First things first, we need to talk about whoever at Billboard is responsible for that wonderful Usher pun. Usher in a new era. I love you. Your muffin basket is in the mail.
Usher recently spoke to Billboard about the tiny Canadian terror toddler he released into the world (aka Justin Bieber), specifically how their relationship has changed over the years. You see, when Usher first went to Canada to adopt the unruly gerbil, it was more of a big brother/little brother relationship. Usher took Justin under his wing and showed him the ropes. But then Justin turned 12 (or however old he is) and became a little shit, and started doing hoodrat stuff with his friends. Usher says that now that Justin has grown, their relationship is more “man-to-man” now, which has ushered in a new era where he ain’t afraid to whoop a trick if he steps out of line:
“He’s making his own decisions and it’s important to show support. I can say I’m not happy with all the choices my friend has made, but I’m supportive of him. I try my hardest to give as much positive reinforcement as I can. I’ll punch him in the fucking chest when I need to, and give him a hug and kiss when I need to. It’s more than just mentoring. I love the kid.”
I wonder which Justin likes more, getting a hug and kiss or taking one of Usher’s fists? My guess is the hug and the kiss, especially if they come with a lullaby sung through Usher’s beautiful dog whistle voice.
Either way, Usher and Justin’s new relationship sounds like some low-budget Beyond Scared Straight shit, and it kind of reminds me of the time I watched two teenage dirtbags attempt to fight each other at the end of my driveway. They started by blowing each other very aggressive air-kisses, which escalated to staring furiously into each others eyes, which escalated to one hissing “puta!” and poking at the other one’s chest. This went on for about 10 minutes and literally not one punch was thrown. It was so weird. Shit, maybe that was actually Justin and Usher! One did have a patchy little teen ‘stache.
Paris Fashion Week is happening right now (RIGHT NOW! GET IN THE CHOPPAH!), which means that lots of famous hos have flown to France for the week. Obviously when there are that many famous people in one place, you’re bound to bump into someone you share a penis ride or two with. For example, the most common words spoken backstage at every fashion show are “You let Leo DiCaprio drunk-bang you on a yacht too?” And sometimes if you’re really lucky, there’s a photographer close by to capture the awkward moment two side-pieces are forced to pretend they don’t totally hate each other’s guts. Like on Wednesday, when toddler-faced panty model Miranda Kerr ran into toddler-faced singer Selena Gomez at the Louis Vuitton show. It’s like the basic bitch fetus-faced version of “The Boy Is Mine“!
In case you’ve forgotten, shit is toddler-tense because Miranda once maybe-humped on come-to-life teen ‘stache Justin Bieber while he was maybe still with Selena, so she decided to get revenge by maybe-humping on Miranda’s ex-husband Orlando Bloom. Then Orlando tried to fight Justin at a club in Ibiza. Basically it was a four-way loser square of losers (especially Orlando, who should have gone into witness protection after getting involved with this trash). But just like every bad decision that comes back to haunt your ass, Justin and Orlando’s former drama-starting side-pieces crossed paths in Paris. And God sent us an angel from Heaven to capture it forever, because God is clearly real and loves us very much. The only thing that would have been better is if Justin (who is in Paris right now) had been at the Louis Vuitton show too, but he was too busy punching paps like the spoiled baby shitbag he is.
Besides, he probably would have been too smitten with the toddler-face in the middle (aka Odeya Rush from The Giver) to even notice Miranda and Selena. “Scooter! Bring my Power Wheels around to the front of the hotel and have the good people at Charles E. Fromage prepare my table with their most expensive bottle of sparkling grape juice. I believe I’ve found a new fetus-faced angel to woo.”
Here’s more of Selena and Miranda before their show-down at the LV show:
Today, all of our thoughts about a topless Justin Bieber are best expressed through Lara Stone screaming, “don’t look down, DON’T look down,” on the inside.
The Kid Sister on HGH doll made an appearance at Fashion Rocks on CBS last night and when he sashayed out onto the stage to introduce a performance by Rita Whora with model Lara Stone, some people in the audience greeted his ass the way everyone should greet him: they slapped him down with a wave of BOOOOOOOOS. Most toddlers would bust out a silent cry before melting into a puddle of rejection if they were booed, but not the Biebs. The Biebs pulled off his blazer from Gymboree’s Miami Vice Collection and stripped down to his Calvins. Those are the weirdest diapers I’ve ever seen.
The good news for all of us is that the Biebs wore boxers briefs instead of tighty whities. I don’t think any of us were built to take in the image of Justin Bieber’s camel toe. Some people continued to throw boos at the Biebs, but some sucio bitches who should be arrested screamed and their loud screeches are still echoing through the Barclays Center this morning. Workers are cursing those nasty whores as they scrub the stickiness from the floor.
One time while waiting in line at McDonald’s (that is going to be the title of my memoirs, FYI), there was a lady a couple of people in front of me with three brats who were screaming at the top of their lungs and acting like hyenas on speed. They were running around and the mom was on the verge. The mom’s two boys started slapping each other and as she tried to break them up, her little girl started taking off all her clothes. The mom saw what was going down, screamed and covered her daughter with her body while running off to the bathroom. That’s what Lara Stone should’ve done. Lara should’ve screamed, covered Justin’s body and pulled him to the bathroom. But instead she just nervously giggled while waiting for Chris Hansen to show up.
