Rhoda in The Bad Seed.. Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son…. Damien in The Omen… That corn field wisher in The Twilight Zone… And now you can add Ariana Grand Latte’s name to the list of evil children with hearts made of ice.
When Ariana Grande Latte isn’t powering up her energy bars of evil by picturing her fans dying a slow, painful death, she’s chewing grown men up and spitting them out like Gerber chicken and gravy baby food, which is just gross to her. She’s much more of a Gerber banana strawberry kind of baby. Playgrounds were filled with tears and WHYs a few days ago when Ariana and Big Sean dramatically announced that they are done with each other after 8 long months together. Everyone (aka no one) wondered what could’ve possibly gone wrong between junior high school’s answer to Diddy and JLo?! We FINALLY have answers.
A source (read: Big Sean’s pool noodle dick, because you know that bitch has a big mouth) tells TMZ that it was all Ariana’s fault. Big Sean is currently tagging the words “ARIANA IS AN EVIL BITCH” into the wall of the boys bathroom closest to the gym, because she really gave him the owwies in the heart area. The source says that these are the 3 things that led to the break-up of the century:
1. Big Sean did a show the night before the Grammys last February and it was the biggest night of his career and everyone (including JLo, the Biebs, The Difficult Brown, etc…) was there except for Ariana. She had to study for a geometry exam, or something. No, her excuse was that she had to prepare herself for the Grammys.
2. Big Sean went to see Ariana, like, all the time. He counted and everything. He went to see her 10 more times than she went to see him. Cold, right? Ariana even told him to spend tens of thousands of dollars on taking a private jet to see her. Sean grew up poor and doesn’t like wasting money. He always thought it was real “immature” of Ariana to make demands like that.
3. Big Sean thinks that Ariana is so evil and mean that she purposefully orchestrated that onstage cuddle session with Justin Bieber to piss him off.
What a bitch! I knew Ariana was extra shady when she called out Ruby’s cankles and split ends in front of everyone in third period. I wish it was Valentine’s Day again so that I could send Big Sean an anonymous candy gram to make him feel better. Sending him a candy gram would be a nice change from sending myself candy grams. Did I just say that out loud?
If you’ve ever wondered how douchey you have to be to get kicked out of Coachella. The answer is: Justin Bieber levels of douche.
Seen above making Usher jealous by getting into some kinky More Than Fifty Shades of Douche shit with fellow asshole The Difficult Brown (Note: But Usher shouldn’t be jealous, because that’s how Chris Brown greets everyone.), Justin Bieber was allegedly put in a chokehold by a Coachella security guard while trying to get backstage for Drake’s set. TMZ says that before Madge powered up her energy bars by sucking out Drake’s insides, Justin Bieber and his entourage tried to get backstage but were stopped by a security guard who denied entry to the possessed Baby Alive doll. The security guard told the Biebs that backstage was at capacity. When the Biebs and his entourage showed their VIP wristbands, the security guard still wasn’t having it and shut that bitch down for a second time.
Cry tears of joy for yourself, Argentina, because there’s a warrant out for Justin Bieber’s arrest in your country and so he may never go back again. You’re the luckiest country in the world! Let’s all pack up our shit, learn the lyrics to “Buenos Aires” so we can sing it when we get off the train and head to Ar-hen-tina! Argentina is the new Biebs-free wonderland!
While the caca clump clinging to North America’s longest ass hair and Kendull Jenner are making Coachella even more insufferable than it already is, a judge in Argentina has issued a warrant for his arrest. The minute Justin Bieber steps into Argentina, he’ll be arrested. In 2013, the Biebs and one of his bodyguards allegedly attacked a paparazzo outside of a club in Buenos Aires. The Biebs and his bodyguard left Argentina before police were able to question them. Last November, a judge ordered him to go back to Buenos Aires to face questioning. But since he’s the baddest rebel on the Montessori school playground, ain’t no country going to boss him around. The Biebs didn’t go back, so an arrest warrant has been thrown down. via Reuters
Entertainment website FarandulaShow (www.farandulaShow.com) posted a copy of the court ruling ordering Bieber be detained on its web page. Court secretary Soledad Nieto, a co-signatory of the order paper, confirmed the document was authentic.
“I consider it pertinent to order the immediate detention of the accused,” read Judge Alberto Julio Banos’ order, which is dated April 8.
The court also ordered the detention of one of Bieber’s bodyguards.
Argentina definitely has the right idea and every country on this planet should follow their lead. I’m sure every country the Biebs has visited can find a reason to issue an arrest warrant on his ass (possible reasons: being Justin Bieber, noise pollution, etc…) and if they did he’d run out of places to hide. He’d have to take his ass to Antarctica. No, that wouldn’t be nice. The polar bears already have global warming to deal with. They don’t need to deal with global douching too.
