Richie Rich’s bratty new-money Canadian cousin Justin Bieber learned a very valuable lesson last Christmas: if you act like a shitty little asshole all year, Santa will put your ass on the naughty list and stuff your stocking full of reindeer turds and dry cleaning coupons. So to make sure he doesn’t get put on the naughty list again this year and ensure that Santa brings him the Pooch Patrol he wants, Justin Bieber is doing everything he can to convince us he’s no longer a lil’ asshole troublemaker, including filming a creepy video (in what appears to be a crawlspace or the bottom of a well or the only room in his clubhouse without a working light) claiming that he’s not a lil’ asshole and he never was – he was just pretending to be a lil’ asshole.
Justin Bieber filmed this video shortly after the Justin Bieber: I’m A Good Boy Now tour made a stop at Ellen for the taping of Ellen DeGeneres’ birthday episode yesterday and a clip of him acting all weird and awkward like a guilty toddler hit the internet. But Justin says he was just nervous because he was afraid people would be at home judging him and he didn’t want to come off “arrogant or conceited”. Yeah, too fucking late.
He also got all ~deep~ by talking about how he’s done “pretending” to be someone he’s not, and that he’s not actually an awful come-to-life canker sore. Basically, the brat that terrorized 2014 was actually just Justin’s interpretation of a brat. According to Justin, the real Justin is “kind and loving and gentle and soft”. I knew it! I knew he was technically still a baby! Here’s lil’ baby Justin on Ellen making strange with Ellen and making me want to barf by talking about his CK baby bits ads:
File this under: “What could possibly be the easiest roast of all time“, Comedy Central has confirmed that their next roast will be that of petite poo-poo potty stain Justin Bieber. Ryan Seacrest sort of spilled the beans on Twitter last night, but I guess Comedy Central was still waiting to get the ok from a pediatric psychologist before agreeing to make fun of a child. Justin expressed his excitement for his upcoming roast by asking an adult to help him spell some big words on Twitter this morning:
You hear that kids? Act like a good little boy all year, and Santa might bring you a new bike. Act like a spoiled brat all year, and Ryan Seacrest will give you a 1-hour special on Comedy Central. I think we can all agree that Ryan Seacrest should just bite the bullet and change his Twitter bio to “I put assholes on television“. NO! That’s not true; he gave us the top shelf Champale of television, Shahs of Sunset, and for that we should be forever grateful.
But I wonder who they’re going to get to roast Justin? Pretty much everyone on television, the internet, and in real life roasts him on a daily basis, so they’re going to have to dig deep to find people who have some real roast-worthy dirt on the Tiny Terror of Nap Time. I’m guessing the dais will include Justin’s nursery school teachers, the monkey he left in Germany, Lil Za (he needs someone he can pay to say something nice), and Jeff Ross, because Comedy Central can’t legally call it a Comedy Central Roast if Jeff Ross isn’t involved.
And Comedy Central should probably put in a call to Kate McKinnon now to make sure she’s available the night of the roast, just in case taping runs long. You can’t legally keep child on set for too long.
Somewhere in a Little Tikes Climb & Slide Castle, Justin Bieber is holding a meeting with his lawyer Teddius Stuffington, Esq. to discuss last night’s on-point Saturday Night Live commercial spoofing those busted black and white Calvin Klein ads. “They’re just jealous haters. Can we sue them for being jealous haters? Think about it and get back to me – I want to watch Bubble Guppies before my nap.”
Because no one has gotten tired of laughing at Justin Bieber in his underoos trying to act like he just discovered his first pube, SNL put Kate McKinnon a pair of CKs, gave her a bunch of shitty tattoos, and let her drag him to hell. Seriously, I know we all joke about how perfect Kate McKinnon’s Bieber is, but that bitch does a better Bieber than Bieber himself. Justin, take notes – this is how you butch it up. Also, claps for Cecily Strong, who was able to totally nail Lara Stone’s “Do I seriously have to babysit this rugrat?” face.
