Because Justin Bieber is basically the rich kid equivalent to a lazy 10-year-old who takes forever to clean his room, the fact that he hasn’t had a concert in two years should be surprising to absolutely no one. I’m sure Scooter Braun practically had to drag him the whole way there while Justin whined, “Noooooo, I don’t wanna! I got obnoxious rich kid stuff to do!” But by some miracle, Justin Bieber turned off his LeapPad, put down his sippy cup of Smirnoff Ice, and put on a Tiny Talent Time show at KIIS FM’s Wango Tango 2015 on Saturday night.
According to TMZ, Justin went on stage around 8:30pm (awwww, somebody got to stay up past his bedtime!) and Kanye West closed the show. I don’t know who I feel worse for: Kanye for having to share a stage with Lil’ Vanilla Ice, or the audience for having to sit through a double dose of douche. Actually, maybe not Kanye; sure he had to share at stage with Justin, but at least Justin never called his ass out for not writing his own songs, like some blonde pretty-in-the-face types did last week. Either way, I’m sure when he heard Justin was opening for him, his face did one of these.
Speaking of that audience, TMZ says that somewhere slithering among the masses was Pimp Mama Kris – who, thanks to all the Botox that has leeched into her brain, probably got Wango Tango confused with Cabo Wabo and was sad there were no all-you-can-chug Waboritas – and Justin’s maybe girlfriend Hailey Baldwin.
But Justin didn’t spend the whole weekend struggling to remember the choreography to “Boyfriend”; he also gave a shout out to the lady who made him on Instagram by posting a picture of his mom with the caption:
“If it wasn’t for this woman lets just say I would have had a way LONGER stupid phase. I love u and thank u for not giving up on me”
“Of course I’d never give up on you, money…I mean, honey” replied Justin’s mom.
Here’s more of Justin looking, as always, like a possessed Rollerblade Dude doll going through a grunge phase on Saturday night:
Since the theme of this year’s Met Gala was basically China? followed by a shrug, Emma Roberts decided the vaguely Chinese elements of her outfit would be a dragon purse that totally reminds me of the seat covers in my high school boyfriend’s car and a pair of chopsticks in her hair. Unfortunately, the internet had a problem with the chopsticks. People says that shortly after Emma posted a picture of her Met Gala hair to Instagram, several people started swatting at her for cultural appropriation. “Uh oh” just whispered every 13-year-old girl from 2002.
People says that none of the comments seemed to stay for very long, but plenty of people on Twitter picked up where Instagram left off. Emma got the message, and she yanked the chopsticks out of her hair before she stepped on the red carpet.
I’d say it was probably a good movie on Emma Roberts’ part to ditch the chopsticks, for two reasons. One, because the last thing you want when you show up to the Met Gala is for those stuck-up bitches on the red carpet to throw you a “Really? Chopsticks? How predictable” eye roll. And two, because everybody knows if you’re going to reuse a popular hair accessory from the early 2000s, it should really be one of those scrunchies made of fake hair.
Here’s a sans-chopsticks Emma arriving at the Met Gala last night, as well as a bunch of other young types. Speaking of things in hair, Selena Gomez put 12lbs of flowers in hers, Zendaya wore a crown, and Justin Bieber showed up with a whole bottle of L’Oreal Kids No More Tangles gel in his.
This isn’t a picture of Justin Bieber celebrating after he beat all the other kindergarteners to the My Size Krystal Princess doll at free play time; it’s actually Justin Bieber crashing the Chatsworth High School prom on Saturday night. Bieber never got to go to his prom, because he was too busy click-clacking and making that money for Scooter Braun, so Chatsworth allowed him to crash theirs. Oooh, what a badass! Nothing says hardcore troublemaker like asking permission from the school before you crash their prom. What’s next? Asking mommy first before you give someone the middle finger? “As long as I get a cheque every month with a couple zeros on it, I don’t give a honk what you do” hollered Pattie Mallette from her solid gold hot tub.
If you’ve ever wanted to see what it would look like if the filmmakers who released the Bigfoot tape also released grainy footage of Bigfoot’s douchebaggy preteen son, then you’re in luck; several students captured Justin’s surprise appearance on video, and they’re about as good as you’d expect video taken in a dark room by a hyper teen would look.
What the fuck is that outfit even though? Come on, Justin – if you’re going to crash a prom, at least pull a Joey Jeremiah and wear a tuxedo t-shirt. Have some respect – it’s the prom!
I can barely remember my prom, on account of the 8 layers of dollar store hairspray I had applied to my hornet’s next (I cannot with a good conscience call what it was a beehive), but I do remember that it made me feel classy as shit and totally grown up. I was like, beep beep, out of my way, I’m grown now; this stop prom, next stop, jury duty and back pills. So I bet Justin thinks he’s a man now, and I’m sure he’ll find a way to bring that up the next time the Justin Bieber Apology Tour hits the Ellen show. “I just want you to know I’m a different person. I went to the prom. The prom is for big boys. I’m officially a big boy now.”
