In what will come as a shock to maybe your grandma with glaucoma who hasn’t picked up a tabloid since the fall of the Berlin Wall and never saw Hairspray, it appears John Travolta isn’t always faithful to Kelly Preston and instead tried to squeeze up on a male massage therapist in Palm Springs back in 2000. Continue reading
I’m sure John Travolta and Tom Cruise are sitting in the gilded steam room today wondering how much time they have left in their Scientology palace where the TVs feature reruns of King Of Queens of Kevin James being dubbed to say “Suppressive witch!” each time Leah Remini appears. That’s because an unlikely person could have emerged to snatch the tax exempt status from the “church.” Continue reading
Show me a person who looks at that stunning work of art above and can honestly say that they hate the movie that made it possible, and I’ll show you a not-knowing trick whose opinion should never ever be trusted again! And one of those tricks is Olivia Newton-John.
Kelly Preston must have gotten sick of John Travolta getting all of the attention for the rayon Shih Tzu that has taken up permanent residency on his head, because last night, she caused hos to choke on massive clouds of beauty and pink bottle AquaNet hairspray when she hit the red carpet at the Emmys. All of Kelly Preston’s Thetans traveled up north and moved into the luxurious Bump It-created hair pavilion on top of her head.
Lainey at Lainey Gossip posted these pictures and she immediately saw Marie and Donny Osmond. I see it, but Kelly Preston wishes she had the wax figure complexion and exquisite marble doll eyes of Marie Osmond and John Travolta is way too butch to pass for Donny Osmond. But seriously, when I look at Kelly Preston I see the last runner-up in the Mrs. Kansas 1980 pageant and I also see a failed country singer from the 1960s whose most proud moment was the time a drunk dude mistook her for Loretta Lynn and asked for her an autograph.
Since Kelly also looks like a chorus member in a community theater production of Hairspray, I’m guessing that hair was John Travolta’s idea. It’s about time that John shows his beard some appreciation and uses his hairstyling talents to glamour her up. But I have a feeling that this is a Cinderella situation and Kelly will go back to having a homely dishrag on her head, because John won’t be able to stand not being the most glamorous one. But well at least for one night, Kelly could see her glammed-up self in the mirror and say, “I’m a pretty girl, mama.”
Side note: “Fancy crack den” is also one of the code words those gossips in the Scientology Centre bathhouse use for his b-hole.
Forget The National Enquirer’s exposé on Ted Cruz being a mega cheating slut who allegedly dipped his peen in at least 5 side pieces (I bet his O face looks like a Grandpa Munster claymation figurine trying to sneeze and cough at the same time)! The biggest and most escandaloso story of the day is how (WARNING: Super Glue your chair to the floor and hold on extra tight or you may knock over from the shock of it all) John Travolta will only let you massage his body if you’ve got a real dick attached to your crotch. I’ll wait here as you call a handyman from Angie’s List to fix your floor, because I’m sure that brand new shocking information caused you to rip your chair outta that bitch.
The premiere of American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson happened in Los Angeles yesterday, and you’d think that the night belonged to the guinea pig in distress on top of John Travolta’s head, but it didn’t. John Travolta is usually the belle of every ball, but bitch lost in the game of beauty last night as soon as Joey Lawrence strolled onto the red carpet looking like he’s been plucked to the stars and back. I bet as soon as Joey’s Chia Pet Mr. Clean-looking ass hit that red carpet, John Travolta pulled off his own wig, said, “For fuck’s sake,” and immediately went home to drown his sorrows on a massage therapist’s crotch.
One of my favorite adonises probably had every ho at last night’s premiere checking their eyebrow situation in a compact. They shouldn’t have even bothered, because when it comes to the sport of eyebrow pruning, Joey Lawrence is the Oksana Baiul and everyone else is Nancy Kerrigan throwing hate at him on the sidelines. Not only do Joey’s impeccable brows look like the pubic landing strips of the angels in heaven, but that spray on hair is a work of art.
No, Joey wasn’t at the American Crime Story premiere because he plays Kato Kaelin in it (I wish). Joey was there because he has a much more important role in the show. During a scene where O.J. is crying in Kim Kartrashian’s bedroom, a poster of Joey Lawrence is on one of the walls. I know, who cares about Travolta, Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Sarah Paulson. Joey Lawrence should get top billing!