This is why it’s important to take selfie breaks every once in a while to read the damn news. Because if Kim Kardashian did that sort of thing, she might have read about Shaun White getting in trouble for his Simple Jack Halloween costume. And she might have said to herself, “So apparently we don’t use the r-word anymore? Good to know.” But a self-obsessed fame whore never takes a break, and so up until last night, Kim casually threw around the r-word. After getting called out by people who are familiar with the current protocol on such a word (aka don’t use it), Kim is apologizing.
Kim Kardashian’s second best non-family friend (her first goes by the name Doctor-something) Jonathan Cheban has managed to get his little side-project some attention. Last year, Jonathan tried to re-brand himself as more than just the guy who follows the Kardashians around. He called himself Food God (stylized as the much more insufferable foodgōd) and appointed himself as the deity of acting like a snob at restaurants. All of Jonathan’s social media handles are @foodgod, and he’s decided to commit even more to his douchey moniker.
Surprisingly, this situation doesn’t involve Kim Kardashian responding to yesterday’s news that Beyonce is pregnant with twins by speed-dialing TMZ and letting them know a “source” thinks she might be pregnant with triplets. This situation with Kim actually happened two days ago.
Kardashian barnicle Jonathan Cheban, having tired of his occupation as “Kim’s douchebag bestie” has now decided he’s a food expert. He calls himself @FoodGod on Snapchat and, SPOILER ALERT, he’s still a douchebag except now he’s a menu expert. This interview he did with GQ actually made me feel sorry for Kim, Khloe, and the rest of the koven. They hang out with this fool. Feeling anything but revulsion for the K-Klan made me want to close my laptop and sign in to a monastery because where else can you turn when that happens? GQ went to dinner at NYC’s Tao restaurant with Jonathan and sparkling gems were mined.
If Kanye West’s recent semi-coherent ramble at the MTV VMAs is any indication, then Kanye West still has the mind of an ADHD hamster that just discovered what a mirror is. Since Kanye has an attention span of about 0.3 seconds, one would think he would have gotten bored of pulling at Taylor Swift’s metaphorical pigtails by now. But apparently Taylor is still someone he loves to talk about. He reminded us about their feud in his VMA speech, and he did it again backstage.
And this goes without typing, but your thoughts about Kanye West’s latest Twitter rant of insanity are best expressed through the face that North West is making in that picture. (Side note: She’s probably really making that face because she can’t with her parents making her wear another jacket made out of Fizzgig’s slaughtered relatives.)
Ever since Kanye West has started promoting his new album, his Twitter page has really, really turned into “shit a schizophrenic homeless man screams about on a NYC subway train during rush hour on a Monday morning.” It’s always kind of been like that, but Kanye has taken it to new levels of crazy. Kanye klaimed on Twitter that he’s as broke as Pimp Mama Kris’ sense of dignity, because being the greatest artiste of all-time has put him in debt by as much as $53 million. And last night, he went on an insane Twitter rant that made us all say, “Hmmm, I didn’t know that Tila Tequila was Kanye West’s ghost tweeter.”
Kanye wants Mark Zuckerberg and all of the other tech richies in Silicone Valley to stop building schools in Africa and give him $1 billion to make art because he’s our modern day Walt Disney or something. Who cares about the needy children in Africa! What the world really needs is more leather jogging pants and overpriced ugly sneakers! At first I thought that Kanye panhandling on the Internet was PMK’s influence at work, but even she is more subtle with her schemes. Many of Kanye’s brain-melting tweets are after the cut. Part of me thinks he’s got a PhD in grand master trolling and is putting it to good use. The other part of me thinks that being locked up with those Kartrashians has made whatever is left of his sanity slide into a dark, scary place that strangely enough looks a lot like the space between Kim Kartrashian’s ass cheeks.