Category: Joe Jackson

Joe Jackson Declares Blanket The Next Michael Jackson

December 17, 2013 / Posted by:

In news that makes me want to scream, “RUUUUUN, BLANKET, RUUUUN, LET THE WIND CARRY YOU AWAY,” Joe Jackson’s pimp hand starts to get the tingles in a trailer for a new documentary about Michael Jackson. The documentary titled Remembering Michael (working title: Remember Who Pays Our Bills, Still) is being put together by Katherine Jackson and she’s looking to raise $3.2 million to finish it. Katherine says she’s releasing it as a tribute to Michael and she’s also releasing it because the Jacksons love MOOOONAAAAY.

Michael already got a tribute tour, tribute greatest hits CD, tribute reality show, tribute this, tribute that and I’m sure he’ll soon get a tribute wig line, tribute makeup line and ¬†tribute Jesus Juice line. So the trailer for this tribute documentary made me shrug and let out an “eh” until I saw that Satanic twinkle in Joe Jackson’s eyes as he talked about “trainingBlanket Jackson to be the next Jackson money maker. Here’s the words that should cause Bubbles to snatch up Blanket and put that child in the Jackson Protection Program.

“They also say that there will never be a Michael Jackson. And I say that we already have one, but he just has to be trained. That kid is the spitting image of Michael when Michael was smaller.”

Blanket Jackson doesn’t really look like a young Michael Jackson to me, but then I tried to look at them both through Joe Jackson’s pimp eyes. When MJ was young, Joe Jackson saw him as a sparkly gold dollar sign and when he looks at Blanket he probably sees the same thing. So yeah, they do look exactly alike through Joe Jackson’s eyes! Joe Jackson may be a shady fart out of Lucifer’s ass, but he didn’t lie there.

And I hope that when Joe Jackson raises his pimp hand and commands Blanket to do the moonwalk, Blanket rolls his eyes, flips his luscious mane and says, “Nice try, girl, but I’m going to be a hair model. Good day.”

Here’s the trailer if you really need to heat Blanket Jackson speak and see Joe Jackson’s grizzled old bulldog face in motion.

Pic: Wenn

QOTD: How Joe Jackson Kept MJ From Joining A Street Gang

September 6, 2010 / Posted by:

The only gang Michael Jackson belonged to was a dancing one that destroyed their enemies with crotch bumps, hip thrusts and neck sways (see: Bad) instead of shanks and gats. Joe Jackson says we can thank his open hand for that. In an interview with Jackson Secret Vault, the bloated catfish had this to say when he was asked about whoopin’ MJ

“I had to be like that because when raising him, in those days, so many gangs out there getting into trouble, going to jail. Most of them are dead now. He didn’t have to worry about that.

And does Joe regret slapping the kids around?

“No! They tried to make a big issue when I spanked Michael or some of the kids, ya know? Just like they didn’t spank their kids when they did wrong. The media twists everything.”

Michael Jackson in a gang? Unless the Sharks and Jets were waiting to pirouette-him into their crew, I doubt MJ was planning on joining a gang. Besides, MJ was too busy dancing for coins for Joe Jackson to pay his hookers with. Joe Jackson really needs to use his slappin’ hand to slap the giant ass on his no-neck for this.

via TMZ

Joe Jackson Will Get Paid No Matter What

June 25, 2010 / Posted by:

Joe Jackson was left out of Michael Jackson‘s will, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to put his forked tail between his legs and slither back into the mole hole to the underworld. Nope. Joe has found another way to fill his pimp purse with coins. CNN reports that Joe Jackson has filed a wrongful death lawsuit against Michael’s former doctor Dr. Conrad Murray in federal court this afternoon. Joe thinks Dr. Con is responsible for his son’s death and he wants him to pay up. Joe is seeking an unspecified amount for damages. Joe is telling the media that he’s only suing to get justice for his son, but I’m pretty sure his horns were crossed under his hat when he said it.

The lawsuit states that Dr. Con didn’t tell the EMTs and doctors trying to revive Michael what kinds of pain killers he gave him. Dr. Con kept his lips shut about how he filled Michael with propofol earlier in the day. The suit goes on to say that if the doctors knew this information they might have been able to save Michael.

Joe isn’t stopping with Dr. Con either. Joe is also throwing lawsuits at two of the clinics where Dr. Con practiced for helping him cover up Michael’s death. The lawsuit states: “Defendants conduct of attempting to conceal the multi-state supply of drugs and the use of their facilities in Texas and Nevada to obtain medications was an extreme departure from the standard of care.”

Expect Joe to also sue the makers of propofol, the makers of the syringes used to inject MJ, the makers of plastic, the makers of needles, the makers of veins, the Sandman (for not sprinkling natural ZZZss on Michael Jackson) and any other bitch he can think of. Seriously, Bubbles better lawyer up, because it’s only a matter of time before Joe tries to snatch a banana out of his claw. The pimp always has the last cackle.

STFU Joe Jackson

June 13, 2010 / Posted by:

Somebody needs to tie Joe Jackson’s leash to a tree in the backyard and give him a neck bone to chew on, so he will stop barking and slobbering about Michael Jackson’s death already. The geriatric hate child of Aughra and a dehydrated catfish is spilling some shit-covered bullshit to the News of the World about his wife Katherine and their son. Joe blames Katherine for Michael’s death, because he knew their son was hooked on pills and he told her to go and save him. Joe would’ve done it himself but his switch was in the shop at the time.

In a videotaped interview with the NOTW, Joe says that he could barely look at Katherine after Michael’s death, because he believes she could’ve pretended it.

Joe farted and he farted loud, “Katherine was weeping uncontrollably and highly upset. But I didn’t give her a hug because I was MAD at her crying. I said, ‘If you had listened to me Michael would be living now!’ I kept thinking about the times I had stood in front of her saying something was wrong. I couldn’t bottle up my feelings. Katherine didn’t say a word – I had to get away from her. If she’d done what I asked, Michael would be here today. I am incensed with her. She could have made a difference.

I had begged her to go over and stay with him, but she insisted he needed his privacy and gave him the slack she thought he needed. A child will listen to his mother more than his father – and Michael was a mummy’s boy. He listened to her. I still haven’t been able to talk about it to her as she doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. She is a shell of the woman she was. She has headaches, can’t sleep and won’t deal with these problems – like Michael she would rather run away.

So I guess Joe Jackson’s Blu-Ray company isn’t panning out and the allowance Katherine gives him isn’t cutting it so now he has to tap dance for the tabloids in order to pay the car note on his jump-off’s Buick. Okay, then.

It makes sense that the front of Joe’s neck looks like the opening to Hell, because everything that comes out of his mouth hole sounds like it came out of Satan’s ass first. Go to bed, Joe, and take Shannon Price with you.

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