It looks like Josh Brolin has replaced “whiskey-fueled bar fights“ with “getting ass naked on Instagram” as his favorite pastime. When the Instagram THOT-in-training isn’t farting up his new wife’s ass on Instagram, he’s farting up his own. And like any good aspiring Instagram THOT, Josh looks for any excuse to slap the eyes of his followers with his naked 48-year-old body. Case in point: Barbra Streisand’s stepson celebrated Standing Rock’s victory by taking his chonies off and recreating The Lion King poster, for some reason. Praise Josh Brolin’s savior ass cheeks for saving Saving Rock! It was actually really brave of Josh to do that, because some hawk could’ve mistook his peen for a snake in trauma and tried to snatch it up.
Josh Brolin dropped in this caption with the pic:
Celebrate Standing Rock. #protectthesacred #humbled #reallife
If Josh did this before the pipeline project was finally stopped, for now, I would’ve suspected that he was an evil secret agent working for the oil transportation companies. Because one look at a naked, current day Josh Brolin walking naked at Standing Rock would’ve made the Sioux throw up their hands and say, “Okay, okay, MERCY! We give up!”
But what’s really offensive about that picture of Josh is that he didn’t give us a view of the front and add the caption: “My standing rock stands with Standing Rock!” Josh is probably saving that one for later.
Former champion booze brawler and Ryan Gosling’s fake ass accent-derider Josh Brolin got married to his former assistant yesterday. UsWeekly reports that Babs Streisand’s step-son wed Kathryn Boyd in a romantic ceremony in Cashiers, North Carolina. The guests included Babs and Josh’s dad James Brolin, the newly man-bunned Bradley Cooper, and Jimmy Kimmel’s not-so-secret sidepiece Matt Damon.
Josh and Kathryn began dating in March of 2013, which was only a month after UsWeekly confirmed he and his ex-wife Diane Lane had split. In a related inquiry, does anyone know if Tom Hardy is looking to hire a new assistant? Unfortunately, I got a D in Typing For Business in high school, but I have a host of other talents that don’t require pecking away at a keyboard, if you smell what I’m stepping in.
Josh isn’t just famous for his pretty good Tommy Lee Jones impression in otherwise shitty movies with no reason for existing. He had a notorious tendency to get thwacked and engage in ridiculous (and public) slapfights. He was also arrested for spousal battery in 2004 after ex-wife Diane rang up the police to report that he allegedly hit her. She didn’t file charges and the couple’s spokesperson claimed that it was a misunderstanding and that they were embarrassed the matter went this far.
Josh checked into rehab in November of 2013. The couple were engaged in May of last year. Best of luck, you two.
In other news, it turns out that Josh looks good nekkid if you stand several feet away and he’s sitting in such a way that his thigh is presented in the best possible trailer park light.
It’s been a while since George Clooney and his fancy lawyer wife Amal Clooney tore up a red carpet like two aspiring teen models on a makeshift catwalk at an open call in a mall, and I was afraid they might have forgotten their signature poses during their time away. But I see they’ve clearly been practicing in front of the mirror in their downtime. Work that Zales Valentine’s Day direct mail flyer attitude, Amal!
George and Amal showed up to the premiere of Georgie’s new movie Hail, Caesar! in Hollywood last night, and they turned that shit out. They were like the Heart Family on HGH. George and Amal clung to each other while staring into each others eyes with that look that says “…but I’m actually staring into your heart.” It’s like their photo-op coach told them before hand to mentally channel one of those Always Kiss Me Goodnight signs.
Sure, maybe it wasn’t intentional – but it doesn’t help that Amal is giving ten tons of Loving You Barbie’s rich society wife cousin in that Sweet 16 party dress. Not to mention that George is dressed in that suspiciously neutral way that makes you feel like the premiere was just a cover so he could surprise Amal with a public vow renewal ceremony. Shit, I better stop talking before I give them any ideas.
Here’s more from the Hail, Caesar! premiere last night, including Channing Tatum, Jenna Dewan Tatum in some sort of Sears bed-in-a-bag dress, Jonah Hill, and a still very hot (don’t judge me) Dolph Lundgren.
In an interview with Man of the World (via ET), Josh Brolin laughed at the young actors nowadays who think they’re hot shit with their leather jackets and their tough dude accents. Josh talked about one actor he worked with and even though he didn’t name names, it’s pretty clear that he’s talking trash about Ryan Gosling. Take it away, Naranja Face:
“I see young Hollywood punks on the set, and it’s funny to me. Because it’s absolutely me all over again. I’m the old guy who’s like, ‘Oh cool, you got your leather jacket and it cost you $400 and you bought it all ripped up!’ I remember a guy I worked with who was from Ontario, but he talked like De Niro. I was like, ‘Holy shit, he’s actually doing De Niro.’ Does he know that I know? I’m not even listening to what he’s saying. It’s fascinating to me.”
It didn’t take long for the Internet to solve that not-so-blind item. Ryan Gosling is from Ontario and he and Josh worked together in Gangster Squad. But Ryan isn’t trying to do De Niro. Ryan’s trying to do Marlon Brando and yes, he’s admitted that shit before. Get it right, Josh. Just for that, Ontario is going to ban Josh Brolin for hating on their hometown prince. And while Josh was laughing at Ryan’s fake Brando accent on the inside, Ryan may have been thinking to himself, “I know this motherfucker is laughing at my fake accent, but I’d rather have a fake accent than be known as a wife-beating bar fighting wreck.”
And here’s a little video Vulture put together of the history of Ryan Gosling’s accent:
Because Cannes is a truly formal and sophisticated event that only lets in the most refined and elegant swans (see: the piece of trash above), they have a seriously strict dress code and will spit on any pair of lady feet that aren’t propped up on a high heel. So if you’ve got medical issues and wearing high heels kills your feet and makes you walk like a constipated penguin, suck it up, trick! Put on those high heels and fake smile through the pain, because you gotta get into Cannes! If you have no legs, strap a high heel to your head or wear them on your hands, because rules are rules and you gotta get into Cannes!
Why do I get the feeling that 3 seconds after this picture was taken, AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon had her assistant check her dress for grease stains and bedbugs. “This is BEYOND! I told you not to let that hobo-looking hipster touch me! I’m STILL trying to get the stink out of the clothes I wore during the Walk the Line press tour.”
The Hollywood premiere of Inherent Vice was held last night, which explains why Reese Witherspoon is hugging sexy dirtbag Joaquin Phoenix. Not that we really needed a reason – personally, I like to imagine Reese and Joaquin meeting every year around Christmas time to share a hug and a box of warm wine. Anyways, Inherent Vice is set in the 70s, so I guess that’s why Reese rolled up to the red carpet looking like Carol Brady’s gimlet-chugging sister from Manhattan named Prudence (“…but you can call me Pussy“). She also looks like Elle Woods, if Elle Woods went back in time to 1971, married a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon named Kip Skippington, and started breeding exquisite snow-white Persian cats instead of becoming a lawyer. Which is to say, I bet she smells like Revlon Charlie and pillow mints and the front seat of a 1971 Chrysler LeBaron.
Here’s more of Reese Witherspoon serving up Barbie’s mom realness, as well as Joaquin with his sisters Summer and Rain (why those two never got together and made an all-natural feminine wash is beyond me), my personal queen Maya Rudolph, Kimberly Stewart’s baby daddy Benicio del Toro, and Joanna Newsom who looked like she walked into drapery store high on furniture polish and was like “GIVE ME EVERYTHING“: