If the Oscars and the Emmys are your fancy old uncle who drinks expensive scotch and loves British shows on PBS, then the People’s Choice Awards are your aunt who drinks canned Bay Breezes and asks if you wanna get high in her LeBaron. The People’s Choice Awards are for the people, damn it, and they don’t need prestige or class or gowns that requires every inch of your intestines to be crammed into Spanx.
Blake Lively clearly knows this and after going full-fashion at the Golden Globes two weeks ago, she wore one of Britney Spears’ rejects to the People’s Choice Awards. It’s like she couldn’t find her glasses and just assumed the dress code on the PCA invitation said: “Come dressed as a dancer from a Bob Mackie-inspired cruise ship show who is trying to get fired.” She looks like the messiest pledge at a sorority for ravens.
Some people still don’t understand that you don’t have to try so hard at the People’s Choice Awards. Jennifer Lopez, I’m looking at you.
Last night was the Los Angeles premiere of Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Darren Criss (all together: groooooan) and it brought out Demi Moore who was dressed like she accidentally stumbled onto the carpet while searching for a juice box and a cookie. You know, there may be a very good reason for why Demi Moore looks like a middle-aged Anna from Frozen in a half-assed Dennis the Menace disguise. That woman next to Demi is her friend, costume designer Arianne Phillips, so maybe the two are working on an updated reboot of Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman and Demi plays Mary Hartman who lives her life as though she’s trapped in a Snapchat filter (see: flower crown) and considers Stewie from Family Guy her fashion icon. Demi is trying to be all method so she wore her costume out. Yeah, that must be it…
Courtney Love was also there last night and she looked pretty good. When you’re at the same event as Courtney Love and Courtney Love looks less messy than you, it’s time for a long talk with God….or your stylist.
In all seriously, I’m really glad to see that the flower wall from Kim and Kanye’s wedding is still getting work.
I wouldn’t have thought that Garry Marshall and the crew from his latest full-of-stars film Mother’s Day would would have enough time to throw a red carpet premiere. I figured that as soon as he croaked “That’s a wrap!” on Mother’s Day, he’d wrangle everyone back up and start working on Memorial Day or Susan B. Anthony Day or whatever his next sort-of-a-holiday holiday-themed movie is. But I guess you just can’t keep the stars (and the star-adjacent, as you’ll see below) from strutting down a red carpet, because they had one last night in Los Angeles.
As you can see, Jennifer Aniston was there with a smile on her face, despite the fact that she apparently didn’t do enough smiling and waving on her way in and got booed. I was really hoping that some of Justin Theroux’s red carpet antics would have rubbed off Jenny and she’d roll up to the premiere of Mother’s Day in a pair of elastic-waist Mom Jeans™ and an appliqué vest. But she didn’t. Instead she asked her limo driver for his jacket and wore it as a dress. Julia Roberts also walked the red carpet, but sadly she didn’t do it in that busted orange Ana Wintour wig she wore in the movie. Kate Hudson wasn’t there because she was too busy untangling herself from J. J. Watt’s wall of abs. No, she wasn’t there because she had another thing to go to.
Here’s more from the premiere of the movie that will make a million moms wish they could have snuck an extra mimosa for two from brunch into the theatre. Once you’re done slogging through all the nobodies at the beginning, you’ll get to the real stars of the night at the end. I’m of course talking about three-time Garry Marshall movie star Wedil David, all-natural beauty Kara Del Toro, and friend of Real Housewives Taylor Armstrong.
I almost watched the People’s Choice Awards last night, because there’s something about seeing the few A-listers there making faces that say, “I really need to fire my goddamn publicist for making me go to this shit,” while surrounded by extras from The CW shows and shameless spotlight humpers (see: Frankie Grande). But I shat on that thought and decided to watch the condensation on my water glass for 2 hours instead.
Besides attention whore flamingo Frankie Grande showing up looking like a Great Value version of Caesar Flickman from The Hunger Games (more like The Thirst Games), other stuff actually happened. Sensitive thumb Vin Diesel cooed out another musical tribute to Paul Walker and Melanie Griffith’s daughter made a joke about her tits. But the moment that really made the rounds was the sad re-creation of Kanye West’s “Imma let you finish…” stunt.
As everyone knows, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen aren’t in Fuller House, because they’re way too busy searching Africa for an endangered black rhino to hunt and turn into a bag that they’ll sell for $90,000 at Barney’s. John Stamos is out whoring the show and during a talk with Howard Stern today, he said that after a little mix-up, he eventually talked to Mary-Kate about doing it. Mary-Kate seemed into it, but said that she and Ashley were scared to act because they don’t consider themselves actresses anymore. Um, did Mary-Kate and Ashley forget their impeccable performances in the underrated masterpiece Holiday In The Sun? Acting is obviously in their veins! When Mary-Kate and Ashley officially said fuck no to Fuller House, John Stamos got a great idea. John told the producers that they should ask the Trollsens’ sister Elizabeth Olsen to do it. John Stamos may or may not have been messed up on GHB when he came up with that idea. John told Andy Cohen on his SiriusXM show that Elizabeth Olsen’s agent wasn’t into it at all and basically said, “No way Jose!” via E!
“We actually went to—I don’t think this has been talked about…I didn’t do it, I think Jeff Franklin did—I said, ‘Call the sister [Elizabeth Olsen]. Ask her’…We talked to her agent and her agent was like, ‘Come on she’s not going to do that,’ but we did call her agent,” Stamos told Cohen on his SiriusXM talk show RadioAndy.
“That would’ve been kind of genius…I mean take kinda out of that sentence,” Cohen said.
“Yeah,” Stamos replied.
Mary-Kate and Ashley also have two brothers, so I wonder if those desperate producers begged either of them to throw a yellow mop on their head to play Michelle Tanner? If the producers were that hard-up to get Michelle Tanner to make an appearance, they should’ve just left a trail of squirrel nails (aka the Trollsens’ favorite snack) from Mary-Kate and Ashley’s spot on the bridge to the studio. As soon as Mary-Kate and Ashley showed up to the studio, they could’ve filmed them real quick before those two figured out what was going on and disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.
PAPER, the magazine that drenched our eyeballs with Kim Kartrashian’s sticky fart grease and Wonky McValtrex’s bondage butt has finally given us hard-up and desperate whores a pair of nalgas we actually want to see. John Stamos went pant-less and chonies-less for PAPER and served up some of his 52-year-old ass cakes. Who cares if that pose is all kinds of awkward and it looks like he’s in the middle of humping that curtain, they gave us Stamos butt. Although, I am disappointed with the paparazzi….
I mean, the paparazzi takes at least 500,000 pictures of Gigi Hadid walking to her car and another 300,000 pictures of Bella Thorne buying pressed juice, but yet not one of them pried themselves away from those riveting scenes to run over to the building where Stamos was shooting in hopes of catching his peen staring out the window! Damn them. Priorities: The paps need to get theirs in order.
But then again, if they did get a picture of Stamos’ dick, they may also have gotten a shot of his Santa Claus nose of a belly button and that might’ve ruined everything.
Pic: PAPER/Brian Bowen Smith