I don’t know what’s giving me the creeps more: Justin Bieber’s “fuck me” face on the right, or his naughty “look who found a secret box of superhero costumes in the back of Mommy’s closet” stare on the left. You’re right, definitely BOTH. Let’s move on, I feel nauseous.
The 21-year-old patch of ratty hair growing on humanity’s upper lip was recently interviewed for Interview magazine by Martha Stewart (Martha, NO!), and once again
his PR team he’s reminding you that he’s not nearly as much of a useless little turd as he seems. Despite the fact that he became a full-time pop star at the age of 13, and that many of the life decisions he’s made in the past several years are similar to that of your dumbass high school dropout cousin, Justin Bieber claims he graduated high school. Not only that, Justin told Martha that he graduated with a 4.0 GPA. Uh huh.
Obviously the cynical bitch in me believes the only graduating Justin Bieber has ever done is from diapers to big boy pants, on account of all of his homework time being taken up by drag racing and smoking weed. But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and say he did graduate high school. I’m still side-eyeing that “4.0 GPA” business pretty hard. Case in point:
sunday comes after saturday? weird
— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) March 19, 2011
He can’t even understand the days of the week. Either he completed the same not-school high school program as Jaden and Willow Smith, or he got that 4.0 by slipping 4.0 million dollars into his homeschool teacher’s checking account. Regardless, that smart 4.0 brain of his was clearly no match for Martha and her shade A-game:
“I have a picture of the three of us. Your mom’s in the middle, and you look about 10 years old, but you must’ve been 16 or 17 because that’s only about four years ago.”
Here’s more of Justin looking like a decoy for an American Horror Story cross-over episode of To Catch A Predator.
Last week, Justin Bieber nearly put the Coppertone Baby out of a job when a picture of his bare bum bum made an appearance on Instagram. Well, it looks like Justin Bieber has decided that four days of terrorizing humanity’s gag reflex with a picture of his naked butt was long enough, because on Saturday he deleted it and replaced it with the picture above and the following explanation:
“Hey I Deleted the photo of my butt on Instagram not because I thought it was bad but someone close to me’s daughter follows me and she was embarrassed that she saw my butt and I totally wasn’t thinking in that aspect. And I felt awful that she felt bad. To anyone I may have offended I’m so sorry. It was completely pure hearted as a joke but didn’t take in account there are littles following me!!! Love u guys”
Translation: “I got in major shit from my image rebranding team and now I’m in a two-week time out.”
I hope Justin Bieber has learned a lesson from all of this. The lesson, of course, being that he should totally hire that little girl who called him out on being an embarrassment as his life adviser. He truly needs someone to inform him of how embarrassing he is being at any given moment, and what better person than someone close to his own mental age?
And apologies if you wanted to miss this.
Because I have wonderful timing, I’m following up a post about a child porn investigation with a picture of Justin Bieber flashing his Baby Alive ass cheeks on Instagram. The Biebs must have been sick and tired of watching Chelsea Handler and Chrissy Teigen get all the attention for putting their parts on display on Instagram, because last night he made all the crazed Beliebers scream, “I’ve got the maple syrup,” when he posted a picture of his bare Canadian pancakes on a yacht somewhere. That picture is a cross between a still out of a gay porn parody of Lost and a still out of a gay porn parody of Fantasy Island starring that tattooed twink as Tattoo. If that mountain had a mouth it would be laughing. Or maybe it’s a Belieber and if that’s the case, its nasty ass would be drooling.
Like with most things, I consulted my life adviser and spiritual guide Jackée Harry after seeing this picture last night. I checked her Twitter to see her thoughts about the Biebs’ hairless beaver ass. I immediately searched for a SideEyeFromMary.GIF to throw at her when I read this tweet from her: “@justinbieber looks FYNE, doesn’t he?! But wait.. #AgeCheck.” The thirst is a very real epidemic when Sandra is licking her lips over Justin Bieber’s ass.
If your eyeballs really need a serving of the Biebs’ butt, the un-Usher’d pic is after the cut. As always, the Biebs’ sassy Jesus calf tattoo says it all. I’m really disappointed that nobody pushed the Biebs into that ocean when they had the chance.
Ruby Rose, the hot Australian chick from Orange is the New Black that the internet is flooding their basements over, recently admitted to Vanity Fair that she often gets mistaken for Justin Bieber. If someone ever came up to me and said the words, “Aren’t you Justin Bieber?“, I’d run home, lock myself in the bathroom, and cry for three weeks. But not Ruby. Ruby clearly doesn’t seem to mind, because this weekend she decided to hang out with her lil’ lookalike.
