If you read the “trades” like Hollywood Reporter or Variety or whatever, and are wondering why all of the Oscar bait movies that were supposed to come out this year have all pushed their release dates to 2018*, you’ve now got your answer. Dame Joan Collins has a new movie coming out this year, so obviously everybody’s running scared, because they know that she’s going to get every Oscar and they can never compete with her! Hollywood has done something smart for once.
Dame Joan and Pauline Collins (no relation) did a road trip movie together, and sadly it’s not a reboot of Thelma & Louise. Dame Joan would make a perfect Louise. She wouldn’t need a gun to blow up a fuel tanker. She would just need to throw a cutting side-eye at it. But anyway, Dame Joan and Pauline star in a movie called The Time Of Their Lives and the London premiere was tonight.
Shortly after that picture above of Dame Joan killing the wig and bolero game at the same time was taken, that car revved up, its headlights exploded and a milky white liquid leaked out of its tailpipe. The organizers of the premiere were a little surprised since they took the engine out of that car earlier, but they shrugged it off since they know the effect that sex goddess Joan Collins has on men, women and inanimate objects!
* This is 100% True News!
I was going to title this, “Dame Joan Collins And Her Little Fans,” but it’s only Monday and I don’t feel like going to urgent care. Because if I called Naomi Campbell one of Joan Collins’ “little fans,” my cell phone would definitely declare allegiance to her by throwing itself at my head.
Who cares about the Golden Globes itself when the real star power, glamour and impeccable wig game was at The Weinstein Company’s Golden Globes after-party. All of us who prayed for a Dynasty/Knots Landing crossover episode got a tiny glimpse of what could’ve been when Alexis Carrington and Abby Cunningham held court with special guest Naomi Campbell.
Imagine the power that was unlocked then Joan Collins, Donna Mills and Naomi Campbell joined forces. I bet that everyone left that party without a man or a company and had a face covered with champagne. Because as soon as The Glamour Villainess 3 formed, husbands broke up with their wives on the spot, crystal flutes full of champagne magically tossed themselves into faces and people received text messages from their business managers letting them know that three mystery moguls just bought the majority share of their company.
I mean, that Louvre-worthy picture of the three of them screams: We just took your man and your company without even trying, bitch!
I’ve posted the legendary clip from Dynasty of Sammy Josephine Dean Carrington serving up some husband-stealing sweet moves at a stuffy party before, but I’m posting it again, because everybody should watch it before their New Year’s Eve begins.
Not only is this pucker-inducing clip a tutorial on how to make everyone in the room take off their wedding rings and propose marriage to you, it’s also a tutorial on DANCE! Nobody should ever take Maroon 5 seriously, because that Moves Like Jagger song should’ve been Moves Like Sammy Jo.
If you find yourself having a boring ass time tonight and want to liven that bitch up, do what Sammy Jo did and tell the band to hit it before swirling out moves that will make half of the room combust into a geyser of jizz and the other half hit you with jealous glares. I’ll be spending my New Year’s Eve on a plane, so there’s a slight chance you may hear about a drunk gay getting dragged off of a plane by a regular Alexis Carrington (aka an air marshal) after refusing to stop Sammy Jo’ing in the middle of the aisle.
And all of us are hoping that 2017 won’t be nearly as awful as the Port-A-Potty fire that 2016 was. It’ll probably be worse, but let’s forget about that for now and instead get hypnotized by Sammy Jo spreading sex on a dance floor. Happy New Year!
The most shocking split since Brenda Walsh and Dylan McKay happened yesterday, and obviously all of you already know, because if you’re American, you already went on ASOS.com to see how much stuff your dollar can get today. It’s times like these when I’m glad that instead of contributing to a 401k, I contributed to the current state of my mental health by buying weed.
I can talk out of my asshole about almost anything (“You do and we know.” – anyone who has read one word of this blog), but I can’t do that about Brexit. But thankfully, America’s greatest contribution to the UK since Caprice Bourret was there last night to try to guide me. “Try” being the keyword.
Lately, it feels like the only trailers we’ve been posting about are goddamn superhero movie trailers, so finally here’s something that’ll harden the nipple tips of those of us who us who don’t butt squirt out a babbling brook of hysteria over the 4,500th Captain America: Civil War trailer. (Although, that could change if Marvel releases a trailer where Captain America and Black Panther have a sword fight in Winter Soldier’s mouth.)
The full trailer for Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie was shot onto the Internet today, and either I’m still drunk from Sunday or this really didn’t disappoint. Or both! In the AbFab movie, Patsy and Edina go on the run to the French Riviera after they accidentally knock Kate Moss into the Thames while trying to sign her to their PR firm at a party. Saffy, Bubble, Lulu and Mother are also in it. This is the perfect palate cleanser if you made the wrong decision to watch that shit dingle Zoolander #2.
The cast list for the Twin Peaks reboot is so long that you’ll need to eat at least 3 protein bars and Gorilla Glue your eyelids to your face to get through it, and the AbFab movie may have just as many cameos. The long list of cameos includes: Jon Hamm, Baby Spice, Jerry Hall, Chris Colfer, Rebel Wilson, Gwendoline Christie, Cara Delawhatever, Graham Norton, Dame Edna, Stella McCartney, Alexa Chung, Lara Stone, Jourdan Dunn, Suki Waterhouse, Lily Cole, Jean Paul Gaultier and a zillion more.
But, of course, the only cameo that really matters is the cameo from Dame Joan Collins. The first still from Dame Joan in the AbFab movie was finally released:
I know, the AbFab trailer should’ve just been nothing but a black screen with the words, “Dame Joan Collins Is In It,” on it. But I guess they didn’t do that, because they know that there’s not enough credit card processors in the world to handle all of the advanced ticket sales if everyone knew Joan Collins is in it!
Ariana Grande Latte was supposed to be on The Jonathan Ross Show in Britain, but because she probably decided to take her donut terrorizing act international and was busy spitting out her demon venom on delicious fried rings in bakeries in London, she didn’t show up. The Mirror says that Ariana’s minions told Jonathan Ross’ people that she was getting in a car to go over to shoot the episode that airs Saturday night, but they waited and waited until they couldn’t wait no more. Johnathan reportedly trashed the dark-sided Ever After High doll in front of his audience and joked that she was probably getting chicken.
“Ariana is in town. We were told she would be in the car at 6pm to be here for 7pm then it got to 7pm and she was not in the car – 7.30pm and she is still not in the motherfucking car. So I don’t think we can hold out much hope.
I don’t know what it is. We are going to give Ariana the benefit of the doubt and not say anything mean or judgmental. I apologise to anyone who might have come along hoping to see her. She was booked but the lazy little fucker has not come. Maybe she has gone to her first Nando’s.”
Wossy, you in danger, girl.
Well, there goes Jonathon Ross and there goes The Jonathan Ross Show. Because one night, he’s going to wake up to find the girl Damien standing over him and she’s going to punish him for being a big meanie by wishing him into a cornfield that plays her music on a loop.
But seriously, Ariana blowing off her appearance on The Jonathan Ross Show worked out for the best. He filled her spot by getting his other guests, Joan Collins, Danny DeVito and Sheridan Smith to sing 9 to 5 together!
We all know what’s going to happen next. In a couple of weeks, the Billboard Hot 100 chart is going to look like this:
#1 – 9 to 5 by J.D.S. (Joan, Danny and Sheridan).
#Not Even On The Chart – Ariana Grande Latte
And yes, Jonathan Ross is totally going to disappear now, but at least we’ll always have Danny DeVito and Joan Collins singing a Dolly Parton song together.