Jon and Kate Gosselin are like the roaches you see scattering around the kitchen that come out to taunt you with their existence every now and again. These mu’fuckas just refuse to call the time of death on their “celebrity,” because Kate is still pimping the kids out on TLC and Jon is now a stripper.
Yes, I know, you need a moment to go grab the lotion of your choice because the mental image of his pasty, busted biscuit can shaped body gyrating for the masses is setting your loins to BROIL. Well, unfortunately for all of us, Jon is more of a cock tease than the girl in high school who only gives out hand jobs.
Back when J. Harvey was a tyke and had to get a job behind the grill at Mickey D’s, his loving parents responded to his whining with an important life lesson – “there’s nobility to be found in any job, as long as you work hard and do your best.” They were wrong, of course. I was unable to keep up with the demand for Big Macs one Saturday, in addition to burning a co-worker with a white-hot fry basket while fielding an accusation from a harridan manageress that my McNuggets “weren’t fresh.” Nobility was in short shrift that day.
However, someone should console Ed Hardy’s most fallen angel, Unalamer Jon Gosselin, with my parents’ faulty wisdom. He’s gone from waiter to male stripper. His aging, Affliction tee-encased body might need some consoling hugs. Continue reading
For the past several years, Jon Gosselin (seen above with his look-alike brother) and his ex-wife (and high-class hair pioneer/career harpy) Kate Gosselin have worked out a custody agreement so that their 8 kids have visitation with him while she has full physical custody. Every once in awhile, Jon seems to pop his head out of his Ed Hardy-lined gopher hole to tell the world that he wants more time with his kids. Unfortunately for him, it seems the feeling isn’t entirely mutual and his 15-year-old twin daughters Mady and Cara hit him with a very public “No Thanks” back in August. But Jon won’t let that stop him from trying to get joint custody.
Kate Gosselin’s “irate Bath & BodyWorks customer” hair from the Jon & Kate Plus 8 days might be long gone, but the awkward awfulness between her and her ex-husband Jon Gosselin lives on. The latest real-life episode of Jon & Kate Still H8 Each Other happened earlier this week, and of course it’s a mess.
The last time I wrote about Jon Gosselin’s living and job situation, he was working as a waiter and living in a cabin in the woods. Jon was fired from his waiter job last May because he didn’t show up to a lot of his shifts and he was always late. Jon later got a job at a credit card company and moved out of his cabin in the woods and into an apartment. But now UsWeekly is saying that he might soon be living in a tent made out of Ed Hardy t-shirts, because he doesn’t have a job anymore and his ass got evicted. Kate Gosselin’s plastic face just moved for the first time in months when she smiled and let out a high-pitched HAHA.
I guess shitting on the mother of his ten million kids to the tabloids doesn’t pay as much as it used to, because UsWeekly’s source says that he fell behind on rent and was kicked out of his place. Jon also broke up with the crazy trick he was on Couples Therapy with. Jon worked in IT before reality TV destroyed his life, but he says he can’t find a job in that field anymore. The source says that bad financial decisions (cut to the giant pile of Ed Hardy shit in his closet) are to blame for why he’s broke. A different source tells E! that he still doesn’t pay child support, but he sees his kids. Jon moved into a new place, but it’s way too small to fit his mountain of children.
“The saddest part of it is he now has nowhere to take the kids. He’s not allowed at the house, so he was taking them to his old apartment. But the new one is too small for eight children. It’s heartbreaking. Jon has asked friends for help, but no one wants to lend him money because they don’t see how he’d be able to pay it back.”
But you know, if you ask me, going from partying on the S.S. Douche with a French piece of fried salmon jerky to living in a studio apartment in rural Pennsylvania is an upgrade. If he needs a place to fit all of his kids, he can rent one of those U-Pack PODS for cheap.
Why do I have a feeling that the year 2007 is about to regurgitate on our eyes? TLC is only giving Kate “specials” and she’s hard-up for a full show. Jon is hard-up for cash. So I expect them to join together again to star in a reality show about two crazy divorced bitches living under one roof. Jon will once again have enough money to wine and dine his skanks and Kate will have another child to terrorize.
And if the tortured and mangled possum that used to live on Kate’s head comes back, it’ll really be like old times!
And of course, I meant the opposite of all that…
Yes, yes, Jon Gosselin hates Kate Gosselin as much as Kate Gosselin hates the off switch on a camera. We all know that Kate Gosselin is the baked-on, permanent skid mark on Jon’s favorite pair Ed Hardy Underoos, but in case you didn’t already know that, he makes it perfectly clear on tonight’s episode of Couples Therapy. The clip below starts out with Jon talking about how he has written his memoirs (which is probably one page that says “Dedicated to my soulmate Christian Audigier” followed by 280 pages of nothing but “DIE KATE DIE KATE” written over and over), but her lawyers are trying to muzzle him and she’s suing him for millions (she later dropped that lawsuit). Then about 2 minutes into the clip, Jon gets off the phone with Kate and goes off while his girlfriend, who always looks like a strung out, gas tank-huffing drifter, calls Kate a bitch. Jon says that Kate only wants to be on TV and he says this while on TV. I’ve put a piece of Jon’s rant in poetry form, because it truly is a touching piece of romantic art:
She can go
There’s your honest depiction
So fuck it. Piece of fucking shit.
What a shitty
Oh, those two. The spark is still there, I see! They should really get a room already and not so they can hate fuck, but so they can eat each other alive, which now that I think about it, is probably their idea of “hate fucking.”