“So what? I’d quit my job to boo that Bart Simpson wannabe Justin Bieber every day” – all of you reading this. And I agree; hearing that Tantrum Toddler got booed is about as surprising as finding empty Diet Coke cans in my shower (I love a good shower Coke). But it’s the circumstance of the booing that makes it a truly precious gemstone.
Canadian’s low-budget Grammy Award knock-off, the Junos, were held last night in Winnipeg (moose moose maple beaver – there, now it’s officially the most Canadian sentence every written) and by some unholy miracle, Justin won the Juno Fan Choice Award. Everyone’s favorite mischief-making Precious Moments figurine must have been too hard at work on his Busy Box, because he was a no-show. But it was for the best; the second the Canadian women’s curling team called his name (okay, now it’s officially the most Canadian sentence) that bitch got booed so hard, it was as if someone had pulled a Sinead O’Connor and tore up a picture of Anne of Green Gables:
Then during her acceptance speech for Best Songwriter, Serena Ryder (who clearly needs to drop everything and rush to the nearest MRI clinic to identify just how large that tumour is in her brain) came to Bieber’s defense, saying that he worked his ass off and deserves that award and bla bla bla. She’s right, though: you’ve got to work your ass off to be as big a douche as Tantrum Toddler.
But the real story here is that a group of polite Canadian people booed someone! I don’t think I’ve ever heard a Canadian sarcastically apologize to someone, let alone boo them. To put it in perspective, a Canadian ‘Boo’ is equivalent to an American ‘Fuck your bitch-ass life, you cunt-faced shit-eater!’ For instance, the last time someone cut me off while driving, I caught up to them at the next stoplight and the rudest thing I could think of was: “I’m sorry, but I really do not appreciate you driving like a dick”. Well, I mean, technically I didn’t say it to them; I sort of just thought it to myself. But I did give them a mildly dirty look!
Because Justin Bieber is always finding ways to remind humanity that he’s forever stuck inside a thick fart bubble of sheer delusion, he threw up a picture on Instagram of him paying homage to James Dean. The Biebs thinks it’s an homage, but that 7.8 earthquake over James Dean’s grave site tells me that James Dean probably thinks otherwise. James Dean died decades before most Beliebers were just a stubborn little jizz fish squeezing themselves through the torn slit in the broken condom over their dad’s dick, so they probably have no idea who James Dean is. They’re wondering why their toddler God is dressed up like the man who makes the pancake wieners their mom lets them eat for special on Sundays.
James Dean perfected the scowl and the Biebs still look like someone asked him what 1 + 1 is just as he sat on a dry jumbo-sized butt plug while suffering from a severe case of the wet shits. (Side question: Is this douche’s toddler bodybuilder body growing or his head shrinking?) This is the new definition of NO and just because bitch has won one Big Wheels drag race on the school playground, doesn’t mean he should start dressing up like James Dean. On a positive note, candy cigarettes look so real nowadays.
The Biebs squirted out this little note about doing himself up in Dean drag:
This is James Dean inspired. Don’t ask me if I smoke ciggys cuz I don’t
Only the baddest bitch on the Montessori pre-school playground calls them “ciggys.”
The Biebs tried it, but when a pug without a cause does a better and badder James Dean impersonation than you, it’s time to stop trying it.
In other Bieber non-news, the NYDN says that on a trip from Panama to Canada on January 28th, he and Bang Bang Tattoos tried to set a Guinness World Record when he got two tattoos while 40,000 feet above. The NYDN has the pictures of his new douche-ified tattoos. The Biebs got the word “forgive” tattooed under his bellybutton and a giant Ed Hardy-like tacky cross tattooed on his chest. I’m trying to figure out how is it possible that the tattooed cross on that anti-christ’s chest didn’t immediately turn upside down and start bleeding out blood.
