He’s not a celebrity, get him out of there!!! Joe Alwyn, also known as Taylor Swift’s boyfriend that hasn’t caused her to write a break-up album yet, is a British actor. You know, the kind that appears on stage in front of people and was even in the Academy Award-winning The Favourite. Despite the screen time and dating Taylor Swift, sources want you to know that Joe is NOT in this for the celebrity, so don’t expect him to show up in any curated Fourth of July party squad photo with Blake Lively and the rest of the crowd. He’s just here for true love, dammit! I know, I can’t stop laughing either.
On the one hand, I’m side-eyeing this story hard. On the other, I totally buy it and can imagine Taylor Swift mailing an e-engagement announcement to Karlie Kloss that bellows, “ANYTHING YOU CAN DO, I CAN DO BETTER!” when opened. Taylor and her boyfriend Joe Alwyn have been together for a surprisingly long while (almost two years), and he hasn’t been the source of a jaded album or an annoying 4thof July photo shoot – yet. Some now think that’s making Joe eager to lock down a retirement plan (aka propose to Taylor).
Us Weekly says don’t take Taylor’s reluctance to parade Joe around like her other men as a sign of embarrassment. It’s the opposite. This is REAL love and not meant for us meanie pants people to mock. A snitch says Joe must like that because he might put some hardware on that finger:
“Joe is very keen on proposing soon. But he wants to make it unforgettable and extremely special.”
Not to be THAT bitch, but isn’t getting to the proposal stage extremely special enough? Please don’t be that trick who hires the Haim sisters to serenade during the proposal because Taylor is likely already planning that for when she gets on one knee and proposes to you, Joe. The same blabber says Joe is Taylor’s “dream guy” and that she’ll be “over the moon” to get engaged. Yeah, well, that’s because she’ll finally have an entirely new subject to sing about on her albums. Don’t even get me STARTED on when Joe knocks her up, and she’s expecting the first Swiftie offspring!
The first rule about dating the Butterscotch Don is you don’t talk about the Butterscotch Don…unless she forces you to wear a love declaration in spaghetti strap form. Somehow, Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn have been going strong for nearly two years now, and somehow we haven’t heard much from him about her. Joe was recently interviewed, and he kinda broke the rule be mentioning Taylor! Well, he did that by saying he doesn’t like to talk about Taylor. Zzzzzz.
For the good folks of Rhode Island, you can always tell it’s the Fourth of July by illegal fireworks, the crunch of Narragansett beer cans against doofy bros’ foreheads, and the steady stream of models pouting their way up the hill to Taylor Swift’s waterfront mansion for her annual Taymerica party. But for the SECOND year in a row, Taylor has shat on the soul of America by ditching the annual Squad Fourth of July Spectacular. Instead, she just flopped around on a beach in the Caribbean with that British boy she’s been dating. Continue reading
That’s right, pay no attention to Taylor Swift’s possibly-plagiarized video, and instead focus on the image of her in a wedding dress with Joe Alwyn. A source tells UsWeekly that a wedding between Taylor and Joe might very well happen. At least if Taylor gets her way.
Taylor has allegedly retired her squad because she’s just too busy being in love with her boyfriend of almost a year. A few months ago, it was reported Taylor thought Joe could be “the one.” Her hunch was correct – a source tells UsWeekly that Taylor believes he’s definitely the one.
“Taylor really believes Joe is the one for her,” an insider reveals. “She wants to get engaged to him. She just doesn’t feel as though she has to impress anyone at this point. This is the first time she’s kept the guy private. She really likes Joe. She wants to keep her personal life separate from her work life.”
She wants to keep her personal life separate from her work life? SINCE WHEN? But if that’s true, then we should all expect her next album to be one long, boring track of Taylor guessing what she could sing about while desperately fighting the urge to drag an ex or an enemy. “Um…let’s see…do people still like ice cream? That’s something people like, right?”
As for Joe, the source says: “Joe feels privileged that he gets to be with Taylor. And he is happy being out of the spotlight.” Privileged? I’d laugh if that wasn’t an absolutely perfect choice of words. Taylor Swift is the human equivalent of a silver Mercedes pulling up to a country club at 2pm on a Tuesday.
While Taylor Swift is apparently going up and out of her way to keep her romance with Joe Alwyn undetected, she still felt the need to get her press handler to blab about what a good job she’s doing at making us forget they’re dating. A source told E! News about the spy moves that Taylor pulls to spend private time with Joe. Continue reading