TMZ says that Justin Bieber found himself in the middle of a fight during Coachella. That’s not surprising, what is surprising is that the douchey little Timbit is sort of the hero of this story.
It all happened at a Coachella party on Saturday night after Justin and a friend showed up to meet his good buddy Patrick Schwarzenegger. While they were talking, a guy, who was possibly on drugs (possibly? Come on, it’s Coachella), entered the party and immediately confronted a woman, who might have been his ex-girlfriend. Not long into arguing, the guy grabbed the woman by the throat. Sources tell TMZ that Justin and his friend jumped into action, screaming at him to let her go, to which the drunk asshole replied: “Go fuck yourself.” Justin reportedly responded by punching him in the face and pushing him against a wall, thus freeing the woman.
The drunk throat-grabber was reportedly kicked out of the party, but he was later seen chasing an SUV and screaming Justin’s name while hitting the vehicle. Drunky clearly thought Justin was inside, although it’s not clear if he was. The police were then called, but no one was arrested and no one reported the choking incident.
As much as I want to hate on Justin at all times, I can’t hate on Justin intervening. But I wonder what gave him such a burst of bravery? Must be the same thing that boosted his confidence into believing “uncle on vacation in Florida after mixing Kahlua and back pills” was a good look.
this video of justin bieber at coachella is very 'me determined to have fun at some dead house party at 5am when all my friends want to go to bed' pic.twitter.com/uR0TDWCXmq
— egg (@emmaggarland) April 16, 2018
I’m not here to question anyone on how much Jesus juice they’re consuming, but given some of Justin Bieber’s…I dunno…propensity to be a raging asshole? I often forget how down with G-O-D he can be. Justin may have a love/hate thing with social media, but it was all love yesterday to get the message out to all 98 million (gag) people who follow him with a little lesson in what is the meaning behind April Fools’ Day, er, Easter, er, you get the idea.
If Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are on a bit of a break like they’re rumored to be, then it would appear he’s a regular Ross Geller, because he’s repeatedly been seen with a girl who isn’t Selena.
Every time I hear about Selena Gomez trying to get her shit together while still flopping around like a wide-eyed used car lot air dancer powered by the hot air emanating from Justin Bieber, I want to scream at her, “Girl, pull that air hose out of your ass and come down off that cross!” E! News reports that Selena may be making a small step in that direction by decamping from L.A. and heading home to Texas to “clear her head” after a rough patch with Justin and a disagreement involving his super churchy b-day party.
The best response for that picture is Justin Bieber’s leg tattoo of Jesus rolling his eyes like, “Bitch, have a seat.”
A quick second after E! News said that he and his on-and-off-and-on-and-off-and-on again piece, Selena Gomez, are on a break, the Biebs posted two pictures on Instagram of him airing out his furry pits on a beach. (There’s no way that Justin Bieber can grown hair there yet, so I’m guessing he’s wearing two pit merkins.) Some may think that this is the Biebs’ way of letting us all know that he’s celebrating his freedom from Selena and her swaggy-hating mom, but although he thinks he’s that deep, he’s not that deep.
My guess is that the Biebs’ cult leader daddy, Pastor Muscles McUncleTerryGlasses, has slurped on his ass so much that he really believes he’s the second coming of Jesus. Or maybe there’s a good reason for why the Biebs’ looks like a low-tide hobo who sleeps on a bed of seaweed under a pier at the beach. Maybe he is a low-tide hobo who sleeps on a bed of seaweed under a pier at the beach, because Pastor Muscles McUncleTerryGlasses finally milked his last cent out of him.
If the Biebs is homeless and broke, he shouldn’t worry about it for too long. Many people will give him money and mostly because they’ll want him to buy some Baby Wipes so he can wipe what looks like shit stains off of his body. And I say that as someone who regularly types, “Tattooed muscle stud fucking a stud while eating a banana,” into the PornHub search bar.
If this were an episode of Friends, it would NOT be okay for Justin Bieber to start sticking his Canadian bacon in a non-Selena Gomez oven, but I’m sure that won’t stop him. I guess couples counseling isn’t working, because sources say Justin and Selena have been getting into little arguments, and things aren’t as maple syrup-y sweet as it was when they were attending 24/7 Sunday School. The two have decided to take some time away from each other. Continue reading