Yesterday’s winners for Most Low-Key Hollywood Couple Confirming Coupledom, Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx, can go right ahead and step back into whatever secretive hidey-hole they’ve been in, because there’s a new winner in town. The New York Times’ T-Magazine (via Page Six) has revealed that Joaquin Phoenix and not-so-secret lover Rooney Mara are certified roommates with benefits.
Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix, were rumored to have gotten together during the filming of Mary Magdalene. Then they were reportedly seen on a romantic getaway at a colonics spa. They let everyone know they’re a couple by making their first real public appearance at Cannes’ Closing Ceremony on Sunday. Rooney and Joaquin didn’t confirm they were together in the traditional famous people way, ie. by making sure every photographer in attendance got a good clear shot of them kissing on the red carpet. They’re too cool for such pedestrian shenanigans.
A few days ago it was reported that Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix, clearly all horny from the sexual tension that comes from playing Mary and Jesus, had hooked up while shooting Mary Magdalene together. A source claimed Rooney bailed on the Golden Globes because she was holed up in the desert with Joaquin. As it turns out, that source wasn’t being too subtle when they said Rooney and Joaquin were “holed up.” Page Six claims that one of the things they’ve been doing in the desert has been pouring juice into one hole and flushing it out through another.
A source says that Rooney and Joaquin have already entered the stage of their relationship that includes couples colonics. It’s just like what that old man from the eHarmony ads is always saying: the couple that gets their ass cavities professionally blasted with lukewarm water together, stays together. Rooney and Joaquin are reportedly spending time at the We Care Spa in Desert Hot Springs, CA. It all sounds incredibly romantic.
“They are there continuing to ‘find love,’ but also some health, as he is doing his annual pilgrimage to the spa. Joaquin and his lady love are down for some R&R, sipping juices and a few colonics…good times!”
Who knew that juice and colonics was an annual thing for Joaquin? I wonder if the spa ever tries to sell him on any other amenities. “You know, Mr. Phoenix, we also offer a colonic for your whole body. It’s called a shower. Just the colonic today? Okay.”
It’s starting to feel like today’s theme is on-screen couples who turn into real-life couples. First was Peggy and Ed from Fargo possibly getting engaged, and now we’ve got Jesus and Mary Magdalene possibly getting together. Page Six says that Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix found misunderstood moody thespian love with each other on the set of Mary Magdalene. Rooney plays the original hooker with a heart of gold and Joaquin is playing Jesus. It’s like come-to-life Bible fan fiction!
Sources say that 31-year-old Rooney and 42-year-old Joaquin got together some time during filming and have been together ever since. But a rep for Joaquin says he’s just “good friends” with Rooney, and that they happen to work together a lot. They’ve worked together once before on Her, and are scheduled to work on another film together called Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot in 2018.
The timing is a little suspicious. Rooney has dated Charlie McDowell, the son of Malcolm McDowell and Mary Steenburgen, for six years. But Page Six notes that the two of them haven’t been seen in public together since August. Neither of their reps had any comment about that.
Rooney was in Lion, which was nominated for several awards at the Golden Globes last weekend. But she was a no-show for the ceremony. A source claims she was missing from the GGs because she was “holed up in the desert” with Joaquin instead. That sounds like the opposite of sexy. Deserts are dry, and putting the word “hole” that close to the opposite of moist sounds like a bad time for all involved. Not to mention that deserts are also usually hot, and Joaquin’s greasy ass probably doesn’t do so well in the heat.
“Jesus Christ” isn’t only the name of the role that Joaquin Phoenix may play in a movie. It’s also the words I screamed out after finding out that he may play the star of the exquisite lit-up moving painting my abuelita had in her bedroom. I’m talking about her lord and savior Hay-Soos Crease-toe!
That Mary Magdalene biopic starring the living Haunted Mansion portrait Rooney Mara is really happening and it’s not a hoax. It’s going to happen and Deadline says that the filmmakers are talking to Fighting the Hot black belt champion Joaquin Phoenix about playing 33-year-old Jesus Christ. The deal isn’t done yet, because there’s scheduling issues, but director Garth Davis is hoping that Joaquin will be the JC to Rooney’s MM. I threw this up in my last post about this holy mess, but I’ll throw it up again. This MM biopic titled Mary Magdalene is being described as one of the truest cinematic portrayals of her.
It is set to be an authentic and humanistic portrait of one of the most enigmatic and misunderstood spiritual figures in history.
That description gets a Mary Magdalene eye roll from me every single time.
But it’s wrong of me to hit that description with a Mary Magdalene eye roll, because it’s obvious that Garth Davis is working hard to really bring us the truest version of the Bible ever. I mean, in the Bible, Mary Magdalene is described as looking like the human form of a Gothic-era ghost whisper and Jesus is described as a bloated hair ball who obviously lies his age and smells like dick cheese and armpit jelly. There’s also a scene in the Bible where Mary and Jesus get into a huge fight and as he lay passed out on the couch, she cacas on him. So Joaquin is perfect!
Why do I get the feeling that 3 seconds after this picture was taken, AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon had her assistant check her dress for grease stains and bedbugs. “This is BEYOND! I told you not to let that hobo-looking hipster touch me! I’m STILL trying to get the stink out of the clothes I wore during the Walk the Line press tour.”
The Hollywood premiere of Inherent Vice was held last night, which explains why Reese Witherspoon is hugging sexy dirtbag Joaquin Phoenix. Not that we really needed a reason – personally, I like to imagine Reese and Joaquin meeting every year around Christmas time to share a hug and a box of warm wine. Anyways, Inherent Vice is set in the 70s, so I guess that’s why Reese rolled up to the red carpet looking like Carol Brady’s gimlet-chugging sister from Manhattan named Prudence (“…but you can call me Pussy“). She also looks like Elle Woods, if Elle Woods went back in time to 1971, married a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon named Kip Skippington, and started breeding exquisite snow-white Persian cats instead of becoming a lawyer. Which is to say, I bet she smells like Revlon Charlie and pillow mints and the front seat of a 1971 Chrysler LeBaron.
Here’s more of Reese Witherspoon serving up Barbie’s mom realness, as well as Joaquin with his sisters Summer and Rain (why those two never got together and made an all-natural feminine wash is beyond me), my personal queen Maya Rudolph, Kimberly Stewart’s baby daddy Benicio del Toro, and Joanna Newsom who looked like she walked into drapery store high on furniture polish and was like “GIVE ME EVERYTHING“: