Justin Bieber, the tiny tampon that was pulled out of Canada’s cooch and thrown into America, made Kurt Cobain fans scream, “BLASPHEMY,” while clutching their flannel shirts yesterday when he wore a really ugly Nirvana t-shirt to the American Music Awards. Nirvana fans tweeted about how Kurt Cobain’s ashes must be spinning in the air over this because the Biebs stands for everything he was against! Or something like that. The American Music Awards go against everything hardcore Nirvana fans believe in, so I’m sure they didn’t watch, but if they did, they would’ve probably said a prayer for Kurt Cobain’s ghost to electrocute the Biebs by turning on his mic as he danced in the rain during his performance.
Some Nirvana fans think Justin Bieber should be jailed for tainting the image of Kurt Cobain, but Courtney Love is totally cool with it.
You're cool in my book @justinbieber xc
— Courtney Love Cobain (@Courtney) November 23, 2015
Of course Cracked Out Courtney is cool with it. She gets life from inhaling the fumes that waft off of the boiling assholes of mad Nirvana fans. It’s her newest drug of choice.
I don’t think the Biebs wearing a Nirvana shirt is a big deal, but what is a big deal is that his stylists were probably trying to make him look like Christian Slater in Gleaming The Cube. Now that is offensive. I would pull out my pitchfork of rage over that, but I’m too busy shaking my head at myself. On Friday night, I was drunk and vulnerable (like usual) and I found myself downloading Justin Bieber’s new album. My iTunes crashed the next day and probably because it couldn’t look at me anymore. I need to set up
parental controls drunk bitch controls on my computer so my wasted ass won’t make the mistake of downloading a Biebs album again.
For those of you looking at the potato quality picture above and thinking: “For why is some random dude singing to Selena Gomez and two of the three fairies from Sleeping Beauty in a fancy-ass bar?“, well, you got the Selena Gomez part right, but you missed the spoiled Timbit sitting next to her. Don’t beat yourself up over it; Justin Bieber totally blends into the background when he’s not throwing chairs around.
As you can see from the picture above, dickmatization’s former poster children Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber got together, and no, it wasn’t because Selena found a bunch of footy pajamas at her house and decided to return them to their rightful owner. Justin and Selena were caught hanging out at a hotel bar in Beverly Hills last night. And if that wasn’t enough to make you roll your eyes and reach for your “She don’t love herself” GIFs, then there’s also this little nugget of NO: Justin grabbed a mic and busted out a middle school talent show-sounding version “My Girl” to her. Which looked and sounded a little something like this.
No word on how many people in the bar were rushed to the hospital and treated for cringe-uries caused by second-hand embarrassment, but I’m going to assume the answer is: all of them. Neither Justin nor Selena has commented on whether or not they’re humping on each other again, so who even knows how permanent this shit is.
But he didn’t end the night with Selena, because apparently “My Girl” was short for “My Girl…Until Someone Hotter Comes Along“. Shortly after he made Thomas J. roll over in his grave, Justin Bieber hit up a club with Kylie Jenner. Which…also didn’t last very long, since Kylie left the club with Iggy Azalea’s former piece, ASAP Rocky. Yes, Kim Jr. has been single for all of 0.03 seconds, and already she might have a new man. A man who is a whole year older than Tyga. That sound you just heard was Kris Jenner cackling with glee into her morning bowl of spiders.
When I pulled my hung over, broke off and dozed off body out of bed this morning, I almost went back to bed when I went through my feed and got the image of Justin Bieber praying to the Gods above to let him top One Direction. If you stay really quiet and open up your ear holes really wide, you can hear the sound of Usher cackling over the Biebs trying to top anyone.
After I saw this perfect headline that will no doubt win every Peabody Award, I didn’t even want to read the story, because that mess is the only thing I needed. But Page Six’s story is about how Justin Bieber and One Direction are currently wrestling for the top position in the Battle of the Tattooed Twinks (“I’ve had that wet dream before!” – Kevin Spacey). Both the Biebs’ redemption album Purpose and One Direction’s album Made In The A.M. came out on Friday and only one of them can be on top. Billboard said a couple of days ago that the Biebs has spit on the hairless b-holes of One Direction and is getting ready to stick the tip in, because expert types say that his album is selling more than theirs. That probably has to do with his team doing whatever it takes for him to top One Direction. The Biebs is trying to find ways to “pump” up his album sales so he can really stick it to 1D good. Beaver balls deep good.
