After two disturbing days full of news about suspicious packages containing homemade pipe bombs being mailed to several high-profile Democratic politicians and Trump haters, reports are rolling in from everywhere that the so-called MAGAbomber has been arrested.
Yesterday, several suspicious packages were delivered to some very high-profile Democrats, like former President Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. The internet has taken no time in nicknaming the person or persons responsible the MAGAbomber, instantly making MAGA hats just a little less cute (dropping them from “not very” to “burn it“). More sketchy packages have been sent to other high-profile Democrats including former Joe Biden, congresswoman Maxine Waters, and vocal Trump-hater Robert De Niro.
Beau Biden, the oldest son of former VPOTUS Joe Biden, died of brain cancer at the young, young age of 46 in May 2015. Beau Biden left behind his wife of 13 years, Hallie Biden, and their two children. That’s Beau and Hallie on the left. Hallie didn’t really have to go far to find a piece to cry on. Hallie is now getting with her late husband’s younger brother Hunter Biden. That’s Hunter Biden on the right. Hunter Biden and his wife Kathleen Biden separated in October 2015. Hunter and Kathleen have three daughters. Another fun fact: Beau and Hallie’s son is also named Hunter. This is all-caps, bold-faced, big-fonted, red-colored MESSY.
And squirts out a stream of happiness at the same time…
Joe Biden took the razors out of his hair, un-Crisco’d his face and took off all of his rings, because he is not going to get into the circus ring to scrap with all those messes to become the next President of the United States. Joe Biden announced today that he isn’t going to run for the Democratic presidential nomination. Joe also announced that he is officially endorsing the new Prime Minister of Canada Justin Therouxorsomething as his pick for the President of North America, because I mean, have you seen that man’s luxurious hair, orgasm-inducing pucker and nipples?
Well, this is random. Nicki Minaj and her maybe-fiancé of three months Meek Mill recently got into an online fight that ended with Nicki pointing her pitchfork in Joe Biden’s direction. Why? Because she can’t tell the difference between the names Budden and Biden. If you’re looking for a creative wedding present for Nicki, might I suggest registering her for a couple of beginner reading classes at The Learning Annex.
E! says it all started shortly after rapper Joe Budden verbally shat on Meek Mill during a recent episode of his podcast, I’ll Name This Podcast Later. Joe claimed Meek’s music is “too hard” for him to be serving up “fucking sappy fuck shit” realness when he’s around Nicki. Joe Budden must have been one of those dudes who was dumped at the prom or something, because he goes in hard on Nicki and Meek Mill’s romance:
“Be the hardcore guy that I’m sure [Nicki] was attracted to at some point. It’s nasty. I hate everything about it. [Meek’s] all like this bitch just stepped off of fucking Mars and is like the only girl. I hate it all. But I do appreciate them for keeping the hope of love alive.”
“Listen babe, what you see is what you get – little JB don’t get no shrinkage. It goes in looking like a pool noodle and it stays looking like a pool noodle. Next question? Yeah, you in the red with the sweet rack. Stand up sugar, let Joey B get a good look at ya.”
According to the soon-to-be released tell-all, The First Family Detail (via NY Daily News) some loose-lipped Secret Service agents have spilled the T on a bunch of higher-up Washington types, like the President and Hillary Clinton, but the best dirt is about Vice President Joe Biden. Apparently, America’s sexy septuagenarian stud muffin likes to kick back at the end of a long day by stripping out of his suit, grabbing an ice-cold brewski and floating around naked in the pool. Unfortunately, some members of the Secret Service don’t much care for seeing Joe Biden’s bare ass:
Biden is portrayed as being more interested in coming off as a “regular Joe” than being potentially responsible for the nation’s nuclear codes.
“Agents say that, whether at the vice president’s residence or at his home in Delaware, Biden has a habit of swimming in his pool nude. Female Secret Service agents find that offensive.”
I understand that seeing the flaccid wrinkled penis and saggy silver-haired balls of a 71-year-old isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but how bad could Joe Biden’s junk be? It probably looks like a sleepy little hairless mouse nestled in a fluffy pile of cotton. I feel like the real reason they’re offended is that no one has invented time travel yet and they can’t watch this hot young version of Joe Biden go skinny dipping instead: