Comedy Central finally aired their roast of Draco Malfoy’s muggle cousin from Canada Justin Bieber last night, which means we finally got to see if Martha Stewart could roast more than a Thanksgiving turkey. And roast him she did! Not only did she roast him, she stuffed a bunch of sage and breadcrumb truth up his ass and basted him in his own tears. She also took a couple swipes at the other roasters, because Martha knows a good hostess passes her shade around like a plate of exquisitely decorated sugar cookies. People has compiled a collection of Martha’s best moments.
Well, I guess every gang needs their own Anybodys.
Seen above wearing an armpit merkin since Magic Nursery dolls can’t grow body hair, Justin Bieber may have bro fisted and made up with Leonardo DiCatchAHo after the latter cheered and laughed when the former got punched out by beautiful porcelain elf Orlando Bloom in Ibiza. On Saturday night, the leader of the doucheified Brat Pack apparently partied with Leonardo DiCatchAHo at 1Oak in West Hollywood and they were seen leaving together along with a bunch of women. Poor Lukas Haas. He was probably forced to take an Uber because the Biebs’ car seat took up so much space in Leo’s ho mobile.
I don’t understand this. Thanks to that raggedy ass beard, Leonardo DiCatchAHo looks like a creepy drifter who eats earth worms and peeps on ladies squat pissing in rest stop bathrooms, but he can still get ass. He’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo! He doesn’t need the Biebs. Maybe Leo mistook the Biebs for one of the chicks’ kid and he let the little brat tag along since he’s got a supervised play area in his mansion for situations like this. Or maybe Leo’s game is getting a little rusty and he’s hanging out with the Biebs because he knows that ladies love babies. If that’s the case, he should’ve gotten a puppy instead. They’re also lady magnets, but their bark is less annoying than the Biebs’ voice, they’re easier to house train and usually at some point they graduate from humping your leg.
And here’s some Hi-Res, crystal clear pictures of Leo leaving DBA last night with a new set of chicks. The Biebs didn’t come out, because an episode of Nicky, Ricky, Dicky and Dawn he hadn’t seen was on.
File this under both “Things We Don’t Need A ‘New’ Version Of” and “Stop It, You’re Making Judd Nelson Sad“. VOGUE has crowned what they call ”Hollywood’s New Brat Pack“, and I want whatever it is Anna Wintour is mixing into her mid-afternoon cocktails, because that bitch is clearly getting next-level drunk. VOGUE’s New Brat Pack includes – and may god strike me down for such blasphemy as writing the following names adjacent to the words Brat Pack – Justin Bieber, Kendall Jenner, model Gigi Hadid, actor Ansel Elgort, and Sean Penn’s offspring Dylan and Hopper Penn. If only there were a relevant image that could accurately describe how I feel about this. Oh, here we go:
Calling this group of questionable no-talents the “New Brat Pack” is the definition of THE AUDACITY. It’s like VOGUE is trolling us in real life (Anna Wintour totally just got her assistant to force the corners of her mouth up into a sly smile). Not to mention that I cannot for the life of me determine who is who. Was there a member of the original Brat Pack who was a hard-core spoiled toddler asshole from Canada? If there was, then Justin Bieber is that one.
Pics: Vogue, Gif: Tumblr
Seen above doing her best impression of Canada’s King Joffrey trying to rap like the big boys he sees on TV, Emmy Rossum made an appearance on SiriusXM’s Sway in the Morning on Wednesday and she admitted something that made me instantly feel so so bad for her: that her next-door neighbor is Justin Bieber. It all happened when Emmy was asked to describe the one thing she’d do over in her life if she could, and it sounds like she’s about to say “I would live anywhere but next to that brat Justin Bieber“, but instead she told the story of the day she met her new neighbor. Warning: noxious levels of douchery ahead.
Once Emmy discovered that Justin had moved in next-door, she decided to do the good neighbor thing by going over to his house to introduce herself and say hello. Unfortunately, she didn’t get very far because she was stopped by his army of bodyguards, because Justin Bieber is far too important to say hello to the chick from Shameless. Also, he was too busy trying to act tough: according to Emmy, Justin rolled up in his Bentley and and started rapping along to the baddest song on his Kidz Bop CD:
Emmy also says she doubts she’ll be invited to any of Justin Bieber’s clubhouse ragers because she’s 28-years-old and that’s probably too old. I don’t know about that – he’ll definitely want an adult on hand to help him use the oven if he decides his party needs some Totino’s pizza rolls.
Here’s the Mrs. Wilson to Justin Bieber’s Dennis the Menace arriving at LAX yesterday:
“Oh, aren’t you just the sweetest little boy! Go into Granny’s purse and grab yourself a piece of candy. I hope you like sugar-free peppermints!” Although this is technically Madonna we’re talking about, so it was probably more like “How old are you? 21? Cool. Go into my phone and leave your contact info, k? And tell the other boy holding my phone that he’s been replaced.”
Madonna made an appearance on Ellen today to promote her latest album, and for some reason Justin Bieber was there too, because I guess Ellen DeGeneres is his after-school baby sitter now. Justin is still trying to show everyone he’s a good little boy, so instead of kicking his feet against his chair and groaning “THIS IS BOOOORING” while the adults talked, they kept him busy by playing a game of Never Have I Ever and talking about whether or not Madonna would date him. Warning: if you have a vivid imagination, the video below might cause your brain to start creating some truly not-right mental images.
Then after the show was over, she added 8 layers of NO to the situation by Instagramming a picture of Justin planting a pablum-scented kiss on her cheek backstage. Ew. I don’t know what’s grossing me out more; the thought of Justin Bieber pressing his lips into one of those cheek implants or the throbbing fame whore boner Madonna got after she realized how much social media attention she’d get from posting a picture of Justin Bieber mouth-humping her face.
But to be honest, if anything is going to fix Justin Bieber’s spoiled brat ways, it would be sending him to the real-life reform school that is dating Madonna. Madonna takes zero bullshit. I’d give him 2 weeks of not speaking till he’s spoken to and sitting back in coach with the capes before he finally breaks.
And Now For The Time A Messy David Arquette Tried To Fight Justin Bieber During His 21st Birthday Party
On Saturday night, juvenile delinquent Pizza Party Kevin doll Justin Bieber celebrated turning 21 years old, and even though he’s a big boy now, he did have a clown at his birthday party, and Page Six says that clown was David Arquette. Shortly after Justin filmed his Comedy Central roast, he flew to Las Vegas to celebrate his birthday at the Omnia club with his nearest and douchiest, one of which was Omnia co-owner David Arquette, who got next-level messy and tried to fight him.
According to a party guest, it all went down at the afterparty in Justin’s hotel suite when a “pretty messed up” David was heard talking shit about Justin Bieber behind his back. Maybe David got confused and thought they were still at the roast? Anyway, when Justin heard that David was saying not-nice words about him, he and a friend kicked him out. Somehow that crafty cravat-wearing weasel got back in and bum-rushed the birthday boy in an attempt to take him down. There was a bit of a scuffle before David Arquette was finally thrown out for good.
There is so much about this dramatic situation that I don’t understand. Why the hell was 43-year-old David Arquette at Justin Bieber’s 21st birthday party? I know he sort of owns the club, but still – if that isn’t the definition of “I make poor life choices“, then I don’t know what is. Also, why would he follow Justin Bieber to the afterparty if he hated him so much? I’ll never understand that. One time this trick came to my birthday party and told me “You know, I didn’t even want to come” and I was like “This isn’t a hostage situation with cake, bitch, you can leave anytime you want.”
David, I know the siren song of free booze and pizza is strong, but sometimes it just isn’t worth it! Here’s David just before he went HAM on the red carpet at Justin Bieber’s birthday party:
I always thought that anyone watching those Comedy Central roasts knows to leave their pearl clutching pearls in the jooree box, because pretty much anything goes and many of those hos who take the mic are out to shock and offend. I mean, during the Pamela Anderson roast, evil bitches made fun of God’s spirit sister Bea Arthur and I thought that was against all laws of everything. But I guess some jokes are too much for Comedy Central. During Saturday night’s taping of the Justin Bieber roast, which was the latest stop on his “I Swear I’m No Longer A Split Open Anus Wart” tour, seasoned roaster Jeff Ross and SNLer Pete Davidson both made jokes about Paul Walker’s death, because Ludacris, who’s in those Fast & Furious movies, was there. The Hollywood Reporter says that the jokes bombed and Ludacris was pissed. Here’s two of the jokes:
“‘Move bitch, get out of the way!’ is what Paul Walker should’ve told that tree. Too soon? Too fast? Too furious?” – Jeff Ross
“Just this past year, Justin got arrested for drag racing. Unfortunately, it wasn’t with Paul Walker. What? He’s doing great! He’s got a movie coming out!” – Pete Davidson
Jeff Ross also told a joke about Pete Davidson’s firefighter dad dying in the World Trade Center attacks, but these are the jokes that made Comedy Central hit the TOO FAR button. Those jokes won’t make the cut when this mess airs later this month. Comedy Central burped up this statement:
“Roasts often push the limits of good taste and we give the participants full rein to try things knowing we have the edit to shape the show. Sometimes the line is discovered by crossing it. The Paul Walker references will not be in the telecast.”
Jeff responded to his Paul Walker joke getting cut by making what sounds like another Paul Walker joke: “I was so in the moment, I don’t know what jokes hit.”
Since Comedy Central is editing out stuff they think is too offensive and crosses the line, I’m guessing they’re going to completely edit out Justin Bieber and his drowned long-haired guinea pig hair. Because his entire existence is offensive to humanity.
The poor soul who does PR for Canada’s perpetually constipated-looking preteen hamster boy, Justin Bieber! Congratulations, whoever you are – you really outdid yourself this time. Justin Bieber’s I’m A Big Boy Now tour is still making stops in whatever town will have him, and this time he’s proving he’s a big boy now in Men’s Health magazine. Yes, you read that correctly. Not Boy’s Health or Douchey Spoiled Brat’s Health, but Men’s Health. Does anyone have a dictionary handy to double-check that the definition of the word men is still the same and that we didn’t wake up in some upside-down opposite world this morning?
Justin also brought with him his in-house de-infant Photoshop team to make him look extra buff in the body, and it looks like they worked out whatever kinks they had during his CK training pants campaign (crotch bulge shadows look off, face still looks like child), because I almost believe he no longer has the body of a malnourished baby squirrel. Justin also wants you to know that along with his buff new body, he also has thoughts.
I know, I didn’t know that hanging around your house being an obnoxious spoiled toddler hamster was something you could be too busy at either. But TMZ says that Justin Bieber, seen above killing some time in the “Mommy Section” of a department store apropos of absolutely nothing, is claiming he’s too busy to make a court appearance on March 20th.
The knee-high shame of the north needs to appear at a hearing in Miami because he’s being sued by a pap who claims one of his bodyguards roughed him up back in 2013. But Justin has asked the court if they can do that shit over Skype, because he’s too busy, and if that excuse isn’t good enough, he’s also saying money’s too tight for him to fly there. Justin claims he’s working on a new album of auto-tuned toddler yodels, therefore his schedule is full and he won’t be able to make it in person.
Then someone probably told him to beef up his excuse a bit, so he added on the part about it being too expensive. Justin says it will cost him over $68,000 to fly him and his entourage on a private jet to Miami, and that it wouldn’t be worth the money. Of course, a judge called bullshit on that little brat’s excuses and told him he better call up the Roaming Gnome and book a flight for March 20th. Although why do I get the feeling that sometime around March 19th that soccer injury is going to mysteriously start acting up again.
Justin Bieber Says He Couldn’t Complete Any Of His Community Service Because He Busted His Foot Playing Soccer
When itchy butthole Justin Bieber was caught egging his neighbor’s house like a punk toddler back in January of 2014, he was sentenced to 12 anger management classes, 5 days of picking up trash and cleaning up graffiti, and paying $80,900 in damages. He has currently completed 9 out of the 12 anger management classes and paid the cash, but he hasn’t done anything about his community service. My guess is because he was too busy shooting diaper commercials and/or he thought he was too good for picking up trash (ironic, really). But according to his lawyer Shawn Holley, it’s because baby had an owie on one of his feetsies that prevented him from getting it done.
TMZ says Shawn Holley spent Tuesday morning in court crying on behalf of her client and explaining to the judge that Justin suffered a foot injury during a soccer game while he was on vacation in Turks and Caicos last month. That sound you just heard was every dad type yelling from the garage “So? Your hands still work, don’t they? Quit your bellyaching and start picking up that trash.”
But technically it might be the truth. Last month, Justin posted a picture of a busted bruised foot to his Shots account. I’ve hidden it after the cut, because it looks like Frankenstein’s boner after taking an expired Cialis (aka weird and gross):