Well, if anything can make the world temporarily join together and slow clap while cackling, it’s this. Both TMZ and The Daily Mail say that Orlando Bloom, who I always thought was as gentle as a butterfly sitting on a hippie’s flower crown, tried to punch the faux hood Kid Sister doll that is Justin Bieber at Cipriani in Ibiza early Wednesday morning. I know, we really shouldn’t be slow clapping for Orlando Bloom and I’m not saying that because he almost committed douche toddler abuse. I’m saying it, because he missed. YOU HAD ONE JOB, ORLANDO!
Some source tells The Daily Mail that 37-year-old Orlando is the one who started shit with the 4-year-old chunky, dried skid mark clinging to humanity’s saggy chonies. There’s a rumor that Miranda Kerr passed her poon to the Biebs (Side note: And suddenly I have sucio images of a Kewpie Doll with hair rubbing on a Baby Alive doll) while she was married to Orlando and Orlando might’ve revenged fucked Selena Gomez. Miranda Kerr is probably the reason why Legolas wanted to knock the Cabbage Patch doll stuffing out of the Biebs. The source spit this out:
“Justin was being cordial, and everything was fine. But then Orlando was annoyed when he saw it was Justin and instigated by taking a swing at Justin. Justin ducked, and Orlando’s punch missed. People intervened, some minor pushing, then they were separated. Justin stayed for a while after.”
TMZ says that when the Biebs ducked Orlando’s punch, he shouted, “What’s up bitch?” The crowd apparently started cheering and clapping when the Biebs left.
This junior high school quad bullshit. Normally I’d say that Orlando Bloom is re-defining “too old for this shit,” but you’re never too old to slap the smugness out of Justin Bieber. I’ve always said that he needs to feel the wrath of an abuelita’s chancleta. But really, the one who should be throwing the punches here is Miranda Kerr and she should be throwing punches at her own face for sexing on Justin Bieber. Nasty Mary Kay Letourneau ass trick.
Here’s the video from TMZ which starts right after Orlando tried to fist the Biebs. It’s so blurry that it could be Punky Brewster screaming at Barbara Hershey with a bob for all we know.
UPDATE: And the Biebs yanked at Orlando’s curls by Instramming (and then deleting) this:
Oh the trials and tribulations of a jealous toddler. Justin Bieber is apparently pouting in his treehouse with a Wizards of Waverly Place doll because he thinks Selena Gomez has replaced his bratty ass. According to UK’s Star (via Radar), Justin doesn’t really care that Selena might be humping on Jessica Szohr’s former fuck buddy; he’s actually more upset that she’s spending so much time with well-known coochie wrangler and model Cara Delevingne. A insider claims that Justin’s Fisher-Price Chatter Telephone hasn’t taken a break since Cara entered the picture, because that nosy little toddler is spending his nap times ringing her up and bitching her out for attempting to take his place as Selena’s butchy blonde tatted-up kewpie doll-looking bottom bitch:
“Justin has called Cara on more than one occasion, wanting to know what’s going on. It’s been clear that he’s had a drink beforehand, too.”
Today’s image of greatness comes from that wonderful insider, who just made me picture a surly Justin Bieber sitting in the dark in a Blue’s Clues chair, swirling sizzurp in a brandy snifter and hissing into the phone: “WHORE! You’re nothing but bushy-eyebrowed British TRASH! She doesn’t love you!“, then slamming the receiver down and screaming “YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, SELENA!”
That bratty skidmark is probably just pissed off that Selena managed to find a prettier version of him. Cara has nicer hair, better abs, softer skin, is potty trained, orders off the adult menu when they go out to restaurants, doesn’t get scared when she hears thunder. Hell, I’m sure she could grow a better moustache if she tried (if she needs any tips on managing facial hair, she could probably call up her ex, Michelle Rodriguez, who seems to know her way around a beard situation).
Here’s more of a sans-Cara Selena strolling around Hollywood looking like both a budget Vanessa Hudgens and a high-end Kylie Jenner. No, you’re right – comparing her to the Marla Hooch-looking Jenner is incorrect; Selena is obviously more of a Betty Spaghetti:
Back in April, it was rumoured that pre-pubescent rat boy Justin Bieber had shot a bunch of Calvin Klein ads with Pimp Mama Kris’s backup-Kim Kendull Jenner, but nobody really paid it much thought, since those two attention-desperate teens are always taking pictures in their underwear. But it looks like the rumours were true. The Daily Mail says that Calvin Klein has gone ahead and spit on the legacy of Marky Mark and his funky bulge by hiring Jack Gleeson’s non-union Canadian equivalent to be the baby face of an upcoming campaign.
A Calvin Klein source (whatever the hell that is) told The Daily Mail that Justin Bieber has shot for Calvin Klein and that they “hope the results will be released later this year” and that Baby Bieber’s campaign will be used to launch CK’s new line of upscale potty training pants (needs verification).
Calvin Klein has a rich history of hiring jailbait-looking models for their underwear ads, so it makes sense that they’d hire eternal toddler Justin Bieber to pose in his pull-ups. But it does feel a little weird having Justin model underwear when I’m not entirely sure his balls have dropped yet. Or maybe they really ARE launching a line of CK Juniors? Regardless, Chris Hansen should probably keep his schedule free for “later this year”.
And maybe this explains why Justin Bieber was recently cruising around Disneyland in a wheelchair. I’m guessing he showed up for his modelling gig and went straight for the big boy boxers, only to discover that the pair of XXS men’s undies were still too big for his little baby body. But because he’s a stubborn toddler, he put them on and demanded they start the shoot. Unfortunately, they almost instantly fell down past his knees, causing him to trip and fall and twist his ankle. Calvin Klein didn’t want to get sued, so they shut the little brat up by sending him on an all-expenses paid trip to Disneyland. Mystery solved!
Here’s more of Mahky Mahk Jr. in Beverly Hills earlier today. Oh my god, he can walk again! It’s a miracle!
Cops Have Advised Justin Bieber’s Neighbors To Put Him Under Citizen’s Arrest The Next Time He Throws A Party
This weekend, Justin Bieber threw a 2-day toddler rager at his condo in Beverly Hills in which the police were called six times for noise complaints and general assholery. Unfortunately for the poor souls who have to share a building with Canada’s constantly itchy butthole, there’s nothing the cops can do to prevent Justin from throwing more loud parties for his asshole friends, since he always turns down the music when they ask him to (sounds like someone was paying attention during the Backyardigans episode on manners).
But according to TMZ, his neighbors are right pissed, because it’s not just the noise; he’s turning their condo building into the island for obnoxious pre-teen shitheads from Pinocchio. TMZ obtained pictures showing the mess he left on the condo’s rooftop lounge, and residents have told them the elevators and hallways reeked of pot all weekend, adding that “There were bimbos lining up to do drugs in the lobby bathroom.” (I literally just pictured Kelly Bundy and her friends).
Despite photographic proof and numerous witnesses that claim Justin Bieber is a pint-sized nuisance, the cops claim they can’t arrest someone for a misdemeanour if they don’t see it happen. But they also claim that it is well within their legal rights to take matters into their own hands, since he’s currently on probation. The police have advised Justin’s condo neighbors that if they witness the human version of Babs Seed the Pony doing hoodrat shit in the building, they can put him under citizen’s arrest. Did you hear that? The police literally just gave Justin’s neighbors permission to ground him. The shade, the shade of it all.
And as much as I want to see a 60-year-old woman tackle Justin Bieber to the ground for smoking a joint in the vestibule, is that picture of the rooftop seriously the “mess” he left? Yikes. You know you throw a lame-ass party when you’re able to make Aaron Carter look like Studio 54 fucked Caligula.
Looking at this picture of lil’ Justin Bieber sucking on a brewski just made me nostalgic for all the times I tried to get my hands on a beer as a kid. I never did succeed; I’d always end up getting distracted by Glo Friends. But Justin Bieber is a much more determined child than I ever was, and his thirst for taking swigs out of the grown-ups beer bottles has landed a West Hollywood club in trouble.
