I don’t know if this makes cucumbers happy or sad, but I do know that now it’s safe for Joshua Jackson’s friends and family to eat cucumbers at his house again. Maybe.
Many relationships in Hollywood last about as long as a bag of Hostess Donnettes in my kitchen cabinet (read: 14.5 seconds), so 40-year-old Diane Kruger and 38-year-old Joshua Jackson truly slaughtered and butchered the odds by staying together for 10 years. But after a decade, they have decided that they are done with looking at each other’s face and rubbing fuck parts on the regular. Your late-90s self can open up those legs and celebrate, because Pacey is single!
Both Diane and Joshua’s rep gave this generic statement to People:
“Diane Kruger and Josh Jackson have decided to separate and remain friends.”
Diane and Joshua owns houses together in NYC, Paris and Vancouver so they’ll have to split that shit up.
This news may bring a “duh” out of your brain if you still remember last December, when Diane supposedly straddled and sucked on the face of Norman Reedus at a bar in NYC while Joshua was in the Philippines. Denials were made, and a couple of months later, Diane and Joshua posed together at the opening night of his Off-Broadway play.
THE PLOT THICKENS (not really), because Diane and Norman Reedus were photographed together (2nd row, last picture) at a birthday party in Tuscany earlier this month, and she was also papped with Pacey last Friday.
Releasing this news when the tabloids and everyone else has their noses straight up into the greasy bowels of that Taylor v. Kimye shit is a smart move. So if Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx want to confirm that they’ve been married for a year, now is the time. And if John Travolta wants to announce that he quit Scientology and is now living with his wigmaker boyfriend, now is a good time for that too. Everyone would be like, “John Travolta came out? Who cares! Taylor Swift just tweeted a winking emoji. We need to write a 1,800 word article on that!”
Here’s Joshua and his mom in L.A. over a week ago, and Diane in NYC a few days ago.
A couple of months ago, there was a rumor that Diane Kruger’s mouth got itself a piece of Norman Reedus’ tongue at a bar in NYC while her man of 9 years Joshua Jackson was vacationing in the Philippines. People claim they saw Diane straddle Norman and practically dry hump him. There could’ve been many explanations for that. Maybe Diane and Pacey are the Will and Jada of cable actors and have an open relationship? Maybe Norman was choking on a piece of a fried cheese stick and Diane only knows how to give the Heimlich maneuver with her thighs? Maybe Diane really was wrongly passing her poon behind Joshua’s back? Who knows, but sources denied Diane got on Norman like that and said there’s nothing going on between them. Joshua’s dad also laughed it off.
Well, even though Diane Kruger looked like the undead last night, her love with Pacey is totally alive. Pacey is currently starring in the off-Broadway play Smart People and Diane came out for the opening night looking like a vampire maître d’ with the flu (“Um no, that’s slutty power lesbian.” – Jennifer Lawrence). So there you go. Totally together. And now here I go to the bathroom to look in the mirror and say to myself, “Really?” Because I’ve never had it for Pacey but seeing him looking like a hungover, overworked and frazzled accountant on April 14th did things to me. I’d let him work on my Schedule B. Let’s just pretend that made sense.
“Sources” close to Diane Krueger and Norman Reedus’ rep have already screamed out a Kathy Bates GIF about the rumors that she passed her tongue to his mouth while straddling him at a bar in NYC. The story goes that while her man of 9 years Joshua Jackson was traveling through the Philippines, Diane’s tongue traveled to Norman Reedus’ face while she was sitting on his lap at a bar on Friday night. Entertainment Tonight later said that Diane was also seen sitting on Norman’s lap at the TIFF premiere party for their movie Sky last September. Diane is basically always sitting on Norman Reedus’ lap. Kinky bitch has a Santa fetish, I guess.
Joshua isn’t talking about this, but his dad is. Radar called up Joshua’s dad, John Carter Jackson, and got him to spill out some shit about Diane’s alleged roving poon.
Several sources tell the New York Daily News that on Friday night Diana Kruger’s tongue was all over a mouth that wasn’t attached to her man Joshua Jackson’s face. I see that the Summer of Splits is ignoring the fact that it’s no longer summer and is trying to swallow another relationship whole.
The NYDN’s sources say that this past weekend, Diane and Norman Reedus from The Walking Dead showed up to the 12th Street Alehouse in NYC (aka the painted pig bar in the East Village) together. They apparently strolled in at around 1:30am and after they got their drinks, they went to a table in the back where their mouths became one.
Usually Christina Hendricks uses scaffolding, two tire jacks and five rolls of duct tape to hike her magnificent chichis all the way past her face until they’re touching her eyebrows. But at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night, her Mount Everest titty balls weren’t suffocating and they weren’t touching God’s feet and hos probably said to her, “So that’s what your face looks like, bitch!”
Christina Hendricks’ chichi domes look magnificent when they’re squeezed up to the roof of heaven or when they look like two extra large mounds of uncooked sourdough cooling on a rack (see: above), but what in Mrs. Roper’s cleaning dress HELL is that on her body?! When I was in the 4th grade, I had a friend whose mom didn’t have money to buy her a Halloween costume, so I helped her make a witch costume using a nun’s gown I wore the year before (yes, I was a nun for Halloween in the 3rd grade, don’t ask how much shit I got for that), a black curtain panel from Ikea and black construction paper. My friend’s costume cost zero dollars, was busted as fuck and was made by two brats whose hands were shaking from eating too much candy and it still looked more luxurious and fashion forward than that shit Christina wore. That dress looks like something Endora would wear to the funeral of a whore she hated. It looks like something from the American Horror Story: Coven collection at Dress Barn.
With all that being said, Christina Hendricks, hausfrau in mourning dress and all, was still the hottest look at that VF party (no, it wasn’t), because mostly everybody else (just Kate Beckinsale) looked like the last place loser at the Miss Bolivia 1993 pageant.