After tweeting back and forth, Ruby and Justin decided to meet up on Friday at what appears to be some kind of hat appreciation club. Personally, I’m not sure if I really see the twins thing. Sure, they have things in common, like tattoos and a flawless foundation game, but that’s about it. I’m really getting more of a Cooler and Whopper from the Pound Puppies vibe between these two. Just a little kid hanging out with his cool older cousin. Here’s another look at Ruby and her Mini-Me:
I bet shortly after this photo was taken, Justin changed into a white tank and a red hat and was like “Look Ruby, same like you! Right? Do you like my tattoos?” It’s so nice that Justin has someone to look up to. And it’s really nice that Ruby volunteered to hang out with him, since I’m sure no one else would want to spend more than 3 minutes with that little douche.
Here’s Justin looking like he took some hair styling advice from his new mentor while out shopping last week. “Did you see my hair Ruby? Same like you!”
Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com
I like to think that’s also the same face Drake made when he discovered that Justin Bieber had just called him “Daddy.”
Yesterday, Drake posted the latest in his ongoing series of thirsty Instagram shirtless selfies – you know, to remind us that Wheelchair Jimmy is buff now. One of the comments he received on his new hot bawday was from fellow Canadian and child who really shouldn’t be trolling Instagram accounts without the supervision of a parent Justin Bieber. Shortly after Drake posted the picture above with the caption “Pree show“, which sounds like something Kim Kardashian would be interested in if you removed one letter, Justin Bieber grabbed his Hipstreet PlayPal and let Drake know what he thought (via ONTD):
I don’t know if Justin Bieber knew what he was writing when typed the words “damn daddy“, but I’m going to assume that it’s not what we think. Little kids get confused all the time and sometimes mistake other grown ups for their parents. You know, like when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” in the 1st grade (just me? okay).
But if he did know it was Drake and he did mean to call him daddy, that would make sense too. Justin is 21 years old, but he looks like a forever-young juvenile delinquent forest elf. So even though Drake is only 28 years old, he’s still technically old enough for someone like Justin to call him daddy.
Here’s Drake’s number one Instagram fan looking like Jimbo Jones’ baby brother while getting juice in Beverly Hills with his bodyguard yesterday.
Because Justin Bieber is basically the rich kid equivalent to a lazy 10-year-old who takes forever to clean his room, the fact that he hasn’t had a concert in two years should be surprising to absolutely no one. I’m sure Scooter Braun practically had to drag him the whole way there while Justin whined, “Noooooo, I don’t wanna! I got obnoxious rich kid stuff to do!” But by some miracle, Justin Bieber turned off his LeapPad, put down his sippy cup of Smirnoff Ice, and put on a Tiny Talent Time show at KIIS FM’s Wango Tango 2015 on Saturday night.
According to TMZ, Justin went on stage around 8:30pm (awwww, somebody got to stay up past his bedtime!) and Kanye West closed the show. I don’t know who I feel worse for: Kanye for having to share a stage with Lil’ Vanilla Ice, or the audience for having to sit through a double dose of douche. Actually, maybe not Kanye; sure he had to share at stage with Justin, but at least Justin never called his ass out for not writing his own songs, like some blonde pretty-in-the-face types did last week. Either way, I’m sure when he heard Justin was opening for him, his face did one of these.
Speaking of that audience, TMZ says that somewhere slithering among the masses was Pimp Mama Kris – who, thanks to all the Botox that has leeched into her brain, probably got Wango Tango confused with Cabo Wabo and was sad there were no all-you-can-chug Waboritas – and Justin’s maybe girlfriend Hailey Baldwin.
But Justin didn’t spend the whole weekend struggling to remember the choreography to “Boyfriend”; he also gave a shout out to the lady who made him on Instagram by posting a picture of his mom with the caption:
“If it wasn’t for this woman lets just say I would have had a way LONGER stupid phase. I love u and thank u for not giving up on me”
“Of course I’d never give up on you, money…I mean, honey” replied Justin’s mom.
Here’s more of Justin looking, as always, like a possessed Rollerblade Dude doll going through a grunge phase on Saturday night:
Since the theme of this year’s Met Gala was basically China? followed by a shrug, Emma Roberts decided the vaguely Chinese elements of her outfit would be a dragon purse that totally reminds me of the seat covers in my high school boyfriend’s car and a pair of chopsticks in her hair. Unfortunately, the internet had a problem with the chopsticks. People says that shortly after Emma posted a picture of her Met Gala hair to Instagram, several people started swatting at her for cultural appropriation. “Uh oh” just whispered every 13-year-old girl from 2002.
People says that none of the comments seemed to stay for very long, but plenty of people on Twitter picked up where Instagram left off. Emma got the message, and she yanked the chopsticks out of her hair before she stepped on the red carpet.
I’d say it was probably a good movie on Emma Roberts’ part to ditch the chopsticks, for two reasons. One, because the last thing you want when you show up to the Met Gala is for those stuck-up bitches on the red carpet to throw you a “Really? Chopsticks? How predictable” eye roll. And two, because everybody knows if you’re going to reuse a popular hair accessory from the early 2000s, it should really be one of those scrunchies made of fake hair.
