“Are you there God? It’s me, your greatest creation-shit, straight to voicemail again, yo!”
With help from a bunch of dancers wearing what looks like hospital gowns designed by Yeezy, Justin Bieber performed on the Billboard Music Awards, and he also won Top Male Artist. (“Top? Blehehehehe,” laughed Usher.) But even though Justin Bieber got a brand, new shiny award, he left the Billboard Music Awards feeling all empty inside. Today, the Biebs sharted up a “Dear Diary” entry on Instagram about award shows and it seems like he just realized 3 things that most of us have known forever:
- Award shows are pretty meaningless and are mainly just fluffy entertainment for those of us who need a reason to booze it up at home on a Sunday.
- Many tricks in the audience at an awards show are there because they’re a camera whore. (And because there’s an open bar involved, but mostly because they’re a camera whore.)
- Those of us who watch at home grade, judge and rate every performance.
The Biebs just figured this out and it has hit him hard. It’s as if he just found out that Santy Claus is not a real thing. (Note to The Biebs’ parents: Wait until next Christmas to tell him the truth about Santy. He’s already been through enough this year.) The Biebs “Deep Thoughts” message is after the cut, and he pasted it under a picture of the Rock of Cashel Castle, because again, he deep.
Sorry, Argentina. I’m sure you really wanted to see Justin Bieber’s “I need to make pee pee” dance moves, but it’s not going to happen any time soon. Earlier today, Joel Osteen Jr. took advantage of Tim Horton’s generous free WiFi to tweet a tour update. The South American dates for Bieber’s Purpose World Tour haven’t been announced yet. But according to Justin, it doesn’t matter how many people scream “COME TO BRAZIL’S NEIGHBOR!” at him on Instagram, his lawyers have recently told him that he won’t be going to Argentina.
In other Canadian news, Justin Bieber is continuing to lose his mind. Sorry, I mean find himself, define his boundaries, discover himself… or something like that. I’ve got to hand it to him, he’s doing an amazing job playing the part of the out of control child star. He’s hitting all the right notes: temper tantrums, edgy hairstyles, a face tattoo! We now find ourselves at the part of the story where religion and spirituality get dragged into it.
The last time we checked in with Justin, he had put up a note on Instagram saying he is no longer taking photos with fans. Now TMZ is reporting that according to some source type, Justin is not in fact heading to a padded cell, he’s just super into God and nature. I feel for God. She – Yes! She! It’s 2016! – is always having the worst of the worst implicate her in their nonsense. If I had a dollar for every time she’s said, “Don’t look at me! I have nothing to do with this,” I’d be a very rich man.
Justin was recently seen doing his best Eddie Murphy in Holy Man impression when he was spotted walking around Boston barefoot and sitting in a tree. He was by himself and tried to make friends with a squirrel and generally commune with nature. TMZ is saying that he’s shifting because his Purpose tour has rattled his brain and left him needing to center himself with, I imagine, a lot of saying “namaste” and shambhala bracelets. Emphasis on the sham. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll take this all the way and move to a Tibetan monastery and take a vow of silence.
Justin Bieber won’t take pictures with his crazed fans who paid a giant chunk of money to do so after his shows, so of course he’s going to stop taking pictures with them for free. The Biebs announced on Instagram today that he feels like an animal trapped in a zoo and he will no longer grace his fans’ iPhone cameras with his face. He is done. Meanwhile at the Bowmanville Zoo in Toronto, that poor tiger is lying in its cage and thinking to itself, “Stupid douche, now you know how my ass feels!”
That little speck next to Justin Bieber’s eye isn’t a mole, or a tick thirsty for his douche blood or a tiny splatter of caca that ended up on his face while his au pair changed his diaper. It’s his newest unholy work of tattoo art.
The Biebs posted that Emo picture on his Instagram last night, and since his crazed followers have memorized everything about him, they instantly spotted that new drop of ink on his mug. UsWeekly says that Justin added a new tattoo to his collection of ink art, which includes that sassy Jesus tattoo and his fapping knight tattoo. The source says that on Friday night, the Biebs and Joe Termini, the Jimbo Jones to his Nelson Muntz, got matching cross tattoo just below their eyes at the West 4th Tattoo Parlor in NYC.
That thing is so tiny, and I would make a joke about how that’s probably what Selena Gomez said the first time they got naked, but sadly, my eyeballs know that’s not true. But really, if you’re going to get a face tattoo, get a face tattoo. Don’t half-ass that shit. Go full Gucci Mane. That tiny cross tattoo just makes him look like a cholo altar boy. I bet that tiny cross tattoo wasn’t his first choice. I bet that he really wanted to show everyone how much of a badass he is by getting a teardrop tattoo, but even he knows he hasn’t earned one yet. Don’t worry, Biebs, when you get a perfect score on the Whac-A-Mole game at Boomer’s, you’ll be able to get that teardrop tattoo. Because you’ll officially be the most ruthless and hardest toddler at the arcade.
And here’s Biebs looking a mess in NYC on Friday night.
No, you’re not looking at a picture of your 12-year-old cousin Jayden after he stole a beer bottle out of the recycling bin and snuck up to his room with his mom’s old iPhone to take bad boy selfies. It’s Justin Bieber, and if you can imagine, this story involves him doing something far brattier with a beer and a cellphone. And it might end up forcing him to break open his piggy bank and hand over $100,000.
TMZ says that a man named Robert Earl Morgan has accused Justin Bieber of wrecking his phone at a club in Houston, TX last month. According to the lawsuit, Justin was clearly all excited to be staying up way past his bedtime, because he was acting like a hyperactive nuisance. After he put out a cigarette on his friend’s arm, he allegedly grabbed a beer bong and tried to chug it. Unfortunately, most of the beer ended up all over his face and shirt. Robert had his phone out and was recording the whole thing, which is nice, because who wouldn’t want a video of their first beer bong? Not Justin, apparently. Robert alleges that once Bieber realized he was being filmed, he grabbed Robert’s cellphone and smashed it.
Robert wants more than just a new phone from Justin. Robert wants money, and lots of it. According to Robert, his phone was worth more than a couple hundred dollars. He claims he never got his SIM card back, and it contained pictures from his grandma’s 100th birthday and 5000 pictures from traveling. He also says it contained a bunch of business contacts, losing which have fucked him over, work-wise. He’s suing for up to $100,000.
Justin’s people haven’t said anything about this situation. However, when asked for comment, the tiger that was forced to hang out with Justin Bieber and his dad last weekend said: “He smashed the phone? So there’s no photographic proof that it happened? God, why didn’t I think of that. I’m still too embarrassed to show my face around the other tigers.”
Everyone must’ve kept heir vagines bare last night and didn’t wear chonies, because as soon as the Met Gala co-chair Idris Elba hit the carpet, panties should’ve dropped like Carly Fiorina introducing our “next president” Ted Cruz. Either that or all of those famous assholes were too stuck on themselves to notice hotness on the carpet.
Idris led the Hot Dudes in Tuxes parade, which included Alexander Skarsgard, Rami Malek, Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones, Tom Hiddleston, Paul Rudd, Jack Huston and Colin Farrell, who looks like he actually let someone spray the layers of grease off of his body with a garden hose. None of those dudes really played with the theme. I wish that at least one of those tricks took a page out of Madge’s thirsty ass playbook by wearing something like this:
Elegant, demure and totally ON THEME!
Believe it or not, those hideous ass tulip hem jeans from the shitty bowels of the 90s aren’t the most offensive thing in that picture.
Justin Bieber’s dried drop of dick discharge of a daddy Jeremy Bieber (not to be confused with his other daddy Usher) and his fiancee Chelsea Rebelo threw an engagement party at a mansion in Toronto on Saturday, and the whole thing was as tacky as you’d expect. The engagement party was also supposed to be an “art show,” and it should’ve been called “Douches On Display,” but the show was called “Nyotaimori Celebrating Life Love And Art” instead. There was a Batmobile and people in superhero costumes, and the douche-induced rash clinging to the inside of humanity’s vagina performed for guests. You would think that forcing guests to listen to Justin Bieber would be the biggest act of cruelty to happen at that party, but it wasn’t.
Somewhere out there, Ghouliana Rancic is cackling and saying, “I may not have won the war, but this battle is mine!” And while I hate to side with her, I will gladly share in her joy today. The toddler that just won’t go to his room no matter how many time you scream “TIME OUT!“, Justin Bieber, made eyes roll and nearly get stuck up there when he stepped up his bad boy game by getting dreads. Well, the world is a little less douchey today because he shaved them off.
The two lab creations, Kendall and Kylie Jenner, are the ultimate goal for all the poor, unfortunate, empty headed youngins’ out there who stare into the Instagram abyss and long to be… FAMOUS. So naturally, companies are snatching them up left, right and center to plug their shit. Kendall is the Fashion Barbie of the two, so she’s got the magazines and billboards, like Calvin Klein. But Calvin Klein, the man, is not interested or impressed by her or the ads.