The good news for 35-year-old Jodie Sweetin is that she found out that her 40-year-old ex-fiancé Justin Hodak is a wreck before she made him her fourth husband. The bad news for Jodie Sweetin is that her ex-fiancé is a wreck and an alleged roided-up ball of drunk messiness who keeps committing one of the ultimate HOW RUDEs by violating a restraining order she has taken out against him. If Jodie was really Stephanie Tanner and her life was a never-ending season of Full House, this would be the episode where Kimmy Gibbler hands her fanny pack to useless D.J. Tanner, slicks back all of her hair into a scrunchie, takes out her plastic earrings and goes after Justin. Yes, Kimmy would defend her frenemy even if Stephanie called her a whore to her face once.
If the Oscars and the Emmys are your fancy old uncle who drinks expensive scotch and loves British shows on PBS, then the People’s Choice Awards are your aunt who drinks canned Bay Breezes and asks if you wanna get high in her LeBaron. The People’s Choice Awards are for the people, damn it, and they don’t need prestige or class or gowns that requires every inch of your intestines to be crammed into Spanx.
Blake Lively clearly knows this and after going full-fashion at the Golden Globes two weeks ago, she wore one of Britney Spears’ rejects to the People’s Choice Awards. It’s like she couldn’t find her glasses and just assumed the dress code on the PCA invitation said: “Come dressed as a dancer from a Bob Mackie-inspired cruise ship show who is trying to get fired.” She looks like the messiest pledge at a sorority for ravens.
Some people still don’t understand that you don’t have to try so hard at the People’s Choice Awards. Jennifer Lopez, I’m looking at you.
The Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases cast was announced this morning, which means it’s that time when our heads barf up a stream of questions marks while reading the names of the bright shining A-listers who will bust out a lukewarm mambo for a check. ABC already announced that next season’s cast includes Ginger Zee (which sounds like the name of my second favorite malt liquor of the 90s) of Good Morning America, topless selfie adonis Geraldo Rivera, Donald Trump’s second trophy wife Marla Maples and Stephanie Tanner (born name: Jodie Lee Ann Sweetin) who is seen above with a new face courtesy of Photoshop. ABC announced the rest of the cast today and they also confirmed that Mischa Barton can finally pay her car note, because bitch is finally getting a check!
Compared to past seasons, the season 22 cast of DWTS is like the goddamn Oscars to me. I recognized most of the names. My brain activated the “Google that bitch, you dumbfuck” switch only 3 times and they were all sports people. That maaaaay be a record. Let’s see how you do:
Jodie Sweetin filed papers in L.A. recently to legally separate from Morty Coyle, her third husband and father of her second kid, because she woke up one day and realized that his name is Morty Coyle. Jodie and Morty Coyle got married in Beverly Hills in March 2012 and they have a 2-year-old daughter Beatrix together. Jodie also has a 5-year-old daughter Zoie who she made with her second husband Cody Herpin. Yes, Stephanie Tanner’s second husband’s name is Cody Herpin and her third husband’s name is Morty Coyle. Both of their names sound like really happy diseases. I’m going to bet that her fourth husband’s name will be Joshy Chlamydien.
TMZ says that Jodie is asking the judge to give her primary custody of Beatrix and she also wants their 2000 Toyota Avalon and she wants to split the $200 balance on their Kohl’s credit card 50/50. It goes without saying, but I’m sure the judge will also give Stephanie Tanner primary custody of Mr. Bear and her arch rival Kimmy Gibbler.
Jodie is 31 years old and her first marriage lasted 4 years before it crashed into the kitchen and died, her second marriage ate shit and now her third marriage is lying in a coffin. I don’t have to read Stephanie Tanner’s whore-o-scope to know that her heart isn’t going to be full until she marries her childhood true love Harry Takayama.
Here’s Stephanie Tanner and Morty Coyle during happier times last year.