Somewhere out there, Ghouliana Rancic is cackling and saying, “I may not have won the war, but this battle is mine!” And while I hate to side with her, I will gladly share in her joy today. The toddler that just won’t go to his room no matter how many time you scream “TIME OUT!“, Justin Bieber, made eyes roll and nearly get stuck up there when he stepped up his bad boy game by getting dreads. Well, the world is a little less douchey today because he shaved them off.
The two lab creations, Kendall and Kylie Jenner, are the ultimate goal for all the poor, unfortunate, empty headed youngins’ out there who stare into the Instagram abyss and long to be… FAMOUS. So naturally, companies are snatching them up left, right and center to plug their shit. Kendall is the Fashion Barbie of the two, so she’s got the magazines and billboards, like Calvin Klein. But Calvin Klein, the man, is not interested or impressed by her or the ads.
I mean, not a lot better, since we all know her vagina craves douchebag-flavored dick. But at least better than professional headache Justin Bieber. So remember back in October, when the Kardashian sister that most closely resembles Kim’s original body and face, Kourtney Kardashian, was seen slinking out of a club with Justin Bieber? And then two months later a rumor started going around that the two were doing it regularly? Well according to People, it’s still going on.
A source tells People that soon-to-be 37-year-old Kourtney and just-turned 22-year-old Justin have been “hooking up on and off for a few months now.” No one can really know for sure whether or not Justin and Kourtney are friends with-I-wouldn’t-call-humping-on-Bieber-a-benefit. But this might explain things for Justin’s on-again/off again girlfriend Selena Gomez if his dick has smelled like laser-fried cooch recently.
I’m all for anyone getting it, whatever “it” does it for them. But to quote the great Tommy Lee Jones, I cannot sanction your buffoonery, Kourtney. Justin may be 22, but his brain can’t be more advanced than that of a 16-year-old high school drop out. And you know that would carry over into how he has sex. I bet he calls it “gettin’ nasty“, will only do it on the couch in her rec-room after putting Family Guy on mute, and only pulls his boxers down to his knees. If Khloe really wants to save someone, she should swoop and save her sister. At the very least, someone needs to teach her how to love herself.
Here’s Kourtney with the other children in her life, her actual children Penelope and Reign, leaving some singing class in Beverly Hills yesterday.
While pop trick Katy Perry was off trying to be a country trick at the Academy of Country Music Awards in Las Vegas, the ex-Princess Buttercup of Country (no offense to Princess Buttercup or country) Taylor Swift was off being a pop trick at the iHeartRadio Awards in Los Angeles.
I didn’t watch that shit last night, because I decided to watch some real entertainment (see: Dolly on the ACM Awards, the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion and Golden Girls reruns) instead, but apparently Try Hard Barbie and her boyfriend Try Hard Ken were the insufferable queen and king of the iFartRadio prom. Taylor won an award for Best Tour and when she accepted it, she pretty much pulled out a paper bag book cover, wrote the name “Adam Wiles” (cool DJ name: Calvin Harris) on it and then drew a pink Sharpie heart around it.
“Yeah, my mom and dad are away for like a week. But they’ll be cool. Like, it’s my hair and shit,” probably said Justin Bieber when his friends showed up to see the totally awesome dreads he got. The male version of a Lifetime movie about an out of control teen took to his Instagram to show off his latest *rebellious* style choice. Is it just me or do they look hella fake? Like clip in fake. Like Claire’s Accessories discount section fake.
Always one to prove just how bad ass he is, despite going from making music for toddlers to making music for basic bitches that omg just love to drop molly, the Biebs has stepped his grunge game up with this look. Making it more badass and throwing caution to the wind is the fact that he probably had it done by a fancy hairstylist that charges more than your worldly possessions are worth. Don’t you just love Biebs’s brand of bad boy? Drive to the salon in your expensive lady sportscar, sip an iced tea latte in your designer clothes, talk about how much you love to blunt and smoke blunts, play your hottest track and walk out with a controversial hair style. He’s more Real Housewife at this point than bad bitch. I’m getting serious Erika Girardi/Jayne vibes from his level of style team foolery. In response to his caption on the above picture, “Why”, I’ll just say that it’s too late now to say sorry, you’ve upset all of us. Again.
Pics: Justin Bieber’s Instagram
Which makes this the first time in recent memory that the words “hard-working” and “upstanding” were used to describe Justin Bieber. Last week, Justin Bieber dramatically collapsed onto his Marshmallow flip-open sofa and declared that he’d no longer be doing VIP meet-and-greets with fans during his Purpose tour because it was too emotionally draining. Unfortunately, people who paid $2,000 for a meet-and-greet were told they would not be getting a refund on unless they also gave up their ticket. So they came to a compromise; for $2,000, they could all stand in the same room as Justin.
As it turns out, standing in a room was also too much work for Justin. According to The Mirror (via NME), fans who paid $2,000 to meet-and-greet Justin at his shows in Las Vegas last weekend got to meet-and-greet a life-sized cardboard cutout instead. However, Justin did manage to get in one in-person VIP meet-and-greet last weekend, with Wayne Gretzky and his wife Janet.
However did a lucky fan like Wayne Gretzky manage to score a meet-and-greet with the elusive Justin “No More Pictures” Bieber? TMZ says that unless you’re one of Justin’s friends or a famous person, your chance of meeting-and-greeting Justin Bieber are about as thin as the teen ‘stache on his upper lip. So basically, if you paid $2,000 to meet Bieber, you’re probably going to get the 100% recyclable equivalent. But if it makes you feel any better, meeting a vacant, unresponsive cutout of Justin Bieber is pretty damn close to meeting the real thing.
Speaking of hanging out with famous people. Here’s Justin Bieber hanging out at a club in Las Vegas with DJ David Guetta after one of Bieber’s shows last weekend, as well as Justin looking like meth-warmed-over while leaving a club in Hollywood last night.
Even though that picture looks like it was shot by Patterson-Gimlin and developed by Mr. Magoo in the trunk of a car, it only took me about 0.3 seconds to spot Selena Gomez. Because if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s recognizing people who should love themselves enough not to go to a Justin Bieber concert. Okay sure, that’s technically everyone in the picture above, but in this case, it’s specifically Selena Gomez.
That little girl was probably so disappointed when she was told that she wasn’t hugging on a life-sized animatronic version of her favorite toy, a blond monchhichi, but something called a Justin Bieber.
Seen above looking like he’s in the middle of getting meth baby’s first haircut at Supercuts, Justin Bieber has dramatically announced that he just can’t go on with doing meet-and-greets after his shows anymore. Many pop tricks do a special and expensive ass meet-and-greet with fans before or after their shows, because they want that MONAY. And they know that some of their fans are insane enough to pay for that shit by secretly taking out a second mortgage on their parents’ house, selling contraband soda to little kids on the playground at school (Thanks [Michelle] Obama!) and/or smearing dirt on their faces to get coins while pretending to be a homeless orphan outside of Targets. The VIP package on the Justin’s “Purpose World Tour” cost fans either $900 or $2000. That $2000 package used to include a ticket to his show and a picture with him, but not anymore.
Here’s Justin Bieber and Marilyn Manson posing for a selfie while looking like they’re starring in an awareness campaign for an organization called Big Brothers for Lil’ Douchebags.
Justin, who looks like a bootleg Aaron Carter doll in that picture, announced his random-ass friendship with Marilyn Manson yesterday on Instagram. Justin captioned the pic: “Night out in la with the boys.” Yeah, about that. I don’t know what age Marilyn gave when during his initiation into Bieber’s Boys Club, but they might want to take a closer look at the date on his driver’s license.
That’s not a picture of the friends Justin Bieber pulled a drink-and-dash with. At least I don’t think it is. I mean, forget about engaging in some bad kid brat shit with him – most of them look like they don’t even really want to be seen on stage with him.
Regardless of who helped him, TMZ says the ringleader was Justin Bieber and that he can now add Bar Tab Bailing to his bad boy resume. The soggy Coffee Time cruller was in Seattle, WA preparing for the opening night of his Purpose tour. A source tells TMZ that on Sunday night, Justin and seven of his friends went to a bar called The Whisky Bar. Justin and his friends ordered a round of $15 whiskey shots. Just think of the muscles that were pulled halfway to death while Justin tried desperately not to make an “Ew, yucky” face after tasting whiskey for the first time.