The last time I wrote about Jon Gosselin’s living and job situation, he was working as a waiter and living in a cabin in the woods. Jon was fired from his waiter job last May because he didn’t show up to a lot of his shifts and he was always late. Jon later got a job at a credit card company and moved out of his cabin in the woods and into an apartment. But now UsWeekly is saying that he might soon be living in a tent made out of Ed Hardy t-shirts, because he doesn’t have a job anymore and his ass got evicted. Kate Gosselin’s plastic face just moved for the first time in months when she smiled and let out a high-pitched HAHA.
I guess shitting on the mother of his ten million kids to the tabloids doesn’t pay as much as it used to, because UsWeekly’s source says that he fell behind on rent and was kicked out of his place. Jon also broke up with the crazy trick he was on Couples Therapy with. Jon worked in IT before reality TV destroyed his life, but he says he can’t find a job in that field anymore. The source says that bad financial decisions (cut to the giant pile of Ed Hardy shit in his closet) are to blame for why he’s broke. A different source tells E! that he still doesn’t pay child support, but he sees his kids. Jon moved into a new place, but it’s way too small to fit his mountain of children.
“The saddest part of it is he now has nowhere to take the kids. He’s not allowed at the house, so he was taking them to his old apartment. But the new one is too small for eight children. It’s heartbreaking. Jon has asked friends for help, but no one wants to lend him money because they don’t see how he’d be able to pay it back.”
But you know, if you ask me, going from partying on the S.S. Douche with a French piece of fried salmon jerky to living in a studio apartment in rural Pennsylvania is an upgrade. If he needs a place to fit all of his kids, he can rent one of those U-Pack PODS for cheap.
Why do I have a feeling that the year 2007 is about to regurgitate on our eyes? TLC is only giving Kate “specials” and she’s hard-up for a full show. Jon is hard-up for cash. So I expect them to join together again to star in a reality show about two crazy divorced bitches living under one roof. Jon will once again have enough money to wine and dine his skanks and Kate will have another child to terrorize.
And if the tortured and mangled possum that used to live on Kate’s head comes back, it’ll really be like old times!
And of course, I meant the opposite of all that…
Yes, yes, Jon Gosselin hates Kate Gosselin as much as Kate Gosselin hates the off switch on a camera. We all know that Kate Gosselin is the baked-on, permanent skid mark on Jon’s favorite pair Ed Hardy Underoos, but in case you didn’t already know that, he makes it perfectly clear on tonight’s episode of Couples Therapy. The clip below starts out with Jon talking about how he has written his memoirs (which is probably one page that says “Dedicated to my soulmate Christian Audigier” followed by 280 pages of nothing but “DIE KATE DIE KATE” written over and over), but her lawyers are trying to muzzle him and she’s suing him for millions (she later dropped that lawsuit). Then about 2 minutes into the clip, Jon gets off the phone with Kate and goes off while his girlfriend, who always looks like a strung out, gas tank-huffing drifter, calls Kate a bitch. Jon says that Kate only wants to be on TV and he says this while on TV. I’ve put a piece of Jon’s rant in poetry form, because it truly is a touching piece of romantic art:
She can go
There’s your honest depiction
So fuck it. Piece of fucking shit.
What a shitty
Oh, those two. The spark is still there, I see! They should really get a room already and not so they can hate fuck, but so they can eat each other alive, which now that I think about it, is probably their idea of “hate fucking.”
Bad news for the zero of you dirty whores who really wanted to spread your chocha for Ed Hardy’s failed wingman Jon Gosselin and let him fuck a baby into you so you can spend the next 18 years chasing him through the woods for a child support check, it’s not going to happen. But good news for all of us, Jon Gosselin is done spawning! While whoring out that Couples Therapy show on Wendy Williams (via People), Jon let it be known that he and his girlfriend Liz Jannetta will never have kids together, because they both turned off their baby making parts. As family court judges threw their legs up in the air and squirted out streams of YES, Jon kept it blunt and simple:
“We can’t have more kids. Yeah, I’m fixed and Liz is fixed.”
Yeah, I know we should all be celebrating in the streets over this news, but I’m pretty sure Jon Gosselin got “fixed” a long ass time ago. When Kate Gosselin sunk her viper teeth into his nutsack and pulled that shit out by the root, she probably Vasectomy’d his ass in the process.
Of course, I really mean the opposite of that headline. And that picture, Eve and Holly Hunter must’ve really fallen hard if they’re hanging around with that asshole.
So, for reasons I’ll never understand, Jon Gosselin was allowed to leave the woods and he’ll be smearing your TV screens with his douche nectar once again in Vh1’s Couples Therapy. To promote that wet turd of a reality show, Jon talked to Philadelphia Magazine (via HuffPo) and of course he used his time with them to spit poetic words of hate about his ex-wife, the leader of his child army and overall insufferable bitch Kate Gosselin. Jon called Kate out for being an asshole piece of trash fame whore who wants to be on TV, and it’s amazing that he didn’t overdose on irony and hypocriticalness since he said this while being an asshole piece of trash fame whore who is promoting some shitty TV show he’s on. Jon shat this pile of butt nuggets up:
“Everyone thinks I’m out to get Kate. I don’t give a fuck! What would I get out of it? Everyone knows she’s an asshole, you know what I mean? I don’t have to — she’s proven that! Kate wants to still be on television. She’s now digging into the past, because that’s what sells. Too late, honey. No one gives a fuck, really.
She tweets everything. To the world, all about my children. I think it’s disgusting and awful. They can’t even have a normal life.”
It’s kind of sad that these two didn’t work out. They belong together. He’s a dried up period berry clinging to a used tampon at the bottom of a dirty, plastic trash can in the bathroom of a roadside motel and so she is. I bet that sometimes when Kate drops all thirty million of those kids off at Jon’s cabin for the day, he and she go off into the woods somewhere and hate fuck like old times. Now the police know why they sometimes get calls from people who hear what they think is a grizzly bear attacking a screeching possum.
Let’s do some math. What do you get when you add one dumb motherfucker to another dumb motherfucker? In the case of Jon and Kate Gosselin, the answer is eight kids who will need therapy thanks to their parents’ collective assholery.
Jon stopped waiting tables and playing target practice with paps at his cabin in the woods long enough to appear on Oprah’s “Where Are They Now”, and USWeekly says he spoke about the effects that being on TV had on his kids.
“I saw my kids not growing up normally, like I grew up, and having community,” he confessed. “Yes, they got to travel the world, and yes, they got these fabulous things, and yes, they have trust funds, and they’re taken care of educationally. Great,” he continued. “But developmentally, they have problems with their peers, and they have problems with talking to other people, and they have problems with wants and needs and manners and morals and what’s right and what’s wrong. I think more so than someone who grows up off TV.”
I can’t with this assbasket. Of course it was entirely the show’s fault! There aren’t multiple documented examples of Kate being a shrewd, heartless bitch or Jon riding the douche train to the Ed Hardy platform of Sit the Fuck Down Station. Nobody should be surprised the kids don’t know how to appropriately communicate- look at what happens when they try. They could have been raised by a pack of dingoes in the Australian Outback and had a better shot at being developmentally well-adjusted.
I hope those kids grow up to embrace this motto:
(Pic via Wenn.com)
Because pictures of fallen douche king Jon Gosselin are worth so much money (and by “so much money” I mean an opened bottle of Axe and a gently used Ed Hardy butt plug), a paparazzo followed him from the restaurant where he waits tables to his cabin in the woods in Pennsylvania yesterday. TMZ says that the pap waited for him to leave his job and followed him as he drove on the main roads to his cabin. When Jon turned onto a dirt road, the pap kept following him, because she thought that dirt road was public. It’s not. Following a Gosselin down a dirt road in the middle of the woods sounds like the start of the most terrifying, gory and disgusting horror movie ever. Who knows what you’ll find at the end. You could find a hungry child army screaming at you to make them all Easy Mac or worse, you could find a clothesline with all of Jon’s old Ed Hardy t-shirts hanging on it.
The pap wanted to get shots of Jon’s cabin, because she figured Architectural Digest could publish them in their very special “Homes of A-list Celebrities” issue. Jon wasn’t having any of it. As soon as the pap started taking pictures, he pulled out a gun and told her to get off of his private property. Maybe it’s just me, but I was taught that if you’re on somebody’s private property, and they threaten to shoot you, and you don’t have your Wonder Woman cuffs off, you should probably get your ass the fuck out of there. The pap got the hint when Jon fired a warning shot into the air and she drove off.
She planned to file a police report, but the cops let her know that if she did, they’d have to charge her with criminal trespassing since she was on private property without permission. She put her tail between her legs, lowered her eyelids and asked, “Err, um, well can you just put it in your files that he fired a warning shot into the air then?” They agreed and that was that. And as for what happened to that bullet…
The bullet that Jon fired into the air hit the wing of a bird flying overhead. That bird lost control, careened toward the ground and crashed straight into Kate Gosselin’s Botoxed face just as she was about to call Jon and scream at him for the tenth time of the day. Jon should probably give that bird a comped meal.