Unlike a certain goody, goody pop star who pretends like a wild night for her is when she, Meredith Grey, and Olivia Benson stay up late sipping Swiss Miss and watch Murder, She Wrote, Charli XCX ain’t fucking around. Or maybe she is. While she’s singing, “I was busy thinkin’ bout boys, boys, boys” in her latest video (same, girl), I can certainly see why. It’s like a peen parade. No, you don’t see actual peen, but plenty of man nalgas!
Although Gigi Hadid and Joe Jonas weren’t together all that long and seemed to have an amicable break-up, the JoBro warbler appeared to be a little peeved when he was interviewed after Gigi started canoodling with a One Directioner. He sat down with the Daily Mirror in 2016 and said, “I think it’s interesting that she moved on so quickly, I mean it was definitely very quick.”
Welp, fast forward a year, and the Supermodel/”Bitch of the moment” Gigi is on the cover of the August issue of American Vogue with boyfriend Zayn Malik looking like some plaid reboot of Victor/Victoria.
Sophie Turner, who is best known as Sansa Stark from Game of Thornes to nerds and Joe Jonas’ latest beard to us shady queens, has now got some people wondering if she shares a bloodline with the Hiltons. In a video that’s been spreading like Joe Jonas’ ass cheeks in that fairy tale sex tape that proved to be a lie, some are hearing Sophie Turner say, “What up, my n—-!” But Sophie Turner says that she would never! Only your ears can be the Judge Judies and decide!
The Grammys are the time and place for some high fashion fuckery. You can go high concept crazy (see: CeeLo Green), or you can go tacky casual with a twist of try hard. Halsey chose the latter. Halsey told Giuliana Rancic that her look was “a little TLC, a little Aaliyah.” When I first saw Halsey on the red carpet, I immediately got a T-Boz in the Creep video vibe. Halsey must have realized that she couldn’t blatantly rip-off such a legendary look without receiving a cease-and-desist, and so she added her own spin. And in this case, her spin was to ditch the matching robe and walk down the red carpet with her tits out. She also went with her natural hair, which was a choice. Personally I would have gone full-homage to T-Boz with some bangs and side-curtains. But I’ll give her a pass on this one. If she didn’t have time to steam the wrinkles out of her ensemble, I doubt she had time to clip on some hair.
I am fading faster than a Jenner after not taking a selfie for a full 30 minutes. Since last week, a cold or the flu has been trying hard to possess my body and I’ve been fighting it off with the usual: Theraflu, whiskey, weed laced with crushed Vitamin C pills, Lipton Soup Secrets and episodes of The Golden Girls (that shit is like industrial-strength antibiotics for the soul). I thought I beat it, but then this morning I woke up feeling like Amanda Nunes flinched at me. I was going to say that I felt like I just spent 1 millisecond in the ring with Amanda Nunes, but I wouldn’t feel a thing if I just spent 1 millisecond in the ring with Amanda Nunes, because I’d be dead. So because I’m officially sick, I’m checking out early. But instead of feeling sorry for my sick self, I’m feeling sorry for the Photoshop artiste who sprained their hand while Photoshopping these pictures of Joe Jonas to the moon and back.
Joe Jonas is the new face, crotch and ass of the line of underwear from Guess, the brand that us 80s kids begged our parents to buy. The closest I got were Guess knock-off jeans that my mom bought me in Tijuana. Guess released a bunch of pictures of a shirtless Joe Jonas working a pair of Guess undies with Charlotte McKinney. That top picture looks all kinds of off. It’s like they pasted Joe’s head on some other model’s body and then slapped the finished product in front of a Sears Portrait Studio background. It looks like fapping material that a crazed Jonas Brother fan put together.
But with that being said, these pics got dude nipples and man chonies, so I’ll take ’em.
Joe “Thirst Trap” Jonas is all “whatever” about guys sending him pics of their junk. In fact, he’s so chill about it that one suspects he’s started a Pinterest board for himself called “Fan Cocks” just to keep all that dick organized. In an interview with PrideSource, “The One With The Band Who Doesn’t Act And Has The Biggest Dick” says that dudes direct message him with all sorts of stuff – but usually it’s peen. By the way, his brothers are “The One Who Seems Totally Gay, But Has A Wife And A Kid” and “The One Everybody Wishes Were Gay, But Nonetheless Keeps Putting It In Our Faces… The Big Gymbunny Tease.” And there’s your handy guide to the JoBros! “Dlisted: Classifying Celebrities For You Since 2005.”