Here’s the escandalo (the video headline writer’s word, not mine) video of the Biebs’ bodyguard smearing that pap in 2013.
No, you’re not looking at a blurry outtake from an engagement photo shoot between My Buddy and a Yasmin doll. It’s actually the swaggy kindergarten classroom hamster known as Justin Bieber making a surprise appearance during pocket-sized yodeling terror Ariana Grande’s show in Inglewood last night. I guess he had too much fruit punch backstage (sugar makes him hyperactive), because he started getting a little handsy with Ariana during their performance of “As Long As You Love Me”. Poor Ariana – it’s going to take at least 3 showers to wash the stank of Axe Jr. Lil’ Spritz off her skin.
Shortly after Justin Bieber started rubbing up on Ariana from behind, some people in the audience started doing the You In Danger, Girl shuffle, because Ariana is currently bumping parts with Big Sean. TMZ says shortly after this all happened, a tweet from Big Sean appeared on the internet that said: “That kid is about to learn not to touch my girl like that. Bieliebe that.” Of course, the tweet was later deleted, and a rep for Big Sean claims it was totally fake because apparently Big Sean and Justin Bieber are friends. Oh no, Big Sean, that’s the sort of thing you don’t admit out loud.
But that wasn’t even the most awkward part of the night, if you can beliebe it (yes I hate myself for typing that):
Okay Justin, we got it – you’re wearing big boy pants now. Put it away.
Here’s more of Justin working some sweet Kids Incorporated-approved moves at Ariana Grade’s show last night, as well as Ariana Grande looking like the grand marshal of a slutty figure skating costume parade:
Comedy Central finally aired their roast of Draco Malfoy’s muggle cousin from Canada Justin Bieber last night, which means we finally got to see if Martha Stewart could roast more than a Thanksgiving turkey. And roast him she did! Not only did she roast him, she stuffed a bunch of sage and breadcrumb truth up his ass and basted him in his own tears. She also took a couple swipes at the other roasters, because Martha knows a good hostess passes her shade around like a plate of exquisitely decorated sugar cookies. People has compiled a collection of Martha’s best moments.
Well, I guess every gang needs their own Anybodys.
Seen above wearing an armpit merkin since Magic Nursery dolls can’t grow body hair, Justin Bieber may have bro fisted and made up with Leonardo DiCatchAHo after the latter cheered and laughed when the former got punched out by beautiful porcelain elf Orlando Bloom in Ibiza. On Saturday night, the leader of the doucheified Brat Pack apparently partied with Leonardo DiCatchAHo at 1Oak in West Hollywood and they were seen leaving together along with a bunch of women. Poor Lukas Haas. He was probably forced to take an Uber because the Biebs’ car seat took up so much space in Leo’s ho mobile.
I don’t understand this. Thanks to that raggedy ass beard, Leonardo DiCatchAHo looks like a creepy drifter who eats earth worms and peeps on ladies squat pissing in rest stop bathrooms, but he can still get ass. He’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo! He doesn’t need the Biebs. Maybe Leo mistook the Biebs for one of the chicks’ kid and he let the little brat tag along since he’s got a supervised play area in his mansion for situations like this. Or maybe Leo’s game is getting a little rusty and he’s hanging out with the Biebs because he knows that ladies love babies. If that’s the case, he should’ve gotten a puppy instead. They’re also lady magnets, but their bark is less annoying than the Biebs’ voice, they’re easier to house train and usually at some point they graduate from humping your leg.
And here’s some Hi-Res, crystal clear pictures of Leo leaving DBA last night with a new set of chicks. The Biebs didn’t come out, because an episode of Nicky, Ricky, Dicky and Dawn he hadn’t seen was on.
File this under both “Things We Don’t Need A ‘New’ Version Of” and “Stop It, You’re Making Judd Nelson Sad“. VOGUE has crowned what they call ”Hollywood’s New Brat Pack“, and I want whatever it is Anna Wintour is mixing into her mid-afternoon cocktails, because that bitch is clearly getting next-level drunk. VOGUE’s New Brat Pack includes – and may god strike me down for such blasphemy as writing the following names adjacent to the words Brat Pack – Justin Bieber, Kendall Jenner, model Gigi Hadid, actor Ansel Elgort, and Sean Penn’s offspring Dylan and Hopper Penn. If only there were a relevant image that could accurately describe how I feel about this. Oh, here we go:
Calling this group of questionable no-talents the “New Brat Pack” is the definition of THE AUDACITY. It’s like VOGUE is trolling us in real life (Anna Wintour totally just got her assistant to force the corners of her mouth up into a sly smile). Not to mention that I cannot for the life of me determine who is who. Was there a member of the original Brat Pack who was a hard-core spoiled toddler asshole from Canada? If there was, then Justin Bieber is that one.