“Yo, my pipi’s in there” might be the most Justin Bieber-y thing Justin Bieber has never said. And here’s some fun trivia for you: the rolled-up t-shirt Kate McKinnon used to stuff her crotch is the same one used on set by Justin Bieber to stuff his. NO! That’s not true at all. Kate used a much smaller rolled-up t-shirt.
But Kate McKinnon wasn’t the only one serving up “I’m not sure what I’m looking at” realness; Sia was the musical guest on last night’s episode of SNL, and it was all kinds of WTF. Sia has said before that she suffers from stage fright, so she performed wearing what looked like a pair of black frilly panties over her face while the Gummo girl from “Chandelier” danced around her. Later she was accompanied by a weird mime. Eh, still less disturbing than a filthy Shia LaBeouf in a pair of grimy beige underwear.
Calvin Klein should gently remove his face from in between his latest boy toy’s ass cheeks and put his teeth back in to smile at and clap for the marketing genius who probably “leaked” those “fake” un-retouched pictures of Justin Bieber in the CK chonies ad, because we’re still talking about that shit.
If Justin Bieber’s lawyer Theodore Boone files that stupid lawsuit against Breathe Heavy for claiming that Hugh Jackman’s arms and Jared Leto’s Praetorian Guard’s helmet dick were Photoshopped onto the Biebs’ body, this picture will be his Exhibit: A. The Biebs Instagrammed this picture that looks like something that would come up if you opened Grindr while in the Ninth Circle. The Biebs added a comment where he pointed his finger at Photoshop and laughed at it. Photoshop responded by throwing a side-eye while saying, “We both know the truth, bitch.”
And here’s a side-by-side if you truly care:
I don’t even know why some of these tricks bother burping up evidence that really proves nothing. Somebody get Detective La Toya on the case, because I don’t even know what I’m looking at. Justin Bieber’s proof picture looks like something you’d find if you searched the #BabyCarrotWednesdays hash tag on Instagram. If I have to look at and think about Justin Bieber’s peen for another minute, I’ll have to pour a mixture of Ajax and bleach into my ear hole and shake my head around to cleanse my brain, so let’s just give this to him. You win, Justin Bieber. You’re as hung as an Argentinian Blue-Billed Duck after using a dick pump.
During his vacation on the island of Parrot Cay in Turks and Caicos, UsWeekly says the busted human-sized blond Quints doll known as Justin Bieber ran into a living corpse guzzling booze at a beach bar that turned to Justin and shouted “Who the fuck are you?“. Justin, proving he knows bad words too, replied “I don’t know, who the fuck are you?“, to which the man replied “You’re a man. I respect that” before walking away.
Of course, that drunk man wasn’t just some random come-to-life decomposing Halloween decoration; it was famous come-to-life decomposing Halloween decoration Keith Richards, something Justin discovered when another old man approached him and told him “Keith Richards wants to have a drink with you.” So Justin made his way over to Keith’s table for a drink. That’s when a source (one of the bedbugs who lives in Keith’s eyebrows) claims the following happened:
“Justin tried to bro down with him,” a witness says, adding that a seemingly unimpressed Richards told the star, “Let’s get one thing straight. You’re a wannabe.”
That’s when Justin laughed a hearty HA HA HA HA before belting out “Yooooooo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want.” No, he didn’t, but I bet he was thinking it (he’s definitely the Baby Spice of friends).
The source then went on to say that Justin and Keith sat talking for a bit before exchanging numbers so they could keep in touch. Justin reportedly called it the “best night ever”. Probably because he just got higher than he’d ever been in his life off of the words coming out of Keith Richards’ drug-scented mouth hole.
But we never really find out what Keith Richards meant when he called him a wannabe. Maybe he was predicting two weeks into Justin’s future, when he’d be mistaken for a “butcher version of Miley Cyrus” as he accidentally crashes a Log Cabin Republicans meeting on Monday night. Then again, that doesn’t make sense, since we all know Miley Cyrus is technically the butcher version of Justin Bieber.
Justin Bieber And Calvin Klein Really Want You To Believe He Wasn’t Photoshopped To Death In Those CK Ads
The jubilant sound of HAHAHAHAHAHAs filled the air yesterday as an alleged unretouched photo from Justin Bieber’s Calvin Klein sexy toddler training pants campaign leaked onto the internet and we all got to see just how much Photoshop it takes to turn a bratty preteen ferret into a buff bratty preteen ferret. However, one person was not laughing, and that somebody was the bratty ferret himself, Justin Bieber.
According to TMZ, Justin’s team (who I like to imagine is just his loser dad texting from a pile of Molson empties beside the pool) has threatened to sue the website that released the pre-Photoshop photo, BreatheHeavy.com, for defamation unless they remove the picture. They claim the pic of his teeny weeny peeny is fake and “damaging” his brand. Rugrat, please – your brand is so damaged, you could find it in the As Is section of IKEA.
Calvin Klein has also come to his defense by Tweeting the above not-shopped picture of Justin stripped down to his naptime shorts at Fashion Rocks in September. Notice how they chose a picture where you can’t make out his crotch area? I see you Calvin Klein.
Even though he’s about 2 bad investments away from an appearance on Dancing with the Canadian Stars, Justin Bieber currently still has the kind of money that could sue your ass into the ground, so it should come as no surprise that BreatheHeavy.com yanked the pic and issued an apology. They also say that Justin Bieber’s trainer Patrick Nilsson can confirm that the Justin does, in fact, have junk in the front trunk:
“I can definitely confirm that he is a well-endowed guy. I sound weird saying that, but yes.”
Somewhere in a random beige kitchen, Chris Hansen just pushed out a chair for Patrick. And it’s not just Justin’s bulge that needs defending; Calvin Klein has also told UsWeekly that he was a perfect gentleman on set who totally didn’t hit on model Lara Stone like a horny teenager the second his balls dropped. Well, that one I do believe. If sex ed has taught me anything, it’s that you have to have hit puberty first before you start getting the hornies.
When Justin Bieber’s Calvin Klein underoos ads hit the internet on Tuesday, I think we can agree that our eyes were assaulted by two things: the face of a bratty toddler trying desperately to look “all growed up”, and Photoshop. So much Photoshop. It was so cartoonish, I was convinced Justin was just standing behind one of those old timey muscleman cut-outs at the beach.
And it looks like everyone’s Photoshop suspicions might have been right, because according to BreatheHeavy.com (which appears to have crashed) this is what Justin looked like before Calvin Klein dry fucked Adobe Jr. to hell and back. They claim (via Page Six) that they received a couple SANS ‘SHOP pics like the one on the right from someone who worked on the CK campaign. Said source also described Bieber as “basically a douche” who kept hitting on model Lara Stone until she made a crack about him being a “child”. The source goes on to say that during the shoot, Canada’s shame kept mentioning that he wanted them to make him look “taller and buff”. Awww that’s cute. I think we can all remember being at that age where you stand on your tippy-toes every time your mom goes to measure your height against the wall because you want to look soooo big.
A larger (HA!) pic of Justin Bieber’s before shot is after the cut, so grab your magnifying glasses and let’s Inspector Clouseau this shit:
Speaking of a little bag full of grapes…… Actually, that fake bulge looks more like a small bushel of plastic baby bananas wrapped in cheese cloth.
