Someone alert science (just call them up, whatever) and let them know we’ve found a human who is showing reverse signs of chronic dickmatization. It’s a miracle! Back in November, the long-lost fourth member of The Chipettes Selena Gomez was seen in an on-again moment with her forever on-again/off-again boyfriend Justin Bieber. The Earth was almost knocked off its axis from the amount of “She don’t love herself” GIFs people threw in her direction. But it looks like we can finally stop worrying about Selena’s addiction to Bieber, because she recently admitted to W magazine that she is completely over his shit. “Welcome to the club” said everyone not named Justin Bieber.
I don’t know if there’s a chiropractor who works exclusively with eyes, but I’m going to need one ASAP. Trying to avoid looking at Justin Bieber’s upper dick area has seriously fucked up my ocular alignment.
After writing about Will Forte’s confused cult leader look yesterday, I honestly didn’t think I would see a more busted hair situation this weekend. And then Justin Bieber walked in, and Will was like “So long, farewell! I’ll let Justin Bieber take it from here.” On Friday, Justin Bieber walked into his favorite Kidz Kutz salon, pointed to a picture of Rarity from My Little Pony on the wall, and asked them to take his hair from Champagne Sparkle to Lilac Mist. Shortly after he got it done, Justin debuted his new purple hair in not one, but two thirsty-as-HELL Instagram mirror selfies. Somewhere, Kelly Osbourne just yelled “Oi, bitch stole my look!” And don’t even ask what Mrs. Slocombe thinks of this mess; she’s far too dignified to comment on such nonsense.
Here’s Justin leaving the salon on Friday after he went purple, and giving us all flashbacks of that kid from your high school art class who used to inhale pottery glaze.
I know people are always saying that dolphins are super smart, but that’s obviously a lie. I mean, how smart can they be? I’ve got the brain of a low-IQ squirrel, and even I know that getting that close to Justin Bieber puts you at risk of catching a chronic case of doucheitis.
So, I’m not sure how national holidays are born, but it’s probably safe to say this one has already made the shortlist. One day after Justin Bieber was caught acting ike a drunken ass-flashing asshole at the Mayan ruins in Tulum, TMZ says Canada’s acid-resistant pediatric plantar wart has hopped on a private jet and left Mexico. The only thing less-surprising than hearing that a world-class brat like Bieber behaved like a fool in another country is that he followed it up with a pouty “I’M GOING HOME!“-style exit.
TMZ claims that Justin Bieber, the daughter of the least-relevant Baldwin brother, and the rest of his Entitled Douche Crew weren’t asked to leave Mexico by officials, but just asked them to show a little respect. (Hahaha – good one, Mexican officials). Obviously, “respect” isn’t a word in Justin’s My First Dictionary, so he summoned his plane and they all went home.
Well, it looks like we can go probably ahead and add “flag jacking” to the long-list of things Justin Bieber has ruined. Thanks to Justin Bieber’s recent vacation fuckery, I can’t see why anyone would want to pretend to be a Canadian tourist. I’m sure a million little Canadian flag patches just ripped themselves off the backpacks they were sewn to and explained to their former owners that Canada’s reputation has been sullied by Justin Bieber and that they’re far better off without them.
When I went to the Mayan ruins in Tulum a couple of years ago, I watched a trucker hat-wearing tourist take a selfie using a selfie stick and I thought that was the most disrespectful act the Mayan gods will ever witness. But the Canadian anal fissure topped that yesterday by acting like a spoiled drunk mess at the Mayan ruins. Ellen DeGeneres better clear her schedule and pull out the glycerine, because Justin Bieber is going to go on her show to cry out fake tears while swearing that he’s really sowwy this time.
I’m starting my 2016 off with the sicks. I caught some kind of sinus infection cold thing while I was in Denver for New Year’s and strangely enough, my usual HOlistic treatment of choice (weed, booze, porn and Slim Jims) hasn’t killed it yet. I know, weird. So the past few days, I’ve been hacking up disgusting phlegm balls that look like a cross between mutilated Ghoulies and the butt discharge of Jabba the Hutt. But yet, spitting up globs of alien jizz haven’t grossed me out as much as this picture of Justin Bieber sucking face did. I know, my bitter ass obviously doesn’t understand pure love.
Stephen Baldwin’s Instagram model daughter, Hailey Baldwin, has apparently been Justin Bieber’s casual hook-up trick for a little while now. A couple of months ago, the Biebs told Billboard that he and Hailey Baldwin weren’t a thing. But last night, she may have been officially upgraded to main piece when the Biebs posted a picture of them airing out their armpits while touching lips on Instagram. That’s the “raise your hand if you’re sure you’re a thirst bucket” pose. The two spent the holidays together in Anguilla and St. Barts.
So, let’s see, Hailey Baldwin is doing Justin Bieber who did Selena Gomez who may be doing Niall Horran who is in One Direction with Harry Styles who may be double bearding with Kendull Jenner who is friends with Hailey Baldwin and Gigi Hadid who is doing Zayn Malik who was in One Direction with Niall and Harry. Those messes are the Wonky McValtrex, Brandon Davis, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Starving Nachos, Mischa Barton and Harry Morton of 2016. And I’m just bracing myself for when some magazine inevitably calls them “the new Brat Pack” again.
And after the cut are a few more Instagram pictures of Young Hollywood High’s most annoying couple, including a picture of Justin Bieber looking like the star of Nick Jr.’s remake of Miami Vice.
One Of The Dudes From 5 Seconds Of Summer Hurt Justin Bieber’s Feelings During A Rolling Stone Interview
For those of you staring at this picture and wondering “For why am I looking at an off-brand Sum 41 in low-budget Dixie Chicks drag?” or looking at the second-from-the-left dude and thinking “I didn’t know Liam McPoyle had a son who was in a band“, it’s actually a band called 5 Seconds of Summer. You know, the current favorite band of your niece who asked for a Hot Topic gift card and a tub of Manic Panic hair dye for Christmas.
Anyway, 5SOS recently did an interview with Rolling Stone, during which their guitarist, Michael Clifford (the Chuckie Finster looking one that Chanel #5 wrote a breakup song about last year), spread his ass cheeks and squeaked out a stinky teen boy fart on Justin Bieber. I wasn’t aware that 5SOS had a problem with Justin Bieber, but 5SOS is trying really hard to be hard (see: their whole Rolling Stone interview) and nothing says “badass” like the baddest boy in your boy band throwing a pinch of shade at the current hardest toddler on the daycare playground.
And the 2015 She Don’t Love Herself award goes to….
Back in October, Kourtney Kardashian – the stale old fashioned plain donut of the Kardashian family – was seen getting her single mom party on at a club with humanoid blue raspberry Go-Gurt tube Justin Bieber. At the time, I assumed Justin was interviewing for an entry-level position in the Kardashian Khorporation as a babysitter for Kourtney’s kids (you know, so she can get out to the clubs more than twice a week). But according to Gossip Cop, it turns out the only entry-level position she was auditioning for was – you know what? I can’t even finish that joke because it’s making me too nauseous just thinking about it.
36-year-old Kourtney and 21-year-old Justin were seen leaving a club on Friday night and going to Justin’s room at the Montage in Beverly Hills, where she didn’t leave until 4am. A source who’s name I’m sure doesn’t rhyme with Piss Penner tells Gossip Cop that they have been “casually hooking up” since hanging out in October. Yes, as in more than once. Even Kourtney’s deadbeat douchebag baby daddy Scott Disick is probably reacting to this news like “Him? Really?” Well, that or he’s flattered that his ex is rebounding with the Micro Machines version of himself.
This situation is all kinds of NO, but on the bright side, Kourtney won’t have to plan much if Justin decides to sleep over at her house on Christmas Eve. She still has a few days to write a letter to Santa and ask if he could throw a couple extra Legos in his sack. You know, so Justin doesn’t get jealous of Kourtney’s kids on Christmas morning and pout in the corner.
Here’s Kourtney and Justin leaving The Nice Guy on Friday night. I have no idea why Kourtney is dressed like an extra from Dynasty, but whatever the reason, I’m really bummed she didn’t go all out and feather the shit out the front of her hair. Ugh, so lazy this one.
I’m sure you’re probably wondering why you’re looking at what appears to be a promotional picture of the cast of a failed Disney channel pilot about six psychic teens who solve mysteries while working part-time at Forever 21 called Sew What?!, but no. It’s actually a picture of Selena Gomez and bunch of her friends, one of which is her maybe new piece Niall Horan of One Direction.
