And of course, I meant the opposite of all that…
Yes, yes, Jon Gosselin hates Kate Gosselin as much as Kate Gosselin hates the off switch on a camera. We all know that Kate Gosselin is the baked-on, permanent skid mark on Jon’s favorite pair Ed Hardy Underoos, but in case you didn’t already know that, he makes it perfectly clear on tonight’s episode of Couples Therapy. The clip below starts out with Jon talking about how he has written his memoirs (which is probably one page that says “Dedicated to my soulmate Christian Audigier” followed by 280 pages of nothing but “DIE KATE DIE KATE” written over and over), but her lawyers are trying to muzzle him and she’s suing him for millions (she later dropped that lawsuit). Then about 2 minutes into the clip, Jon gets off the phone with Kate and goes off while his girlfriend, who always looks like a strung out, gas tank-huffing drifter, calls Kate a bitch. Jon says that Kate only wants to be on TV and he says this while on TV. I’ve put a piece of Jon’s rant in poetry form, because it truly is a touching piece of romantic art:
She can go
There’s your honest depiction
So fuck it. Piece of fucking shit.
What a shitty
Oh, those two. The spark is still there, I see! They should really get a room already and not so they can hate fuck, but so they can eat each other alive, which now that I think about it, is probably their idea of “hate fucking.”
Bad news for the zero of you dirty whores who really wanted to spread your chocha for Ed Hardy’s failed wingman Jon Gosselin and let him fuck a baby into you so you can spend the next 18 years chasing him through the woods for a child support check, it’s not going to happen. But good news for all of us, Jon Gosselin is done spawning! While whoring out that Couples Therapy show on Wendy Williams (via People), Jon let it be known that he and his girlfriend Liz Jannetta will never have kids together, because they both turned off their baby making parts. As family court judges threw their legs up in the air and squirted out streams of YES, Jon kept it blunt and simple:
“We can’t have more kids. Yeah, I’m fixed and Liz is fixed.”
Yeah, I know we should all be celebrating in the streets over this news, but I’m pretty sure Jon Gosselin got “fixed” a long ass time ago. When Kate Gosselin sunk her viper teeth into his nutsack and pulled that shit out by the root, she probably Vasectomy’d his ass in the process.
Of course, I really mean the opposite of that headline. And that picture, Eve and Holly Hunter must’ve really fallen hard if they’re hanging around with that asshole.
So, for reasons I’ll never understand, Jon Gosselin was allowed to leave the woods and he’ll be smearing your TV screens with his douche nectar once again in Vh1′s Couples Therapy. To promote that wet turd of a reality show, Jon talked to Philadelphia Magazine (via HuffPo) and of course he used his time with them to spit poetic words of hate about his ex-wife, the leader of his child army and overall insufferable bitch Kate Gosselin. Jon called Kate out for being an asshole piece of trash fame whore who wants to be on TV, and it’s amazing that he didn’t overdose on irony and hypocriticalness since he said this while being an asshole piece of trash fame whore who is promoting some shitty TV show he’s on. Jon shat this pile of butt nuggets up:
“Everyone thinks I’m out to get Kate. I don’t give a fuck! What would I get out of it? Everyone knows she’s an asshole, you know what I mean? I don’t have to — she’s proven that! Kate wants to still be on television. She’s now digging into the past, because that’s what sells. Too late, honey. No one gives a fuck, really.
She tweets everything. To the world, all about my children. I think it’s disgusting and awful. They can’t even have a normal life.”
It’s kind of sad that these two didn’t work out. They belong together. He’s a dried up period berry clinging to a used tampon at the bottom of a dirty, plastic trash can in the bathroom of a roadside motel and so she is. I bet that sometimes when Kate drops all thirty million of those kids off at Jon’s cabin for the day, he and she go off into the woods somewhere and hate fuck like old times. Now the police know why they sometimes get calls from people who hear what they think is a grizzly bear attacking a screeching possum.
Let’s do some math. What do you get when you add one dumb motherfucker to another dumb motherfucker? In the case of Jon and Kate Gosselin, the answer is eight kids who will need therapy thanks to their parents’ collective assholery.
Jon stopped waiting tables and playing target practice with paps at his cabin in the woods long enough to appear on Oprah’s “Where Are They Now”, and USWeekly says he spoke about the effects that being on TV had on his kids.
“I saw my kids not growing up normally, like I grew up, and having community,” he confessed. “Yes, they got to travel the world, and yes, they got these fabulous things, and yes, they have trust funds, and they’re taken care of educationally. Great,” he continued. “But developmentally, they have problems with their peers, and they have problems with talking to other people, and they have problems with wants and needs and manners and morals and what’s right and what’s wrong. I think more so than someone who grows up off TV.”
I can’t with this assbasket. Of course it was entirely the show’s fault! There aren’t multiple documented examples of Kate being a shrewd, heartless bitch or Jon riding the douche train to the Ed Hardy platform of Sit the Fuck Down Station. Nobody should be surprised the kids don’t know how to appropriately communicate- look at what happens when they try. They could have been raised by a pack of dingoes in the Australian Outback and had a better shot at being developmentally well-adjusted.
I hope those kids grow up to embrace this motto:
(Pic via Wenn.com)
Because pictures of fallen douche king Jon Gosselin are worth so much money (and by “so much money” I mean an opened bottle of Axe and a gently used Ed Hardy butt plug), a paparazzo followed him from the restaurant where he waits tables to his cabin in the woods in Pennsylvania yesterday. TMZ says that the pap waited for him to leave his job and followed him as he drove on the main roads to his cabin. When Jon turned onto a dirt road, the pap kept following him, because she thought that dirt road was public. It’s not. Following a Gosselin down a dirt road in the middle of the woods sounds like the start of the most terrifying, gory and disgusting horror movie ever. Who knows what you’ll find at the end. You could find a hungry child army screaming at you to make them all Easy Mac or worse, you could find a clothesline with all of Jon’s old Ed Hardy t-shirts hanging on it.
The pap wanted to get shots of Jon’s cabin, because she figured Architectural Digest could publish them in their very special “Homes of A-list Celebrities” issue. Jon wasn’t having any of it. As soon as the pap started taking pictures, he pulled out a gun and told her to get off of his private property. Maybe it’s just me, but I was taught that if you’re on somebody’s private property, and they threaten to shoot you, and you don’t have your Wonder Woman cuffs off, you should probably get your ass the fuck out of there. The pap got the hint when Jon fired a warning shot into the air and she drove off.
She planned to file a police report, but the cops let her know that if she did, they’d have to charge her with criminal trespassing since she was on private property without permission. She put her tail between her legs, lowered her eyelids and asked, “Err, um, well can you just put it in your files that he fired a warning shot into the air then?” They agreed and that was that. And as for what happened to that bullet…
The bullet that Jon fired into the air hit the wing of a bird flying overhead. That bird lost control, careened toward the ground and crashed straight into Kate Gosselin’s Botoxed face just as she was about to call Jon and scream at him for the tenth time of the day. Jon should probably give that bird a comped meal.
Four years ago, Jon Gosselin was living the douche life by partying with skanks on Christian Audigier’s yacht and wearing the finest clothes that Ed Hardy had to offer. Well now, Jon Gosselin can’t even get an invitation to party on Spencer Pratt’s dinghy boat and he can barely afford to buy The Situation’s old Ed Hardy shirts at The Salvation Army. Jon is still living in a cabin in the woods and is waiting tables to pay his bills.
The National Enquirer published a story last week about how Jon has hit “rock bottom” because he’s waiting tables at a restaurant in Beckersville, PA and living in the woods. Entertainment Tonight caught up with Jon and asked him if he’s struggling to pay his bills and he said:
“No, I don’t know why people said that. They said it because I’m waiting tables, which is really disgusting. To think that because you wait tables, or because you have different things, or because you don’t have an 8 to 5 job, that you’re making ends meet.”
Jon said that he’s hit rock bottom at least 20 times but he keeps bouncing back up. The server job is the only job he could get, because nobody wants to hire his ass.
Okay, who in the hell is saying that Jon hit rock bottom because he’s waiting tables and living in a cabin in the woods? Let’s see, Jon is working a job and when he goes to his peaceful cabin in the woods, he gets to snuggle with a deer (???) instead of hearing his child army screech as Kate Gosselin gnaws on the raw area where his nuts used to be. Jon’s current day life is the opposite of rock bottom.
And here’s ET’s story on this highly important shit:
I love how Entertainment Tonight threw up the words “NO INTERNET! NO TV!” like it’s a really big deal that Jon doesn’t have Internet or television in his cabin. I’m not being sarcastic. They’re right, because having no Internet and no TV is worse than having no running water. I mean, I can’t watch an episode of Beverly Hills Teens when I turn on the faucet!
A picture of Kate Gosselin doing an impersonation of Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s mysteriously sprouted up on Twitter yesterday like an unannounced herp sore and not much was known about the picture. Some defended Kate and said that she’s not a racist and others said that Kate was being as racist as the charming gentlemen who wrote my Asian friend on Match.com and said that he’d fuck her sideways-pussy straight. (She went on to marry that charming gentlemen. No, she didn’t.)
Kate went on her website (via Radar) today to explain that picture. Back when Kate was still married to Jon Gosselin and their mailbox was filled with fan mail instead of notices from CPS and invitations from the Illuminati, a fan sent them a plastic sumo toy wig. I guess Kate and her family always joked about how she was the only non-Asian on the show, so the fan sent her an Asian starter kit. Kate writes that she completed her “Asian” look by slanting her eyes. Kate says that the picture was snatched from her computer and she’s obviously not a racist. She has a black friend! She has 8 biracial kids!
Clarification on my personal photo that was stored on our “home computer,” that recently surfaced and was released to the public, without my permission:
This was a happy memory of mine. It was a happy time for me and Jon, smiling and “goofing off” together. Jon and I were opening fan mail together one afternoon — which often filled the garage of our Elizabethtown home — and when we opened this plastic Asian dress up wig sent from a caring fan, we smiled, each taking turns posing in it and snapping photos (on my phone) of each other. Naturally, I “slanted” my eyes to show him my best Asian impression, which made him smile.
Evidently, a fan sent it for me to wear so that I too could “be Asian” like the rest of my family. At that time, a common topic of our show was “everybody’s Asian” — except for mommy, so a thoughtful fan figured she’d help me look Asian too! It’s normal to talk about and even “exaggerate” the feature differences between family members of a biracial family as they are noticed by curious growing children within the family. These types of discoveries and at home discussions are a normal part of being a loving accepting biracial family and it does not make any of us prejudice!
I married an Asian. I have eight biracial children therefore I’m quite certain that I’m the last person that could be called a racist. I learned to cook Korean foods from Jon’s mom and grandmother. I couldn’t be more proud of my eight beautiful children and wouldn’t change anything about them or their heritage. They are absolutely perfect just the way they are.
So update your records and scratch out the words “noted racist” from “noted racist and noted cunt” on Kate’s file.
Kate went on to say (no, she didn’t) that she still wears that wig and slants her eyes to remind her 8 biracial children what their dad looks like since he’s off the grid and living up in a tree in the woods somewhere. I bet Jon’s tree roommate is Kate’s old possum hair. Full circle, full circle….
Don Ed Hardy, the tattoo artist whose work inspired the official clothing line for douchebags Ed Hardy, tells The New York Post that he cried tears of sadness over the Ed Hardy brand drowning in a pool of dirty douche water and he blames it on Jon Gosselin. Ed Hardy also puts blame on Christian Audigier who was the head of Von Dutch (enough said) and licensed Ed Hardy’s art for t-shirts and butt plugs. Ed Hardy says that Christian was a major star fucker with zero standards and would throw an Ed Hardy t-shirt on any fame whore. Ed Hardy said that the final studded nail in the coffin was a picture of Jon partying in an Ed Hardy shirt on Christian’s yacht in Cannes.
“That Jon Gosselin thing was the nail in the coffin. That’s what tanked it. Macy’s used to have a huge window display with Ed Hardy, and it filtered down and that’s why Macy’s dropped the brand.
Christian worships celebrities so much, he will get next to anyone who is famous for anything. If he could have gotten Charles Manson in a shirt, he would have.”
The Gosselins should be blamed for EVERYTHING (examples: inspiring OctoMom, torturing possums, etc…), but Jon Gosselin isn’t the reason why Ed Hardy is now lying in a shallow grave in the clearance section at Ross. Ed Hardy died when even doucheholes realized that they didn’t have to spend $100 on an Ed Hardy t-shirt. They figured out that they could get the same effect by writing the word DOUCHE in diarrhea on an old Hanes t-shirt.
Ed Hardy isn’t completely dead, though. A few years ago, MTV took 8 cum-stained Ed Hardy t-shirts, poured diseased Jacuzzi water on them and out came the cast of Jersey Shore! So Ed Hardy lives on! And Ed Hardy is also alive and well in L.A., because not a week goes by when I don’t see a chick in an Ed Hardy dress and platform flip-flops at the car wash. She’s the one asking if they have mojito-scented air freshener.