Joss Whedon totally fucked up. Now Goopy Paltrow really won’t send him a holiday gift basket including a Baccarat crystal vessel filled with air from Jesus’ actual birth place, a gift certificate for a peppermint-scented vagina steaming session, a $120 tube of toothpaste and $600 night cream made from the sperm of a virgin snow white reindeer (it gets rid of the wrinkles that grow on your face from you having to clean and cook yourself on December 26th since you were gracious enough to send your servants home for Boxing Day). Big mistake, Joss!
As Pajiba points out, Goopy Paltrow was not in the second Avengers movie. And at a press conference to promote the first Avengers movie, Joss Whedon told reporters that Robert Downey Jr. had to convince him to put Goopy in it. Joss also pushed hard for Hillary Clinton during the elections, and after Donald Trump won, Goopy mouth farted about how it’s such an exciting time to be an American. That bring us to two days ago when Joss tweeted a picture of Goopy’s latest cookbook It’s All Easy (long title: It’s All Easy When You Have Millions Of Dollars, A Staff Of Twelve, Mario Batali’s Private Number And A Totally Organic Garden Tended To By A Family Of Fourth-Generation Amish Farmers Who Live Out Back). Joss doesn’t know where to start with this book.
S T A R T pic.twitter.com/pjQoxBfEOG
— Joss Whedon (@joss) December 19, 2016
Grown gazillionaires are just like us! They try to start fights on Twitter when they’re bored.
Because I’d love a last-minute entry into the Most Random Celebrity Feud Of The Year contest, I hope that Goopy responds by telling Joss that to think, she was going to send him a locally-sourced organic corn husk man wig to cover up his bald spot. I mean, a locally-sourced organic corn husk wig is what’s on her head in that picture, right?
A serious, serious thing happened the other day: Joss Whedon quit Twitter. And Joss Whedon quit around the same time that the poetic child of a peyote plant and a PM. Dawn lyrics sheet, Jaden Smith, quit too. How we’ll be able to pick up the pieces and go on as a people is beyond me.
I figured that Joss Whedon left Twitter, because the Avengers: Age of Ultron made six trajillion dollars and it’s kind of hard to type 140 character-long tweets while you’re doing yourself with a solid gold dildo as one slave exfoliates your bald head with crushed canary diamonds and another slave massages your balls with a Pegasus feather. But others figured Joss Whedon quit the bitch that is Twitter because feminists dragged his ass for the way Black Widow was treated in Age of Ultron. Others argued that it’s not solely Joss Whedon’s fault, because he was basically Marvel’s well-paid corporate bitch and they fought over storylines and scenes in the Avengers. Patton Oswalt piped in and also said that the tea party version of feminists chased Joss away. (Patton Oswalt later deleted that tweet and took it back. But when is he going to take back his unholy rant against ginger angel Phoebe Price?!)
Joss Whedon wanted to put a stop to all the talk that the mean, angry feminists made him pick up his toys and leave the playground. So Joss called Buzzfeed and told them that he didn’t leave Twitter because of the Avengers hate. He left because he needs to get shit done.