And no, calling the fight “tiny” wasn’t a read on his size. It has more to do with the fact that as far as Justin Bieber tough toddler fight attempts go, this most recent one was pretty small.
“Hmmm…that’s odd. I’ve sent at least a dozen dick pics and haven’t gotten a single text back. Maybe her phone crashed from how impressive my big boy parts are. That must be it.”
There are many small joys in this life. One of my favorites is texting someone you haven’t spoken to in a while and getting the “New phone, who dis” text in return. Luckily for Justin Bieber, he’ll most likely receive such a gift the next time he goes to text Selena Gomez. UsWeekly says that Selena recently got a new phone number (EXTRA EXTRA STOP THE PRESSES). But there’s one person she doesn’t want having that new number, and it’s her ex Justin Bieber.
Selena recently took a break from being Selena Gomez to deal with some lupus side effects, so she’s got a lot on her plate. One of the things she didn’t want on her plate was dealing with 1am texts asking “hey u sleepin?” followed by an eggplant emoji. I don’t know for sure that Justin has ever done that, he just seems like the type. Not to mention that conversing with Justin Bieber through a digital device doesn’t exactly seem to end well for Selena.
A source says that she instructed everyone that got her new number “not to give it to him.” It will be interesting to see how long that lasts. Justin probably already has a clever scheme up his sleeve for how to get that number. My tip for anyone in possession of Selena’s new number: If Justin asks to borrow your phone to look up the nearest crappy tattoo shop, don’t give it to him! He’s lying, he doesn’t need a phone for that. Anyone with as many janky tattoos as he’s got can sniff that out like a bloodhound.
Earlier this month, everyone reported that Justin Bieber was maybe-dating Lionel Richie’s barely 18-year-old daughter Sofia Richie. The last time we heard about Justin’s (dry heaves) sex life, he had maybe ditched Sofia for a model named Bronte Blampied. I know you’re all dying to know if he’s still with a person whose name reads like an eye exam test. He’s not. At least not right now. Justin was recently in Mexico with Sofia, and by the looks of the heave-making PDA display they put on, they’re definitely currently a thing.
Instagram is a little less douchey today, because Justin Bieber has come through on his promise to lock out his fans from his page. After the Beliebers spit out gloppy drool balls of hate at the Biebs’ current girlfriend, 17-year-old Sofia Richie, on Instagram, he threatened to punish their evil asses by making his page private. Early this morning, the Biebs took his promise to another level by deleting himself from Instagram. But as some Beliebers put on their Janie and Jack brand black veils to mourn the death of their toddler god’s Instagram page, many others are celebrating like weed has been legalized everywhere, Kraft has brought back Jell-O 1-2-3 and Playboy Enterprises has announced that they’re launching Playginge and its inaugural issue will feature pictures of a naked Prince Hot Ginge. Many are happy and the hashtag #JustinBieberDeactivatedParty was trending for hours.
[Note: While looking for pictures of Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber on a photo agency’s website, this one came up and I immediately thought to myself, “Justin Bieber looks 10,000% less insufferable and much more mature in that picture.” That’s actually an old picture of Selena with the Biebs’ little brother, but it still works.]
Yesterday, J. Harvey posted about how the threat of a code 10 Belieber meltdown may be upon us, because Justin Bieber threatened to make his Instagram private after his fans spewed hate all over several pictures of him with Lionel Richie’s 17-year-old daughter Sofia Richie. The Biebs is probably dating Lionel’s child and his crazy fans don’t like it and even hit Sofia with death threats. The Biebs told his fans to stop hating, his fans told him that they’re not the boss of them, and as all that drama went down in the playpen, Selena Gomez popped up to spank him on his overfilled Pampers.
If only there were a Belieber version of Nutty Madame to hop on her webcam and violently freak out at everyone for turning on poor Justin Bieber. Canada’s Least Wanted got pissed that his crazed fans aren’t loving his new chick, Lionel Richie’s 17-year-old daughter Sofia Richie, and demanded that they lay off her. In response, someone created the hashtag #RIPBeliebers on Twitter. It looks to be the end of a very silly era. Every #OneDirectioner just got their popcorn out of the microwave and settled in on the couch to delightedly watch the show.