We all know that the Mommy Army on social media doesn’t play and they will rip you to shreds in
140 280 characters or less if you don’t treat your baby exactly how they think you should treat them! Julia Stiles learned that the hard way. Continue reading
We’ve been shitting up post after post from last night’s Adele Appreciation Ceremony (Featuring Adele Appreciating Beyonce), but another awards show happened yesterday. Two weeks before Hollywood gets dressed up in $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the Oscars, they got into $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the BAFTAs last night.
Last week while encouraging the Oberlin college students to fight the good fight for authentic dining hall sushi, Lena Dunham reposted (then later deleted) an Instagram post by Girls producer Tami Sagher encouraging New Yorkers to peel away the guns from the Jason Bourne subway posters. Maria Menounos recently asked Jason Bourne himself what he thought about Lena Dunham calling on subway passengers to remove the gun from his cold, two-dimensional hands.
Another day, another awards show, but the Directors Guild Awards in Los Angeles were something special, because the hypnotic Ronn Moss graced their presence. If you don’t know who Ronn Moss is, there’s a good chance your jaw is going to unlock itself and quit your ass. Ronn Moss is a LEGEND (legend = Ridge Forrester on The Bold and the Beautiful) and his jawline is equally as legendary. Ronn could cut off your panties and shape your bush into a heart with that jaw! Zoolander could pucker like Renee Zellweger giving fellatio to a Lemonhead, and he still wouldn’t get Ronn’s organically beautiful jawline!
You know how some dudes spend years in the gym trying to get that V muscle under their abs? Well, Ronn was naturally born with a V muscle and he didn’t have to lift one stupid weight to get it. Yes, Ronn’s V muscle on his face, but he’s still got it. I swear, watching Ron chew on steak fat is probably a magical and spiritual experience. Let me add that one to my bucket list.
Strangely enough, the Directors Guild Awards weren’t only held to pay tribute to Adonis Ronn’s jaw of marble. They also gave out awards and a bunch of blah blah bitches (besides Ronn, of course) showed up. In order: Claire Danes, Colin Firth, Andrew Garfield, Helena Bonham Carter, Natalie Portman with Darren Aronofsky, Trent Reznor, Peg Bundy, some beige thing and Sofia Vergara.
This time last year, Vanilla Gorilla was making the award show rounds with Sandra Bullock, right before the Bombshit McGee hit the fan, and here he is back in his monkey suite with Kat Von D at the The Art of Elysium charity gala in L.A. last night. And Vanilla Gorilla still looks like he’s in the middle of an embalming fluid colonic and the technician is like, “HOLD IT IN!!!” Just uncomfortable as all hell.
Kat Von D, wearing a dress so tight I can see the outline of her labia tattoo, is all over his ass and he’s just standing there as stiff as an Alfred Hitchcock silhouette poster hanging over a hillbilly’s trailer toilet. It’s like he’d rather be at temple than in front of the camera. But not Kat Von D. Bitch is loving it. She wants you to talk about the ring on her LOOKIMNOTENGAGEDIMJUSTLOOKINGFORFUCKINGATTENTION finger. Moving on…
You know, The Art of Elysium gala should have temporarily changed its name to the Art of Asylum gala, because bitches looked straight-up CRAZY last night. Julia Stiles was greasy and bloated for no reason. Unless her reason is that she’s pregnant with a pizza slice from Chuck E. Cheese. Seriously, you can wring out a slice of Chuck E. Cheese pizza and have enough lube to last night you the rest of the year.
But nobody brought the crazy last night the way Rachel Griffiths (below left) did. Rachel was in Six Feet Under, so she usually gets a free pass from me, but I cannot ignore this disaster. Bitch, Jane Child (below right), YOU ARE NOT.
Leave the frizzy Beeker mullets to the professionals! Rachel was definitely trying to summon the second coming of Jane Child, but she looked more like Billy Ray Cyrus at his audition for the role of Magua in The Last of the Mohicans. Rachel, meditate more or fire your hair stylist so this never happens again.
Here’s a few others at last night’s event including: Kat Von D with VG, Rachel Ray Cyrus with her husband Andrew Taylor, DEVO!!!!, Eva Mendes, Kiki Dunst, Rachel Bilson, Leighton Meester, Nicole Richie, Amber Heard, James Franco, Camilla Belle with Jakey, Julia Stiles, Gerard Butler, Jennifer Hate Hewitt and Kelly Osbourne.
Julia Stiles has some shit to say about the rumor that her legs were the scissors that cut through Dexter’s marriage to his sister. The rumor was that Julia and Michael C. Hall were doing it on the set of Dexter while his marriage to Jennifer Carpenter was breaking into a million pieces. But Julia tells E!’s Marc Malkin that she will not accept Sienna Miller’s invitation to join The Platinum Homewreckers Club. Julia’s loss!
“I have absolutely nothing to do with the split between Michael and Jennifer. We are good friends and enjoyed working together. This is a personal matter between them, and we should respect their privacy. Although I too prefer to keep my private life, private—I felt compelled to dispel the rumors I was somehow the cause for this matter.”
“Enjoyed working together”? CAUGHT! Nobody actually enjoys working with others unless that other is sending a fuckyes wave from your coochie all the way up to the muscle that makes a smile. Yeah, they’re TOTALLY doing it (or not)!