The last time I farted something up about Johnny Weir and his on-and-off-and-on-and-off-again husband Victor Voronov, they were on again and then off again. Since then, they’ve continued to be on and off and continued to make the winter wonderland swans squirt out dull rhinestone tears of disappointment by being absolute messy, violent, trashy wrecks. Well, the winter wonderland swans are still crying, because over the weekend Johnny Weir allegedly attacked Victor again.
TMZ says that on Saturday night at their home in New Jersey, The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice got one scratch closer to becoming The Crystal Enchantress of the Cell Block when he allegedly scratched and slapped Victor after reading some shit he didn’t like on Victor’s cellphone. Victor went to the police the next day to report that mess and showed them pictures of the scratches. Victor only wanted to report the attack and wasn’t interested in keeping Johnny away with an emergency restraining order. A source (Hi, Victor!) tells TMZ that Johnny went through Victor’s phone and found some test messages where Victor talked shit about him. Victor claims he wrote the texts months ago and wrote them while they were going through a messy break-up.
Victor ran his ass over to Inside Edition and after he collected a cashiers check from them, he spilled his side of Saturday night’s scratch down.
“I was terrified. He was red. I said, if you don’t leave me alone, I will call the police. He would not leave me alone. So I had my phone; I was trying to call the police. So he attacked me to get the phone out of my hand.”
Here’s one of the scratches that Johnny allegedly gave Victor (Side question: Is that shaped like a broken heart or like a dead moth?):
These two messes have a history of Ike Turner-ing each other. Johnny Weir had to go to court in March for biting Victor during a fight and Johnny claimed in an interview with Access Hollywood that Victor has punched him several times.
We all know how this is going to go. They’re going to make up, renew their vows, get into another fight about some dumb shit, scratch at each other, file another police report, cry about it on Inside Edition and so and so and so on. They should both permanently have a seat in separate corners, because you know shit is past the point of no return when you make the Knowles-Carters look functional by comparison.
And in happy gay news, we can all get married in Oregon now! Let’s grow beards and toast to that with an artisanal beer!
The Crystal Enchantress Of The Ice And His Husband Are Back Together Again After Signing A Ridiculous Post-Nup (UPDATE)
After weeks of scratching, biting and spitting at each other in the media and using their dog as a fluffy, adorable shank to stab each other in the throat with, Johnny Weir and his husband of 3 years Victor Voronov have stopped throwing Faberge eggs at each other and are back together again. To quote The Crystal Enchantress’ hair stylist when he told them he wanted green My Little Pony tails for bangs: “This is not going to be pretty.”
The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice made the sparkles on rhinestones dim and snow leopards cry out snowflakes when he announced last month that he and Victor broke up. During the days after their divorce announcement, they publicly delivered the gayest episode of Dynasty ever which is saying a lot since every episode of Dynasty is the gayest episode of Dynasty ever. They screamed, they cried and they brought the gay drama in thick, heavy doses. But they’re done with that for now and they’re back to rubbing nipples on top of Johnny’s grey mink comforter. Over the weekend, Johnny and Victor decided to give their marriage another try, which is a really good idea considering that Johnny once bit Victor and accused Victor of hitting him repeatedly. Johnny and Victor’s marriage was messy, their break up was messy and so of course their reconcilation is going to be messy. TMZ got a hold of (read: Victor gave it to them) a list of rules that they each had to sign. Victor made Johnny promise that he’d apologize for trashing his ass in the media and wants Johnny’s mom to keep her nose out of their marriage. Johnny made Victor sign his own list of rules and most of it has to do with peen passing. Scientology has less rules than Johnny and Victor’s relationship.
– No wet humping on others
– No sucking other dicks
– No kissing or making out or putting tongue on others
– No sexting others
– No jacking off with others
– No flirting hard with others
– No Grindr and no flirting on social media
– No talking with an ex unless the other one approves it first
They also promised to get tested for STDs every 6 months and the results have to be read when both of them are in the room.
If a jaded and bitter friend who doesn’t believe in long-lasting love asks you to show them a relationship that is built on trust and honesty, just show them this post, because Johnny and Victor are the epitome of trust. The hell kind of contract is that?! If you have to make your husband sign a contract stating that he’s not going to suck other dicks, there’s a good chance that when he sucks on another dick he’s not going to give a fuck about that contract while he’s doing it. Dreadful is the image of Johnny Weir dirtying up his Chanel leather pants when he gets on his knees to sniff Victor’s dick for cheating juices. How many Birkins need to be brutally murdered before Johnny realizes this shit is probably not a good idea? How many Birkins, Johnny? How many Birkins?
UPDATE: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand these messes are broken up again. The Birkins are saved and they can suck the dicks of others once again.
You really don’t know the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice and totally thought wrong if you figured his divorce from his first husband Victor Voronov would end with them wishing each other well and shaking hands like mature, sane adults. Nope, it’s going to end with glitter-infused tears, screams, more bite marks and possibly the brutal death of another Birkin bag. The divorce battle royale is going to messier than that biker angel goddess ensemble that Johnny’s wearing.
On the day that every swan’s heart broke, Victor tweeted that he barely found out that Johnny filed for divorce in February and that he was totally blind-sided by it. Victor must’ve shaken off the shock real quick, because he hired a “legal crisis manager.” Bitch thinks he’s on Scandal! Calling Olivia Pope! Johnny has turned up the messiness all the way by turning his divorce into a non-stop press party for himself. All week long, Access Hollywood has been airing an EXCLUSIVO tell-all interview that Johnny gave to the factory-defected, empty-headed Alfred E. Neuman doll named Billy Bush. Johnny dramatically told Billy that he’s had the sads in his little sequins-covered dove heart for a while about his marriage problems. Johnny says that they fought a lot about money, because Victor quit his law career to travel with him and he was supporting the both of them. Victor supposedly was controlling and pushed most of Johnny’s friends and even his own mother away. Victor’s legal crisis manager (I still CAN’T with that shit) tells Access Hollywood that he quit his law career, because Johnny wanted him to be a stay-at-home husband and travel with him.
“The night in question, my husband was very drunk and was yelling at me about my relationship with my mother and my mother was assisting me in cleaning up some financial messiness that had happened and he was uncomfortable with that and had voiced it very clearly. So, we had a fight and then I went to sleep because I had to work the next day and he came in – very not himself – and asked me to lay with him in the biblical sense, and when I refused, the altercation between us started. I was defending myself and it’s unfortunate that there was a mark left on his body because as soon the police came to our home the first thing he did was show this mark, so I knew then he didn’t really care that much and all he is out to do is hurt me.”
I watched this part of the interview on Access Hollywood, and I am so mad they didn’t shoot it in black and white. Johnny should’ve worn a fox stole and a black fishnet veil over his face, and took graceful drags from a long cigarette as he detailed the dramatic events of that night. It sucks that science and/or witchcraft hasn’t found a way to really bring back the dead, because I’d love to see Joan Crawford turn that monologue out. I’d also love it if they played that Access Hollywood interview during Sunday mass at every Evangelical church. I want to see heads slowly pop off of necks as Johnny says, “…lay with him in the biblical sense.”
Johnny also said that Victor hit him repeatedly in front of friends before and he never went to the police.
Victor was also offered money for a tell-all interview of his own and he supposedly told Johnny’s lawyer that he will turn it down if his estranged husband pays his lawyers fee and gives him spousal support. The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice shooed away his offer and asked the judge to make Victor pay his own lawyer fees.
As for that Birkin bag massacre, TMZ says that on September 29, 2013, Johnny wrote Victor an email apologizing for a fight they had but also slapped at his husband’s wrist for brutally murdering one of his Hermès purses (yes, in this situation, Hermès is pronounced “HER MESS.”)
Johnny writes, “If you decide to wreck things, please wreck cheaper things than Birkins.” He goes on …”The fuck you on the Birkin is kinda cool, though, you artist. I know you don’t care about how I’ll survive if you divorce me, but please leave my Birkin bags, Celine bags and Chanel bags alone.”
What’s really surprising is that Victor’s heart still beats in his chest and his lungs still work, because when you mess with Johnny Weir’s Birkin, you mess with his emotions. And when you mess with his emotions, you’ll get a Louboutin heel to the throat. Hell hath no fury like a bitchy brand whore scorned.
Let us all pull out our pink satin handkerchiefs and wipe the tears that trickle down our cheeks as Johnny Weir put on his rhinestone-encrusted divorcin’ catsuit and solemnly skates a goodbye ice waltz to the husband he bit during a messy fight last January. The swans are sorrowfully howling into the air today (or maybe that sound is my tone deaf neighbor once again loudly singing that annoying Frozen song) and every rhinestone has temporarily lost its sparkle, because the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice has filed for divorce from his husband Victor Voronov. It is a sad and tragic day when the love between a biting icicle and a Russian goes numb and dies like my b-hole whenever I see Johnny Weir in coochie cutters. The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice tweeted this tweet of sadness right before he adjusted his crotch jewels to make sure they sit up real nice in the Chanel leggings he’s going to wear to catch him husband #2.
It is with great sadness that I announce that my husband and I are no longer together. My heart hurts, and I wish him well.
Johnny told Access Hollywood that he’s had the sads for a long time and realized that the only answer to their marriage woes is to get a great big gay divorce. Access Hollywood also says that Johnny and Victor don’t have a prenup. They got married on New Year’s Eve in 2011.
I don’t know Victor’s financial situation and I don’t know if he’s going to try get his hands on any of Johnny’s, but if he is, then he better put on a suit of armor, hold on tight to a crucifix and have an ambulance on standby. Because if Johnny bites during a fight, imagine what that bitch will do when Victor tries to snatch away his precious pink-dyed panda fur coat, his yellow CZ tiara headband and his ostrich feather shrug. We’re all shivering at the thought.
A month before Johnny Weir made the Sochi Olympics even gayer by bedazzling it with the rhinestones he farts out, he went for the gold medal in the sport of biting a bitch during a lovers quarrel with his husband Victor Voronov. Biting?! Biting?! How trashy! Oh, Johnny, a truly regal swan doesn’t mess up his lip gloss by biting. He dramatically pulls off his white glove finger by finger and gracefully slaps that trick in the face back and forth.
Radar says that sometime in January, the icicle beauty, whose life was the inspiration for the biopic Frozen, got into a fight with Victor at their home in New Jersey. Since Johnny Weir’s previous form was a bitchy white teacup Pom Pom with glitter gel toenails and pink diamante barrettes in his fur, he bit Victor. Victor quickly learned that when you’re bitten by a Crystal Enchantress Vampire, your body responds by oozing white glitter out of its pores and the transformation is complete when you buy your first rabbit fur coat previously owned by a rich old lady at an estate sale and when your b-hole squirts out a single drop of hummingbird juice at the sight of a gold lambskin Chanel bag.
Right after the fight, Victor filed a police report. Johnny Weir sashayed into a court room in Lyndhurst, New Jersey yesterday to answer to the domestic abuse charges. The two must’ve kissed and made up since the fight, because Victor was with Johnny and asked the judge to dismiss the case. The judge did dismiss the case and probably because he was hypnotized by Johnny’s beauty and glamour. The judge actually complimented his mane:
When Weir approached the bench in an unusually subdued black ensemble, the judge took note of Weir’s impeccable style and apparent celebrity status, remarking: “Nice hairdo!”
Without stating any specifics about the case and charges, the judge asked if the “victim” was present and ordered Voronov to approach the bench.
Voronov asked the judge to dismiss the case – and the dismissal was granted.
Radar tried to talk to Johnny outside of the court house, but he refused to.
Johnny should be embarrassed. Johnny carries himself like a refined and genteel Upper East Side Russian widow who kills her enemies with a subtle side-eye and spits in their tea before she serves it to them, but yet he gets into some domestic abuse shit like a common piece of down river trash! How dreadful. Johnny should’ve suggested that they solve their differences by competing in a twirl-off, because: a) he’d win after the first twirl and; b) he’d deliver a new kind of graceful while doing so.
The only reason the sun shines in Sochi is to make the sequins on Johnny Weir’s body sparkle. Loki’s half-brother who calls Pee-wee Herman his father continued to show us what Judy Garland would’ve dressed like if she was still alive today.
At the Olympics today, the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice showed up looking like a disco ball’s tampon. Samson & Delilah, Romeo & Juliet, Cynthia Nixon & Rojo Caliente, Kanye & Kanye, John Travolta’s Scientolohole & massage therapist dick and cookie spread & my mouth are just some of the soulmates in history that are meant to be together. You can add Johnny Weir & sequins to that list.
And this classic moment is obligatory: