I can only imagine the disappointed thoughts Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are telepathically communicating to each other as they watch people walk the Met Gala red carpet. If had to guess, it was probably something along these lines:
“So much nude illusion fabric. And the sequins – so many sequins. I think I’m going to be sick.”
“I too am feeling ill, sister. Fetch me a fainting squirrel, I shall need to lie down.”
The Met Gala really isn’t the Met Gala until fashion’s creepiest pocket goths make an appearance. I was excited to see if they would wear something in keeping with the theme, but of course they didn’t. DUH! Mary Kate and Ashley showed up in the same floor-length body-swallowing black sadness sacks they always wear. I’m sure there’s a high-fashion word for whatever they’re wearing, but I’m scared I can’t afford to even look it up online. Whatever they’re wearing, I’m sure it’s very expensive and was made from the finest of endangered spider hairs and antique mourning lace.
Or maybe they’re dressed all in black as a not-so-subtle “You are DEAD to us” message to John Stamos.
And here’s what feels like everyone else from last night, but is really just 1/98th of the people there. Fucking everyone went to that Met Gala. I bet the rats behind Guy Fieri’s restaurant got dressed up in little rat-sized tuxedos and went too. Anyway, most were pretty boring, but some people brought it. AnnE Hathaway looked like a shimmery tapeworm, Dakota Johnson looked like the backsplash tile model from a home improvement show, and Anna Wintour looked like a street corner sign waver mascot for an opium den (don’t worry, I barely know what that means either).
[INTERNALLY SCREAMING] – Kanye West in that picture
Speaking of overblown titles that don’t really mean anything, the party for Time’s annual 100 Most Influential of 2015 list happened in NYC last night. Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian were there, because in addition to being on Summer’s Eve Most Influential list and Botox’s Most Influential list, they were also on the Time 100. While Kuntye and Kummy Kakes posed for photographers, Amy Schumer, whose face is all over the Internet right now, decided to screw with their ho stroll game a bit by throwing herself on the carpet in front of them. At first Kanye probably though it was just another one of his disciples worshiping at the godly feet of Yeezus. But his ego nearly throbbed to the point of exploding when he realized it was just that All About That Bass chick stealing the spotlight from him. If you looked inside of Kanye’s head in that picture, you’d probably see the rose garden scene from Mommie Dearest. Bitch is ready to chop down a tree over this shit.
He probably got off the red carpet and started fisting the air and firing people over someone snatching away his STUNT QUEEN tiara right in front of him.
Amy told Time that she did it, because why the hell not:
“I saw them and said to my publicist: ‘Can I pretend to fall?’ and she said, ‘I can’t stop you,”
Kim didn’t really seem to mind. She even cracked the Botox mask she calls a face by smiling a little. Kim smiled because she thought Amy was playing a fun game of charades and she knew the answer. Seeing Amy with dead eyes and on all fours made Kim think to herself, “I know, I know! The answer is, ‘How I got famous!’”
And here’s more of the Time 100 wearing boring outfits at last night’s gala thing.
Meanwhile, Julianne Moore is like “Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of my ACADEMY AWARD.” According to the Hürriyet Daily News (via New York Daily News), Julianne Moore was recently dropped as the face of a Turkish tourism campaign and in a twist of irony, the official reason written on her pink slip was “poor acting”.
Julianne was hired to appear in a promotional tourism video as part of a campaign called “Home Of”, which would feature Julianne talking about childhood trips to Turkey with her family. It was supposedly shot last year in Los Angeles (apparently some parts of LA look like Istanbul?) and was set to air in Turkey in February of 2014. The only problem was the people at Turkey’s Ministry of Culture and Toursim saw it, they weren’t happy with her performance and wanted her to re-shoot it. But when they called up Julianne, she was all “Sorry Turkey, Julianne Moore doesn’t do re-shoots“. That’s when Turkey shitcanned the whole thing and blamed it on Julianne Moore’s “poor acting”.
Apparently, Turkey’s beef (I’ll show myself out) with Julianne might have started way before they began filming. The Hürriyet Daily News says that when Julianne was chosen as the face of the “Home Of” campaign, many people pulled a Michael Bluth-style “Her?” because she was perceived as having a “depressive persona.” Wait, they do know Julianne Moore and Laura Brown from The Hours aren’t the same person, right?
The company who filmed Julianne Moore’s tourism video hasn’t said what kind of re-shoots needed to happen, but I’m sure they could have just subbed in some clips of Nancy Donovan from 30 Rock and Maggie from Boogie Nights. Sure, the accents would be all over the place, but no one is going to notice if they’re too busy wondering “No really…why is Julianne Moore trying to sell me on a trip to Turkey?“
Julianne Moore, or as she’s known on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar this month: JULIANNE MOORE OSCAR WINNER, is finally giving us her thoughts on that stupid-ass close-up fingernail camera known as the E! mani-cam. Julianne Moore refused to walk her fingers down that busted Polly Pocket-looking miniature red carpet at the SAG Awards and now she’s telling Harper’s Bazaar why:
“I’m 54 years old. I can’t make my fingers walk; it’s humiliating! And a guy asked me to lift up my skirt to show them my shoes, and I said, ‘I don’t need to do that. Let’s keep some dignity.'”
She’s not wrong. If you take Julianne Moore’s mani-cam experience out of context, it’s basically a middle-aged woman being asked to pretend her fingers are a pair of legs and to strut them around in front of a camera. Add in some “Goodbye Horses” by Q Lazzarus, and you have the creepiest remake of Buffalo Bill’s dancing scene from Silence of the Lambs ever made.
Julianne also talked about famous types eating low-fat air and skinny water lattes to fit into their fancy awards season dresses:
“We’d all be lying if we said we aren’t watching what we eat. Of course we are! I think we’re also really stressed. I’m not a stress eater. I get nervous and I don’t eat. But, you know, I had a dress on the other day, and I said to my manager, ‘When you see my back fat sticking out, tuck it back in!’ Be a friend.”
In the wise words of Phoebe Price’s gorgeous drag queen doppelgänger Alyssa Edwards: BACK ROLLS?! Only a shady bitch would point out another trick’s Pillsbury back rolls. Oooh, maybe it was a test for her manager; she says “Tell me if my back fat is sticking out” and if her manager says anything but “Back fat? What back fat?” then she’s on watch.
Here’s Julianne Moore in Harper’s Bazaar looking like the bored ex-wife of a candy bar tycoon named Francis St. Francis from a 1970’s soap opera called The Wealthersons, if you need that imagery in your life:
A wise ho once told me “You can be classy, sassy, or assy” (truly wise words to live by), and since we’ve already covered sassy and assy, here’s Lupita Nyong’o working some classy. Lupita is the definition of class to begin with, but she could have shown up wearing a pearl-covered coochie shield and I still would have thrown her into the classy pile, because pearls are classy as hell. You could throw the trashiest, dirtiest skank in a pearl necklace (not THAT kind), and you’d be all “Excuse me, madame – may I offer you a glass of Champale and a cigarette that I didn’t roll myself just now in the bathroom?”
But really, what more is there to say about Lupita Nyong’o’s amazing pearl-encrusted Oscar dress than: PEARLS. So many pearls. Every pearl. Sorry, oysters, all your pearls are belong to us. And by us, I mean Lupita; she has all your pearls now. Your job here is done, oysters; all you have now is being delicious when shucked raw and topped with mignonette sauce. And to Lupita’s stylist (who I assume is Pearl Van Oyster from The Waterville Gang), good job on the diamond earrings; I think pearls would have been too on-the-nose.
Here’s more of Lupita looking like the Atlantis entry into the Miss Universe pageant, as well as just about every other fancy dressed type at the Oscars last night, including Julianne Moore, JLo looking like the textbook definition of JLo, and the ghost of my last duvet Marion Cotillard:
When last year’s award season sweetheart (after the Texas T-Rex, of course) Jared Leto won the Independent Spirit Award for Best Supporting Actor for The Dallas Buyers Club, he spent a million minutes thanking every single person who ever lived from Steve Jobs to Mozart to Kurt Cobain to the billion people on Earth to James Gandolfini’s kids to the makers of vegan butter to the inventor of the zipper to his future ex-wife Lupita Nyong’o, etc.. etc… Bitch wasn’t done. At yesterday’s Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica, CA, Jared Leto handed out the award for Best Supporting Actor and before J.K. Simmons’ name slipped out of his delicate lips, he mouth queefed out more people and animals he forgot to thank. And he did it whilewearing a blazer I swear Linda Dano wore on Another World at least once. As your ass can tell from the video from The Hollywood Reporter above, Jared thanked the frog he viciously murdered and Richard Simmons. Take out the frog-killing shit and switch out Poquito Mas for Del Taco and this would pretty much read like my acceptance speech if I won anything.
“That frog that I accidentally squeezed to death in second grade, thank you for teaching me how short life truly can be. Richard Simmons, my flexibility, endurance and uncanny fashion sense. All of my homies at Poquito Mas on Ventura Boulevard. And last but not least my grandmother for beating me senseless with a fly swatter, teaching me that you can’t get away with everything that you think you can. Respect your elders unless you want a can of whoop-ass.”
And a little later on last night, a wet piece of shit fell on Jared Leto’s head and he probably thought Linda Dano threw it at him for wearing her favorite blazer. But nope, it was the frog he murdered shitting on him from heaven for using its tragic death for laughs. This little speech might’ve made you roll your eyes out of their sockets, but I do appreciate him paying homage to the bedazzled dandelion Richard Simmons and NOT THE ONE abuelitas. However, I still can’t believe Jared hasn’t thanked the one person he needs to thank: Rickie Vasquez. Every speech where Jared Leto doesn’t thank Rickie Vasquez is a speech nobody needs to hear.
To see all the winners from yesterday, click here. Below are approximately ten thousand pictures of everyone who was at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday. You might want to put on some industrial-strength goggles before getting to Oprah’s picture, because her mighty chichis will punch your eyeballs if you don’t protect them.