“Welcome to Justin Bieber’s body, Banksy balloon girl. Being a tattoo on Justin is a huge bummer, so just remember that if you need anything, whether it be counselling, emotional support, or just a shoulder to cry on, we’re all here for you.” – Embarrassed Jesus
Because Justin Bieber is dead set on turning his body in a Lisa Frank sticker book, he’s added yet another tattoo to his diverse collection. On Wednesday, Justin forged a note from his mom and chose his best fake I.D. (Rad Brandon from Manitoba) and got street artist Banksy’s Balloon Girl tattooed on his right forearm. Yes it looks like it was copied from a picture taken on a Motorola Razr. Yes it looks like it was done with Blo-Pens. Yes Justin’s joker tattoo just popped a bottle of Champale in celebration of no longer being the shittiest tattoo.
Shortly after Justin posted the picture of his tattoo to his Shots account, the “artist” responsible for this mess (if I could have thrown more quotes around the word artist, I would have) felt compelled to explain why Justin’s tattoo looks less like Balloon Girl and more like Ballewn Gurl, her Dollar Tree equivalent. Glen Hartless explained on his Instagram that the tattoo was “more subtle imagery” and that “we weren’t after a carbon copy rip off”. Uh huh. I’m sure that’s what the artist of this tattoo said too. “Of course it looks nothing like her, I was going for more subtle imagery!”
Now start placing your bets for what his next awful tattoo will be! A stick-poke of a yin-yang? A tribal tramp stamp? No Ragrets? The sky’s the limit!
You can go ahead and proclaim today to be Duh Day at Dlisted, because I’m bringing you yet another story dug from the dumpster of obviousness (it’s located behind an abandoned Chi-Chi’s). Right after Justin Bieber was arrested for drinking too much Capri Sun and drag racing his Cozy Coupe through the streets of Miami, Seth Rogen tweeted the most truthful tweet that’s ever been tweeted:
”All jokes aside, Justin Bieber is a piece of shit”
So when Rogen appeared on Watch What Happens Live Wednesday night, Andy Cohen acted in the best interests of trolling everywhere and asked him to elaborate on exactly why he thinks Justin is a diaper wipe’s dream, he said:
“In my opinion, Justin Bieber is a piece of shit. He seems like he’s obnoxious and ungrateful, insincere, and he puts people’s lives at danger and overall he acts like a piece of shit.”
Then shit demanded an apology from Seth Rogen because they were deeply insulted he compared them to Mighty Max’s asshole doppelgänger.
Personally, I’m hurt that Seth Rogen was so restrained in his description of Tantrum Toddler; there’s no reason why he had to stop at 3 adjectives and 2 expletives (unless Andy Cohen gave him a time limit, in which case, yeah you really need to limit what you say about Justin Bieber because you could go on for hours).
In the event Seth Rogen is asked again what he thinks of TT, he should feel free to use any of the following: repugnant, egotistical, a dirty douchenozzle, the swaggy skid mark in the chonies of society, about as pleasant as popping an anal cyst with a wooden splinter, that he looks like Ike Broflovski going through puberty (how am I doing for time? Should I keep going?)
If two 8th graders who suffered severe brain and nerve damage from huffing freon out of their parents’ air conditioning units spent 10 minutes choreographing a dance to a John Legend song in a darkly lit garage for the junior high school talent show, they would still place higher than Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. The thug princess who rules every deposition queefed out (and then deleted) two Instagram videos tonight which will make you cringe yourself inside/out. Justin’s garbage bag gauchos should be illegal in every state, but these videos of their “dancing” looks like scenes straight out of a low-budget, thrown together remake of Save The Last Dance for Disney Jr.
It’s like watching a chihuahua drag around his favorite stuffed chipmunk toy to hump on and I’m glad Justin Bieber didn’t get lipstick from that shit. And if this was a game where we had to guess what their beautiful and delicate interpretive dance is about, I’d guess it’s either about “the exact moment when gonorrhœa infects a vagina” or it’s about a butt plug that keeps slipping out of a baggy b-hole. It’s probably the latter. They’re romantic and artistic like that.
If Everlast found a way to turn Justin Bieber’s deposition video into a punching bag, they’d be the richest company on the planet and we’d all have broken knuckles and triceps the size of that little twat’s ego from punching that shit repeatedly. Because damn, the Biebs’ deposition video could be used as propaganda for the Abuelitas 4 Spanking League.
