Programming Note Brought To You By ScarJo And Her Fancy French Fiancé At A Fancy English Wedding

My ass lips are frozen and I think I’ve got hypothermia of the nipples, and it’s not because I made peen popsicles and overused them again. It’s because I’m in Denver where it currently looks like scenes from Nicole Kidman’s colonoscopy. Yes, I’m in Denver to cross off “pose in front of the Denver Carrington building from the Dynasty opening credits while wearing a power blazer with shoulder pads” off of my bucket list, but I’m also in Denver for a family thing and to spend as much time as possible at the most authentic and finest gourmet Mexican eatery Casa Bonita. Casa Bonita is this refined and elegant Mexican establishment in Lakewood, CO that is known for their ~SPECTACULAR~ diving show, signature sopapillas and food that probably tastes like Del Taco threw up on a pile of Taco Bell’s shit. In other words: Delicious! South Park paid tribute to Denver’s greatest attraction in 2003. This review from Yelp sold me on the fact that I must eat all my meals at Casa Bonita while I’m here.

Quite possibly the most revolting, repugnant, repulsive food in the history of the universe.

If you must go because your kids are bothering you to take them, do so while observing the following rules:

1. Do not — UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, including abject starvation — order anything with meat in it it.

2. Eat before you go there. You have to order food in order to stay, so get the cheapest thing on the menu, then play with the food and encourage your children to do the same.

3. The sopapillas are edible. This is not to say they’re good; no one said anything about good. The people who claim the sopapillas are good only say that because they are comparing them to the rest of the offerings. Compared to the rest of the food, the fetid stench of a deceased homeless man’s intestines would be appetizing.

4. Don’t go. Just stay home, eat Taco Bell, watch replays of Olympic diving, go to the bathroom several times afterward. That will give you the authentic Casa Bonita experience.

So since I’ll be spending most of my half-vacation in Denver dining at Casa Bonita and butt barfing my insides out on the toilet, I’ll only be posting a little and CAPTION THIS is taking a break. My partner in fuckery Allison will cover most of the foolery until I thaw out my b-hole when I get back to California on Wednesday.

And now, I leave you with pictures of ScarJo giving us pregnant face, corpse makeup and busted bandage shoes from the 90s while leaving the fancy British wedding of Princess Florence Von Preussen with her fiance Romain Dauriac who looks like Josh Harnett as Mason Verger.

Pics: Splash

Josh Hartnett Was Offered The Role Of Batman, Superman, And Spiderman, Says Josh Hartnett

Seen here looking like a budget Wild West version of Inigo Montoya on the set of Showtime’s Penny Dreadful (speaking of dreadful: THAT WIG) Josh Hartnett – the man you may know as the star of hundreds of Teen People magazine covers from the early 2000s – gave an interview to Details where he talked about why he disappeared for the past 10 years and did a bunch of low-budget indie movies. You’d think the answer is that it’s because he was replaced by a fresher group of hunks who moved in and took all the pretty boy roles, but according to Josh, that’s totally not true, because he was so desirable in Hollywood, that he was offered EVERY SUPERHERO ROLE:

“Spider-Man was something we talked about. Batman was another one. But I somehow knew those roles had potential to define me, and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be labeled as Superman for the rest of my career. I was maybe 22, but I saw the danger.”

He then went on to say: “Captain America? That was written for me. Thor? Turned it down. In fact, I was offered every role in The Avengers, even Black Widow and Nick Fury. I also turned down the role of “Avatar” in Avatar, “Hit Girl” in Kick Ass, and Adam Driver’s role in that new Star Wars movie. Also Adam Driver’s role on Girls. Which brings me to all the roles I turned down in Mean Girls…”

Pic: Wenn

Shock! Disbelief!

Sienna Miller has finally released Balthazar Getty’s peen from her Jaws of Death vagina and has moved on to new wang. AND this dick doesn’t have a wedding ring attached to it!!!! I know, how is that possible really? I didn’t think Sienna’s vagina allowed entrance unless there was a ring on it.

The Mirror is saying that someone finally turned the hose on Sienna and Balthazar, because they are no longer bumping it. Sienna felt that there was just too much baggage there and she needed to move on. Translation: The big whore woke up, smelled the same stale jizz and realized it was time for some fresh dick.

Hoooooray! I was thisclose to writing that mega slut off, because no self-respecting tramp nibbles on the same peen for that long. Bitch’s vagina was probably starting to get the zzzzzs during fucky times with Balthazar. Well, homewhore has a new piece.

Sources say the new piece is Josh Hartnett. Remember when Josh’s tummy got the owies, because he had some bad water or bad coke or something? Well, Sienna Miller was right by his side “nursing” him to health. Sienna is like the Florence Nightingale of whores! A source said, “Josh and Sienna have a unique bond. They understand each other and I wouldn’t be surprised if a relationship blossomed.”

Relationship blossomed? The only thing that’s going to blossom is tiny red warts on his peen. But by the time he notices his new friends, the biggest skankwhore the world has ever seen will be on to the next dick! YAY! Sienna the great big whore is back! Hide your husbands in the basement! It’s fun times again!

Josh Hartnett Drank The Water

You know people tell you not to drink the water every time you go to a far off country or Florida (joooking..not really)? Well, Josh Hartnett didn’t listen and he slurped up a bunch of refreshing fungus juice.

A couple of weeks ago, Josh had to go to the hospital in Los Angeles and everyone (including this bitch) figured he just ate some bad coke-encrusted tuna. At some event in NYC last night, Josh blamed third world water. He chirped to UsWeekly, “I’m fine, I had a stomach bug — it was literally, like, a 24 hour thing. I was so dehydrated that I needed to be on a couple of IVs. I’m good. The media made a huge deal about it because I left the Chateau Marmont — you know. That’s where I always stay in L.A….you know, they wanna’ come up with whatever they want to come up with. My stomach has been bothering me for months. It’s been recurring because I’ve spent a lot of time in third world countries and I drink the water occasionally when I shouldn’t, I shower and — it’s nothing to worry about!”

Josh obviously needs more vodka. Vodka should be everyone’s #1 travel partner. It kills all germs. It’s a scientific fact. Fuck that Purrell shit. That crap just makes you smell like you’ve just given someone a hand job with ultrasound gel. Vodka is the answer. Pour it in a glass of third world water to kill all the mold worms. Even use it to sanitize a dirty dick before you suck it. So many uses! Doctor approved!

Josh Hartnett’s Stomach Is Being A Real Bitch

Josh Hartnett was put in an ambulance and shuffled off to the hospital early this morning in Los Angeles after he complained that he had an owie in his stomach. Entertainment Tonight says Josh complained about stomach pains, and instead of drinking an Alka-Seltzer vodka (it’s fizzy!) and walking it off, he was taken to Cedars-Sinai. His spokesbitch said he’s doing absolutely fine, but was kept overnight so they could keep an eye on some kind of gastrointestinal disorder he suffers from. This is apparently the same condition that fucked with Josh last year in London.

I hope gastrointestinal disorder is just publicist talk for bad coke, right? Or bad fish? Or bad baby? Or bad jizz? Or maybe Josh tried to do that acting-thing again? Don’t do that, Josh! Leave it to the pros.

Mischa, Don’t Follow Him To The Hotel Library

Sominex’s couple of the day alert! Mischa Barton and Josh Hartnett left Bungalow 8 in London last night and headed straight for his hotel. Hopefully, Mischa’s stupid ass skipped the hotel library and went directly to his room. It might have been what I like to call an “Easy Pass lay,” because The Daily Mail reports that Mischa was seen leaving his hotel one hour later.

I knew it! Josh looks like one of those types that barfs before reaching the toilet. You know the types. Orgasm robbers. They make everything so akward. They stand there, holding their weepy junk, apologizing for cumming before you even get started. You really want to curse them the fuck out and hit them with a phone or somethin. As they clean their sorry asses up in the bathroom, you piss in their shoes as punishment. No, I’m not speaking from experience. Yes, I’m lying.

Anyway, Mischa and Josh make sense to me. It was probably just one night of non-passion, but they work as a couple. They both have the personality of a wet piece of Styrofoam.