Category: Just Fuck Already
Angelina Jolie And The Weeknd’s Relationship Continues To Confound
Angelina Jolie’s ex-husband Brad Pitt had a hip, younger are they? friend in Alia Shawkat, so Angie went out and got her own hip, younger are they? friend, The Weeknd. Now, because I can’t remember if Brad got Us Weekly in the divorce and Angie got E! News or vise versa, I don’t know whether to believe that Angie and Abel are just friends bonding over mutual interests as E! posits or if Angie has been rendered a babbling idiot who “lights up” at the mere mention of his name as reported by Us Weekly. But shit, I light up every time Daniel Craig introduces The Weeknd too, so maybe she just hates Mondays as much as the rest of us.
Prophet Justin Bieber Says We Will All Regret Not Celebrating Chris Brown’s Genius While He’s Still Alive
Street prophet Justin Bieber cinched up his big boy pants (the full length ones!), pulled on his best socks and slides combo and stood on his corner soapbox to warn us citizens of humanity that we’re going to be really, really, super sorry for not supporting the unmistakeable talent and superstardom of his most bestest friend in the whole wide world while we had the chance! No, you have not been transported back to the year AD 20 when Jesus was walking among us making miracles happen. Sadly you are still stuck in AD 2019 and Justin is talking about none other than Chris Brown. Yes, that Chris Brown. The Biebs thinks that Chris is the #1 singer in the world and therefore we should overlook the “little” acts of his assholery and abuses towards women or we’ll all be sorry when he’s dead, just like we were over the premature deaths of Michael Jackson and Tupac Shakur. You hear that? We’ll all be sorry!
This Dude Looks Like He Was “Inbred With A Tomato,” So Thinks Johnny Depp
I don’t exactly know how he can be “inbred with a tomato,” but I see it. That picture is giving me “Willy Wonka’s three-course meal gum malfunctioning during the tomato soup part.”
Barnaby Joyce, Australia’s agriculture minister turned deputy PM, has officially replaced soap as Johnny Depp’s number one enemy. The never-ending saga of the Yorkie smuggling case that rocked Australia and the world finally came to an end last month. Amber Heard pleaded guilty to falsifying quarantine documents, and after she and Johnny filmed a hilarious apology/hostage video, she got a slap on the wrist. That was that until Barnaby and Johnny decided to drag it out some more. Barnaby gave his own bitchy review of the apology video and Johnny also made fun of the video and the whole situation at a press conference. Well, on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Monday, Johnny talked about one of his greatest artistic achievements (aka that apology/hostage video) and also said that Barnaby Joyce probably tastes delicious with a drizzling of balsamic and a slice of mozzarella.