Here’s a sans-chopsticks Emma arriving at the Met Gala last night, as well as a bunch of other young types. Speaking of things in hair, Selena Gomez put 12lbs of flowers in hers, Zendaya wore a crown, and Justin Bieber showed up with a whole bottle of L’Oreal Kids No More Tangles gel in his.
This isn’t a picture of Justin Bieber celebrating after he beat all the other kindergarteners to the My Size Krystal Princess doll at free play time; it’s actually Justin Bieber crashing the Chatsworth High School prom on Saturday night. Bieber never got to go to his prom, because he was too busy click-clacking and making that money for Scooter Braun, so Chatsworth allowed him to crash theirs. Oooh, what a badass! Nothing says hardcore troublemaker like asking permission from the school before you crash their prom. What’s next? Asking mommy first before you give someone the middle finger? “As long as I get a cheque every month with a couple zeros on it, I don’t give a honk what you do” hollered Pattie Mallette from her solid gold hot tub.
If you’ve ever wanted to see what it would look like if the filmmakers who released the Bigfoot tape also released grainy footage of Bigfoot’s douchebaggy preteen son, then you’re in luck; several students captured Justin’s surprise appearance on video, and they’re about as good as you’d expect video taken in a dark room by a hyper teen would look.
What the fuck is that outfit even though? Come on, Justin – if you’re going to crash a prom, at least pull a Joey Jeremiah and wear a tuxedo t-shirt. Have some respect – it’s the prom!
I can barely remember my prom, on account of the 8 layers of dollar store hairspray I had applied to my hornet’s next (I cannot with a good conscience call what it was a beehive), but I do remember that it made me feel classy as shit and totally grown up. I was like, beep beep, out of my way, I’m grown now; this stop prom, next stop, jury duty and back pills. So I bet Justin thinks he’s a man now, and I’m sure he’ll find a way to bring that up the next time the Justin Bieber Apology Tour hits the Ellen show. “I just want you to know I’m a different person. I went to the prom. The prom is for big boys. I’m officially a big boy now.”
And speaking of blurry, here are some super hi-res pics of JB waving bye-bye and drinking from his sippy cup at LAX yesterday.
Rhoda in The Bad Seed.. Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son…. Damien in The Omen… That corn field wisher in The Twilight Zone… And now you can add Ariana Grand Latte’s name to the list of evil children with hearts made of ice.
When Ariana Grande Latte isn’t powering up her energy bars of evil by picturing her fans dying a slow, painful death, she’s chewing grown men up and spitting them out like Gerber chicken and gravy baby food, which is just gross to her. She’s much more of a Gerber banana strawberry kind of baby. Playgrounds were filled with tears and WHYs a few days ago when Ariana and Big Sean dramatically announced that they are done with each other after 8 long months together. Everyone (aka no one) wondered what could’ve possibly gone wrong between junior high school’s answer to Diddy and JLo?! We FINALLY have answers.
A source (read: Big Sean’s pool noodle dick, because you know that bitch has a big mouth) tells TMZ that it was all Ariana’s fault. Big Sean is currently tagging the words “ARIANA IS AN EVIL BITCH” into the wall of the boys bathroom closest to the gym, because she really gave him the owwies in the heart area. The source says that these are the 3 things that led to the break-up of the century:
1. Big Sean did a show the night before the Grammys last February and it was the biggest night of his career and everyone (including JLo, the Biebs, The Difficult Brown, etc…) was there except for Ariana. She had to study for a geometry exam, or something. No, her excuse was that she had to prepare herself for the Grammys.
2. Big Sean went to see Ariana, like, all the time. He counted and everything. He went to see her 10 more times than she went to see him. Cold, right? Ariana even told him to spend tens of thousands of dollars on taking a private jet to see her. Sean grew up poor and doesn’t like wasting money. He always thought it was real “immature” of Ariana to make demands like that.
3. Big Sean thinks that Ariana is so evil and mean that she purposefully orchestrated that onstage cuddle session with Justin Bieber to piss him off.
What a bitch! I knew Ariana was extra shady when she called out Ruby’s cankles and split ends in front of everyone in third period. I wish it was Valentine’s Day again so that I could send Big Sean an anonymous candy gram to make him feel better. Sending him a candy gram would be a nice change from sending myself candy grams. Did I just say that out loud?
If you’ve ever wondered how douchey you have to be to get kicked out of Coachella. The answer is: Justin Bieber levels of douche.
Seen above making Usher jealous by getting into some kinky More Than Fifty Shades of Douche shit with fellow asshole The Difficult Brown (Note: But Usher shouldn’t be jealous, because that’s how Chris Brown greets everyone.), Justin Bieber was allegedly put in a chokehold by a Coachella security guard while trying to get backstage for Drake’s set. TMZ says that before Madge powered up her energy bars by sucking out Drake’s insides, Justin Bieber and his entourage tried to get backstage but were stopped by a security guard who denied entry to the possessed Baby Alive doll. The security guard told the Biebs that backstage was at capacity. When the Biebs and his entourage showed their VIP wristbands, the security guard still wasn’t having it and shut that bitch down for a second time.