Maybe this time around she can sit John Mellencamp down and gently explain to him that saggy dad track bottoms are not an outdoor pant. Save them for your American Pickers marathons, John!
On Howard Stern’s SiriusXM show last week, John Mellencamp said that on the list of Things That Meg Ryan Hates, his name is right up there with “face wrinkles.” John said that Meg Ryan hates him and wants nothing to do with him because he was a fit-throwing moody child during their relationship. But on the same day that John told Howard that Meg is done with him, someone took a picture of them hanging out together in NYC. Go ahead and insert your very own SoWhatIsTheTruth.GIF here.
Stephanie Forman, who took the picture, said that John and Meg didn’t seem coupley. Okay, but it doesn’t seem like Meg Ryan hates him either, unless she’s smiling while telling him to please eat shit and get the fuck out of her face.
A source close to John tells Page Six that he doesn’t even know he got caught! The source said, “I don’t even think he knows the photo exists. He hasn’t said one word about it.”
So either John was joking with Howard. Or John is so not over Meg Ryan and he makes his current girlfriend wear a fluffy blond wig and a rubber Meg Ryan mask whenever they go out in public. Or John blatantly spit out a river of lies, because he and Meg are back together and he wants to throw the paparazzi off. John knows that he and Meg are the IT couple of our time and he doesn’t want the paps around while he and his lady are suckin’ on chili dogs outside Tastee Freeeeeze. Yeah, it’s definitely the third one.
Here’s John taking a quick stroll in NYC with his true love, a cigarette, on the same day he hung out with Meg.
And now I hate myself for pressing my eyeballs against my monitor to see if I can make out a peen print on John Cougar’s gray sweats.
John Cougar Mellencamp and Meg Ryan were together on-and-off for about 4 years and they ended it for good in 2015. And well, if Hurts So Good ever comes on the radio as Meg Ryan is driving, she probably thinks to herself, “More like, hurt so bad,” before getting the heaves and changing the station. Because John says that Meg hates him more than she hates seeing a wrinkle on her mug. Meg ain’t alone, though. John says that many women can’t stand him and would rather fuck an actual cougar than talk to him again.
Meg Ryan is fascinating as fuck to me. Then again, I’m curious as to how Six from Blossom is doing these days so don’t emulate me in any sort of way. Meg was on top of the world, riding high on the rom-com train, the queen of the perky career blondes who just wanted to be loved while fucking missonary-style to a Harry Connick Jr. soundtrack. And then she dropped those panties for Russell Crowe while they were filming Proof of Life. She fell in love, he had reportedly made a bet with the crew. Oh Meg. You never fuck a guy in a vanity project band. That blew a big fat Australian-man shaped hole in her wholesome image.
And then….oh sweet jesus, she went to the most morphine-addicted plastic surgeon in the bowels of Arkham Asylum who turned her into the Joker’s Desperate Older Sister.
And then she vanished! The last we saw of her, she was spending her days antiquing with John Cougar Mellencamp. We all assumed she had tapped out and was trying to supplant Sally Field as the Boniva woman. Well, Sally can slide the razor back in her purse and clean the vaseline off her mug because Meg isn’t ready to be counted out of the acting game just yet! People reports that she’s starring in and executive-producing a new series for NBC. This shit is going to be cancelled quicker than you can say “Heather Graham in Emily’s Reasons Why Not“. I don’t remember that show, either. The biggest reason why-not for Emily was that Heather Graham had one expression (“blank”) and should be used by landscapers to surround trees in a carefully manicured circle.
According to the show’s description, Ryan will play “a sunny, devoted and desperately non-confrontational” single mom who decides to return to work at her former publishing house, where she will be supervised by her 30-year-old former intern.
My DVR already told me to fuck off. “Sunny” is a good fit for the character because that smile isn’t going anywhere. Hopefully Meg avoids wakes because people must get offended when she always looks like she’s perma-chuckling over the casket.
Ever since the laws of medical science were defied when Benicio Del Toro’s hairy sperm fishes took a wrong turn and smashed straight into one of Kimbo Stewart’s ovaries, I’ve realized that the world has a bizarre way of showing us that anything can happen. Anything really can happen. So let’s not rule out that this image is of John Cougarless Mellencamp peeking in on the bump holding his and Meg Ryan’s unborn baby at an airport in Vancouver yesterday. Prepare yourself for a baby that will come out looking like a miniature wolf man with the face of Howard the Duck.
Sure, there’s a good chance John is doing something else to Meg Ryan’s down low area, but Sunday morning mass is still 3 days away so let’s not do that to ourselves right now.
For some bizarrely strange reason unknown to everybody including me, I’ve been following Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp’s every single move as a dusty new couple, so here they are holding hands while going to the Whitney Museum and a restaurant in NYC today. My therapist would probably say this is my way of holding onto the 90s with both hands since my life was so uncomplicated back then. It’s true. The most complicated thing I had to worry about back then was how to get home from a rave after my friend’s left me staring at a bunny sticker on the bathroom wall for 4 hours right. Yes, illegal drugs were involved.
Anyway, here’s to Meg and John: 2011’s GREATEST COUPLE (not really). Well, they’re the year’s greatest couple unless Goober comes out with a peanut butter and Fluff swirl. But until then, Meg and the miniature Harry Hamlin need to bask in this shit!