So After months of rumors, the marketing department at Calvin Klein showed us that they’ve gone completely crazy by releasing pictures of the half-broken Vanilla Ice Pez dispenser in their new campaign for Calvin Klein underwear. Justin Bieber twatted out three pictures from the panties campaign that is marketed toward I don’t even know who. In these pictures, it looks like they took the head of a My Buddy doll and put it on the body of a hunchback He-Man action figure that’s covered in overused scratch ‘n sniff stickers. Since they were heavy with the Photoshop, couldn’t they have Photoshopped away his constipated smolder? No, they couldn’t do that. That’s his signature. It’s not a picture of Justin Bieber unless he looks like someone just walked in on him taking a shit in a public bathroom.
And since this baby douche is the new ass of Calvin Klein underwear, I’m assuming that all of their chonies now come with a potty flap on the butt to make poopy times easier. I’m sure that was the Biebs’ idea.
There’s two more pictures after the cut including one with Lara Stone that’s supposed to give us Marky Mark and Kate Moss vibes, but it looks more like a grown woman trying to give the Heimlich to a confused toddler.
According to Page Six, Michael Jackson might want to take a break from teaching Jesus how to moonwalk in Heaven, because his son Prince is up to some hoodrat shit and needs a good ghost slap upside the head (don’t worry, ghost slaps don’t hurt). A source says that 17-year-old Prince Jackson has been seriously fucking up his ability to choose non-asshole friends by hanging out with trash brat Justin Bieber and his reading-challenged boxer mentor Floyd Mayweather Jr.. I believe that’s what is called a shitty influence sandwich.
Prince Jackson and Canada’s shame apparently live in the same Calabasas neighborhood, so they started hanging out with each other and are possibly “making music” together. I’ll go ahead and assume that’s a euphemism for something else, since we all know Justin Bieber doesn’t make music, he ruins it. The two are also hanging around Floyd Mayweather Jr., who is acting like a low-budget Oprah to the two by giving them life advice about lots of things, including women. Yes, Justin Bieber and Prince Jackson are getting lady advice from convicted lady beater Floyd Mayweather Jr. (I guess Mike Tyson and the ghost of Ike Turner were busy).
Prince Jackson currently gets $66,000 a month from his father’s estate, and something tells me that might be one of the reasons Justin Bieber has made him his new best friend. That shady toddler knows he’s one more private jet purchase away from doing Bad Boy commercials in Canada, so he decided to start surrounding himself with people who can afford to pick up the tab at Chuck E. Cheese every once in a while.
Ugh, this is all such a huge bummer. Hangin’ with Justin Bieber is a bad move on Prince Jackson’s part. Blanket, come get your brother before Justin Bieber starts rubbing off on him and he begins acting like an obnoxious jerk while recklessly spending his money on extravagant crap. “You say that like it’s a bad thing” says Unky Jermaine.
Speaking of Usher’s dick…
On Christmas morning, Justin Bieber, who is looking more and more like a meth pimple on Aaron Carter’s cheek, ran into his bodyguard’s bedroom, jumped on the bed and shrieked about how Santa came. Like all of the adults in the Biebs’ life, his bodyguard is contractually obligated to not tell him the truth about Santey Claus, because that would hurt that little shit head’s heart. Once he finished opening up all the presents his people bought with his money, he opened up a very special present: a key to his own private jet! That is so much better than the Disney Dusty Plane rider he got last year for Christmas.
Today, the oozing herp sore on humanity’s asshole farted up two pictures on Instagram of a private jet. Justin Bieber claims he bought that shit for Christmas:
“New jet for Christmas. And she’s beautiful.”
TMZ thinks that the Biebs’ new toy is a G6, which costs around $60 million. The Biebs’ net worth is supposedly $200 million. TMZ also thinks that he could’ve gone in on a part-ownership kind of deal and is sharing it with other rich hos.
Here’s another shot of the inside of Douche Air:
Anybody who watched the television masterpiece that was Too Legit: The MC Hammer Story knows how this story will probably end. We’ll see the picture of his opulent private jet again in ten years on an episode of Oprah’s Where Are They Now? when he points to it while talking about the glory days as he gives a tour of the Florida motel room he moved into after he wasted all his money away.