The View hasn’t had a good brawl since Whoopi Goldberg battled intelligence with that “rape rape” comment. Joy Behar and Meghan McCain were generous enough to give the viewing audience an exciting callback to the “Rosie O’Donnell prepping to devour Elisabeth Hasselbeck“-era by throwing down on Friday’s episode.
The View is really back! It’s been only six seconds from their season premiere and they’ve already managed to cause a shit load of OUTRAGE and a boycott was called. On the patio of her Florida mansion, Barbara Walters cooed out, “Now that’s the show I created and love,” right before she continued to live that retiree life by doing a Metamucil and vodka shot off of her pool boy’s shaved crotch.
It all started the morning after the Miss America pageant when Michelle Collins brought up the monologue about being a nurse that Miss Colorado gave during the talent show section. They showed a clip of Miss Colorado delivering the monologue while wearing her nurse uniform. Joy watched the clip and piped in with, “Why does she have a doctor’s stethoscope around her neck?” And with that, the #nursesmatter hash tag was born, a thousand hate letters from nurses were launched and people I didn’t even know are nurses dragged The View tricks by the hair on Facebook.
In case you’re following the revolving door that is The View, ABC announced today that Joy Behar will make her triumphant return and joining her next season will be Candace Cameron Bure and Paula Faris of Good Morning America Weekend. Starting in September, those three will sit next to Whoopi Goldberg, Raven Symone and Michelle Collins. I also heard that ABC is going to replace the table with a cage, so that none of them can escape as they eat each other alive.
Last month, there were rumors that DJ Tanner and Paula Faris were in talks to join The View full-time. Producers wanted Paula, because she’s a news person and they wanted DJ Tanner, because their mouths salivated over all the attention they got for a clip of her and Raven fighting about a lesbian wedding cake. There was also a rumor that producers were trying to get Joy. Joy admitted that she was in talks, but said that a deal fell through, because producers refused to give her more power and a bigger role. Either Joy was lying or the producers eventually gave her what she wanted.
As expected, the producers have also put together a group of subs who will fill in whenever a regular is out. That group includes Sherri Shepherd, Stacy London, Molly Sims, political commentator Ana Navarro and Padma Lakshmi.
To those of us who still watch this wreck, are we taking bets on who will be out first? I’m going to go with Joy and Raven. Their heads will pop off as soon as DJ Tanner opens her mouth while discussing Christian persecution.
And there comes a time in every American woman’s life when she becomes a co-host on The View. I’m going to call my mom now and congratulate her about being named a co-host on The View and when she says, “But I’m not,” I’ll say, “But you will be….soon.“
It Never Ends: Joy Behar Comments On Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s Comments About Rosie’s Return To The View
Because one hen from The View can’t open her beak without the rest of them trying to squawk louder than the rest of the chickens, Joy Behar went on CNN to talk about Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s mid-vacation phone call to Fox & Friends where she cried about how Rosie O’Donnell’s return to The View is an insult to America. It’s like the angry poultry version of Inception. Joy told CNN’s Don Lemon that Elisabeth’s comment about Rosie spitting in the face of the military was “a hate-filled remark”, adding:
“I thought that was really kind of below the belt—to say that she spits in the face of the military. I’d like Elisabeth to explain herself, really. What does she mean by that? Isn’t it kind of a nasty thing to say about somebody who basically is a good person? I mean, say what you want about Rosie O’Donnell, she’s a very generous person, she has a million kids, she’s always rescuing children—I mean, she has more kids than Mrs. Duggar at this point on her roster. Her son is at The Citadel—what more does Elisabeth want?”
“To say that she spits in the face of the military, that’s a dangerous thing to say about somebody. First of all, it’s not true. I would like her to prove it. Everything is fiction on Fox anyway, what am I talking about?”
