The romantic duo that the random celebrity couple generator brought together, Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra, aka “Prick“, are now married after a four month engagement. Hindu weddings do not play, and there is one day left of their five day celebration, which means a high likelihood that Nick will be bare backing an elephant into the closing ceremony tomorrow. So, Ladies and Gentlemen who are so inclined, you may want to carve out a bit of alone time tomorrow if seeing a Jonas Brother astride a pachyderm is your idea of a good time.
Millions of 19-year-olds and 20-years-old are in the fetal position on the floor of their dorms after their inner tween exploded into a flood of tears from hearing that the Jonas Brothers (aka the Hanson of their time) are fucking done professionally. The Jonas Brothers killed and buried their tour earlier this month and now they’re killing and burying the entire group. But they’re burying it in a shallow grave, because they might want to dig up its mangled remains later on. The Jonas Brothers couldn’t even queef out one statement together. They each shat out their own break-up line to People:
“It’s over for now.” – Kevin
“It’s really hard to say ‘forever.’ We’re closing a chapter, for sure.” – Nick
“It was a unanimous decision.” – Joe
This is what I’m reading that shit as:
“I’m done with those catty bitches….until we all need a check (mousse ain’t cheap) and have to reunite for a county fair circuit tour.” – Kevin
“It’s really hard to literally say the word ‘forever’ when I’m doing 500 ab crunches every minute so my body can stay Sean Cody sexy for my new career as a shirtless Instagram model.‘ – Nick
“The fans unanimously made this decision by not buying tickets to our tour.” – Dragon Chasing Joe
Since I’m way too old to feel emotions about this shit, I thought about how I would feel if Exposé announced that they were quitting each other forever. I’d probably empty out my checking account to buy a ticket to China, so I could do an endless wall slide of WHY?!!!!!!!!!!! against the Great Wall.
When the Jonas Brothers’ manager dried up the coochies of their fans by announcing that their 19-date tour wasn’t going to happen, many of us figured it was because they didn’t want to play to venues as empty as Kevin Jonas’ stomach after he throws everything up from seeing his wife’s bare twat. The JoBros’ manager blamed the tour’s cancellation on the brothers fighting over which direction their music should go. But for the past few days, Joe Jonas has been seen with a dude who is a known addiction specialist and helped Demi Lovato dry up.
TMZ says the dude’s name is Mike Bayer and he’s the founder and CEO of Cast Recovery Services. Last night in L.A., Mike, Joe and Kevin left Lindsay Lohan’s rehab facility of choice, Chateau Marmont, together. Blind Gossip claims that the bad shit is fucking with Joe’s life and during the past year he’s been skipping after the dragon by doing heroin with his girlfriend Blanda Eggenschwiler. (Warning: If you happen to be reading this at a German restaurant, don’t say that name out loud unless you want to order the brunch special.)
A source told Blind Gossip that Joe’s dad knows about his problem with heroin, but doesn’t want him to go to rehab, because he’s afraid that it will ruin the group’s “wholesome” image and fans will turn against them. Joe finally went against his daddy’s wishes and told him he was taking his ass to rehab. The group’s team spun it to make it look like they were canceling the tour due to “creative differences.”
Daddy Jonas must be snorting, smoking, injecting, fucking, sucking, eating and swallowing heroin himself if he thinks that his little money makers still have a wholesome image and that fans would be surprised by this. You’re in the minority if you were part of the Disney whore machine and weren’t a total mess at least once in your life. Drug dealers regularly watch the Disney Channel to get to know their future clients. Disney fucks kids up and all of us have known that for centuries.
And if Joe isn’t addicted to the bad shit, he has a funny way of shooting down the rumors. Because coming out of Chateau Marmont with strung out eyes and a Jim Morrison t-shirt on your body is one way to say, “I love drugs!”
Pics: Pacific Coast News
A rep for The Jonas Brothers announced today that their 19-date tour has been shut down, tickets will be funded and it’s all because those bitches are fighting. Fuck, I swear. Kevin borrows Joe’s dildos and vibrating ass clamp without asking, and hissy fits are thrown and the entire tour gets shut down! Drama queens. Instead of saying the truth, which is probably “noburdy bought tickets,” their rep said this to People:
“There is a deep rift within the band. There was a big a disagreement over their music direction.”
Deep rift… Those are the exact words my free clinic doctor uses after my prostate exam.
TMZ says that Kevin, Joe and Nick are fighting with each other and threatening to break up, because they can’t agree on what their next singles should be. One wants to do pop, the other wants to do rock and other one just wants to sit in the corner and fluff up his poodle mop with a pick comb (I’m looking at you, Kevin). TMZ’s source says that they can’t go on until they figure out what they’re going to do and they might break up.
If this happened 5 years ago, we’d all be huddled around a lit match in an underground bunker and stabbing each other’s hands with a plastic knife while fighting over the last can of expired tuna, because the tweens would’ve brought on the apocalypse with their screeches. So we should all thank The Jonas Brothers for threatening to break up when their fans are now too grown to have a meltdown. Besides, they all have bigger and better things to do. Kevin can open a perm salon for poodles, Joe can finally get around to filming that hardcore BDSM sex tape we’ve been waiting for and Nick can take his new ripped twink body to Sean Cody.
Seen above looking like they’re on the cover of a hardcore gay frond porn about three power bottom brothers who are taking over the world six dicks at a time, The Jonas Brothers were asked by Out Magazine how they feel about the rumors that at least one of them gets the ass twitches for hard peen. That picture, Kevin’s new wave poodle hair and the fact that they all look like they’re squinting hard while getting DP’d are adding ten gallons of fuel on the rumors, but they say that they love pussy more than they love Jesus.
Joe: We have a lot of gay friends and gay fans. It’s a boy band stereotype; people assume, but we don’t take offense.
Nick: Prior to us being a band, I was a super theater geek. I loved theater and I still do, and I care about fashion, and I care about a lot of things that I feel like stereotypes are attached to.
Joe: [Being in ‘Out’] is a moment for us for sure. We keep saying, ‘Well, it’s about time.’
I guess Out didn’t include Kevin’s response, because they didn’t know how to properly put his “whistling, shifty eye movements and nail biting” into words.
Nick Jonas has pulled his dusty purity cock ring from the storage box under his bed and Delta Goodrem no longer has to worry about leaving the bar early after her teenage piece gets carded, because they have ended their love after 9 months together. It’s always a sad day for real love when two publicists can’t renegotiate a relationship contract. Delta is busy pushing red buttons as a judge in Australia’s The Voice and Nick is poppin’ his bubble butt on Broadway, so they just don’t have time to hold hands in staged photo-ops anymore. Delta’s rep released this statement to EVERYONE including The Herald Sun in Australia this morning:
“Nick and Delta have decided to mutually end their relationship. At this point in time, they are both focused on their careers as they go on different paths. They remain friends and wish each other the best for the future.”
Somewhere that one Blind Item is re-enacting MiserAlba’s “I CAN ALMOST SEE AGAIN!!” scene from the Oscar-winning classic The Eye, because it has partial vision now that half of it has been solved. As for the other part of that blind item, my ass guessed it’s Joel Madden, but some put Seal’s name in the guess box. Who ever it is, is one lucky dude with a smiley face asshole. That’s if Delta Goodrem lives up to her last name, anyway. I know, Delta’s last name is pronounced “Good Rem,” but that’s not how my dirty ass sees it. Spread your cheeks, flare your b-hole, stick your head in the gutter and say it with me now: Delta GOOD RIM! I’d hit it (after running my no-no under the faucet, of course)!