Pics: Vogue, Gif: Tumblr
Seen above doing her best impression of Canada’s King Joffrey trying to rap like the big boys he sees on TV, Emmy Rossum made an appearance on SiriusXM’s Sway in the Morning on Wednesday and she admitted something that made me instantly feel so so bad for her: that her next-door neighbor is Justin Bieber. It all happened when Emmy was asked to describe the one thing she’d do over in her life if she could, and it sounds like she’s about to say “I would live anywhere but next to that brat Justin Bieber“, but instead she told the story of the day she met her new neighbor. Warning: noxious levels of douchery ahead.
Once Emmy discovered that Justin had moved in next-door, she decided to do the good neighbor thing by going over to his house to introduce herself and say hello. Unfortunately, she didn’t get very far because she was stopped by his army of bodyguards, because Justin Bieber is far too important to say hello to the chick from Shameless. Also, he was too busy trying to act tough: according to Emmy, Justin rolled up in his Bentley and and started rapping along to the baddest song on his Kidz Bop CD:
Emmy also says she doubts she’ll be invited to any of Justin Bieber’s clubhouse ragers because she’s 28-years-old and that’s probably too old. I don’t know about that – he’ll definitely want an adult on hand to help him use the oven if he decides his party needs some Totino’s pizza rolls.
Here’s the Mrs. Wilson to Justin Bieber’s Dennis the Menace arriving at LAX yesterday:
“Oh, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy! Go into Granny’s purse and grab yourself a piece of candy. I hope you like sugar-free peppermints!” Although this is technically Madonna we’re talking about, so it was probably more like “How old are you? 21? Cool. Go into my phone and leave your contact info, k? And tell the other boy holding my phone that he’s been replaced.”
Madonna made an appearance on Ellen today to promote her latest album, and for some reason Justin Bieber was there too, because I guess Ellen DeGeneres is his after-school baby sitter now. Justin is still trying to show everyone he’s a good little boy, so instead of kicking his feet against his chair and groaning “THIS IS BOOOORING” while the adults talked, they kept him busy by playing a game of Never Have I Ever and talking about whether or not Madonna would date him. Warning: if you have a vivid imagination, the video below might cause your brain to start creating some truly not-right mental images.
Then after the show was over, she added 8 layers of NO to the situation by Instagramming a picture of Justin planting a pablum-scented kiss on her cheek backstage. Ew. I don’t know what’s grossing me out more; the thought of Justin Bieber pressing his lips into one of those cheek implants or the throbbing fame whore boner Madonna got after she realized how much social media attention she’d get from posting a picture of Justin Bieber mouth-humping her face.
But to be honest, if anything is going to fix Justin Bieber’s spoiled brat ways, it would be sending him to the real-life reform school that is dating Madonna. Madonna takes zero bullshit. I’d give him 2 weeks of not speaking till he’s spoken to and sitting back in coach with the capes before he finally breaks.
And Now For The Time A Messy David Arquette Tried To Fight Justin Bieber During His 21st Birthday Party
On Saturday night, juvenile delinquent Pizza Party Kevin doll Justin Bieber celebrated turning 21 years old, and even though he’s a big boy now, he did have a clown at his birthday party, and Page Six says that clown was David Arquette. Shortly after Justin filmed his Comedy Central roast, he flew to Las Vegas to celebrate his birthday at the Omnia club with his nearest and douchiest, one of which was Omnia co-owner David Arquette, who got next-level messy and tried to fight him.
According to a party guest, it all went down at the afterparty in Justin’s hotel suite when a “pretty messed up” David was heard talking shit about Justin Bieber behind his back. Maybe David got confused and thought they were still at the roast? Anyway, when Justin heard that David was saying not-nice words about him, he and a friend kicked him out. Somehow that crafty cravat-wearing weasel got back in and bum-rushed the birthday boy in an attempt to take him down. There was a bit of a scuffle before David Arquette was finally thrown out for good.
There is so much about this dramatic situation that I don’t understand. Why the hell was 43-year-old David Arquette at Justin Bieber’s 21st birthday party? I know he sort of owns the club, but still – if that isn’t the definition of “I make poor life choices“, then I don’t know what is. Also, why would he follow Justin Bieber to the afterparty if he hated him so much? I’ll never understand that. One time this trick came to my birthday party and told me “You know, I didn’t even want to come” and I was like “This isn’t a hostage situation with cake, bitch, you can leave anytime you want.”
David, I know the siren song of free booze and pizza is strong, but sometimes it just isn’t worth it! Here’s David just before he went HAM on the red carpet at Justin Bieber’s birthday party: