Ryan Murphy Has Somehow Managed To Nab The Biggest Star In The World For The Next “American Horror Story”
Alternate title: Dame Joan Collins To Save “American Horror Story”!!
The following so-called famous people have been in past seasons of American Horror Story: Jessica Lange, Connie Britton, Angela Bassett, Kathy Bates, Joseph Fiennes, Sarah Paulson, Matt Bomer, Lady Gaga, James Cromwell, Cuba Gooding Jr., Frances Conroy, Emma Roberts, and Michael Chiklis. But AHS could never say that it was filled with blinding star power until now.
The Hollywood Reporter did a big profile on Ryan Murphy’s $300 million Netflix deal, and he dropped a few little nuggets. He’s thinking of doing a Barbra Streisand/Lady Gaga variety show (no, thank you), he’s contemplating a wellness show (another “no thanks” to GOOP TV), says that American Crime Story: Katrina is still in the works, and that an ACS season of the Monica Lewinsky/Clinton scandal has been canceled. (Ryan doesn’t think it’s his place to tell Monica’s story, and will only do it if she’s a producer and will get money out of it.) Buried in Ryan’s THR profile is a stage 10 bombshell: Dame Joan Collins is going to be in the next season of American Horror Story. THR probably buried the lede, because if they put it in the headline, their site would’ve crashed.
The face of Catherine Oxenberg, who played Amanda Carrington #1 for two seasons on Dynasty, has been at the top of People’s page all morning. And while I think that a Dynasty cast member should be at the top of People’s page all the time, Catherine Oxenberg is on People for some serious shit. Catherine is trying to save her 26-year-old daughter India Oxenberg from what she says is a cult that has brainwashed her daughter and also milked India’s inheritance. The cult isn’t Scientology, so Little Lord David Miscavige is probably getting on Tom Cruise’s shoulders so he can slap each one of his Scientology account managers for not nabbing Catherine Oxenberg’s daughter!
If you read the “trades” like Hollywood Reporter or Variety or whatever, and are wondering why all of the Oscar bait movies that were supposed to come out this year have all pushed their release dates to 2018*, you’ve now got your answer. Dame Joan Collins has a new movie coming out this year, so obviously everybody’s running scared, because they know that she’s going to get every Oscar and they can never compete with her! Hollywood has done something smart for once.
Dame Joan and Pauline Collins (no relation) did a road trip movie together, and sadly it’s not a reboot of Thelma & Louise. Dame Joan would make a perfect Louise. She wouldn’t need a gun to blow up a fuel tanker. She would just need to throw a cutting side-eye at it. But anyway, Dame Joan and Pauline star in a movie called The Time Of Their Lives and the London premiere was tonight.
Shortly after that picture above of Dame Joan killing the wig and bolero game at the same time was taken, that car revved up, its headlights exploded and a milky white liquid leaked out of its tailpipe. The organizers of the premiere were a little surprised since they took the engine out of that car earlier, but they shrugged it off since they know the effect that sex goddess Joan Collins has on men, women and inanimate objects!
* This is 100% True News!
I was going to title this, “Dame Joan Collins And Her Little Fans,” but it’s only Monday and I don’t feel like going to urgent care. Because if I called Naomi Campbell one of Joan Collins’ “little fans,” my cell phone would definitely declare allegiance to her by throwing itself at my head.
Who cares about the Golden Globes itself when the real star power, glamour and impeccable wig game was at The Weinstein Company’s Golden Globes after-party. All of us who prayed for a Dynasty/Knots Landing crossover episode got a tiny glimpse of what could’ve been when Alexis Carrington and Abby Cunningham held court with special guest Naomi Campbell.
Imagine the power that was unlocked then Joan Collins, Donna Mills and Naomi Campbell joined forces. I bet that everyone left that party without a man or a company and had a face covered with champagne. Because as soon as The Glamour Villainess 3 formed, husbands broke up with their wives on the spot, crystal flutes full of champagne magically tossed themselves into faces and people received text messages from their business managers letting them know that three mystery moguls just bought the majority share of their company.
I mean, that Louvre-worthy picture of the three of them screams: We just took your man and your company without even trying, bitch!
I’ve posted the legendary clip from Dynasty of Sammy Josephine Dean Carrington serving up some husband-stealing sweet moves at a stuffy party before, but I’m posting it again, because everybody should watch it before their New Year’s Eve begins.
Not only is this pucker-inducing clip a tutorial on how to make everyone in the room take off their wedding rings and propose marriage to you, it’s also a tutorial on DANCE! Nobody should ever take Maroon 5 seriously, because that Moves Like Jagger song should’ve been Moves Like Sammy Jo.
If you find yourself having a boring ass time tonight and want to liven that bitch up, do what Sammy Jo did and tell the band to hit it before swirling out moves that will make half of the room combust into a geyser of jizz and the other half hit you with jealous glares. I’ll be spending my New Year’s Eve on a plane, so there’s a slight chance you may hear about a drunk gay getting dragged off of a plane by a regular Alexis Carrington (aka an air marshal) after refusing to stop Sammy Jo’ing in the middle of the aisle.
And all of us are hoping that 2017 won’t be nearly as awful as the Port-A-Potty fire that 2016 was. It’ll probably be worse, but let’s forget about that for now and instead get hypnotized by Sammy Jo spreading sex on a dance floor. Happy New Year!
The most shocking split since Brenda Walsh and Dylan McKay happened yesterday, and obviously all of you already know, because if you’re American, you already went on ASOS.com to see how much stuff your dollar can get today. It’s times like these when I’m glad that instead of contributing to a 401k, I contributed to the current state of my mental health by buying weed.
I can talk out of my asshole about almost anything (“You do and we know.” – anyone who has read one word of this blog), but I can’t do that about Brexit. But thankfully, America’s greatest contribution to the UK since Caprice Bourret was there last night to try to guide me. “Try” being the keyword.