Two Februarys ago, everyone (including our asshole asses) spread the story that Selena Gomez had spent two weeks in The Meadows, a rehab place in Arizona, to deal with all sorts of shit including an addiction to booze, Ambien, weed and Bieber dick. The story was that Selena needed to get herself together and cleanse her soul after spending so much time with Justin Bieber and his gang of dried taint scabs. Selena’s abuelo later said that she has lupus and was in treatment for that. Selena hasn’t talked about it until her newest interview with Billboard. Selena is screaming, “I have lupus, you assholes, and shut the hell up, Dr. House, I know what you’re going to say next.”
Selena tells Billboard that she wanted to verbally throat punch all the pieces of trash who said that she took a break for rehab, because she really took a break to treat her lupus with chemotherapy.
“I was diagnosed with lupus, and I’ve been through chemotherapy. That’s what my break was really about. I could’ve had a stroke. I wanted so badly to say, ‘You guys have no idea. I’m in chemotherapy. You’re assholes.’ I locked myself away until I was confident and comfortable again.”
When the wrong story made the rounds, Selena felt bad, because she didn’t think she deserved that kind of treatment. She’s a nice person! She’s a UNICEF ambassador! She doesn’t deserve to be gossiped about like that! Selena’s quotes gave me light shades of Angelea’s unforgettable “Bitch, I worked at a bank” monologue from America’s Next Top Model.
“I’m so fucking nice to everybody, and everyone is so vile to me. I’ve been working since I was 7. I’ve been a UNICEF ambassador since I was 17. It’s so disappointing that I’ve become a tabloid story. The hate motivated me.”
Selena says that all the shit-talking and hate took her music to places it’s never been before. Hmmmm, so if her new album is a huge hit, all of us who passed around that story and talked a lot of shit should get a cut of its profits. E-mail us for our PayPal info, Selena! But seriously, Selena may not have gone to rehab, but I probably should go. Because I had an early morning nightmare where I was dancing to Justin Bieber’s “What Do You Mean?” and I had a smile on my face. That nightmare is my self-conscious’ way of telling me, “GET HELP.”
Future historians will mark today as the day the world was rid of all of the Beliebers because they all hit puberty before combusting after looking at naked pictures of their 21-year-old God.
Usher just put a “DO NOT DISTURB, FOR REAL” sign on his office door and locked that shit, because the NYDN threw up a bunch of censored pictures of Justin Bieber taking his Bel Ami twink body for a swim in Bora Bora. The Biebs is there with his newest piece, Jayde Pierce. If you really want to expose your eyes to those pics, the censored ones are here and the uncensored ones are here and here. Before you click, you better contact your local Catholic church and ask them to set a bowl of holy water aside for your, because you will want to dunk your whole face in afterward.
You know, the Little Biebs isn’t a taco, it’s more of a taquito. Why did I just type that? But really, I’m going to call Photoshop, because I refuse to believe that Justin Bieber’s crotch isn’t completely flat and smooth and doesn’t have the word Mattel tattooed into it.
Despite the fact that he spent most of a recent concert in New Zealand chugging booze straight from the bottle and sucking back joints (or as he calls them, grown-up juice and silly daddy cigarettes), Justin Bieber – seen above shotgunning a beer in an Instagram video posted three weeks ago – is sober. Or at least that’s what Justin’s famous friends would like you to think.
TMZ says the humanoid tied-off Spring Break condom known as Riff Raff came to Justin’s defense by claiming that Justin isn’t the out-of-control toddler he sometimes appears to be. According to Riff Raff, he and Diplo were hanging out with Justin last week at a recording studio in Hollywood and he was too busy polishing his halo to engage in any bad boy behavior with them. Riff Raff says he and Diplo were “fucked up“, but that Justin was just saying NO to all that shit. They later decided to go to a club, and Riff Raff says Justin was sober the whole time.
When asked about the footage of him acting like Lampwick at Pleasure Island in New Zealand last week, Riff Raff says he may have fallen off the Little Tykes wagon, but added that it was probably just a one-time thing.
Okay, first of all, how in the world would Riff Raff and Diplo even know if someone is sober? Diplo is too busy nervously looking over his shoulders for Taylor Swift’s sugar cookie soldiers and starting shit with tweens on Twitter to notice if Justin slipped some hooch into his sippy cup. And Riff Raff – I mean, would Riff Raff even be able to recognize what “sober” is? Riff Raff’s sober is a regular person’s messy as fuck (or a Lohan’s buzzed).
Maybe TMZ should have asked Riff Raff to be more specific. He never said what they were “fucked up” on. “I was snorting lines of osteoporosis pills cut with Scrubbing Bubbles, but I swear Justin didn’t touch any of it.”
Here’s the poster boy of sobriety climbing a boat in Australia last week. Yeah, that’s totally something a not-high person does.
Seen above posing as a constipated Douchedini, Justin Bieber did a cover interview with Complex magazine where he naturally burped up a few insufferable dingles. Such as, the Biebs doesn’t think that whole assholetastic “pissing in a janitor bucket” move was a big deal, because the “dude at the club” told him he could do it since the bathroom was far away. But it’s his words about Jesus, Christianity and the universe that really prove to us that he’s not just a little popped anus pimple that refuses to heal. He’s also a spiritual philosopher and deep, deep thinker.
Justin Bieber is currently terrorizing Melbourne, which really makes no sense to me. How did he get into Australia so easily? Johnny Depp’s Yorkies, Boo and Pistol, are forcibly deported, but yet Justin Beiber is allowed in without being quarantined? Justin Bieber is more of a threat against the people of Australia than two foreign Yorkies are!
Some people don’t like Justin Bieber’s new song, because it’s sung by Justin Bieber, but Lena Dunham doesn’t like it for a different reason. Lena Dunham thinks that some of the lyrics in the Biebs’ “What Do You Mean?” promote rape culture. Before I agree or disagree with Lena, I need to check the law to see if it states that promoting rape culture in a pop song will result in lifetime imprisonment.
In the Biebs’ new song, he yodels out the lyrics, “What do you mean? / When you nod your head yes / But you wanna say no / What do you mean?” The Internet ran their magnifying glasses over the stupid lyrics of a Justin Bieber song and some think that he’s Robin Thicke Jr. The Biebs recently explained the meaning of his extremely deep song to the evil mastermind frog Ryan Seacrest:
“Well, girls are often just flip-floppy … They say something and they mean something else. So … what do you mean? I don’t really know, that’s why I’m asking.”
I listened to “What Do You Mean?” a few times (for research purposes only, okay?) and I didn’t get a “Blurred Lines” vibe from it at all. But the Little Critter of Brooklyn did and she let it be known that she doesn’t like it. Lena never called out the Biebs by name, but you don’t have to ask her “Who do you mean?” to know who the hell she’s talking about.
Let's do away with pop songs where a girl nods yes when she means no and vice versa, k?
— Lena Dunham (@lenadunham) August 31, 2015
Lena also played coy on Instagram.
Of course, Lena opened up a can of rage and the Beliebers are pounding their keyboards to death while going after her on Twitter. I scanned her mentions and a huge chunk of Beliebers told Lena to shut her mouth and mentioned what she wrote about her sister in her book.
Damn everybody involved in this. If the Biebs never shat up that song, Lena Dunham would’ve never tweeted that tweet. If Lena Dunham never tweeted that tweet, I wouldn’t have had to kind-of-sort-of defended Justin Bieber. Damn them all!
You can always count on Justin Bieber to give us a Photoshop perfect picture that’s just itching for Usher to be slipped into.
Judging by that picture above, you may be thinking that the Biebs suffered from a severe case of constipation last night and was scared that it would mess with his potty training classes (he’s come so far!), but he wasn’t suffering from the hard shits. After performing during the MTV VMAs, the Biebs bent over and got so emotional. Anybody who sat through his performance cried with him, because they couldn’t believe that they hate themselves enough to sit through that whole thing.
But seriously, the Biebs recreated The Difficult Brown’s “crocodile tears of a d-bag” act, because it’s the perfect way to end his douche redemption tour. Justin was also touched by his own brilliance, his amazing skills in that bootleg Pink acrobat bit, his fortune cookie monologue and his impeccable dancing, which was very “toddler who really has to take a piss while playing Dance Dance Revolution.” Click to the end if you want to see Justin Bieber transform into a real-life Tender Tears Baby Doll.
— MTV (@MTV) August 31, 2015
Justin also released the video for his new song “What Do You Mean?” last night and I made it about 90 seconds in before I stopped watching. I don’t want to get a visit from the FBI because I watched Justin Bieber hump on some model.
And here’s Justin Bieber working his new wave guinea pig hairstyle last night. He probably thinks he’s giving us Leonardo DiCaprio in the 90s, but he’s really giving us Kate Gosselin if Kate Gosselin was an assistant manager at Urban Outfitters. That hairstyle is also dangerously close to making him look like he’s about to go into an Apple store to scream about how AppleCare told him that he could walk into the store and get the part.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
No, that’s not the skateboard ramp in question; that’s just the one Justin Bieber helped build in his backyard with the set of Cool Tools that Santa gave him for Christmas.