The runny bowel nugget that Canada shat onto the US was deposed last week in Miami for that lawsuit thrown at him by a paparazzo who was allegedly attack by his bodyguard and TMZ got a hold of the video. It’s smugness triple wrapped in arrogance and covered with several layers of thick, frothy dick cheese. The Biebs’ face contorts into an arrogant smirk at almost every question that the paparazzo’s lawyer asks him. The Biebs pretends he doesn’t know Usher’s government name, he asks if it’s a deposition or an interview, he calls the lawyer Katie Couric and his anus lips pop off when he’s asked about Selena Gomez. It’s the most hilarious thing this wet piece of tampon lint has ever done. He’s a spoiled, bratty, shit head toddler one minute and a know-it-all asshole dad the next. It’s one hundred percent pure douche and I think my asshole is cleaner from watching it. Kanye and King Joffrey both watched this and said at the same time, “Tone it down, bitch, tone it down.”
I’ll stop, because you really should just watch this mess for yourself. But before you hit play, Gorilla Glue your computer to your desk, because you will want to throw it against the wall before taking a sledgehammer to it.
Where was an abuelita with a chancleta when we all needed one most?! Every time that popped nipple pimple smirked, I thought to myself that if I did that in front of my abuelita, I wouldn’t be able to smirk again, because my face would be paralyzed from her slapping me with all her rings on. The next time the Vanilla Ice butt plug is deposed, the other side should bring an abuelita with them for ammunition. The abuelita wouldn’t even have to slap him. She’d raise a switch at him and he’d go running out of the room while screeching like a kid who was pepper sprayed in the face by a trans flower on the subway.
And the words, “I think I was detrimental to my own career,” will one day be etched into his career’s tombstone.
Whispers From The Junior High School Cafeteria: Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez Are Hanging Out Again
Selena Gomez was recently in rehab for her addiction to booze, the good shit, Ambien and Justin Bieber, and while she was in there her family should’ve handcuffed her to a sturdy bed and brought in a Catholic priest to bust an exorcism on her. Because if you’re “addicted” to that Sizzurp-filled boil, then it’s obvious some dark-sided shit is possessing your body. Or you’re just dumber than a dried dingle clinging to a dog’s hairy ass. Well, whatever the case may be, Selena can’t stop getting her fix of the worst kind of bad shit. TMZ posted this picture of Selena and the swaggy Kid Sister doll coming out of a restaurant in McAllen, TX today after having breakfast together. It was like old times again when Selena had to change the Biebs Pampers in the bathroom after he made an oopsie poopy from eating too many chocolate chip pancakes.
TMZ says that after breakfast, Selena and the Biebs went to Starbucks and then to a perfumeria where he bought Obsession by Calvin Klein and Pour Homme by Givenchy. Selena is in Texas for a show on Saturday night and TMZ says that the Biebs has no other reason to be there, so he probably flew in just for her.
Yesterday, Justin Bieber was in Miami for a deposition in a civil suit filed by a pap who claims to have gotten whooped by one his bodyguards, and apparently he threw another hissy fit and left the room when lawyers started asking questions about Selena Gomez. So the emotions are still raw and nobody can burp the Biebs like Selena can. You know, a lot of hos say that Selena Gomez can do better, but after reading that she went to la perfumeria with him and allowed him to buy Obsession by CK in the year 2014, it’s obvious to me that she’s as much of a gross monster as he is. They deserve each other!
When I was in the 7th grade, I would sit at the cafeteria table gossiping with my cholita friends about the on-and-off relationship of two brats we hated. And here I am decades later, gossiping about the one-and-off relationship of two 13-year-olds (on the inside). I’ve really evolved as a human being.
Yes, actual visual confirmation that Justin Bieber is able to go potty all by himself. You did it, Justin! You made a pee-pee on your own and for that, you get to choose if you’d rather have chicken nuggies or hot dogtopuses for dinner.
But back to the video. I thought I’d finally have reason to bust out the Guthy-Renker Portable Eye Gouger I got in my stocking at Christmas when it was announced a potty training video of Tantrum Toddler would be released. Sadly, the unopened Eye Gouger is still in my closet next to 200 boxes of Proactive, because the video was not bad enough to make my eyes scream in horror.
If I wasn’t told me this was a video of TT giving a urine sample in jail, I might have thought it was leaked security camera footage from the washroom at a Yo Gabba Gabba concert. It could also be a live stream from the wash station at an illegal dog groomers located in some shady fucker’s basement. Basically, what I’m trying to say is it’s nothing to get your diaper in a twist over.
And slow claps to the master-level trolling by the guy who’s job it was to censor Bieber’s junk. That giant black box is the dick-hiding version of a comically-oversized foam finger. There’s no way his dick is any larger than one of his Fisher-Price Little People, so choosing a black rectangle that big made me choke on my Baileys.
Justin Bieber’s Urine Test Video From Jail Is Going To Be Released, But His Junk Will Be Blacked Out
And praise fucking everything, because nobody but Justin Bieber’s pediatrician should ever see his potty trained pi-pi making wee-wee. Hell, even Pedobear wasn’t comfortable with the idea of looking at what was underneath My Buddy’s red overalls. So today we should all be pouring out a cup of sizzurp as a sign of respect for the poor soul at the Miami-Dade County police department who’s job it is to go in and blur out Tantrum Toddler’s crotch.
HuffPo says video clips of Justin’s time in jail will be released with appropriate censoring to protect his privacy, but not everyone agrees with the decision to do so. Both TT’s lawyers and the Miami-Dade County Judge agree that releasing the video would be an invasion of privacy and totally creepy because he looks like a fucking 9-year-old (I added that last part because they forgot to) but the state of Florida is a slut when it comes to their open records laws, so they’re releasing that piss video no matter what. If you see Pimp Mama Kris skulking around Miami-Dade County in the pantsuit she wears to piss video negotiations anytime soon, you’ll know why.
I understand that legally they have to release the video, but I’m not sure just what kind of person wants to see a video of Justin Bieber giving a urine test. This all feels like an elaborate set-up by Chris Hansen and the To Catch a Predator team. “You’ve chosen to view a video titled Justin Bieber Peeing. Why don’t you go ahead and take a seat over there.”
And because you need something to keep the NOPE sector in your brain busy between now and when that piss video is released, here are some pictures taken of TT’s tattoos while he was being held in police custody during his January arrest. I’d have to say my personal favourite is the shitty joker, but embarrassed-looking Jesus is a close second.
“Justin! Look over here honey! Can you smile please? I know you’re tired, but I’d like to send a Gammy a picture of you at the zoo. Justin honey, if you don’t smile, we’re going home and you won’t get to see the baby pandas.”
Awww, Baby’s First DUI Trial; they grow up so fast! Pattie Mallette must be so proud of her lil’ angel; she’s probably at home right now cleaning off the dried formula puke from his christening suit. He’s going to need to look his best because TMZ is saying that Justin Bieber’s Miami DUI case will be going to trial. Everybody cross your fingers, cross your dog’s fingers, find Finger Street on a map and cross it; do whatever you need to do to make it so Judge Judy presides over this trial.
Knowing that every aspect of Justin Bieber’s DUI arrest was messier than his finger paintings, Miami prosecutors have offered to sweep everything under the rug with a no-contest plea to reckless driving and mandatory drug testing for 6 to 9 months. Sources connected to Bieber say they will refuse any plea presented to them, especially one that involves probationary terms like drug testing, because baby-baby-baby-DUH, he’d fail a drug test just by looking at it. Also, Justin would rather eat off-brand Goldfish crackers than admit he was being a shitty driver by taking a plea deal, so it’s likely to go to trial. Sadly, he has the power of shitty police reports on his side, which means the whole thing could get thrown out and he’ll be back to ripping down the street in his Power Wheels in no time.
However, if the universe takes pity on humanity, and Justin is found guilty of DUI, resisting arrest, and driving on an expired license, he could be sentence to 2.5 years in prison. Oooh, I know what I’m dreaming about tonight. We open on a humid Florida courtroom. The jury consists of 11 guys named Skooter and a gator wearing a pair of bifocals. Pissed off that they’re missing cheeseburger fuck hour at the Waffle House, they all agree to just “get this shit wrapped up and send this motherfucker to prison”. BRB, I need to go write a play called 12 Angry Bros.