Justin Bieber, the creature you’d get if scientists cross-polinated Kevin McCallister with his asshole older brother Buzz, decided he was done looking like the dirtiest dirtbag in the 7th grade and finally shaved off those disgusting 15 or so hairs that were living on his upper lip. Thank you, Justin Bieber! I no longer have to worry about opening up the internet and seeing pictures of that awful stomach-churning sun-bleached facial hair, which means I can finally stop working with a barf bag beside my computer. #blessed
Justin proved he’s the baddest ass on the playground by Instagramming a video of himself getting to use daddy’s shave cream and a totally-real grown-up razor (not the pretend one that came in his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles play shave kit) to prove that, yeah, he’s a big boy who shaves his face now. “And guess what? Scooter Braun promised me that later this afternoon he’ll take me to Walgreens and I can pick out a deodorant. U jealous??”
I know Justin and his Joe Dirt Jr. facial hair had a special bond and all, but it really was time to let it go, especially since it doesn’t really fit in with Justin’s new high-class club manager lifestyle. Radar says Justin just rented a home in Los Angeles, but he doesn’t plan on ever moving in his Little Tikes sports car bed or any of his Transformers; he’s using it to get drunk and throw parties. The $29,000/month home has 10 bedrooms, pool, spa, gym, and a night club. The owner of the home tried to sell it, but when nobody bought it, they started renting it out for shows like American Idol and Playboy TV’s Swing (so you know it’s classy as shit).
Anyways, here’s a post-shave Justin Bieber looking like he’s auditioning for the role of Dani Campbell in a Lifetime biopic about Tila Tequila.
No, you’re not looking at a baby chipmunk searching for acorns hidden under the hat of a come-to-life Cherry Merry Muffin doll (you’re right; he is really more of a Banancy). It’s actually a picture of human messy hangover shit Justin Bieber and toddler-faced bad decision maker Selena Gomez acting like a set of dumb delinquent babies at a bible study on Wednesday night. Yes, apparently they have bible study for children now. If I had to guess, it’s probably shit like “A is for Apple, the fruit given to Eve by a snake. B is for Baby, born in a manger. Can you find baby Jesus sleeping in the manger? Very good!” followed by a couple episodes of Veggie Tales.
According to The Mirror (via Daily Mail), Justin and his on-again/off-again girlfriend arrived late to the bible study at City Church in Los Angeles on Wednesday night, because they had to get all their pre-teen hornies out first. Justin Instagrammed (then quickly deleted) a picture of he and Selena looking like they’re auditioning for a shitty remake of The Bodyguard before joining everyone else in the church, and a source claims that once they finally made it inside:
“The pair sat next to each other while partaking in Bible study and seemed very close. They then left together in Bieber’s car. Justin looked really comfortable with Selena as he still thinks their bond is unbreakable and knows that Selena will always love him.”
Selena Gomez doesn’t need a bible study, she needs a damn exorcism! If that toddler-faced trick has crawled back to Rosemary’s spoiled asshole baby, then we’re going to need an old priest, a young priest, and a priest familiar with spoiled demon brat dickmatization! It might not be too late to save her before she starts muttering nonsense (“I love that thin patchy dirt ‘stache of yours, Justin!”) and crawling down the stairs backwards.
Pic: Daily Mail (via Instagram)
Oh Shit, Does This Mean That Sinead O’Connor Is Going To Write A Million Open Letters To Justin Bieber?
Last year, difficult brown crusader Sinead O’Connor put on her Captain-Save-A-Ho hat and tried to “rescue” the horny chipmunk lizard Miley Cyrus from the evil pimp record executives who were slutting her out and pulling her strings to make her twerk on Robin Thicke’s ass and thrust her suffocating crotch in everyone’s faces. It didn’t work. Miley called Sinead “crazy” and Sinead went full crazy by shooting out a river of a whoreophobic open letters to Miley. Well, Sinead is back and during an interview with Magic FM (via Contact Music), she said that not only are girls being sexed up to sell records. Sinead said that it’s happening to the boys too and she brought up Justin Bieber’s name. I can’t wait to see what kind of shit-embedded jewels the Sinead vs. the Beliebers Twitter war will bring.
“I think that people focus an awful lot on the female aspect to this, but it is also the males. The very young male artists who are practically children or look like children are also being sexualized. Justin Bieber is a great example. When he came along he was only 16 years of age. Obviously he was extraordinarily talented, so I’m not trying to negate that, but he was very much being sold on his sexuality.
Britney Spears, of course was quite inappropriately young to be sold in that way, dressed up in a school uniform. But I think that really people forget that the guys are going through it as well, and I think that is quite important.What concerns me is that the audience of these artists are children themselves. The children are being sexualized too early and both the male and female sense of worth is focused on the way they look and whether or not they are attractive to the opposite sex.”
If Sinead wants people to take her words seriously and not throw her a “Um, are you okay, bitch?” side-eye, she should probably stay away from saying insane things like, “Justin Bieber is extraordinarily talented.”
When the destructive viral strain known was Justin Bieber was first exposed to the world, I thought his people marketed him as a come-to-life Precious Moments figurine who was as pure as a virgin angel’s twat. I don’t know if they sexualized him, but let’s go with it anyway. Let’s say that Usher, Scooter Braun and Justin Bieber’s douche parents sexualized a singing toddler to make that money. Chris Hansen needs to tell them all to have a seat and they need to pay for their crimes. Throw them on Death Row, burn all of the Biebs’ music and confiscate all the money that was made from sexualizing a baby. You know, Sinead might be on to something.
Here’s some pictures that I missed from earlier this year of Sinead posing with popcorn at a movie premiere in Dublin while dressed like a mobster’s mistress at a funeral.
One is an inspirational activist who kept fighting for every girl’s right to an education in Pakistan even after the Taliban tried to assassinate her. The other is an oozing rash on humanity’s ballsack who regularly terrorizes ear drums with his music and picked a fight with the most beautiful lady elf of the Woodland Realm. And because the world has to keep showing us that “fuckery” is alive and well, the two spent a few minutes together on the Internet.
The NYDN says that Justin Bieber’s people set up a FaceTime meeting with Malala Yousafzai, because he could really use some good PR and his first choice, Anne Frank, wasn’t available for a FaceTime session for some reason. The Biebs posted a picture from his and Malala’s FaceTime conversation on Instagram and said that he can’t wait to meet her in person to talk about how he can help her foundation.
As you can tell from the “POSTED JUSTINS NUDES” comment, the Beliebers are really interested in Malala’s story and I’m sure they showed their support for her by tweeting her words like: “U n dat alice fRanklin gurl betta sty uhway frm mi MAN or ill beet uz both!!!!!”
And what’s really surprising is that Malala was able to stare at Justin Bieber’s smug twat fart of a face for that long and didn’t punch her screen once. Somebody give her deityhood already. Her compassion knows no bounds!
File this in the empty dust-collecting folder marked: “Justin Bieber‘s useful contributions to society”. According to the Croatian Times (via TMZ), a 42-year-old man named Igor Vorozhbitsyn (hot name, hotter if he ever goes by “Bitsy”) had just parked his car and was heading to his favourite fishing spot in northern Russia’s Yakutia Republic when an angry bear jumped him from behind and started mauling his ass. Igor was sure that Not-So-Gentle Ben was about to send him on a one-way trip to the afterlife, but then his cellphone rang. Igor says the ringtone – Justin Bieber’s “Baby” – upset the bear so much that he took off:
“I couldn’t believe my luck when the phone went off and he fled. I know that sort of ringtone isn’t to everyone’s taste but my granddaughter loaded it onto my phone for a joke.”
“Damn, Dedushka, why you gotta play me like that? I never touched your phone” - Igor’s granddaughter, assuming she even exists, WHICH SHE TOTALLY DOESN’T (I’m on to you Bitsy, you lie-telling Bieber-loving Pepaw Judas).
I thought that humans were the only species who hear Justin Bieber’s voice and start clawing at their ears, but it looks like we can add bears to that list as well. That poor bear; I bet the second “Baby” hit his tiny ear holes, he ran back into the woods, screamed for his wife and kids to stop wiping their asses with toilet paper and grab him a sharp pine cone or a porcupine so he could stab out his eardrums, and when they couldn’t find anything, he begged them to find the hunter that took out Bambi’s mom.
And now I’m really confused, because I thought a bear would be into a twink like Justin Bieber?
Never has a picture so accurately summed-up the caliber of trash you get in Ibiza. The Board of Tourism should seriously consider changing their slogan from whatever it is now (which I’m guessing is either “What Happens in Ibiza Stays Itchy Till You Get It Treated” or “Ibiza: It’s Terrible”) to “Ibiza is for Trash Lovers”, and they can use this picture of Justin Bieber on his way to dinner last night. Yes, this is what Justin Bieber wore to dinner, and no, dinner wasn’t served in a shady club off a $10 hooker’s ass (Kim Kardashian was already booked for the night).
But back to Justin’s ass (five words I hope to never, ever type again for the rest of my life). Justin probably saw those pictures of his ex-girlfriend with her boneless skinless chicken breasts falling out of a pair of cut-offs and gotten jealous (“Two can play at this game, bitch!”), because why else would he show up to dinner with his panty-draped booty balls on full display? And why did I all of a sudden get a craving for Hopi grey squash?
And normally that vain little bitch would be more than excited to show off a face full of expertly-applied foundation and bat those little Diorshow-covered eyelashes, but for some reason he arrived with a a towel covering his pretty visage. I bet it was to make sure all eyes were on his ass. Look at the little guy – so proud that he was able to go all day without making a doody in his big boy pants. Okay, we all saw Justin; you can pull up your pants now.
I should’ve warned you in the headline to protect your monitor with Saran Wrap before lowering your innocent eyeballs to that picture, because most of your screen is probably covered with bile. Although, your bile is a lot more attractive than that picture of Satan’s proudest creations. Seen above looking like Hell’s answer to Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi, the ball of crusted milk stuck in humanity’s nipple slit known as Justin Bieber and Pimp Mama Kris joined unholy forces to take this picture at the birthday part of Kanye West’s boo Riccardo Tisci in Ibiza last night. The Biebs really wanted to push your hangover over the edge and into a pool of boiling barf by adding the note: “@kendalljenner @kyliejenner who’s your daddy.” The thought of the Biebs creating a dusty cloud of death dust by humping on PMK is enough to make your brain melt and drip out of your ears, but maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing. Because PMK’s succubus snatch would swallow that bitch whole and after the dark orb in her body sucked out all of his youth and fame, she’d spit him out of her asshole and he’d be nothing but a wrinkled shell of a human (like Bruce Jenner, basically).
Ibiza became Hell on EARTH last night when PMK, the Biebs, Kim Kartrashian, Kanye West and Kendull Jenner all gathered together for Riccardo Tisci’s birthday. If you’re like me and wondering where Orlando Bloom’s flying fist was when we needed it most, apparently, Justin Bieber is the King Joffrey of Ibiza, because he got that ho banned from Riccardo’s party. Page Six says that Orlando Bloom tried to get in, but Justin Bieber whined to the party’s “organizers” and told them to block that ho. The Biebs probably threatened to cry if the organizers let that big, bad Orlando in and the organizers did what he said, because nobody likes a crying baby.
And after the party, Kim Instagramm’d this picture of her terrifying Billy the Puppet whore face in front of a sleeping Gay Fish with the note: “Side chicks be like….”
We’ve all given Kim shit for her crappy Photoshop skills, but she’s obviously gotten a lot better. I mean, she completely erased a naked Riccardo Tisci from Kanye’s side and you can’t even tell. That looks like the original picture. Good job, Kummy Cakes!
The story of the beautiful-faced delicate porcelain elf figurine Orlando Bloom scrappin’ with ass tampon Justin Bieber is already a pile of ridiculousness, but more layers of weird keep being added to it. When TMZ first reported this mess, they said that Orlando was the one who started it by throwing a failed punch at the Biebs’. A second later, it was reported that the less butch Anybodys from West Side Story started it by spitting out the line, “She (Miranda Kerr) was good,” when Orlando Bloom walked by his table. Now, former Spanish journalist (aren’t we all former Spanish journalists?) Anastasia Skolkova tells The Mirror (via The Daily Mail) that Orlando and the Biebs fought twice and practically everyone was on Team Legolas except for the Biebs’ bodyguards who are paid to pretend they are on his team even though they were probably clapping for Orlando on the inside.
A bunch of famous whores, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan and Diddy, were at Cipriani’s in Ibiza that morning and when the junior high school cafeteria fight broke out, they all took their places on Orlando’s side. Anastasia claims that Leonardo clapped for Orlando and Lindsay Lohan laughed at the Biebs. Even though Leo has probably been on Miranda Kerr’s Kewpie doll poon, it makes sense for him to clap for Orlando, because he hates the Biebs more than pizza. Anastasia put it like this:
“Justin said something when he came in which was aimed at Orlando, who then jumped onto a sofa to try and get at Justin. When Orlando punched Bieber, everyone started clapping. Lindsay was laughing. It was amazing. The whole table he and DiCaprio were on were clapping. Afterwards, I don’t know if people were congratulating Orlando or trying to calm him down. When security saw that when they got separated, Bieber and Orlando tried to punch each other again, security were like, ‘Bieber came, Bieber provoked this fight’, so they took his hands behind his back and took him away from the restaurant.”
