Millie Bobby Brown Is Probably Engaged To Jon Bon Jovi’s Son

At 19 years old, Millie Bobby Brown has possibly gotten Her First Hollywood Engagement™! But before you brace yourself for the news that young Millie’s new fiance is some much older creep whose sunk his sleazy claws into her for clout and money, her new fiance is only a year older than her and is Jon Bon Jovi’s son. It seems that Millie Bobby Brown has announced on Instagram that she’s engaged to her 20-year-old boyfriend, Jake Bongiovi. Cut to Drake loudly bawling over the one that got away before re-reading Millie’s current age and saying, “Oh, she’s 19 now. Congrats to that old maid, then.”

Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By Jon Bon Jovi Dragging The Kardashians 

Jon Bon Jovi recently got talking about fame and reality TV with Australia’s The Sunday Project (via Entertainment Tonight). And let’s just say Jon would rather wake up one morning with his hair in a feathered perm full of mousse and frosty box highlights than spend 60 seconds of his life watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Jon admitted that he’s not a fan of today’s famous-for-no-apparent-reason culture.

“I think it’s horrific that we live in that world and I can tell you I’ve never given 60 seconds of my life, ever, to one of those Housewives of Blah Blah and Kardashians. I don’t know their names, I’ve never watched 60 seconds of the show, it’s not for me. What’s gonna be in your autobiography? ‘I made a porno and guess what, I got famous.’ Fuck, sorry, I’ll pass. Go and write a book, paint a painting, act, study, sing, play write. Fame is a byproduct of writing a good song.”

First of all, be more specific, Jon. The Housewives of Bla Bla could literally apply to any series in the Real Housewives franchise, and it actually sounds like one with a really great reunion episode. Second, a talented adult performer makes a porno; Kim Kardashian made a sex tape. But it’s really too bad that Jon Bon Jovi doesn’t realize how much he has in common with Kim. Slippery When Wet is both the name of a Bon Jovi album and the sign they put out whenever Kim gets oiled up for a photo shoot. And I’m willing to bet that if any of Jon Bon Jovi’s middle-ages lady fans ever got their hands on a magic lamp or monkey’s paw, the first thing they’re wishing for is a porno starring Jon and Richie Sambora.

Pic: Wenn.com

And Here’s The Video Of Jon Bon Jovi, Taylor Swift And Prince William Singing “Livin’ On A Prayer” Together

Yesterday, I linked to a post about Jon Bon Jovi, Taylor Swift and Prince William awkwardly singing “Livin’ On A Prayer” together at the Winter White People Gala Winter Whites Gala at Kensington Palace in London and now here’s the video of it. It’s like watching your 9-year-old former child beauty queen cousin (the one who got kicked out of Karen’s Kids for hogging up the mic all the time), your dad and your socially awkward and permanently constipated uncle sing karaoke while completely sober at a wedding.

From Taylor moving like a baby giraffe trying to ice skate to Prince William looking about as nervous as me when I went to a children’s party and realized there was no booze (I was 8), this is every kind of awkward. If only Prince Hot Ginge wasn’t currently spooning with a bear in his tent during his trek to the South Pole. He would’ve saved the show by drunkenly singing out the wrong words before falling onto Taylor causing both of them to hit the floor. PHG would’ve gotten a standing ovation, mostly because he put a stop to Taylor’s dancing.

And Several Mid-To-Late 30-Something Women Just Creamed Their Hanes Her Ways

I don’t know about you, but if I was a junior high school girl circa 1987, I would be experiencing my first downtown moistening after seeing these pics of New Jersey’s finest – Jon Bon Jovi – showing off the bod. Can you tell I’ve had an entire bottle of champagne, two White Russians, and three shots of Bailey’s in CHOCOLATE CUPS YOU CAN EAT? It’s like a fat drunk’s greatest fantasy – a shot of booze YOU JUST STUFF IN YOUR MAW. And to the commentator who snarked that Boston can’t be a drinking city because we don’t have a legal happy hour – think again, chief. We work around that shit.

Jon is shooting us down in a blaze of glory by showing off his middle-aged millionaire bod on the beach at St. Bart’s. Rich people have a lot of time on their hands. So much time that photographing kelp is a cherished pastime. Seriously, all Jon Bon has to do is tour every five years and shit out an album with a passable adult contemporary single and money falls on his face. That’s a hot job.

“Steve Jobs Gives Music A Bad Name”

Today’s “GET OFF MAH LAWNS” moment is brought to you by Jon Bon Jovi. JoBoJo is sitting on his front porch in his leather Snuggie and waving his cane at Apple CEO Steve Jobs who he thinks is responsible for killing the music experience. Yes, you can put four quarters into the iTunes juke box and request a Jon Bon Jovi song, but he’s not exactly pushing out smiles about it.

In an interview with The Sunday Times Magazine, JB played the “going back in time” harp and reminisced about the old days when you played a record in your living room while holding the jacket against your chest. Okay, besides Sandra Dee, who the fuck held the record jacket against their chest like that? I guess Jon Bon Jovi did:

“Kids today have missed the whole experience of putting the headphones on, turning it up to 10, holding the jacket, closing their eyes and getting lost in an album; and the beauty of taking your allowance money and making a decision based on the jacket, not knowing what the record sounded like, and looking at a couple of still pictures and imagining it.

God, it was a magical, magical time. I hate to sound like an old man now, but I am, and you mark my words, in a generation from now people are going to say: ‘What happened?’ Steve Jobs is personally responsible for killing the music business.”

KIDS TODAY! Like JoBoJo, I sometimes get a bit of nostalgia in my eyes when thinking about how I used to stroll into Wherehouse Music on a Sunday afternoon and look at the board to see what the following week’s upcoming releases would be. Yes, I got that shit from looking at a stupid board. Then I’d come back sometime that week and use my allowance money to buy a CD and a couple of cassette singles. For the rest of the day, I’d listen to the entire CD on my headphones while reading the lyrics word for word and thinking about which songs I was going to put on the road trip mix-tape. Making a mix-tape was a mathematical art form, because you had to time that shit perfectly. Yes, those were the days. But those are always the days.

When cassette tapes came along, hos were screaming about the days of records. When CDs came along, hos were screaming about the days of cassette tapes (correction: I don’t think anybody missed cassettes). When Mp3s came along, hos were screaming about the days of CDs. It’s always going to be like that.

In 20 years, The Sunday Times iPad Weekly will interview one of the Jonas Brothers who will say how he misses the old days when kids uploaded songs to their iPod and listened to it while watching Cat videos and downloading porn clips from Megashare. Because in the future we’ll simply stream auto-tune arias directly into a microchip in our brains. “Those WERE the days” – A Jonas Bros. speaking from the set of Hoverboarding with the Stars

via MSN