Why Was Everyone Talking About “Game Of Thrones” Yesterday When They Should’ve Been Talking About This
Fire can truly fuck itself raw in its fiery hole, because not only has it horrifyingly gone after a priceless icon and Dame, breaking our hearts, it has gone after the lair of a priceless icon and Dame too.
The Observer made every serious world-renowned journalist ooze thick globs of jealousy from every one of their pores when they landed an interview with the goddess herself, Dame Joan Collins. The Observer sent Sophie Heawood to Joan Collins’ luxurious Beverly Hills palace in the sky to do a long profile on the BIGGEST STAR IN THE WORLD!!! You can read the entire thing here, but of course, the thing that caused me to throw my fly swatter in the trash was Dame Joan saying that she believes her dead sister Jackie Collins, the BIGGEST AND GREATEST LITERARY GENIUS IN THE WORLD FOREVER AND ALWAYS, has been reincarnated as a fly that follows her around the world. And yes, that is a real picture of the opulent fly who Joan believes is Jackie Collins.
Open Post: Hosted By Dame Joan Collins (And Some Others Nobody Cares About) In The “AHS: Apocalypse” Trailer
The preview for American Horror Story: Apocalypse is 45 seconds long, but all you really need to see is the first few seconds, because that’s when the biggest star who has ever graced FX makes her appearance!
Ryan Murphy Has Somehow Managed To Nab The Biggest Star In The World For The Next “American Horror Story”
Alternate title: Dame Joan Collins To Save “American Horror Story”!!
The following so-called famous people have been in past seasons of American Horror Story: Jessica Lange, Connie Britton, Angela Bassett, Kathy Bates, Joseph Fiennes, Sarah Paulson, Matt Bomer, Lady Gaga, James Cromwell, Cuba Gooding Jr., Frances Conroy, Emma Roberts, and Michael Chiklis. But AHS could never say that it was filled with blinding star power until now.
The Hollywood Reporter did a big profile on Ryan Murphy’s $300 million Netflix deal, and he dropped a few little nuggets. He’s thinking of doing a Barbra Streisand/Lady Gaga variety show (no, thank you), he’s contemplating a wellness show (another “no thanks” to GOOP TV), says that American Crime Story: Katrina is still in the works, and that an ACS season of the Monica Lewinsky/Clinton scandal has been canceled. (Ryan doesn’t think it’s his place to tell Monica’s story, and will only do it if she’s a producer and will get money out of it.) Buried in Ryan’s THR profile is a stage 10 bombshell: Dame Joan Collins is going to be in the next season of American Horror Story. THR probably buried the lede, because if they put it in the headline, their site would’ve crashed.
The face of Catherine Oxenberg, who played Amanda Carrington #1 for two seasons on Dynasty, has been at the top of People’s page all morning. And while I think that a Dynasty cast member should be at the top of People’s page all the time, Catherine Oxenberg is on People for some serious shit. Catherine is trying to save her 26-year-old daughter India Oxenberg from what she says is a cult that has brainwashed her daughter and also milked India’s inheritance. The cult isn’t Scientology, so Little Lord David Miscavige is probably getting on Tom Cruise’s shoulders so he can slap each one of his Scientology account managers for not nabbing Catherine Oxenberg’s daughter!
If you read the “trades” like Hollywood Reporter or Variety or whatever, and are wondering why all of the Oscar bait movies that were supposed to come out this year have all pushed their release dates to 2018*, you’ve now got your answer. Dame Joan Collins has a new movie coming out this year, so obviously everybody’s running scared, because they know that she’s going to get every Oscar and they can never compete with her! Hollywood has done something smart for once.
Dame Joan and Pauline Collins (no relation) did a road trip movie together, and sadly it’s not a reboot of Thelma & Louise. Dame Joan would make a perfect Louise. She wouldn’t need a gun to blow up a fuel tanker. She would just need to throw a cutting side-eye at it. But anyway, Dame Joan and Pauline star in a movie called The Time Of Their Lives and the London premiere was tonight.
Shortly after that picture above of Dame Joan killing the wig and bolero game at the same time was taken, that car revved up, its headlights exploded and a milky white liquid leaked out of its tailpipe. The organizers of the premiere were a little surprised since they took the engine out of that car earlier, but they shrugged it off since they know the effect that sex goddess Joan Collins has on men, women and inanimate objects!
* This is 100% True News!