Jose Canseco’s Ex-Wife Denies Ever Sleeping With Alex Rodriguez (But Alex Rodriquez’s Ex May Think Otherwise)
Alex Rodriguez and Jose Canseco are now involved in both the 3rd and 4th biggest baseball cheating scandals in the history of baseball. The ranking goes:
#1 – The 1919 White Sox.
#2 – That time Phillie Phanatic came up pregnant with Gritty’s baby.
#3 – The BALCO doping scandal.
#4 – This whole mess.
And two new players just ran onto the field. Jose’s ex-wife Jessica Canseco had to reinstall Twitter on her phone in order to clear her name after Jose accused her of having an affair with Jennifer Lopez’s fiance Alex. And Alex’s ex-girlfriend Torrie Wilson has been quietly subtweeting the drama and insinuating that Alex is indeed a ho, and that maybe Jose is on to something.
While malevolent forces are really out here trying to sour Jennifer Lopez‘s recent engagement to former baseball player, Alex Rodriguez, she is not going to let them. Yes, Jennifer has seen all of the (incredibly fast appearing) cheating rumors which began spreading from Jose Canseco‘s Twitter account and has now begun taking new life. And she apparently doesn’t care.
On Saturday, Jose Canseco – the human manifestation of the word DURR – made everyone do a quick reach for the brain bleach when he tweeted that the middle finger he accidentally shot off while cleaning his guns several weeks earlier and had reattached at a later date by (I’m assuming) Dr. Nick Riviera’s less-qualified cousin, had fallen off during a poker game. Jose even claimed that there was a video of his rotten hand sausage falling on to the poker table, so naturally, purveyors of good taste TMZ asked Jose if they could get a copy. That’s when Jose came clean and said there was no video of his frankenfinger falling off, because it never happened.
TMZ says that Jose admitted that he decided to pull the gross prank after he saw a fake severed finger at a Halloween store and thought it would be funny to pretend it was his and sell it on eBay. Wait, hold up, stop the ride – Jose pulled his finger “prank” on November 15th, two whole weeks after Halloween. Are we to assume it took him more than two weeks to compose a tweet that said “Whoops my busted finger fell off“? Actually, it’s Jose Canseco we’re talking about – I should be more surprised that it only took his brain two weeks. Carry on!
So what did happen to Jose’s frankenfinger? According to TMZ, it’s still there on his hand – even though Jose has been tweeting all week that he only has nine fingers, like in this love poem he wrote:
That’s probably not even part of the prank; that’s just Jose confusing the fake Halloween finger for the real thing. “Oh shit, my finger fell off again! And when did I get these vampire teeth? Looks like Jose is a 9-fingered dracula now.”
WARNING: If you’re anything like me and you’ve got a weak-ass stomach that gets the wet heaves whenever gross shit is mentioned, then you might want to clear a path to the bathroom, because there’s a 50/50 chance this story will make you race for the toilet.
So, remember a couple weeks ago when Jose Canseco was cleaning his loaded guns at the kitchen table and accidentally shot off his middle finger? Jose’s girlfriend Leila Knight was worried that doctors might not be able to reattach it, but as it turns out – yeah, they could. After a couple hours in surgery, Jose was reunited with his finger! Yay! Unfortunately, the reunion wasn’t destined to be a permanent one. Jose announced yesterday on Twitter that his frankenfinger fell off in the middle of a poker game Friday night:
Ok well I might as well tell you .I was playing in a poker tournament last night and my finger fell off .someone took a video of it. — Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) November 14, 2014
My finger should have been amputated from the beginning. It was very loose with no bone to connect it.it was also smelling really bad. — Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) November 14, 2014
As if that wasn’t revolting enough, Jose also tweeted (then deleted) a picture of the stump where his finger used to be. I’ve hidden it after the cut because it’s gross as hell, but also because the stump looks like a penis.
Since there’s not a law in Nevada that states that you must be able to spell gun in order to buy a gun, Jose Canseco owns guns. Jose’s actress/model girlfriend Leila Knight tells the NYDN that while cleaning one of his four guns at the kitchen table in his Las Vegas house yesterday, the gun somehow went off and a bullet nearly took off his left hand’s middle finger. Leila says that the oaf with steroids-infused tissue mush for brains didn’t know the gun was loaded. Yes, any person with at least one working brain cell would disassemble the gun before cleaning it, but this is Jose Canseco we’re talking about. As a sly smile made an appearance on Darwin’s face in heaven, Leila Knight told the NYDN about Jose Canseco’s latest act of pure dumb fuckery:
“He had been at the shooting range a few days earlier. He didn’t know it was loaded. The middle finger was hanging by a thread, and I wrapped his hand in a towel and then called 911. The doctors said they would either have to amputate or do reconstructive surgery. But if they do surgery, he won’t be able to use it again. He blew away an artery and a big bone chunk.”
Leila took out a restraining order against Jose in 2011 after she says he harassed her on and off Twitter, so yesterday the cops asked her if the two of them had been fighting. Leila says that he wasn’t trying to shoot her or anything. He’s just dumber than a popped steroid pimple:
“At first the police asked me if we were in a fight. I said of course we weren’t. We have four guns in the house. We are now going to have zero. I hate guns. Jose is a little freaked out. He keeps saying, ‘Sorry, sorry.’ But we’re extremely lucky, lucky it wasn’t worse, or that he didn’t shoot me.”
Poor Jose. If doctors can’t re-attach his finger, he’ll only be able to count to 9 if he’s fully clothed, 19 if he’s not wearing shoes and 19 and a half if he’s naked. I don’t know much about guns, but I didn’t know that they can accidentally just go off like that. That gun delivered the ultimate “fuck you” to Jose by taking away his left hand’s ability to throw a “fuck you” at a trick.
Detectives of the Las Vegas Police Department put their magnifying glasses on Twitter’s dim uncle Jose Canseco last month when a woman claimed that he raped her. Since Jose Canseco has a PhD in Wonderful Decision Making, he declared his innocence on Twitter and then pretty much encouraged his followers to harass the woman by tweeting her name, phone number and work address. Well, Jose is now off the hook, because the LVPD told Fox 5 in Vegas that they aren’t filing rape charges against him. The case is now closed.
Of course, Jose immediately celebrated on Twitter and said that he passed a polygraph test. I don’t know if I’d call it passing. From what I heard (I did not hear this), the polygraph machine wrote “UNHOOK ME FROM THIS MOTHERFUCKER NOW! MERCY! MERCY!” on the graph paper so the person conducting the test took a hint.
Jose also said on Twitter that the woman who accused him should give him an apology and explanation. Jose openly told the woman that he knows her boyfriend put her up to it and he doesn’t want to have to file civil suit against her. Then he went on to spit out this shit:
Is wrong the new right.is lieing more acceptable in our society than telling the truth because u will be called a snitch.
im selling my results of my polygraph tests. email email@example.com to make an offer.
Polygraph results up for sale with the true detailed story of what happened that night.
Still selling polygraph results. Bunch of clowns not offering enough.
I really want to throw my money at my laptop screen, because I really need to own Jose Canseco’s stupid ass polygraph test results. But I’m going to wait. Jose will eventually have to take a polygraph test after that Raquel Welch wax figure presses charges against him for doing whatever it is he’s doing to it in that picture above and I’d rather own those results instead (not really, not at all).