Last August, Frane Selak, the Croatian man who claims to have cheated death 7 times and won the lottery afterward, handed over his title of “World’s Luckiest Man” to James Placido after James married one of the most gorgeous and delicately elegant beings on this planet and beyond. James Placido became Mr. Jodie Marsh 8 months ago in an extremely secret wedding ceremony in Barbados. (Yes, it can still be called an “extremely secret wedding” ceremony even though nobody but me really cared.) I figured that Jodie Marsh and James’ love would last until eternity and would forever remain unbroken, but I should’ve seen this shit coming when I first looked at that picture of them. Never trust a dude whose hair and beard don’t touch.
Jodie announced on Instagram this morning that she and James are done, and since she knew that there was a big chance her phone would explode from every news organization in the world calling her at once, she let everyone know that she’s not in the mood to talk. Jodie didn’t say if she’s filed for divorce, but the BBC reports (no, it doesn’t) that James’ dick filed for divorce from him, because it hates him for separating it from her pink diamond-encrusted poon.
I’m assuming that Jodie is the one who dumped his trick ass, because who dumps Jodie Marsh?! That’s like saying you don’t want to wake up to the beautiful scent of freshly bloomed roses (that’s what her farts smell like) and that you don’t like the taste of ripe strawberries dipped in sugar (that’s what her vagine tastes like). But well, maybe James had to leave Jodie for medical reasons. Maybe he suffered from severe hydration because he cried all day and night from seeing her natural beauty up close and he fainted every time he touched her. Yeah, I’m going to go with that.
A real British royal wedding happened yesterday, and unlike those attention whores Duchess Kate and Prince William, it wasn’t televised for the public, because the bride is a demure and private flower.
Jodie Marsh, the goddess Duchess Kate aspires to be, made the cherubs barf up a stream of hearts and rainbows when she made some dude named James Placido the luckiest mere mortal on the planet by marrying him. James is technically Jodie’s first husband. In 2007, Jodie fake married her rival Katie Price’s ex Matt Peacock. Matt was a contestant on her reality show, Totally Jodie Marsh: Who’ll Take Her Up The
Ass Aisle? The producers eventually found out that Matt and Jodie were dating before shooting started and she made him audition for the show. They split up after 3 months of fake wedded bliss and Jodie admitted the marriage was for TV and never real. So basically, Kim Kardashian is a Sam’s Choice version of Jodie Marsh.
Jodie made the announcement about her first genuine marriage (I think) on Twitter today and you’d think that the British government would immediately declare it a national holiday. But that didn’t happen since THE QUEEN and Duchess Kate are jealous of Jodie’s regal beauty.
Note: If you ever find yourself in the presence of fashion designer Carolina Herrera, make sure you’re not wearing that see-through dress you made yourself using old L’eggs hose, a hot glue gun and broken beer bottle glass. Because Carolina Herrera yawns every time she sees another trick done up like Richard Simmons shat up gemstones on their naked body.
During a talk with the Washington Post, Carolina delicately lifted her gold-rimmed bone china teacup and gently shook her head before taking a sip while thinking about how fashion designers these days are trying to lure in young customers by designing “almost nekkid” clothes. As example, Carolina, who is always as put together as an Ann Taylor regional manager, brought up the Bedazzled Naked Hussy Harlot Ho Parade that went down the red carpet at the Met Gala this year. Carolina doesn’t understand how the likes of Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce and Kim Kartrashian can be considered “fashion icons” when they don’t wear any fashion. Go ahead and look those tricks up and down, Ms. Herrera:
Some designers think “it’s so modern to be naked or almost naked. They think it’s going to attract younger people if they do those dresses. No!” Herrera says emphatically. “The almost naked! Oh God! They’re trying to get people to pay attention to them. In life, there should be a little mystery.” Herrera turns to the recent Costume Institute gala to make her point. Exhibits A through C: Beyoncé and her bedazzled mosquito netting; Jennifer Lopez in a red beaded gown that was all front and back and no sides; Kim Kardashian with a train of white feathers trailing from a derriere served up for admiration.
“They’re supposed to be fashion icons and they’re not wearing anything,” Herrera says in a tone that is both exasperated and dismayed. “It’s an obsession now.”
Oh great, now Carolina has gone and said it. In the Museum of ME-ME-ME in Kanye West and Kummy Kakes’ mansion, workers are currently painting the quote “‘Kim Kardashion… Fashion Icon…’ – Carolina Herrera” on one of the walls.
I’m with Carolina Herrera all the way. Beyonce, JLo and Kummy Kakes look like tackiness wrapped in trashiness and dipped in slivers of messy when they go out half-naked. They just don’t have the natural elegance, grace, ladylike refinement and gentility needed to pull off that look and not look like trash. They just need to stop. They are not England’s Finest Rose, Jodie Marsh, who can wear a Hot Topic belt as a nipple cover and still look like the epitome of opulence and class.
Yes, that really is Jodie Marsh. You probably looked at that picture and figured that Duchess Kate went blond. If Carolina Herrera saw that picture, she’d definitely say, “I take back the hate I threw at the naked look, because THAT is a fucking fashion icon who knows how to do it.”
No wonder the royal baby hasn’t checked out of Duchess Kate’s womb royale yet. The royal baby doesn’t want to come into a world where two of England’s most stunning and perfect swans are fighting.
It is a sad day in Britain, because the most gorgeous and elegant roses in its garden of beauty are spitting at each other. England’s finest rose Jodie Marsh is in the newest issue of Zoo Magazine (which is like Vogue but much more classier) and during the interview with the magazine she was asked about Katie Price downsizing those gigantic plastic titty balls. Jodie cut Katie to the white meat by saying that Harvey’s mother is nothing but a baby daddy-collecting slut hussy whore!
“Who? Oh year, her – the one who’s famous for having loads of different kids with different dads! I don’t care about Katie Price! Why do I care about how big her boobs are? I will get mine reduced at some point.”
Whatever happened to feminism?!
WHY, JODIE, WHY?!
Since Katie Price’s attention whore senses tingle whenever anybody mentions her name anywhere, she immediately found out about Jodie’s fightin’ words and slapped back hard on Twitter. I’m guessing that Katie Price was so mad that her hands went numb and she had to type her response with her clit, because she makes me look like I’ve got a PhD in grammar and spelling. Katie labeled Jodie as a £2 knock-off whose coochie is like a doggy bag because it’s had all of her leftovers in it. I thought it was traumatizing watching my mom and dad fight as a kid, but this is much more traumatizing.
This is like the Sophie’s Choice of fame whore feuds. I can’t pick a side. It’s impossible. When a slut slut-shames another slut after that slut has slut-shamed her, all of us sluts suffer. This is why every slut cries today. But I will say that part about Katie paying Jodie to give her ex a lap dance is kind of hot. Katie is Cristal Connors and Jodie is Nomi Malone. The only good that can come from this feud is a remake of Showgirls starring these two beautiful blossoms.
It’s time for me to admit the truth. Jodie Marsh’s most elegant era has come to an end. Let’s all officially say goodbye to this:
I know that for the past few years Jodie Marsh has been de-elegant-ing her look by covering up her silicone globe titties and wearing clothes that are bigger than an ant’s blindfold, but I didn’t really believe it until I saw these pictures of her walking out of ITV studios in London this morning. A blazer, jeans and a shirt that shows zero percent of her titty skin?! She’s dressed like a damn nun if nuns bought their uniforms exclusively at Ann Taylor Loft. The Jodie Marsh of 2008 would wear only that blazer out in public and she’d call it her “going to Sunday mass” look. The Jodie Marsh of 2008 carried a pillow (aka a giant knee pad) around just in case she wanted to give a spontaneous beej to her piece-of-the-moment and the Jodie Marsh of 2013 is carrying that pillow around because she’s going to nap on it during the car ride home.
It is officially the end of an era when England’s Finest Rose is covering her pristine petals with a business casual blazer and cuffed jeans.
Our thoughts and prayers should be with that pug who was rushed to a poison control center after it accidentally swallowed a toxic drop of saliva that dripped out of Kirk Norcross’ skank mouth during that kiss. I really hope they make beef-flavored Valtrex tabs.
Jodie Marsh, the luminous rose who sprouted out from a crack in an Essex gutter over 33 years ago, was dating Kirk Norcross, some trick who was in the reality shit show TOWIE, for a quick minute, but they went to their separate fame whore corners after she refused to let his peen dive into her pristine oyster. Everyone knows that Jodie Marsh is as pure as a dew drop sitting on top of a daisy bud and her vagine lips are so pristine that any nun would use them as a prayer cloth. But Kirk Norcross didn’t know this and after dating Jodie for two weeks, he put his frustrated dick back in his pants and ran off to Reveal magazine (via The Sun) to cry about how she teased his peen the entire time.
Kirk says that instead of humping his naked body, Jodie used him to hump the cameras and get as much attention out of their relationship as possible. Jodie always tweeted about Kirk and even posed naked with him in some ad for one of her body building products, but she turned him down every time his peen knocked on her labia gates to heaven. 24-year-old Kirk was so disgusted with Jodie’s fame whoring ways that he pulled a fame whore move by selling a story about her fame whoring ways.
“Jodie was always teasing me and she’d talk about sex all the time. One day I had enough and texted her asking if we were ever going to have sex. I felt like I was 13 again – going around to a girl’s house and just kissing on the sofa. But she said that she’d never sleep with me. So I told her that we should just be friends.
I’m not into the whole celebrity lifestyle, and Jodie really is. All she could talk about were photo shoots and pictures. She was desperate for publicity. I would go round to her house every day and sit there listening to her talk about herself.”
It’s all about the fame for her. She hated TOWIE because until that show came out, she was the most famous person to come out of Essex. I’m a 24-year-old boy, and, yes, I wanted to have sex with you – but, now I look back, I realise I only wanted to have sex with the old Jodie Marsh. The one I had posters of on my wall.”
Jodie took a break from getting vajazzled with The Queen and she went on Twitter to swat back at Kirk.
Look all banter aside, I’m really hurt. He was a good friend for TEN years. Then he tried to pressure me into sex & sold stories on me 🙁
But we learn from every experience. Hopefully this will show girls why NOT to jump into bed with someone too quickly! Real men wait for you.
Yes, it’s true that the old Jodie Marsh would bareback fuck a garden hose if it bought her a drink, but the new Jodie Marsh is not like that. The new Jodie Marsh has finally realized that she’s the most beautiful woman in the world and will only bareback fuck a garden hose if it buys her a drink AND gets to know her first. That Kirk twat can go screw a rose bush. No, seriously, if he wants to know what it’s like to get with Jodie, he should screw a rose bush. It’s practically the same thing. The scent of fresh roses will fill his nostrils as he screams out over the sharp stabs to his peen.
And here’s Jodie Marsh spreading class and elegance to Barbados on Grand Kadooment Day.