In case you couldn’t tell from me type screaming “For why isn’t he wearing a loincloth?” every time I post about Alexander Skarsgard in The Legend of Tarzan, Alexander Skarsgard does not wear a loincloth in The Legend of Tarzan. In the movie, Tarzan is summoned back to the jungle while shopping at a Land End’s outlet, so he has to quickly buy a pair of baggy pedal pushers and get on the next boat out of that bitch. Tarzan not wearing a loincloth is not only offensive to those of us who wanted several eyefuls of ASKars’ Swedish stems and bulge, it’s also very offensive to historians. Because any historian will tell you that if Tarzan existed, he would’ve worn a g-string banana hammock made out of actual banana peels. But if it was up to ASkars, he would’ve given us desperate hard-up hos a loincloth show.
Taylor Swift Tried To Make A Low-Key Appearance At A Broadway Show, But Was Ratted Out By Jon Voight
Taylor Swift decided to spend her Christmas Eve eve (that’s a thing people celebrate, right?) doing what sounds like my nightmare: getting dressed up all fancy-like and going to the theatre. Christmas Eve eve is the night you pre-game for Christmas Eve by getting drunk on rum spiked with Baileys and eating Nanaimo bars till you start to lose all the feeling in your fingers, not spending $95 to be on your best behavior.
Regardless, Tay Tay is clearly much more refined than us drunks, because Page Six says she took her family to see Beautiful: The Carole King Musical on Christmas Eve eve, but unfortunately, Tay Tay wasn’t able to fly under the radar like she had hoped to, because St. Angie Jolie’s loudmouth father Jon Voight blew her cover. According to sources, Tay Tay managed to go unnoticed until intermission, and that’s when Jon Voight shouted across the theatre: “Taylor Swift! How are you?” Obviously hearing the words ‘Taylor Swift’ is like a Manchurian Candidate verbal trigger for girls aged seven to thirteen, so Taylor was mobbed by selfie-seeking fans. Good job, Jon Voight! Although – silver lining – at least he got her name right.
But is it really Jon Voight’s fault that Tay Tay was discovered? First off, St. Angie didn’t receive her gifts of quiet saintly humility from her father (she inherited them from her mentor, Jesus), so it’s kind of in his nature to talk first, think later. Second, he might have been drunk; hey, it was Christmas Eve eve. Finally, even if he hadn’t shouted out her name, Tay Tay would have still been mobbed by fans. It’s impossible for her to go incognito – she’s a 6-foot tall Disney Princess-looking humanoid giraffe.
Here’s Tay Tay looking like a Republican senator’s second wife as she arrives at Hugh Jackman’s play The River on Christmas Eve:
Jon Voight is a major Michele Bachmann fanboy and he wishes Catholics believed in reincarnation, because in the next life he wants to be a corn dog so Michele Bachmann can wrap her lips around him. The Queen of the Tea Party’s reign of terror as a member of the US House of Representatives comes to an end this year and the Washington Post (via Jezebel) did a long ass piece on what’s next for her. They talked to Michele Bachmann’s close friend Jon Voight who slobbered out nothing but a stream of praise for her. Just like Marcus Bachmann’s ass at a tea party husbands only soiree, Michele Bachmann’s future is sky high, so says Jon Voight. Jon thinks that Michele is so interesting and amazing that Hollywood should make a movie about her life and he thinks the daughter who hates him so much that she didn’t tell him about her wedding should play Michele.
Actor and close friend Jon Voight said he’d talk to his friends at Fox News on her behalf. As far as he’s concerned, Bachmann is already a star. If there were ever to be a movie about her life, he said, his daughter Angelina Jolie would be great for the part. “Actually, that was not a wise thing for me to say, because her politics are not with Michele,” he said later. “I only wish they would be.”
And Jon Voight is supposed to be one of Michele Bachmann’s biggest fans?! Jon Voight doesn’t know shit and he should shut his mouth. He obviously doesn’t know Michele Bachmann, because St. Angie Jolie does not have what it takes to play her. Michele Bachmann has crazed eye globes that can burn a new hole into your body (“Why do you think I married her?” – Marcus Bachmann) and the edges of souls have caught on fire from the glares shooting out of her irises. If any kid of Jon Voight’s has what it takes to play Michele Bachmann, it’s James Haven:
I know, I just outed myself as Mimi’s in-home Photoshop expert thanks to that professional and perfect piece of work I threw up.
Every religion issued a joint statement today saying that August 23rd is now the holiest holiday of the year (Sorry, Christmas! Sorry, Yom Kippur! Sorry, Eid al-Fitr! Sorry, Bea Arthur’s birthday!), because the holiest couple in history became husband and wife in the holiest union of the century and everybody who witnessed that blessed event has been declared a saint (“Um, but I was declared a saint as soon as I was pulled out of my mom’s bony snatch.” – Shiloh). But one trick who wasn’t declared a saint was Jon Voight, because Jon Voight wasn’t there and he found out about it when we all did. Jon Voight was being interviewed by Inside Edition this morning and the reporter talking to him told him the news that his daughter married her third husband and the only thing he had to say was, “That’s nice.” You know your daughter hates you more than she hates wearing a color that’s not black or beige when you find out about her wedding from an Inside Edition reporter. Not even Entertainment Tonight! Inside Edition!
Yes, that’s Crazy Eyes from Orange Is The New Black after winning the award for “Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series”, which means there is a God, and he too probably binge-watched the second season back in June like the rest of us (“Hi, you’ve reached God. I can’t take your prayer right now because I’m watching OITNB, but leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m done.”)
On Saturday night, the Creative Arts Emmys were given out at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles, and in case you’re not totally familiar, the Creative Arts Emmy Awards are sort of like the Cindy Brady to the Primetime Emmy Awards’s Marcia (which would make Jan the messy shit-show that is the Daytime Emmy Awards ). They air a week before the Primetime Emmys and they give out awards for technical shit like editing and…uh…editing? Maybe microphone holding? But they also give out awards for guest actors and reality show hosts and stuff. Basically, THE LEFTOVERS. On the plus side, it’s always filled with the hottest of the hot: Uzo Aduba! Allison Janney! Bob Newhart! What’s the opposite word for “basic bitches”?
Other people who took home pointy-winged gold yoga ball-holding angel statues were Jane Lynch for hosting Hollywood Game Night, Allison Janney for her guest spot on Masters of Sex, Joseph Gordon-Levitt for (inhale) “Outstanding Creative Achievement in Interactive Media in the Category of Social TV Experience” for his online show HitRecord On TV, and Harry Shearer for his voice work on The Simpsons. That’s right, the voice of Principal Skinner/Mr. Burns/Smithers/Flanders/Lenny/Otto/Reverend Lovejoy has NEVER won an Emmy before; the world truly is a fucked-up place. The complete list of winners can be found here.
And here’s everyone wearing fancy dresses and suits in million-degree weather at the Creative Arts Emmys on Saturday night, including Laverne Cox (who does Beyoncé better than Beyoncé ever has. YES I SAID IT. Come at me, Bumblebeys, I ain’t scared!), and Derek Hough looking like Earring Magic Ken all dressed up.
After being closed for CENTURIES (read: about a week), the doors to the comment section are finally opening up again tomorrow. It feels like I’ve been yelling at an empty big white box for the past week, which I kind of have. There’s going to be one big change, though. (This is the part where I down three shots of rubbing alcohol with a splash of gin.) The comments are moving to Disqus and mostly because it has the word DIQ in it.
When I first brought up the idea of moving to Disqus last week, some readers emailed me and said “YAAAAASSS!” to that shit and some readers emailed me and said “NOOOOOOO!” to that shit. I’ve been playing with Disqus on both ends (the commenter side and the moderator side, and yes, that’s the first time in years I’ve played with anything on both ends) for a few weeks, because a lot of people told me I should consider moving to it. After playing with it on both ends (yes, I wanted a reason to type that a second time), I felt it was the best thing for the site. So we’re going to try it and see how it goes. The comments from the old site will be lubed up and shoved into Disqus, but logins won’t. I figured that some of you might want to register with a different email address or post anonymously, so the logins won’t be moved over. With Disqus, you can either register for a Disqus account, post as a guest or if you really want your friends and loved ones to know your feelings about the Kartrashians, you can use your Facebook, Twitter or Google+ account.
As for other site stuff, we’re still fixing a few glitches and tweaking here and there (“Me too!” – Amanda Bynes). Remind to never move again. Thanks for the emails and thanks to the boxed wine at Target and my weed dispensary for being there for a bitch.
And you probably didn’t read any of that since you were getting lost in James Haven’s puckering anus lips. Here’s James Haven keeping the skull cap alive while puckering next to Jon Voight and a lady guest at last night’s NYC premiere of World War Z.