If you need something maple syrup-flavored to lift your soul a bit after watching that depressing video of a dehydrated Meat Loaf wilting on stage, Justin Bieber has provided you with that. When Meat Loaf collapsed in Alberta, the universe probably screamed, “Shit needs balancing in Canada,” and so BOOM went the Biebs in Saskatchewan.
While struttin’ down the stage during his show in Saskatoon last night, the Biebs was too busy fixing his ~*~fashun~*~ to notice the open trap door in front of him and in his little ass went. Don’t worry, no Canadian toddler pop stars were injured in the making of this laugh. The Biebs jumped back out and said he was all good. That bitch ass trap door can’t keep a badass down for long!
No word if that trap door opened up by itself because it wanted to get revenge on Justin Bieber for refusing to give it an autograph earlier.
But what I really want to know is, what in Gymboree Eminem Kurt Cobain Grunge HELL is that boy wearing? See, parents, this is why you should never let your kids pick out their own outfits. They end up leaving the house (or in this case, the dressing room) looking like the least popular member of Scotland’s #2 grunge-themed bagpipe band.
Veruca Salt’s even-brattier Canadian cousin Justin Bieber is really mad about some stuff that was said about him on the internet, and in a shocking turn of events, it has nothing to do with people calling him shit like Veruca Salt’s even-brattier Canadian cousin. Justin is so mad about a fake-sounding story that was published on HollywoodLife that he’s trying to get them shut down. It’s the Nick Jr. version of Hulk Hogan vs. Gawker.
Yesterday, we were gifted with a schadenfreude-filled video of Justin Bieber flexing like the hardest toddler at the indoor playground while attempting to fight a stranger in Cleveland after game 3 of the NBA Finals on Wednesday night. The circumstances of the fight were all kinds of vague; all we really knew was that Justin went for a dude three times his size and got laid the fuck out. Well, the dude who whooped his ass has spoken about the situation and has filled in the blanks for us.
The Baby Brother Tommy doll that was possessed by a Summer’s Eve bottle learned a really, really important lesson in Cleveland last night. Bitch learned that he should never try to fight a trick unless he’s got several of his big bad bodyguards around to do the beating for him, because he has the fighting skills of a Furby with a half-dead battery in it. The first rule of Toddler Fight Club for Justin Bieber is to not do the fighting himself, because it doesn’t end well.
I know that grainy picture looks like it was taken with a hidden camera stolen from the set of What Would You Do? with John Quiñones, so allow me to explain what you’re looking at. The surprised one in the hat is one of the music industry’s most prolific hookup artists, Rita Ora. The dude in a hoodie giving you douche vibes to the right of her is Justin Bieber. As if I had to tell you; I’m sure you could spot his patchy lil’ teen boy lip hairs a mile away. And according to TMZ, they’re on a date. Or at least whatever Justin Bieber’s idea of a date is, which looks like eating food and acting like a dumbass in front of the paps.
One day after his ex was spotted at a club with sensitive Canadian Drake (who Hollywood Life claims Justin “warned” her about his player ways), Justin and Rita were seen at a club in Hollywood. They left together in Bieber’s pow-pow-Power Wheels at around 2am and drove to an all-night diner. No word on what they did after that, but my guess is either sex, or hitting up a 24-hour Rite Aid to discuss their favorite brand of cheap hair bleach.
I mentioned earlier that Justin was acting like a dingleberry in front of the paps that were waiting for them outside the restaurant. As you can see below, Rita walked in like a normal person. Meanwhile, Justin swaggered in with his hoodie zipped up around his face, with one hand pointing at the paps and the other on his pee-pee. If these pictures had sound, I’m sure Justin would be saying: “You, move. Justin had too many big boy drinks at the club and need to make tinkle.”
Sorry to do this to you, but this one’s about the world’s sulkiest toddler, Justin Bieber. It’s also about that one kid that was always talking about taking speed but you knew he’d never even had a sip of beer, Skrillex. And their song ‘Sorry‘. So, yeah. Sorry. Justin and Skrillex are not only guilty of unleashing that ‘Sorry’ mess on the world, they may also be guilty of stealing. Toddler’s first shoplift!
“Are you there God? It’s me, your greatest creation-shit, straight to voicemail again, yo!”
With help from a bunch of dancers wearing what looks like hospital gowns designed by Yeezy, Justin Bieber performed on the Billboard Music Awards, and he also won Top Male Artist. (“Top? Blehehehehe,” laughed Usher.) But even though Justin Bieber got a brand, new shiny award, he left the Billboard Music Awards feeling all empty inside. Today, the Biebs sharted up a “Dear Diary” entry on Instagram about award shows and it seems like he just realized 3 things that most of us have known forever:
- Award shows are pretty meaningless and are mainly just fluffy entertainment for those of us who need a reason to booze it up at home on a Sunday.
- Many tricks in the audience at an awards show are there because they’re a camera whore. (And because there’s an open bar involved, but mostly because they’re a camera whore.)
- Those of us who watch at home grade, judge and rate every performance.
The Biebs just figured this out and it has hit him hard. It’s as if he just found out that Santy Claus is not a real thing. (Note to The Biebs’ parents: Wait until next Christmas to tell him the truth about Santy. He’s already been through enough this year.) The Biebs “Deep Thoughts” message is after the cut, and he pasted it under a picture of the Rock of Cashel Castle, because again, he deep.
Sorry, Argentina. I’m sure you really wanted to see Justin Bieber’s “I need to make pee pee” dance moves, but it’s not going to happen any time soon. Earlier today, Joel Osteen Jr. took advantage of Tim Horton’s generous free WiFi to tweet a tour update. The South American dates for Bieber’s Purpose World Tour haven’t been announced yet. But according to Justin, it doesn’t matter how many people scream “COME TO BRAZIL’S NEIGHBOR!” at him on Instagram, his lawyers have recently told him that he won’t be going to Argentina.
In other Canadian news, Justin Bieber is continuing to lose his mind. Sorry, I mean find himself, define his boundaries, discover himself… or something like that. I’ve got to hand it to him, he’s doing an amazing job playing the part of the out of control child star. He’s hitting all the right notes: temper tantrums, edgy hairstyles, a face tattoo! We now find ourselves at the part of the story where religion and spirituality get dragged into it.
The last time we checked in with Justin, he had put up a note on Instagram saying he is no longer taking photos with fans. Now TMZ is reporting that according to some source type, Justin is not in fact heading to a padded cell, he’s just super into God and nature. I feel for God. She – Yes! She! It’s 2016! – is always having the worst of the worst implicate her in their nonsense. If I had a dollar for every time she’s said, “Don’t look at me! I have nothing to do with this,” I’d be a very rich man.
Justin was recently seen doing his best Eddie Murphy in Holy Man impression when he was spotted walking around Boston barefoot and sitting in a tree. He was by himself and tried to make friends with a squirrel and generally commune with nature. TMZ is saying that he’s shifting because his Purpose tour has rattled his brain and left him needing to center himself with, I imagine, a lot of saying “namaste” and shambhala bracelets. Emphasis on the sham. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll take this all the way and move to a Tibetan monastery and take a vow of silence.
Justin Bieber won’t take pictures with his crazed fans who paid a giant chunk of money to do so after his shows, so of course he’s going to stop taking pictures with them for free. The Biebs announced on Instagram today that he feels like an animal trapped in a zoo and he will no longer grace his fans’ iPhone cameras with his face. He is done. Meanwhile at the Bowmanville Zoo in Toronto, that poor tiger is lying in its cage and thinking to itself, “Stupid douche, now you know how my ass feels!”