While working an armpit merkin (there’s no way he can grow hair there) and throwing a come hither look (Usher just saved that picture so fast), Justin Bieber gave his millions of Instagram followers a good look at the newest works of art on the Museum of Shitty Tattoos he calls a body.
The Biebs got a bear tattoo on his left tit, and that must be really confusing for anyone who has ever said, “I’d rather make out with a growling grizzly bear than suck on Justin Bieber’s left tit.” He also got a flying eagle inked right between his “Son Of God” and “Purpose” tattoos. The Biebs’ new tattoos tell me that if he wasn’t a multi-millionaire yodeling douche nugget, he’d probably be drinking a Natty Ice out of a paper bag while whistling at chicks from his sawed-off convertible pick-up truck in the parking lot of a Walmart. So basically, he’d be his dad.
And the Biebs also posted this video of him topless dancing with someone’s memaw:
I bet every hardcore Belieber is flooding Lindsay Lohan’s Instagram comments with questions about how to get a grandmaface quick. Because if they had that Benjamin Button’s shit, maybe Justin Bieber would actually show them some love.
If he’s Supreme of the coven, I’d rather forgo witchcraft entirely.
Irritating shithead Justin Bieber has more masochistic fans than any other entitled toddler in the pop asshole game. He delights in telling them he’d rather interact with syphilis than with them. He’d rather listen to his own music than hear their cries of adoration. He’d rather be forced to go out of the house looking like he’s cosplaying celebrity cannibals (and has) than act like he cares about their love for him. Beliebers don’t care! They live for metaphorical dirty diapers being flung at them as long as said dirty diapers belong to a douchey Canadian punk-ass! They’ll just keep on trying to love him.
Last month when Kristen Stewart officially came out as a gayelle on Saturday Night Live, her hair was very “Hollywood power lesbian.” Well, sometime before the L.A. premiere of that arty ghost texting movie, Personal Shopper, she Legend of Billie Jean’d herself by taking clippers to her hair and also Clorox’ing that bitch. Kristen Stewart gave herself a buzzcut for either that underwater movie she’s doing, or because she wanted to, or because she couldn’t handle the mutant lice anymore and tried to shave them out of her life. (SPOILER ALERT: That doesn’t work.)
Many are saying that Kristen Stewart is giving them Dollar Tree Annie Lennox vibes. And sure, KStew does look like a grouchy Annie Lennox impersonator who has a record low rating on Yelp because she screams at party guests who asks for a selfie and really just wants to smoke a joint in the corner. But I’m also getting fetus-aged Justin Bieber mixed with the greatest fitness queen of the 90s Susan Powter!
KStew seems to really be feeling it, because usually when she’s in front of a camera, she looks about as happy as Howie Mandel at a bareback scat orgy. But her face actually produced a smile or two last night. The power of a Susan Powter makeover knows no bounds! And I think KStew was feeling her new look so much that she forgot to put on clothes over that weird shapewear shit she’s wearing.
Justin Bieber’s au pair better schedule him in for a refresher course at the Potty Training Academy of Calabasas, because it looks like he forgot to shake after going pee pee times. His au pair also needs to take down his potty training academy certificate from the wall above his toilet, because he doesn’t deserve it!
While looking like a Tyco brand Lil’ Eminen doll, the Biebs strolled to his SUV in West Hollywood, CA yesterday and a paparazzi took video of him and the giant wet spot on his $690 (now just $483!!!) Vetements sweats. Justin Bieber “dated” the wrong Kartrashian. He should’ve dated Kim.
Now, the Biebs could’ve spilled something on his overpriced Walmart-looking sweats, but going with that is no fun, so let’s just say that he pissed himself. It makes for a better host for this OP. “Oh pee,” get it? (“Yes, even a Bieber would get that ‘joke’.” – you)
Justin Bieber is Pissed!!! (VIDEO) https://t.co/FfJdrWF18H
— TMZ (@TMZ) February 23, 2017
The human Pee Pee Doll laughed about this on Instagram, but it wasn’t not funny. The skilled potty trainers who worked so hard to get him to pee on the targets are disappointed and sad. Besides, Fergie pissed on herself better.
I know we joke a lot about Justin Bieber living his life like an unsupervised child with a checking account, but this latest stunt is straight out of elementary school. Back in May 2016, an indie artist named Casey Dienel accused Justin and Skrillex of jacking a sample from her song Ring The Bell and using it without permission in the opening of Sorry. TMZ says that Justin Bieber was scheduled to attend a deposition last week to give his testimony about that. We all know how seriously Justin Bieber takes depositions (not very). But this time he couldn’t even be bothered to show up. He called in sick. Coincidentally, I believe most people are sick to death of his bullshit. But Casey Dienel’s lawyers think he was faking and they’ve got receipts.
Earlier we found out that police in Cleveland are investigating Justin Bieber for allegedly delivering a concussion-causing beatdown back in June. And now TMZ is saying that he’s currently being investigated for allegedly headbutting someone at a restaurant last weekend. It’s like he’s on a mission to disprove the stereotype that Canadians are a polite, peace-loving people.
Bieber’s latest alleged assault antics happened at around 2am last Saturday in West Hollywood. While at a pre-Grammys party that was hosted by his friend Poo Bear, Bieber was play fighting with Kyle Massey. Poo Bear? Corey from That’s So Raven? You know you’re not exactly hanging with a hard crew when it sounds like it was assembled by Mickey Mouse. Anyway, Bieber noticed that someone from the restaurant staff was recording their play fight. And we all know he doesn’t like that. A pissed-off Bieber demanded he delete the video, and that in turn caused more people to hit record on their cameras. Justin allegedly then lunged at one of the people and headbutted them.
On the bright side, Justin Bieber doesn’t have a brain, so I doubt he caused that much damage. Getting hit with something hollow tends not to hurt as much.
The police were called after the incident, but Bieber was gone by the time they arrived. The alleged victim doesn’t want to press charges, but the police are still investigating.
Justin Bieber has just about covered all his assault bases. He’s used his arms for throwing (both punches and eggs), his mouth for spitting (both words and actual spit), and now he’s headbutting people. He’s like a one-man Street Fighter game. The next thing you know he’ll be firing a surge of shitty energy out of his hands. Ha-douche-en!