Sources say his team’s found ways to pump album sales including bundling his new release, “Purpose,” with tickets to two Staples Center shows last week — “That would be nearly another 40,000 albums [sold] right there,” said a source. He’s also partnered with ride-hailing app Lyft to give riders a download of his album for $5 through a “buy and ride” button. “Those will also go toward the charts,” a source said.
And seriously, I don’t know whether to hate Page Six or love Page Six, because the week has barely started, and burned into my brain is the picture of the 1D dudes with their asses up, trying not to laugh as Justin Bieber tries to top them one by one.
Here’s Justin Bieber’s dream bottoms leaving BBC Radio 2 yesterday.
I know – what a shock, right? While looking like a Magic Nursery Baby Jimbo Jones, Justin Bieber was caught on video angrily flipping a chair at a cafe in France. This would normally be where I’d say “Pattie Mallette, come get your son“, but even his own mother is sort of pulling an “I don’t know him” right now.
The context of the video is a little confusing, and the caption doesn’t exactly help us out, since it’s written in French. But I had a French-speaking friend translate, and according to the person who took the video, Canada’s stale Timbit threw a tantrum because “he was upset because we saw that nobody was yelling.” I’ve read that sentence four times, and it’s starting to hurt my head, so I’m going to stop trying to understand what it all means. Instead, let’s just focus on Justin’s near-perfect impression of a kid who was just informed that it’s 9 o’clock and Chuck E. Cheese’s is now closed.
Justin est aller en terrasses il s'est énerver parce que on l'a vu alors que personne crier pic.twitter.com/jUGOddfcDj
— Chanel # (@DeliciousSlut) November 7, 2015
As for why Justin Bieber’s latest meltdown happened in France, he was there for something called the NRJ Music Awards. Here he is looking like Zack Morris’ evil twin while walking the red carpet.
Seen above looking like an overused old tampon, Justin Bieber is doing the rounds to promote his new album and while talking to Billboard, the topic of his rolled-up Canadian crotch pancake came up again. Because you want to know, the Biebs said he was only joking when he claimed shrinkage and his peen in that picture is as big as it gets. The Biebs was also asked for his thoughts about what Bette Middler said. When Justin Bieber’s bootleg KFed of a daddy patted his son’s dick all proud-like in a tweet, Bette Midler tweeted this:
.@justinbieber dad tweeted he's proud of his son's penis size. I think the biggest dick in this situation is the dad who abandoned his son.
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) October 10, 2015
That little ass lube bubble had the AUDACITY to pull a “Harpo, who dis woman?” on the legendary Divine Miss M who has more talent and star power in one of her shit nuggets than he has in his entire being!
“This Britt Meddler,” says Justin, unintentionally mangling the stage-and-screen legend’s name. “I don’t even know who that is, honestly. I wanted to immediately say ‘Who is this lady?’, but then I’m just fueling this negativity. I do feel the photo was an invasion of my privacy. I felt super violated. My dad made light of it, but I don’t think that’s sick and twisted. It was funny. Dads are going to be dads.”
I see what Jackson Bibear is doing by wondering who “Britt Meddler” is. I didn’t know he had that kind of shade in him. I’m mildly impressed. But you know, America can use his fake ignorance to finally deport him for good. See, when non-citizens go through immigration in the US, they’re asked the usual questions, but they’re also asked what their favorite Bette Midler movie is. If their facial expression becomes one giant question mark after hearing the name Bette Middler, they’re banned forever and are dragged away by officers who put them on a plane going back to their country. We can totally deport the Biebs using the Bette Midler Law! (Just go with me on this.)
And here’s Bette Midler as a trash heap bull, or something, at her annual Hulaween party last weekend.
Justin Bieber’s Tantrum Tour through Europe took him to Spain where he walked out of a radio station interview because he didn’t like their questions and it also took him to Norway where he walked off the stage in a hissy fit after some fans kept touching his legs as he tried to clean up the wet oopsie he made (spilled water, my ass!). Well, before he left Europe, the Biebs delivered one last smug moment during a performance on the Spanish TV show El Hormiguero.
