And Here’s Jennifer Lopez Reminding Us That Jennifer Lopez Is Still Very Sexy

Ah, the People Magazine Awards! What better place to oil up your titties and half-cover them in a beaded onesie. Yes, Jennifer Lopez is wearing a beaded onesie – don’t worry, I have many questions about that too. Just thinking about all that all-over beading is giving me flashbacks to my figure skating years (all 7 of which are deeply embarrassing), along with the feeling of prickly sequins scraping against bare skin and the taste of wet mittens and hairspray in my mouth. Thanks JLo.

I’m not sure I’m feeling whatever it is JLo is serving up here. Don’t get me wrong, JLo always looks hot, it’s just that there is a lot going on, and all of it is making me do Target Lady face. First off, what is going on with her shoulderpads? It looks like she’s got two extra-thick Cuchinis stuck in there. Second, why is she so Kardashian in the face? And my follow-up question to that is, why is her hairline 10 shades darker than the rest of her face? Finally, JLo needs to go easy on the body glitter. I had an old roommate who was obsessed with Urban Decay Sparkling Lickable Body Powder (bitch went through a box a week, I’m serious) and even she would be looking at JLo’s disco ball arms like “Too much.”

“But what about me?” cried JLo’s thirsty extensions. Aw, you’re ok. Any hair that looks like it was cut off an old Cut N’ Style Barbie doll is fine by me.

Here’s more of JLo looking like a sexy back-up dancer from The Brady Bunch Variety Hour, as well as a bunch of other famous types at the People Magazine Awards, including The Hammaconda’s human handler Jon Hamm, Kate Hudson – who seems to think she’s at the Golden Globes, and the definition of a People Magazine Awards attendee Kaley Cuoco:

Pics: Splash

Some Beauty And The Geek Shit: Kat Dennings And Josh Groban Are A Thing

Josh Groban has a singing voice that sounds like the echoes of a dozen tenor angels orgasming in a hallowed hall of heaven and he’s funny on Twatter, so I can understand why Kat Dennings is getting on that. Kat Dennings was in Big Momma’s House 2 (the crown jewel of her career!) and her magnificent chichis look like the memory foam clouds that the angels lay their heads on every night in heaven, so I can understand why Josh Groban is getting on that.

At last night’s Carousel of Hope Ball in Beverly Hills, GroNing made their first public appearance as a couple and let everyone know that Earth is now a place where Kat Dennings and Josh Groban are rubbing on each other’s naked bodies. Kat was dating that hot piece Nick Zano as of May, but they’re obviously over. Josh Groban humped on January Jones for a few years and if Kat didn’t know that, she now knows the answer to the question she asked herself the first time she saw his parts: “Why does he have a frostbite scar on the tip of his peen?”

Some source tells UsWeekly that Kat and Josh are brand new and they’re just having fun for right now. Kat Instagramm’d a picture of the two of them last night and threw up the words “I ship it” with it. Josh also Instagramm’d a picture of them and threw up the words “I ship it too” with it. I just shipp’d in my mouth over how syrupy these two love sick whores are being.

And now I have the image of Josh Groban motorboating Kat Dennings’ chichis while singing “You Raise Me Up” as he raises up if you know what I mean.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

What In The Name Of Slutty Morticia Addams Is Going On Here?

I know, how dare I compare singer Charli XCX and her messy pile of black mosquito netting to the exquisite goth glamour of shameless true blue slut Morticia Addams. I’m honestly hanging in my head in shame. And quite frankly, so should Charli XCX; the bar for pseudo-gothic skanky side-boob was set pretty high by Rose McGowan, so unless you’re planning on showing up in nothing but a thong and two spiders glued to your nipples, don’t even bother.

But because I believe in giving credit where credit’s due, Charli XCX gets a single clap of approval from me for at least trying to inject some trampy glamour into the 2014 Bill-bored Music Awardzzzz. The Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher must have had to check her invitation four times to see if she was at the right event, because everyone showed up to the Billboard Awards in Las Vegas in fancy-ass ball gowns and Grace Kelly-looking hair like it was the damn Oscars. Which is all kinds of “excuse you, bitch”-levels of wrong, because if any award show held in Las Vegas is on par with the Oscars, it’s the AVN Awards (DUH). Charl XCX is clearly wiser than her 21 years; she understood that the Billboard Awards are the Grammy Award’s nitrous-huffing burnout cousin and dressed appropriately.

Here’s more of Charli XCX wearing Hot Topic’s version of the slut dress (“Can you check in the back to see if we have any more of those Edgar Allan Poe-job dresses?”) at the Billboring Awardzzzz, as well as her partner in copyright infringement Iggy Azalea who chose classy over trashy (bad move, always choose trashy if you’ve got the ass for it), Jennifer Lopez showing us what the unedited pictures of her A.K.A. album cover looked like before she destroyed all evidence of their existence, the gas station bath salts Grace Kelly Kesha, Kanye’s old My Size Barbie Amber Rose in a pair of your Memaw’s solar shields, JOSH “oh, the things I would so would” GROBAN, and a super jacked-looking wig with guest (guest: Chrissy Teigen).

Pics: Splash

Josh Groban Does Kanye West

Josh Groban’s music is only tolerable if you’ve got ear holes full of weed smoke, but I didn’t even need to prepare a bowl to enjoy his musical rendition of Kanye West’s Twitter page on last night’s Jimmy Kimmel: Live!. My only real critique is that Josh sang way too soft and didn’t give the CAPS the respect they truly deserve! Next time, Josh needs to SING OUT until his tonsils are blowing past his teeth. That’s the Kanye way.

And here’s a few visuals to go with Josh’s soundtrack. It’s Kanye in NYC last night wearing a coat fit for a cunt queen (or an Upper East Side socialite divorcee who isn’t allergic to red paint).