Eventually, even scary monsters get old, start losing their teeth and never remember where they left their reading glasses (they’re on top of your head, you old gargoyle!). Joe Jackson is no exception. At 89 the former alleged family pimp slapper comes off as a harmless, doddering old grandpappy. And somebody has taught the old man to tweet! Joe recently posted a video message for his grandson Blanket and as TMZ points out, Joe may have had himself a little “senior moment” and gotten Blanket confused with his other grandson Prince Michael, who recently had a motorcycle accident.
Joe Jackson, one of the original child star pimps who makes Dina Lohan look like Marion Cunningham, nearly left the earth on Sunday after having a stroke in Brazil. The stroke left Joe temporarily blind and if that wasn’t enough, his heart stopped during surgery. Joe is in Brazil because a company called Nexxing threw him an 87th birthday party and invited him. Oh, Brazil, you’ve taken “come to Brazil” way too far when you’re telling Joe Jackson to come to Brazil.
TMZ says that Detective La Toya Jackson’s dad woke up on Sunday with the dizzies and he couldn’t see. He was taken to the Albert Einstein Hospital in São Paulo where doctors ran tests on him. The doctors reportedly discovered that an artery behind his eye busted and that’s what caused him to have a stroke and lose his eyesight. While in the hospital, he had three heart attacks including one during surgery. But it’s going to take more than one stroke and three heart attacks to send Joe Jackson to the afterworld. Joe Jackson pulled out one of his signature switches and shooed the Grim Reaper away by waving his weapon of choice at it.
TMZ says that doctors put a pacemaker in Joe and so far, he’s on his way to a full recovery. Joe can see again and his speech wasn’t affected at all. He’s even “cracking jokes” in his hospital bed. 87-year-old Joe has had several strokes before and the most recent one was in 2012. So there you go, Joe Jackson still lives!
And here’s Joe and his “girlfriend,” who is giving me lot lizard Carmen Electra, visiting the CT Corinthians football club in São Paulo on Friday.
Both The Los Angeles Times and TMZ say that the last government agency you should fuck with, the IRS, hit the Michael Jackson Estate with a bill for hundreds of millions of dollars. The IRS claims that Michael Jackson’s Estate lied about his net worth when he died and now they want $702 million in taxes and fines. Run, Jackson Family, ruuuuun, flee to Switzerland while you still can! Blanket and Detective La Toya are too fragile and delicate for prison!
In documents filed with the U.S. Tax Court in Washington, the IRS claims that the executors of Michael Jackson’s estate claimed that he was worth $7 million at the time of his death in 2009. According to the IRS, Michael Jackson was worth just a little bit more than $7 million. The IRS says that he was actually worth $1.125 billion. Wooops, bitch. That’s what the Jacksons get for letting Bubbles do their accounting #nodissrespecttobubbles. The IRS says that the Michael Jackson Estate owes taxpayers $505 million in unpaid taxes and $197 million in fines. To show the Jackson Estate that they aren’t fucking around, the IRS doubled the tax penalty from 20% to 40%. Michael Jackson’s tax return was so inaccurate, which is why they’ve been hit with that gross valuation misstatement penalty. The L.A. Times breaks down what the IRS claim was underreported.
Michael Jackson’s image:
His estate claims it’s valued at only $2,105.
The IRS claims it’s valued at $434.264 million.
Michael Jackson’s interest in the trust that owns the catalog of his own songs and the Beatles’ songs:
His estate claims it’s valued at ZERO dollars and ZERO cents.
The IRS claims it’s valued at $469 million.
During the wrongful death suit, a public accountant testified that Michael Jackson took out a $320 million loan against the music catalog. The IRS also says that another trust his Estate claims is worth $2.2 million is actually worth $60.6 million. MJ’s Estate stated that the Jackson 5 master recordings are valued at $11.2 million, but the IRS thinks they’re valued at $45.5 million.
The L.A. Times says that the Estate’s lawyers will definitely smear Vaseline all over their faces and fight this to the end. They will probably argue that at the time of his death, Michael Jackson hadn’t toured and he hadn’t put out an album and the child molestation scandal ruined his reputation, so his image wasn’t worth nearly $434 million. Most inheritance tax disputes are settled before going to court, but the L.A Times thinks that the Jackson Estate is ready to go to trial, because they’ve hired the top tax litigators in L.A.
Yes, $702 million is a shit load of money (“Speak for yourself, poor!” – Oprah), but the Jacksons can easily pay it off by doing the following:
– Sell bottles of Detective La Toya’s air kisses at $100 each.
Estimated profit: $219 million
– Chop off Blanket Jackson’s luxurious mane (I know, I should be arrested for even typing that) and sell it to weave companies.
Estimated profit: $310 million
– Sell Jermaine Jackson’s hairline to science.
Estimated profit: $5
– Make Rebbie Jackson perform the greatest Jackson song of all-time “Centipede“ at birthday parties, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc..
Estimated Profit: $456 million
– Put up a Kickstarter to send Joe Jackson on a one-way trip to space.
Estimated profit (after the cost of the space trip): $999 million
Estimated total profit: $1.989 billion!
See, and they’ll still have a bunch of money leftover after they pay the taxes on their profits. And yes, after looking at my gross valuation of estimated profits, I’m beginning to think that I was the Jackson Estate accountant.
In news that makes me want to scream, “RUUUUUN, BLANKET, RUUUUN, LET THE WIND CARRY YOU AWAY,” Joe Jackson’s pimp hand starts to get the tingles in a trailer for a new documentary about Michael Jackson. The documentary titled Remembering Michael (working title: Remember Who Pays Our Bills, Still) is being put together by Katherine Jackson and she’s looking to raise $3.2 million to finish it. Katherine says she’s releasing it as a tribute to Michael and she’s also releasing it because the Jacksons love MOOOONAAAAY.
Michael already got a tribute tour, tribute greatest hits CD, tribute reality show, tribute this, tribute that and I’m sure he’ll soon get a tribute wig line, tribute makeup line and tribute Jesus Juice line. So the trailer for this tribute documentary made me shrug and let out an “eh” until I saw that Satanic twinkle in Joe Jackson’s eyes as he talked about “training” Blanket Jackson to be the next Jackson money maker. Here’s the words that should cause Bubbles to snatch up Blanket and put that child in the Jackson Protection Program.
“They also say that there will never be a Michael Jackson. And I say that we already have one, but he just has to be trained. That kid is the spitting image of Michael when Michael was smaller.”
Blanket Jackson doesn’t really look like a young Michael Jackson to me, but then I tried to look at them both through Joe Jackson’s pimp eyes. When MJ was young, Joe Jackson saw him as a sparkly gold dollar sign and when he looks at Blanket he probably sees the same thing. So yeah, they do look exactly alike through Joe Jackson’s eyes! Joe Jackson may be a shady fart out of Lucifer’s ass, but he didn’t lie there.
And I hope that when Joe Jackson raises his pimp hand and commands Blanket to do the moonwalk, Blanket rolls his eyes, flips his luscious mane and says, “Nice try, girl, but I’m going to be a hair model. Good day.”
Here’s the trailer if you really need to heat Blanket Jackson speak and see Joe Jackson’s grizzled old bulldog face in motion.
The only gang Michael Jackson belonged to was a dancing one that destroyed their enemies with crotch bumps, hip thrusts and neck sways (see: Bad) instead of shanks and gats. Joe Jackson says we can thank his open hand for that. In an interview with Jackson Secret Vault, the bloated catfish had this to say when he was asked about whoopin’ MJ
“I had to be like that because when raising him, in those days, so many gangs out there getting into trouble, going to jail. Most of them are dead now. He didn’t have to worry about that.
And does Joe regret slapping the kids around?
“No! They tried to make a big issue when I spanked Michael or some of the kids, ya know? Just like they didn’t spank their kids when they did wrong. The media twists everything.”
Michael Jackson in a gang? Unless the Sharks and Jets were waiting to pirouette-him into their crew, I doubt MJ was planning on joining a gang. Besides, MJ was too busy dancing for coins for Joe Jackson to pay his hookers with. Joe Jackson really needs to use his slappin’ hand to slap the giant ass on his no-neck for this.
Joe Jackson was left out of Michael Jackson‘s will, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to put his forked tail between his legs and slither back into the mole hole to the underworld. Nope. Joe has found another way to fill his pimp purse with coins. CNN reports that Joe Jackson has filed a wrongful death lawsuit against Michael’s former doctor Dr. Conrad Murray in federal court this afternoon. Joe thinks Dr. Con is responsible for his son’s death and he wants him to pay up. Joe is seeking an unspecified amount for damages. Joe is telling the media that he’s only suing to get justice for his son, but I’m pretty sure his horns were crossed under his hat when he said it.
The lawsuit states that Dr. Con didn’t tell the EMTs and doctors trying to revive Michael what kinds of pain killers he gave him. Dr. Con kept his lips shut about how he filled Michael with propofol earlier in the day. The suit goes on to say that if the doctors knew this information they might have been able to save Michael.
Joe isn’t stopping with Dr. Con either. Joe is also throwing lawsuits at two of the clinics where Dr. Con practiced for helping him cover up Michael’s death. The lawsuit states: “Defendants conduct of attempting to conceal the multi-state supply of drugs and the use of their facilities in Texas and Nevada to obtain medications was an extreme departure from the standard of care.”
Expect Joe to also sue the makers of propofol, the makers of the syringes used to inject MJ, the makers of plastic, the makers of needles, the makers of veins, the Sandman (for not sprinkling natural ZZZss on Michael Jackson) and any other bitch he can think of. Seriously, Bubbles better lawyer up, because it’s only a matter of time before Joe tries to snatch a banana out of his claw. The pimp always has the last cackle.