationship of two 13-year-olds (on the inside). I’ve really evolved as a human being.
Yes, actual visual confirmation that Justin Bieber is able to go potty all by himself. You did it, Justin! You made a pee-pee on your own and for that, you get to choose if you’d rather have chicken nuggies or hot dogtopuses for dinner.
But back to the video. I thought I’d finally have reason to bust out the Guthy-Renker Portable Eye Gouger I got in my stocking at Christmas when it was announced a potty training video of Tantrum Toddler would be released. Sadly, the unopened Eye Gouger is still in my closet next to 200 boxes of Proactive, because the video was not bad enough to make my eyes scream in horror.
If I wasn’t told me this was a video of TT giving a urine sample in jail, I might have thought it was leaked security camera footage from the washroom at a Yo Gabba Gabba concert. It could also be a live stream from the wash station at an illegal dog groomers located in some shady fucker’s basement. Basically, what I’m trying to say is it’s nothing to get your diaper in a twist over.
And slow claps to the master-level trolling by the guy who’s job it was to censor Bieber’s junk. That giant black box is the dick-hiding version of a comically-oversized foam finger. There’s no way his dick is any larger than one of his Fisher-Price Little People, so choosing a black rectangle that big made me choke on my Baileys.
Justin Bieber’s Urine Test Video From Jail Is Going To Be Released, But His Junk Will Be Blacked Out
And praise fucking everything, because nobody but Justin Bieber’s pediatrician should ever see his potty trained pi-pi making wee-wee. Hell, even Pedobear wasn’t comfortable with the idea of looking at what was underneath My Buddy’s red overalls. So today we should all be pouring out a cup of sizzurp as a sign of respect for the poor soul at the Miami-Dade County police department who’s job it is to go in and blur out Tantrum Toddler’s crotch.
HuffPo says video clips of Justin’s time in jail will be released with appropriate censoring to protect his privacy, but not everyone agrees with the decision to do so. Both TT’s lawyers and the Miami-Dade County Judge agree that releasing the video would be an invasion of privacy and totally creepy because he looks like a fucking 9-year-old (I added that last part because they forgot to) but the state of Florida is a slut when it comes to their open records laws, so they’re releasing that piss video no matter what. If you see Pimp Mama Kris skulking around Miami-Dade County in the pantsuit she wears to piss video negotiations anytime soon, you’ll know why.
I understand that legally they have to release the video, but I’m not sure just what kind of person wants to see a video of Justin Bieber giving a urine test. This all feels like an elaborate set-up by Chris Hansen and the To Catch a Predator team. “You’ve chosen to view a video titled Justin Bieber Peeing. Why don’t you go ahead and take a seat over there.”
And because you need something to keep the NOPE sector in your brain busy between now and when that piss video is released, here are some pictures taken of TT’s tattoos while he was being held in police custody during his January arrest. I’d have to say my personal favourite is the shitty joker, but embarrassed-looking Jesus is a close second.
“Justin! Look over here honey! Can you smile please? I know you’re tired, but I’d like to send a Gammy a picture of you at the zoo. Justin honey, if you don’t smile, we’re going home and you won’t get to see the baby pandas.”
Awww, Baby’s First DUI Trial; they grow up so fast! Pattie Mallette must be so proud of her lil’ angel; she’s probably at home right now cleaning off the dried formula puke from his christening suit. He’s going to need to look his best because TMZ is saying that Justin Bieber’s Miami DUI case will be going to trial. Everybody cross your fingers, cross your dog’s fingers, find Finger Street on a map and cross it; do whatever you need to do to make it so Judge Judy presides over this trial.
Knowing that every aspect of Justin Bieber’s DUI arrest was messier than his finger paintings, Miami prosecutors have offered to sweep everything under the rug with a no-contest plea to reckless driving and mandatory drug testing for 6 to 9 months. Sources connected to Bieber say they will refuse any plea presented to them, especially one that involves probationary terms like drug testing, because baby-baby-baby-DUH, he’d fail a drug test just by looking at it. Also, Justin would rather eat off-brand Goldfish crackers than admit he was being a shitty driver by taking a plea deal, so it’s likely to go to trial. Sadly, he has the power of shitty police reports on his side, which means the whole thing could get thrown out and he’ll be back to ripping down the street in his Power Wheels in no time.
However, if the universe takes pity on humanity, and Justin is found guilty of DUI, resisting arrest, and driving on an expired license, he could be sentence to 2.5 years in prison. Oooh, I know what I’m dreaming about tonight. We open on a humid Florida courtroom. The jury consists of 11 guys named Skooter and a gator wearing a pair of bifocals. Pissed off that they’re missing cheeseburger fuck hour at the Waffle House, they all agree to just “get this shit wrapped up and send this motherfucker to prison”. BRB, I need to go write a play called 12 Angry Bros.
Yesterday, Justin Bieber reminded us all once again of the tired cliché that most stage moms push their kid into show business because they’ve always wanted to be A STAAAAH! when he uploaded this video of his mother (never has the use of a word felt so incorrect) Pattie Mallette in a recording studio to Instagram with the caption: “Got my moms courage enough to get in the booth for the first time she sounds so good.”
Courage? Ugh times twelve divided by all the eye rolls to the power of gagging. It takes so much courage and bravery to visualize a giant cheque being deposited into your already over-inflated bank account. Say what you will about White Oprah and Kris Jenner: they may be parasitic, delusional, enabling stage moms with a soulless desire to pimp out their own children, but at least they never tried to launch a singing career (oh wait…)
Justin Bieber’s Wax Figure Has Been Removed From Madame Tussauds Due To ‘Excessive Groping And Fondling’
Ugh, I feel like just typing the words ‘Justin Bieber‘ in the same sentence as ‘groping’ and ‘fondling’ have put me on some sort of watch list. And if that didn’t do it, then downloading the 100% Not Right picture of Justin Bieber’s wax figure definitely did. If anyone out there knows how to erase the contents of a hard drive, let me know.
I guess today’s theme is Candle-Looking Motherfuckers, because here comes a second story about a plastic face ruined by too much manipulation. According to Page Six, the New York location of Madame Tussauds was forced to retire their 3-year-old wax figure of Justin Bieber after crazy fans turned it into Sloth from The Goonies by violently molesting up the face with their love:
One source said of the Bieber figure, which was installed in his younger, more innocent days, “With no ropes or barriers to stop them, thousands of fans have had their photographs taken with him since then — but it has taken its toll.”
Madame Tussauds New York says the figure has been damaged over the years, and despite regular maintenance, “it no longer does justice either to the star or to the attraction,” and so it has reluctantly decided to remove it.
Madame Tussauds general manager, Bret Pidgeon, acknowledged, “This is disappointing, but hopefully we can welcome a new ‘grown-up’ Justin back to the attraction in the near future.”
What part of that awful wax figure made people want to start aggressively rubbing their no-nos on: the soccer mom vest or the Sears wig? I really shouldn’t be judging these people (no matter how weird or in need of deep psychiatric care they clearly are); if Madame Tussauds ever made a wax replica of The Hammaconda, I’d be the first to plan an elaborate Ocean’s 11-style heist to steal it. Except knowing my dumb ass, I’d end up getting caught before I even made it out to my car. The jig would be up after several guests of Madame Tussauds track down a security guard and complain that there’s a woman curled up in the fetal position on the floor of the restrooms, clutching a giant wax peen and weeping “Thiiiis is the haaaaappiest day of my liiiiiiife.”
In a scene that looks straight out of the first season 2 episode of Orange is the New Black, the dried dingle clinging to humanity’s overused butt plug gets frisked down and up by a police officer after he was arrested in Miami for doing hood rat stuff including driving drunk, drag racing and being an overall rusty thorn stuck in civilization’s last nerve. Miami Beach PD released this swaggy booking video of Justin Bieber taking off his shoes, taking off his shirt and spreading it to get frisked and patted down by a cop. The leaders of the Wild Kidz, who is also facing felony egging charges in L.A., knows the drill, because he has to do the exact same thing when he greets Usher. This is the greatest Justin Bieber video that Justin Biever has ever starred in. It’s like feel good medicine for your soul. But that cop is really brave. When he put his hand in Justin’s baggy shorts, he was risking sticking his fingers in the turdies that the Biebs dropped during his arrest.
And while this is going down, a dude in a cell watches on and wonders who that sweet-faced, pretty-mouthed young chicken in baggy culottes is. He’s calling dibs.
Justin Bieber’s pre-K behavioural issues have gotten so bad lately that I could literally start making up outrageous headlines about him being a shit and none of you would doubt them. Justin Bieber knocks an elderly woman down the stairs and steals $10 from her purse. Of course he would. Justin Bieber spits in a 3-legged dog’s face for fun. Sounds about right. Justin Bieber pulls out his wee-wee and pisses on a sleeping infant. That’s just what toddlers do when they’re jealous of the new baby. But I can assure you the headline up top about him and dad being total dicks on a plane is 100% true, because NBC News has obtained one doozy of a flight report.
According to the report, Justin and the Wild Kidz (that includes his dad, because he’s a fucking child) were repeatedly asked to stop smoking weed inside the cabin of their private jet. Eventually, the plane became thick with smoke and both pilots were forced to wear oxygen masks for the duration of the flight. Now, if this were a story about Snoop Dogg, we would chuckle to ourselves: “Oh Snoop, what kind of wacky hi-jinx will you get into next?” but this is a spoiled little kinder-shit, so it’s not funny. Plus, Snoop Dogg would never be accused of the next part:
“The captain also stated he needed to request that the passengers stop their harassing behavior toward the flight attendant and after several warnings asked the flight attendant to stay with him near the cockpit to avoid any further abuse.”
