“Don’t look to your left too fast or your that camera lens will be covered with fillers and tissue after your face explodes from seeing that much beauty up close.” – Jocelyn Wildenstein’s man to himself in that picture.
Last week, the 100% plastic feline jewel was arrested and slapped with feliney assault charges for allegedly going pussy gone rabid on her longtime man Lloyd Klein by clawing him, cutting him up with scissors and throwing a metal tray at him in her Trump World Tower apartment in Manhattan. Jocelyn was released back into the wild without having to post bail and went back to her apartment. But the cat scratch drama was hardly over.
PAGING JACKSON GALAXY! PAGING JACKSON GALAXY! Your services are needed at Trump World Tower in Manhattan and not because the tortured and mangy cat on Donald Trump’s head needs rescuing. There’s a rabid pussy on the loose there. Or was, anyway.
Page Six reports that the socialite millionairess who spent millions of dollars to purposefully look like Simba in glamour drag was trapped in a net by animal control this morning and was sedated before she was shipped off to cat jail. No, but 15-year-old (in cat years) Jocelyn Wildenstein was reportedly arrested on
feliney felony assault charges for allegedly scratching the face of her 49-year-old man Lloyd Klein during a violent fight in their Trump World Tower apartment at around 1:30 this morning. Sources say that Jocelyn also slashed Lloyd’s chest with scissors, which caused him to bleed.
Lloyd apparently had to shove Jocelyn into a closet to keep her from attacking him again. I’m sure that before he did that, he tried to distract her rabid ass with a laser pointer or paralyze her by tying a sock around her waist.
Jocelyn is way too damn old to be going wild like that. All the cats I know who are that old are always tired and if they wanted to hurt you, they’d just shank you with their eyes or piss on your shoes. I take back what I said in the headline about Jocelyn being committed to the cat thing. If she was really committed to acting like a cat her age, she wouldn’t be attacking Lloyd. She’d be too busy trying to clean her ass before giving up and taking her 99th nap of the day.
And if Jocelyn was Anna Faris and Chris Pratt’s cat, she’d be on her way to a new home right now.
It’s Monday morning for some of us, which means that you might be wishing that you were sitting in a booster seat at Applebee’s while sipping on a margarita that’s supposed to be apple juice (shout out to the drunk ass Applebee’s baby!) instead of working. Unfortunately, I don’t have a sippy cup full of margarita for you, but I have the next best thing: the intoxicating beauty of Jocelyn Wildenstein! Get drunk on this “Excuse My Beauty” shit.
Jocelyn shook the kitty litter crystals off of her paws, stepped away from the scratching post for a second and put on her best feline lacefront to take her sweet piece Lloyd Klein out for a steak dinner at Boa in L.A. on Saturday night. Yes, Jocelyn still looks like if someone carved the face of a squinting Siamese cat into a swollen boil and I’m sure Asian groups are still blasting her for permanently making fun of Chinese people, but her face is really starting to settle down and walk with the lord.
Lloyd Klein knows what I’m talking about. Just look at the way he’s puckering from every orifice. It’s like Jocelyn’s ravishing beauty has taken the breath from his nipple holes, no-no and peen mouth. Or maybe they’re just cringing out of fear.
Courtney Love must be sick of ventriloquists randomly sticking their fists up her ass to get her to speak, because she has vowed that she will never put her parts under the knife again. Courtney told The Sun that she was scared straight after staring at the luminous face of Jocelyn Wildenstein!
Courtney said, “I could do with another boob lift, but no way. I don’t want to end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein. She looked freaky.”
EXCUSE HER BEAUTY! This just confirms that Courtney Love is just like that crackhead leprechaun of Alabama: on the wrong stuff! Who wouldn’t want the face of a hemorrhoid in mid-squeeze? I mean, Jocelyn’s beauty is so scorchingly hot that her face singes her own eyebrows (example above).