As cracked out peen puppets swayed on the side, the Biebs yodeled out an acoustic version of “What Do You Mean?” but stopped for a minute when his not-knowing fans kept clapping offbeat. Those fans are lucky they didn’t clap off key at a Taylor Swift concert, because she would’ve sued them all for ruining her song. But those rhythmically challenged peasants did get a lesson in clapping from Toddler Professor Bieber. It starts at around the 2:33 mark.
In the Biebs defense (I hate myself a whole lot more whenever I type that), the audience’s clapping skills were a mess and I did laugh at him getting all bitchy with his own damn fans. And I bet that after he left the stage, the sound of clapping grew louder because everyone repeatedly slapped themselves for being that little turd’s fan.
And here’s the clap master outside of Kendall Jenner’s birthday party in L.A. last night.
Yesterday, Justin Bieber, a proud graduate of Kanye West’s Nurse School of Doucheness, walked out in the middle of an interview with a Spanish radio station, because he didn’t like the question about who dresses him (a slow clap for that shady question) and other questions that didn’t have to do with his music. The Biebs made it perfectly clear with his facial expressions that he was over it and he left without saying so much as an “adios, bitch!” The truth is, the Beibs is showing a little bit of maturity, because in the past, he would’ve thrown a hissy fight and cried until his au pair ran in, stuck a Sizzurp-dipped pacifier in his cry hole and carried him out while burping him. Well, today, Justin Bieber walked out on something again, but this time he walked out on a bunch of his fans who buy his music and keep him in the finest saggy diaper pants money can buy .
Right before a performance for a TV show in Oslo, Norway, some of his fans in the front row spilled water. The Biebs tried to clean it up at first, but after scolding his fans, he said fuck it and dramatically exited the stage. Justin’s dramatic asshole stage exit gets a solid F from me, because he didn’t throw an invisible scarf around his shoulder, arch his back and do a jazz walk offstage.
The Biebs later burped up an apology on Instragram and said that he’s sowwy. He’s just got the tireds real bad!
Sadly it’s Been a rough week for me, long days no sleep, while having to be “on” as they would say for cameras fans etc. In no way did I mean to come across mean, but chose to end the show as the people in the front row would not listen. Hopefully people will understand where I am coming from. I don’t always handle things the right way but I’m human and I’m working on getting better at responding not reacting. Unfortunately people were affected by this as am I. For the people in the back I am so sorry and for anyone I may have disappointed im sorry. Sorry for wasting the tv people’s time I’ll be sure to make it up to you next time on tour.. With love Justin.
What’s really shitty is that I don’t even think that’s spilled water. Justin Bieber probably temporarily forgot his potty training and had an accident on the stage. Then he not only blamed it on his fans, but he bitched them out for it. That’s more cold-hearted than letting out a fart and blaming it on your puppy. And Ellen DeGeneres better leave a chair vacant for him, because her show will be his first stop on his Apology 2.0 Tour.
When Justin Bieber’s Canadian salchicha made its way across the Internet, his biological dad (not to be confused with adoptive dad Usher) Jeremy Bieber pulled a Papa Joe by complimenting his son’s dick situation in a tweet. Justin’s KFed of a dad tweeted: “@justinbieber what do you feed that thing. #proud daddy.” (I apologize if you paid a hypnotist good money to have that tweet erased from your memory bin.)
Justin has been doing the rounds, promoting
those pics his album and he’s already said that those pictures showed his dick at its smallest and during a radio interview with Zach Sang & The Gang, he laughed at his dad’s tweet and called it “such a dad thing to say.” Err, speak for your own dad, Biebs. In my household, a dad thing to say is, “Err, what’s your name again?“, and, “Sorry I missed your last 8 birthdays.” But I guess in the Bieber household, “Nice big dick, son,” is a dad thing to say. via UsWeekly
“I thought it was hilarious. ‘What do you feed that thing,'” Bieber quipped in his latest interview of his dad’s brow-raising tweets. “It’s such a dad thing to say. When I found out people were hating on him for saying that, I was like, ‘Are you kidding me?’ What dad wouldn’t be proud of that? It’s not like he’s saying it to an 11-year-old. I’m 21 years old.”
