Patti Malette, the woman who so generously donated Justin Bieber’s punk ass to the world did a Twitter Q&A Sunday last night according to EOnline. I was hoping somebody would troll her ass hard when someone asked what she would say if she could go back and give advice to her teenaged self but nobody stepped up to the plate to say “quadruple my birth control”. THANKS A LOT, GUYS.
Patti said she is very proud of Justin and that his first word was “money” (can you go to hell for thinking a baby is a douchebag because I’ll see your asses there if the answer is yes) and that she doesn’t like his tattoos or the “I made doody” face littering his Instagram (she didn’t really say that but we’re all thinking it), among other things.
When one Twitter user asked Mallette if she’s excited at the prospect of having grandchildren, she replied, “Ahhh omg could u imagine me a Grandma already!? Hopefully that’s a long way in the future!“
From your mouth to God’s ears. I still can’t wrap my head around Justin wetting his dick whistle and when I really want to hate myself, I picture his encounter with the Brazilian hooker and imagine it was all confusion and rearranging of limbs and a lot of apologies, kind of like when I go to step over my dog and she stands up when I only have one leg over.
Mallette added that it was “very hard” raising Bieber as a single mom in Canada. “But I reached out for help, prayed a lot, read parenting books & did my very best to be the best mom I could be.“
Well, Patti, I hate to break it to you, but you either needed to go-go-Gadget the fuck out of your arms, pray harder or read more parenting books because your son is a prick. News.com from Australia says Justin reported called a fan a “beached whale” at Perth’s Hyatt Regency hotel and said she should go on the Biggest Loser. Patti needs to come get her son (if she hasn’t already called slick bitch no takesie backsies) and give retroactive parenting a shot. It’s never too late to get a second chance to fix the fuck up you raised. I’ll even donate the wooden spoon for the secondary ass whooping if Michael K.’s abuelita supplies the chancla!
“And the Academy Award for Most Creative Way to Market Drugstore Perfume That Smells Like Cat Urine goes to…”
Cancel your trip to MoMA and throw out that Banksy coffee table book you stole from your dentist’s office, because Justin Bieber’s short film for his new perfume The Key is all you need to know about art, film, culture, hair, and pacing so slow you’ll convince yourself you’ve had a stoke.
If you can get past the blinding lens flares and high art birds (“Don’t drag us into this” – those birds) you’ll get to the slow-roasted meat of this WTF sandwich. What the hell is going on at the 1:12 mark? It looks like a little boy waking his mommy up from a nap (“SpongeBob is over, I’m ready for my juice now.”) 2:09 isn’t any better; I’m not sure who’s lips those are, the random girl’s or Justin’s (just kidding, they’re obviously Bieber’s). And don’t get me started on 3:o1, where Justin feeds that poor girl a macaron; I got the creeps so hard, I felt like I was being ghost-molested. And to whomever was assigned to sexing-up Bieber into a fiery ball of testosterone: you failed. Justin Bieber looks about as butch as a delicate porcelain rose petal; after a while I thought I was watching a trailer for Blue Is The Warmest Color 2: Fancy Lesbians in Paris.
Seen above in a picture from the future taken at Justin Bieber’s Scientology baptism ceremony (I won’t tell you if you’re right or wrong if you ask me if that’s the jizz of Xenu covering them), Will Smith and the Biebs are apparently mentor and mentoree and every week they shoot the shit (shit being the key word) about life before Will asks him if he has any naked pictures of Usher (for mentor purposes only).
In a way too long damage control piece for The Hollywood Reporter, Justin’s manager Scooter Braun (yes, that is the name of a grown adult man and not Nickelodeon cartoon character) says that Marky Mark, Eminem, Oprah, fellow douche Adam Levine and Tom Hanks have all offered to counsel the douche rash on humanity, but Will Smith’s the one who gets his ear every single week. The Hollywood Reporter just had to add a little note saying that the Biebs and Will never talk about the words of L. Ron Hubbard. Uh huh, and John Travolta isn’t getting the thetans on his b-hole popped by a male massage therapist as I type this.
