Tracksuited weasel dropping Kid Rock has been asked by the city of Nashville to take his bawitdaba bullshit and get the hell off the back of whoever’s convertible carries the grand marshall of their Christmas parade. Kid has been fired as the grand marshall and, in an upgrade on Nashville’s part, been replaced by a dude who took down a gunman.
There are few things more American than the enduring tradition of daytime talk show Halloween hi-jinks. You take a bunch of middle-aged talking heads, a squad of professional makeup artists and costume designers, and a squealing studio audience; put ‘em in a pop culture blender on puree and voila! Whoopi Goldberg dressed as a purple baby vampire. And there’s no getting out of it at this point. It’s a whole thing now, everybody must participate. Do you think Ryan Seacrest enjoys sitting in a makeup chair for three hours and getting cinched up in a corset? I don’t know his life! But he does it whether he likes it or not.
The View hasn’t had a good brawl since Whoopi Goldberg battled intelligence with that “rape rape” comment. Joy Behar and Meghan McCain were generous enough to give the viewing audience an exciting callback to the “Rosie O’Donnell prepping to devour Elisabeth Hasselbeck“-era by throwing down on Friday’s episode.
The View is really back! It’s been only six seconds from their season premiere and they’ve already managed to cause a shit load of OUTRAGE and a boycott was called. On the patio of her Florida mansion, Barbara Walters cooed out, “Now that’s the show I created and love,” right before she continued to live that retiree life by doing a Metamucil and vodka shot off of her pool boy’s shaved crotch.
It all started the morning after the Miss America pageant when Michelle Collins brought up the monologue about being a nurse that Miss Colorado gave during the talent show section. They showed a clip of Miss Colorado delivering the monologue while wearing her nurse uniform. Joy watched the clip and piped in with, “Why does she have a doctor’s stethoscope around her neck?” And with that, the #nursesmatter hash tag was born, a thousand hate letters from nurses were launched and people I didn’t even know are nurses dragged The View tricks by the hair on Facebook.
In case you’re following the revolving door that is The View, ABC announced today that Joy Behar will make her triumphant return and joining her next season will be Candace Cameron Bure and Paula Faris of Good Morning America Weekend. Starting in September, those three will sit next to Whoopi Goldberg, Raven Symone and Michelle Collins. I also heard that ABC is going to replace the table with a cage, so that none of them can escape as they eat each other alive.
Last month, there were rumors that DJ Tanner and Paula Faris were in talks to join The View full-time. Producers wanted Paula, because she’s a news person and they wanted DJ Tanner, because their mouths salivated over all the attention they got for a clip of her and Raven fighting about a lesbian wedding cake. There was also a rumor that producers were trying to get Joy. Joy admitted that she was in talks, but said that a deal fell through, because producers refused to give her more power and a bigger role. Either Joy was lying or the producers eventually gave her what she wanted.
As expected, the producers have also put together a group of subs who will fill in whenever a regular is out. That group includes Sherri Shepherd, Stacy London, Molly Sims, political commentator Ana Navarro and Padma Lakshmi.
To those of us who still watch this wreck, are we taking bets on who will be out first? I’m going to go with Joy and Raven. Their heads will pop off as soon as DJ Tanner opens her mouth while discussing Christian persecution.
And there comes a time in every American woman’s life when she becomes a co-host on The View. I’m going to call my mom now and congratulate her about being named a co-host on The View and when she says, “But I’m not,” I’ll say, “But you will be….soon.“
It Never Ends: Joy Behar Comments On Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s Comments About Rosie’s Return To The View
Because one hen from The View can’t open her beak without the rest of them trying to squawk louder than the rest of the chickens, Joy Behar went on CNN to talk about Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s mid-vacation phone call to Fox & Friends where she cried about how Rosie O’Donnell’s return to The View is an insult to America. It’s like the angry poultry version of Inception. Joy told CNN’s Don Lemon that Elisabeth’s comment about Rosie spitting in the face of the military was “a hate-filled remark”, adding:
“I thought that was really kind of below the belt—to say that she spits in the face of the military. I’d like Elisabeth to explain herself, really. What does she mean by that? Isn’t it kind of a nasty thing to say about somebody who basically is a good person? I mean, say what you want about Rosie O’Donnell, she’s a very generous person, she has a million kids, she’s always rescuing children—I mean, she has more kids than Mrs. Duggar at this point on her roster. Her son is at The Citadel—what more does Elisabeth want?”
“To say that she spits in the face of the military, that’s a dangerous thing to say about somebody. First of all, it’s not true. I would like her to prove it. Everything is fiction on Fox anyway, what am I talking about?”
Who would have thought that sending two slow chickens to the Tyson factory would get so much attention? I mean, first Elisabeth Hasselbeck drops whatever she was doing at The Holy Land Experience (probably waiting in line to get her picture taken with Jesus for the 3rd time that day) to throw shade at Rosie O’Donnell for filling the two vacant spots left by mouth breathers Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd. Then Joy goes on CNN to throw shade at Elisabeth. Then Rosie throws shade at Elisabeth on Twitter. Next thing you know Lisa Ling will be calling in to Al Jazeera to throw shade at Joy, Meredith Vieira will throw shade at Lisa to Matt Lauer on Today, and Debbie Matenopoulos will throw shade at Meredith from the futon in her Rancho Cucamonga studio apartment.