And speaking of blurry, here are some super hi-res pics of JB waving bye-bye and drinking from his sippy cup at LAX yesterday.
Rhoda in The Bad Seed.. Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son…. Damien in The Omen… That corn field wisher in The Twilight Zone… And now you can add Ariana Grand Latte’s name to the list of evil children with hearts made of ice.
When Ariana Grande Latte isn’t powering up her energy bars of evil by picturing her fans dying a slow, painful death, she’s chewing grown men up and spitting them out like Gerber chicken and gravy baby food, which is just gross to her. She’s much more of a Gerber banana strawberry kind of baby. Playgrounds were filled with tears and WHYs a few days ago when Ariana and Big Sean dramatically announced that they are done with each other after 8 long months together. Everyone (aka no one) wondered what could’ve possibly gone wrong between junior high school’s answer to Diddy and JLo?! We FINALLY have answers.
A source (read: Big Sean’s pool noodle dick, because you know that bitch has a big mouth) tells TMZ that it was all Ariana’s fault. Big Sean is currently tagging the words “ARIANA IS AN EVIL BITCH” into the wall of the boys bathroom closest to the gym, because she really gave him the owwies in the heart area. The source says that these are the 3 things that led to the break-up of the century:
1. Big Sean did a show the night before the Grammys last February and it was the biggest night of his career and everyone (including JLo, the Biebs, The Difficult Brown, etc…) was there except for Ariana. She had to study for a geometry exam, or something. No, her excuse was that she had to prepare herself for the Grammys.
2. Big Sean went to see Ariana, like, all the time. He counted and everything. He went to see her 10 more times than she went to see him. Cold, right? Ariana even told him to spend tens of thousands of dollars on taking a private jet to see her. Sean grew up poor and doesn’t like wasting money. He always thought it was real “immature” of Ariana to make demands like that.
3. Big Sean thinks that Ariana is so evil and mean that she purposefully orchestrated that onstage cuddle session with Justin Bieber to piss him off.
What a bitch! I knew Ariana was extra shady when she called out Ruby’s cankles and split ends in front of everyone in third period. I wish it was Valentine’s Day again so that I could send Big Sean an anonymous candy gram to make him feel better. Sending him a candy gram would be a nice change from sending myself candy grams. Did I just say that out loud?
If you’ve ever wondered how douchey you have to be to get kicked out of Coachella. The answer is: Justin Bieber levels of douche.
Seen above making Usher jealous by getting into some kinky More Than Fifty Shades of Douche shit with fellow asshole The Difficult Brown (Note: But Usher shouldn’t be jealous, because that’s how Chris Brown greets everyone.), Justin Bieber was allegedly put in a chokehold by a Coachella security guard while trying to get backstage for Drake’s set. TMZ says that before Madge powered up her energy bars by sucking out Drake’s insides, Justin Bieber and his entourage tried to get backstage but were stopped by a security guard who denied entry to the possessed Baby Alive doll. The security guard told the Biebs that backstage was at capacity. When the Biebs and his entourage showed their VIP wristbands, the security guard still wasn’t having it and shut that bitch down for a second time.
Cry tears of joy for yourself, Argentina, because there’s a warrant out for Justin Bieber’s arrest in your country and so he may never go back again. You’re the luckiest country in the world! Let’s all pack up our shit, learn the lyrics to “Buenos Aires” so we can sing it when we get off the train and head to Ar-hen-tina! Argentina is the new Biebs-free wonderland!
While the caca clump clinging to North America’s longest ass hair and Kendull Jenner are making Coachella even more insufferable than it already is, a judge in Argentina has issued a warrant for his arrest. The minute Justin Bieber steps into Argentina, he’ll be arrested. In 2013, the Biebs and one of his bodyguards allegedly attacked a paparazzo outside of a club in Buenos Aires. The Biebs and his bodyguard left Argentina before police were able to question them. Last November, a judge ordered him to go back to Buenos Aires to face questioning. But since he’s the baddest rebel on the Montessori school playground, ain’t no country going to boss him around. The Biebs didn’t go back, so an arrest warrant has been thrown down. via Reuters
Entertainment website FarandulaShow (www.farandulaShow.com) posted a copy of the court ruling ordering Bieber be detained on its web page. Court secretary Soledad Nieto, a co-signatory of the order paper, confirmed the document was authentic.
“I consider it pertinent to order the immediate detention of the accused,” read Judge Alberto Julio Banos’ order, which is dated April 8.
The court also ordered the detention of one of Bieber’s bodyguards.
Argentina definitely has the right idea and every country on this planet should follow their lead. I’m sure every country the Biebs has visited can find a reason to issue an arrest warrant on his ass (possible reasons: being Justin Bieber, noise pollution, etc…) and if they did he’d run out of places to hide. He’d have to take his ass to Antarctica. No, that wouldn’t be nice. The polar bears already have global warming to deal with. They don’t need to deal with global douching too.
