I know it looks like Leonardo DiCaprio is flashing some kind of bearded hobo gang sign, but that’s actually how he orders models. “Two please! I’m thinking something from 1992, blonde…aw hell, it’s my birthday – surprise me! NOTHING OLDER THAN 25, YOU HEAR ME???”
It was the President of the Pussy Posse’s 40th birthday yesterday, so he had his assistant Lukas Haas dock the yacht (the S. S. Snatch Catcher) so he could celebrate with his friends at the Soho House in West Hollywood. But when he arrived, Leo was greeted by something far more wonderful and important than friends: bony-assed panty models! According to TMZ, Leo’s guest list included a bunch of his friends like Tyrese, Russell Simmons, Robin Thicke (ew Leo no), and then a shitload of models. A source tells TMZ that they estimate the guest list was about 80% models.
80% may seen like a lot, but just remember – models take up a lot less space. So if you want the room to look full, you’ve got to really pack them in. Besides, a 5:1 model-to-guest ratio isn’t nearly enough for a seasoned pussy hound like Leo. Leo probably arrived at Soho House, scanned the room like a booty-hunting T-1000, calculated a paltry pussy count of 80%, and promptly slapped Lukas Haas across the face while screaming “80? 80? WHERE’S THE OTHER 20?!?”
Obviously there were no cameras allowed inside Leo’s birthday party, but here are some of the non-model guests leaving last night, including sexy humanoid Eggo waffle Jonah Hill, Joel Edgerton, and vinegar-based life-form Adam Levine:
I know what you’re thinking: “Of course she was presented with the wrong award! The only award that should be given to Kim Kardashian is the Drowsiest Performance in an Amateur Porno at the AVN Awards”. And while I totally agree with you (except maybe for the word “amateur”, because we all know Kim is a pro when it comes to taking a dick) sadly that wasn’t the situation last night at the British GQ Awards.
Kanye West’s cheap knock-off My Size Barbie was honored with the title of “W
oman of the Year” at the GQ Men of the Year Awards last night, because I guess if Pimp Mama Kris and Satan back a dump truck full of cash into your driveway, you’ll pretty much give that hooker whatever award she wants. Kim trotted up on stage to collect her award looking like a skanky trick-turning mermaid stripper caught in a tuna net, thanked PMK and Satan and the scientist who invented Botox for making her look as slow as she actually is and the wonderful living breathing photo op that fell out of her rode-hard-put-away-never pussy. But according to The Daily Mail, it wasn’t until she zombie shuffled backstage that she realized she had been given the wrong award. As it turns out, Kim was presented with Pharrell Williams’ award for “Solo Artist of the Year”. Kim probably klued in when she saw the word solo: “This can’t be right – I’m famous for a classic male-on-female, not a solo performance. This must be meant for someone else.”
Which means that at some point last night, there was a very confused Pharrell holding a “Woman of the Year” award and thinking “How many times do I have to tell these people? I’m not Poussey from OINTB!”
And since we already know what Kim wore (trash, she wore trash) here’s everyone else who went to the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London last night, including Benedict Otterface, Cara Delevingne, Daisy Lowe’s tits, Pippa Middleton because WHY?!?, and Jessie J who, like always, was a vision of low-budget escort glamour (yes even more than Kim Kardashian).
The last time I posted about Richard Grieco, he was looking like Johnny Depp if Johnny Depp was bit by a zombie, fell into a vat of boiling oil and spent his days smoking meth off of a tin spoon under the pier at the beach (“So you mean, like Johnny Depp today?” – you). Well, what a difference a year, a bottle of Bonne Bell foundation, a haircut by a speed freak with arthritic hands and some old L.A. Looks gel makes!
Richard Grieco graced the lessers with his presence at last night’s L.A. premiere of 22 Jump Street, because well, the producers promised him a couple of drink tickets and a half-carton of Reds if he showed up. While a bunch of borings showed up being boring, Richard Grieco showed them how sexy is really done. Yes, sexy IS looking like a parched turtle doing its best impersonation of Eddie Munster as a bunch of black crows attack its head. Richard Grieco still has it.
Here’s more of Richard along with pictures of others like Channing Tatum, Dave Franco and Andy Dick. I know, Richard Grieco AND Andy Dick in the same theater together. How didn’t that theater immediately fill with gallons upon gallons of crotch cream?
Jonah Hill has already apologized once for that TMZ video of him barking “suck my dick, you faggot” at a photographer on Howard Stern’s radio show, but I guess his “I can’t be a homophobe, I have a gay best friend!” angle wasn’t winning anyone over, because he tried his hand at a second, more sincere “I’m sowwy” with Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show last night.
The producers of 22 Jump Street must have really scared the fear into Jonah Dirtpile, because his apology is nearly three minutes long and he doesn’t mention his gay best friend once. Instead, he says what we were all kind of hoping he’d admit the first time around: that an asshole pap was pissing him off and he retaliated by calling him a shitty slur and he fucked up. He also says he didn’t mean to use “faggot” in a homophobic way, but that it doesn’t matter which way he meant it, because the word he chose was “grotesque”. Jonah even got a little choked up. Then again, that could just have been him realizing that if he doesn’t make this shit look convincing, his ass might get replaced in 23 Jump Street by a cardboard cut-out of Seth Rogen.
The cynical asshole in me wants to believe this second apology is merely the work of TWO-TIME ACADEMY AWARD-NOMINATED ACTOR JONAH HILL!!!, but I think he’s sincerely sorry for using the other f-word. I’m sure if he could go back, he’d freeze time like Evie from Out of This World, cram the words “Suck my dick, you faggot” back in his mouth and search in his mental Rolodex of Insults for something else. Like “Eat my turds, you rotten leaky dick cyst” or something. Next time, Jonah, next time.
Here’s Jonah Hill at GMA this morning:
This weekend, the human version of a popped can of expired Pillsbury Grands biscuits Jonah Hill was walking through the Larchmont area of LA with a couple of friends when he started being followed by a couple of photographers, including a pap from TMZ with a video camera, who tried to ask him a couple questions. Jonah Hill refused to answer, probably because he was too busy mentally analyzing why his BFFs Brad Pitt and Leo DiCaprio haven’t returned any of his emails or phone calls lately. Even after one of the paps sarcastically comments on his hideous shorts by saying: “I like the shorts though, bro. They are pretty sexy”, Jonah says nothing.
Eventually they decide to leave him and wish him a good day, and that’s when that dumb fool opens his mouth and proudly hisses out: “Suck my dick, you faggot.” Yes, that was his response to the words “Have a good day”; calling someone the dirty double-g F-slur, “faggot”.
Dear Jonah Hill: The Wolf of Wall Street wrapped shooting in 2013; you can stop acting like a hateful asshole any time now.
And in true damage control fashion, Jonah has come forward to deny that he’s a husky homophobe and offer an apology ripped straight from the Alec Baldwin Apologies for Assholes handbook. Jonah appeared on Howard Stern on Monday to say he’s so sowwy for using the “disgusting” F-double-G word because he’s been a gay rights activist since the day he was born (really, he said that) and that he has a gay best friend. Yes, he pulled the gay best friend card. Alec Baldwin just shed a single rude, thoughtless little tear of pride.
He also claimed he’d NEVAH say such a hateful word, but he couldnt help it! It’s not his fault! He lost his cool and burped out the word “faggot” to the paps because they had been following him around all day, talking shit about his family. He then went on to say:
“I’m pretty good at making movies. I am not good at being a famous person.”
The first part of that sentence is debatable, but the second part is 100% correct if you remove the word “famous”.
There have been so many damn premieres of Martin Scorsese films starring Leonardo DiCaprio that at this point, Leo probably just turns to Lukas Haas and rolls his eyes saying, “Put on something nice, honey. It’s date night.” Leo dusted off the rat’s ass he pulls out right before Oscar season to attend the premiere of Wolf of Wall Street in New York City last night, looking a little pudding pie in the face.
Whoever dressed Leo’s co-star Matthew McConaughey should be nominated for all the awards in the category of tailoring a suit that transforms the wearer from a T. rex to the Swedish Chef in the arms. I had to double check to make sure those weren’t fake hands poking out of the sleeves of Matthew’s Colonel-Sanders-as-a-bridegroom suit. All he needs to complete the look is a ribbon bow tie and Leo’s facial hair.
Here are more pics from the premiere last night. Besides Leo and Matty with his wife Camila Alves, also pictured is Jonah Hill (who needs to reel in that creepy fangirl look), hottie Kyle Chandler who I had shamefully forgotten about, Margot Robbie and Martin Scorsese (and his eyebrows, which really should get top billing on all his films).
If you ever wondered what it would look like if The Great Gatsby’s personality and Wall Street’s internal organs were shoved into American Psycho’s body, here’s your answer. Above is the trailer for Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street which stars his muse Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Jonah Hill, The Texas T-Rex, Kyle Chandler, Joanna Lumley and the Victoria’s Secret model version of Emma Stone known as Margot Robbie. The Wolf of Wall Street is about some Wall Street type who… Oh, who gives a shit. The only thing that matters is that this trailer has midget tossing, a monkey in roller skates, a flying lobster, The Texas T-Rex playing the chest drums and THIS:
Leo is popping and locking for that Oscar. And if they really want an Oscar, they’ll submit this shit in the documentary category, because this is basically Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s life set in the 90s.
Rob Kartrashian wah wah wah’ed out a river of sad tears on Twitter earlier this month right after he found out that his girlfriend Rita Ora allegedly let a bunch of dudes run up into her raw while they were together. Rita Ora never said anything about it and ten seconds later dumb ass Rob tried to act like he wasn’t talking about her. But a source tells UsWeekly that Rob was obviously talking about Rita Whora, because he dumped her after finding out that she screwed his heart over by screwing Jonah Hill.
The source said that while Rita Whora was in NYC for a minute, she spent the night with Jonah Hill. I know Jonah Hill doesn’t exactly moisten your chops, but ANYTHING is an upgrade from a piece of trash Kardashian. ANYTHING. That night in NYC, Rita Whora probably woke up in her hotel room, came to her senses and realized that she let a Kardashian raw dog dick her a bunch of times. Rita Whora ran out of her hotel room in a panic and tried to wipe the Kardashian smegma from her poon by humping everything in her path. Rita humped a door knob, humped the maid’s cart, did anal with a DO NOT DISTURB sign and then she came across Jonah Hill in the hallway. Rita drive-by fucked him in ten seconds flat.
You gotta hump what you gotta hump to get rid of that Kardashian stench on your twat. Even if UsWeekly’s headline read, “Rita Ora Cheated On Rob Kardashian With A Pile Of Zombie Poo,” I still wouldn’t judge or blame her.
CNN anchor Don Lemon called out Jonah Hill on Twitter yesterday for being a self-important, rude douche of the highest order and Don came off as a self-important, rude douche of the highest order while doing so. Don tweeted that he was waiting in the lobby of his hotel when he recognized Jonah Hill. When Don said hi to him, he says Jonah acted like a diva and brushed him off. Jonah responded to Don and that’s when they started yanking at each other’s weaves. Oh, if the Internet is high school, then Twitter is the furthest quad from the principal’s office where you can always watch two catty bitches going at it. This is how Don and Jonah’s cat fight went down:
Because this is obviously a CNN-worthy BREAKING news story, Don went into it even more on Soledad O’Brien’s show this morning. Don said that he was already having a bad day, because he missed his flight due to the cab driver asking for his autograph (yes, he just HAD to throw that in) and when he finally got his hotel, his bad day got even worse after the dude from 21 Jump Street threw him shade. Don said that Jonah treated him like he was THE HELP and gave him a half-assed, wet handshake. Don said, “Normally it doesn’t bother me, but I was done … because I’d been taught by mother to always be kind to people.”
In this cat fight, I’m not holding either one of their purses. Don needs to get over it and taking it to Twitter is the true definition of petty. Don is on CNN, doesn’t he have more important shit to report about? (“Not really.” – CNN) Besides, why would he want to shake Jonah Hill’s hand after that ho just finished taking a piss. Jonah Hill looks like the type who doesn’t wash the piss off his hands afterward. And Jonah Hill is just ugh. They both lost this one.
With that being said, I kind of wish they’ll kiss, make-up and get married. Because if they did get married, their hyphenated last name will be Lemon-Hill and Lemon Hill sounds like a delicious and refreshing summer time beverage from the makers of Strawberry Hill.
Some horny bitch in the Hollywood hierarchy must have sampled Channing Tatum’s thonged delights a couple of years back. Because I can’t sneak a nip into the AMC without his liverwursty self confronting me in every trailer shown. I don’t get it. He’s got a nice setup (sometimes) but is the talent there? No, but a badonka donk bubble butt obviously is because Parks and Recreation’s Adam Scott wants to fuck it and Jonah Hill insisted on a sexy skinny-dipping session with it. Lap band surgery makes you gay.
We posted about Adam Scott’s desire for Channing Tatum’s buttocks over at my day job (it was a nice break from topics like self-fisting and which porn star gobbles cock the best). Scott rhapsodized to Details about Channing’s hams and what we as a public should do with them.
DETAILS: Wow, that is nerdy. So, on Parks, the cast always seems to be having a ton of fun.
Adam Scott: You don’t have fun at work? You work for Details. You sit around and talk about hot dudes like Channing Tatum. That guy looks like he was sculpted out of ivory. If they made casts of asses to sell at adult stores for people to have sex with, they would use his ass. Sorry for everything I just said.
You know when you’re awkward and you sweat through party conversation and inevitably the thing you say to someone is a weird reference to some nightmarish fantasy that you have about snoodling and they quickly move away to the cheese plate? Maybe that’s just Adam and I. Because that was quite a jump from “having fun on the set” to “I want a rubber Channing Tatum ass to fuck”.
He’s going to be one hissingly jealous pocket queen because toad turned meerkat Jonah Hill got to splash around with Channing’s big white ass in Miami! They’re in the 21 Jump Street remake together and Tatum told Jimmy Kimmel that they went for a dip together all nude and stuff.
“We decided to jump in the ocean—naked. It was nighttime, thank God,” Tatum shared.
“There’s Jerry’s Deli right on the corner and [Jonah] decides he wants to go in and all he’s got is his T-shirt and his underwear on and he’s like, ‘I’m going in to get something to eat!’ and I’m like, ‘No!’ So I stopped him and [took] him back to the car,” he added. “Now he’s nicknamed ‘Baby Jonah’ because I had to dress him like a mom. I’m like, ‘No, no. Bad Jonah. No. Butt up, butt up. OK.”
“Butt up”? Kinky adult baby play? The fuck is going on during these shoots? George Clooney must have made an immediate beeline for Channing’s latest movie shoot after he made bail.
Oh, and I’m not going to pretend like I wouldn’t spelunk on that ass. I’ve had liverwurst before. It didn’t kill me.