According to TMZ, Justin Bieber and his new BFF Chris Brown (like moths to a flame, two assholes meet in the night) went to David Arquette’s club Bootsy Bellows. Because Boosty Bellows sells food, they can let anyone in, but only people 21 and older can order booze. Unfortunately, someone snapped a picture of 20-year-old Justin Bieber walking around Bootsy Bellows holding a beer bottle, and now the California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control is ready to slap them with a giant fine and law enforcement are planning on sending in a bunch of undercover cops to try see if they can bust them for selling liquid happiness to minors.
I don’t think there’s any need to call Gene Parmesan, because this is clearly an open and shut case. Justin Bieber wanted to impress Chris Brown’s friends, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep up with the big boys (because two sips of beer and Justin goes night-night). So he filled an empty beer bottle with apple juice and pretended he was drinking just like them. Trust me – if the cops look through the trash, I’ll bet they’ll find a Heineken bottle that smells like Motts for Tots with his animal cracker-crusted finger prints on it. CASE CLOSED!
TMZ says that once again, Justin Bieber has avoided being crowned the cutest lil’ cupcake in juvie because he’s plead no contest to egging his neighbor’s house back in January. The L.A. County District Attorney took 5 months trying to decide if egging your neighbor’s house like a punk bitch baby is a misdemeanour or a felony, and they settled on charging him with “misdemeanour vandalism”.
Sources say that the only bars Justin will be behind are the ones in his crib, because this afternoon his lawyers are sweeping all the eggshells under the rug by taking a plea deal. So instead of real-life Scared Straight, that constipated brat will be on probation for a year, be forced to do some bullshit community service, and pay $20,000 to his old neighbor to repair the egg damage done to his house. Basically the TL:DR of that plea deal is that Justin will be punished with nothing, nothing, and nothing.
I thought that getting caught on tape trespassing on your neighbor’s property and covering their house with breakfast foods while acting like a total piece of human garbage would be the kind of thing you do a bit of time for, but I guess Lady Justice just does not give a fuck. Bitch probably pawned her sword and a scale for an 8-ball and a bottle of vodka. Every day is like 2-for-1 Margarita Hour at Baja Sharkeez for Lady Justice now. I’m sure you can find her every night at the club wearing her blindfold as a tube-top and working under the name Lady Just-A$$. “I sentence you to a good time! WOOO! I don’t gotta work tomorrow, pour shots in my mouth!”
Maybe I need to brush up on my boating safety, but it was my understanding that any child under 90 lbs or 12 years of age was required by law to wear a PFD with one of those foam headrest things and a crotch belt. Then again, would it even matter? The rules don’t apply to Caillou’s spoiled Stratford cousin Justin Bieber. Forget wearing a life jacket, I bet it was difficult enough getting him to wear his Little Swimmers.
It looks like Justin Bieber is spending Independence Day chartering the S.S. Douchecanoe around Miami. Since I’m a maple-dipped dum-dum, I don’t know much about Independence Day, but what I’ve pieced together from beer commercials and Jeopardy! is that July 4th is the day Benjamin Franklin dumped several crates of tea into Boston Harbour and then got into a fist-fight with Uncle Sam. Then Betsey Ross (who I think is George Washington’s daughter?) made the American flag, and also something about a guy named Yankee Candle Dandy and flying a kite in a thunderstorm? Anyways, what I’m trying to get at is that I have no idea if you’re supposed to celebrate Independence Day in your underwear on a rented boat surrounded by bodyguards and budget Kardashian-looking call girls like Justin Bieber has chosen to do, but it seems about right to me.
Here’s more of Justin Bieber celebrating America’s Birthday (I think??) on a boat with some hoes. In the event they aren’t hookers (they are, but whatever, let’s pretend), that one in the red mesh swimsuit needs to take a good look in the mirror and ask herself why in the hell would she spend a day hanging out with Justin Bieber in taped-up nipples for free?? And don’t say it was for the booze; for $0 she could have gotten drunk in Mr. Turtle the backyard without torturing her nipple bumps with electrical tape. Rip off that tape and set your nipples free, bitch! It’s America Day! U-S-A! U-S-A!
