Adam Rippon may have become the star of the 2018 Winter Olympics and been named HSOTD for the little “hold me daddy” harness he wore to the Oscars, but if he thinks he can come for Johnny Weir, the one and only Ice Queen that counts (no Elsa, take a seat dear. This competition is not for you until you come out), he’s got another thing coming.
When Adam appeared on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen and insinuated that Johnny is jealous of his boogie, Johnny #tooktotwitter and opened up an entire can of… mature response and genuine encouragement? Damn, son! Shit just got Weir-ed!
What the 2018 Winter Olympics was really missing (besides Steve Langton pulling a Pita Taufatofua by showing up topless, oiled-up and ready to go at the closing ceremonies) was 28-year-old Adam Rippon and 33-year-old Johnny Weir skating hand-in-hand onto the ice in matching sequined catsuits and twirling in unison to an acoustic, haunting version of Lindsay Lohan’s Rumors as a response to Page Six saying that Johnny is the Cristal Connors to Adam’s Nomi Malone. But Adam and Johnny never dropped a load of glittery shit onto that rumor, and that could be because there was some truth to it.
While watching dramatic ice-skating swan and proud Little Monster Johnny Weir showing Lady Gaga how Lady Gaga is really done on Lip Sync Battle, it might occur to you that THIS is what he’s wanted to do all along.
Never mind Olympic medals and judge’s scores. THIS is the moment for which Johnny Weir was hatched out of his Faberge egg! Lip-synching in drag! Johnny should leave judging those boring ice dancers to the lessers. He needs to take the stage at your local drag bar. He needs to become a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race and make those girls gag in unison over his fire. This isn’t just Gaga fish he’s giving us, it’s Gaga MERMAID.
With the success of I, Tonya, Tonya Harding has a rare opportunity to revamp her image and go from villain to underdog. While she may be making headway in Hollywood and with the American public, figure skating’s #1 glitter angel Johnny Weir says that Tonya will not to be getting any standing ovations from him. According to TMZ, Johnny hasn’t forgiven her for what happened to Nancy Kerrigan.
The last time I farted something up about Johnny Weir and his on-and-off-and-on-and-off-again husband Victor Voronov, they were on again and then off again. Since then, they’ve continued to be on and off and continued to make the winter wonderland swans squirt out dull rhinestone tears of disappointment by being absolute messy, violent, trashy wrecks. Well, the winter wonderland swans are still crying, because over the weekend Johnny Weir allegedly attacked Victor again.
TMZ says that on Saturday night at their home in New Jersey, The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice got one scratch closer to becoming The Crystal Enchantress of the Cell Block when he allegedly scratched and slapped Victor after reading some shit he didn’t like on Victor’s cellphone. Victor went to the police the next day to report that mess and showed them pictures of the scratches. Victor only wanted to report the attack and wasn’t interested in keeping Johnny away with an emergency restraining order. A source (Hi, Victor!) tells TMZ that Johnny went through Victor’s phone and found some test messages where Victor talked shit about him. Victor claims he wrote the texts months ago and wrote them while they were going through a messy break-up.
Victor ran his ass over to Inside Edition and after he collected a cashiers check from them, he spilled his side of Saturday night’s scratch down.
“I was terrified. He was red. I said, if you don’t leave me alone, I will call the police. He would not leave me alone. So I had my phone; I was trying to call the police. So he attacked me to get the phone out of my hand.”
Here’s one of the scratches that Johnny allegedly gave Victor (Side question: Is that shaped like a broken heart or like a dead moth?):
These two messes have a history of Ike Turner-ing each other. Johnny Weir had to go to court in March for biting Victor during a fight and Johnny claimed in an interview with Access Hollywood that Victor has punched him several times.
We all know how this is going to go. They’re going to make up, renew their vows, get into another fight about some dumb shit, scratch at each other, file another police report, cry about it on Inside Edition and so and so and so on. They should both permanently have a seat in separate corners, because you know shit is past the point of no return when you make the Knowles-Carters look functional by comparison.
And in happy gay news, we can all get married in Oregon now! Let’s grow beards and toast to that with an artisanal beer!
The Crystal Enchantress Of The Ice And His Husband Are Back Together Again After Signing A Ridiculous Post-Nup (UPDATE)
After weeks of scratching, biting and spitting at each other in the media and using their dog as a fluffy, adorable shank to stab each other in the throat with, Johnny Weir and his husband of 3 years Victor Voronov have stopped throwing Faberge eggs at each other and are back together again. To quote The Crystal Enchantress’ hair stylist when he told them he wanted green My Little Pony tails for bangs: “This is not going to be pretty.”
The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice made the sparkles on rhinestones dim and snow leopards cry out snowflakes when he announced last month that he and Victor broke up. During the days after their divorce announcement, they publicly delivered the gayest episode of Dynasty ever which is saying a lot since every episode of Dynasty is the gayest episode of Dynasty ever. They screamed, they cried and they brought the gay drama in thick, heavy doses. But they’re done with that for now and they’re back to rubbing nipples on top of Johnny’s grey mink comforter. Over the weekend, Johnny and Victor decided to give their marriage another try, which is a really good idea considering that Johnny once bit Victor and accused Victor of hitting him repeatedly. Johnny and Victor’s marriage was messy, their break up was messy and so of course their reconcilation is going to be messy. TMZ got a hold of (read: Victor gave it to them) a list of rules that they each had to sign. Victor made Johnny promise that he’d apologize for trashing his ass in the media and wants Johnny’s mom to keep her nose out of their marriage. Johnny made Victor sign his own list of rules and most of it has to do with peen passing. Scientology has less rules than Johnny and Victor’s relationship.
– No wet humping on others
– No sucking other dicks
– No kissing or making out or putting tongue on others
– No sexting others
– No jacking off with others
– No flirting hard with others
– No Grindr and no flirting on social media
– No talking with an ex unless the other one approves it first
They also promised to get tested for STDs every 6 months and the results have to be read when both of them are in the room.
If a jaded and bitter friend who doesn’t believe in long-lasting love asks you to show them a relationship that is built on trust and honesty, just show them this post, because Johnny and Victor are the epitome of trust. The hell kind of contract is that?! If you have to make your husband sign a contract stating that he’s not going to suck other dicks, there’s a good chance that when he sucks on another dick he’s not going to give a fuck about that contract while he’s doing it. Dreadful is the image of Johnny Weir dirtying up his Chanel leather pants when he gets on his knees to sniff Victor’s dick for cheating juices. How many Birkins need to be brutally murdered before Johnny realizes this shit is probably not a good idea? How many Birkins, Johnny? How many Birkins?
UPDATE: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand these messes are broken up again. The Birkins are saved and they can suck the dicks of others once again.