Jose Canseco Won’t Face Rape Charges

Detectives of the Las Vegas Police Department put their magnifying glasses on Twitter’s dim uncle Jose Canseco last month when a woman claimed that he raped her. Since Jose Canseco has a PhD in Wonderful Decision Making, he declared his innocence on Twitter and then pretty much encouraged his followers to harass the woman by tweeting her name, phone number and work address. Well, Jose is now off the hook, because the LVPD told Fox 5 in Vegas that they aren’t filing rape charges against him. The case is now closed.

Of course, Jose immediately celebrated on Twitter and said that he passed a polygraph test. I don’t know if I’d call it passing. From what I heard (I did not hear this), the polygraph machine wrote “UNHOOK ME FROM THIS MOTHERFUCKER NOW! MERCY! MERCY!” on the graph paper so the person conducting the test took a hint.

Jose also said on Twitter that the woman who accused him should give him an apology and explanation. Jose openly told the woman that he knows her boyfriend put her up to it and he doesn’t want to have to file civil suit against her. Then he went on to spit out this shit:

Is wrong the new right.is lieing more acceptable in our society than telling the truth because u will be called a snitch.

im selling my results of my polygraph tests. email joemelendez@msn.com to make an offer.

Polygraph results up for sale with the true detailed story of what happened that night.

Still selling polygraph results. Bunch of clowns not offering enough.

I really want to throw my money at my laptop screen, because I really need to own Jose Canseco’s stupid ass polygraph test results. But I’m going to wait. Jose will eventually have to take a polygraph test after that Raquel Welch wax figure presses charges against him for doing whatever it is he’s doing to it in that picture above and I’d rather own those results instead (not really, not at all).

Jose Canseco Tweets The Name And Number Of The Woman Accusing Him Of Rape

Detectives with the Las Vegas Metro Police Department are investigating a claim from a woman who says that former baseball player turned Twitter rambler Jose Canseco raped her on May 10th. Before it even made TMZ or any other site, Jose got a huge case of Twitterrhea and started shitting out all sorts of tweets against his accuser. Jose tweeted her name, phone number, work address and a picture of her to his 512,000 followers. Jose also tweeted crap like, “Wow thats funny i raped u then y did u have ur clothing off as soon as we left the club in my car,” before deleting most of his tweets. Jose left a few tweets up and he quoted Jack Nicholson and Madonna in two of them:

Wow now people r threatening me not to tell the truth.whats the matter u cant handle the truth

Truth or dare. I dare u to take a polygragh on national tv.i will take one

Everything I learned about law I learned from Judge Judy, the court room scenes in Dynasty and Ally McBeal (in other words, the only thing I know about law is to wear a hot outfit to court and work on a catchphrase that you can spit out while testifying), but I’m pretty sure it’s probably not a good idea to encourage a bunch of people to harass the woman accusing you of raping her. That’s not a good move. But then again, this is Jose Canseco we’re talking about. Roids not only shrank his nuts, but they shrank his brain too…. and whatever sense of fashion he had. Case in point: that shirt.