I’m a little disappointed that Leonardo didn’t finish the Biebs off by knocking that trick down with one of his hot Kung-Fu kicks. Leo probably figured it was wrong for him to get involved in a fight between two delicate and fragile woodland nymphs.
This story just keeps getting more bizarre. I’m sure that by Monday someone will report that Orlando shot Justin Bieber in the face with an arrow and afterward, Tupac gave him a victory fist bump and as he was walking out, Elvis pat him on the back while sitting on a unicorn that whistled out the Rocky theme song.
And when Lindsay Lohan laughs at you, you have officially found the crawlspace under Hell’s basement. You’ve fallen so low and so hard that not even Life Alert can save you.
Here’s Orlando dealing with the humiliation of punching at the Biebs and missing by hugging on Erica Packer on a yacht in Formentera, Spain. Erica is the ex-wife of Australian billionaire James Packer who Miranda Kerr has been doing for a while, but who isn’t Miranda Kerr doing?
Justin Bieber took his little ass to Instagram to once again slap at Orlando Bloom after Orlando threw a punch at him during a fight over Miranda Kerr at Cipriani’s early this morning. The Biebs is a popped dick pimple, but he’s right. Orlando Bloom should be crying. Orlando should be squirting out tears, because he had the chance to make humanity proud by knuckling the Biebs in the face and he failed. He failed himself and he failed us all. How do you live with yourself after that?
The Biebs gets really hard when he’s hiding behind Instagram. I picture him uploading that picture and screaming at his bodyguards, “Hold me back, bros! Hold me back! Don’t make me press enter on that bitch! Hold me back!” That peach-fuzzed butt nugget spits out a lot of shit when he’s hiding behind a screen, but get him in front of Orlando and he’d behind an adult before running for the exit door while screaming and crying for his mommy. Hmmm…Why does that description I just typed feel so familiar and why did my monitor suddenly turn into a mirror? It’s making it really hard to type and talk shit.
And here’s the object of Orlando and the Biebs’ douche fight at some Escada event in Munich, Germany last night. This might be the last time you see Miranda Kerr’s face, because she should get a face transplant and become entirely unrecognizable now that everyone knows that she probably fucked Justin Bieber.
Well, if anything can make the world temporarily join together and slow clap while cackling, it’s this. Both TMZ and The Daily Mail say that Orlando Bloom, who I always thought was as gentle as a butterfly sitting on a hippie’s flower crown, tried to punch the faux hood Kid Sister doll that is Justin Bieber at Cipriani in Ibiza early Wednesday morning. I know, we really shouldn’t be slow clapping for Orlando Bloom and I’m not saying that because he almost committed douche toddler abuse. I’m saying it, because he missed. YOU HAD ONE JOB, ORLANDO!
Some source tells The Daily Mail that 37-year-old Orlando is the one who started shit with the 4-year-old chunky, dried skid mark clinging to humanity’s saggy chonies. There’s a rumor that Miranda Kerr passed her poon to the Biebs (Side note: And suddenly I have sucio images of a Kewpie Doll with hair rubbing on a Baby Alive doll) while she was married to Orlando and Orlando might’ve revenged fucked Selena Gomez. Miranda Kerr is probably the reason why Legolas wanted to knock the Cabbage Patch doll stuffing out of the Biebs. The source spit this out:
“Justin was being cordial, and everything was fine. But then Orlando was annoyed when he saw it was Justin and instigated by taking a swing at Justin. Justin ducked, and Orlando’s punch missed. People intervened, some minor pushing, then they were separated. Justin stayed for a while after.”
TMZ says that when the Biebs ducked Orlando’s punch, he shouted, “What’s up bitch?” The crowd apparently started cheering and clapping when the Biebs left.
This junior high school quad bullshit. Normally I’d say that Orlando Bloom is re-defining “too old for this shit,” but you’re never too old to slap the smugness out of Justin Bieber. I’ve always said that he needs to feel the wrath of an abuelita’s chancleta. But really, the one who should be throwing the punches here is Miranda Kerr and she should be throwing punches at her own face for sexing on Justin Bieber. Nasty Mary Kay Letourneau ass trick.
Here’s the video from TMZ which starts right after Orlando tried to fist the Biebs. It’s so blurry that it could be Punky Brewster screaming at Barbara Hershey with a bob for all we know.
UPDATE: And the Biebs yanked at Orlando’s curls by Instramming (and then deleting) this: