It’s Canadian Thanksgiving today, so I’ve been on my own, because my weekday partner in foolery Allison is busy feasting on maple leaves-stuffed roasted moose before she goes to her nearest Church of Latter-day Skanks to give thanks to a statue of Canada’s pride and joy Justin Bieber!
Madame Tussaud’s in London started celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving early on Saturday when they debuted their latest wax figure of Canada’s most embarrassing herpes outbreak. Madame Tussaud’s dressed their newest Biebs wax figure up like an early-aughts Kevin Federline and gave him a constipated facial expression that’s a cross between “Uncle Usher, you said just the tip!” and the face you make whenever you watch one of his performances.
Madame Tussaud’s also decided to give their waxed Biebs the wet look. That’s actually a smart business decision on Madame Tussaud’s part. They probably had to hire several new janitors to constantly clean their old Justin Bieber wax figure because crazed Beliebers kept covering it with a trail of coochie slobber by rubbing their down-low parts against it. And now that he’s supposed to look wet, they don’t have to worry about cleaning the sticky twat drool off of it. Very well played, Madame Tussaud’s!
“Canada’s Least Wanted” Justin Bieber IS that come-to-life spymaster of our time. The irritating shithead took to the Amsterdam streets sporting Joanne the Scammer’s version of Kris Jenner’s Sunday afternoon wig and a fake goatee. I’m not sure the disguise was necessary, Biebs. I’m not seeing the general public having exited the weed bakery to wait outside your hotel to envelop you on the streets out of sheer lust for your powerful celebrity presence. There’s one guy that thinks it might be you but that Jillian Michaels podcast he’s listening to you is infinitely more interesting.
Justin Bieber has been a famous person for a long time. Sadly, there’s one part about being a famous singer that Justin doesn’t like. Justin doesn’t like fans. He doesn’t like taking pictures with them at concerts or in public. He doesn’t like when they give him gifts. He doesn’t like how they act on Twitter. He doesn’t like it when they try to get his attention at the club. And on Saturday, he gave us a quick reminder about how he feels about them.
And no, calling the fight “tiny” wasn’t a read on his size. It has more to do with the fact that as far as Justin Bieber tough toddler fight attempts go, this most recent one was pretty small.
“Hmmm…that’s odd. I’ve sent at least a dozen dick pics and haven’t gotten a single text back. Maybe her phone crashed from how impressive my big boy parts are. That must be it.”
There are many small joys in this life. One of my favorites is texting someone you haven’t spoken to in a while and getting the “New phone, who dis” text in return. Luckily for Justin Bieber, he’ll most likely receive such a gift the next time he goes to text Selena Gomez. UsWeekly says that Selena recently got a new phone number (EXTRA EXTRA STOP THE PRESSES). But there’s one person she doesn’t want having that new number, and it’s her ex Justin Bieber.
Selena recently took a break from being Selena Gomez to deal with some lupus side effects, so she’s got a lot on her plate. One of the things she didn’t want on her plate was dealing with 1am texts asking “hey u sleepin?” followed by an eggplant emoji. I don’t know for sure that Justin has ever done that, he just seems like the type. Not to mention that conversing with Justin Bieber through a digital device doesn’t exactly seem to end well for Selena.
A source says that she instructed everyone that got her new number “not to give it to him.” It will be interesting to see how long that lasts. Justin probably already has a clever scheme up his sleeve for how to get that number. My tip for anyone in possession of Selena’s new number: If Justin asks to borrow your phone to look up the nearest crappy tattoo shop, don’t give it to him! He’s lying, he doesn’t need a phone for that. Anyone with as many janky tattoos as he’s got can sniff that out like a bloodhound.
Earlier this month, everyone reported that Justin Bieber was maybe-dating Lionel Richie’s barely 18-year-old daughter Sofia Richie. The last time we heard about Justin’s (dry heaves) sex life, he had maybe ditched Sofia for a model named Bronte Blampied. I know you’re all dying to know if he’s still with a person whose name reads like an eye exam test. He’s not. At least not right now. Justin was recently in Mexico with Sofia, and by the looks of the heave-making PDA display they put on, they’re definitely currently a thing.