Category: Joe Francis

A Federal Judge Has Issued An Arrest Warrant For Joe Francis

May 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Can you get arrested for looking like a sun-damaged douchebag? NO! It turns out it’s for an actual crime. According to The Wall Street Journal, a federal judge issued an arrest warrant for Girls Gone Wild founding sleazy weasel Joe Francis on Tuesday because he failed to give two cars to his lawyers as payment for helping him sell the GGW brand to pay off his $30 million gambling debts. Paying your lawyers in cars? You know you’re a deadbeat when.

The WSJ says that Joe Francis previously claimed he couldn’t hand over the cars (a 2007 Cadillac Escalade and a 2012 Bentley Flying Spur) because he didn’t have them anymore. According to Joe, an angry strip club owner in Mexico took them as payment for a bunch of GGW promotions that fell through after the company filed for bankruptcy in February of 2013. Joe sold GGW to prevent Las Vegas’ Steve Wynn – the person he owed that $30 million to – from taking control of the company’s assets, and that’s how we ended up in this mess.

Nobody really knows where Joe Francis is right now, but many suspect he’s hiding out at his house in Mexico, which means he might be safe for now. Someone who knows law stuff told the WSJ that “the extradition treaty between the countries only provides for the capture and return of people who face criminal charges, not civil contempt.” I think that’s a lot of big words that mean he’s popping a bottle of Deadbeat’s Choice™ champagne-style drink with Litibu the sea lion right now.

Joe Francis is an honorary Kardashian Kousin, so I wonder if he tried to hit up Pimp Mama Kris and the krew for a couple of their old cars. Although that’s assuming he could even get through; something tells me the second they found out he was broke, they all had an “I don’t know him” ready for when the operator informed them they have a collect call from a Joey F. in Mexico.

Girls Gone Wild Creator Joe Francis Is Now A Father To A Set Of Twin Girls

October 8, 2014 / Posted by:

I bet the hospital doesn’t even require fathers to wear the mask; they just gave it to him to limit the number of toxic douche germs that exit his mouth when he talks. It is a hospital, after all. Gotta keep that shit clean.

UsWeekly says it’s time for us to pop a bottle of champagne and flash our tits for some celebratory beads, because the human drug-resistant UTI that is Joe Francis is now somebody’s daddy, and not in the gross “Who’s your daddy?” way. Joe’s bobo Amy Smart-looking girlfriend and former Girl Gone Wild Abbey Wilson gave birth to the couple’s daughters on Tuesday in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Joe and Abbey announced the birth of their daughters by releasing a DVD called GIRLS GONE WILD PRESENTS: TWO GIRLS DESTROYING ONE FORMER GIRLS GONE WILD GIRL’S VAGINA. No! They didn’t do that (I don’t think Joe is legally allowed to use the GGW name anymore). They announced it on Instagram.

Joe and Abbey’s new babies – or as Joe calls them “See? I’m not a predatory douchebag, I have two daughters!” – are named Alexandria Claire and Athena Olivia Francis. Which is so bizarre to me, because I was so sure they’d go with something a little more Girls Gone Wild-y, like Nikki and Tiffani. Regardless of what they names their babies, Joe’s partner-in-satan Pimp Mama Kris will no doubt change them to something more on-brand like Klaire and Kathena when she swoops in like a and starts pimping them out. It’s only a matter of time – Kendall and The Other One are getting old. PMK needs fresh meat. Watch out, Baby Alexandria and Baby Athena! If a half-melted piece of orange silly putty approaches you with a man in red pajamas with a pitchfork asking if you wanna be famous, YOU SAY NO!

Pic: Instagram

You Can’t Keep An Asshole Down: Joe Francis Got Arrested For Assault

May 17, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you needed yet another reminder that rats are drawn to piles of trash (I’ll leave it up to you to decide who’s the trash and who are the rats in this picture). Joe Francis, the garbage person responsible for Girls Gone Wild and all-round piece of shit, had almost managed to convince us that he’d changed his asshole ways by announcing last month that he and his girlfriend Abbey Wilson had chosen to become pregnant with twin girls. Unfortunately, just like a true asshole do, he’s gone and undone any shred of hope that he’s a changed man by getting his ass arrested on Friday night for the Joe Francis-iest reason: assault.

TMZ says it all started when that dinosaur-looking douchebag decided to swing by the L.A. offices of Girls Gone Wild, probably to grab his girlfriend’s paystub (Fun Fact! They met doing GGW. Sorry, did I say fun? I meant fucking depressing). Except that he’s not allowed at the GGW office, due to a restraining order that prevents him from coming within 100 feet of the building. But because Joe Francis is as reasonable as a messy case of Taco Bell diarrhea, he entered the building, pushed past a security guard, and shoved an employee. Security called the cops, and he was hauled in to police station, where he was charged with misdemeanour battery and released.

If Joe Francis is looking to make a little extra cash, he could write a book on being a dumb asshole. An asshole assaults someone, but a dumb asshole violates a restraining order to assault someone. He could call it Goofs Gone Wild: The Joe Francis Guide To Going Back To Jailand promote it with a stand-up comedy tour where he does a bunch of Jeff Foxworthy-style ‘You might be a dumb asshole’ jokes. “You might be a dumb asshole if your name is Joe Francis. Sorry guys, just like my dinosaur relatives, my brain is the size of a walnut; thinking isn’t exactly my strong suit.”

I will say this though: it’s nice to hear about Joe Francis not assaulting a woman for a change.

Pic: Instagram

Joe Francis Is Going To Be A Father To Twin Girls

April 10, 2014 / Posted by:

And leave it to Litibu the sea lion to make a “Nope, get me the fuck offa this planet” face, so you don’t have to.

While supervising their hos on the ho stroll, Joe Francis and Pimp Mama Kris probably find a little time to talk about the pimp life and share pimp tips with one another, so I’m sure she told him that what he really needs to do is grow his only little stable of moneymakers. Joe took her advice and now a pair of fetuses gone wild are growing in his girlfriend’s womb. The douche creature that mutated out of an Ed Hardy t-shirt after Terry Richardson dropped his load on it tells UsWeekly that there’s an IVF doctor out there who must really hate babies, because they implanted fertilized eggs into his girlfriend’s body. Abbey Wilson says they went with IVF, because they want “healthy” girls and mostly because her ovary eggs kept spitting out every Joe Francis jizz fish that tried to get in.

“We both wanted girls and we wanted them to be healthy and free of genetic diseases so we chose to do IVF. I have always heard women say you just know when you are pregnant and I totally understand that now. Your body, smell, sensitivity and cravings all change and mine did from day one. I found out shortly after a blood test confirmed the results and called Joe immediately, we were both screaming and so loud with excitement from each end of the phone!”

What Abbey Wilson really wanted is to give birth to two bags of concrete who will cement her place in gold digger history and set her up for the rest of her life. Joe Francis also spit up a verbal cum ball of hilariousness that is Katherine Heigl levels of delusion.

“We chose to have girls. I believe people will finally understand my love, respect and admiration for women. I love girls.”

So when Joe Francis bashed a woman’s head into the floor and punched Jayde Nicole in the face, he was just showing them how much he loved, respected and admired them? “Makes sense,” said Chris Brown somewhere. I don’t even know how you can “choose” the sex of your babies. I’m taking that to mean that if Abbey was knocked up with boys, that punchable skid mark would’ve made her get an abortion and try again until girls grew in her womb. Joe Francis truly is an underappreciated admirer and champion of girls.

UPDATE: Apparently, “gender selection” is a thing that exists.

Pic: Instagram

Paging The Makers Of Blackfish! Paging The Makers Of Blackfish!

December 4, 2013 / Posted by:

If that isn’t a “please get me out of this cesspool of syphilis” side-eye from a sea lion, then I don’t know what is.

No, that isn’t Khloe without her weave on. How dare you! That is a tortured, abused sea lion who these shower drain cum clumps “rented” to play with for the day. Radar says that Pimp Mama Kris took her clearance bin boy toy Ben Flajnik to Joe Francis’ house in Punta Mita, Mexico in September and while they were there they rented a sea lion named Litibu from the nearby Vallarta Adventures water park. A few months ago TMZ said that Joe regularly pays the water park to bring that poor sea lion to his house so he and his girlfriend can play with the animal.

Even though Ben has been seen driving PMK’s ugly Bentley and was her escort to the Beyonce concert last night, he still denies slurping the nectar of Lucifer out of her kooch. But who cares about those piece of trash fame whores, somebody needs to #FREELITIBU!

There are some hookers who will gladly let a john poop on their chest for the right price, but no amount of money would ever get them to go into a pool with PMK, the worst Bachelor ever and popped ass pimple Joe Francis. And poor Litibu didn’t even get paid for this and was forced to do it. Will somebody please find a way to let Litibu know that if he’s ever in this situation again, most of humanity will be on his side if he mauls a few of those bitches before escaping to the ocean over yonder.

(Pic via @IAmAbbeyWilson)

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Inmates Gone Wild: Joe Francis Is Going To Jail

August 27, 2013 / Posted by:

The dick rash with the most punchable face in America was sentenced to 270 days in county jail today for choking out and beating a woman at his house in Bel Air 2 years ago. A jury convicted Joe Francis of five misdemeanor charges (three counts of false imprisonment, one count of assault by means likely to cause great bodily injury and one count of dissuading a witness from reporting a crime) last May, and in court today, his lawyer tried to get a judge to declare a mistrial. Joe’s lawyer argued that one of his accusers lied during the trial and he didn’t falsely imprison anyone since all of the women willingly went back to his house. The judge wiped out the bullshit that Joe’s lawyer filled his ears with and denied that trick’s request for a mistrial.

The Los Angeles Times says that the judge sentenced Joe to 270 days in jail, one year of psychological counseling, three years of probation and he has to complete an anger management course. The judge and the City Attorney weren’t having any of Joe’s shit during sentencing and they told him that he better put a huge block of ice on his throbbing anus of rage.

The judge told Francis the women “were very credible” and he deserved to be punished by some time in custody and needed anger management for his “temper.” He was ordered held in lieu of $250,000.

“Whether a celebrity or not, you will be held accountable for your misdeeds,” former City Atty. Carmen A. Trutanich said in a statement at time of the conviction. “The victims in this case should be commended for their courage in stepping forward and reporting these attacks, and for not being intimidated from seeing this matter through the justice system.”

The three women met Joe at some club in 2011. He grabbed one of them by the arm and dragged her to his limo. The girl’s two friends followed, because they thought Joe was going to take them back to their car. Instead, Joe’s driver drove them to his house in Bel Air and to make a long and gross story short, he choked one girl out and bashed her head against the floor after she wouldn’t let him take one of her friends to another room. The girls threatened to call the police and he laughed in their faces and told them that he’d never be arrested since he owns the police. Who the hell does he thinks he is? Lindsay Lohan?! The three women left his house and called the police and now he’s going to jail!

Unfortunately, Joe isn’t in a jail cell right now, because he plans on appealing.

Unfortunately, unfortunately, since this happened in L.A., he’ll probably be in jail for 270 SECONDS before he’s released back into the wild due to “overcrowding.”

The judge should’ve sentenced Joe Francis and The Difficult Brown to a day in the same room together. All the doucheness in one room would make them both combust and the only thing left would be two chipped veneers and a puddle of steaming used douche water.

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