During Wednesday night’s show in Miami for their “On The Run From Kim and Kanye” Tour, Her Majesty Beyoncé and smooth camel Jay-Z came for human diaper rash Justin Bieber by projecting his Barbizon-approved mug shot. Shocking, I know; Beyoncé ACTUALLY allowed a giant picture of someone else’s face to be shown. Maybe they ran out of super-secret wedding footage?
The picture of Canada’s swaggy preteen gerbil was shown during a performance of “Izzo” along with a collection of various celebrity mugshots, like Robert Downey Jr. and Bill Gates. However, those shady bitches timed it so that Justin Bieber’s birth announcement photo would appear at the part of the song where Jay-Z says “So poof, vamoose son of a bitch.” That high school drama queen even holds out his mic so that the audience can shout the lyrics along with him. It all goes down at the 0:57 mark.
According to the Mirror, after Beyoncé finished charging her batteries back stage, she came out and proved she’s still one of the greatest living professional trolls out there by saying of Bieber’s mugshot: “Even the greatest can fail.” Oh Stuntyoncé, you subtle robot you. Of course, Justin Bieber will probably find a douchey shitty baby way to respond to Jay-Z and Yawncé, but first he needs to fully wake up from his nap.
Selena Gomez really wanted to get a part-time job working at the mall this summer, but despite stapling her resume to a copy of her birth certificate, driver’s license, a recent bone scan, several birthday cards, and a photograph of her holding a newspaper from 1994, nobody would believe she wasn’t a toddler and refused to hire her because they didn’t want a visit from the child labor board. So Selena was forced to take the job she had last summer: babysitting Justin Bieber.
Selena learned from last year that if she doesn’t keep Justin busy with activities, he’s bound to sneak off and do hoodrat stuff, so on Sunday Selena took Justin to the L.A. Zoo. Us Weekly says that Justin’s grandparents also went to help her keep an eye on Pattie Mallette’s future retirement fund (one day she’ll retire from being a shameless pimp) and it sounds like Justin was on his best behavior:
“In front of the piranha tank, there was a little [disabled] girl in a wheelchair. Justin walked over, put his arm around her, and asked the family to take a picture.”
He took a picture with a wheelchair girl AND was so well-behaved he didn’t need to wear a child leash?! Usually watching Justin all summer is a fucking headache because his mom lets him do whatever he wants and he’s always running away on his Big Wheels. But it sounds like he’s trying to be a good boy ever since he was grounded for saying the n-word. This summer will be a piece of cake! Selena gets a break every day when he goes down for his 3-hour post-sizzurp afternoon nap, he’s always on his best behavior when they go out in public, plus she doesn’t have to change any diapers, since he’s finally potty trained now (well, save for a few accidents here and there, but give him a break, he’s still learning).
Someone get sex expert Sue Johanson on the phone! I know next to nothing about sexual reproduction because I went to the kind of no-budget high school where Sex Ed was limited to huddling around the VCR in the library and watching the two-part episode of Degrassi High where Dwayne admits to Joey Jeremiah that he’s got AIDS, so I depend on that sassy memaw to fill in the blanks and I need to know if it’s even possible for a pre-pubescent toddler to bust a nap time nut.
According to InTouch (via Radar), the rancid not-so-fresh feeling in society’s down-there Justin Bieber has reportedly been bareback baby humping groupies and has gotten at least two girls pregnant in the past 4 years. “Only two in four years? Damn, is everything working ok down there buddy?” – K-Fed. A source claims Justin never worries about knocking up random chicks because he “expects his team to handle it” in the event one of his Muppet Baby-looking sperms rides its tricycle into the girl’s uterus.
In the event a girl comes forward to say she’s with child (ironically, the same thing she probably texted to her friends just before she was about to sleep with Justin Bieber) his team investigates the claim to see if it’s legit, then stuffs a pile of money into a Cars 2 Lightning McQueen backpack and tells her never to contact him again.
Besides the obvious mechanical issues (his balls haven’t dropped yet) I don’t for a second believe that Justin Bieber has gotten anyone pregnant, because there’s no way in hell his greedy mother Pattie Mallette would ever let a precious money-making gift from God slip through her greasy dollar-counting fingers.