…and so am I, obviously.
It’s been over a week since Mariah Carey’s gigantic shit show hit Times Square and instead of letting the people forget about it, she and her manager Stella Bulochnikov keep bringing it up over and over again. I had no idea that Mimi was the type who after she takes a colossal shit in her toilet, texts you a picture of it and then brings it up again a week later over drinks…and again a week after that over dinner.
TMZ says that Johnny Depp recently filed legal documents side-eyeing Amber Heard’s request for her settlement money. Amber filed a request for order in December which accused Johnny of stalling on the $6.8 million in settlement payments he owed her from their divorce. Money that she had promised to two charities, the ACLU and the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles. Johnny shot back and asked a judge to force Amber to pony up $100,000 for his legal fees. Now Johnny is accusing Amber of wanting more settlement money. Not because she wants money, mind you. No, in Johnny Depp’s mind, she wants more money in an attempt to stay relevant and keep people feeling bad for her.
Back in July, Michael K had the unenviable task of breaking some hard news to us: Lifetime kicking us in our nostalgia nads by remaking Beaches. Well, we’re fast approaching the release of Beaches 2.0, so Lifetime released a trailer. Let’s just watch this thing and get it over with.
As you can see, the new version is going to have Idina Menzel in Bette Midler’s spot and Nia Long in Barbara Hershey’s. As you can hear, Idina is going to be caterwauling Bette’s 1988 hit “Wind Beneath My Wings” among other songs, both old and new.
I hopped off the Idina Menzel train head-first back during those unspeakable years when every child alive wanted to sing Frozen songs at me. She’s a great talent and she gave us one of my favorite John Travolta gaffes of all time so I won’t hate too hard. But that voice sends the wrong kind of chills up my spine and this trailer was tough.
Even tougher are the visuals. This trailer looks like an extended ad for a medium-fancy rehab facility that calls itself a “wellness retreat center.” Whatever it is, it’s definitely not the original. Remember how shitty and selfish CC was? And how Hillary would just sit and scowl all aloof in a corner? THAT was drama. This new trailer is just cuts of two women laughing and touching their foreheads together.
Click below if you’ve ever seen two suburban moms catching up at a Cracker Barrel and thought, “I wish this story would come to life.”
Variety says that a little over 8 million people watched last night’s American Music Awards (which was down a giant 31% from 2015) and so that means a little over 8 million people have sore faces this morning from cringing hard over Gigi Hadid trying to bring the comedy. Gigi co-hosted the AMAs with Jay Pharoah and for me, they were easily the most entertaining part of the night. Their opening was such a train wreck that I’m sure federal investigators are going to launch an investigation into how and why it happened.
If Kanye West’s recent semi-coherent ramble at the MTV VMAs is any indication, then Kanye West still has the mind of an ADHD hamster that just discovered what a mirror is. Since Kanye has an attention span of about 0.3 seconds, one would think he would have gotten bored of pulling at Taylor Swift’s metaphorical pigtails by now. But apparently Taylor is still someone he loves to talk about. He reminded us about their feud in his VMA speech, and he did it again backstage.
Yoga is thousands of years old and tricks have been Downward Dog-ing and Child’s Posing in the US for decades, but I guess Goopy Paltrow has steamed her coochie so much that loads of hot air have traveled up to her head, because she believes that she was doing yoga before yoga went mainstream. Yes, Goopy is a wellness hipster.
While talking to The Cut (via Celebitchy) about wellness stuff, the interviewer verbally rubbed her taint by saying that she made wellness “cool.” Goopy was then asked if she remembers when she first started using the word “wellness.” She spit out this stream of bullshit that may make you do the rolling tuck pose with both of your eyes:
I don’t know. We’ve talked a lot about health and wellness at Goop. I’ve always been interested in alternative ways of achieving this elusive wellness. I’ve been very experimental and I’ve tried all kinds of modalities, diets, and juices. I kind of like being the guinea pig for it all.
I remember when I started doing yoga 20 years ago, and people thought I was super weird and didn’t know what I was doing. It’s the same way with organic food or acupuncture. I was always the one saying “Hey, this is cool,” and people being like, “You’re super weird.” And now, yoga is … [Gestures big].
You know the words “I told you so” are on the tip of Goopy’s tongue and can’t wait to launch them when poon steaming salons pop up in mini-malls from Key West to Spokane, and everyone’s grandma is getting her crotch wonton hit with a cloud of hot air every other week. When vagina steaming becomes mainstream, Goopy will let us know she was the godmother of it! But back to Goopy being a hipster yogi, I’m just going to leave this video from 1993 of Jane Fonda here:
Nobody would’ve dared call yoga “weird” if Jane Fonda was doing it. Goopy stays proving that even though she gets a million colonics, she’s still full of shit. On another note, that Let It Go chick from Frozen totally stole Jane Fonda’s ‘do.