But the most present mentor is Will Smith. Braun tells of a particularly tough time for Bieber around the time he returned from his world tour in May that prompted the movie star to drive to Bieber’s house and pull him out of bed for a three-hour talk. Bieber’s reaction, according to Braun: “He said, ‘Man, that makes me feel so loved. I woke up, and there’s Will Smith, one of, if not the, biggest movie stars on the planet. He took time out of his day for me.’ ”
Now, Bieber and Smith have a weekly call to go over any potential issues, emotional or otherwise. (Scientology has never been discussed.) At the same time, Braun adds of Smith, “He’s telling me: ‘Justin’s got to go through it. You can’t stop him from going through it. That’s youth in itself. He’s a young man who’s growing up, and that’s what makes him interesting and relatable. Otherwise, he’d be some kind of weird robot.”
I was starting to think that Will Smith recruiting Joffrey Bieber into Scientology isn’t that bad of an idea, but then I realized that would be the worst idea. Those crazy bitches at Scientology believe that when it comes to toddlers, you should just let them do whatever they want, when they want it and how they want it. That’s some anti-abuelita shit right there. Justin Bieber becoming a Scientologist would be a disaster. They’d let him really go crazy. That would be like dropping Rob Ford and Brooke Mueller into a fully loaded crack house together. That would be like giving Suri Cruise a black AMEX and sending her into a Barney’s alone. Civilization would burn to the ground, so it’s best if the Biebs stays away from Xenu.
And here’s proof that Will Smith is a shit mentor. The Biebs had this to say to THR about his “haters.”
“I don’t give a fuck. Not ‘I don’t give a fuck’ to just be reckless and do whatever, but ‘I don’t give a fuck what they say.’ … I know who I am and what I’m doing in my life and what I’ve accomplished and continue to accomplish as a performer, as a writer, as an artist, as a person, as a human being. I’m happy with the man I’m becoming.”
That first part reads like the official Scientology parenting motto. And the second part should’ve been auto-corrected to “douche delusions of grandeur” when I copy and pasted it from The Hollywood Reporter. Some wonderful mentoring by Will Smith!
And here’s Will’s son Jaden Smith looking like a young Whoopi Goldberg while on a date with KylieKendallWhatever Jenner.
Make your amends, settle your debts and kiss your grandma goodbye, for the end is fucking nigh.
People is reporting that Oxford Dictionaries has declared “selfie” as it’s Word of the Year for 2013. As attention whores everywhere celebrated by taking at least a dozen in their bathroom mirror, everybody who actually has a friend to take their damn picture for them looked for a window to Morgan Freeman themselves out of.
“Selfie” beat out “twerking” for the title, proving that the paradigm shift to everybody being a special snowflake and deserving a trophy for participating has come around full circle and kicked us all in the ass. Previous Words of the Year include “bailout”, “default” and “occupy”, all relating to major political or economic issues. You know your short list is complete shit when everybody loses no matter which options wins. (Side note: Kanye has already drafted an all-caps letter to Oxford demanding to have his creativity recognized and nominating “architected” for next year’s honors.)
Here’s a gallery of celebrity pics if you want to take a moment and say, “fuck you very much” to the best of the worst- Kim K., Rihanna, Miley, and HRH Prince Douchecanoe of Selfie (aka Justin Bieber). The ONLY person who should get a pass on the selfie is this lady. Her game is so on point I can’t even hate.
(Photos: Twitter and Instagram)
I’ve never taken Justin Bieber seriously a day in his professional life. Like many, I spent the first part of his rise to stardom thinking he was Hilary Swank. I was introduced to the obsession plaguing young girls after a friend’s daughter came to a party at our house where she said my garlic bread was so good, she had Bieber AND garlic bread fever. I even threw my husband a Justin-themed party for his 33rd birthday as a joke because I’m a giant asshole like that.
I’ve always considered Justin’s face to be one only his mother, a million girls who don’t know better and the back bumper of my minivan could love, and now, thanks to Hookergate, my attention is being redirected to the nether Bieber-region as if there were a john’s hand pushing my head down toward it. Along with not being able to get behind his work, now I’m being forced to imagine him having sex, which I liken to being as awkward as my incestuous, lesbian dogs look when they’re trying to lick each other’s faces at the same time.
“It was delicious. It was super delicious because not every day do you get to be with someone famous, especially someone like him. He’s a love of a man! A cutie patootie!”
When asked if he is well-endowed the woman simply responded that he was “average.”
Damn, Justin. If anybody has the right to judge dick it’s a professional, but it still has to sting that your $500 couldn’t even buy you “bigger than average”.
Now let’s turn our attention to Tatiana Neves, the woman who brought us the YouTube video of wittle Justin going nigh-nigh. After playing coy in an interview on Globo TV’s Fantastico, she turned around and told The Sun (via USWeekly) more details about her night with him.
“Take it from me, he’s well endowed — and very good in bed,” Neves is quoted as telling the Sun. “A man must know what to do to make me happy — Justin did all that and more.”
“It was one of the best moments in my life. It was marvelous and unforgettable,” she says. “He has quite a fit body and he looked great naked.”
No, no, no, wrong, NO, WRONG! “Delicious” was bad enough. “Marvelous” and making us picture his scrawny ass naked is unforgivable. Obviously, the money Tatiana received was enough for her lie her ass off about Justin’s skill set and equipment. No matter how many women slither out of the whore woodwork, I will never believe his shit doesn’t look like Franco’s thumb dick.
Here are some pictures of demure blossom Tati Neves looking like she’s ready for bible study class and not at all like she’s about to hit the ho stroll or French the friend she’s with for $20 while a bunch of horny men look on.
And Here’s A Video Of Justin Bieber Sleeping After Spending The Night With A Girl In Brazil (UPDATE)
So much for that “confiscating cell phone” rule. Here’s a video that showed up on YouTube of the permanent itch on humanity’s ball sack Justin Bieber dreaming of bottomless janitor buckets while a Brazilian girl, who may or may not be one of the hookers he picked up from that whorehouse, films him on her cell phone. The cackles did not stop coming out of my mouth when the camera whipped around and she blew a kiss at him. The Biebs thinks he’s fully grown now, but he’s not since he obviously doesn’t know about one of the most important grown up rules in life: “Kick your trick out right after the fuck times is over and give them a moist towelette to wipe their fuck parts with as they walk out the door.”
I was beginning to think that she was just the au pair and after Justin woke up from a night terror, she patted his wittle head until he we went mimi’s again. But then I saw this tweet that’s supposedly from the girl who filmed a sleeping Biebs.
— gaby del campo (@gabydelcampo) November 7, 2013
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I was wondering why she looked so satisfied. It obviously wasn’t from the dick. It was because she got paid. And now she better go down to the clínica gratuita (that’s “free clinic” in Google Portuguese), because she’s probably got a serous case of Bieber Fever (which is way worse than Chlamydia).
UPDATE: The Daily Mail says that the girl’s name is Tati Neves and she’s not a pussy peddler. The source claims that Tati was one of 10 girls that Justin brought back to his villa in Rio to party with. The Biebs fell asleep and Tati filmed him. And some have pointed out that she doesn’t have a wrist tattoo like the ho in that tweet does. I slowed down the video and looked for a tattoo on that girl’s wrist. I didn’t see one. So the chick in the video and the ho flashing that money she claims she got from the Biebs are two different people. And yes, this is my life.
via Reddit (Thanks to everyone who sent this)
After being voted Pop Star Preschool’s ‘Baddest Bitch’ (it was a private election with one ballot turned in), Justin Bieber has been caught displaying the same behaviors as most toddlers. Pushing back against the rigors of toilet training by peeing somewhere other than in his BabyBjorn potty chair. Being carried by a grown up when he’s tired of walking. Enjoying the comforts of being wrapped in his woobie and taken to the car after a fun-filled “playdate”.
