Hallelujah! The clouds have parted and a single ray of sunlight is shining brightly over Justin Bieber, because divine Hillsong intervention has worked for the first time in history and blessed him with a sprinkling of common sense. Despite Justin Bieber looking like a homeless tweaker in that picture above (“Only ‘looking’?” thought anyone who has seen THAT video), he’s worth millions. TMZ reports that The Biebs and Hailey Baldwin did not get secret married last week after being spotted obtaining their marriage license, because they are busy working out a prenup before they hit the gallows- I mean aisle. It’s a Hollywood miracle! A completely rational decision being made by two horny celebrity 20 somethings in a rush to get married. This brings a tear to my eye.
TMZ is claiming that the reportedly-unmarried-so-far Justin Bieber is applying to become a U.S. citizen. Does that mean we can trade Trump to Canada? Isn’t there some kind of strict mega-celebrity asshole quota between nations that must remain perfectly balanced or the earth will fly into the sun? We can’t live in a country that houses both of them. It’s inhumane.
UPDATE: Or at least Hailey Baldwin claims they didn’t get married yet.
I understand where the speculation is coming from, but I’m not married yet!
— Hailey Baldwin (@haileybaldwin) September 14, 2018
Can someone please go check on Selena Gomez?! And not Taylor Swift – she’ll be too busy cartwheeling around the bedroom in glee to provide much therapy. It was only over our first cup of coffee this morning that Kristian spilled the tea that Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin had been spotted down at the NYC Marriage Bureau yesterday, and some figured they were getting a marriage license and hightailing it to Canada to get married. Well, it sounds like they went ahead and got married at the courthouse after being engaged for two months. And yes, if you’re like me you heard the sound of a shot gun before asking, “Wait, The Biebs can make jizz?”
I know: celebrities being spotted at marriage court is so different from what we usually hear. Usually it’s divorce court. I mean, that’s probably these two’s next stop, but lets give it a few months.
Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin have said that they were in no rush to get to the altar even though they were so in love with each other. It seems like that notion went to shit when they realized how much publicity this shit is spinning up, because those two are moving fast.
Scooter Braun, manager of or person responsible for assisting in unleashing the terror that is Justin Bieber (depending on which side of history you’re on) recently spoke about his relationship with Justin on Van Lathan’s The Red Pill podcast (via E! News). Scooter says the life of Justin’s manager wasn’t always about booking gigs and cashing massive checks; at one point in time, Scooter was terrified that Justin was going to die. This might be the most somber thing to come from the mouth of a guy named “Scooter.”
Justin Bieber has decided that he wants to move back to Canada… full-time. Oh god, I never thought this would ever actually happen. I mean, it never happens! Ever! When people leave Canada to become famous stars they never come back! Well, apart from Celine Dion who is a national treasure and is probably contractually obliged to be in the country for at least four months out of the year. I’m in Canada, so excuse me as I try to lock the front doors while there’s still time.