Paula Abdul is just three months away from threatening Britney Spears’ Las Vegas Queen of Lip-Synching crown by starring in her own residency at the Flamingo. It’s been called a night of music, dance, and storytelling. I’m disappointed in Paula for not naming her show, Paula Abdul: I’M TRYING TO TELL A GODDAMN STORY!
Paula got Vegas’ tip wet last night by closing the Billboard Music Awards with a medley of some of her greatest hits. And I say “some” because she wrongly left out the classic hits Crazy Cool and Will You Marry Me? But still, Paula’s performance had everything! It had Paula lazily lip-synching to her songs. It had Paula tap-synching at the beginning to a recorded tap track. It had Paula giving us 90s Pia Zadora. It had Paula falling (only, she did it on purpose this time). It had MC Skat Kat (in the real technologically advanced bit of the night)! And it had Paula turning her hat into a ninja star and nearly taking off Julianne Hough’s head. If you’re wondering why Julianne Hough is a thing, now you know. The universe made her famous so that in 2019 she would sit front row at the Billboard Music Awards and happily get hit by Paula Abdul’s flying hat.
You know when Tim Gunn used to warn Project Runway contestants about making sure their looks don’t go too costumey? It always turned out to be pretty solid advice, and contestants who didn’t heed his warnings were usually sent home. I always imagined those losing designers slipped quietly away to careers in the circus or on the drag circuit. But judging from the runway at last night’s Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, some of them went on to have lucrative careers making costumes for remakes of popular movies.
It’s been over 10 years since The Hurt Locker won the Academy Award for Best Picture. That means it’s ripe for a remake. In this version, Mustard has the nerve wracking job of diffusing Mariah Carey’s Lush bath bombs. It’s a dangerous job, but Mustard’s just the man to do it. Look, he’s on the hair brush right now, getting dispatched to his next mission. They’ve found a Bom Perignon in Mimi’s toilet!
The song “Jolene” by Dolly Parton is near and dear to my heart. My award winning (dive bar karaoke contest, Savannah GA, 2001) rendition of the 1973 hit brings down the house every time. So you’ll understand why I might feel a bit protective of it. According to Deadline, “Jolene” will be one of the songs featured in the upcoming Netflix anthology series Dolly Parton’s Heartstrings, a show that will dramatize 8 of Dolly’s “most beloved songs”. For the “Jolene” episode, Julianne Hough will play the titular home wrecking tramp and I’m left wondering, where are her flaming locks of auburn hair? Eyes of emerald green? I’m strongly against this casting choice but it seems Dolly’s on board, and she did write the song so I’m just going to have to let her have this one.
It’s like they always say: a honeymoon isn’t really a honeymoon until you ask a stranger to take an awkward picture of you recreating the poster for Krippendorf’s Tribe on the beach.
Julianne Hough and her new husband Brooks Laich got married on July 8th. What do you usually do after a wedding? (Besides rinse cake frosting out of your hair and brace yourself for the Visa bill, of course). You go on a honeymoon. But if you’re Julianne and Brooks, you go on a honeymoon and document all the totally-natural antics for some social media likes.
I know Lady Gaga’s thing right now is hats, specifically that pink one that’s practically the official mascot of her Joanne promotional tour. So I shouldn’t have been surprised that she showed up to the American Music Awards last night in her biggest, stiffest-brimmed hat. It was nice of her to switch out that pink hat for the evening. I’m sure it was starting to get all limp from all the sweaty forehead foundation it was no doubt collecting and could use a good soak before the Grammys in February. Sorry AMAs, but you get the backup hat.
Last week, Dancing with the Very Loose Definition of Stars found themselves attached to a little post-show drama over Amber Rose’s body. Amber claimed on an episode of Loveline with Amber Rose that after she and her partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy performed a salsa to Jennifer Lopez’s “Booty“, she overheard judge Julianne Hough make a crack about feeling “a little uncomfortable.” Amber accused Julianne of body-shaming her XXL ass and thighs. Julianne swore in a statement that she was only shading Amber’s slo-mo moves. Well, one week later, the boot-scooting booty battle has fizzled out with an on-air apology.