Canada’s most annoying spoiled brat, Justin Bieber, has been detained at LAX upon his return from his ‘Assholes in Asia‘ tour. UsWeekly says that shortly after his arrival in the U.S., everyone’s favourite thuggy baby shithead was removed from his BabyBjörn and placed in a playpen with other delinquent babies, while his bodyguards nervously wait outside, worrying that his diaper hasn’t been changed or they don’t have his favourite type of juice (baby likes apple mixed with orange).
The reason for his detainment is still unknown, but it doesn’t matter; all that matters is that the United States didn’t want to let his dumb ass back in. I bet the United States saw Justin Bieber rolling up to customs on his Scoot-Around, crossed its arms and yelled “NO WAY DUDE, AMERICA’S CLOSED”. Then America Fuck Yeah! started playing while bald eagles began soaring over LAX and shooting patriotic red, white, and blue fireworks from their beaks. U-S-A! U-S-A!
Meanwhile, Canada lowered the flag to half-mast in preparation for his return, started getting drunk to Blue Rodeo, and declared a national day of mourning.
Diminutive shithead Justin Bieber is currently terrorizing Japan like the Muppet Babies version of Godzilla that he is, and because his fuck ups aren’t limited to North America, he’s already fucked up hard overseas (it’s probably for his next concert film - Justin Bieber: Fucking Up All Over The World). The NY Daily News says that on Tuesday, Justin posted two photos of himself to Instagram posing at Japan’s Yasukuni war shrine. The shrine honors 2.5 million war dead, which includes 14 convicted war criminals (eeesh) and much of China and South Korea view Yasukuni as a symbol of Japan’s past militarism and see visits to it as a lack of understanding or remorse. But why was Justin there? Oh, just because he saw it from his car window and decided it looked like a good place to pray (“Dear God, please let me get more drop-crotch pants, Amen”).
After numerous Chinese and South Korean fans channeled their inner Jon Hamm and told him he was a dumb shit for posing for a swaggy baby photo shoot in front of a building he knew nothing about, Justin quickly deleted the pictures and released this apology to Instagram:
While in Japan I asked my driver to pull over for which I saw a beautiful shrine. I was mislead to think the Shrines were only a place of prayer. To anyone I have offended I am extremely sorry. I love you China and I love you Japan
“I was mislead”. Bitch, you need to take responsibility! Japan didn’t mislead you; it didn’t see your car driving down the street and throw a sign out on the front lawn that said “HARMLESS PRAYER BUILDING LOL”. It’s called asking questions, dummy; next time, make sure to ask whether or not the building you want to take pouty toddler selfies in front might be, oh, I don’t know, a shine to war criminals. But even then, Justin is so much of a dummy (I bet he doesn’t even know how a washing machine works) that he’d probably be like “What’s a war crinamal?” and start pretty-boy duck-facing all over the shrine.
Pics: NY Daly News
I’ll give you a moment to clean up whatever mess your downstairs parts made after they exploded from reading that sentence (if your reaction was anything like mine, you’re going to need a ShamWow).
Heaven’s Handsomest Earth Angel Jon Hamm just shot up to the No.1 position on my list of complete strangers I would donate a kidney to (there was a vacancy due to Bruce Jenner’s recent demotion) after speaking candidly and beautifully about the skid mark in Canada’s underwear, Justin Bieber, during an interview for the May issue of Men’s Fitness:
“Look at Bieber or whoever. You’re like, ‘What the fuck, man? What are you doing? Why?’ There’s no one telling those people no, and it’s a shame. [He should have] a mom or a dad or a really good friend who can say, ‘Hey, shithead!’ You see people in the world and you’re like, ‘Do you know how a washing machine works? Do you know how to wash a dish? Life skills are something we’re missing… just shit you needed to learn in life. There used to be a class that kids had to take in high school called home economics, which was cooking and sewing and just shit you needed to learn in life.”
