A few days ago it was reported that Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix, clearly all horny from the sexual tension that comes from playing Mary and Jesus, had hooked up while shooting Mary Magdalene together. A source claimed Rooney bailed on the Golden Globes because she was holed up in the desert with Joaquin. As it turns out, that source wasn’t being too subtle when they said Rooney and Joaquin were “holed up.” Page Six claims that one of the things they’ve been doing in the desert has been pouring juice into one hole and flushing it out through another.
A source says that Rooney and Joaquin have already entered the stage of their relationship that includes couples colonics. It’s just like what that old man from the eHarmony ads is always saying: the couple that gets their ass cavities professionally blasted with lukewarm water together, stays together. Rooney and Joaquin are reportedly spending time at the We Care Spa in Desert Hot Springs, CA. It all sounds incredibly romantic.
“They are there continuing to ‘find love,’ but also some health, as he is doing his annual pilgrimage to the spa. Joaquin and his lady love are down for some R&R, sipping juices and a few colonics…good times!”
Who knew that juice and colonics was an annual thing for Joaquin? I wonder if the spa ever tries to sell him on any other amenities. “You know, Mr. Phoenix, we also offer a colonic for your whole body. It’s called a shower. Just the colonic today? Okay.”
It’s starting to feel like today’s theme is on-screen couples who turn into real-life couples. First was Peggy and Ed from Fargo possibly getting engaged, and now we’ve got Jesus and Mary Magdalene possibly getting together. Page Six says that Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix found misunderstood moody thespian love with each other on the set of Mary Magdalene. Rooney plays the original hooker with a heart of gold and Joaquin is playing Jesus. It’s like come-to-life Bible fan fiction!
Sources say that 31-year-old Rooney and 42-year-old Joaquin got together some time during filming and have been together ever since. But a rep for Joaquin says he’s just “good friends” with Rooney, and that they happen to work together a lot. They’ve worked together once before on Her, and are scheduled to work on another film together called Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot in 2018.
The timing is a little suspicious. Rooney has dated Charlie McDowell, the son of Malcolm McDowell and Mary Steenburgen, for six years. But Page Six notes that the two of them haven’t been seen in public together since August. Neither of their reps had any comment about that.
Rooney was in Lion, which was nominated for several awards at the Golden Globes last weekend. But she was a no-show for the ceremony. A source claims she was missing from the GGs because she was “holed up in the desert” with Joaquin instead. That sounds like the opposite of sexy. Deserts are dry, and putting the word “hole” that close to the opposite of moist sounds like a bad time for all involved. Not to mention that deserts are also usually hot, and Joaquin’s greasy ass probably doesn’t do so well in the heat.
“Jesus Christ” isn’t only the name of the role that Joaquin Phoenix may play in a movie. It’s also the words I screamed out after finding out that he may play the star of the exquisite lit-up moving painting my abuelita had in her bedroom. I’m talking about her lord and savior Hay-Soos Crease-toe!
That Mary Magdalene biopic starring the living Haunted Mansion portrait Rooney Mara is really happening and it’s not a hoax. It’s going to happen and Deadline says that the filmmakers are talking to Fighting the Hot black belt champion Joaquin Phoenix about playing 33-year-old Jesus Christ. The deal isn’t done yet, because there’s scheduling issues, but director Garth Davis is hoping that Joaquin will be the JC to Rooney’s MM. I threw this up in my last post about this holy mess, but I’ll throw it up again. This MM biopic titled Mary Magdalene is being described as one of the truest cinematic portrayals of her.
It is set to be an authentic and humanistic portrait of one of the most enigmatic and misunderstood spiritual figures in history.
That description gets a Mary Magdalene eye roll from me every single time.
But it’s wrong of me to hit that description with a Mary Magdalene eye roll, because it’s obvious that Garth Davis is working hard to really bring us the truest version of the Bible ever. I mean, in the Bible, Mary Magdalene is described as looking like the human form of a Gothic-era ghost whisper and Jesus is described as a bloated hair ball who obviously lies his age and smells like dick cheese and armpit jelly. There’s also a scene in the Bible where Mary and Jesus get into a huge fight and as he lay passed out on the couch, she cacas on him. So Joaquin is perfect!
Why do I get the feeling that 3 seconds after this picture was taken, AMERICAN CITIZEN Reese Witherspoon had her assistant check her dress for grease stains and bedbugs. “This is BEYOND! I told you not to let that hobo-looking hipster touch me! I’m STILL trying to get the stink out of the clothes I wore during the Walk the Line press tour.”
The Hollywood premiere of Inherent Vice was held last night, which explains why Reese Witherspoon is hugging sexy dirtbag Joaquin Phoenix. Not that we really needed a reason – personally, I like to imagine Reese and Joaquin meeting every year around Christmas time to share a hug and a box of warm wine. Anyways, Inherent Vice is set in the 70s, so I guess that’s why Reese rolled up to the red carpet looking like Carol Brady’s gimlet-chugging sister from Manhattan named Prudence (“…but you can call me Pussy“). She also looks like Elle Woods, if Elle Woods went back in time to 1971, married a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon named Kip Skippington, and started breeding exquisite snow-white Persian cats instead of becoming a lawyer. Which is to say, I bet she smells like Revlon Charlie and pillow mints and the front seat of a 1971 Chrysler LeBaron.
Here’s more of Reese Witherspoon serving up Barbie’s mom realness, as well as Joaquin with his sisters Summer and Rain (why those two never got together and made an all-natural feminine wash is beyond me), my personal queen Maya Rudolph, Kimberly Stewart’s baby daddy Benicio del Toro, and Joanna Newsom who looked like she walked into drapery store high on furniture polish and was like “GIVE ME EVERYTHING“:
Joaquin Phoenix Announced He Was Getting Married To His Yoga Instructor Last Night, Confirms This Morning That It Was A Joke
That might be the most Joaquin Phoenix-y sentence I have ever written. Last night, Joaquin Phoenix – the greasy bag of human crazy that I so would – announced during an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman that he was engaged to his yoga instructor. The last time we checked in on Qui Qui’s love life, he was dating a 19-year-old DJ named Allie Teilz. But I guess he got tired of constantly explaining to her what Seinfeld was or something, because Joaquin confessed that he had met the “the one” and it was the woman teaching him how to do a move called “harnessing the hog” (funny, that’s the same term the Mad Men costume department uses when talking about fitting Jon Hamm for pants):
“First we do these breathing exercises and I go, ‘I can do this’…and then she says we are going to get in the first position — the “harnessing of the hog’. Before I can say, ‘Who is the hog?’ She grabs me — and it’s a compromising and vulnerable position — and she gets a strap [around me] and she’s thrusting [against] me and I go, ‘Oh, no! My back pain!’ And she goes, ‘No, that’s your emotional back pain’. This is the crazy part of the story – we started dating, and I think she’s the one. I proposed to her and she said yes.”
Awwww, so sweet! Except for the fact that Qui Qui’s story was total bullshit. Joaquin appeared on GMA this morning and admitted that he made the whole thing up because his life is boring and he wanted the audience at The Late Show to like him. Obviously, this isn’t the first time Qui Qui has fucked with David Letterman; remember when he was still doing that performance art piece about looking like a matted crotch scab on drain cleaner?
So he’s not engaged. That’s actually a real bummer, because I was really looking forward to Joaquin’s messy interpretation of a wedding. I just pictured Joaquin and his yoga instructor girlfriend riding down the back alley of a secret hipster baron the back of dude dressed like a cockroach while a punk band made up of 89-year-old grandmothers scream a backwards version of Ave Maria.
And here’s Qui Qui before and after he faked an engagement for attention last night on The Late Show:
Lindsay Lohan’s snatch has probably seen more peen than the Scientology glory hole on John Travolta’s birthday (yes, potent jealousy oozed out of my finger pores when I typed that), so when I read that she made a fuck list of the 36 famous dicks that have visited her freckled crotch carniceria at least once, I thought to myself, “Only 36?!” LiLo needs to step up her star fucker game, because I would’ve guessed that her celebrity fuck list would be longer than a Jonathan Franzen novel or had just three words on it: ALL OF THEM.
InTouch Weekly claims that on a night in January 2013, LiLo and her friends were getting drunk at a bar in the Beverly Hills Hotel and she made a list of every piece of famous (or semi-not-really famous) ass she’s had. The source shat this out:
“They were giggling and talking shit about people in the industry. It was her personal conquest list. She was trying to impress her friends with the list and then tossed it aside. The list has some pretty big names on it, and they’re not all single guys. This getting out now could rock several Hollywood relationships to the core.”
And LiLo just so happened to have a Scattergories (more like Scatterwhories, no, I don’t know what that means) score sheet on her to write the list on.
On the list is PC Valmorbida, Joaquin Phoenix, Nico Tortorella, Evan Peters, Wilmer Valderrama, Jamie Burke, Jamie Dornan, Zac Efron (coke really does make you do some fucked up shit), Justin Timberlake, Colin Farrell, Heath Ledger, Ryan Rottman, Max George, Guy Berryman, James Franco and Adam Levine.
InTouch didn’t burp out all of the names, because they’re milking this. In their next issue, they will reveal more names including the name of a really rich and newly engaged TV star (Charlie Sheen, duh), a newly single A-lister and an Oscar-winning actress’ ex-husband.
If that list is real and it isn’t a figment of LiLo’s coked-up imagination, her pussy should clap for itself, because there’s some hot pieces on that list. And speaking of the clap, the Beverly Hills free clinic would like to see every dude on this list, except for Adam Levine and Colin Farrell since those two sluts are already VIP patients.