Who would have thought that sending two slow chickens to the Tyson factory would get so much attention? I mean, first Elisabeth Hasselbeck drops whatever she was doing at The Holy Land Experience (probably waiting in line to get her picture taken with Jesus for the 3rd time that day) to throw shade at Rosie O’Donnell for filling the two vacant spots left by mouth breathers Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd. Then Joy goes on CNN to throw shade at Elisabeth. Then Rosie throws shade at Elisabeth on Twitter. Next thing you know Lisa Ling will be calling in to Al Jazeera to throw shade at Joy, Meredith Vieira will throw shade at Lisa to Matt Lauer on Today, and Debbie Matenopoulos will throw shade at Meredith from the futon in her Rancho Cucamonga studio apartment.
If you thought that there was no way The View could get even screechier next season, then brace your ears, because you’re wrong. UsWeekly says that board certified crazy bitch Jenny McCarthy is in “serious talks” with Barbara Walters and the other producers about joining the brood of insane pecking hens in the coop next season after Joy Behar leaves. Joy announced a long time ago that she’s out of that bitch and even though Elisabeth Hasselcrack hasn’t announced that she’s leaving too, she’s already been handed an empty cardboard box to put all her dressing room shit in and her security card has already been programmed to expire the day the last show of the season tapes. Bitch is out of there too.
UsWeekly’s source says that the producers think Jenny is a perfect replacement and that since her talk show on Vh1 is slowly dying like whatever is left of her sanity, she’s into it too.
“She is in serious talks right now. Her show isn’t quite working out, so she’s definitely open to it. The cast and crew get a kick out of Jenny. She’s a good fit. She may not be able to carry a show, but she works well with a group ensemble.”
UsWeekly also says that Brooke Shields is in “serious talks” (SERIOUS TALKS!) to replace Hasselcrack.
Well, The View already has a science expert (see: Sherri Shepherd) and a sex crimes expert (see: Whoopi Goldberg) and so naturally they need a professional medical expert. Dr. Jenny is as knowledgeable in medical stuff as Sherri is in science stuff, so she’ll fit right in. Dr. Jenny should make sure that when she farts out her batshit, fucked-up medical advice she does it while wearing smart people glasses, because nothing makes you look like a medical authority like glasses.
Joy Behar, quit The View today after being on it since episode one, because she says she wants to focus on her stand-up career or whatever. Hmmm, I’m trying to figure out which is the better option:
1. Make a mountain of money to talk shit while sitting in a comfortable chair a few hours a day, four days a week.
2. Get out of bed in the morning knowing that you don’t have to look at Elisabeth Hasselcrack’s annoying face in person that day.
Joy went with option #2 and told Deadline that for almost 17 years she’s been one of the hens loudly pecking at the other hens and she’s done with it.
“You reach a point when you say to yourself, ‘Do I want to keep doing this?’ There are other things on my plate I want to do — I’ve been writing a play, I’ve been neglecting my standup.
I have a lot of friends [at The View], and I will miss everyone I’ve worked with because we have a family there. It is a smart talk show because somebody of [Barbara’s] stature is leading the conversation; Barbara was one of the main reasons I took that job.”
Joy’s HLN show was dropped into the shit can and her show on Current TV will end once the network gets taken over by Al Jazeera. Joy, who will stay with The View until the summer, is talking to CNN about possibly doing a show there.
Joy’s replacement probably won’t be announced for a while, but Brooke Shields and Alexandra Wentworth are supposedly talking to the producers of The View about taking that second chair. Brooke Shields and Alexandra Wentworth? Nope. They might as well replace Joy with an over-boiled piece of cauliflower if they’re thinking of replacing her with Brooke Sheilds and Alexandra Wentworth. Here’s my top 5 choices for Joy’s replacement:
1. Tan Mom
2. Rosie O’Donnell (but only if The View agrees to not let her bear handlers try to tame her when she jumps on Elisabeth)
3. Tard the Grumpy Cat
4. A shark who only eats blondes
5. Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda
or The View can just pretend that Joy Behar never left and put Fred Armisen as Joy in the second chair every day.
We’ll never know the difference.