Here’s the escandalo (the video headline writer’s word, not mine) video of the Biebs’ bodyguard smearing that pap in 2013.
No, you’re not looking at a blurry outtake from an engagement photo shoot between My Buddy and a Yasmin doll. It’s actually the swaggy kindergarten classroom hamster known as Justin Bieber making a surprise appearance during pocket-sized yodeling terror Ariana Grande’s show in Inglewood last night. I guess he had too much fruit punch backstage (sugar makes him hyperactive), because he started getting a little handsy with Ariana during their performance of “As Long As You Love Me”. Poor Ariana – it’s going to take at least 3 showers to wash the stank of Axe Jr. Lil’ Spritz off her skin.
Shortly after Justin Bieber started rubbing up on Ariana from behind, some people in the audience started doing the You In Danger, Girl shuffle, because Ariana is currently bumping parts with Big Sean. TMZ says shortly after this all happened, a tweet from Big Sean appeared on the internet that said: “That kid is about to learn not to touch my girl like that. Bieliebe that.” Of course, the tweet was later deleted, and a rep for Big Sean claims it was totally fake because apparently Big Sean and Justin Bieber are friends. Oh no, Big Sean, that’s the sort of thing you don’t admit out loud.
But that wasn’t even the most awkward part of the night, if you can beliebe it (yes I hate myself for typing that):
Okay Justin, we got it – you’re wearing big boy pants now. Put it away.
Here’s more of Justin working some sweet Kids Incorporated-approved moves at Ariana Grade’s show last night, as well as Ariana Grande looking like the grand marshal of a slutty figure skating costume parade:
Comedy Central finally aired their roast of Draco Malfoy’s muggle cousin from Canada Justin Bieber last night, which means we finally got to see if Martha Stewart could roast more than a Thanksgiving turkey. And roast him she did! Not only did she roast him, she stuffed a bunch of sage and breadcrumb truth up his ass and basted him in his own tears. She also took a couple swipes at the other roasters, because Martha knows a good hostess passes her shade around like a plate of exquisitely decorated sugar cookies. People has compiled a collection of Martha’s best moments.
Well, I guess every gang needs their own Anybodys.
Seen above wearing an armpit merkin since Magic Nursery dolls can’t grow body hair, Justin Bieber may have bro fisted and made up with Leonardo DiCatchAHo after the latter cheered and laughed when the former got punched out by beautiful porcelain elf Orlando Bloom in Ibiza. On Saturday night, the leader of the doucheified Brat Pack apparently partied with Leonardo DiCatchAHo at 1Oak in West Hollywood and they were seen leaving together along with a bunch of women. Poor Lukas Haas. He was probably forced to take an Uber because the Biebs’ car seat took up so much space in Leo’s ho mobile.
I don’t understand this. Thanks to that raggedy ass beard, Leonardo DiCatchAHo looks like a creepy drifter who eats earth worms and peeps on ladies squat pissing in rest stop bathrooms, but he can still get ass. He’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo! He doesn’t need the Biebs. Maybe Leo mistook the Biebs for one of the chicks’ kid and he let the little brat tag along since he’s got a supervised play area in his mansion for situations like this. Or maybe Leo’s game is getting a little rusty and he’s hanging out with the Biebs because he knows that ladies love babies. If that’s the case, he should’ve gotten a puppy instead. They’re also lady magnets, but their bark is less annoying than the Biebs’ voice, they’re easier to house train and usually at some point they graduate from humping your leg.
And here’s some Hi-Res, crystal clear pictures of Leo leaving DBA last night with a new set of chicks. The Biebs didn’t come out, because an episode of Nicky, Ricky, Dicky and Dawn he hadn’t seen was on.
File this under both “Things We Don’t Need A ‘New’ Version Of” and “Stop It, You’re Making Judd Nelson Sad“. VOGUE has crowned what they call “Hollywood’s New Brat Pack“, and I want whatever it is Anna Wintour is mixing into her mid-afternoon cocktails, because that bitch is clearly getting next-level drunk. VOGUE’s New Brat Pack includes – and may god strike me down for such blasphemy as writing the following names adjacent to the words Brat Pack – Justin Bieber, Kendall Jenner, model Gigi Hadid, actor Ansel Elgort, and Sean Penn’s offspring Dylan and Hopper Penn. If only there were a relevant image that could accurately describe how I feel about this. Oh, here we go:
Calling this group of questionable no-talents the “New Brat Pack” is the definition of THE AUDACITY. It’s like VOGUE is trolling us in real life (Anna Wintour totally just got her assistant to force the corners of her mouth up into a sly smile). Not to mention that I cannot for the life of me determine who is who. Was there a member of the original Brat Pack who was a hard-core spoiled toddler asshole from Canada? If there was, then Justin Bieber is that one.
Pics: Vogue, Gif: Tumblr