The clip of this mess is below (click here for a clip where you can hear the boos more clearly):
Those grown man moans… I didn’t know Bryan Singer had such a deep voice!
Pics: Getty, Splash
Literally every American is screaming “QUICK! CLOSE THE BORDER!” at this very moment. And I’m eye-shanking all of you, because it looks like that little shithead is our problem once again. According to CBC News, Canada’s crown prince of shitty spoiled asshole behavior Justin Bieber has once again proved what a shitty spoiled asshole he is by crashing his ATV into a minivan and then picking a fight with the driver on Friday just east of Statford, Ontario. Caillou’s rotten cousin was taken in by police and charged with assault and dangerous driving, but he was released on the promise that he appear in a Stratford court on September 29th. How Canadian, right? “We’ll let you go if you pinky-swear to come back.”
Bieber is currently on probation for egging his neighbor’s house, so he could be majorly fucked. But speaking as a Canadian person with a basic understanding of the legal system (thanks to reruns of Street Legal), that lil’ asshole will probably get off with barely a slap on the wrist. He’ll be sentenced to a 12-pack of maple-dip donuts and asked to be more careful next time before the judge musses up his hair and tells him: “Get on now, scoot! And stay outta trouble you little scamp!” Then Stratford will declare September 29th Justin Bieber Assault Day and everyone will get the day off work. No, that won’t happen – I’m sure the people of Stratford hate him just as much as the rest of North America. But they do have this weird sort of pride for him, so who knows?
But getting arrested in rural Ontario after crashing your ATV into a minivan and instigating a fist-fight with the driver? Even Ricky from Trailer Park Boys is like “Damn, that’s trashy.”
Justin Bieber was on his way back from another try at beating Chipmunkra’s score at Down the Clown at Dave & Buster’s when some amusing pap rear-ended him. Dickus noted the photographer following him and hit the brakes, getting rear-ended. This went down on Tuesday afternoon in West Hollywood.
Yes, I find his Ferrari being dinged by a Prius induces chuckles. He’s like the villainy cunt in every bad teen movie from the 80s, caring only about himself and his bitchin’ ride and he should be called Chet. Or Chad. Something “CH-.” You just want him to end up wedgied or covered in horseshit or taped into a gorilla suit by the end of the movie. This post just got really kinky.
Justin Bieber (seen above trying for “sexy” and ending up with “shart”) has been feeling very liberated after shaving his poopstache so he allegedly tried to grab a cellphone off a guy at Dave & Buster’s in Hollywood last night.
TMZ reports that Asshole and his on-again/off-again girlfriend Chipmunkra (Selena Gomez) were hanging at the chain restaurant/arcade when another patron reportedly started clicking away at them on his phone. Justin refused to be snapped losing to his piece at the giant Connect Four game so he went for the dude’s phone. His security held him back, someone called the authorities, and his ass left before they got there. I hope someone mopped his prize tickets and used them to buy some gum Serves him right. (I never win enough tickets at that bullshit so I always end up getting gum or a plastic bird you can whistle through after adding water.)
Justin Bieber, the creature you’d get if scientists cross-polinated Kevin McCallister with his asshole older brother Buzz, decided he was done looking like the dirtiest dirtbag in the 7th grade and finally shaved off those disgusting 15 or so hairs that were living on his upper lip. Thank you, Justin Bieber! I no longer have to worry about opening up the internet and seeing pictures of that awful stomach-churning sun-bleached facial hair, which means I can finally stop working with a barf bag beside my computer. #blessed
Justin proved he’s the baddest ass on the playground by Instagramming a video of himself getting to use daddy’s shave cream and a totally-real grown-up razor (not the pretend one that came in his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles play shave kit) to prove that, yeah, he’s a big boy who shaves his face now. “And guess what? Scooter Braun promised me that later this afternoon he’ll take me to Walgreens and I can pick out a deodorant. U jealous??”
I know Justin and his Joe Dirt Jr. facial hair had a special bond and all, but it really was time to let it go, especially since it doesn’t really fit in with Justin’s new high-class club manager lifestyle. Radar says Justin just rented a home in Los Angeles, but he doesn’t plan on ever moving in his Little Tikes sports car bed or any of his Transformers; he’s using it to get drunk and throw parties. The $29,000/month home has 10 bedrooms, pool, spa, gym, and a night club. The owner of the home tried to sell it, but when nobody bought it, they started renting it out for shows like American Idol and Playboy TV’s Swing (so you know it’s classy as shit).
Anyways, here’s a post-shave Justin Bieber looking like he’s auditioning for the role of Dani Campbell in a Lifetime biopic about Tila Tequila.
No, you’re not looking at a baby chipmunk searching for acorns hidden under the hat of a come-to-life Cherry Merry Muffin doll (you’re right; he is really more of a Banancy). It’s actually a picture of human messy hangover shit Justin Bieber and toddler-faced bad decision maker Selena Gomez acting like a set of dumb delinquent babies at a bible study on Wednesday night. Yes, apparently they have bible study for children now. If I had to guess, it’s probably shit like “A is for Apple, the fruit given to Eve by a snake. B is for Baby, born in a manger. Can you find baby Jesus sleeping in the manger? Very good!” followed by a couple episodes of Veggie Tales.
According to The Mirror (via Daily Mail), Justin and his on-again/off-again girlfriend arrived late to the bible study at City Church in Los Angeles on Wednesday night, because they had to get all their pre-teen hornies out first. Justin Instagrammed (then quickly deleted) a picture of he and Selena looking like they’re auditioning for a shitty remake of The Bodyguard before joining everyone else in the church, and a source claims that once they finally made it inside:
“The pair sat next to each other while partaking in Bible study and seemed very close. They then left together in Bieber’s car. Justin looked really comfortable with Selena as he still thinks their bond is unbreakable and knows that Selena will always love him.”
Selena Gomez doesn’t need a bible study, she needs a damn exorcism! If that toddler-faced trick has crawled back to Rosemary’s spoiled asshole baby, then we’re going to need an old priest, a young priest, and a priest familiar with spoiled demon brat dickmatization! It might not be too late to save her before she starts muttering nonsense (“I love that thin patchy dirt ‘stache of yours, Justin!”) and crawling down the stairs backwards.
Pic: Daily Mail (via Instagram)
Oh Shit, Does This Mean That Sinead O’Connor Is Going To Write A Million Open Letters To Justin Bieber?
Last year, difficult brown crusader Sinead O’Connor put on her Captain-Save-A-Ho hat and tried to “rescue” the horny chipmunk lizard Miley Cyrus from the evil pimp record executives who were slutting her out and pulling her strings to make her twerk on Robin Thicke’s ass and thrust her suffocating crotch in everyone’s faces. It didn’t work. Miley called Sinead “crazy” and Sinead went full crazy by shooting out a river of a whoreophobic open letters to Miley. Well, Sinead is back and during an interview with Magic FM (via Contact Music), she said that not only are girls being sexed up to sell records. Sinead said that it’s happening to the boys too and she brought up Justin Bieber’s name. I can’t wait to see what kind of shit-embedded jewels the Sinead vs. the Beliebers Twitter war will bring.
“I think that people focus an awful lot on the female aspect to this, but it is also the males. The very young male artists who are practically children or look like children are also being sexualized. Justin Bieber is a great example. When he came along he was only 16 years of age. Obviously he was extraordinarily talented, so I’m not trying to negate that, but he was very much being sold on his sexuality.
Britney Spears, of course was quite inappropriately young to be sold in that way, dressed up in a school uniform. But I think that really people forget that the guys are going through it as well, and I think that is quite important.What concerns me is that the audience of these artists are children themselves. The children are being sexualized too early and both the male and female sense of worth is focused on the way they look and whether or not they are attractive to the opposite sex.”
If Sinead wants people to take her words seriously and not throw her a “Um, are you okay, bitch?” side-eye, she should probably stay away from saying insane things like, “Justin Bieber is extraordinarily talented.”
When the destructive viral strain known was Justin Bieber was first exposed to the world, I thought his people marketed him as a come-to-life Precious Moments figurine who was as pure as a virgin angel’s twat. I don’t know if they sexualized him, but let’s go with it anyway. Let’s say that Usher, Scooter Braun and Justin Bieber’s douche parents sexualized a singing toddler to make that money. Chris Hansen needs to tell them all to have a seat and they need to pay for their crimes. Throw them on Death Row, burn all of the Biebs’ music and confiscate all the money that was made from sexualizing a baby. You know, Sinead might be on to something.
Here’s some pictures that I missed from earlier this year of Sinead posing with popcorn at a movie premiere in Dublin while dressed like a mobster’s mistress at a funeral.
One is an inspirational activist who kept fighting for every girl’s right to an education in Pakistan even after the Taliban tried to assassinate her. The other is an oozing rash on humanity’s ballsack who regularly terrorizes ear drums with his music and picked a fight with the most beautiful lady elf of the Woodland Realm. And because the world has to keep showing us that “fuckery” is alive and well, the two spent a few minutes together on the Internet.
The NYDN says that Justin Bieber’s people set up a FaceTime meeting with Malala Yousafzai, because he could really use some good PR and his first choice, Anne Frank, wasn’t available for a FaceTime session for some reason. The Biebs posted a picture from his and Malala’s FaceTime conversation on Instagram and said that he can’t wait to meet her in person to talk about how he can help her foundation.
As you can tell from the “POSTED JUSTINS NUDES” comment, the Beliebers are really interested in Malala’s story and I’m sure they showed their support for her by tweeting her words like: “U n dat alice fRanklin gurl betta sty uhway frm mi MAN or ill beet uz both!!!!!”
And what’s really surprising is that Malala was able to stare at Justin Bieber’s smug twat fart of a face for that long and didn’t punch her screen once. Somebody give her deityhood already. Her compassion knows no bounds!