Bieber also joked that his many fans even bestowed a name upon his, um, junk. “They call it Jerry,” he boasted on Sunday.
Those Beliebers are all fetus aged, but I’m going to choose to believe that they named it Jerry after Tom & Jerry. Justin, Jeremy and Jerry sounds like the names of the members of a barbershop trio called The Triple Js, and now I really hate myself for picturing Justin Bieber’s dick in a straw skimmer hat.
And the Biebs would’ve been 100% right if he would’ve said, “That’s such a Jeremy Bieber thing to say.” Because it is and I’m sure that right after Daddy Bieber tweeted that, he DMed his son with, “Dude, I fluffed your junk up on the Twitter, so can you repay your pop by dropping another $5k in my account. There’s these hawt twin strippers I want to daisy chain with.”
Head douche of the romper room Justin Bieber complained to Access Hollywood about feeling violated after pics of his nekkidness scandalized the Earth over a week ago. He also stated that the depiction of his dick was inaccurate due to “shrinkage.” Maybe Daddy should have sent more incest-y tweets to bolster his dick’s fragile ego? via People
“My first thing was like … how can they do this? Like I feel super violated. Like, I feel like I can’t step outside and feel like I can go outside naked. Like you should feel comfortable in your own space … especially that far away.”
On one hand, he’s right. He should be able to, like, walk the cock if he’s in own personal space, like, without it ending up slapped across the, like, Internet for, like, jillions to “meh” to. Like, Granted, when Justin Bieber walks outside naked, he calls it a “violation,” but when I do it the police are called, people run and I’m told to leave the park immediately.
On the other hand, those evil assholes didn’t even let him apply a proper Instagram filter to his nudity this time! When you’re globally famous and you walk your bare ass out on the deck of your hotel hut, the paps should at least wait until you give the word. Forewarned is fore
cockedarmed in the celebrity dick pic game, people!
Bieber also felt that his dick wasn’t presented in the best possible light.
“That was shrinkage for me.”
Irritating shithead, please! Every guy caught out there says that. If shrinkage had that much to do with small penises, the male engineers of the world would insure that pools only came heated. Our global warming issue would have to suck it, because all of the dude scientists would instead be wracked figuring out a way to permanently raise the temperatures of the planet’s oceans, lakes, rivers and streams.
Not that I want to be defending the hell toddler, but it’s not like he’s sporting a button. Sure, it’s not the Hammaconda, but that’s a rare beast. Look, showers not growers do fine in the world. (You – “Orly?” Me – “Shut up!“) I mean, does size really matter in the end? (The Dlisted readership – “Yes!”) *Cut to Michael K. wondering how Dlisted HR would let someone who would ask that question into the lobby, let alone allow him to blog here*
And here’s some enthralling pics of the Biebs exiting a public bathroom yesterday in Beverly Hills.
Kanye West, the real-life version of OLD MAN YELLS AT CLOUD, is very mad about something and wants you to know about it. Last night, Kanye took a break from his usual Friday night routine (reassuring Kim Kardashian that she’s still the most beautiful factory-made fuck doll while staring at himself in a reflective surface) to hop on Twitter and rage hard against Kanye’s latest foe: IN-APP PURCHASES! Sorry, Hatfields and McCoys, but you’ve clearly been replaced as American history’s most hard-core feud.
It all started after Kanye and Kim’s tax write-off (“Miscellaneous photography expense“) North West wandered away from the nanny’s quarters and into Daddy’s room with her iPad. I guess North’s money manager, Pimp Granny Kris Jenner, forgot to link up her My First Black Card with the App Store, because she kept getting notices for in-app purchases on the game she was playing and brought it to Daddy’s attention.
Apparently, Kanye isn’t into hustling little kids for money. So Kanye did what Kanye does when Kanye is mad: Kanye ranted on Twitter about it. “Oh shit” thought Kim while kounting the mountain of kash she makes off the 12-year-olds who hit BUY on every in-app purchase notification in Kim Kardashian: Hollywood.