For the good folks of Rhode Island, you can always tell it’s the Fourth of July by illegal fireworks, the crunch of Narragansett beer cans against doofy bros’ foreheads, and the steady stream of models pouting their way up the hill to Taylor Swift’s waterfront mansion for her annual Taymerica party. But for the SECOND year in a row, Taylor has shat on the soul of America by ditching the annual Squad Fourth of July Spectacular. Instead, she just flopped around on a beach in the Caribbean with that British boy she’s been dating. Continue reading
That’s right, pay no attention to Taylor Swift’s possibly-plagiarized video, and instead focus on the image of her in a wedding dress with Joe Alwyn. A source tells UsWeekly that a wedding between Taylor and Joe might very well happen. At least if Taylor gets her way.
Taylor has allegedly retired her squad because she’s just too busy being in love with her boyfriend of almost a year. A few months ago, it was reported Taylor thought Joe could be “the one.” Her hunch was correct – a source tells UsWeekly that Taylor believes he’s definitely the one.
“Taylor really believes Joe is the one for her,” an insider reveals. “She wants to get engaged to him. She just doesn’t feel as though she has to impress anyone at this point. This is the first time she’s kept the guy private. She really likes Joe. She wants to keep her personal life separate from her work life.”
She wants to keep her personal life separate from her work life? SINCE WHEN? But if that’s true, then we should all expect her next album to be one long, boring track of Taylor guessing what she could sing about while desperately fighting the urge to drag an ex or an enemy. “Um…let’s see…do people still like ice cream? That’s something people like, right?”
As for Joe, the source says: “Joe feels privileged that he gets to be with Taylor. And he is happy being out of the spotlight.” Privileged? I’d laugh if that wasn’t an absolutely perfect choice of words. Taylor Swift is the human equivalent of a silver Mercedes pulling up to a country club at 2pm on a Tuesday.
While Taylor Swift is apparently going up and out of her way to keep her romance with Joe Alwyn undetected, she still felt the need to get her press handler to blab about what a good job she’s doing at making us forget they’re dating. A source told E! News about the spy moves that Taylor pulls to spend private time with Joe. Continue reading
Sure, this is unimportant and fluffy. But there’s a distinct lack of rape and corruption in this story, so we’ve got that going for us. TMZ reports that queen of the rat catchers Taylor Swift performed at the Z100 iHeartRadio Jingle Ball at Madison Square Garden on Friday night, and she was seen walking in HOLDING HANDS WITH BOYFRIEND JOE ALWYN!!!! Despite her writing ½ an album about him (the other half is made up of cheery songs about how everyone who has wronged will pay in the end), Taylor is almost never seen in public with her actor boyfriend. UNTIL NOW. Continue reading
Sorry, Taylor Swift’s cat, but it sounds like there’s a chance you’ll no longer be the number-one benefactor of her will. Don’t tell me that’s not already the case; Taylor Swift totally strikes me as the type of person to leave millions to her cats.
A source tells People that Taylor Swift is very serious about her current boyfriend Joe Alwyn. More serious than giving him her cookies or writing songs about him. Taylor’s friends think that Joe could be “the one.” Normally “the one” in Taylor’s world means the one she gushes over for 6-to-9 months before the contract ends and she calls him a loser in a series of songs. But this time it actually means the one.
“It’s a great relationship that everyone hopes will last. Joe could definitely be the one. Their relationship is very different from Taylor’s past ones. They much prefer having dinner parties at home with friends than going out. Just like Taylor, Joe is a homebody. He loves being an actor but doesn’t like the celebrity part of it.”
We probably shouldn’t expect to hear wedding bells just yet. Joe still has to pass Taylor’s official commitment test: displaying major levels of corniness on Instagram. Then, and only then, can she consider him in the running for her husband. But I’m sure that hasn’t stopped Taylor from dreamily writing wedding vows in her diary. “I, Taylor Swift, take this conventionally handsome blonde guy, to be Mr. Taylor Swift, to help smite my enemies, for richer or richer, ’til a breakup album does us part?”
For all the downsides there are to dating Taylor Swift, like chronic neck pain from constantly nodding “Yes, of course you’re right“, there seems to be one big benefit: your career gets a boost. Before hooking up with Taylor Swift, Joe Alwyn would have to book jobs based on his own name. But Taylor Swift’s boyfriend doesn’t have to work so hard anymore. Vanity Fair says that Joe Alwyn is now the face of Prada’s newest men’s campaign. Congratulations, Joe – I’m sure your neck is killing you, but just think of the exposure.