It’s been a while since George Clooney and his fancy lawyer wife Amal Clooney tore up a red carpet like two aspiring teen models on a makeshift catwalk at an open call in a mall, and I was afraid they might have forgotten their signature poses during their time away. But I see they’ve clearly been practicing in front of the mirror in their downtime. Work that Zales Valentine’s Day direct mail flyer attitude, Amal!
George and Amal showed up to the premiere of Georgie’s new movie Hail, Caesar! in Hollywood last night, and they turned that shit out. They were like the Heart Family on HGH. George and Amal clung to each other while staring into each others eyes with that look that says “…but I’m actually staring into your heart.” It’s like their photo-op coach told them before hand to mentally channel one of those Always Kiss Me Goodnight signs.
Sure, maybe it wasn’t intentional – but it doesn’t help that Amal is giving ten tons of Loving You Barbie’s rich society wife cousin in that Sweet 16 party dress. Not to mention that George is dressed in that suspiciously neutral way that makes you feel like the premiere was just a cover so he could surprise Amal with a public vow renewal ceremony. Shit, I better stop talking before I give them any ideas.
Here’s more from the Hail, Caesar! premiere last night, including Channing Tatum, Jenna Dewan Tatum in some sort of Sears bed-in-a-bag dress, Jonah Hill, and a still very hot (don’t judge me) Dolph Lundgren.
I know it looks like Leonardo DiCaprio is flashing some kind of bearded hobo gang sign, but that’s actually how he orders models. “Two please! I’m thinking something from 1992, blonde…aw hell, it’s my birthday – surprise me! NOTHING OLDER THAN 25, YOU HEAR ME???”
It was the President of the Pussy Posse’s 40th birthday yesterday, so he had his assistant Lukas Haas dock the yacht (the S. S. Snatch Catcher) so he could celebrate with his friends at the Soho House in West Hollywood. But when he arrived, Leo was greeted by something far more wonderful and important than friends: bony-assed panty models! According to TMZ, Leo’s guest list included a bunch of his friends like Tyrese, Russell Simmons, Robin Thicke (ew Leo no), and then a shitload of models. A source tells TMZ that they estimate the guest list was about 80% models.
80% may seen like a lot, but just remember – models take up a lot less space. So if you want the room to look full, you’ve got to really pack them in. Besides, a 5:1 model-to-guest ratio isn’t nearly enough for a seasoned pussy hound like Leo. Leo probably arrived at Soho House, scanned the room like a booty-hunting T-1000, calculated a paltry pussy count of 80%, and promptly slapped Lukas Haas across the face while screaming “80? 80? WHERE’S THE OTHER 20?!?”
Obviously there were no cameras allowed inside Leo’s birthday party, but here are some of the non-model guests leaving last night, including sexy humanoid Eggo waffle Jonah Hill, Joel Edgerton, and vinegar-based life-form Adam Levine:
I know what you’re thinking: “Of course she was presented with the wrong award! The only award that should be given to Kim Kardashian is the Drowsiest Performance in an Amateur Porno at the AVN Awards”. And while I totally agree with you (except maybe for the word “amateur”, because we all know Kim is a pro when it comes to taking a dick) sadly that wasn’t the situation last night at the British GQ Awards.
Kanye West’s cheap knock-off My Size Barbie was honored with the title of “W
oman of the Year” at the GQ Men of the Year Awards last night, because I guess if Pimp Mama Kris and Satan back a dump truck full of cash into your driveway, you’ll pretty much give that hooker whatever award she wants. Kim trotted up on stage to collect her award looking like a skanky trick-turning mermaid stripper caught in a tuna net, thanked PMK and Satan and the scientist who invented Botox for making her look as slow as she actually is and the wonderful living breathing photo op that fell out of her rode-hard-put-away-never pussy. But according to The Daily Mail, it wasn’t until she zombie shuffled backstage that she realized she had been given the wrong award. As it turns out, Kim was presented with Pharrell Williams’ award for “Solo Artist of the Year”. Kim probably klued in when she saw the word solo: “This can’t be right – I’m famous for a classic male-on-female, not a solo performance. This must be meant for someone else.”
Which means that at some point last night, there was a very confused Pharrell holding a “Woman of the Year” award and thinking “How many times do I have to tell these people? I’m not Poussey from OINTB!”
And since we already know what Kim wore (trash, she wore trash) here’s everyone else who went to the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London last night, including Benedict Otterface, Cara Delevingne, Daisy Lowe’s tits, Pippa Middleton because WHY?!?, and Jessie J who, like always, was a vision of low-budget escort glamour (yes even more than Kim Kardashian).
