Disney’s latest live-action MWTPTBG (mess with the potential to be good), The Lion King, is coming together and yesterday, Disney tweeted a picture of the confirmed cast. For a company like Disney, that is a very low-budget community theater-looking cast sheet. Not to mention how confusing it must have been when the real star Beyonce saw it. “Can someone explain why both my picture and name are the same size as everyone else? Oh wait, is this like a Destiny’s Child thing, where I pretend I’m part of a group? Ok, gotcha (wink).”
I like to imagine that’s the same position Jon Hamm has to be in when he takes a dick pic. You have to hold it upright if you want the panorama mode on your camera to capture all the angles properly.
Edward Snowden, a dude who my dumb ass always mistakes for a secondary character from The Office that doesn’t exist (is he Meredith’s son? Or one of Scott’s Tots?), recently met with John Oliver in Russia for an interview for Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. If you’re anything like me and you only watch the panda-fucking parts of the news, then you know that the story of Edward Snowden leaking a bunch of NSA documents is confusing as hell. Thankfully, John Oliver was able to put it all into perspective by asking whether or not the NSA have seen pictures America’s dick pics. According to Edward Snowden, yes they have! (the dick talk starts around the 25:00 mark):
When asked by John Oliver if people should stop sending pictures of their junk to each other until all this NSA business gets sorted out, Edward Snowden replied:
“No. You shouldn’t change your behavior because a government agency somewhere is doing the wrong thing. If we sacrifice our values because we’re afraid, we don’t care about those values very much.”
That’s right! Set off some fireworks, shave your downstairs hair into the shape of a bald eagle, turn the “America Fuck Yeah!” up to 11 and ask one of the heads on Mt. Rushmore to hold the camera steady while you try to snap a pic of your wet bits. It’s what Lady Liberty would want! Yes, I just pictured Uncle Sam sending the Statue of Liberty a grainy red, white, and blue jpg with the message “I WANT YOU…to check out this 6″ flag pole. u like?” I know, I have NO respect for history.