“The flight attendant stated the passengers, including Bieber and his father, Jeremy Bieber,” stated the report, “were extremely abusive verbally and she would not work another flight with them.”
Think about that for a second; Justin and his dad harassed a woman so much that she was unable to do her job. Most people in the service industry have to put up with an awful lot, so when you see someone throw their arms in the air and say “Fuck this, I’m out” it means shit got real. And that flight was only from Toronto to New Jersey; that’s like an hour. That means Justin Bieber can’t go 60 minutes without being an awful garbage person.
And I’d say “Pattie Mallette, NOW can you come get your son??” but I have a feeling she’s too busy writing her next book: I Fucked Up Bad, You Guys.
Buuuuut also for pot and booze and pills and DIY leather projects. Which brings me to my next point: when did Selena Gomez turn into a dope-smoking, booze-chugging skid? Correct me if I’m wrong, but it was my understanding that Selena was BFFs with that dimple-cheeked goody two-shoes Taylor Swift, and her idea of a bad-as-I-wanna-be time is drinking full-sugar root beer floats, taking 3 Flintstone vitamins, and watching The Craft. Unless Taylor has a secret drug addiction and she’s the one who hooked Selena up with Tantrum Toddler in the first place. What am I even saying? She probably hasn’t even smoked a cigarette (and when she does, it will look like this).
But back to Selena “Lil’ Badgirl” Gomez. According to TMZ, Selena had been studying at the Demi Lovato Bad Shit Academy and preparing for her GED (the final exam takes place on a plane) but left to pursue other interests, like not being a pilled-up drunk, at a rehab centre in Arizona called The Meadows:
Sources say Selena went for a combination of problems, including alcohol, pot and prescription Ambien.
But we’re told Selena’s decision was largely based on “that crazy boy” — aka Bieber. Selena blames a lot of her problems on the excesses she was exposed to by being around Bieber and his buddies.
The 2-week program at The Meadows is called DAWN … specifically designed for people between 18 and 26. DAWN specializes in substance dependence, trauma, family dynamics, mental health and relapse prevention.
I’m just glad Selena finally woke the fuck up and realized her life was turning into the sad cliché of a post-Disney actress and high-tailed it all the way to professional help. I also hope she’s serious about staying sober. And no, I’m not talking about the booze; live every day like it’s raining the sweet nectar and get your swerve on for all I care. I’m talking about staying sober from Justin Bieber; Justin Bieber is a hell of a drug. I’ll be crossing my fingers for you in the hope you don’t relapse.
Here’s more of a cleaner Selener out for brunch with a friend wearing the kind of outfit that says ”I’m still making mistakes, just not the drug kind.”
Since Justin Bieber probably won’t be doing any jail time, and you have to be in big boy pants or weaned off breastmilk before being admitted to Wee Hab: The Rehab for Babies, it looks like Tantrum Toddler is going to have to get creative if he wants to win back the public’s affection (and he better do it quick; it’s only a matter of time before the leaders of Galactus X5 receive our petition asking them to abduct him and take him back to their planet for probing). According to Page Six, Justin is dumber than we thought, because his big damage control idea is to strengthen his relationship with Christ through baptism:
Multiple sources confirmed to us that Bieber was looking for a Manhattan property with a private pool to conduct a baptism-like ceremony with the Hillsong Church NYC.
One source said, “Justin and his team spent time on Saturday searching for a place with a pool where they could conduct a baptism for him, a cleansing ritual, with the Hillsong Church. But they couldn’t find a place in time.”
Another source added, “Justin is serious about his Christian faith, and after recent events, he needed to take a pause.”
I feel like even the most Bible Belt-y of Christians are reading this and thinking: “He needs to take a long pause in the time-out chair”. Getting baptized isn’t going to do shit; the last time I checked, splashing water on your head washes away sins, not the stench of douchebaggery. Plus, has anyone asked Christ what he wants? Maybe he doesn’t want a closer relationship with Justin Bieber. Maybe every time he sees an incoming prayer from Justin on his phone, he mutters “Oh, fuck off” before hitting ‘decline’ and then seeks validation from his friends that he didn’t do anything wrong. “Ugh, you guys, does that make me a bad person?? I, like, never do that; but he’s just soooooo awful. I shouldn’t feel bad, right?” (“OMG Jesus, no! Do NOT even feel bad.”)
Here’s more of a post-pool shopping Justin in NYC posing for pictures with some fans. Hey fans? You need to get your shit together too; waiting outside in a snow storm for a pop star with a declining career trajectory is a sure sign that it’s time to let Jesus take the wheel: