Category: Julia Louis Dreyfus

Somewhere There’s A Barbie Dream House That’s Missing Its Curtains

September 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Andy Samberg’s tiny-voiced wife Joanna Newsom is sort of known for having a “fuck it, I wear what I want” attitude when it comes to red carpet clothes. Which is great, because, fuck it – wear what you want. And last night was no exception. Obviously the WTF Award went to Heidi Klum and whatever the hell she was wearing, but Joanna came pretty close.

Joanna’s look is sort of a mix between “accident at the Mattel factory involving a Pink n’ Pretty dining room set” and “fancy new money jellyfish“, and I don’t hate it. She looks like what I imagine Miss Piggy’s powder room looks like; just tons of random fabric and shit covered in gems. Also, if you squint a little, her dress sort of looks like a penis with a wart on the tip. Just me? Okay.

Other than Joanna, not many other famous types brought the messy eleganza. Probably because they knew it was going to be so hot, and they just couldn’t be bothered. That, or they knew no matter how foolish they tried to look, they’d be no match for Alan Cumming and his dress CROCS.

Regardless, here’s a bunch of other dresses from last night. And pants! A bunch of ladies wore pants. I don’t really blame them; it’s a lot easier to run back and forth to the bar during commercials if you don’t have to pull 30 lbs of fabric along with you.

Pics: Splash/INF, Wenn.com

All Of David Letterman’s Famous Friends Said Goodbye To Him Last Night

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

For those of you thinking “When did that backwards-talking tweaker who sat beside me on the bus that one time and smelled like tinfoil and Skittles become friends with David Letterman?“, I’m afraid that’s not your friendly neighborhood tweaker, but Jim Carrey. But even if it was the random dude who once tried to sell you something called ‘Special J’ (peroxide, Pixy Stix, and lice shampoo), just remember – it’s still better than who showed up for Jay Leno’s last episode.

So last night was David Letterman’s final episode of Late Night with David Letterman, and everyone came out to say goodbye. Three former and one current President of the United States opened the show, the Foo Fighters showed up and played “Everlong”, and the last Top Ten list was read by 10 of his most famous friends. We already knew Bill Murray was going to be there, thanks to the city-wide booze shortage he caused on Tuesday night, but he was joined by Jim Carrey (who looks like he drank whatever Bill threw up), Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld, and Peyton Manning? Sure, why not!

Also, big shout outs to Barbara Walters, who kept it together, even though it was obvious she had been sampling whatever liquid was left in the Will It Float tank. Speaking of Will It Float, where the hell was Grinder Girl?!? How could David gather all his nearest and dearest and forget the Late Show’s glamorous Russian crotch-grinding goddess? Maybe it was a health and safety thing; there’s always a chance Alec Baldwin might fall into a rage hole, and the last thing CBS would want is for him to grab a dangerous power tool on the way down.

Here are all Dave’s famous friends arriving at the final Late Show with David Letterman. Bye Dave! I’ll miss you and Paul Shaffer, but I’ll especially miss hearing that sex-voiced panty-dampening ginger announcer Alan Kalter (what? Don’t judge me).

Pics: Wenn.com

ICYMI: Julia Louis-Dreyfus And Bryan Cranston Made Mouth Love With Each Other At The Emmys

August 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Julia Louis-Dreyfus repeated two things this year: She wore red at the Emmys for the 1,489,095th time and she won an Emmy for the 456,984,988th. Before she accepted her Best Actress in a Comedy Emmy for the championship cursing she does in Veep, she had a moment with Bryan Cranston (who is giving me “Bill Murray as Magnum PI“) where their lips touched for a long time. I didn’t know whether I wanted to dim the lights and put my hand under my chonies or hide my eyes behind a pillow, because it’s kind of like watching your parents touch mouths for a long period of time.

But you know, that doesn’t really count as a “make out.” There was no tongue! It’s like when I make out with my pillow before I cry into a puddle over how I’ll probably be forever alone. I mean, that shit was totally G-Rated. St. Angie Jolie and her brother give each other more tongue when they make out.

Terrifying Things That Cannot Be Unseen: Kevin Spacey In Drag As Selena Meyer From Veep

August 6, 2014 / Posted by:

Entertainment Weekly really wanted to stretch your WTF muscle until it snapped, so for their “25 Best Characters on TV” issue, they put Frank Underwood from House of Cards in drag as Selena Meyer from Veep and put Selena Meyer in drag as Frank Underwood. If you watch Veep and House of Cards, you know why they swapped them, but I won’t spoil anything here, because it’s too early in the week for death threats.

Above is a To Wong Foo’d Kevin Spacey looking like Jennifer Aniston if Jennifer Aniston swapped out her Smart Water for HGH tea and stopped getting her weekly chemical face peels and laser treatments moisturizing her face with Aveeno every night. Kevin also kind of looks like a much hotter Patricia Heaton. The way Miss Kevin’s smirking tells me that he took his drag act all the way by wearing satin panties and he gets a flutter on the inside whenever his balls brush up against the silkiness.

And here’s a drag king’d up Julia Louis-Dreyfus looking like a cross between Cheri Oteri as Ross Perot and a Regis Philbin ventriloquist dummy.

jldhouseofcards

I was going to title this post “Which Would You Rather?” but none of us can or want to make that decision. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’d rather watch Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Frank Underwood drag work Kevin Spacey in Selena Meyer drag over with a strap-on while Kevin screams, “Fuck me harder, you varicose dick vein!” I hope they include that scene in the Veep/House of Cards crossover episode.

My Nightmares Thank You, Julia Louis-Dreyfus

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Between Katy Perry dressing up as a clown and Julia Louis-Dreyfus getting fucked by a clown in GQ, I’m going to need to schedule an appointment with my therapist ASAP, because I am all kinds of traumatized right now. Clowns are absolutely terrifying. There’s something about their fake, plastic-looking faces and pretend hair and fake noses and the ‘Look at me!’ attitude and the ill-fitting costumes and oh my god I’m describing Kim Kardashian, aren’t I? IT ALL MAKES SENSE! Dr. Whittmore, I think I’ve had a breakthrough!

But there is a reason why Julia Louis-Dreyfus is getting humped on by Krusty. It was part of a series of 4 shots for GQ that includes her macking on a clown at a clown party, going to downtown-clown-pound town (I’m guessing by the look on her face he wasn’t hung like a slide whistle) waking up the next morning wearing a pair of clown shoes and a look that says “Thanks for making a balloon animal out of my vagina“, then skipping ahead 9 clown-months into the future where she’s holding a tiny clown baby. Speaking of, did they give that clown baby Pennywise eyes on purpose?? Thanks GQ, you can pay for my dry cleaning, because that clown baby’s evil stare made me shit my pants.

Here’s more of Julia fucking on her clown friend in GQ. And if you’re also afraid of clowns, I dare you to look at these pictures while listening to creepy calliope music (but not before you put your therapist on speed dial, because there’s like a 90% chance you’ll need them immediately after to talk you down from the inevitable panic attack):

Pics: GQ

Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ Ass Dimples Are On The Cover Of Rolling Stone

April 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above doing the “Ahs so happy I’m getting a rectal exam” pose, 53-year-old Julia Louis-Dreyfus took off all her panties for the cover of Rolling Stone. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is the star of Veep, a show that I want to tongue fuck behind a Denny’s, because it is highly educational and makes me want to be a better curser. But the cover of Rolling Stone gave me a reason to hate JLD and the interview gave me ANOTHER reason to hate her.

I hate JLD, because she was gifted with a glorious pair of ass dimples. Ass dimples are built-in cum cups and who wouldn’t want those? You know you’re one of our creator’s special creatures when you can tell your piece, “Fill those holes with your dick spackle, bitch,” while he’s hitting it from the back. And if your piece’s name is Jon Gosselin, he can go balls deep into one of your butt dimples. Butt dimples are a rare gift. So I hate JLD because of that. I also hate her because she’s a billionaire who won’t admit she’s a billionaire.

When Rolling Stone asked about her father’s firm, the Louis Dreyfus corporation, which had holdings in energy, soybean-crushing plants and real estate – and recently donated $1 million to help eradicate voter suppression – she clarified that it’s her father’s business that’s valued in billions. “I’ve been attached to that,” she said. “It’s unbelievable, because whatever I do, people just assume it’s true. Welcome to the fuckin’ Internet.”

Okay, so JLD might not have Oprah money YET, but she’s still an heiress to a billion dollar fortune. So she should’ve just shrugged and said that yes, one day she can buy us all with cash and yes, we should also be jealous of her, because she can make her doggy-style sex times extra romantic by sticking skinny taper candles in her ass dimples.

And I take back that rectal exam comment. She’s obviously making a, “Don’t hate me because I’ve got butt dimples,” pose. And I do hate her for that.

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