Category: Joey Fatone

Open Post: Hosted By Salma Hayek’s Lettuce Head Chichis

August 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Sausage Party is that computer animated horror movie about talking food murder that was made by stoners for stoners and it had its premiere in L.A. last night. Salma Hayek does the voice of a gayelle taco shell named Teresa in Sausage Party and so she was at the premiere where she grabbed the buns of a giant hot dog bun in heels and posed with two lettuce heads as though they were her tits. I will say the same thing I said when I somehow* caught myself watching most of Grown Ups 2 on Starz one night:

Salma Hayek, you can act, you’re hot and you’re married to a billionaire. You do not need to do this shit. The end.

But now that I think about it, maybe being married to an over-filled money vault depleted all of the fucks she had to give and now she does whatever she wants. Maybe she really wants to be in an Adam Sandler movie, and do the voice of a taco-bumping taco and pose with lettuce tits. Well, if that’s the case, then Salma should’ve at least gotten one of her minions to fetch her ass some lettuce heads that weren’t falling apart and didn’t look all sad-like. They’re doing a disservice to real magnificent chichis!

And here’s pictures of a bunch of people at last night’s premiere. When exactly did Michael Cera shape-shift into Fran Lebowitz?

Pics: Wenn.com

* Blame it on the weed mixed with my self-hate.

NSYNC Reunited At JC Chasez’s Birthday Party Last Night

August 9, 2016 / Posted by:

The last time I wrote about NSYNC, a group dumb teenage me spent $55 to watch from behind a pole in the nosebleed section, Lance Bass was talking about how no one from NSYNC got an invitation to Justin Timberlake’s 2012 wedding. It was really upsetting news. How dare he do his four stage brothers like that?

It was JC Chasez’s 40th birthday yesterday, and he could have served up some pettiness by not inviting Justin Timberlake to his party, but he didn’t. Every member of NSYNC showed up to JC’s birthday party at The Nice Guy last night. They even posed for a group pic that Justin put on Instagram. At least I think that’s Justin; it could also be Martin Freeman in Jason Mraz drag.

The Nice Guy usually has a strict no photography policy, but they were obviously willing to make an exception for such an important reunion. Maybe Justin asked them to bend the rules because he was afraid that nobody would believe he hung out with the other members of NSYNC if he wasn’t getting paid to. That’s smart of him. Without seeing photographic proof that he was there, I would fully believe that Justin RSVP’d to JC’s party with a note that said: “Sorry, but I still think I’m too good for the rest of you NSUCKERS, so don’t count on it.”

Here’s a bunch of pictures of Justin, Jessica Biel, Chris, and Lance leaving JC’s party last night. When Joey Fatone left The Nice Guy, he grabbed a TMZ camera and pretended to be a pap. Then he “pretended” to ask them if they’re hiring and who he should contact with his resume.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Sorry, Elton, But Lance Bass Had The Biggest Star-Studded Gay Wedding Of The Weekend

December 21, 2014 / Posted by:

This weekend truly did belong to the gay wedding and the weekend isn’t over yet so I could get married to my Anderson Cooper cutout in the drive-thru driveway of an In-N-Out. Stay tuned.

Before Lance Bass married his piece of 3 years Michael Turchin at the Park Plaza Hotel in L.A. last night, he Instagrammed that picture along with the caption:

Today I marry the man of my dreams. He makes me smile; he makes my heart melt; he makes me….me.
#LanceLovesMichael

Judging by that picture, I think Lance meant to type: “Today Michael is lucky enough to marry the man of his and my dreams. I make him smile. I make me smile. I make his heart melt. I make my heart melt. #MichaelLovesLance #LanceLovesLance.” I mean, nothing says mutual love like a picture of Lance Bass loving himself in front of the camera while his man worships his chin and hangs onto him like some accessory. But seriously…

Elton John had David Beckham and Lulu at his wedding and that’s nice and everything, but Lance Bass’ wedding was a truly star-studded event! The Who’s Who of WHO? was there including JC Chasez, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick, Lisa Vanderpump (who dragged her tortured fur accessory with her), Pimp Mama Kris, Gabourey Sidibe, AJ McClean, melting wax puppet Robin Antin, Martyn Lawrence Bullard from Million Dollar Decorators, Christina Applegate, Jason Collins and Jamie-Lynn Sigler who co-officiated the ceremony with JoAnna Garcia Swisher.

Justin Timberlake couldn’t make it, because: a) He probably thinks he’s too good for that shit and; b) He had to work. He’s on tour.

People says that guests were told to dress like they were “going to a royal wedding at the MET Ball.” I don’t really know what that means, but after looking at the pictures of what the guests were wearing I’m guessing it means look as messy and tacky as possible. The wedding was designed by planner Sharon Sacks who did Kim Kartrashian and Kris Humphries’ wedding and also did Kim Kartrashian and Kanye’s wedding.

Lance and Michael’s wedding was shot for an E! special titled Lance Loves Michael: The Lance Bass Wedding. It will air in February. Oh God, Lance, what are you doing?! He gets married in front of E!’s cameras, used Kim Kartrashian’s wedding planner and invited Pimp Mama Kris?! That’s one way for Lance Bass to guarantee that his marriage doesn’t last more than 72 days.

Pics: Splash, FameFlynet

Joey Fatone Opens His Fat Mouth About The TimberFetus Growing In Jessica Biel’s Womb

December 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Jessica Biel’s either got a human growing in her body or she’s suffering from the same shit I suffer from, skinny fat, because she’s been looking swole. The hobo’s Blake Lively (or is Blake Lively the hobo’s Jessica Biel?) and Justin Timberlake haven’t said anything about her being knocked up, because it’s pretty obvious that she is and they’re way too ~famous~ and way too ~ private~ for that. Besides, they don’t need to announce that shit  when they’ve got Joey Fat One to do it for them.

Just like the editor of InStyle before him, the brown-headed Guy Fieri let everyone know that in a few months Jessica Biel’s body will eject a baby that will be all ass and Ramen hair. Joey EXCLUSIVELY told InTouch that he’s known about the TimberFetus for a long time now.

“He told me a while ago, and I kept my mouth shut,” Joey says in the new issue of ‘In Touch.’ “But now I can talk about it!”

And though Justin and Jessica have kept mum on the subject, Joey is confident they’re more than ready to become parents. “Jessica is awesome, and Justin is a kid at heart,” he adds. “[They’ll have] fun.”

If JT is pissed that Joey Fat One is blabbing about his oh-so-private private life, he shouldn’t be. JT thinks he’s too good for an NSYNC reunion tour, so how else is Joey supposed to get money? Being the guest host of The Price Is Right Live! show at Bally’s in Las Vegas only pays so much (and by “so much” I do mean drink tickets and a free dinner at the buffet). Joey has no choice but to trade info about the most famous NSYNCer for a check made out to cash from InTouch Weekly. You did this to yourself, JT!

And here’s JT and Jay-Z leaving Taylor Swift’s apartment in NYC yesterday. Are they doing a song together? Did they have a spit roast threesome? Or did Jay-Z and JT come over to make Christmas cookies in her Easy Bake oven while singing along to the Chipmunks Christmas album? This is Tay Tay we’re talking about. It’s the last one.

Pics: Splash

Celebrities Are Just Like Us: The Chris Kirkpatrick Edition

November 3, 2013 / Posted by:

If you’re anything like me, you started your morning out sitting somewhere in a daze, desperately reaching for the coffee maker from across the room like some kind of bunkassed Jedi while inviting Daylight Saving Time to blow you. Reading that Chris Kirkpatrick got married and watching some old N’SYNC videos on YouTube is doing a better job breathing life into me than coffee ever could. Between the TLC-wore-it-better satin pajamas, Justin’s moldy Top Ramen hair, JC dry humping a padded cell and Lance Bass as a chick magnet, this is better than caffeine.

Anyway, fifth runner up in a 1998 spring break Adam Duritz lookalike contest Chris married Karly Skladany on Saturday with all his band members in attendance. Loose-lipped Lance (also his Craigslist username) gave a few details about the wedding during his XM Satellite radio show Dirty Pop (via USWeekly) on October 29, including Chris having little interest in the “finer things”, resulting in the renting of Joey-Fatone-size-fits-all tuxedos.

“What’s really hilarious to me is that we went to get fitted for our tuxes at Men’s Warehouse — and he got us the cheapest tuxes there he could possibly get, which I think is so Chris and very lovely,” Bass revealed during his show. “I mean that’s just who he is.”

He joked: “I think its hilarious to know that Justin Timberlake is going to be in a Men’s Warehouse tux ushering the wedding.”

Translation:

“Chris is a cheap ass motherfucker and should know I don’t get out of bed for less than Armani! The only good part about this crap is knowing Timberlake will be at the reception, busting out the Electric Slide in rented pants steeped in so much dried groomsman ball sweat, no amount of dry cleaning will ever get it out.”

Weddings these days seem so over the top and self-indulgent, knowing someone had a shitload of money to spend and didn’t is a nice change of pace. Looking at you, Kanye. All this wedding really needed to be successful was some floor-clearing “Bye Bye Bye” marionette choreography, Justin doing an impromptu “Dick In A Box” performance while grinding on Chris’s grandma, and the always classy Reichen Lehmkuhl crashing the open bar, declaring his love for Lance and being forcefully removed from the premises by Jessica Biel.

(Pic via Twitter)

Break Out The L.A. Looks Gel, ‘N Sync Is Reuniting At The VMAs (Maybe)

August 20, 2013 / Posted by:

I should’ve warned you to put on a pair of goggles and a mouth mask before staring at that picture, because now you’ve probably got L.A. Looks gel crusties stuck to your eyeballs and you’re choking on a cloud of White Rain hairspray fumes.

Millions of 20-somethings and 30-somethings are recovering this morning after the teenager inside of them blew up while reading about how ‘N Sync may reunite at the MTV VMAs this Sunday. Justin Timberlake is getting the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award and Page Six says that during his performance, Lance Bass, JC Chasez, Chris Kirkpatrick and Joey Fatone will sashay out for an ‘N Sync reunion. ‘N Sync all hung out together on Friday night at Justin’s show in Miami, so that means their reunion is TOTALLY going to happen or Lance, JC, Chris and Joey were only there for the open bar.

I am all for this reunion, but only if they reunite with those outfits and hairstyles too. Justin needs to break up with Keratin and bring back his uncooked Ramen noodle hair and JC needs to remind George Clooney who the true King of the 90s Caesar Cut was. And I really miss Lance Bass looking like a middle-aged lesbian comedian from the 90s who never really made it and always accuses Ellen DeGeneres of stealing her life! And those pajama tops….. and Joey Fatone’s gorgeous brunette angel wing bangs. I am lost in this picture and could go on and on…

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