Category: John Malkovich

Helen Mirren Issues A Direct Threat To Shauna Sand

July 12, 2013 / Posted by:

Dame Helen Mirren floated into the premiere of Red 2 at the Village Theater in L.A. last night and everyone asked themselves, “Why does it look like Dame Helen Mirren is gliding on a sky cloud of angel farts?” (Side note: I know, that’s a dumb question for them to ask themselves since clouds ARE angel farts.) Their question was answered when Helen Mirren pulled up her homely green sack of a dress and showed off her exquisite lucite heel. It’s a good thing that the angels are always hovered around Shauna Sand, because they caught her when she fell back. LUCITE SHOTS FIRED!

This isn’t the first time that Helen Mirren has let the Empress of Lucite know that her throne is in danger. Helen used to wear exquisite lucite heels all the time and she told Jay Leno a couple of years ago that they were her secret weapon of elegance.

“I used to buy [stripper shoes] on Hollywood Blvd. $39, they cost me. I always used to wear them to red carpet events when I was nominated for things, because they give you an immediate seven inches. You’re on the red carpet and there’s Nicole Kidman, who’s like up here, Christine Lahti’s up here and you’re this little midget running around in between them. So I had to have my secret weapon and now everyone’s got them.”

Yeah, whatever. Helen Mirren can pretend she’s a lucite heel vanguard, but can she wear them while walking on sand? That’s the true test of a lucite empress. (Cut to Helen Mirren walking across the Pacific Ocean in lucite heels) DAMN HER!

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

John Malkovich Shows Ryan Gosling That He Isn’t The Only One Who Can Save Lives

June 9, 2013 / Posted by:

Everyone’s favorite celebrity life saver Ryan Gosling must’ve had last week off, because it was John Malkovich who kept a dude from walking toward Jesus on Thursday. CBC News (via THR) says that John was just wearing the hell out of a scarf and smoking a cigarette outside of the King Edward Hotel in Toronto on Thursday night when a 77-year-old man from Ohio tripped and fell. As he fell, some scaffolding slashed his throat and he started bleeding on the ground. John ran to the man and used his scarf to stop the bleeding. John Malkovich doesn’t only wear that scarf because he never knows when he’ll want to tie you up and give it to you nasty. He also wears that scarf because he never knows when he’s going to need to stop an old man from bleeding to death.

The man Jim Walpole said that John and Toronto restaurateur Ben Quinn put pressure on the cut until the ambulance arrived. Jim asked John Malkovich what his name was and he just said, “John.” Jim was worried about being taken to a county hospital (HA! AMERICAN!) and John comforted him by saying that they have a really good health care system in Canada. After the ambulance arrived, Jim and his wife said goodbye to his knight in a scarf. Ben Quinn said that afterward, John thanked him for helping.

“Malkovich turned and thanked me. I thanked him. We couldn’t shake hands, I was covered in blood. He was just off, didn’t want any attention.”

John is currently in Toronto to play Casanova in the chamber opera play The Giacomo Variations. Jim and his wife said that they didn’t really know who John was before Thursday night, but now that they do, they plan on seeing every single one of his movies.

John didn’t only stop Jim’s cut from bleeding. He did so much more than that. When John Malkovich stares at you, you don’t know whether he wants to lift up your skirt and make violent love to you on top of a pile of hay in the farm behind his French chateau or if he wants to slowly destroy you with his bare hands. That kind of excitement gave Jim Walpole a will to survive!

And if Jim really is going to watch all of John’s movies, he should go ahead and skip Mary Reilly. He’s been through enough pain.

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I Love John Malkovich

September 12, 2008 / Posted by:

The trailer for John Malkovich’s new movie “Changeling” is here! I always read it as “Chitterling” for some reason. I’ve been all about John M. ever since “Dangerous Liasons,” so I try and see everything he’s in. I mean, I even sat through that horrific piece of trash called “Mary Reilly.Julia Robert’s accent should have been executed. Anyway, that’s how much I love John. I would drink his bathwater like it was Pineapple Kool-Aid with a splash of vodka.

Oh and that woman who rules the heavens and earth is also in it. You know, that woman who lives in the fancy French shoe with her ten million kids. Yeah, she’s in it.

The plot is about some chick in the 1920s whose kid gets lost or kidnapped or something. Another kid gets returned to her ass, but she swears it’s not her son. She gets thrown in the loony bin and the raw emotion comes out. Basically, it’s like the “The Deep End of the Ocean” minus the crazy house.

And I’m sure this kind of thing happens to St. Angie only a monthly basis. Whenever Shiloh comes to visit from her ivory tower, St. Angie always says, “This isn’t Shiloh.” Brad has to pat her on the head and say, “Yes, it is.

Expect St. Angelina to get nominated in every single category at the Oscars for this performance. If they don’t nominate her, God will cancel the Oscars.

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