Despite the fact that Selena was possibly humping on Justin Bieber again as little as two weeks ago, she has apparently moved on to Baby Heat Miser. According to E!, Selena and Niall spent most of Jenna Dewan-Tatum’s 35th birthday party on Friday night sucking face and constantly hugging on each other like that couple from every one of your middle school dances. At first I was like “Well that sounds like a drunk birthday party hook-up if I’ve ever heard one“, but E! says they had been hanging out at KIIS FM’s Jingle Ball earlier and left together after Selena’s performance.
Selena and Niall feels random-ish, but it’s not the first time she’s had the hots for one of the singing hipster elves. Selena recently told InStyle UK that she wanted to bone Zayn Malik, but since he’s currently off the market, it appears she had to remove her dart from the heart-shaped One Direction dartboard in her room and try again. And then it landed on Niall, and here we are.
And speaking of Justin Bieber, he seems to be handling this whole Horlena situation pretty well. And by “well“, I of course mean whatever the word for “throwing up an old pic of you holding hands with your ex to Instagram” is. Desperate? I think the word is desperate.
Here’s your One Direction-obsessed little cousin’s current sworn enemy looking like a low-budget Turn Back Time-era Cher while performing at the KIIS FM Jingle Ball last night, as well as some of Selena giving you goth brothel owner while walking the red carpet.
Justin Bieber, the tiny tampon that was pulled out of Canada’s cooch and thrown into America, made Kurt Cobain fans scream, “BLASPHEMY,” while clutching their flannel shirts yesterday when he wore a really ugly Nirvana t-shirt to the American Music Awards. Nirvana fans tweeted about how Kurt Cobain’s ashes must be spinning in the air over this because the Biebs stands for everything he was against! Or something like that. The American Music Awards go against everything hardcore Nirvana fans believe in, so I’m sure they didn’t watch, but if they did, they would’ve probably said a prayer for Kurt Cobain’s ghost to electrocute the Biebs by turning on his mic as he danced in the rain during his performance.
Some Nirvana fans think Justin Bieber should be jailed for tainting the image of Kurt Cobain, but Courtney Love is totally cool with it.
You're cool in my book @justinbieber xc
— Courtney Love Cobain (@Courtney) November 23, 2015
Of course Cracked Out Courtney is cool with it. She gets life from inhaling the fumes that waft off of the boiling assholes of mad Nirvana fans. It’s her newest drug of choice.
I don’t think the Biebs wearing a Nirvana shirt is a big deal, but what is a big deal is that his stylists were probably trying to make him look like Christian Slater in Gleaming The Cube. Now that is offensive. I would pull out my pitchfork of rage over that, but I’m too busy shaking my head at myself. On Friday night, I was drunk and vulnerable (like usual) and I found myself downloading Justin Bieber’s new album. My iTunes crashed the next day and probably because it couldn’t look at me anymore. I need to set up
parental controls drunk bitch controls on my computer so my wasted ass won’t make the mistake of downloading a Biebs album again.
For those of you looking at the potato quality picture above and thinking: “For why is some random dude singing to Selena Gomez and two of the three fairies from Sleeping Beauty in a fancy-ass bar?“, well, you got the Selena Gomez part right, but you missed the spoiled Timbit sitting next to her. Don’t beat yourself up over it; Justin Bieber totally blends into the background when he’s not throwing chairs around.
As you can see from the picture above, dickmatization’s former poster children Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber got together, and no, it wasn’t because Selena found a bunch of footy pajamas at her house and decided to return them to their rightful owner. Justin and Selena were caught hanging out at a hotel bar in Beverly Hills last night. And if that wasn’t enough to make you roll your eyes and reach for your “She don’t love herself” GIFs, then there’s also this little nugget of NO: Justin grabbed a mic and busted out a middle school talent show-sounding version “My Girl” to her. Which looked and sounded a little something like this.
No word on how many people in the bar were rushed to the hospital and treated for cringe-uries caused by second-hand embarrassment, but I’m going to assume the answer is: all of them. Neither Justin nor Selena has commented on whether or not they’re humping on each other again, so who even knows how permanent this shit is.
But he didn’t end the night with Selena, because apparently “My Girl” was short for “My Girl…Until Someone Hotter Comes Along“. Shortly after he made Thomas J. roll over in his grave, Justin Bieber hit up a club with Kylie Jenner. Which…also didn’t last very long, since Kylie left the club with Iggy Azalea’s former piece, ASAP Rocky. Yes, Kim Jr. has been single for all of 0.03 seconds, and already she might have a new man. A man who is a whole year older than Tyga. That sound you just heard was Kris Jenner cackling with glee into her morning bowl of spiders.