The Daily Mirror (via Radar) says a group of girls went with him to the mansion he rented in Brazil, and that Justin’s answer to previous leaking of his poor choices during free time was to have his handlers confiscate phones. His new circle time friends also had to pick their favorite Mr. Sketch scented marker to sign non-disclosures.
“We all had to sign contracts saying we wouldn’t take any photographs and if we did we agreed not to publish them,” Marina Binimeliz told the U.K.’s Mirror. “I was only given my phone back when I left. I tried to take a picture of the contract, but they whipped the phone out of my hand before I could do so.”
Binimeliz said that she and nine other women accompanied the “Baby” singer to the property, where his people had set up a banquet of items such as “peanuts, Doritos, crisps, chicken nuggets” and “lots of chocolate,” some of which was consumed by the singer himself.
“I saw Justin stuffing himself with Toblerone,” she said. She added that the house reeked of marijuana, though she didn’t see the Canadian star himself partake in any.
She said Bieber got caught up in the heat of the moment, at one point jumping onto one of the mansion’s walls and yelling, “I’m the king of the world!”
Nine girls and all he does is eat a candy bar and pull some lame ass Jack Dawson move?? Somebody must have neutered him during a diaper change if his shit didn’t just fall off thanks to an infection passed from a Brazilian hooker.
Back in my day, losing phone privileges meant I had to go a week without huddling against the wall of my mother’s kitchen, twisting the cord around my fingers until it left marks while trying to hear my friends over Matlock reruns in the background. These days, it means handing your phone over for a night to save a self-aggrandizing fucklet the embarrassment of getting caught eating his dinner on a divided Elmo plate before disappearing with a group of girls to play M*A*S*H and Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Board.
(Pic via Splash)
It’s not Charlie Sheen, because his house is already a brothel and he doesn’t need to fly all the way to Brazil to buy some coochie. It’s not John Travolta, because it’s a brothel full of pussy peddlers and not dude massage therapists with strong stomachs. It’s the hooker-loving Biebs!
The Brazilian site EGO and Page Six both have pictures of Usher’s godchild covered in a blanket and trying to stealthily sneak out of a brothel in Rio de Janeiro with help from his two buff bodyguards. That picture. It looks like a still from a gay ghost porn. That Bieber ghost is getting the boos fucked out of his butt while he gets ready to toss that other dude’s salad. That lady in the glasses is wondering why in the hell she’s in the middle of this mess.
Page Six says that paps in Brazilian received a tip that Justin Bieber, his friend and his bodyguards visited a popular coochie palace. The Biebs was inside for three hours before he left in a genius disguise. The paps ID’d the bodyguards as members of the Biebs’ security team and Page Six says that it’s obviously him since his ugly wrist tattoo was visible in a few of the pictures. The Biebs’ mom also confirmed (no, she didn’t) that that’s the blanky he cuddles with every night.
As the Biebs tried to sneak out, one of his bodyguards pulled some golden showers shit by throwing water at the paps. The Biebs left with two girls from the brothel and went back to his hotel, but his hotel later kicked him out (probably because he brought hookers back to his room). Page Six points out that prostitution is legal in Brazil, but brothels are not.
Yeah, I know Justin Bieber could easily get himself a truck full of girls to do every single night for free, but maybe he’s into some seriously kinky, dirty, filthy, dark-sided, rosary-clutching shit that no girl would do for free. And by “kinky” shit I mean watching his movie and holding him while telling him that he’s the strongest, baddest, hardest, little pop star in the world. Even the most crazed Belieber won’t do disgusting shit like that for free.
(Pic via EGO) (Thanks Lígia!)
The minute I read about Justin Bieber’s latest display of Muppet Babies Bad-Asserry, I threw up my arms in a manner identical to this GIF and knew that today was going to be a tough one for me. As one of you guessed yesterday (due to my butchering of the word ‘neighborhood’) I am a Canadian person. As such, for the past 4 years (or however long this misbehaved come-to-life Kewpie doll has been terrorizing culture) I have had to constantly apologize for Justin Bieber. So I’ll begin the same way I do any time the words “Justin Bieber” are mentioned: I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. Canada is so sorry.
So what has Justin Bieber done this time to prove to us that he’s a Class-1 Bad Boy? According to TMZ, Latarian Milton’s #1 Fan asked his bodyguard to go to the art store and buy him some spray paint (because you have to be over 18 to buy spray paint. “Shhhh! They don’t have to know it’s for me! I’m so bad!” – Justin) so he could express his feelings regarding Chris Brown’s trip to rehab through graffiti. Bieber’s really crummy-looking message of “FREE BREEZY” (which sounds like the Dollar Tree version of Febreze) was sprayed on a wall in Bogota, Colombia (my 3rd Grade Pen Pal lived there; her letters were sad) where street art is permitted, but you know he would have done it anyway even if it was illegal, because he’s so TOUGH.
Not being content with his eye-rolling defence of The Most Arrogant Man in the World (“I don’t always try to beat the shit out of people, but when I do…oh wait, no, I’m constantly trying to beat the shit out of people”) Justin Bieber embarrassed himself even further by spray painting a pot leaf with a maple leaf inside it and a tribute to his dead hamster, Pac. In case you were curious as to what that deafeningly-loud whoosh of air you just heard was, it was me releasing the most I Can’t-sounding sigh in the universe.
Justin Bieber is probably on Wikipedia right now editing his page to include ‘graffiti artist’ in his never-ending list of occupations. Fun fact! Along with Singer-songwriter, Musician, and Dancer, he also includes Actor (EXCUSE ME??) and Investor (HOLD LE PHONE). I think you now understand why I get tired of introducing myself as: “Hi, I’m Allison, and I too hope that one day Justin Bieber gets deported.”
There is one hero in this story and, no, it’s not the decaying body of Pac (who is breathing a sigh of relief up in Hammy Heaven and telling Saint Squeaker “Thank god I’m finally dead”). It’s whoever wrote ‘Chicken Shit’ underneath Justin’s ‘FREE BREEZY’. I don’t know if they were referring to Chris Brown or Justin Bieber, but either way, I need to hunt them down like the Predator and give them a giant hug.
(Pic via TMZ)
A Panamanian pussy peddler calling a Canadian fetus “daddy” is probably all you need to put on a snorkel and dip your entire head in a huge pot of boiling ammonia. I’ll join you in a second.
The Panamanian newspaper Cronicas (via Gawker) supposedly talked to a prostitution whore-ah who supposedly boned Justin Bieber after meeting him at a club in Panama City last week. The hooker, who wouldn’t spit out her name (because nobody wants to admit to fucking the maple syrup jizz out of the Biebs), said that she and 9 other ladies went back to his hotel at around 3 in the morning (aka waaaay after his bedtime). Biebs and the hooker smoked a little weed, he made out with her “nose and face” and then he asked her the most ridiculous and romantic thing he’s ever asked a Panamanian hooker:
“Me decía en inglés que si quería todo su semen, pero yo no entiendo inglés.Mi compañera me estaba traduciendo.”
Translation: “He asked me in English if I wanted all of his semen, but I don’t understand English. My friend was translating.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA. I love how Justin Bieber acts like he can actually produce semen. I also love how she’s got a translator with her. Any good international hooker should have a translator on hand who will pop up between her and her john to let her know that he wants to give her some jizz.
She went on to say that they fucked for about an hour, he had her in all kinds of positions, his dick is medium-sized, the sex was amazing and he came on her tits. Afterward, he gave her $500 and drove her back to the club. She didn’t go to his concert the next night, because: a) she had already been humiliated enough and; b) she had to work and she “was with him, which is much better than a concert.”
It’s hard to swallow this story (I will never forgive myself for that pun), because I can NOT believe that the Biebs is “amazing” at sex and can go for an hour. I’d believe her if she said the sex was awkward, his bodyguards had to carry him into her pussy, he lasted for about 15 seconds and afterward, he told her to stroke his hair while he sucked his thumb and silently weeped to himself. He gave her $500 and a bonus after he shit the bed while they spooned. That’s the only story I’ll believe.
And here’s Papacito Bieber performing in Puerto Rico over a week ago.