TMZ says that Canada’s perpetual bratty 6th grader pulled a bit of a brat move recently. Justin was supposed to make an appearance at Montreal’s Beachclub (you know, the same place Kylie Jenner celebrated her 18th birthday) today, but he changed his mind. Sources say Justin decided to bail because the promoter only paid half his allowance. According to the contract he signed, Justin would get half his appearance fee up front and the other half two days before the event. Well, two days before came and went, and his piggy bank never saw the rest of the money, so he crossed his arms and told them to find another marginally-talented toddler.
Here’s where the bratty part comes in. TMZ says Beachclub built a $20,000 custom floating skateboard ramp just for Justin Bieber’s appearance. No word on whether or not it was Justin’s idea, but I can’t see why anyone would sink $20,000 into a floating pile of plywood unless some spoiled asshole pulled a Veruca Salt and demanded they do it.
Justin’s people say they gave the promoter a second chance to hand over the money, but it never happened. The promoter has since gone MIA. A rep for Beachclub tells TMZ:
“We are incredibly disappointed and upset by the lack of professionalism exhibited by Team Productions (the event’s promoter) in violating their contract with Justin Bieber and disappointing the thousands of fans that were going to flock to Beachclub today.”
“Oh, don’t worry – we’re not disappointed” said everyone at Beachclub today.
I do feel a little bad for Beachclub, though. They spent all that money, and Justin Bieber never got to use their skate ramp. Maybe if they want to recoup some of that cash, they could sell that floating curved barge to Jon Hamm. I’m sure The Hammaconda has always wondered what it would be like to go swimming without sinking straight to the bottom.
I don’t know what’s giving me the creeps more: Justin Bieber’s “fuck me” face on the right, or his naughty “look who found a secret box of superhero costumes in the back of Mommy’s closet” stare on the left. You’re right, definitely BOTH. Let’s move on, I feel nauseous.
The 21-year-old patch of ratty hair growing on humanity’s upper lip was recently interviewed for Interview magazine by Martha Stewart (Martha, NO!), and once again
his PR team he’s reminding you that he’s not nearly as much of a useless little turd as he seems. Despite the fact that he became a full-time pop star at the age of 13, and that many of the life decisions he’s made in the past several years are similar to that of your dumbass high school dropout cousin, Justin Bieber claims he graduated high school. Not only that, Justin told Martha that he graduated with a 4.0 GPA. Uh huh.
Obviously the cynical bitch in me believes the only graduating Justin Bieber has ever done is from diapers to big boy pants, on account of all of his homework time being taken up by drag racing and smoking weed. But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and say he did graduate high school. I’m still side-eyeing that “4.0 GPA” business pretty hard. Case in point:
sunday comes after saturday? weird
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) March 19, 2011
He can’t even understand the days of the week. Either he completed the same not-school high school program as Jaden and Willow Smith, or he got that 4.0 by slipping 4.0 million dollars into his homeschool teacher’s checking account. Regardless, that smart 4.0 brain of his was clearly no match for Martha and her shade A-game:
“I have a picture of the three of us. Your mom’s in the middle, and you look about 10 years old, but you must’ve been 16 or 17 because that’s only about four years ago.”
Here’s more of Justin looking like a decoy for an American Horror Story cross-over episode of To Catch A Predator.
Last week, Justin Bieber nearly put the Coppertone Baby out of a job when a picture of his bare bum bum made an appearance on Instagram. Well, it looks like Justin Bieber has decided that four days of terrorizing humanity’s gag reflex with a picture of his naked butt was long enough, because on Saturday he deleted it and replaced it with the picture above and the following explanation:
“Hey I Deleted the photo of my butt on Instagram not because I thought it was bad but someone close to me’s daughter follows me and she was embarrassed that she saw my butt and I totally wasn’t thinking in that aspect. And I felt awful that she felt bad. To anyone I may have offended I’m so sorry. It was completely pure hearted as a joke but didn’t take in account there are littles following me!!! Love u guys”
Translation: “I got in major shit from my image rebranding team and now I’m in a two-week time out.”
I hope Justin Bieber has learned a lesson from all of this. The lesson, of course, being that he should totally hire that little girl who called him out on being an embarrassment as his life adviser. He truly needs someone to inform him of how embarrassing he is being at any given moment, and what better person than someone close to his own mental age?