I am fading faster than a Jenner after not taking a selfie for a full 30 minutes. Since last week, a cold or the flu has been trying hard to possess my body and I’ve been fighting it off with the usual: Theraflu, whiskey, weed laced with crushed Vitamin C pills, Lipton Soup Secrets and episodes of The Golden Girls (that shit is like industrial-strength antibiotics for the soul). I thought I beat it, but then this morning I woke up feeling like Amanda Nunes flinched at me. I was going to say that I felt like I just spent 1 millisecond in the ring with Amanda Nunes, but I wouldn’t feel a thing if I just spent 1 millisecond in the ring with Amanda Nunes, because I’d be dead. So because I’m officially sick, I’m checking out early. But instead of feeling sorry for my sick self, I’m feeling sorry for the Photoshop artiste who sprained their hand while Photoshopping these pictures of Joe Jonas to the moon and back.
Joe Jonas is the new face, crotch and ass of the line of underwear from Guess, the brand that us 80s kids begged our parents to buy. The closest I got were Guess knock-off jeans that my mom bought me in Tijuana. Guess released a bunch of pictures of a shirtless Joe Jonas working a pair of Guess undies with Charlotte McKinney. That top picture looks all kinds of off. It’s like they pasted Joe’s head on some other model’s body and then slapped the finished product in front of a Sears Portrait Studio background. It looks like fapping material that a crazed Jonas Brother fan put together.
But with that being said, these pics got dude nipples and man chonies, so I’ll take ’em.
Joe “Thirst Trap” Jonas is all “whatever” about guys sending him pics of their junk. In fact, he’s so chill about it that one suspects he’s started a Pinterest board for himself called “Fan Cocks” just to keep all that dick organized. In an interview with PrideSource, “The One With The Band Who Doesn’t Act And Has The Biggest Dick” says that dudes direct message him with all sorts of stuff – but usually it’s peen. By the way, his brothers are “The One Who Seems Totally Gay, But Has A Wife And A Kid” and “The One Everybody Wishes Were Gay, But Nonetheless Keeps Putting It In Our Faces… The Big Gymbunny Tease.” And there’s your handy guide to the JoBros! “Dlisted: Classifying Celebrities For You Since 2005.”
Glamour’s annual Women of the Year award happened last night in Hollywood and the dress code must’ve been: MESS! Because most of them were.
Gwen Stefani (in the gallery) looked like an off-brand quinceañera Barbie and Zendaya (also in the gallery) wore some floral glove things that made it look like she just double fisted a flower fairy. And then there was Amber Heard whose dress looks like it was made out of the dusty curtains, crib skirt and pillow trim from an old-timey rich baby girl’s nursery. That dress is what Miss Havisham would wear if she was finally evicted from Satis House and had to make coins by selling ass at a brothel.
Amber hasn’t worked many red carpets ever since she settled her divorce from the angry scarf rack, so maybe she purposefully wore something busted. That way reporters wouldn’t ask her about Johnny Depp, because they’d be too busy wondering who and what the hell she’s wearing. Well played!
And here’s a zillion more pictures from last night including Lena Dunham who worked baby bangs and a constipated face.
The current #1 spot on the top of Ashley Greene’s shit list Joe Jonas might have a new special person in his life. And it looks like the lucky lady who gets to brush up against his thick n’ juicy brows as she goes in for a smooch is Sophie Turner, aka Sansa Stark from Game of Thrones.
Joe Jonas is deep into the “I’ve Got A Big Dick And I’ve Used It, Damnit!” 2016 Press Tour. He’s already found it necessary to fuck-and-tell about losing his V-card to Ashley Greene (she appreciated it) and now he’s revealed to Notion (via People) that his dad once caught him using the Jonas family computer for jerking off purposes. Your dad’s a guy, Joe. I hate to tell you this but he was probably booting up the pc that time for the same purpose. This is why everybody needs their own laptops when their kids hit puberty. Crossing familial porn streams is gross. I have two brothers. I know what I’m talking about.
Last week, Joe Jonas did a Reddit Ask Me Anything, and during it he let everyone know who was the first lady to jump on the largest Jonas dick. Joe said that he lost his virginity to “this girl named Ashley” and added to “Google it to figure out which Ashley that is.” It was obvious he was talking about Twilight person Ashley Greene. You’d think Ashley Green would have been happy that so many people were searching her name in 2016, but she wasn’t.