I’m going to need another ShamWow, but this time it’s to mop up the tears of pure joy leaking from my eyes. Damn, Jon Hamm knows how to call a bitch OUT. I actually feel a bit bad for Justin Bieber (ew Allison, no) because it’s going to take weeks to recover from getting violently dry fucked by Jon Hamm’s truth. But also, to answer Jon Hamm’s question: No, he doesn’t have a mom or a dad. He’s the result of someone accidentally dropping a bottle of Summer’s Eve into a machine at the Hasbro factory.
And I need to send Jon Hamm a muffin basket, because “I bet you don’t even know how a washing machine works” is my new favourite insult.
“So what? I’d quit my job to boo that Bart Simpson wannabe Justin Bieber every day” – all of you reading this. And I agree; hearing that Tantrum Toddler got booed is about as surprising as finding empty Diet Coke cans in my shower (I love a good shower Coke). But it’s the circumstance of the booing that makes it a truly precious gemstone.
Canadian’s low-budget Grammy Award knock-off, the Junos, were held last night in Winnipeg (moose moose maple beaver – there, now it’s officially the most Canadian sentence every written) and by some unholy miracle, Justin won the Juno Fan Choice Award. Everyone’s favorite mischief-making Precious Moments figurine must have been too hard at work on his Busy Box, because he was a no-show. But it was for the best; the second the Canadian women’s curling team called his name (okay, now it’s officially the most Canadian sentence) that bitch got booed so hard, it was as if someone had pulled a Sinead O’Connor and tore up a picture of Anne of Green Gables:
Then during her acceptance speech for Best Songwriter, Serena Ryder (who clearly needs to drop everything and rush to the nearest MRI clinic to identify just how large that tumour is in her brain) came to Bieber’s defense, saying that he worked his ass off and deserves that award and bla bla bla. She’s right, though: you’ve got to work your ass off to be as big a douche as Tantrum Toddler.
But the real story here is that a group of polite Canadian people booed someone! I don’t think I’ve ever heard a Canadian sarcastically apologize to someone, let alone boo them. To put it in perspective, a Canadian ‘Boo’ is equivalent to an American ‘Fuck your bitch-ass life, you cunt-faced shit-eater!’ For instance, the last time someone cut me off while driving, I caught up to them at the next stoplight and the rudest thing I could think of was: “I’m sorry, but I really do not appreciate you driving like a dick”. Well, I mean, technically I didn’t say it to them; I sort of just thought it to myself. But I did give them a mildly dirty look!
Because Justin Bieber is always finding ways to remind humanity that he’s forever stuck inside a thick fart bubble of sheer delusion, he threw up a picture on Instagram of him paying homage to James Dean. The Biebs thinks it’s an homage, but that 7.8 earthquake over James Dean’s grave site tells me that James Dean probably thinks otherwise. James Dean died decades before most Beliebers were just a stubborn little jizz fish squeezing themselves through the torn slit in the broken condom over their dad’s dick, so they probably have no idea who James Dean is. They’re wondering why their toddler God is dressed up like the man who makes the pancake wieners their mom lets them eat for special on Sundays.
James Dean perfected the scowl and the Biebs still look like someone asked him what 1 + 1 is just as he sat on a dry jumbo-sized butt plug while suffering from a severe case of the wet shits. (Side question: Is this douche’s toddler bodybuilder body growing or his head shrinking?) This is the new definition of NO and just because bitch has won one Big Wheels drag race on the school playground, doesn’t mean he should start dressing up like James Dean. On a positive note, candy cigarettes look so real nowadays.
The Biebs squirted out this little note about doing himself up in Dean drag:
This is James Dean inspired. Don’t ask me if I smoke ciggys cuz I don’t
Only the baddest bitch on the Montessori pre-school playground calls them “ciggys.”
The Biebs tried it, but when a pug without a cause does a better and badder James Dean impersonation than you, it’s time to stop trying it.
In other Bieber non-news, the NYDN says that on a trip from Panama to Canada on January 28th, he and Bang Bang Tattoos tried to set a Guinness World Record when he got two tattoos while 40,000 feet above. The NYDN has the pictures of his new douche-ified tattoos. The Biebs got the word “forgive” tattooed under his bellybutton and a giant Ed Hardy-like tacky cross tattooed on his chest. I’m trying to figure out how is it possible that the tattooed cross on that anti-christ’s chest didn’t immediately turn upside down and start bleeding out blood.
“Welcome to Justin Bieber’s body, Banksy balloon girl. Being a tattoo on Justin is a huge bummer, so just remember that if you need anything, whether it be counselling, emotional support, or just a shoulder to cry on, we’re all here for you.” – Embarrassed Jesus
Because Justin Bieber is dead set on turning his body in a Lisa Frank sticker book, he’s added yet another tattoo to his diverse collection. On Wednesday, Justin forged a note from his mom and chose his best fake I.D. (Rad Brandon from Manitoba) and got street artist Banksy’s Balloon Girl tattooed on his right forearm. Yes it looks like it was copied from a picture taken on a Motorola Razr. Yes it looks like it was done with Blo-Pens. Yes Justin’s joker tattoo just popped a bottle of Champale in celebration of no longer being the shittiest tattoo.
Shortly after Justin posted the picture of his tattoo to his Shots account, the “artist” responsible for this mess (if I could have thrown more quotes around the word artist, I would have) felt compelled to explain why Justin’s tattoo looks less like Balloon Girl and more like Ballewn Gurl, her Dollar Tree equivalent. Glen Hartless explained on his Instagram that the tattoo was “more subtle imagery” and that “we weren’t after a carbon copy rip off”. Uh huh. I’m sure that’s what the artist of this tattoo said too. “Of course it looks nothing like her, I was going for more subtle imagery!”
Now start placing your bets for what his next awful tattoo will be! A stick-poke of a yin-yang? A tribal tramp stamp? No Ragrets? The sky’s the limit!
You can go ahead and proclaim today to be Duh Day at Dlisted, because I’m bringing you yet another story dug from the dumpster of obviousness (it’s located behind an abandoned Chi-Chi’s). Right after Justin Bieber was arrested for drinking too much Capri Sun and drag racing his Cozy Coupe through the streets of Miami, Seth Rogen tweeted the most truthful tweet that’s ever been tweeted:
”All jokes aside, Justin Bieber is a piece of shit”
So when Rogen appeared on Watch What Happens Live Wednesday night, Andy Cohen acted in the best interests of trolling everywhere and asked him to elaborate on exactly why he thinks Justin is a diaper wipe’s dream, he said:
“In my opinion, Justin Bieber is a piece of shit. He seems like he’s obnoxious and ungrateful, insincere, and he puts people’s lives at danger and overall he acts like a piece of shit.”
Then shit demanded an apology from Seth Rogen because they were deeply insulted he compared them to Mighty Max’s asshole doppelgänger.
Personally, I’m hurt that Seth Rogen was so restrained in his description of Tantrum Toddler; there’s no reason why he had to stop at 3 adjectives and 2 expletives (unless Andy Cohen gave him a time limit, in which case, yeah you really need to limit what you say about Justin Bieber because you could go on for hours).
In the event Seth Rogen is asked again what he thinks of TT, he should feel free to use any of the following: repugnant, egotistical, a dirty douchenozzle, the swaggy skid mark in the chonies of society, about as pleasant as popping an anal cyst with a wooden splinter, that he looks like Ike Broflovski going through puberty (how am I doing for time? Should I keep going?)
If two 8th graders who suffered severe brain and nerve damage from huffing freon out of their parents’ air conditioning units spent 10 minutes choreographing a dance to a John Legend song in a darkly lit garage for the junior high school talent show, they would still place higher than Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. The thug princess who rules every deposition queefed out (and then deleted) two Instagram videos tonight which will make you cringe yourself inside/out. Justin’s garbage bag gauchos should be illegal in every state, but these videos of their “dancing” looks like scenes straight out of a low-budget, thrown together remake of Save The Last Dance for Disney Jr.
It’s like watching a chihuahua drag around his favorite stuffed chipmunk toy to hump on and I’m glad Justin Bieber didn’t get lipstick from that shit. And if this was a game where we had to guess what their beautiful and delicate interpretive dance is about, I’d guess it’s either about “the exact moment when gonorrhœa infects a vagina” or it’s about a butt plug that keeps slipping out of a baggy b-hole. It’s probably the latter. They’re romantic and artistic like that.
If Everlast found a way to turn Justin Bieber’s deposition video into a punching bag, they’d be the richest company on the planet and we’d all have broken knuckles and triceps the size of that little twat’s ego from punching that shit repeatedly. Because damn, the Biebs’ deposition video could be used as propaganda for the Abuelitas 4 Spanking League.
The runny bowel nugget that Canada shat onto the US was deposed last week in Miami for that lawsuit thrown at him by a paparazzo who was allegedly attack by his bodyguard and TMZ got a hold of the video. It’s smugness triple wrapped in arrogance and covered with several layers of thick, frothy dick cheese. The Biebs’ face contorts into an arrogant smirk at almost every question that the paparazzo’s lawyer asks him. The Biebs pretends he doesn’t know Usher’s government name, he asks if it’s a deposition or an interview, he calls the lawyer Katie Couric and his anus lips pop off when he’s asked about Selena Gomez. It’s the most hilarious thing this wet piece of tampon lint has ever done. He’s a spoiled, bratty, shit head toddler one minute and a know-it-all asshole dad the next. It’s one hundred percent pure douche and I think my asshole is cleaner from watching it. Kanye and King Joffrey both watched this and said at the same time, “Tone it down, bitch, tone it down.”
I’ll stop, because you really should just watch this mess for yourself. But before you hit play, Gorilla Glue your computer to your desk, because you will want to throw it against the wall before taking a sledgehammer to it.
Where was an abuelita with a chancleta when we all needed one most?! Every time that popped nipple pimple smirked, I thought to myself that if I did that in front of my abuelita, I wouldn’t be able to smirk again, because my face would be paralyzed from her slapping me with all her rings on. The next time the Vanilla Ice butt plug is deposed, the other side should bring an abuelita with them for ammunition. The abuelita wouldn’t even have to slap him. She’d raise a switch at him and he’d go running out of the room while screeching like a kid who was pepper sprayed in the face by a trans flower on the subway.
And the words, “I think I was detrimental to my own career,” will one day be etched into his career’s tombstone.
Whispers From The Junior High School Cafeteria: Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Are Hanging Out Again
Selena Gomez was recently in rehab for her addiction to booze, the good shit, Ambien and Justin Bieber, and while she was in there her family should’ve handcuffed her to a sturdy bed and brought in a Catholic priest to bust an exorcism on her. Because if you’re “addicted” to that Sizzurp-filled boil, then it’s obvious some dark-sided shit is possessing your body. Or you’re just dumber than a dried dingle clinging to a dog’s hairy ass. Well, whatever the case may be, Selena can’t stop getting her fix of the worst kind of bad shit. TMZ posted this picture of Selena and the swaggy Kid Sister doll coming out of a restaurant in McAllen, TX today after having breakfast together. It was like old times again when Selena had to change the Biebs Pampers in the bathroom after he made an oopsie poopy from eating too many chocolate chip pancakes.
TMZ says that after breakfast, Selena and the Biebs went to Starbucks and then to a perfumeria where he bought Obsession by Calvin Klein and Pour Homme by Givenchy. Selena is in Texas for a show on Saturday night and TMZ says that the Biebs has no other reason to be there, so he probably flew in just for her.
Yesterday, Justin Bieber was in Miami for a deposition in a civil suit filed by a pap who claims to have gotten whooped by one his bodyguards, and apparently he threw another hissy fit and left the room when lawyers started asking questions about Selena Gomez. So the emotions are still raw and nobody can burp the Biebs like Selena can. You know, a lot of hos say that Selena Gomez can do better, but after reading that she went to la perfumeria with him and allowed him to buy Obsession by CK in the year 2014, it’s obvious to me that she’s as much of a gross monster as he is. They deserve each other!
When I was in the 7th grade, I would sit at the cafeteria table gossiping with my cholita friends about the on-and-off relationship of two brats we hated. And here I am decades later, gossiping about the one-and-off relationship of two 13-year-olds (on the inside). I’ve really evolved as a human being.