The last time I posted about Richard Grieco, he was looking like Johnny Depp if Johnny Depp was bit by a zombie, fell into a vat of boiling oil and spent his days smoking meth off of a tin spoon under the pier at the beach (“So you mean, like Johnny Depp today?” – you). Well, what a difference a year, a bottle of Bonne Bell foundation, a haircut by a speed freak with arthritic hands and some old L.A. Looks gel makes!
Richard Grieco graced the lessers with his presence at last night’s L.A. premiere of 22 Jump Street, because well, the producers promised him a couple of drink tickets and a half-carton of Reds if he showed up. While a bunch of borings showed up being boring, Richard Grieco showed them how sexy is really done. Yes, sexy IS looking like a parched turtle doing its best impersonation of Eddie Munster as a bunch of black crows attack its head. Richard Grieco still has it.
Here’s more of Richard along with pictures of others like Channing Tatum, Dave Franco and Andy Dick. I know, Richard Grieco AND Andy Dick in the same theater together. How didn’t that theater immediately fill with gallons upon gallons of crotch cream?
Jonah Hill has already apologized once for that TMZ video of him barking “suck my dick, you faggot” at a photographer on Howard Stern’s radio show, but I guess his “I can’t be a homophobe, I have a gay best friend!” angle wasn’t winning anyone over, because he tried his hand at a second, more sincere “I’m sowwy” with Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show last night.
The producers of 22 Jump Street must have really scared the fear into Jonah Dirtpile, because his apology is nearly three minutes long and he doesn’t mention his gay best friend once. Instead, he says what we were all kind of hoping he’d admit the first time around: that an asshole pap was pissing him off and he retaliated by calling him a shitty slur and he fucked up. He also says he didn’t mean to use “faggot” in a homophobic way, but that it doesn’t matter which way he meant it, because the word he chose was “grotesque”. Jonah even got a little choked up. Then again, that could just have been him realizing that if he doesn’t make this shit look convincing, his ass might get replaced in 23 Jump Street by a cardboard cut-out of Seth Rogen.
The cynical asshole in me wants to believe this second apology is merely the work of TWO-TIME ACADEMY AWARD-NOMINATED ACTOR JONAH HILL!!!, but I think he’s sincerely sorry for using the other f-word. I’m sure if he could go back, he’d freeze time like Evie from Out of This World, cram the words “Suck my dick, you faggot” back in his mouth and search in his mental Rolodex of Insults for something else. Like “Eat my turds, you rotten leaky dick cyst” or something. Next time, Jonah, next time.
Here’s Jonah Hill at GMA this morning:
This weekend, the human version of a popped can of expired Pillsbury Grands biscuits Jonah Hill was walking through the Larchmont area of LA with a couple of friends when he started being followed by a couple of photographers, including a pap from TMZ with a video camera, who tried to ask him a couple questions. Jonah Hill refused to answer, probably because he was too busy mentally analyzing why his BFFs Brad Pitt and Leo DiCaprio haven’t returned any of his emails or phone calls lately. Even after one of the paps sarcastically comments on his hideous shorts by saying: “I like the shorts though, bro. They are pretty sexy”, Jonah says nothing.
Eventually they decide to leave him and wish him a good day, and that’s when that dumb fool opens his mouth and proudly hisses out: “Suck my dick, you faggot.” Yes, that was his response to the words “Have a good day”; calling someone the dirty double-g F-slur, “faggot”.
Dear Jonah Hill: The Wolf of Wall Street wrapped shooting in 2013; you can stop acting like a hateful asshole any time now.
And in true damage control fashion, Jonah has come forward to deny that he’s a husky homophobe and offer an apology ripped straight from the Alec Baldwin Apologies for Assholes handbook. Jonah appeared on Howard Stern on Monday to say he’s so sowwy for using the “disgusting” F-double-G word because he’s been a gay rights activist since the day he was born (really, he said that) and that he has a gay best friend. Yes, he pulled the gay best friend card. Alec Baldwin just shed a single rude, thoughtless little tear of pride.
He also claimed he’d NEVAH say such a hateful word, but he couldnt help it! It’s not his fault! He lost his cool and burped out the word “faggot” to the paps because they had been following him around all day, talking shit about his family. He then went on to say:
“I’m pretty good at making movies. I am not good at being a famous person.”
The first part of that sentence is debatable, but the second part is 100% correct if you remove the word “famous”.