It’s been reported over the past several months that The Joker will be making at least three films appearances in the near future. Jared Leto was rumored to be on board for a Joker/Harley Quinn spin-off as well as the sequel to Suicide Squad. And then there was the Warner Bros. standalone Joker origin story directed by Todd Phillips and executive produced by Martin Scorsese. In September there were whispers that Warner Bros. wanted Leonardo DiCaprio for the role of The Joker. Leo must have passed to focus on breaking in his latest round of models, because Variety is saying that Joaquin Phoenix is “in talks” to play The Joker now.
I braced myself for the worst when it was reported that very white person Rooney Mara would be playing Mary Magdalene and Joaquin Phoenix would be playing Jesus in a movie. It’s a good thing I did otherwise I might be on my ass with a broken tailbone after watching the first trailer for Mary Magdalene.
Yesterday’s winners for Most Low-Key Hollywood Couple Confirming Coupledom, Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx, can go right ahead and step back into whatever secretive hidey-hole they’ve been in, because there’s a new winner in town. The New York Times’ T-Magazine (via Page Six) has revealed that Joaquin Phoenix and not-so-secret lover Rooney Mara are certified roommates with benefits.
Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix, were rumored to have gotten together during the filming of Mary Magdalene. Then they were reportedly seen on a romantic getaway at a colonics spa. They let everyone know they’re a couple by making their first real public appearance at Cannes’ Closing Ceremony on Sunday. Rooney and Joaquin didn’t confirm they were together in the traditional famous people way, ie. by making sure every photographer in attendance got a good clear shot of them kissing on the red carpet. They’re too cool for such pedestrian shenanigans.
A few days ago it was reported that Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix, clearly all horny from the sexual tension that comes from playing Mary and Jesus, had hooked up while shooting Mary Magdalene together. A source claimed Rooney bailed on the Golden Globes because she was holed up in the desert with Joaquin. As it turns out, that source wasn’t being too subtle when they said Rooney and Joaquin were “holed up.” Page Six claims that one of the things they’ve been doing in the desert has been pouring juice into one hole and flushing it out through another.
A source says that Rooney and Joaquin have already entered the stage of their relationship that includes couples colonics. It’s just like what that old man from the eHarmony ads is always saying: the couple that gets their ass cavities professionally blasted with lukewarm water together, stays together. Rooney and Joaquin are reportedly spending time at the We Care Spa in Desert Hot Springs, CA. It all sounds incredibly romantic.
“They are there continuing to ‘find love,’ but also some health, as he is doing his annual pilgrimage to the spa. Joaquin and his lady love are down for some R&R, sipping juices and a few colonics…good times!”
Who knew that juice and colonics was an annual thing for Joaquin? I wonder if the spa ever tries to sell him on any other amenities. “You know, Mr. Phoenix, we also offer a colonic for your whole body. It’s called a shower. Just the colonic today? Okay.”
It’s starting to feel like today’s theme is on-screen couples who turn into real-life couples. First was Peggy and Ed from Fargo possibly getting engaged, and now we’ve got Jesus and Mary Magdalene possibly getting together. Page Six says that Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix found misunderstood moody thespian love with each other on the set of Mary Magdalene. Rooney plays the original hooker with a heart of gold and Joaquin is playing Jesus. It’s like come-to-life Bible fan fiction!
Sources say that 31-year-old Rooney and 42-year-old Joaquin got together some time during filming and have been together ever since. But a rep for Joaquin says he’s just “good friends” with Rooney, and that they happen to work together a lot. They’ve worked together once before on Her, and are scheduled to work on another film together called Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot in 2018.
The timing is a little suspicious. Rooney has dated Charlie McDowell, the son of Malcolm McDowell and Mary Steenburgen, for six years. But Page Six notes that the two of them haven’t been seen in public together since August. Neither of their reps had any comment about that.
Rooney was in Lion, which was nominated for several awards at the Golden Globes last weekend. But she was a no-show for the ceremony. A source claims she was missing from the GGs because she was “holed up in the desert” with Joaquin instead. That sounds like the opposite of sexy. Deserts are dry, and putting the word “hole” that close to the opposite of moist sounds like a bad time for all involved. Not to mention that deserts are also usually hot, and Joaquin’s greasy ass probably doesn’t do so well in the heat.